Sunday, April 16, 2006

My heart...

I have sat down here to write about Scott several times. He makes me so emotional when I try to write about him.

We met on a blind date. A surprise blind date none the least!! My dear grandmother met him and thought he would be perfect. We were having a birthday party for my half sister and there he was. At first, I couldn't look at him. I had just gotten off work and had no clue this was a 'date'!! But then, we talked. I was lost in his eyes from the moment I noticed they were blue. We rode to the county fair, walked and talked forever. Then we sat out side on the car until ... oh about 2 in the morning. Before he left, he said..."You may think I am crazy, but.... I want to spend the rest of my life with you, will you marry me?" I didn't hesitate. I knew that he was my soul mate...(cliche' I know). I was dating off and on with a guy, but I knew he wasn't the one. I KNEW Scott was. I smiled at him, I am not sure if we had even kissed, I know we hadn't. I said yes, YES. He hugged me so tight. We agreed that maybe we should wait to tell people, that they might think we were crazy or pregnant! We tried to wait, but he told his cousin (my friend from highschool and my nieces husband). When I was riding home from work one day, I was thinking....I am going to have to have him change his last name. For 2 weeks or so...I thought his last name was HALE. I would have been Hope Hale...eeeeeeeeeek!! It wasn't long after that I did get his real name, ha ha. How silly is that!

It was late August when we met, we finally started telling people in September. My parents also knew from the start that he was right for me. They fell in love with him too. My brothers on the other hand....It took a good 2 years before they really would even talk to him. We were married February 10th, 1990...the following year. Sooo yes, that means we only knew each other 6 months when we were married. That was 16 years ago, I think something worked!

We have had all sorts of challenges. Dealing with the pain of the abandonment of his 'real' father was one of the biggest. Ted left him when he was 4 and Scott barely remembers seeing him as a child up until we met. We searched and found him, and it seemed like it was going to be a good thing. But, Ted chose not to pursue it. He will never know the wonderful, loving man he 'fathered'. He will never know his own grandchild. I gave Ted the benefit of the doubt for so long, until this past Christmas. We have always called Ted, and at least say hi...let him know what is going on and that is about it. I insisted we kept that line of communication somewhat open. This year, I assume Ted has caller ID now...someone picked up the phone and Scott could hear him in the background...he said...NO NO NO and hung up. The pain in Scotts face was more than I could bear. I will never mention Ted again to him.

The biggest most heart breaking challenge has been our desire for a baby. I feel I failed him because it is me that is stopping the process. He hurts so much for me. He tells me how I complete him and if God's plan is for it to be just us...then so be it. But, I see him look at Chirsten and Caleb...and I know he longs for a hear Daddy come out of his child's mouth. He WILL be such a good daddy, and God will bless us with a child. Our Isaac

I don't know what I did to deserve his love. He wraps me up in it every morning. I don't think we go more than an hour without calling each other or emailing...just to say I LOVE YOU. We never go to bed mad, we are always holding hands or kissing. We can't sleep unless something is touching...if I am in bed alone, I can't sleep and when I do... I search all over the bed for him. He is my everything. I barely can remember my life before him and could never imagine life without him. We have the same faith values and that makes church a lot easier!

I could go on and on.... I love him so much!!

Speakin' of favorites...

This is Cara, my niece from Todd and Lisa. She is one of my favorite nieces...I have several, but Cara and Misti...and now little Lily are the ones I am closest to. It is not that I don't love the other nieces, but they grew up thinking I was their cousins...LONG STORY!!!!

She is about to go to prom, this is her dress...her hair and stuff is not done yet. But, she still looks pretty.

I love her!!

Happy Easter!

Here is a song our choir is singing this morning.....Such a BEAUTIFUL resurrection day!!

I was takin a trip on a plane the other day
just wishing that I could get out.
When the man next to me saw the book in my hand
and asked me what it was about.

So I settled back in my seat-"A best seller," I said.
"A history, a mystery in one."
And then I opened up the book and began to read
from Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

He was born of a virgin one holy night
in the little town of Bethlehem.
Angels gathered round Him underneath the stars
singing praises to the great I Am.
He walked on the water,
healed the lame and made the blind to see again.
And for the first time here on earth
we learned that God could be a friend.
And though He never ever did a single thing wrong
the angry crowd chose him.
And then He walked down the road
and died on the cross and that was the end of the beginning.

"that's not a new book that's a bible," he said,"and I've heard it all before.
I've tried religion- its shame and guilt and I don't need it anymore.
It's superstition, made up tales and just to help the weak to survive."
"Let me read it again," I said, "listen closely, cuz this is gonna change your life.

He was born of a virgin one holy night in the little town of Bethlehem.
Angels gathered round Him underneath the stars singing praises to the great I Am.
He walked on the water, healed the lame and made the blind to see again.
And for the first time here on earth we learned that God could be a friend.
And though He never ever did a single thing wrong the angry crowd chose him.
And then He walked down the road and died on the cross and that was the end of the beginning.

"The end of the beginning," he said with a smile.
"What more could there be? He's dead.
You said they hung Him, put nails in His hands
and a crown of thorns on His head.
"I said, "I'll read it again but this time there's more,
and I believe that this is true.
His death wasn't the end, the beginning of life
that's completed in you.
Don't you see He did all this for you!"

He was born of a virgin one holy night in the little town of Bethlehem.
Angels gathered round Him underneath the stars singing praises to the great I Am.
He walked on the water, healed the lame and made the blind to see again.
And for the first time here on earth we learned that God could be a friend.
And though He never ever did a single thing wrong the angry crowd chose him.
And then He walked down the road and died on the cross and that was the end of the beginning.

then He walked and He died but three days late HE ROSE!!!!!!!!
Three days later He rose!
You see He came, He lived, and He died.
But that was the end of the beginning.

We had such a beautiful service today. He preached on Hope, how when we die, we have the hope of being in Heaven. AMEN!!

After services, we went to Burt and Leslies for Easter dinner. Oh my, I ate way too much. Everything was delicious. Bill and Becky, our Sunday school teachers and Lisa and Mason were also there. It was fun, we even hunted eggs in the yard!!

But, the best time was after everyone left and it got quiet in the house. It was just Burt, Leslie, Colin, Scott and I. I looked at her wedding photos and we laughed and talked...and watched baby Colin. I got home and thought how funny we all are. We have these little inside jokes and I can't think of a thing I wouldn't or couldn't tell them...and trust me, Leslie tells me lots!!!! (I LOVE IT!) I think back to my best friends from elementary school and on, and though I still love them and miss them and love to see them...there is something about Burt and Leslie...I really don't know how to explain it. Plus, Colin, he really has stolen my heart. I 'stole' him from Burt for a few and we laid back on the couch and it just felt soo good. He is so precious and such a good baby. Burt and Leslie are wonderful parents. Colin is so lucky to have them as their parents. Scott and I are lucky to have them as friend.

Well, after that big meal... I think it is time to go to take a nap.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

More of my favorites...

Ok...I know this is weird... But when we were at the fertility clinic, it was raining..nothing pretty about that day. When we got in the car, here was this beautiful little flower stuck to the windshield. It was just so pretty and how odd that it landed just like that! Sooo I took a picture of it... I know, professional photographer I am NOT!

This is my favorite picture of my daddy! He is in the rocker with his older brother Leon. They both are so cute. There aren't that many photos of my dad really when he was a child. I think this picture is of his youngest age. My, where do I start with him!! I love my mother just as much, but I was always a daddy's girl. Poppy is what I called him mostly. I remember in church if he wasn't preaching I would sit beside him and put my little hand in his and was so amazed at how strong and big his hands were. I loved to hear him preach, maybe not as much as a child, but as I got older, I loved to hear him. But, my favorite thing to do with my daddy is ... fishing. I never cared really if I caught a fish at all. It was just so special to be in his boat...spending time together. He probably never knew that when he would pick me up at school or when he would wake me up early to go out on the boat...those were the times I looked forward to the most. I would love to tell my friends ... I am going out with my poppy. He always made everything ok. Everyone loves him, he does so much for people, and he really loves my mother. When I found Scott, there were a lot of the same qualities there. Thank you daddy for showing me how much you love me by spending time with me. THank you for preaching to me about Jesus...and yes, for praying for me!! I hope I have made you both proud.

These are my fish, they are such characters!
They are Blood Parrots, not sure why they
call them blood parrots. I know their mouths
are shaped like a parrots. They will eat out of my
hand and are getting huge!!!

This is Lily, My Great niece! This is such a great pic of her. I just can't wait to get to know her better. She is so pinchable!! Misti tells me how smart she is and how she loves Christian music, Newsboys to be exact....ohhhh and her daddy's guitar pickin!
If I have a daughter, they will have the same middle name...but that is ok!!! I am sure they will be best of friends. MISTI...FEED THAT CHILD!!!! *smiles*
This is Mark. It isn't easy to write about him. Mark, he was the youngest of 4 brothers. He was the most mischievous and rowdy of the 4. He was my fiercest tormenter and fiercest protector. He could pull my hair or kiss me all over my face or hold me down or a long list of mean things...but if anyone else dare...they would be in big trouble. We were close until something took over....drugs. When this happened, all relationships with him changed. I think it really did all start innocently enough. He was in an accident and was started on pain medications...and it just spiraled. I don't have a doubt that he was saved. He and I reconciled to a point about a month before he died. He died in the bedroom that was mine growing up. He died from an accidental overdose of Morphine patches. My father found him. My mother, told me once when I said I had a hard time even going near that room...she told me that she finds peace there. She said Angels, ANGELS...were in the room, they ushered him home. My mother, she can find inspirational things in the most difficult of situations. I miss him so much. There are so many regrets, so much I could have and should have said. I hope knew how much I loved him.
This is home. This is the road home. Just around that corner at the foot of that mountain are my parents, my brother Todd's house and my uncles and aunts and cousins. The house I grew up in, the trees I climbed and couldn't get down from, the creek we swam in and all the cats and dogs we would drag home. The puddles of water I caught tadpoles in, the fields I ran in to catch fireflies. The honeysuckles, the trees with 'club' houses built in them, bike many memories. When we go home, and Luc is with us...he knows when we get on this road we are almost home. He goes crazy in the back of the car. I do love this picture.
This is a 'family' picture we took a few years ago. We have had Luc since he was 5 weeks old. Dixie, Susie's sister gave him to us. He is like our child. He acts like a big ole baby. He was 15 years old in March. We love him so much, and miss him now that he is staying with my parents.
This....this is my most favorite picture of my mother. She is so beautiful here, and she had such a rough life. Her mother died when she was 6. She and some of her brothers were sent to live in an orphanage. She could have been bitter, but she is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the out. She is an angel to so many people. I meet some of those people that she comes across and I am so humbled by what they say about her. She takes care of people in their homes, and she sings to them, she tells them about Jesus and all the while taking such good care of them. If I can be even a fraction like her, I would be happy. When she prays, she is heard. People call her from miles around to ask her to pray for them. She is a true prayer warrior! There is so much more I could say. Like her hair, it is soooo soft. Her skin is too. Ever day when she gets out of the shower, she puts a 'dab' of olive oil in her hands and runs it through her hair and onto her skin. She is the most tender headed person I have ever met. While she was sick, I tried to brush her hair and get the knots out...and I thought she would cry each time I touched it. I want to have a grandbaby so bad for her. I know she has grand children from her sons, but they say it is different when it is a woman's daughter. I want my child to know her love, to feel her soft cool hands on their foreheads when they are running a fever. To hear her beautiful soft voice singing Jesus songs all over the house. To taste her vegetable soup or chicken -n- dumplin's or her fried I am making myself hungry!! There is so much I want my child to know about her. A lot of things, as a child and teenager..... I hated. I LOVE HER! Mom, if you ever read this. Thank you for giving me so much, for always thinking of your children before yourself. For telling me of Jesus and for always, ALWAYS praying for me. It worked!! Ok, I gotta talk about my daddy or he will be jealous!! *smiles* *going back up to his picture.
This is a recent picture of them..... I am so blessed to have such wonderful loving parents. I wish I had realized it when I was younger. This picture is just after Daddy had his pacemaker scare with the staph infection. Just before their 50th wedding anniversary. They renewed their vows at the party and I even sang them a song...Consider the Lilies. It was a wonderful time.
Well, there are soooooooooo many more favorite people/places and things I could add...and will. I don't want to bore you. :)

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Not this time..

But I have to remember....His time, not mine. I wasn't sure how to post about another negative test result...or IF I could. But, it is part of this journey. I was the most disappointed than ever before. I think because I felt everything that someone pregnant feels. I don't think I imagined everything. I even had 2 faint positive tests. That is the kicker. My doctor said it could have been a chemical pregnancy. She said my chart and everything looked soo good.

I guess the biggest heartbreak was that I got Scott all excited too. He saw the lines on the pregnancy tests, he really believed too. I was more hurt about him being hurt than anything. This was the first time I really got him into it. He is always the one ... "Hope, don't get your hopes up until you are sure...". My voice of reason.

I woke up this morning, watched him sleep a little, the sun pouring in the window. I looked over at the picture of us on the table and blessed I am! I was almost ashamed that I am asking for more. I sit at my desk with family pictures surrounding blessed. I have a good job, I live in such a beautiful city. I have Christian friends and such a wonderful church. I AM BLESSED!

Thank You Jesus for what You have given me, thank You for what You took away!

This really is therapeutic huh?


Saturday, April 08, 2006

It gets worse... temp is higher. Which I know in taking my temp every morning for the last 6 or so months that the longer it stays high after ovulation...the bigger chance to be pregnant. I wasn't sick this morning, which strangely enough disappointed me. Here is the link to my you know what I mean.

I visisted the blog of someone who commented on mine and found this
link I really think I am printing it out and sending it to a few choice people. They don't really use the computer much...but my luck they would see this and see me saying how insensitive they are and get all pissy. Soooo I won't name names. But, I guess they will know once they get this letter in the mail.

I know I sound crazy but I do feel different. It is probably all in my mind.

Well...let's clean house and then go to the beach for a picnic and a long walk!

Friday, April 07, 2006

my favorite things...

I am home, feeling sick so I thought I would mess around on here. I was looking at some pictures I have on here and though I would post a few.

This is Scott...the most adorable, sweet, loving man I know. He stands by me and for me at every turn...I never dreamed of a man so wonderful. I am not sure why I am so blessed! When I weep about having a baby...or not having one, he holds me...he makes it all better.

This is our silly cat.....I swear she makes me yell as much as she makes me smile! Her favorite toys are toes...yes TOES. Under the blanket, she will crawl and be relentless with the toes. I could beat her....then she does something so cute...or cuddles up on my back or in my lap. what a big one huh? Two brothers were missing. Mark, the youngest of the boys...he passed away several years before the picture. Todd wasn't there, he is the next to youngest...he was sick I believe. Susie, my sister in law wasn't there...she was sick as well. Lt. Tom my nephew wasn't there, he lives in Colorado with his daughter Angel. I have never met her or seen a pic, but hope to soon! As much as I love my family, it is nice to be off on our own right now. I am not sure how I will feel once we have a baby. This is my family....and I love them!! Corey is missing, I don't think he was born yet. Also little Lily...she was just a twinkle in her daddys eyes then!

This is my beach....and my child! Luc .. he has been our only son for almost 15 years. He is adorable, smart and so funny. He is more than just a dog...he is part of the family, just ask his granny!

These are the waterfalls in Valdese. They are beautiful and a place I miss the most. I spent a lot of time there, soaking in and letting out. I bet my tears shed there would almost fill up the pool at the bottom.

This is Chirsten. She is a ball of fun and sooooooooo cute. I miss her so much. She has such an imagination and is so smart. When I am around her, life seems just that much sweeter. She loves fish kisses, her uncle Scooter and sleeping with me! Oh yea...and she wants to be a boy when she grows up...go figure!!

This is Chris, Scotts brother...and Caleb his son.
Caleb is so much fun too. He finally loves me. When he was so little, he didn't want anyone but his maw maw or paw paw!! He finally too will love on cooter...ha ha. Chris...what can I say..he is a cutie...oh and available....ha ha. He really is a sweetheart, I can't wait for him to move here!

These are Scott's parents...Lena and John. I call him Herman, I love picking at him. He is so funny. He is like 100 years old too.

These are our good friends from church, with their new baby. Colin...oo he is so cute.
They are part of the reason we find it so easy to stay here. It is so nice to have Christian friends. Burt is 13, ha ha...ok, not quite that young, I won't say how young he is!!! They are so much fun and I think my momma prayed them down to us. Friends like these don't happen by accident!

Well, this went from a favorite things...into a photo op. Besides me...they are why I want a share their life with her or him. I want to make Scott a proud daddy. I can see him now! He is just a big kid himself. I want my mom and dad to have a grandbaby from their baby girl. They are maw maw and paw paw to all their grandchildren. But, I have always called daddy I hope my baby will call him that as well. Not sure about moppy...he he, kinda cookey huh? Johnny, Todd and Tommy...will be great uncles I think. Johnny is so good with his grand babies. Susie and Lisa, wonderful aunts...i can see them both right now...ooing and ahhing. Misti, Lt. John, Brad and Cara and Lt. Tom...all would be sweet cousins...and Parker, Angel, Corey and Lily would make great cousins too. I hope this posts, I have been playing with it a long time....

hmm...could it be??

I was talking with a friend this morning and was telling her how I have been feeling the last week. Nauseated, mostly in the morning...but some in the evening as well. I never get queasy watching shows like CSI or NCIS...but last night, I about had to turn it. I have this horrible taste in my mouth. Constipated. Headache. Breasts feel heavy...weird, not painful though. Dizziness and soooo tired. And all of this could be a cold or flu...I am a little congested and been sneezing too. Way emotional (not that that is TOO unusual..huh Misti??). :) Some crampy like feelings in my lower abdomen. Not like period cramps. Actually more like ovulation pains, but I have already ovulated this month according to my monitor and my temps. But, I am not sure if I even ovulated. I ususally have such sore breasts when I do...and I had nothing. A few twinges on my left side but not like I usually do. I just have to pray hard, and faithfully that if this is it...God makes it a healthy safe 9 months. And if I am not, that in HIS time let me make Scott a daddy! I have lost another pound....10 pounds total now.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Turn your eyes....

O soul, are you weary and troubled?No light in the darkness you see?
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;

Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,His perfect salvation to tell!

***I just heard this on the radio and thought wow...something I really needed to hear! Where would I be without HIS grace...

Funny how...

When you are wanting to have a baby every detail you scrutinize as if it were a symptom of pregnancy. It has always been that way for me, but this month...I have a headache and I am thinking..hmm, that is a symptom! Today I am so nauseated...a symptom yes...but very unlikely a symptom of pregnancy. Probably a symptom of upping a medicine or a symptom of eating something I shouldn't have last night. *rolling my eyes at myself*

My dear, sweet, very articulate niece encouraged me to do this. I don't know if I will keep it up or not, but only time will tell. Sometimes when I do journal it hurts so much to go back and read it after a rough time. And my trying to have a baby has been the roughest thing I have ever encountered. The majority of women feel this is the most natural and easy thing to do...bear a child. It is like being told all your childhood and early teens that you will get to drive a car when you are 16, and then when you turn 16 you take the classes... you test drive the car over and over and go to get your license and you fail the test. You can study, test drive, read every book on driving but you always fail. 16 years later, you still are walking to work or riding in the passenger seat. Watching others drive their precious cars, you can even touch them mmm that new car smell...drives you nuts. Ok stupid analogy but you get the picture.

Very early in my marriage to Scott, the dearest man on earth, we decided to have a baby. We test drove.....erm, tried and tried on our no avail. We started seeking my doctors help...I could go on and on about this, but I won't. He told me that I didn't ovulate and had very few eggs and unless I wanted to use donor eggs basically I wouldn't have a baby. We were devastated and a young couple still in college and no way could we afford invitro. Trusting this doctor...he had been my doctor since I was 16... we went on with our baby-less life. Not sharing that with many, and when people would ask why we don't have children....I would always be creative, though inside dying each time the question was asked. Then when I turned 35, people would say it is best not to have a baby or you are older now...enjoy your life. Or the ever so popular, borrow would change your mind about having kids and you would return them! GRRRRRRRRRRRR people just don't know sometimes how sharp words are, how hurtful they can be. I digress...*after walking away from the keyboard for a few minutes*

Well, firstly, I changed doctors by accident really. I had a kidney infection and my doctor was out of town. I was working at the Health Department and one of the OBGYN's that was there said he would write me a prescription but would want to examine me the next morning. So I went to see him at his office, with the intention of just seeing him that one I had a doctor. I had to fill out some papers and when I went in to see him before the exam, he asked me if I had PCOS. I said no, I had asked my other doctor about it and he said that PCOS was not my problem. I trusted him as most of us do and let it go. Dr. Hamer asked if he could do an ultrasound and some blood work to just make sure. And lo and behold....full blown PCOS! He said that if I had been diagnosed and treated ... I could have had a baby by you know how frustrated, angry and sick I was!! He started me on the meds and within 3 months I went from having 1 period a being almost normal.

Well, we moved to Myrtle Beach and I was set up with a OBGYN here and she also confirmed the PCOS. She also did a D&C and biopsy. She said my lining was thick and that if we wanted to have a child we would need to get on the ball. She did 3 rounds of Clomid (fertility med) and after 3 failed months, she sent us to Dr. Schnorr in Charleston.

So late February we went to see him. He was so kind and I guess because of the fact he deals with women who can't easily conceive all the time, he really seemed to have the touch of dealing with this. We talked for about 45 minutes. Then we did another US and he said something that made my heart have TONS of eggs!! He said that everything was shaped perfect and that he didn't see why with his help we couldn't get pregnant. He said there were tons of cysts on my ovaries...hence POLY cystic ovaries. Soooo...we made a game plan. Scott was to have another semen analysis with a hemazona (sp?) assay and I was to have an HSG (hysterosalpingogram). So we went back a few weeks later and EVERYTHING came back perfect. Scotts tests were all WAY above normal. My HSG was all normal, my tubes were very open. The last part of the game plan was for me to lose 50 pounds. GRRR With my BP and diabetes he wants me to lose the weight that I would probably put on with it will be a few months before we really try, but it will happen. We are going to be doing IUI's....which is basically artificial insemination with Scott's swimmers. They wash his 'stuff' and pick out only the best, strongest swimmers and put them at the top of my uterus. This is after I take some injections to make me ovulate...oh yay.

So that is where we are. I have lost 9 pound so far and 41 to go seems like a mountain the size of Pikes Peak! But with God's Grace, a wonderful husband and friends encouraging me on....I can do it.

In the mean time...I have found this wonderful site full of women facing the mountain of infertility. FERTILCHAT is the name, it is amazing...all this time I thought I was alone in this (not realistic I know)...and here are hundreds of women going through it too. I feel their pain when they get a BFN (big freakin' negative) on a pregnancy test...and feel the happiness...and yes, jealousness when they get that BFP (positive). There are a lot of Christians there too :). I also joined SPARKPEOPLE to help me with the weight...and found a wonderful lady named Marilyn there that has helped me more than she will know. It is amazing how people you don't know really, can inspire you daily!

Lastly....without Christ and his wonderful grace, an amazing church and some friends from church, I think Scott and I would be ready to move home and find solace in our families. Even though we are miserable when we are in Morganton. Here we are so happy, but it was hard not to have someone to talk to and physically be with. Burt and Leslie...and baby Colin have filled that hole so wonderfully. We are so blessed to have such wonderful Christian friends. THOUGH...Leslie is an enabler when it comes to food....last night trying to get me to split a burger with her....GRR I talked Scott into doing it....he he. They share a lot of our values and are so fun to be with. Burt is sarcastic like me, and we go at each other a lot. He has a wonderful singing voice, I love to hear him sing. Leslie...she smiles constantly, and doesn't hold back how she feels about things; which is wonderful! We have fallen in love with all 3 of them.

OK...umm, I am at work and haven't got a thing, I guess I better go.

I will try to write a long post later...HA HA!