Thursday, November 30, 2006

Just when I think the worse...There is Scott!

This was one of my emails to Scott today. I sure know how to throw a pity party huh?


I am so sorry…maybe I didn’t pray enough or maybe I am being punished for something…I mean look at all that has happened to me since June…I have had to piss HIM off or something.

This was his reply to me...when did my husband get so insightful and faithful and .... I am at a loss for words.


Honey remember when you talked to the Pastor? Its not God that is doing this! The Devil has pegged us and is doing his best to beat us down and make us doubt our faith. I will not let him win he can go back to hell and stew over his future. This is all because he lost his hold on us!!! Look at us before, we where so backslidden, we didn’t go to church under the pretense that
No church felt right for us, remember that? Being honest now it wasn’t that the churches didn’t feel right to us, its we didn’t feel right with ourselves!

We didn’t want to commit to his will or his work and we felt out of place in his presence not in the church! After all a church is just another building unless you let God in to your life.

We did that we let him in we started following his will for us you went into the choir, I started helping out with the systems and we both where there when ever the doors where open.
We started to finally mature in our walk. The devil had us where he wanted us before, on the couch doing nothing to forward God’s work, then we went and did all this!??? You want to talk about someone pissed off!

Then we topped that off with trying to help Chris and moving home to be where we should be and starting to look at options like adoption and foster care so that we might spread our love and Gods love to little ones who have nothing at all…..

Yea we pissed someone off alright.

And I for one am glad he is pissed off and I hope we continue to piss him off till he leaves us alone in frustration, lets frustrated him and not let him frustrate us..

We will figure this out I can’t not work of course and I hope that this isn’t the last of this issue with them but even if this is we will figure this out.

Faith and prayer are our tools and the fact that we are using them more and more surely pleases God, and its not like he hasn’t done things for us, money when we needed it, help from out of nowhere, I know he is listening to us, but everything is in his time and according to his plan even the devil grieving us is part of it even though we don’t know why now we will later I am sure.

We must be strong and continue in his will and everything will work out I have faith if yours is feeling weak right now please share your burdens with me and I will share my faith with you and together we will get to where we want and need to be with God’s help.



Scott Lail
Database programmer/System Administrator


I don't even know where to start. I don't understand, so how do I put my thoughts into some sort of structure to get them here?

Scott fasted and prayed for a week for his job to allow him to work from home. I don't know how I could have prayed any harder or differently. I even took the step of faith that God was going to give us this and turned my resignation in at work. What more could we do to show God that out of anything we have asked and prayed for, this was more than a want...this was a need. Yet, Scott got the reply today to his request...denied. I don't understand.

I can't even finish my thoughts. I really believed this was going to happen...I believed with everything in me. I believed we would be home for Christmas. I believed that we would be starting the foster/adoption process soon as we got settled. I believed. I BELIEVED.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


Wow, this year has flown by. Seems like it should still be March or so.

Scott and I are leaving to go home ... around 3. We are staying tonight with my parents and doing lunch tomorrow with them. I am so worn o ut though...don't know how much fun I will be.

I realized why I posted that about Mark...holidays. They are always so hard when someone close to you has passed away. I think back to holidays with him, Christmas mainly. Though...he was a piglet at Thanksgiving.

I was going to do this 'What/who I am thankful for' post. But, I just can't today...weary really...physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I have been praying and praying hard for God to let this cup pass....but so far..still sippin from it.

I want to be thankful for Scott getting a job and be thankful that we are home.
I want to be thankful that they got it right and the headaches, blood pressure, diabetes... all gone!
I want to be thankful that all my friends and family are all happy and healthy.
I want to be thankful for a baby in my arms, one that will call me mommy and Scott daddy.

But, Scott doesn't have a job and we are still moving from hotel to hotel to house to here to there. We aren't home in our house in our bed.

But, I have a bad headache today, my blood pressure is up again, my sugar is outta wack again.

But, my friends and family are not all happy and dad is having a weak spell, my mom is having issues, Lena is about to have back much going on.

But, I don't have a baby in my arms, and with every day that day closer to 38...the possibility feels like it is totally slipping from my hand.

BUT, I have a saviour that has delivered me from so many things.
BUT, I have friends and many don't.
BUT, I do feel better than I have in a long time.
BUT, I have a plan for adoption and foster care.
BUT, Scott has a wonderful resume' and God will bless him with the right job...maybe the others weren't right.

Thank You God for what You have done, for what you will do and for all that You took away when I was 6 years old at Gilboa Baptist Church sitting on that back row with Tommy. I am glad I didn't have to earn it, You saved me because You loved me. Thank You for Your grace, Your forgiveness, Your strength when I am so weak and weary.

Monday, November 20, 2006


Our Church is starting a program... Reformers Unanimous. The international director came and preached at our church yesterday and my emotions were all over the place really. One of the first comments that stirred an emotion was that when 1 person has an addiction...4 people are directly affected. My mind raced back to Mark and when we first started seeing the signs of his addiction. The number 4...has to be an average...I can count 10 people without really trying, and I am sure there were more.

The preacher talked about how addiction was a spiritual thing. Mark was saved, I truly believe that...he was wounded...and I don't mean the fall that started his journey to pain meds...Mark was broken inside too I think, even before the fall. His wife had an abortion and didn't tell Mark she was even pregnant...and ohh how he loved children. That was the straw with Emma, he didn't look back when he walked out the door. That was unforgivable for him...for all of us. But, I can see that as a turning point for him. Though he dated other women, Linda was the most constant in his life...and it was a very intense, spark filled relationship. When they were good, they were really good. But, the bad...was soooo bad. Her children Terry and Brandy though, were the soft spot in Marks heart. He loved them like they were his own. Marks accident was during the time they were together, and marked the beginning of the end. His addiction started and it deteriorated their relationship...and his familial relationships as well.

I remember the first time I realized he had a problem. I was at his house, and Linda and I were playing cards....he came in and sat his bottle of Valium on the counter and went to the bathroom. We hid his a joke. He came in and was high, he said...yelled "WHERE are my was funny at first, but now...I wish I had realized it was sad.

Mark's addiction to pain meds led to other drugs, and that is not the opinion of my parents...though I know it. I found the burnt spoons and foil hidden in the bathroom trash....I saw him change with one bathroom visit. Popping a vicodin doesn't do that ...that quick. My frustration with him inhibited my heart I think.

Growing up he was the youngest of my 4 brothers and as tourturous as he was to me...I loved him so much. He would pick on me till he made me cry...but if someone else tried that, he would not hesitate to pop them or make them quit. He was very handsome and so talented on the piano. He had a very bright mind, he worked in cable and did an architects job and never graduated high school. He just had the brain for it, he could look at maps and such and design the lay out. He was just so smart in that arena. I was so proud of him....and regret to this day that I never told him any of that.

Then. Then. He fell from a cable poll onto his shoulder. Surgery wasn't an option, seemed pain med were the course he had to take. Him and Linda were rocky...more unsteady than ever in their relationship. He wasn't in church anymore. Once the taste was there for prescription meds...he had to have more and more. This escalated to one weekend, my parents were in Santee Cooper fishing...Mark went to a neighbor that had a small pharmacy in his basement that he provided service to local nursing homes. He went there with a gun, unloaded...but a gun no less. He went there with a bandana on. He walked in and demanded Vicodin. Later, we learned that the pharmacist had a gun under the counter and could have killed Mark. But, he said..."The man that did this, was so nice and so worried about my insurance paying for the theft...and he kept apologizing...I couldn't shoot him." It was a big deal in our small community. I was at my brother Johnny's when Mark came flying in behind his house leaving the truck. Johnny had already heard about it and Johnny knew it was Mark...I don't remember how he knew..or if I even really know how he knew...but he did. I remember Johnny crying. I went home to my parents house and saw Mark beside his little trailer burning a bandana and papers. It wasn't long after that, he was arrested and taken to jail. I remember hearing the sheriff pounding on my door wanting to talk to me to get a statement, and I hid in my closet, curled up in a ball crying until I could barely breathe.

I remember my dad and mom getting so mad at me, so mad at Johnny for saying out loud that we felt that he had done it. They couldn't believe he would do something like that. He denied it for a long time, finally admitting to us all he did it. ADDICTION caused a normal, loving, talented, smart, funny, friendly, honest man to lie, steal and break the hearts of those he loved and loved him back.

He was later convicted and sent to prison. I remember while he was waiting trial they had let him out...I am sure after my parents paid some exhorbinate amount of money. Mark said he wanted help and my dad had this big old blue chevy van. HUGE! My mom and I drove him to 3 different hospitals....all day long. Every time we would pull into the parking lot of one of the treatment centers...he would back out. Even as far as going in and then turn around and come right back out. He had a bag packed and everything. I was so angry at him. He had to want it, and as hard as we tried to force him...he pushed back. I went with my daddy the day he was convicted. I felt relief, thinking he would get the help he needed. I felt sad, he would miss almost 5 years of his life...our lives. I felt disconnected, I chose not to write or call or visit him while he was in prison. I got angrier by the day. I would read his letters to my mom and dad. He would start by saying how miserable he was, continue on to how he has turned to God and finish with how much money are they sending. My parents exhausted their bank accounts helping him, paying for new lawyers, sending him money for cigarettes and 'other' things. He didn't get the help he needed, he fell through the cracks and was treated as just another inmate...not someone that is suffering with an addiction. I did write him one time not long before he got out...just wanted him to know that I forgave him and we could start over when he got out. He never responded.

He did finally get out. He seemed better, more like the old Mark. Him and I talked, we were good. We sat on our front porch and talked. He told me he hated being 'OUT', he said he wasn't ready really to be on his own. He got up and started to walk back up to moms, and turned and hugged me and said he was sorry for everything and it would be better. Then...old friends came around. He went to yet another doctor, he begged to be admitted into the psych ward or some program. Instead she sent him home with Morphine patches. That is just what a well documented addict needed...more, stronger pain meds. He came home, he put on a patch...and I am sure took some Vicodin or whatever he had. Todd said he came down and talked to him a bit, how when he felt better he wanted to work with Todd in the shop. Then he went somewhere, came back to mom and dads house and crashed in the recliner. Daddy said he knew Mark was high. He was mad at Mark and they argued...Dad didn't want him sleeping in the chair because he knew it would hurt his back. Finally, Mark got up and went to bed. The next morning, Daddy said he walked by the room where Mark was asleep several times...but was gonna just let Mark sleep it off. Lunch time came, my mom was out in the garden. Daddy stopped and turned the light on and went in to wake Mark. Mark was gone. Oh his body was there, but Mark was gone.

I don't know the details really but my mom said that she heard this guttural yell from my daddy...that made her cold. She ran to the house, up the stairs and from that point until I get a call from Scott I am not sure what happened. I rarely left work early, I worked in Hickory and would always stop at my mom and dads before going home. I left work early...heading for my parents. Scott calls me from my office in Hickory asking where I was. I can see it today. I was just passing Salem General Store when he called. He said to come back to Hickory or wait for him so we could have dinner. It was 230ish....I knew something was up. I said no, just meet me at home. He said Hope...STOP, don't go home. I froze and thought for a split second my daddy was dead, or my mom....both had just had heart surgeries. But before he said anything, before I said anything...I knew it was Mark. I said what has he done now. Scott wouldn't say and I said is he dead? Scott wouldn't answer just begged me not to go home. I hung up and didn't answer when he called. I remember pulling in the driveway...2 ambulances, several sheriff cars and there stood Todd and Johnny. I rammed into a sheriff car *oops* and stopped, got out and Johnny told me that Mark was dead. All I wanted to do was get to my mom and dad...but no one would let me. ADDICTION did this. That day changed our lives forever.

He was 35. I am 37 now. I am 2 years older than when he was when his breath stopped. How did time go by?

The days following his death, very blurry. I remember going with mom and dad to pick out a coffin. Nothing I ever ever want to do again. I remember the night at the funeral home, receiving friends. I remember most who came by to offer their condolences. I would say a lot never knew Mark...they knew and loved us. I do remember those that I expected to be there and never came. That night made me realize how important it is to be there during the painful time of death, especially those first few days. I remember those that came, brought food, prayed with me and my family. I remember those that didn't come. I wonder sometimes why they didn't. I know there is a good excuse probably....but it doesn't dull that wonder and yes...a little hurt. But, it sealed my promise to be there for anyone that is close to me that loses someone. I don't want anyone to wonder where I was!

Addiction. I have had every opportunity to be addicted to pain meds. I have had several surgeries and recently have been given every kind of pain med thinkable to control migraines. But, Mark comes to mind and I chose not to take the pills. I don't want to hurt anyone like that. And what really perplexed me for a long time...he was not the kind you would picture to become addicted. He grew up in a Christian home, his daddy was a Baptist preacher. He was loving and kind, funny and smart...talented, why would he need to dull life with drugs??

Addiction. The preacher spoke of it often during his sermons. I don't think all treatment programs are bad, just the ones Mark was in...they would give him more drugs..though was still something he would abuse. I wish this program had been here when Mark was going through this. He could relate to Christians, he was one. I think this would have changed his life where we all failed, where all the programs, jails, psych wards failed.

I never thought I would be typing all of this...not sure why I am, other than God just laying it on my heart. This program our church is participating with and starting will do so much good, especially in a community like this. Addiction isn't just drugs... I know that, but that is the venue that has impacted my life so intensely.

I promise to pray for this program at our church and all the churches across the US that have this program. I am sure it will impact many lives here in Myrtle Beach.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Christian friends..

I think I take them for granted more than any friend I have. I know they are praying for me, I know that they will be there with something inspirational...such as a verse, poem, song...I just know that. And it isn't just friends...some family too.

I know that my mom and I don't always agree, but when something is going on...she is the first one I call out to for prayer. I know she has a direct line to God and boy when she prays things happen. She is who I think of when I think of prayer warrior. She had a group of women, her sister in law, niece and a few others that called themselves the Salty Sisters. They got together about once a month for dinner and Bible Study and prayer. My mom always wanted me to go, but I didn't think I would fit I wish I had. Most of them have passed away, and my mom isn't able to do as much as she used to. But...I have friends...really good friends that I could call my Salty Sister. Kari is the first one that comes to my mind. LoriBeth is another. They both have really been there when I needed someone to pray for me, when I didn't even ask them to...I knew they would be praying. They would send me a message or even call and I knew that God sent them to me.

I am finally coming out of the valley and that is when you realize who is there and not. They are still there! Last Sunday, the preacher talked about standing in for someone that is in the need of prayer and these two ladies came to my mind. LoriBeth is pregnant, anxious and worried...having a lot of morning sickness, so first I prayed for her with all my heart. Then, my dear friend Kari...she wants a baby so badly. She was just started on Clomid and was very apprehensive. I prayed for her to get pregnant soon...prayed til I cried for her. I don't go to the altar as much as I should, *STUPID REASON...don't want people looking at my butt while I am kneeling*, but I went this day. I went for them, for me, for Scott...Oh Lord, please give him a job home.

On that note, Scott hasn't had really any firm interviews which is so very disappointing. He usually gets the job he goes for, only God knows why not now. He told me today he wants me to move home at Christmas. I don't know what to say. I have this lump that rises in my throat when I even think of being without him for a day...much less an extended period of time. Silly I know, but after 17 just isn't OK to be without him in my heart...even if it isn't for long. I just don't know what to do, my heart says stay here with him until he gets a mind says go home, get the house ready and have everything done by the time he moves home. I just don't know what to do grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Praying for the answer...praying Scott gets a job and it isn't an issue.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Welcome to the world...Clark and Addison!

Today, my friend Jami had her babies. It has been a very scary few days, her blood pressure was up and she was getting dizzy. She went to the hospital on Sunday and after debating what to do for a day or so...they delivered the babies by c-section this morning. Clark, he weighted 5 pounds 11 ounces and Addison...she weighed 5 pounds 13 ounces. She is older by 3 minutes I believe! It is hard to believe they are here...she was a few days over 35 weeks. They are both doing good, Clark had some breathing issues, but has recovered fast.

Jami and CJ are already great parents to Alec and Ally...and now, with these, gonna have their hands full. I am just soooo very happy for them. I talked to Jami yesterday and heard Addisons heartbeat, then today....I returned her call and I heard Addison cry :) I can't wait to see pictures.

What a blessing this is for Jami...for us all really. So out of the Divas...we have 2 boys and 2 girls...Hayden and Madie born to Laura and Pennie are the other too...and ooo so precious are they! Everyday I become more and more greatful for these friendships and I hope they all know that.

SOOoooo HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLARK AND ADDISON...welcome to the both and your mommy will be in my prayers....always. I can't wait to hug you both....

Monday, November 13, 2006

His Glory Revealed...

Peter 4:12-13- Do not be surprised at the painful trial that you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you will be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

A dear friend..yes, Kari again :) has exposed me to this verse. At first I read it and thought aww...great verse. But, it has been calling to me in a way. I thought about it and tried to apply it and was having difficulty.

Today, I read it and my heart opened up to it and wow....I am really almost speechless. Really since we have opened up to foster care/adoption... a lot of things have became clearer and made me see things in a different light.

I am so content with the heartfelt knowledge that His glory will be revealed when we get home and the process of foster care begins. God has done everything but set me in the DSS parking lot showing me that this is a path He wants me on. He even gave me a job in the Health Department where I saw multiple foster families every day...yet, I have been more consumed and determined with my own plans and what I think is my future...than what my God has planned for me. I could go on and on as to why God sent us to Myrtle Beach...but the main purpose was for us to find His will for our lives. He gave us a great church that nurtured that, wonderful friends here, an awesome Pastor...who I think will always be that to me! But, while here, He allowed us to be on the mountain quickly sink to the lowest valley of our lives. But....even in the God is good. I have became more humble to Him, quicker to turn to Him, more aware daily that if not for Him and His grace I wouldn't be where I am...and there is a mountain top in view. I just really feel that He has something great planned, and I haven't given up hope on having a child born to Scott and I...but that is not my only predestined path. I don't know why I have to always get into God's way when he knew me before I was thought of, knew where He wanted me...I would have been where He wanted me a long time ago...if it wasn't for that M word....ME ME ME ME!

His glory will be revealed, and there is this feeling in my heart and soul that it will be soon.

Isaiah 26:3
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

Thursday, November 02, 2006


Today...I had an ah-ha moment. A woman who has such a way with words, read my blog today. I had commented that if I had been more open to adoption, Scott and I would be more than a couple....we would be a family. DB just messaged me and said this...

Don't mislead yourself. You and your DH have always been a family since the moment you said I do. It's not quantity that makes a family. It's quality.

WOW...profound and so true...what was I thinking demoting our relationship from family to rude of me...SORRY SCOTT! I think back to the comment my sweet sweet DH said...I was being my normal emotional self and was telling him I feel useless not being able to make him a daddy...and he said something I will never forget...You made me a husband...that is all I need...

I am so blessed, I have such a wonderful husband...God had to have picked him out just for doubt about it. Most men would think twice about not having a child, when we heard that might be our reality...he was so wonderful and loving. mmm I love him!!

I am so blessed, I have wonderful parents that love me pretty much unconditionally. They are always there when I need them, and as they have gotten older...they have mellowed out a little and handle things so much better. I don't know where I would be without them.

I am so blessed, I have great friends. Leslie and Burt have meant so much to me, they make us laugh, they make us feel somewhat grounded here in Myrtle Beach. I will miss the closeness I have with them and can only pray that I find or refind friends like this in NC. Scott has always just been my best friend and until meeting Burt and Leslie...never really had close close couple friends. This was the hardest thing to let go of here. Speaking of friends...

Jami...she is pregnant with twins, Clark and Addison..Addison was a boy then a mystery and now...a GIRL! YAY. She has had a hard time with her pregnancy, but she is always there for me when I need a friend. She really is awesome!

DeeDee...also pregnant with twins...Thomas and William...and they have stayed boys :) She is one of the funniest people I know. She can make me laugh until I cry ohhh my gosh. She has such a smile about her, it shows through in her voice on the phone and in her typing. I luff her :)

Shannon...trying like me to get pregnant...she is so funny, she should be from the mountains of NC too...she has such strength and inner and outer beauty. She is always there to listen and to help in any way possible. She was probably the first Diva I really talked with... :)

Michelle...getting ready for IVF...she is young and beautiful. She is a teacher, she too is a ha ha way...not lesbian way :p She is one of those shock and awe kind of look at her pics and hear her voice and think, aww such a sweet person...quite and demure...LOL get to know her and she is just as crazy as me or any of the divas. Don't let her dancing monkey fool you! She has a way about her...and she has that smile too...all about her!

Robyn....she is getting ready for IVF too. She is a fitness guru! She is part of the reason I am losing weight. She took time out of her busy life to write to Shannon and I about some tips and ideas on losing weight. She is so giving and wonderful. She lives in CA and rubs elbows with stars all the time...She is one that you know will be there.

Jennifer...pregnant with...a surprise! The baby wouldn't cooperate and show us the goods, so for now...we wait, though I think boy. She is one of the strongest people I have ever met. She is taking care of her sick father and her love and compassion for him and others is so wonderful to see. She is always smiling and looks cute in a santa outfit :) She is always there too, giving advice and support.

Christina...pregnant with a girl...well, we don't know that yet...but I know it :p Where would we all be without her, she and her husband created and maintain Fertilchat. She is so awesome to give of her time to do this for us. She too is such a strong person and is always there to give advice and support to me. She has such an accent :p

Pennie...just delivered the cutest lil girl Madie. She is such a great mommy. Pennie is awesome too, you can always depend on her to be there to help or just to listen. She is fun to be with and gives the best support and advice too. She has such strong faith and she has helped me more than she will ever know!

Carla...struggling like a few of us. She lives in the UK and just got a new job, so not as much of her on the boards...but when she is there...ohh gosh so funny. She says what she thinks man, and doesn't hesitate. You never see her shake, she is so strong and determined. I just wished she didn't live so dang far away!

Last but not least....

Laura...just had Hayden...Madies boyfriend ;) She is so pretty and makes such a great mom. Laura has a way with words too, she always makes me feel better and no matter what she looks for the positive. She is so much fun and has something about her that just makes you wanna hang out with her!

No particular order by the way :p

I could go on and on. But, today I wanted to thank them for being there, for loving me and my faults and for always being supportive. Sometimes they have to kick me in the butt...but I need it. I hope to be half of what they have been to me.

I am so blessed with a good family as well, great brothers that I have missed so much and look forward to getting closer to them again. Great sister in laws, nephews, nieces too. I can't wait to be home to be closer to them again.