Saturday, March 31, 2007


She is sick. I am afraid she is really bad sick. She has pneumonia for one. That she is getting over pretty easily. I am worried about her heart. She has a stent, a few known small blockages and recently she was diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation. The doctor came in on Friday and said her symptoms sound more cardiac than the ER docs thought. Her chest pain is quickly eased with nitroglycerin. When they put the patch on she had relief all through the day. When it started to wear off, the chest pressure started back.

I am scared that this is more than a stent can handle. I don't know how to handle her having bypass if that is required. That is a tough surgery and she is just not up to herself right now. But, God knows how much she can handle...and my mom is tough. She has many praying for her and prayer is the best medicine. Wouldn't it be great if she has the cath on Monday and it comes back fine! That would be an answer to all of our prayers.

Johnny, my brother...he can be comic relief sometimes. He said that he hates it..and so does a lot of people...when mom is in the hospital. Not for reasons you might guess...but because my mom is the never ending cook. She feeds the whole crowd and anyone else that might be lurking around. I have never been in her house when there wasn't something cooking or already cooked. At the very least, and I love this meal...there is ALWAYS a pot of pintos on and corn bread fritters or a cake of corn bread's on the table in 10 minutes...just enough time to get your favorite jar of chow-chow opened and a big ole glass of milk poured. So Johnny said worse thing about mom being sick...we all gonna starve. We are gonna look like a bunch of Ethiopians running around! We all cracked up. I needed that laugh. I love him. Johnny is so busy all the time..he worries me. It can be hard to get in touch with him. BUT, if one of us are in trouble, sick, whatever and he gets wind of it...he is there. He loves his family, he has a never ending supply of forgiveness and love for all of us. I know when I need him, though I might can't find him right off he will be there.

Tommy is in his own hard time world. But if I needed him I know he would be there for me. different as him and Johnny are in is priority to Todd as well. I don't know how mom and dad would live without him. He has taken on the responsibility of caretaker for them. If something is going on, Todd will be down there in a flash to do what is needed. I know if I called him he would be there just as fast. He has a heart as big as the out doors. I love him, I don't tell them enough.

So if you read this...take a minute please and pray for my momma. My daddy too. He is worn out from driving 45 minutes each way to see her and he can't sleep without her. He just looks pitiful. Even though they fuss sometimes...they can't do without each other.

It took a lot for me to let her stay alone tonight. But, I have a headache and I think it is because I didn't use my crap mask (C PAP) last night. I didn't sleep good last night and hope I get a good nights rest so I can get up early and go in and give her a good bath and wash and dry her hair.

I love her.


Today marks another year...another year without hearing the piano playing, another year without someone pulling my hair and running, another year without his practical jokes, another year without...without Mark. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. I learned some things I didn't know today...Lisa told me that she was the one that called 911. The 911 operator made Lisa go up to where Mark laid and check for pulses. Lisa had to walk past the bay window and look out and see my daddy clinging to a pole outside, crying out...then walk up those stairs just getting to the door to the back porch and see my mother crying...vomiting from the grief. She then had to walk through the den, into my old bedroom and look at my brothers body laying there to check to see if he was alive. He wasn't, he was already cold. Then Lisa had to make that same walk in reverse back to the phone to tell the operator that he was not breathing, had no pulse and was cold. The operator said...we will send someone out but it will be a while since he is dead already. Lisa lost it, she yelled at the operator that Mark may be gone, but his parents are not doing well and if they didn't want to deal with a heart attack or one of them getting really sick they better send someone now. I don't know how long it took the EMS to get there, but they did. I never knew any of that, I can't bring myself to talk to my mom and dad about it. My mom prayed last night that God would let her dream about her baby boy during the still of the night. I don't know if she did. But, I can't imagine clinging to dreams to hold onto your youngest son. When I walked into Mom and Dads house today to get ready for the showers...I heard walking upstairs and assumed it was daddy. I yelled.."DADDYYYYY...I am here..." Then bout yelped when he said I am in here and walked out of the kitchen. I said I heard something upstairs just assumed it was you. He said no, it is the ghost...said it so matter of factly. I got a chill and just let it go.

I went by his grave today, I was so tired...had just left the hospital. But I sat there beside his grave and though I knew he knows about mom being sick...I just talked to him...closed my eyes and it took me a moment to get his face in my vision...but when I did, I just couldn't help but smile. He was so funny, he would probably cry though..he loved his mom - and Dad too. But he was a mommas boy. He would probably say that mom is too tough to let this get her down long and would be sitting in her hospital room flirting and joking with the nurses. People would remember and know him before they would mom...he just had that kind of personality.

Mark I love you, I hope you visited our mother last night in her dreams. I hope you gave her a hug and she felt it with every fiber in her body. I hope she could smell your hair and feel the softness of your skin under her lips...if only in a dream - it would bring her such joy.

Another shower...not for me

I am not having a pity party really, just I sat back at the baby shower today and wondered if I would ever have one of my own. Would I ever sit there opening the gifts that friends and relatives bought for my child. There wasn't many there really, but I told Scott I wouldn't care if no one had shown if it was my baby shower...just to know that I was having a child or already had one would be good enough for me. I couldn't help but tear know me the queen of emotion.

I fed and burped Illan, he is getting so big. Of course he spit up on me again, he does every time...but I don't mind, I just take every second holding him as a blessing. He brought me out of a lonely place. That is a lot to lay on a little 10 pound baby...but it is true. First there was Colin, he was really the first baby I had held in probably the entire time Scott and I had been married. Gosh I love and miss him. there is Illan. The precious time I get with him...I close my minds eye and for a split second he is mine...this feeling is what I am supposed to feel as a woman. His tiny hand wrapped around my finger, his soft skin against my face. It takes my breath those feelings...but in that same that same split second, I let the breath out and back to reality..he isn't mine. I claim no one as 'mine'.

As we were cleaning up from the party, Randall (Illan's daddy) was telling me of a house in Valdese they are looking into. That does excite me as that is just up the road. Then they were packing to leave and I leaned in to kiss Illan and he smiled, the biggest smile ever (NO CAMERA DANG IT!) and it melted my entire being. They were talking about who was to carry what and I jokingly said you can just leave me the baby ... and in a baby-fied voice I looked at Illan and said forever and ever. Randall - just as jokingly, said that will be 400 dollars down and 100 dollars a week. Before I even could think, I said...sad part of that I would pay that and more to have a child. The sadder part still is that to adopt an infant is really like buying a baby. Until I have started looking into this, I never realized how expensive this is going to be. Fostering to adopt is a little cheaper, but you really never know what you will get if you even are able to adopt the child that you foster parent. At least with straight - on adoption you set parameters and you pretty much get what you want..just maybe not in a timely manner. But the money...20-40 thousand dollars...YES I said THOUSAND, is how much we will have to beg steal or borrow to have a child. WHY? Why when there are babies that need me does it have to be so hard? Who is making this money? It obviously doesn't go to the child. I am angry at this system, but what does one do that feels there is a child that needs me and can't see letting the almighty dollar keep that child away from his or her mother.

Wow, sorry didn't even know all that was coming out. We are at a crossing point now. We are considering adopting an older child - 12+. We have real concerns after sitting down and talking about it. Children this old, their morals and values and thoughts are pretty much set, or being set. How would I tell a child that I can't take them to their Catholic church - because I am a baptist. Who am I to tell a child that something they believe is not what I believe, so they have to change. But, then I think...this child probably more than a 1 year old needs a loving home, consistency, reliable people to consider their parents. That child may only have 2 years before he or she is considered an adult and then will be sent out into a world with no one to call home to. No one to give them away at their wedding, no one to introduce to their child as Grandpa. No one to have a history with. I know that we would have separate histories up until a point, but history starts as early as an hour....a minute ago. Some shared history to a 16 year old is better than none.

So yeah...frustrated with the system is an understatement. I have to wonder what is so different from the illegality of buying a baby versus paying unspeakable amounts to lawyers and such to get one legally. SIGH.

So frustrated I went as far as looking into surrogacy. I was thinking well...other than the cost of IVF and FET what else could there be??? WRONG! That is just the beginning. Surrogacy costs from 50k and up. No joke! If it was me and I could carry a child for someone unable to - I would do it out of sheer empathy. But I guess that is why I would, because I have lived the infertile life, knows every pain that includes and wouldn't wish that on anyone. But most surrogates charge 20k plus. That is not including ANYTHING else, medical, lawyers, maternity clothes, all sorts of miscellaneous charges. Soo, that is out of the question. So there I am in the adoption arena again - one I think we will have to forge ahead with. Choices are limited now. Now...we are having to make a plan on how to come up with all the moneys required to do this. A friend suggested Adoption fund raisers, I just don't know how that would fly. I could see some of the fuddy duddies that are in our family saying "WHAT?". No one would understand, no one that I know really in my family has had issues getting pregnant. I don't know why I have been 'blessed' with this with no one in my family to share it with. Not that I wish any of them to have had to go through this....but you know the saying "Misery loves company". So I think the fund raiser idea is probably not an option as well.

I am really surprised at the length of this post, it really wasn't headed in this direction. Gonna finish this one, there are other things going on in my life that I wanna post about.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Spring has sprung :)

The sun is shining and there are a few white billowy clouds in the sky. There is a light breeze blowing and the bumble bees have went nuts I think. You can hear the birds singing and playing. There goes the neighbors dog, it barks at bugs I think :) Henry is perched up high on the shelf above the TV keeping from the heavy paws and sharp teeth of our loving Sandy...who is contently chewing on .... ooo something she shouldn't be! I didn't need that plastic cup anyways.

Life goes on, nothing that breaks my heart or makes me cry or takes my breath interrupts this ... this cycle of living. Even my own life. I still woke up this morning, still took my shower and brushed my teeth...even though I was heartbroken last night and at that moment in time it did feel like life had hadn't. There was Scott getting ready for work and all those feelings from last night dulled by the light of a new day and the sight of my soul mate leaning in to kiss me good bye as he left for work...a trailing I love you as I heard the door shut. I am amazed every day that I have the love of this man. He continually picks me up, holds me tight and makes everything ok.

Yesterday started off great, we had planned a picnic at the falls and Mom, Dad, Tommy, Scott, Myself, Brad and Marquita, Cara, Randall and Illan, Misti, Brady and Lily came. Ohh don't forget Sandy...she was the life of the party. We eat and talk...then we all go down to the water. There were a lot of families there which always tugs at my heart...I want our child to be there playing too. But, there was my family playing and laughing...I caught it on the camera and here are some pictures.

Sandy...lovin her some water!
Marquita and Illan...aww she needs to get pregnant already they have been married 4 months now dang it!
Family pic with Misti, Lily and Brady
She has stolen Sandys ball and is shocked that Sandy wants it back!!
rare picture that I have...Brady and his baby girl Lily
My Poppy
Sandy just took a seat...a cool one :)
Cara and Illan...he wasn't crazy about the sun :)
Kita and Brad...they make an amazing couple!
Family pic of Cara, Illan and Randall
Group Cousin pic!
We were all about to come home and Cara asked if we would watch Illan and of course I said yes. He is 5 weeks old now and I couldn't wait to spend some time with him. We get home and I take him out of his carseat and lay him on the couch...sleepy lil boooger. Finally he got hungry so I made him a bottle and fed him, was so nice. I burped him and then he threw up...not just spit up...threw up all over me. Poor thing, he did that then filled his diaper. Sooo I cleaned him up, changed his diaper then asked Scott if he wanted to hold him...and a first...HE SAID YES!! So I handed him over to Scott and the baby was so sweet in his arms. I sat down and my eyes filled with tears....this is the first baby Scott had ever in his life held. He says it was because he didn't want to break them, but as soon as I saw the look on his face, the quiver in his lips as he looked down at Illan...I knew the real reason why. I could barely say anything and walked to clean my self and change shirts. As I was walking back I heard him talking to him, not baby talk...but couldn't understand what he was saying but when I walked back in...he was crying as hard as I was and I just sat down beside him and with few words we just enjoyed this moment in time, this moment of my sweet gentle husband holding a new life with the love of his life by him. If someone was looking in the window they would have thought it was a happy little family.

We haven't talked about it really, there wasn't much to say. My heart still is tight with the memories of him holding the baby. I felt/feel like a failure as a wife in not being able to give that to him. No one can understand this if they have had a child...and I know family really try to just find the right things to say...but there isn't words that can even take the edge off of this pain.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007


Today I was making a list of things that needed to be done before we could get the house inspected for our home inspection required by the state for those applying to be foster parents or adoptive parents.

The list is long, and after writing the list...I started on a letter to my family asking for help to expedite all the things we need to do. I have talented brothers who hopefully will be there for this dream of ours...and then there is Scott's dad and mom, both so smart with things. My dad is a jack of all trades.

Anyways...the revelation...I sat back and was praying and thinking of people I knew that was adopted. Not many really. But hit me, the King of Kings, my Lord and Savior, my Jesus...was adopted. He was adopted by Joseph. If adoption is good enough for my Jesus, ohhh wow... Words have escaped me. hit me Scott is adopted as well. John, his dad...the man that loved him when he didn't have to adopted him just before we got married so we could legally be Lails! He had been in Scott's life since Scott was 4 or 5 and had called him dad for about that long as well.

I went on the NC adoption/foster website and you can look through the children. I wanted to take all of them home with me. I hate that we only have a 2 bedroom house...or we might have a house full.

I can't wait to share my family with a child. Look at them down there...they are the best and have so much to offer. Just think about all the music that will be in their lives, my brothers and parents and nephews are so talented...I can't wait to see what musical trait my child will have. All the fishing trips, trips to the beach, Christmas much to share!

I did have this thought again today...all this time, I was thinking I needed a child...but...OUR child needs US!

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Happy birthday Caleb!!!

Well, Caleb is 4...and what a sweeet 4 year old he is. His mom and dad threw his party at Hickory Dickory Dock . We get there and he has this lil look on his face...

was so funny... he was so happy when we came in.

I invited Little John and his 4 year old son Korey and they came. Chris and Little John have been friends a long time, just they don't see each other much. Korey head straight for the bumper cars :)
I haven't spent much time with him, but he has grown up so much. He can count to 100, THEN he counts to 10 in Spanish...he speaks really country it was like uuuno, dose, trace...sooo cute. He had a great time I think...he said he did.

It was so cute watching Chirsten and Caleb with their daddy...there is no doubt of the love they share. These pictures prove that!

He LOVEEESSSSS Cars the here was his cake:

He was so excited, and blushed and hid his face when we sang happy birthday. It was so cute.

It was so cute, Chirsten had to help him blow out the candles.

I swear Chirsten looks drunk...guess we will have to talk about drinking and driving!! (The cup really has tokens in it)

Little John, Caleb, Chris, Korey and Chirsten...hmm wonder if she will like younger men :)

And within 5 minutes of being in the car...he is asleep...awwww. He is really such a sweetie!

Later that night...Scott and I met up with Cara and Randall and Illan and went bowling. We laughed so much, from the "LEVE IT HERE" sign to Caras ball barely rolling down the poor Randalls green ball getting stuck on his thumb. Illan was so good, he didn't puke on me one time! It was fun and I beat Scott TWICE! He beat me once. Cara won one as well. I hate that others that were invited didn't come... Pizza afterwards was great too.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

fun with Chirsten and Caleb

We went to Scott's parents and there were Chirsten and Caleb. They are so much fun. I wish some days I had an ounce of their energy. Caleb is turning 4 this week and he is just soooo smart. It seems both of them walked and talked early, and Chirstens teachers are always talking about how smart Chirsten is, she is usually ahead of all of the other kids in her class. She gets her smarts from me HAHA.

The kids though, are going through a lot of things. In spite of all of the issues with their parents...and the mothering of the grandmother...they are good kids. They are well-behaved, smart, beautiful children. It scares me sometimes how they will be when they get older, they get everything and I do mean everything they ask for...and reality is not going to be like that.

They love Scott...I have never seen kids act like they do around him. Scott has always been scared around kids and now he just plays and acts like they are his own kinda and it is so heart warming to see it.

Speaking of energy....

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

On a lighter side..

This crazy dog just steals my heart more and more every day. She has calmed down a lot and when Scott isn't home she comes and lays her head on my leg....sooo sweeeeeet. Lots of slobbery kisses too. Her and the cat has finally started playing...

so funny!

Yesterday Lily and Misti came for a visit...Lily is so photogenic.

the last one was her holding the clothes I had gotten her...looks like she likes 'em huh?

She is sooo cute.

Then today...we finally get a car. Funny we started out Scott wanted nothing but a Jeep...NOTHING else would do. Well, 4 weeks later, he and I talked and we didn't think that the jeep would be too kid friendly and that is our future one way or the this is what we got. VW Passat far from a jeep! It is so nice, all leather and just an all around sweet ride.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Days are...

so unstructured since I haven't been working. I never thought I would miss work but I DO! Too much free time, time to think, time to just dwell on so much!

I woke up this morning with a high temp...NOOoo not a fever, a higher basal body temp, meaning maybe I ovulated this month, will see how it carries out. I don't think it happened, but who know...God does!

I think I am ok, then I watch something on TV, go into a baby store, walk down the babyfood section in the grocery store, and I wanna be able to tell my mom I am pregnant like the girl on TV, I want to go buy new clothes and spend way too much on my child, I want to get baby food and diapers and formula and bottles...ugh. I sit reminded of my empty spot that no well meaning family member can make go away...just this week was told again..."If it is meant to will happen" I wanted to say sure, and it must be meant to happen that I hang up on you...CLICK. See how that would make them feel?? People just don't get how excruciatingly painful infertility is...every day, every hour...some days every minute. This morning sitting on the porch watching the dog play, thinking about how much my child would enjoy this puppy...crying, and the only way I can think to get the pain somehow explain this is - to me, I have experienced a most deepest my child has died. That sandy blond haired, blue eyed baby boy I have dreamed about, secretly bought clothes for and toys and such for, has died. He was as alive in my heart and soul and mind as any other baby, but lately I have realized that the chances of that baby being in my arms...being anything other than a dream are very slim. I know that may sound dramatic, but getting to the point of foster care and adoption has came at the high price of acceptance...acceptance that my Isaac isn't going to be. And before all my Christian - God can do anything - family and friends think I have given up on God's power.....I haven't, but clinging to this hope has made me wait 17 long long years before I could say ok, there is another way. I still know that once a month or so...I will think ooo I am 2 days late, could it be...then emotionally go through that whole process again. I wish God would do the writing thing on the wall, or a dream, or some way have told me a long time ago, thousands - maybe 10's of thousands of dollars ago that I was not going to have a child. Funny, when family and friends thought we just don't manage money well, we blow it a lot...most of the time we were privately seeing a specialist, doing tests, buying meds that insurance wouldn't cover. We aren't Burt, that is for you Burt :), but now that we have given up that quest...our bank accounts look better, bills are paid on time and ohh gosh we have some money in Savings!!

Before I end this, ALL the love in my heart that I have had for my Isaac is still there, some days it consumes is one. But, my heart is open to a gift, to a child that may need me, need my love, my silliness, my laughter, my tears, my arms, my home, my family, my God, my everything. I know that all I have I could and will give to whatever child God sends my way. This is His plan, I am but a pawn. I know that Scott feels the same way, he is the one that opened my eyes to all of this when he said that God may have a child out there that needs us just as much as we want a child. He said that maybe our plan isn't just to have a child, but to save a child.

One day at a time, Lord Jesus, that is all I am asking from you...

Saturday, March 10, 2007

What new life can do...

It can cure the funk!

And I have been in quite a funk lately, culmination of a lot of things, but a funk none the less. So what do you think my dear sweet loving *cough* husband does...takes me to get this...

This is Sandy Sue Caroline and here is her story. She is 7 1/2 months old, her previous owner Chuck got her when she was 2 months old. He has an older black lab and after 5 months of trying, the older lab Ebony stayed out of sorts disconnected while Sandy was there. So he put an ad in the paper to 'interview' people to take her. She is registered AKC, he paid 250 bux for him, but was giving her away to the right family. He explained to people when they called that she was an inside dog. The woman he chose picked her up Thursday night and called him later that night frantic. She put her outside in a fence and left her. When she got back the dog had jumped the fence and she wanted to know if Sandy had jumped a fence before. Chuck said, she has never been in a fence before! He told her he was coming to get her and so he did. It was just meant to be, when we got there, there were 20 messages on his answering machine about her and he had set up times with a lot of folk, had talked to a few already too. But, as soon as I walked in, Ebony and Sandy were all over me and he said they really don't do that. Then Sandy...exhausted by the night before lays on my feet and falls asleep! We thought we would be talking to him and then leave and then he says he feels that we are perfect for her and would we want to take her home. Oooo I was so excited. He gave us all of her paperwork with her heritage and registration and such, then handed us two bowls full of toys an another collar. He hugged and loved on her and then we loaded her up! Ebony even jumped in the car to go.

He offered us the crate that she uses and we took that as well. She is house trained, does a few commands, and is crate trained to stay in their while we are gone and such. Luc never used a crate, but he never was destructive. I don't know if we will use it as much, but we'll see.

So this morning I got up at 6 and she came running with not one...but two toys in her mouth! I don't know how she did that. So we played in the house for a bit, she is so good at fetch and then we walked outside and played until she did her binnnness.

Henry....not so happy, he won't even sit long enough to even talk to the dog. He didn't come out from under the couch until I took her outside, soon as we walked back in...zooooooooooooom. Poor cat, I know he hasn't ate or drank all night...not to speaking of poooop or least he better not have under that couch!

Hoping today ends our car search, Scott really wants something better to drive up and down that mountain. UGH I would rather take Scott shoe shopping....and that is saying a lot.

Poooor Henry...last time I really touched him and then he jetted as soon as he saw Sandy :(
Ohh and a new frig can help with the funk too...:) New Samsung black frig...yay me!