Saturday, April 28, 2007

He shouldn't be our last resort!

John 14:14 'If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.'

A man asked help from his brothers, and they had no time. He turned to his children, and they had too many other things to do. He tried his friends, but they were all away. Feeling lonely and alone, he knelt down and prayed. Why is it that we turn to God only after all our other options are closed? God has promised to give us the desires of our hearts, and yet we seek them in a hundred other places. We need to make God our first choice, not our last. Keep the Lord first in you heart, first in your mind, and first in all you do and say. You'll be amazed what it can do for you!

He should NEVER be a last resort...always our first stop!

I do a devotion thread on a group I am a member of. It has pushed me to do devotions even more knowing that people are relying on me and that maybe one person may be affected spiritually by this.

I really had a hard time yesterday, I know I am pmsing...but my desire for a child sometimes just makes me lose my mind...and I am ashamed to say my faith sometimes. If I had such strong faith, why was I sitting here crying and frustrated...and frustrated is a horrible place to be. I don't like that word at all. I looked up the definition a while back and here it make (plans, efforts, etc.) worthless or of no avail; defeat; nullify; to disappoint or thwart; to make INVALID or INEFFECTUAL! GRR I sat here yesterday calling our new insurance to see what fertility treatments are covered. NONE. I sat here angry, hurt, and my first act should have been to fall to my knees and ask God to make a way, but I had to have a pity party and it took all day and all evening to get to God. I admit I get angry at Him sometimes, because I don't understand why. I know there is a purpose, and most days I can accept that...but some days I just want to know. But my King is going to let me in on this on HIS time, he will deliver me from this valley that I live in, and one day I will know!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Death and memories

Funny how death of someone brings up so many memories of the past.

Today I went and picked up my mom and we went to services for my mothers cousins family. They lost Mary Clark...I think she was 90 or so. My mom talks about her frequently, she and her family was some of my moms favorite. One of the daughters in specific was Wanda. Mom and her have always been close. Mom calls her Sally Gooden...I will have to ask why :)

I woke this morning thinking about the family of Mary's that I knew. First person that popped into my mind was Cindy. Her and I are around the same age, but that was probably one of the few similarities. Cindy was tall, black hair dark eyes...beautiful. She was always right in style, she wore make up :), she listened to pop...she was a Duran Duran freak! Oh wow, that made me smile. She was smart, pretty and popular in school...I got good grades too but she was really smart. I was the pudgy, not the most popular but I was liked. Cindy would have her friends over and she would never make me feel left out. I always admired her, and how she stood up to people and she stuck to her beliefs. We lived pretty close together, she has a little sister...Janet. I didn't have a little sister, but I had Misti and sometimes we would go walking and take them with us...I have pictures somewhere of her with Janet on her shoulders and me with Misti on mine. Now that I think about it...that picture looks so much like Lily.

Cindy had goals and plans and as far as I know she did them all. She lives in Georgia I think, Atlanta or close to it. THOUGH...she told me she didn't want children...she had brothers and Janet and they drove her nuts :). I told her I wanted 4...haha. Memories. I saw her today, could tell her heart was broken about her grandmother. She is still so beautiful, she has a very handsome husband and a few months ago I was shocked to hear she was pregnant...and today she told me she has a baby. I really am so happy for her. Before she told me about her baby, she asked..."Hope, so how many babies do you have?" I could hear in my head me telling her..."I want 4" and I just felt the tears well up as I said none. I choked them back, tried my best not to let them spill over my eye lid and ruin my make up. She hugged me tight, I told her I loved her and was so sorry for her loss. She told me she loved me too, and I know she meant it. I really would love to sit and just catch up with her, but I know this is really a family time and hope that in the near future we can catch up.

Another person died around the same time. Chuck Boone. He was a good friend of Johnny's. They played music together for a long time, our families were close for a long time too. But, kids grow up, and things change. Johnny and him weren't as close either. I remember him fondly...except for making him stop forwarding me dirty jokes :). I called him Bucket Mouth of the South...he was on the CB radio a lot and had a realllly deep voice. He called me Bucket Mouth number 2! I am so sorry for the loss, he was such a character. My mom cooked and sent them food last night and they are going to the receiving of friends tonight.

I don't want to ever be in the position of being the grieving family again, doing it with Mark and our grandparents was enough. I wish sometimes the Lord would just come on back and keep me from that, and end this pain of my childless life. I can't even entertain the foster/adoption route right now. Mom will be living with me for a long while after her surgery and all we have are 2 bedrooms. i can't tell mom that, she would feel like she was imposing. She isn't at all, God has a plan Hope...remember that!

Monday, April 23, 2007

How do we say goodbye?

Today I really feel like Luc is hurting and that maybe it is time. How do we do this, but how can we let him live in pain. I gave him an aspirin and hope that he does better today. He doesn't cry out in pain but if he can't get up and can't has to be painful to do so. He has been such a great dog. This big ole dog has been inside most of his life. There were times when my parents took care of him and unless the weather was really bad he was outside. He loved it either way.

He was given to me by Dixie, Susie's sister. He has been like a child to us. When I would get that negative result on a pregnancy was like he knew I was hurting and would come and lay his head in my lap. He has always been well behaved, never chewed up a thing, would let kids ride him and romp all over him. He was just 5-6 weeks old when we got him, black and white...which rapidly turned to this most beautiful grey and white. We kept him shaved a lot and he looked so funny that way. But, it was cool and much easier to manage.

He went with us to the beach this last time and we think the spray they used in the apartment made him sick, so he came home to my parents. They took great care of him, but they don't brush him and he got all matted up and looked so pitiful. So yesterday we decided the weather was warm enough and it was time to bring him home. He was getting up slow, but he was up and knew what was going on. He was so excited and after 3 long hours and a bath, we were in the car coming home. We get her and he can't get out of the car...he tried and couldn't stand up. So Scott carried him to the front yard. Sandy came out and was really good with him. He perked up and played a little with her and then laid down. He really hasn't walked much since. Scott carried him into the house and we wrapped him up in a towel. I thought maybe he is just getting chilled from the lack of hair and all the excitement. He laid there for a long time and then moved a little...I thought getting comfy, but then Sandy freaked out and started barking. Scott went to take her out and she kept looking back at Luc and so Scott uncovered him to find he had peed a river...he must not could have gotten up. :( Scott carried him outside and he couldn't walk, so Scott got a blanket and put him on it and covered him up with it too and he stayed there all night.

This morning I didn't want to go out there, I was so afraid to find him dead. I woke off and on to hear him bark and was comforted by that. Scott came in and said he had moved somehow to the other side of the yard and that to brought me relief.

I called my mom and she said to give him an aspirin, so I have and hope that he will feel better today. If not, we will go to the vet tomorrow. He had an appetite and drank, so that is good. I guess we will see, but I know that it is close to saying goodbye. We got him in March 1992. He was 15 years this year...the vet can't believe he has lived this long. Old English Sheepdogs don't live that long normally. So we are so blessed. But, that doesn't ease the sting of losing him. I just have to cling to our memories and our 'family' pic...will have to post that.


Monday, April 16, 2007

Family weekend!

We had such a great time with all of our family. Scott's brother came by and I don't think he knew what to think! He had been to a few dinners and things but this was the real thing, music, tons of family, food and just plain ole country folk. I would have to think anyone on the outside looking in would be envious of how special our families are. Though we don't get together enough...when we do, there is such a ease about it. I am so blessed with my wonderful family. Next time there will be a BIG photo of everyone...didn't have the room inside the house and it was raining.

There are pictures here: Much easier to post them there and not make this blog so huge :) That is the plan anyways.

I made mom a blog as well, her link is on the side. She has read it and I think everything that is there before the doctors visit. She is so touched to know that people are thinking of her and praying for her. I have gotten a few emails I think I will post there too.

Monday, April 09, 2007


Easter was beautiful...COLD, but beautiful. We went to Myrtle Beach to spend it with our bestest friends Burt, Leslie and Colin. They invited us to stay at their house, and it was wonderful. Colin has grown so much and is running all around. He is so playful and happy.

I was apprehensive about leaving, but felt this would be the only chance for a long while to get away for a few days and I was really needing the comfort of my friends. When we decided to move home, I was excited to rejuvenate the relationships with family and friends. It hasn't been exactly as I had thought in some areas. I have really made a new start with Lisa and feel so close to her again. She really is a constant and I know if I need to talk or just get out I can call her and she would be there.

But when we got to Myrtle Beach it was as if we hadn't been apart for months...that is how friendship should be and I am so blessed to have Leslie as that friend...that forever kinda friend. She and Burt both opened up their home to us and shared the holiday so openly with Colin...they make us feel like we are a part of their family. It was hard to leave.

Just had a bath...he is such a happy baby, and she is such a great happy mommy. Scott and I were laying in bed hearing Leslie come get Colin when he cried at night. We both shared the same thought, they are such great parents and we are so glad we have them to learn from. Colin is so smart, he loves to be read to and it was so neat to see him pick up Scott's book and flip the pages - not ripping one! Most children his age would just tear that book to shreds...but Leslie and Burt read to him all the time - he knows how to handle a book :) Ohh and ain't Leslie beautiful!!

Colin saying Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooopie :)

So funny watching him plop the eggs in the cups of color, he would laugh so hard every time.

This was just before we were leaving...but he was this happy all weekend, he has the cutest toothy grin!

We were watching Scott load the car and he got all serious ... sniffles... I miss him already!

Leslie had just gotten him out of his crib and I was doing something so she handed him to Scott and he hugged all up on him...Scott loves this little boy so much!

Just looks like him and his awesome blue eyes are up to something!!

Colin is so smart, he just talks all kind of words it seems and he is a little mocking bird. He loves to point at your eyes and say eyes...nose. And he knows where BOOBIES are haha. He bout showed us all Leslies :)

We went to our church, and it felt like home. We went to Sunday School and nothing had really changed, everyone was there pretty much. Then went down for the service and there was my choir...singing pretty dang good without me. There was Doug with his amazing voice causing a hush over the crowd as he sang. Lance and Jennifer sang a song that was so pretty. Then there came my pastor who I think is one of the best preachers I have ever heard. They had a baptism service after the regular service and then the Easter Parade...parade of children in their new Easter outfits...sooooo cute. Greg Thompson our youth leader has moved to a different church, his presence will be missed for a while I am sure. He is so charismatic and full of God that he grabs your attention. I hate I didn't get to see Julie, Doug's wife...she is so sweet and I miss her so much. She and I were choir buddies and we kept each other on track when we weren't laughing and cutting up. Leave it to me to sit by the choir directors wife...SHE got me in trouble all the time *wink*.

Easter is hard, just like any holiday that is family oriented. Many times I sat in silence letting the tears roll down my face hoping no one saw. I wonder if my day will ever come that I will get to dress my child for Easter. I want to make that Easter Basket and see their eyes light up when we dye eggs. *SIGH* same story different day huh? I betcha get tired of hearing me pout.

Scott did nurse a kidney infection or possible stone this weekend. So we tried a little of everything then was suggested to have him drink a husband...drinking a beer...HAHAHA I never seen it and never thought I would...but, here is the proof!
He was so grossed out and his eyes were glassy and red from one bear...he is such a light weight haha.

We did walk on the beach before we left for home, was over cast with a cold wind.

Us at the beach...Scott is so cheesey when he smiles haha

We stopped to eat at Planet Hollywood and had my fav...Capt'n Crunch chicken fingers...YUMMMMMY

The drive home was crazy. We got stuck at the railroad tracks, then we stop so Scott can potty and I was fine, but not more than 20 minutes down the road I had to peeeee like crazy. I made Scott swerve through two lanes of traffic to get off the first exit. We get back on and there had been a horrible accident on interstate that if we had not stopped to let me pee we woulda probably been in that wreck. God can even make a girl pee huh?

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Mamma update

Yesterday, I went to the hospital and brought her home with me!

The pneumonia is too significant to go ahead with the heart surgery. So, for at least 2 weeks she is staying with me while she recoups from that. It was a great nights sleep knowing she was here and sleeping with Scott..(me not her :) )

She walked outside a bit yesterday and mostly has rested. Daddy is gone to get her clothes and books and such. I love having her here.

We are going to the beach this weekend and I know mom and dad will enjoy some alone time. We need a break from life here for a few days. The rain it pours thing is so true.

OK...this one is a short one in comparison!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

She went and done it!

She has a broken heart.

Well, today in a cold dim room...I walked in to see my sweet little mom laying on this table with a movie playing above her head. A nurse was bearing down holding pressure on her groin. That was my first clue. Either this went really well or really bad. See, after a cath...if there is NOTHING wrong, they pull the sheath and hold pressure. If after the cath there is something a stent or angioplasty will help...they leave the catheter in and talk to the family then do the stent or angioplasty the same day. If after a cath there are major blockages that stents or angioplasty won't fix...they pull the catheter and hold pressure. So I knew..., but I knew :( I knew for months that something wasn't right. She wouldn't go to the doctors. She said it was just she was tired, or the atrial fib. But my mom never stops, she has stopped a lot the last few months.

I look down at her, and she started to talk and I stopped her. I said mom, I want the doctor to tell me. Then ... I made the mistake of looking up at the 'movie' playing. It was of the dye running through her heart. You could see major areas where blood was barely if at all going through the artery.

About that time, a little man...looked like Screech from .... dang it what was the tv show??? Anyways, he wasn't Dr. Hearon who we adore...but he was very nice and he said..."Well, the good news is her heart is strong, there is no sign of damage from a heart attack. The bad news is she has at the LEAST 4 major blockages that need to be fixed - OPEN HEART SURGERY!" I held my tears back and listened patiently. I had been in the room when Dr. Hearon had explained open heart and the necessity of it many times. This doctor was very brief and turned around and said the surgeon would come see us shortly. Scott, Daddy and I kissed mom and walked out and I kinda lost it in the hall. As Little John had put it so many years ago.."Maw Maw you look just like Wonder Woman!" She has been my wonder woman. When life is crazy she is like an old light house in the middle of stormy seas, she is my constant. I couldn't help but take a glimpse into the future without you...and I didn't like it. Sure...I was 50 pounds lighter *SMILES*, but no one prays for me like her. No one else is my mom. I know the natural thing is for parents to go before the children, but I am not ready for this at all.

She promised to spoil my children, why God haven't you let me have a child to learn from my mom, to hear her sing, to hear her pray and ohh God to feel her love.

I really think she will be fine and I am being overly dramatic and worried. She is one of those women that seem invincible.

I know what open heart is like. I have removed the staples from peoples chests where the doctor had carefully cut through the tissue to the breast bone - then using a saw...cuts through the bones of the chest. I have removed the stitches from their legs where the same surgeon removed veins from the leg to sew into the heart. Sometimes the legs are more troublesome than the chest.

She will do fine, she will come home and she will spoil my child.

I love her.