Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Life with the folks

I have to say I am so blessed to have such great parents. I don't know many people that would want their parents living with them in a small house with their husband haha. But it has/is such a great experience. I have enjoyed them being here so much. I know mom really wants to get into her own space, I think some of it has to do with she thinks she is being an imposition. She couldn't be more wrong. If for the fact that I get to pay her back for all the things she has done for me, not that this in anyway even skims the top!

When anyone is sick or someone dies or if she just knows someone needs a pick me goes out of her way to invite them to dinner, take them food, call them, send them a card...something. The bad thing about she kind of thought her family and friends and church family would step up and do the same. No one has done that. Well, Todd and Lisa have brought things by here and there, and come by almost every day and do call every day. And Lena my mother in law brought her dinner. Awesome dinner! She even got flowers and a bear and cards from people that don't even know her! Those were my friends online. Today she told me her feelings were hurt a little. I tried to explain to her that everyone isn't like her. I am disappointed as well, but more so for her. Funny, if I cook family sure comes. I have made it known that everyone can come anytime call or not, but unless I call and invite for dinner or a meal not many come. I love cooking for people though, I guess I get that from mom.

It is sad, mom had such a hard time and we all expected her family and friends and church to rally around her. That was maybe done to an extent. I guess it is like when someone dies, immediately there are tons of people around and almost as immediate after the funeral all that stops. Her surgery and while she was at the hospital some people came, but since she has been home it has really been few and far between. Sunday she got up and took her shower saying this is the day I think people will come see me, so I better get dressed and smelling good. I helped her shower and dried her hair and got her dressed. Daddy got home and I left for the mountain, thinking mom would have those visitors. I got home around 6 and asked her who came to see her. No one. :( It was just so sad. She cares about and loves people so much and I hate they are letting her down. I try to make her feel like they maybe don't want to come here and intrude, and that the gas situation is stopping people from coming. She says your right and smiles her sweet smile (toothless on top right now) and goes back to her room.

I have posted some pictures on the picture site, We had a get together recently on the mountain and a couple of Todd's big thing in Spruce Pine. It was so cute, he had fans....and a little one too.

I wish we could get Marty's house now so Mom and Dad could just stay here and let Todd have the house. I would love to know they are visited everyday by family and be able to take care of them. I love cooking for is funny to hear mom say wow...I didn't know you could do that. And DADDY! Ohh goodness he cooks breakfast for her every day and sometimes for me too.

I lost a good friend yesterday, not to death, just loss of trust. It is hard to lose a friend to death, I have lost Jodi and every day it hurts, but I know she loved me, I know she knew I loved her. We knew that the other would be there and would defend the other in any situation. To lose a friend otherwise is sad and harder to get over I think. I hope I made the right decision. I forgive her and still love her....and I will miss her.

I miss Leslie so much. It is hard to call, she has so much going on with Colin, work and church...then there is her other child Burt :) HAHA just kidding. It isn't like while I was there we could really talk and though I cherish the calls, I can't wait to sit down and spend time with her and Colin and Burt too. They are getting ready to leave to go to Saint Barthes...I have lost a few pounds I think I could fit in her suitcase. I can't wait to see the pics and hear the stories. OOO I hope they do a video this year HAHHA...Christmas video was classic.

Well see...just talking about Leslie and Burt and Colin has already lifted my mood, smilin again! I need to email Miss Leslie and tell her I want some new pics of Colin and them...or I will just have to come down and get them myself.

OK...gotta do mention of a baby this post...hmm guess I already had that discussion today with mom. Ok, dishes will wait a few minutes. The news story about the mother hanging her children and herself in the closet came on while we were sitting in the living room. I cry every time I see a child murdered or let die. Why not let me have that child Lord? I don't understand. Mom said I know you hurt honey, but God has a plan. I have to bite my tongue sometimes, I know that is true, but whew...I would love to be in on this plan. I said mom, this pain why does He let it go on, how merciless is it to let someone be in Pain for 15 years. At least when someone loses a child or parent or friend...the pain eases, I know we don't forget and maybe the pain comes back sometimes. If someone is sick or hurt, that pain will get eased with a variety of things. But when someone can't have a child...there is only one cure for that pain. A vicoden, anti pill makes that ease. Time - just makes that pain more intense...because time runs out! If I had had a hysterectomy or just knew 100% that a child was not ever ever gonna happen...that to me would be less pain as well. It is so hard every month thinking...ok Lord, you promised me my heart's this the month?

It is hard to have faith, complete trust, peace when my God has let that pain go on and on and on. But....I do. It wavers at times, but I do have that faith and trust. Peace...not so much.

I thought we were on the move to foster care or adoption...but He put up road blocks so I don't know if that is the path or not. I guess God will let me in on the plan on His time. Dishes are callin, and that means I get to listen to some good music :)

Monday, May 21, 2007

Long post.

I have just been so busy with mom and all that has been going on that I really haven't had time to think...much less post.

I haven't thought about trying to have a baby really, having a baby...yes. During all of this I was so afraid that my child will never meet mom. That was the hardest thing to think about. I saw mom ooooing and ahhhing over Illan before and after the surgery, and I can't help but be sad that my baby may never know that love. I don't know why having/adopting a baby keeps getting put off. Right now, I can't start any kind of process of adopting or foster care. Making love is difficult with my parents in the house. So, I guess this is a break...on all fronts. As difficult it is to think about not having a child, I know God wants me to be taking care of my mom right now. I wouldn't want to be or do anything else.

She is the most important woman in my life, she has given so much to me, to family and if I can in any way start to repay her...that is what I want. I love them being here. I love to have her depend on me and knowing she can count on me. She needs me and has always been there for me, so I am finally able to give back.

I love her...period!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Mother's Day..

I don't know how to celebrate tomorrow. Mother's day is usually hard for me...I feel so happy on one hand that I am blessed to have such a wonderful mother...but I am so sad that I haven't been the one to be celebrated. I rarely can sit through a Mother's Day sermon at church, I think my mom understands.

But, this Mother's Day is doubly painful. I am still not a mother, and my mother isn't here. Her body is laying in a bed in ICU at the hospital...but her mind isn't there. Her heart isn't there. I don't think I can even go see her on Mother's Day. It is too painful to walk in there and hear what she is saying. I could take that...but every time I walk in her heart rate jumps up, she starts breathing fast...she is so agitated. I don't want to make anything worse on her and if me going in there makes things worse...I think I will go and just sit out in the waiting area and see how everyone does when she goes in. Todd and Daddy are going in the morning, I hope she is in a better frame of mind and doesn't talk bad to daddy.

On another note...I don't know how to thank Todd and Lisa for all they have done for me through this all. Todd calls me every day, not to just ask about Mom, but to ask about ME. He mowed my grass and weed eated. Lisa has been there for me like no one else. She loves mom as much as if she was her own mother. Lisa made me come home, she stayed there for me and would call to let me know how mom was. I am so blessed to have them as my family. Others have called and such, but they really have shown me how much they care. So if you see this Lisa...I LOVE YOU and am so happy we are close again and so thankful you are there for me.

I got home tonight, seemed like the worse day of my life and I walk in...we open the door for Sandy to go out and there is a box. It is from Jennifer, a friend online...she is so precious. She was so kind and thoughtful to do this. Just when I hit the bottom...a friend indeed was there.

I don't know how tomorrow will go....all I know is I miss my mom, I miss her soft touch and her warmth and love...I miss her singing softly while she cooks, I miss her praying over me, I miss her....I miss her :(