Sunday, September 16, 2007

Even in the Valley...

High upon this mountain - the sun is shining bright
My heart is filled with gladness here above the cares of life
But I've just come through the valley of trouble, fear and pain
It was there I came to know my God enough to stand and say

Even in the valley - God is good
Even in the valley - He is faithful and true
He carries his children through - like He said He would
Even in the valley - God is good

The road of life has lead you to a valley of defeat
You wonder if the Father has heard your desperate plea
But there is hope in the rugged place where tears of sorrow dwell
Can't you hear Him gently whispering "I am hear and all is well"

I want to hear Him whispering, I sit quietly sometimes turning off everything and close my eyes waiting to hear that this trial is almost over. I haven't heard those words, but tonight after a long few hours of a pity party...I sat quietly praying and a feeling of it won't be long settled over me and it is like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I pray that this is something real and not just my wishful thinking.

I am so blessed, I know this...I know that God has overwhelmingly blessed me with friends and family and Scott, sometimes I feel selfish asking for more.

My heart is so heavy for so many reasons. I go back to the doctor on the 25th and I guess we will see what is next. The pain in my leg, the numbness is still there. Maybe not as intense as before but I am on drugs :) I keep hearing the doctors warning...the nerve may be damaged permanently...if so I guess this is something I may have to live with. I am just praying for His will and I pray it is complete healing.

The baby bug is biting again too, kind of funny since we can't even make love right now. I think that losing a little weight has helped my cycles as they have been more normal since the surgeries. I think I even had ovulation pains last month. It was about 18 days into my cycle and 14 days later my period started...who knows.

Little Tom called and we talked for a long time, he sent me pictures of my great neice. She is beautiful. I pray that mom, dad, Tommy and I will be able to drive out to see them before Christmas. I am working on a family album for him with pictures of everyone. He has texted me a few times and Brad, Cara and Lisa have talked to him too. His mom Annie called too and that really touched my heart so much. I loved her so much and miss her.

Mom is feeling much better, she spent a few days in the hospital but is home doing fine now. She was more worried about me than herself. Lisa and Cara came and stayed two days, got to see Illan...he is growing sooo much. Lena brought Caleb and they stayed one day. I tried to tell mom that I will be fine this week, but she insists on coming to stay with me. Mom is so awesome, she gives the best advice and has such a loving heart. I feel so honored when people say I remind them of her. I remember when I was younger I said I will never be like her...and now I am how time changes. I had to look at her through God's eyes and I saw an angel.

Monday, September 10, 2007 real....

you wake up and can feel it, smell it...still see it and almost feel it was real.

I dreamed last night...I don't usually remember my dreams especially when I am on pain medications.

In my dream, I lived in my uncle Wilson's old house. I don't know why...but that is where I came home to. Scott was away somewhere, it was like a week before he came home. I went to the hospital and gave birth to a baby boy. No one was there with me, I couldn't get anyone even Scott on the phone. I looked at this tiny 5 pound baby boy and had to give them a name right then, they couldn't wait for Scott to call or come. So I named him Henry John Alexander Lail. I know...Henry huh? My dads middle name is Henry. It was the next morning and I was ready to go home, but I didn't have a car seat, no clothes nothing. So, I ran out and bought one and some clothes and bottles and formula and then came back and picked up my bundle. I brought him home to Wilson's house. My best friend Leslie came to my house with Colin and she brought me pants lol. We talked and she gave me a baby shower from my old church and friends in Myrtle Beach. I loved showing him to people, I remember Scott coming home and I fussed at him for not being there. But then seeing him hold our baby was all it took to take away the anger. Todd stayed with me that week while Scott was gone, he put me a dishwasher in saying I needed to be able to sterilize those bottles and such.

I remember mom coming by once in the dream, but never daddy. Burt was always working, never got to see him, but Leslie was with me all the time it seemed. The last thing I remember was Leslie helping me give him a bath, then me holding him so close, smelling the baby smells...when I woke up this morning...I tried to hold my eyes tightly closed trying not to lose that moment...I could still smell the baby shampoo, I could still feel the soft towel with him in it in my arms....Ohh I didn't want to let go....still now I am holding my eyes tight trying to get that feeling back. I have been in my own little world all morning...trying to remember every detail of that dream....I don't know how I can let it go....even the pain in my back and legs aren't distracting me. I opened email and there were pictures of a friends baby...and that just made the pictures in my dream flood back in.

This is the second time I have dreamed this dream....not all the same, but the same intensity of when I woke up, the same day full of hugging pillows, closing my eyes trying to make myself sleep to dream of him again. It didn't work last the next day the dream was distant and the pain of my empty arms eased. Right now though, these empty arms make the pain....all the pain I have had this last month in my back pale in comparison.

I don't know why God would let me dream like this, letting me wake up with empty arms. I hope, I pray that maybe He let me dream of something soon to come. I have to hold on to that anything else would be cruel. My God is not a cruel God.

Dear Lord, please let this dream come true, forgive me of anything in my life that might hinder this prayer. God, You alone are the miracle maker, You can make my dream come true, You can help me make Scott a father. Dear Lord, please touch my womb, heal my ovaries, make it so that we can be fruitful and raise a child that loves You and will live in Your light, Lord I promise if You give us a child we will give him back to You to do Your will and be a light in this world of darkness. Sweet Savior, please bless Leslie with an easy healthy pregnancy. She loves You, she serves You, her children will be brought up knowing You. She is precious Lord, she loves me and has been the friend you have sent to be there, to talk to, to share YOU with. Dear Lord, Michelle just had Lilliana and she is so sweet, keep her healthy and take care of Michelle as she heals from the delivery and as she discovers all the wonders of being a new mother. Kari Lord, You know her well, she is one of Yours, she has the same desire as I do, give her that wish Lord, Her and her husband Rich have recommitted to each other and to You, I pray Your will is giving them this child. Please put a hedge of Angels around Jami and CJ, he is out of town for almost a month and she is home alone with the twins and her older 2 children. Keep them all safe, give them peace and let these days go by so fast. Be with Shannon as she plans her wedding, her and Steve deserve every happiness. Dear Lord, Laura just got the suprise of her life with finding out she is pregnant again. Be with this pregnancy and give her every joy of motherhood once again. Be with Christina and Josh and their baby girl as they travel to Florida, give them safety and let them have fun. Be with Jennifer as they finish this house to sell, let it sell fast and with the profit they need. Carla has been sick for so long, please give her doctors discernment to fix what is wrong and to do it swiftly. Dear Lord, she is trying to have a baby as well, answer her prayers and make her dream a reality, and if it is Your will Lord, bring her home to the states to her family. Ohh Dear Lord my dear friend DeeDee has her hands full with the twins, and her husbands constant pain. Let the doctors fix his neck and help them with their finances, I know that You can do all of this for them. Robyn is about to go through IVF again, during the stress of buying and redoing the house. Give her peace and let this baby stick. My family Lord, there is so much I could pray for for my family. Little Tom called and he had to have a kidney removed, please keep him and Anjel safe and healthy. Give us the time and finances to go out and visit him with mom and dad. Maybe Tommy will even go. Take care of Scott as he drives so much, please Lord give him a job closer to home. He needs this Lord, his back is hurting so much and the driving is really making it worse. Please Lord, give him a closer job. Be with mom and dad, they are so faithful to You Lord, keep them safe and healthy in the palm of Your hand. Heal my back, give me relief and give me my life back. Direct us to a church, I long for that family feeling we had in Myrtle Beach, something close to that Lord, we need it for so many reasons. I ask all these things in Your precious name Jesus, Amen.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Time flies...when you're having a second surgery! read that right, second. On Friday August 24th, I picked up a computer cord that was on a box about knee high. I turned and walked 2 steps and POP....something popped, later found out it was the remainder of the disc rupturing. I cried out for Scott he came running, shaking when he got there and he basically carried me to the bed. I thought I could take pain meds and just sleep it off, the pain was the worse EVER. I cried all night - taking multiple pain pills and phenergan as I was so nauseated from the pain. I got out of bed Saturday morning and somehow took a shower and then made it to the ER after calling the ortho doc. I get there and I can't sit so they have to get a stretcher and wheel me that way into the ER.

I got so frustrated while in the ER. The ortho doc already said they would admit me, I told the ER doc that and he seemed to ignore me. He came in and said he would give me something for pain and send me home until I could have another MRI on Monday. I said WOAH...I can't even sit on a commode to pee...I can't walk, I can't lay...pain pills worked like tic tacs! I asked if he called the ortho and he said no, I took a deep breath and asked him to PLEASE call and about 5 minutes later they were coming in to put IV in and get me on a pain pump (Morphine) and get me up to a room. The morphine pump started every 20 minutes I could get meds....finally down to every 10 minutes. I couldn't pee...they put me on a bed pan and do you know how hard it is to lay down and pee??? I couldn't get a drop out so they put in a catheter...of course I had a male nurse that night...EEEK

Susie was such a God-send. She knew all the nurses on the floor and while I know they are great nurses and probably treat everyone great...they really went over board with me. I got such a great treatment while there, Catawba is my hospital of choice! The ortho doc came in and said the ER doc told him I wasn't having pain down my legs so he ordered a CT and x-ray...I said WHAT??? I told him everything I told the ER doc...pain down my leg was excruciating! He got as frustrated with the ER as I did...and then ordered an MRI with contrast. They did it and the disc had ruptured and I needed immediate surgery. Dr. Maxy had 13 surgeries on Monday...I didn't want to be on the 28th I had a second surgery. The excruciating pain was gone at first. I came home and it got worse. It has finally evened out...but I can't do anything alone. I have to use a walker to get anywhere. The doctor said I could NOT sit for more than 5 minutes, recline for more than 30 and to walk only as tolerated with the walker. So I am in bed for 30 days pretty much.

Mom stays here through the week and takes care of me...she has been so wonderful. She and Lisa bathed me when I got home....I can now take my own is rough but getting better. I hate being in bed, but I am not going to go against the doctor....I want to get better.

I have gotten so many calls, cards, packages and so many prayers going up for me. I get in the dumps easy, but I know it is because I am stuck in bed...but my family and friends have really been here for me. I am so blessed.

Scott is amazing...he has done things he probably never thought he would do. He cleaned up puke, bathed me, wiped me, changed much and never once complained.

Ooo it is late, gotta get to sleep...just wanted to update a little.