New Years Resolutions...

I resolved a few years back I wouldn't do them anymore....guess I broke that one ha!

But this year, Scott and I both decided that this is something we wanted to do. We are writing them down, reading them every day, putting every prayer and effort possible into keeping them.

Mine...

1. I resolve to check my book and send birthday cards/anniversary cards/everyday cards to those I love. I will do this on the first of every month, a reminder has been fixed on my computer so I won't have the excuse of 'oops I forgot'.

2. I resolve to be conscious of every bite I eat and every drink I drink Monday - Friday. My aunt has been doing this diet...well, not really a diet just behaving on the weekdays and splurging on the weekends. I will drink more water and less tea/soda. I will watch my sugar and those foods that make my sugar levels jump.

3. I will take my medications every day. I will keep my caddy full every Saturday and not use the excuse of we can't afford it this week. If a medicine is bothering me I will tell the doctor and get it changed.

4. I will make a budget and we will abide by it 100% in January and if we fail...we will seek professional help. With me not working a budget is essential! We will put no less than 50 dollars into savings each month and NOT touch it for any reason.

5. I will scan every picture I have and those that other family will allow me to. I will make albums for my brothers and my parents by the end of this year. I will take more pictures at family gatherings and each year send an album to Tommy in Colorado.

6. I will without fail begin each day with prayer, connecting with my Savior so my days will get better and better with His guidance. We will make every effort to find a 'Home' Church by July. I will start doing my daily devotions and sharing them on FC.

7. I will do one more year of temping, charting, minimal medications to have our child. During this year I will get my blood pressure, diabetes and pain levels under better control and hopefully lose enough weight to make a difference. If no baby by Christmas, we will pursue no more than 6 months worth of trying using more extreme medical intervention. If no baby we will intensely go down that road of adoption. Learning more starting now about adoption, get some of our ducks in a row so we can be prepared and maybe lessen the length of time it will take to bring a baby home that is born of our hearts.

8. I will be a better sister, daughter, daughter in law, aunt and friend. I will meddle less and listen and love more. Before offering my two cents, I will ask myself if it is coming from my heart...from a good place in my heart or if it is just something to get a rise out of the other person. I will love with less conditions, I will not let my relationships with one person effect my relationship with another.

9. I will sing more often, I will buy one soundtrack a month to increase my library and increase my opportunity to share my God given talent and His message with others.

10. I will make a schedule of things to do every week and do them. No matter the pain level I won't spend my days in bed unless it is totally unavoidable. I will not let pride keep me from letting people help, letting them in to my little world and help me do the things I can't.

11. I will finish my knitting and crocheting projects and have them ready for next Christmas. I will be more creative with it and learn as much as possible.

12. I will read this often, posting them on my frig and in my purse and on my blog. I am asking Scott and my friends to keep me accountable and journal about my successes and failures. I will realize a slip doesn't mean I can forget that certain resolution.

I am woman, I am a Christian woman and I can do anything through CHRIST who strengthens ME!

Poem

It’s sometimes very difficult for us to understand the wisdom and the love behind the things that God has planned.

But we wouldn’t have the rainbow if we didn’t have the rain; We wouldn’t know the pleasure if we never tasted pain.

We wouldn’t love the sunrise if we hadn’t felt the night; And we wouldn’t know our weakness if we hadn’t sensed God’s might.

We couldn’t have the springtime or the yellow daffodil if we hadn’t experienced the winter’s frosty chill.

And though the brilliant sunshine is something God has made. He knew too much could parch our souls so He created shade.

So God’s given us a balance: enough joys to keep us glad, enough tears to keep us humble, enough good to balance bad.

And if you’ll trust in Him you’ll see though yesterday brought sorrow, the clouds will part and dawn will bring a happier tomorrow.

author unknown

Happy Birthday Scooter!

40 years ago today - your mom gave birth the the other half of my heart and soul. She held that tiny ( ok not so tiny- 10+ pounds!) baby in her arms not knowing she held my forever love.

He is 40 today, wow...time flies when you're havin' fun! But, he isn't all smiles and he isn't sporting that lets have a party attitude. Tearfully he tells me that he is 40, he hates his job, he always thought 40 was old, he thought life would be different...but most of all he thought he would be a father by now. Don't get me wrong, he is thankful as well, he really is.

I had wanted to plan a blow out party with his brother, but the closer it got the more distant Chris has gotten. That isn't the only reason, I started planning a smaller party and could tell he wanted nothing to do with it really. So, today we are spending it together...his choice of dinner and then a movie. We are keeping it low key. Tomorrow is a Christmas dinner with the Walkers and there is almost always a cake for his birthday at that dinner.

Next month, I will be 39...my last year before 40. I look around at 18 year olds with families already...if not for Scott I would be that 40 year old spinster lady living alone. UGH!

This is our 18th birthday together, wooo hooo our relationship is a senior now haha.

Happy Birthday my love, you deserve every happiness...I wish I could give you the one you want most. I wish, I pray...does He hear me?

On a side note....AF is here and I am not surprised in the least.

Ahh the day after...

Having that after Christmas wind down...enjoying left overs and .... AHH QUIET! I can't wait to take all the decos down and get back to normal...well, as normal as my life is. I am glad it is all over really, but I can imagine how this day would be if we had a child in the next room trying to play with every toy, trying to eat every candy snack made...needless to say we wouldn't find today as relaxing as we do now. That being said, I would give up every second of snoozing I have done today, every bite of cold turkey, every minute of silence....I would give it up for crying for batteries, screaming for daddy or mommy to take him or her outside to play. I would give it all up for wrapping paper everywhere, toy boxes littering our floor, nap times missed and big hugs and thank you mommies all morning long.

My temps are still up, but I am trying not to get excited...just leaves me further to fall. So I am not taking one test until I am 3 days late....yeah right and I got a million bux in the bank too! haha....so predictable I can predict myself!

Happy day after!

Hope

Christmas Pictures!

This was our Christmas picture this year...all the rest of the holiday photos will be on the Picture Blog....((HUGS)) HERE ->http://ponspics.blogspot.com/

Christmas - 2007

Today was wonderful in so many ways. I am exhausted to say the least, I am not sure if I will even be able to do very much tomorrow. I took pain meds to get me through the day, but even those didn't do too much. But I wanted things to be pretty and comfy. Scott had to work most of the day so I was home to do what all had to be done to get ready. But...my white horse rode in and saved the day...he has a way about him. Brad is probably the closest that Scott and I will ever get to a son, he NEVER hesitates to come help me or us. I just love him so much.



Anyways, dinner time came and things were great. Daddy was sick, he ate something Sunday that has made him sick...has a migraine as well. He was so upset he couldn't come. He called and said that he loved me and was so sorry he couldn't be here. Then he said...I got your sock. I will post more about that later.



Brad comes back early, just wanna squeeze him. Then here comes Illan and his mommy and daddy - Randall and Cara. He is so cute, he steals your heart every time you see him. His lil cheeks were red, and his smile was huge. They brought some of moms food for her and then Mom and her friend Korey came. I had made a big ham and some appetizers and such. Ohh some killer punch, mmmm. Mom made turnips (EWWW), turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, salad, tea, ... she nearly brought the whole meal. Lisa and Todd came in next with mmm her potato salad!



TW, his wife Tammie and Briana brought in the rear. Junior and Joanne had something at church, Leon and Betty went to the beach to see David. Leon M. got sick and Travis was out on a call. So pretty much everyone that said they were coming showed up! Perfect amount either way, Those that were meant to be here...were here. Not saying I wasn't missing some people, because I was.

Everyone had a great meal, laughter and talking. Illan was the life of the party though he is such a cutie. He tries to say Hopie...his little lips will make the "O" shape...sooo flipping cute! I wanted to just kiss his little cheeks off. Todd is the cutest with him, I remember Todd and how he was with his kids but he is soooo cute with Illan. Everyone was being silly by the end of the night. I made cappichinos for everyone and by 10ish everyone was pretty much gone. Thankfully Cara, Brad and Kita stayed long enough to help me clean up a bit.

I basically fell into bed, took some more meds and went to sleep. I actually fell asleep typing this last night. Scott said I tossed and turned all night, crying out in pain every time. I remember tossing a lot...hate I kept him up.

We woke up this morning to get ready to go to Scott's parents and I just couldn't. As much as I hated it, I just couldn't handle the ride or even the getting ready. So he went, I stayed in bed...sleeping until almost 4! But, it helped I was able to get up and I did go to Brads house for a little dinner which was super nice. Mom and Dad were there, Corey, Cara, Randall and Illan. Kitas brother Tyler and her mom Miss Betty and another older lady I wanna say Kitas grandmother - not sure though. It was very nice and I was glad to see daddy, I would have went to see him at home if he hadn't been there.

Home now with a muscle relaxer kicking in soon I hope!

Yesterday and today were difficult, but the hustle and bustle yesterday kept me distracted. But, sadly it still wasn't enough. Very few gift exchanges really, but knowing if a child was here...the gift giving would be insane! I remember all the wonderful Christmas dinners at moms or our grandmothers and there were always so many gifts for all. But I kept all the tears at bay for each function and while it is never far from my mind...I even enjoyed the children.

Christmas was great as a whole, Leslie called and I heard Colin in the background. I spoke with Little Tom tonight too, and I hope his Christmas is blessed. I am sending him and Angel gifts this week. I am having several things printed and I wanted to make sure her name was spelled Angel or Anjel. I am making him/her a great picture album and also knitted them both scarves.

Well, am heading back to bed, I will upload pics either tonight or tomorrow.

Hope

Roman 5:3-5

3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.


It is so hard sometimes to keep the hope and then I am sent a verse like this.

Merry Christmas Eve - eve!

Just a thought...

In a little over a month Scott and I will be married 18 years. If we had had a child when we first tried (before our first wedding anniversary) our child would probably be a senior this year...at least a junior. We could potentially have been grandparents by now. :(

Just some things - through my eyes...

It just seems everywhere I look, someone is getting pregnant, is having a baby, has had a baby. Babies and pregnant women are just everywhere. Or is it me? I guess to a pregnant woman or a mother it isn't so apparent. I wear these glasses that filters life for me...and those glasses make anything baby related clear as a bell and some things that to most have nothing to do with a baby I can still make that association. People who have had little or no problems having a child, or really anyone not battling infertility can't wear my glasses, even if they tried...and many well-meaning family and friends have tried.

They have their own struggles I know, but when you are denied your hearts desire, that one thing that has left you incomplete it changes you. I am so different than I was 10 years ago -granted we all change, but infertility has changed me not just every day life. Wanting a certain job, car or whatever material thing can't even compare to the longing for a child. I am not saying that anyone elses desires are not valid, but it all comes back to how where I am skews my view of other things. And unless you are in this particular struggle you will never ever truly know these feelings. You can sympathize but it is empathy that really makes you know - you have to be here. This isn't coming out how I wanted I don't think...all sounded clearer in my head.

It is really hard to explain, especially to someone who hasn't been where I am. Some days, it comes easy - I have other things going on in my little world that distracts me from it on occasion. But, every day I wake up with it...knowing that I don't have to get up to feed my child or get them ready for school, every day those and similar thoughts run through my mind. I get up and do my normal things and something on TV or in a magazine stems a thought of my child - or lack thereof. Scott comes home and dinner for two, no patter of little feet running to hug his legs and welcome their daddy home. I open the mail - Christmas cards from friends and family - most with a family picture with their children. Will I ever send out cards with more than our animals and us in the family picture? I go to bed wrapped up in it...no worry about a storm scaring my child into the middle of our bed...maybe a cat, but not a child. I don't have a bedside monitor to fall asleep to the sounds of my child breathing and moving in their bed.

I know that being where I am makes me look at the world differently. Some people don't understand that, they take it as ignoring them or being rude or just being stand offish. Some days I just can't even bring myself to answer the phone or call out to anyone else - not because of them...because infertility makes me selfish with my life I guess. I want to keep my pain and suffering tightly gripped in my own hands, I want to keep it to myself...personal, so maybe no one else can even feel the tiniest bit sorry for me or feel an ounce of my own personal pain. (I guess posting a public blog might defeat that huh...not that many read it though...so all is safe). Other than a few friends who have been where I am, or are there with me right now...I keep my hell pretty secret. Maybe it isn't as much being selfish with my life as it is sort of protecting those I love. For instance - I have a friend...she is the closest person to me in my real every day life...closest and yet she lives 4 hours away :(. We have talked about my 'problem' many times and she gets it, while she hasn't had problems getting pregnant - she feared she would due to thyroid cancer treatments and such. Our time is precious together, we don't get to see each other much but the last thing I want to do is damper our time with my tearful, painful most life consuming issue. Trust me I could get talking about it and have us both crying. She has a son, a job, a husband, a baby on the way and so much family drama...sometimes we compare and sometimes hers is worse than mine and vice versa - believe that or not! I want us to laugh and make memories together, not have a pity party. I love her so much, and I know...I know she hurts for me....she is that kind of friend. I don't want to rain on our time and she has heard it all before....it never changes it seems. So maybe it is selflessness rather than selfishness....makes me feel a little better haha.

With some other family and friends though...it is self preserving that I don't talk about it with them. They say asinine things that infuriate me and while I know they really aren't trying to hurt me...it does, so for most that discussion is off the table completely.

Not sure where all of this came from. I just feel like sometimes people who don't get it just think I am so self involved. They don't see infertility as that big of a deal. Turn 39 and see how big it is when you really feel like the tick tock of your clock is going to burst your ear drums!

On another note, I think I am finally getting normal cycles. I lost a few pounds since all these surgeries and my cycle has been the most normal than it had in my entire life. It has varied by only 3 days in length - big deal when one month I would have my period every 14 days and then 3 months later go 13 months without one. All of this sounds great huh? Umm try making love with the issues I have going on with my back. If I were to get pregnant *rolling my eyes...almost giggled* this baby wouldn't be the result of a wonderful intimate time with my sweet dear husband....ugh, I won't even explain that haha...he will kill me!

So I have started charting again - being proactive can't hurt huh? I can say that when I didn't chart, didn't write anything down I was less stressed. Waking up every morning taking my temp before I even turn over, checking my cervical mucous, writing everything down, obsessing over every twinge and symptom....what was I thinking? I was thinking - I would do anything - beg, steal or borrow to have a child, I was thinking it will be all worth it for two lines on a pregnancy test, I was thinking if this was the month it would be a Christmas miracle and a wonderful present for Scott's 40th birthday. I was thinking if I don't try, I can't hope. I was thinking if God answered my prayer with a yes then next Christmas would be the best ever. I was thinking....mommy, I want to be called mommy.

Hi baby, today you are all I think about...not unlike most days. I know it is a little crazy to write to you and you are still just a dream or a prayer. I have wrote to you a lot, just not here. Your daddy doesn't even know that. Speaking of him, and I may be biased but he will be the best daddy ever. He will teach you so many things and share so many of the things he loves with you. Your daddy loves to fish, he got that from your great granpa I think. He will tell you stories of how they went fishing for flounder on the Outer Banks. But your Poppy, my daddy shared his love of fishing with me too...and with your daddy. I can't wait to take you to Santee fishing - I have so many pictures and memories of that lake to share with you. And don't tell your daddy, but I am a better fisherman than he is. I have more patience. I would go out all day with my dad fishing...probably not to fish as much as just to spend time with him. Your daddy is a computer whiz and I am sure he will show you all he knows. And in no time you can beat him at his own video games. I know you will love Christmas just like him, he will show you all the magic of Christmas...along with the main reason for the season - our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Your daddy is such a kid at Christmas - he would make our house a landing pad of lights if I let him. Your daddy loves loves loves to read, anything really but he loves sci-fi stuff. I love to read too, but it is all kinds of things...I hope you get that love from your mommy and daddy. Your daddy tries to sing...but don't let him...bless his heart. I try to sing too, I get that from your MeMaw Ruby and brothers. First thing your MeMaw will want to teach you is about Jesus, she loves Him as much as your mommy and daddy do. She will teach you to pray and sing Jesus loves me and Deep and Wide. I hope you learn to play the guitar like uncle Johnny or Uncle Todd - they are going to spoil you so much I believe. Your uncle Tommy is good at anything with his hands. Your Uncle Mark is in Heaven but he could play the piano like no one else and that boy was the jokester of the family - I will make sure you know all about him. Your MawMaw Lena she is going to teach you about anything crafty - but don't let her scare you about bugs and such ... she is so funny. She will teach you to cook and all sorts of things. Your PawPaw Herman..umm John will be so much fun, he is great with his hands and maybe will do some wood working with you. He is a big ole kid, don't tell him how much I love him though - he will get a big head. Oh did I mention your daddy loves to mess with cars...so much your daddy likes to do I am sure you will never be bored. I have dreamed about you so many times, most of the times you were a boy in my dreams....we have picked out Isaac if you are a boy and we keep going back and forth on a girls name...but it will be perfect. Your middle name will be a family name. I love you and want to feel you for real in my arms. You are all mine no matter if you were born of my womb or of my heart. There is so much family things you will enjoy and I can tell you this...I will be the best mommy ever to you. You are the desire of my heart, unlike some you weren't an 'oops', you weren't thought about one day and were in my belly the next. I have dreamed, wished, prayed, longed for you for over 16 years. The last 5 or so years we have even went to some extremes to bring you into our lives. I will cherish every kiss, every hug, every giggle or cry. Every sweet thing you do will be written down, every love note kept with your daddy's. I will kiss you every night and tell you I love you every day. My baby, you have been in our hearts for so long that when you are in our arms we may never want to let you go. I believe in you, not like the tooth fairy or Santa...I believe in you like I believe in God, in Jesus...I have never seen them but I have felt them - I know they are real...just like I know you are real. Your mommy loves you and can't wait to meet you...and you can take your time....I guess. I have waited this long, I guess this should be on your time huh? Your daddy loves you too, as much as I do...he tears up every time there is something that reminds him you are not here. Soon my baby, my precious child he will touch you and hold you and protect you. Soon. All my love, your Mommy.

I guess letters like this says I still have hope even when I feel hopeless.

SIGH

I just heard this...

"The only thing better than being a child at Christmas....is being a parent."

sigh is an understatement...:(

Merry Christmas

Friday night, my brother Johnny and I along with Barbara - a co-worker of Johnnys- sang at the tree lighting in Valdese. What was a beautiful warm-ish day quickly turned cold and breezey as soon as the sun went down. It was great to sing with him, Johnny has such a unique beautiful voice. We sang Silver Bells and White Christmas. Barbara sang lead while Johnny and I harmonized with her. It was fun!

Though Scott took pictures, none really were good...it was so dark and with the lights behind us it made us black and not visable really. But, here is the music.

ooops will have to upload them....will post them soon!

Thanks Kari...

for this 'poem'.

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.


~ Author Unknown ~

Random post

For those who sincerely believe in Jesus Christ as their Savior - this short, trouble filled life on Earth will be the closest thing to Hell we will ever experience ... but for those who don’t believe, this life will be the closest thing to Heaven . . .

I read that today and it gave me chills. I pray so hard for family and friends who can't say I am a sinner saved by grace. It breaks my heart that one day...and I feel that day will be sooooon, I will be in Heaven and will know they are not there. Life is so fleeting, how did this year go by so fast and 2008 is around the corner!!!

Every day is different, the level of pain is pretty consistent but I have started to learn how to sit...how to stand, how to even lay and the pain is still there but not as sharp and not tear-producing. It means I guess that I can tolerate most things, and to a point function a little better. Mondays and sometimes Tuesdays are better days - because my soul and heart are refreshed on Sunday and it carries over. But usually by Wednesday I am a big fat sad sack again looking at all the trials and physical/emotional/ pain I am dealing with. That sly devil sure knows my time schedule too...by Friday he has me spinning in circles sometimes.

Yesterday the pastor preached on Revelation 20:10 - And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever. AMEN AMEN AMEN...he has put me through enough and he deserves this and I hope for one minute I can look at him and go neener neener!

I am so tired, I don't know what to do other than to pray and to keep my eyes on Him. It is so hard though, every movement almost producing pain. I am tired of complaining, as much as some are tired of hearing about it. I have really tried not to even talk to people about it anymore...I know they are sick of it! People ask...how are you and I quickly say fine...they are well meaning I am sure but they REALLY don't wanna know!

Christmas is coming, I want to share it with our child...at this point by any means. I question if we will be able to adopt with my health as it is...who would want to give a child to someone like me???? Why is it when you are feeling as low as seemingly possible you think of all these things? My birthday is next month and I will be 39...yes, 39 and I am screaming inside...we have waited TOOO long, it is over we will never be parents....not only are we too old - oh my gosh how would I take care of a child when I can't take care of myself...which makes all this even worse because I want to know why God would allow this all to be on my plate. UGH...pity party over...pick your coats up at the door.

I know this is a mish mash of thoughts and feelings...woke up to that time of the month and it is just another reminder I am not a mother. I tried to bend over to pick up the dog and it isn't happening...SIGH.

OK, gotta get this day going...got to get my house ready for Christmas...dinner is here this year. I have to get all the rooms perfect - or close to it so I won't be so stressed that week before. I also need to send out some invites and call some people. Mom isn't up to doing it and the house there isn't ready sooooooo Hello me! I don't mind though, excited that Daddy's brother and his wife and family are wanting to participate!