Tuesday, October 27, 2009

waiting for our Ram

My friend Kari sent me this and I have read and re-read it. She is such a good friend, love her!

She said she was breathless while she read it, so was I. Being reminded that God was working good for me, brought me some peace. I lost sight of anything good.

We took a little ride (over 8 hours) on the Blue Ridge Parkway from Asheville to VA, and good started seeping in. Patchwork quilt of colors. There were beautiful views and up there on top of Mt. Mitchell I felt closer physically and spiritually to my sweet Savior.

We came home and things hadn't changed here, raining inside and out. Hard to believe God was in this place. Hurt everywhere.

Then, the prayers and words of comfort began to bring healing and peace. If you had asked me this time last week if I would be feeling any kind of healing and I would have adamantly said NO!! But, Gods time not my own.

Have I found forgiveness for her and what she did? NO! But, God says I have to. I was told by someone who knew her that she did have a baby, just a week later.

Another friend told me that maybe God brought me into his life to pray for him like a mother would for her son. And maybe He knew I would everyday, everyday.

I want to make her pay, I want to make her hurt like we have. I would really like to punch her in the face. I would LOVE to snatch every hair out of her head. That is my flesh talking.

All I can think about is him. My Isaac, who she calls Camdon. His little life will be so full of grief if she continues in the path she has chosen. I can't make it any worse. No matter what I do, he is not going to magically be handed over to Scott and I. Vengeance is His.

I have stopped praying for boils, I have started praying for her to find a different path - one that leads her to Jesus. He is the only way she will get peace and healing. I pray she loves him and Jacob and Mayson with a mothers heart. I pray she never has a desire to do drugs again. I pray that she never finds the strength to carry on such an evil thing for 6 months like she did with us. I pray God lays it on her heart to tell us the why's and the I'm sorries.

This devotion touched me and Scott. It gave me more breath than it took. While I don't know what is coming up the other side of the mountain, I know my God will mend Scott and I. We are stronger in our relationship than ever - I never knew we could love each other more.

Know that we are healing and it is because you lifted us up in prayer and He heard them.

"So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, 'On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided.'" Genesis 22:14 (NIV)

Have you ever been in a situation so desperate that it looked hopeless?Have you ever sat at the kitchen table wondering how you were going to pay the electric bill? Have you ever stood at a door that's been slammed in your face by an angry teenager and despaired at ever having a relationship with him again? Have you ever had your heart broken so deeply that you wondered if you would ever feel whole again?

Sadly, we live in a broken world where desperate situations happen every day. I know someone reading this devotion is wondering how she will make it through the day because her situation looks hopeless. If that is you, I encourage you to keep reading. I believe God has a message of hope for you today's message is found in the Bible, in the story of a man who was dealing with his own desperate situation.

His name was Abraham and he faced the greatest testing of his life. After longing for a son for many years, God finally gave Abraham a boy, whom he named Isaac. Abraham never imagined God would test his faith by asking him to sacrifice his son. But it happened t had to have been the darkest day of Abraham's life as he trudged up the mountain, with firewood strapped to his son's back.

Every step took Abraham closer to what he believed to be the sad ending of a hopeless situation – the death of his son. Yet in spite of his sorrow, Abraham trusted God. His heart wasn't soaring with joy. He wasn't dancing up the mountain. But he put one foot in front of the other. Walking through the darkness of the situation; obeying His God's commands.

Unbeknownst to Abraham, something else was walking up that mountain. Quietly. Out of sight. On the other side of the mountain. Something else was putting one foot in front of the other. Only Abraham couldn't see it. For every step Abraham took, a ram on the other side of the mountain took a step .

All Abraham saw that day was his solitary journey of pain. As he got closer to the top of the mountain, his dread must have increased. I wonder if he asked himself any questions. I would have. I would have wondered why hadn't God intervened? Why hadn't God stopped this testing? Couldn't God see that Abraham was a man of faith? Why test him in this way?

But there was no answer. There was no voice from heaven. And so Abraham kept obeying his God's command. He put Isaac on an altar and prepared to sacrifice his one and only son. And just at that very moment, at the very last second, when it looked like the end had come, God spoke, stopping the sacrifice. Abraham looked up and there caught in the thicket was a ram. Abraham took his son off the altar, replaced him with the ram, and offered the sacrifice to God.

Abraham named that place "Yahweh-Yireh" or "The Lord Will Provide." And the story was written down for generations of God-followers to read. It was written so that you and I today would read it as we face our own hopeless situations. It was captured in print so that you and I would know that God is already planning for our provision. We don't see it. We don't hear it. But we can trust that our God is at work. On your behalf, and on mine. I choose to trust God today. A ram is on the way.

Dear Lord, You know how desperate I am today. You know that my faith has wavered. Although I want to trust You, I'm having trouble doing so. I ask for Your intervention in my situation, and for an increase of my faith while I wait. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Real or no real?

Don't feel like you are wrong for mourning the loss of a baby that might not have ever existed. You loved him and now he is gone. That is a real loss.

A friend sent me this just a few minutes ago. I have been struggling with this. How to respond to some who think this is not a big deal and we should just move on. Some close friends, some family...I have just withdrawn from to a point; and not giving many the opportunity to love us through this, be there for us...just in case they are one of those who make this pain seem trivial.

I sent an email to my niece Misti, who has really been there for me and feels our pain.

Here is part of it...
I just wanted to say thanks for the calls. I don't know how to talk about it to family. Anyone really. For the most part, people have been supportive and understanding. But, there have been a few who have been a bit insensitive. A few people, who have not called, emailed, came by nothing. I don't know what hurts more.

Some I know think of this loss as a death. That is unequivocally how we feel. He should be 4 days old, laying in his daddy's arms. I should be exhausted from all that comes with being a new mom - not exhausted from tears and sadness. My phone should be exploding from all the pictures and messages and phone calls. He was real. No matter what Rebecca may have done, if she was really pregnant or not...Isaac was really in our hearts, our lives. He has a room, he has stuff, he was real. Maybe not in IL, but in NC he was real.

I don't know how to heal from it. I can't have a funeral. I can't go visit a grave.

I felt like a mom, everything in me was prepared. Heart, soul, body...every ounce of me screamed MOMMY! I pictured in my mind future things that a mommy would plan. His first Halloween. We ordered him a Superman costume. It was a surprise for Scott. Super hero freak he is - I knew he would love it. I planned for only mom and dad, John and Lena being here the day we came home from IL. I wanted them to be the first to hold, love on and spend time with their long awaited grand baby.

I had planned the dedication service down to the music. I wanted to have it at Gilboa, late afternoon with all sorts of candles. Yellow roses, lilies and babies breath filling the whole church with their sweet fragrance. Daddy already agreed to dedicate him to God. John was going to say a prayer and mom was going to sing Consider the Lilies. I wanted to come back here, to his home and have all our families come and eat and share in our new life. I pictured the church so pretty with all our family there. No division for a few hours, just all our families loving our son. Their grandson, nephew, cousin...and now all I picture is this blackness. Emptiness.

I am clueless how to be. How to respond to people who have the mind frame that he wasn't real, I should just get over it. The 'well, at least you didn't get all the way up there. The God has a plan ones get me too. I know He has a plan, I know that He has something in store for us. I just am not to that place where I can accept that Isaac wasn't our plan. For 6 months he was.

We have to get our lives back to some resemblance of normalcy. But, we are not there. My friends who have experienced miscarriages have told me it doesn't happen overnight. They tell me it takes some form of closure which I hope to get. I need to know if she was ever pregnant. I want to know the whys and hows, but I NEED to know if he was ever part of this world. I am not sure how we are going to find out for sure, but I have been sleuthing, my friends have been searching and somehow we will find out.

But, right now I am still in the hurting/grieving stage. Anger hasn't taken over yet. Don't get me wrong, anger is here and is ugly...but, I will get out of this pit and get back to living.

We have this very real pain and having trouble finding the how to book on dealing with it. Don't ask me to write it, I am sucking at dealing with it right now. I think I have permanent wrinkles in my butt from being in bed so much the last 2 days. The weather - I hope - is to blame for my back pain increasing substantially.

Thank you all so much for every positive, encouraging comment - not one negative one. I have gotten so many emails and so many texts that have made me feel somewhat validated to be grieving.

P.S. Burt, Leslie...I love you.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Scott's thoughts...

Scott may shoot me for putting this out there... He typed this on his facebook page. It took me 2 days to read it all. I would start and something would tear me up and I would have to stop.

I love him Lord, a beautiful reminder of how much God loves me - to give me Scott. I don't deserve him.

I've refrained from Posting much about what has happened but maybe laying down my thoughts even on virtual paper will help.

Let me start by saying Hope is my everything and first and foremost I hurt for her. Beautiful words right? then that selfish side of everyone gets me and I feel bad for me, I saw myself as a father finally holding my son in my arms, showing him how to work on cars, how to work on computers, passing my knowledge and love on to him. Now I look around and see a house in the midst of getting ready for that dream and know that dream has been destroyed.

My heart tries to rip from my chest every time I pass the door of the room that was to be Isaac's, I think of the things I wanted to say to him, things I wanted to do with him and the world spins and I have to hold to something to keep me steady mustn't show Hope that I am weak she needs me now more then ever! I must bury this hurt and focus on her I must drown her sorrows in my love so that her hurt lessens, there will be time later for me to work on my pain I'm a man after all, we are strong right? Then how come I don't feel strong I feel like a small frighten child who has lost something that was so dear to him, pain wells again must fight back the tears of despair, I refuse to add to Hope's misery by showing how much I hurt.

How can a person be so evil? Rebecca was I thought an angel sent from God to deliver onto us the child we have so desperately wanted and tried to have for the last 20 years, instead she has transformed in to a demon, a creature of pure evil who would dangle the precious form of our hopes and dreams in front of us and as we reach for it snatch it away laughing that flame spewing laugh like you see in some bad horror movie. I want to be that gallant white knight who rides in to save the poor people being terrorized, but what happens when its the white knight that is being terrorized by the beast, who saves him?

Life seems so dim and dark right now, the only brightness being my wife and Gods love. Isaac was/is my son, but Isaac is no more, if he ever was, we still are not sure about that one, God gives you only as much as you can bear right? Then how come I fear I can't bear this? Can you have a funeral for a dream? Or does that dream die and resurrect into a nightmare that stalks you forever?

I promised Hope that we will get through this together and I keep my promises but it doesn't stop the hurt and pain in her or in me, it merely helps her to cope with it, I have yet to get to the coping stage its more of the find a deep hole in my soul and bury it stage, did I mention that the deep hole was already there? Rebecca dug it out for me in my heart.

I pray I can cope as well as Hope. She calls me her rock but what she doesn't realize is she is my planet she puts my feet on solid ground and helps me stay rooted with out her I fear I would float off into space and never return to reality. I have vowed to God, to Hope, to everyone that this monstrous act would not stop us we will have a child and I promise to God and everyone who reads my drivel that he/she will be special and he/she will have as much of the goodness of the Lord as a human can have, enough I hope to out weight the evil that has been done to us.

Psalms 34:18 The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

One day at a time

I never dreamed I would get so much support. It humbles me and it brings healing.

I don't know if this rebecca is the same as the one quite a few have sent me pictures, info about. I am going to send a picture to my friends daughter who actually met her and see what she thinks. From the picture I have (side shot of her face with glasses - can't really tell much), it doesn't look the same - but it is so hard to tell. I remember when all the April Rose stuff was happening. That won't happen to me. Never - NEVER say NEVER!!

Scott and I had to get out of the house. Had to get away from all the gifts and his room and all the reminders of Isaac. Sunday we should have been on the way to IL. His bag was packed. His blanket from his grandmother was laying across his bag. We reluctantly went to a family pig picking (I consider Gary family). It was hard. Tears fell. The pig picking in the spring - Scott and I couldn't wait for the fall one hoping we would be home with our son. We sat with family, all their kids. It was hard. Thank God for big sun glasses. My brother Todd came and hugged me, he just let me cry. Lisa, my sister in law was so tender and loving. A lady, who was the secretary from my elementary school came and hugged me. A girl I went to school with at Salem was there. I hadn't seen her in years and years, but 4 days earlier I saw her at Fatz and we caught up some - me telling her all about our trip and God blessing us with a son. Her face quickly drained and like most, she didn't have much more to say but I am so sorry. Fortunately, the story got around so most didn't ask.

We went home, home to the place where we expected to hear him cry for his bottle, have his first laugh, say his first words. I sat there and the silence really was deafening. I thought I would go to bed early and the pain would just go away. Instead, I lay there thinking about Rebecca and trying to make truth out of her lies. Trying to figure out how I am wrong and she really is giving us Isaac. All of it ended with anger and tears.

I even text her at one point that we would be there. Knowing we wouldn't, but I wanted to put a little fear into her. This was in response to her asking me if I wanted her to send pictures after he was born on my phone! I said no, we would be there and you would have thought I zapped her with a tazer. She shot back a text so fast, telling me she needs to know for sure so she can put me on the list at the hospital or I wouldn't be able to see the baby or her. WHAT!?!?! I said FOR SURE! Put us on the list. Then I reminded her that the patient advocate had already told me she would have Scott and I a room if the L&D wasn't full. She said we would see. I told her that way we both could have quality time with Isaac. She then told me that I was being pushy!!!! That she hasn't signed anything yet and she could spend all the time she wanted with him - I think she was believing her own lies!! She never sent another text.

Monday morning I couldn't resist telling her it was cold in IL - that wasn't a lie! Nothing from her. So finally I sent her one that said I guess you know I know by now. Nothing. So after that, repeatedly through the day I sent her the theme song to Cops - "Bad boys, bad boys...whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you!" I did that a few times today too. Nothing in return.

Also Monday, we couldn't handle the house anymore and quickly packed a small bag and headed in the rain to Asheville to just hang out over night. As we were heading out, we stopped to pay the power bill. Scott handed her the bill and payment and she said, "Ohh so when is it ya'll are heading to get your baby?". Ahhhhhhhhhh So the trip was good. No one in the mountains knew us, knew we were crumbling inside. We ate good and went to the hotel. Us time rules.

Monday was one of those days where you know where you are, you recognize things around you but you just are a walking zombie of sorts. Monday he was supposed to be born! We thought by the evening we would be holding our son. Feeding him and loving on him. Sending a gazillion pictures to friends and family. Yet, here we stood in a strange city...empty.

When we woke up to head out Tuesday, the sun was out. It was warmer. The colors of the changing leaves just was amazing. This had to be a better day. We got on the Blue Ridge Parkway and drove for over 8 hours. Scott did about 4 and I did the rest. We ended up in Virginia. It was a great day. We got on interstate 77 heading towards Morganton and it hit me, then Scott. He is in our house, every corner. I can't go in there today. I can't go home. We are sleeping in a Wingate hotel right now on the outskirts of Charlotte. Tomorrow. Tomorrow we pack it all up and put most in a closet. I don't know how I can get through it. But, I know I have to. I can't ask someone else to do it, this is something we have to do on our own.

My mother in law and I were talking, I told her I couldn't name another child Isaac. See! I still feel like he was real, he was just as real as you or me. I have a picture in my mind what he was going to look like. He was my Isaac and I can't imagine having another son and naming him that. She said I might, but I won't. In some strange, horrific, heartbreaking way we lost our son. I can't explain it to her - to anyone really. He was there, in my heart, in my house, in my family. Now he is not. SIGH!

I can't sleep. All I think about is her and him.

Monday, I called the hospital all day asking for Rebecca L's room. No Rebecca of any name registered for L&D.

She reluctantly gave me her doctor's name. (yeah right) I had a friend who didn't sound quite as southern :) call the office and ask for my appointment time. The receptionist said I didn't have an appointment Monday. With any doctor in the practice. And from the way it sounded I hadn't had one recently. But, she had been there Monday...rolls eyes.

I called the office back later and asked for the office manager. I wanted them to know what she had done, and she had given their name as her doctor. The office manager was taken aback from the sound in her voice. She got Rebecca's information and mine. I told her I wanted her to know just in case this goes before a judge. Hopefully all of that went in her chart, she was a past patient there.

I emailed the patient advocate telling her the situation. I emailed Baymont Inn's (who were giving us a big discount and upgrade while we stayed) and thanked them and told them some of what had happened.

I will be calling DSS tomorrow, hoping her file gets flagged and if she is doing this to anyone else they can do something about it.

I am calling the Chicago Tri.bune and telling them the story, if nothing else I want a letter to the editor all about her in it. Also Aurora's newspaper.

I have also been given a list of neighbors. I just want to know if she is pregnant. I need to know if she is or was, for my heart and peace of mind.

I have to quit sending her Bad Boy's though, Scott thinks I have lost it. Bad Boys is better than some of what I want to say to her. I don't want her to know she has hurt me so much, I almost feel she will get some kick out of it. UGH

I still cry. Bawl sometimes. Scott hears something or I read him one of your comments and he will cry too. I wake up crying, reaching for him. When will this ease? I'll never forget, but surely it will get easier?

Jesus, forgive me the anger and need for vengeance. Forgive anything that might hinder this prayer. I need You. I can't do this alone. We can't do this alone. Thank you for Scott, for my families and friends. Thank you for every person who has came here to offer me prayer and support. It means so much to me and Scott. Heavenly Father, take this pain from our hearts. Fill it with peace and love. Rescue us from this pain before it consumes us. Take care of our families as they have to not only deal with the loss of Isaac, but how to handle our pain and sorrow. Bless all these wonderful people praying for us, all our friends. And God, please take care of Rebecca, heal her heart and mind. It isn't normal for someone to even think of such evilness, much less going through with it. If there is a baby, precious Jesus please take care of him. Let us sleep tonight and give us strength for tomorrow. Amen

Sunday, October 11, 2009


hurt, not a big enough word. Broken...no shattered.

The last two days have been a blur. Thursday went from excitement, packing and worrying about what I might forget to confused, scared, doubting, numb.

Then Friday. Started early and hasn't ended it feels like. I think the oxygen levels in the air dropped immensely. I couldn't breathe very well from about 10 am ... well, still the air is thin.

Super detailed, long version was mailed to my family and friends. My brain says copy and paste, but I just don't want to put it all out there yet. Maybe if it isn't out there all the way it will somehow not be true.


In some sentences I guess it is a good word. The two hour wait to get seated is finally over. The boring season of Big Brother is over. But, this sentence...well, sucks. Isaac, our son is over.

There is like a .000000000000000000000009% it isn't, but that is the optimist in me. Who is slowly dying, when she flat lines I will let you know.

The low down, the punch line is this. Three possible summations to the woman who birthed a baby in my heart.

  • Rebecca is a pathological liar. She wasn't pregnant, there is no baby and it all was some evil, sick, diabolical joke with Scott and I the butts.
  • Rebecca is a pathological liar. She is pregnant about to have a baby but had no intentions of giving him to us. Maybe she is mentally disturbed, or maybe she thought when we got there that we would be so in love with the baby that anything she asked for we would give it to her.
  • This is what I hope is the reason...she loves this baby so much that the closer it got the more she couldn't give him up. I could understand this, I could forgive this and move on. I wish she would have told me this sooner (even today she said in a text that she wanted us to have him). This unfortunately is not the most likely.

I was so overwhelmed with love for him, so relieved my arms were not going to be empty much longer that I let things that didn't fit slide. Little things here and there, my hope and trust and love for her made me ignore them and chalk them up to her being scattered or overwhelmed herself. Then she didn't meet me in IL. My antennas went up a bit, but still...all I could think of is what if. What if Isaac is in her belly, nothing would keep me from him not even my spidey senses.

Then, this week happened. Multiple lies, multiple excuses for things and then the HUGE admission she wouldn't sign her rights to us unless the father did first. This all just started all of a sudden. I asked her why the sudden change? She had always assured us...sometimes over stating how she knew the father (at one time 3 fathers...then 2, now 1) never wanted a child, wouldn't want him now and would sign no matter what. She wouldn't answer.

We called the lawyer and told him what she said, I assumed we could still get a risk placement and bring him home - NOPE! If no termination papers were signed by her, three things could happen. She has to take him home, DSS sends him to foster care or the father's family can petition for placement with them. Notice how we are not in those options.

After repeatedly asking for her to call, and her repeatedly giving me excuses she didn't call me. So I had to text her the above scenarios. She said oh, I know. I planned to take him home and keep him until Josh signed his rights away. GASP

One of our last texts was this...So you don't sign your rights to us, you take him home and bond with him and him with you for 30 or so days. You change your mind and keep him. Or, you don't sign your rights to us, you take him home and bond with him and him with you for 30 or so days. Josh won't sign his rights, so you won't and you keep him. Either way we walk away empty. She didn't respond.

There are numerous other things from this past week, all of these and the past things made the lawyer advise us that something was wrong and we shouldn't make the trip and we should call her bluff and inform her we were backing out. We asked him to talk to her, tell her the situation and let her know to communicate with him and only him.

We haven't communicated with her, she did text me at 7 am that she wanted us to take the baby, she was scared because Josh' family had been calling and she won't answer. Funny, how did they get her number...new phone since being out of rehab and he has been in prison and she said she hadn't talked to him since the night they had sex. Plus she told me Tuesday that Josh didn't know she was pregnant. I didn't respond per the lawyer, but I wanted to.

Needless to say, we are devastated. We cried so many tears that I feel a little dehydrated. So many emotions, anger, hurt, sadness, hopeless, embarrassed...I could go on and on. How does one prey on the hope and longing of an infertile couple who want a baby.

I know my girls in IL are so angry and hurt too, if they find her and she isn't pregnant...well, one way or another she will be in the hospital next week.

I can't pray for her. Not for good things, more like migraines, boils on her butt, sudden massive hair loss or a yeast infection that won't go away.

That .0000000000000000000000000000009% chance he is still ours keeps me from saying some pretty ugly things to her. UGH

I hurt for our parents who loved us through almost 20 years of longing, and then 6 months of waiting. Friends and other family are hurting too, it is bigger than just Scott and I.

I don't know if there really is a baby in Aurora IL, but there was one here. In our hearts and in so many other ways. It is like a death, I don't want to compare this to a miscarriage - I have friends who have lived through those and I can't imagine a live growing baby in the belly there one day and not the next. But, this is a death as well. He was in our hearts, implanted just as strongly as if he was in my belly. Scott loved him. He glowed when he said my son.

God's grace is sufficient. I want to feel Him wrapped around us. I long for Him to give us peace. It will come, I know He loves us and has a plan. Only He can get us through this, through family and friends and His presence. I need it. We need it.

Scott is..., I can't describe it. He has cried, he has crumbled, he is gasping for air as well. But, he has held me. He has let me hurt and cry and crumble in his capable arms. His warm, safe, loving, big arms hold me tight to him so I can hear his heart and I know that no matter the storm it beats for me. He is My best friend, (well, him and Leslie :) )my love and my safe place. I hope he feels the same about me.

We are going to go to the mountains to get away from all the baby stuff in the house, all the sad eyes. All the hurt and oh honey's. I love my family and friends, but we just need some down time...us time.

Please pray for her. Pray for her to get boils on her butt to get Jesus. Pray that she tells us what really has happened. Pray for my family and friends and all the hurt they are feeling eases. Pray for Scott and I to get to a point that this isn't as raw and painful as it is today.

I am so blessed to have called and talked to friends on Friday that helped me through so much. Even though they weren't right here to hold me or cry with me, they were here in other ways.

I don't know how soon I will post again, this place is full of Isaac. Full of hope and happiness. And, as beautiful as it was...it is now pieces of our lives laying at His feet and we now wait for Him to help us put them back together again.