Thursday, May 15, 2014

This old house...

Mother's Day brings me back every year. It's like an old empty house, full of memories - good and bad, pictures are still hung and but for the cobwebs and dust bunnies you would almost think someone still lives here. It's that old house you just cant bring yourself to tear down.

I read back through all those tears and see that all were not sad or miserable ones. I did meet some wonderful friends on here. I would have rather met them at some mommy and me class...but, yeah. Still, just a woman here. OK, I am a wife, daughter, friend, aunt...the list goes on and on . But, still...that one precious, prized, beautiful title is still not mine add to the list.

Until that morning of Mother's day, I still don't know if I will darken the doors of church.  But, this year was different.  My daddy wasn't there to honor my mom, if my absence from the service made her feel alone.  It was her first, our first Mother's day without him.  I stayed up late, not feeling good.  I still had every intention of going.  I hear my phone ring at 10 a.m. and it was mom, asking if I could pick up one of her great grand babies.  I forgot to set my alarm.  We jump out of bed, knowing we would be late - church is a good 50 minutes from our house.  We get there about 11:30, but still we were there.  All of her sons were there, which made me feel so much better.

I loved going to mom and dad's church, they have an awesome preacher and everyone is always so nice.  The distance from our house - didn't love that so much.  We haven't joined a church, but have one that we feel most at home in from any church we have visited.  Daddy really liked the preacher, so did mom.  But, we have tried to go with mom some...that is her church, her and daddy started that church.  I walk in and see him everywhere.  Not always a good thing, get me crying or emotional and it takes a lot to make it stop :/

The service this mother's day was easier.  We got there late, missed all the "will all the moms stand up so we can show you some appreciation", "such a gift from God being a momma", "here's a rose for all the mothers" and "here's a pity rose for those that aren't".  OK, they don't actually say it...but, that is what it is.  Except, the year we were supposed to get Isaac, my sweet Daddy took a rose from the basket, gave it to me with tears in his eyes and told the church that it was my first Mother's day.  Then...well, you know the rest of the Isaac story.

I sat down in the pew behind mom.  Todd, Illan and Ida Hope were sitting with her.  Ida came scampering around to sit with us and jumped on my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck so tight.  She didn't just let go, she held it there for what seemed like forever.  It felt so good.  She had no clue that my tears were falling down her pigtail onto my arm.  Then just as fast as she got to me, she was on Scott's lap waiting for me to find some markers and paper in my Bible for her.  Illan come back and hugged me too...then they both sat and drew on paper.

We took mom out for lunch, then home...we saw Scott's mom on Saturday.  It always takes my breath away, but Scott is like a hit of oxygen.

Looking back through the Mother's days that I have documented on here...seems they all had been similar except for the year we thought we were getting Isaac.  I still don't understand why God chose not to let us have a baby, adopt Isaac or all the road blocks with fostering.  (road blocks, nothing legal or with DSS really....Scott has had surgeries the last 2 years in July, I had 2 surgeries, my dad passed away, finances...just something happens to keep us from classes or the home study to be delayed every time we start the process it seems).

I think I am OK, I have begged Christ to take the desire to be a mother from me so it wouldn't be so painful.  No. Such. Luck.  But, some things are not as bad as others.

But, the sting of hearing of babies that have been so mistreated by their parents, or aborted before they even got here...when God could have put them with us and my oh my the devotion they would have gotten.  Then there is seeing the teens pregnant, women who don't want or don't need a baby let alone multiple ones...that is just as hard to handle as it was 10 years ago.  Then to hear the well meaning people telling us it is all in God's plan.  GULP

But, I think I am going to open the windows, clear the cobwebs and dust a little in this old house and visit more often.  Writing has always been a way to let off steam or just get the feelings out and see how silly they were...or how valid.

I know I have some blogs to catch up on, I have seen a few and happy they have had such success and their journeys have finally exited the same ole highway and they aren't empty any longer.  I know there have been people praying for us from here and have never stopped.  We are so thankful for faithful friends - near and far.

**last years snow**