Child of God

Hope...makes everything brighter

2010-09-20T22:20:00.002-04:00

We settled on our house! We made an offer, it was accepted. Now we are just jumping through the hoops until we close.

The closing is set for the 15th, hoping it happens sooner than that! We have to move out of the house we are leasing by Thursday...so yeah, we are scrambling.

Some crazy things are happening in our lives right now. Crazy in a good way. Unexpected to say the least. I anticipated hearing one thing, and heard something completely different. Hope has snuck into our lives. It hasn't been there, in this area anyways for a long time.

You are more confused now than ever huh? Well, until we know more - we just don't want to put it all out there. Soon though...I really, completely suck (for lack of a better word) at keeping a secret. I get that from my mamma. God love her, some of the worse arguments between her and dad were at Christmas...she just couldn't keep a secret, wanted us to open our gifts way early. My dad was hard nosed about it though, would make us wait until Christmas morning. What he didn't know is mom would tell us what some of them were lol. Well, that and Mark and I would always untape to see what they were, then perfectly retape them back. ahaha...good ole days.

Hope, it is contagious. The few we have shared this...thing...with are hopeful. I promised myself I would be cautiously hopeful - not letting the hope of it all consume me. Well, I suck at keeping promises too it seems! I get giddy thinking about it. The few I have told are giddy when we talk about it, it is so funny. So refreshing. God has a plan. He still does miracles. I am asking for mine, for me and Scott.

We are really liking a church we have been visiting. Oxford Baptist in Conover. I will always miss Grand Strand though. Scott and I have always been 'in' church, but GSB was in us. The people, the pastor, the programs...we wanted to go to church every time the doors were open. We felt His spirit there, we knew from the first visit that this was our church. We met our best forever friends there. But, the commute from Newton, NC to Myrtle Beach, SC is a little much...so we have prayed for God to send us to our new church. This church's choir is even called the Jubilee Choir :) Same as Grand Strand!

Speaking of Jubilee...it is coming up soon, I can't wait. This is the 5th or 6th we have been to. Pray for my mom, she hasn't been feeling so well. I want her to go so bad, we always have such a good time. The last time we went, we walked out on the beach and with tears she said this might be the last time she would see the ocean. I want to prove her wrong!

Thank you all for keeping in touch and praying for me. It means so much.

Hello

2010-08-11T15:57:00.004-04:00

I saw a picture of him today. When all of this happened, a friend randomly searched for her on facebook and found her. It was just her picture, everything else was hidden. Then...today.

My friend sent me a note asking if I would want to see a picture of him if there was one available. I was puzzled, but thought it was just a hypothetical question. I didn't know how to answer at first.

I sat back and thought about it. I still think about him every day. I miss him every day.

I came to believe that maybe the purpose of all of this was that he would have someone to pray for him every day. Maybe God knew that this baby boy wouldn't have someone to pray for him and pray for him like a mother would for a son they loved with all their heart. I have had to cling to that, to believe that there had to be a purpose for all this pain and loss. Sometimes it helps...sometimes it doesn't.

I have had this picture in my mind and heart of what he would look like, how he has grown. I just didn't know if I wanted it to change.

I clicked on the link and closed my eyes.
Then before I could see, I closed my laptop.

I took the dog outside and prayed about it, cried. Just wondering if he was chubby or smiling? Soo much I contemplated.

I came back in and sat down, opened my lap top back up and there he was with his brother. I am not just saying this but he looked like the Isaac in my mind.

He looked happy. He looked healthy. He is beautiful.

Sure, this all opened up the flood gates. This time last year we were getting excited. I had already been thinking even more about him. Last years trip to see R and my friends and how all that turned out.

We are preparing for a yard/garage sale and I found a box of things I had bought for R and her son. I had forgotten about this box. I read the letter I had written to R and her mom. How this would be the first of many as we shared in Isaac's life. A wrapped box with Thomas the Trains in it, a delicate bag that had a necklace with a cross and a few other little things. I loved her. I really did. I had imagined all this big future with her family and ours sharing in his life. How close her and I would be. I learned my lesson, am more cautious with people.

The anger is gone mostly, it still hurts. I think it always will. I know we will never know what really happened. I have no intentions of contacting her. I pray she is still clean and loving her boys. I pray they are happy, that every day she appreciates the blessings that God has given her.

On a side note, I am going to post here more often. I am going to update the blog and how it looks. I am starting one for my photography business which is growing. So, it won't all be sad faces and what ifs anymore. My life is better, fuller and I am praying for a better and fuller future for Scott and I.

Thanks for praying for me. For the notes in my email and here. Sometimes it is the little things that make the big things better.

Hope

Last mother's day...

2010-05-09T07:01:00.002-04:00

I thought it was the last mother's day that my arms would be empty. I thought it was the first of many happy and full 0f mommy's and ... well, full. (last year's post on this day.. ) He should be here.

My bed was full of babies last night - real ones and the one in my heart, Chirsten and Caleb spent the night. The occasional kick in the head or stomach wasn't what kept me awake and just staring at them. Touching their faces. Crying. Wishing.

I got up and went and sat by the pool, chilly at 6 am this morning but quiet.

I can't do this day today. I thought I could. I was so busy yesterday with photo's and family. Then the quiet came, let in the sadness of what has surrounded this day for years and here I sit. Of course, the first place I come to is this blog which I have avoided at all costs. But, reading back all the pain of infertility and Isaac is here. Then for a brief interlude...there was the hope of Isaac.

I HATE HATE HATE this.

On another note, I am sorry I dropped off the face of the earth. Sometimes ignoring it all will make it seem less tangible. Then days like this happen. My facebook full of Happy Mother's days. Full of people sending me mother's day flowers?!? (on FB)

I want to start a new blog, one that is happy and full of rainbows and puppies. But all this is real. It has been a diary of sorts for a long time. Not sure what to do but I met some women who prayed me through all of this. (well, not met in person but...I sure felt like it at times)

Thank you Jill for thinking about me, I got your message this morning...meant so much.

Happy (insert here what you will) Day!

Hope

when it rains.........it snows a blizzard!

2009-12-21T19:00:00.001-05:00

I am still alive and kicking. Scott is still the rock I lean on, everyday I realize how God sent him to me - no doubt. I couldn't imagine loving anyone else more than I love Scott. And he tolerates me so well :)

As Christmas gets closer, my heart and mind drifts to the shoulda's. He is almost 3 months now. I remember Lyric at 3 months. *I thought I could type this out fully, but I can't. This shouldn't be so raw still, makes me angry at me for still feeling so much about it all. This really sucks!

Last friday night, Scott and I took mom and Sara out for dinner. As we were leaving mom tripped over some cement and fell and broker her shoulder. Fortunate it was a clean break so no surgery. Bad part is it will take 4-6 months to heal.

I brought her and dad to our house so she doesn't have to do much. She can't if she wanted to. She is in so much pain, but puts on a brave face for most everyone.

We no soon as got her settled that a blizzard hit NC. C R A Z Y! Snowed all day. 10ish inches. It is so beautiful. We rarely see this much in a year much less one day.

I will post some pictures when I am home on my computer. We are having Christmas dinner at our house since mom is down. I really am excited.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas. Praying that everyone remembers our Savior is the reason for this season. Praying for all who have felt the sting of the economy, the sadness of loss or who's health is failing. Praying for those who have reach out to those who don't.

Merry Christmas from Scott and I!

2009-11-25T11:37:00.000-05:00

Just having a hard time today. I can't get him off my mind. Before we lost him, all I could think of was how full our lives were going to be. How thanksgiving was going to mean so much more.

I wanna crawl in a hole and wake up around February. I am about to put a ban on TV until Christmas is over. The commercials get me the most! The one where the husband gives his wife a gift while she feeds their baby. Celebrating their first family Christmas. SIGH!

I hate sounding like a sour puss all the time, I really am happy most of the time. But, I guess lately my blog has been where I dump those sad, dark, angry feelings.

Scott and I discussed surrogacy lately. The costs of in vitro are staggering. We can't see putting so much money into it and it isn't for sure. Kind of like adoption I guess. I thought it was safer financially and emotionally to do adoption instead of continuing fertility treatments or trying surrogacy with in vitro.

We asked someone to carry a baby for us, Scott's sperm and her egg. I knew the chances were slim and wasn't suprised when the answer was no. It hurt, but I can't be angry. I like to think I would do it for someone that I loved.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving. I am thankful. For family, friends and all the normal things. But, most of all I am thankful for His grace. For His faithfulness. For His love for me that covered my sins when He died on the cross. Thankful for His gift if salvation and for keeping me safe in the palm of His hand - noone can pluck me from it.

I am thankful for you too!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Here...

2009-11-21T19:18:00.000-05:00

We went to Jubilee and it was great. The services were wonderful, music uplifting. I was there with some women from my family. Some Christian women! As wonderful as the services were, I needed to be with family. I needed to spend time with Scott and my mom.

I needed to soak up the miracle of the ocean. It still takes my breath when I see it after being away for a while.

But even more than that, I needed my friends. They will never know what our time together meant. I wish I could bottle up the healing properties that their friendship gives me. I could use a dose today. The time was too short. No quick walk across the street to our house after dinner. Tears choked back until their house faded from sight. Then they rolled, both of us.

I loved playing and laughing with Colin. He has always been a huggy, loving boy. Jack Henry didn't really care I was there. He is all about his mom and dad. Well, not true!!! While I was chopped liver, Scott was obviously chocolate cake with sprinkles! He held out his sweet chubby hands for Scott, and Scott happily obliged! I thought it was a fluke, but it continued to the next day. So sweeet!

Scott will be such a great daddy. SIGH

But, we are home now. We are better. Still every day there is something that makes me miss what could have been. Silly Christmas commercials. I think about what to get family/friends kids and it just makes me sad.

I should have been showing off our miracle to my church and at the hospital while we were at the beach! I think I am ok and then I think of something like that. GRR

We have decided to foster while we wait for God to send us our child/ren. We have found a bigger house that would be perfect. God just has to make it all happen. The house has happened, and we move in on the 1st. 4 bedrooms, 3 baths and a great big fenced in yard with a play area and a pool. It is so exciting, scary but exciting.

I love him. Scott that is. I know I would never be able to handle these trials had God not sent me Scott. Sometimes when I think of all that I have been through...I feel guilty for complaining because I am so blessed with Scott. Some never find the love that we have, I have family and friends who haven't. I should be thankful for what I have and not complain...sigh.

We have our classes in January for foster care. Scott and I both believe this is a path we should be on. I know the potential for heartbreak is so real and very possible. I know that I will fall in love with every child we come in contact with. But, the prospect of showing a child so much love, Jesus and what family really means...if even for a little while makes the rest worth it.

As far as Rebecca goes...I haven't done anything else. I haven't investigated any more, I have tried my best to not even think about her. But, then a dark haired girl with a new baby walks in front of me at Target and I wonder...UGH! I know it can't be, but could it? She knows where I live. Makes me angry again for giving her my information, all of it.

I pray for him. Every day, several times a day. I ache for him all the time. I hope the ache eases soon. I keep thinking once the holidays pass it will be easier. Then my birthday...if we get past that...then it will be easier. I remember when my brother died, it took getting past all the firsts, and then the healing really began.

I am sorry I haven't posted lately, I stay with an elderly lady and have taken on more days in the last few weeks. I think it is partly due to the fact she has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember why I am sad or cry. I look into her eyes and there is no pity or hurt for us, she just sees the last 5 minutes.

I still go back and read all of the support I have gotten, that got me through the hardest time of this. I will never be able to repay all the kindness I have received. Thank you again.

Speaking of Sara, I better get off here and get ready...headed to her house in a few. I wish she had internet, but what would an 86 year old do with it. We barely have cellular signal there! In the boonies.

If I don't get on here before then...Happy Thanksgiving. No matter what I have so much to be thankful for.

waiting for our Ram

2009-10-27T17:47:00.002-04:00

My friend Kari sent me this and I have read and re-read it. She is such a good friend, love her!

She said she was breathless while she read it, so was I. Being reminded that God was working good for me, brought me some peace. I lost sight of anything good.

We took a little ride (over 8 hours) on the Blue Ridge Parkway from Asheville to VA, and good started seeping in. Patchwork quilt of colors. There were beautiful views and up there on top of Mt. Mitchell I felt closer physically and spiritually to my sweet Savior.

We came home and things hadn't changed here, raining inside and out. Hard to believe God was in this place. Hurt everywhere.

Then, the prayers and words of comfort began to bring healing and peace. If you had asked me this time last week if I would be feeling any kind of healing and I would have adamantly said NO!! But, Gods time not my own.

Have I found forgiveness for her and what she did? NO! But, God says I have to. I was told by someone who knew her that she did have a baby, just a week later.

Another friend told me that maybe God brought me into his life to pray for him like a mother would for her son. And maybe He knew I would everyday, everyday.

I want to make her pay, I want to make her hurt like we have. I would really like to punch her in the face. I would LOVE to snatch every hair out of her head. That is my flesh talking.

All I can think about is him. My Isaac, who she calls Camdon. His little life will be so full of grief if she continues in the path she has chosen. I can't make it any worse. No matter what I do, he is not going to magically be handed over to Scott and I. Vengeance is His.

I have stopped praying for boils, I have started praying for her to find a different path - one that leads her to Jesus. He is the only way she will get peace and healing. I pray she loves him and Jacob and Mayson with a mothers heart. I pray she never has a desire to do drugs again. I pray that she never finds the strength to carry on such an evil thing for 6 months like she did with us. I pray God lays it on her heart to tell us the why's and the I'm sorries.

This devotion touched me and Scott. It gave me more breath than it took. While I don't know what is coming up the other side of the mountain, I know my God will mend Scott and I. We are stronger in our relationship than ever - I never knew we could love each other more.

Know that we are healing and it is because you lifted us up in prayer and He heard them.

"So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, 'On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided.'" Genesis 22:14 (NIV)

Have you ever been in a situation so desperate that it looked hopeless?Have you ever sat at the kitchen table wondering how you were going to pay the electric bill? Have you ever stood at a door that's been slammed in your face by an angry teenager and despaired at ever having a relationship with him again? Have you ever had your heart broken so deeply that you wondered if you would ever feel whole again?

Sadly, we live in a broken world where desperate situations happen every day. I know someone reading this devotion is wondering how she will make it through the day because her situation looks hopeless. If that is you, I encourage you to keep reading. I believe God has a message of hope for you today's message is found in the Bible, in the story of a man who was dealing with his own desperate situation.

His name was Abraham and he faced the greatest testing of his life. After longing for a son for many years, God finally gave Abraham a boy, whom he named Isaac. Abraham never imagined God would test his faith by asking him to sacrifice his son. But it happened t had to have been the darkest day of Abraham's life as he trudged up the mountain, with firewood strapped to his son's back.

Every step took Abraham closer to what he believed to be the sad ending of a hopeless situation – the death of his son. Yet in spite of his sorrow, Abraham trusted God. His heart wasn't soaring with joy. He wasn't dancing up the mountain. But he put one foot in front of the other. Walking through the darkness of the situation; obeying His God's commands.

Unbeknownst to Abraham, something else was walking up that mountain. Quietly. Out of sight. On the other side of the mountain. Something else was putting one foot in front of the other. Only Abraham couldn't see it. For every step Abraham took, a ram on the other side of the mountain took a step .

All Abraham saw that day was his solitary journey of pain. As he got closer to the top of the mountain, his dread must have increased. I wonder if he asked himself any questions. I would have. I would have wondered why hadn't God intervened? Why hadn't God stopped this testing? Couldn't God see that Abraham was a man of faith? Why test him in this way?

But there was no answer. There was no voice from heaven. And so Abraham kept obeying his God's command. He put Isaac on an altar and prepared to sacrifice his one and only son. And just at that very moment, at the very last second, when it looked like the end had come, God spoke, stopping the sacrifice. Abraham looked up and there caught in the thicket was a ram. Abraham took his son off the altar, replaced him with the ram, and offered the sacrifice to God.

Abraham named that place "Yahweh-Yireh" or "The Lord Will Provide." And the story was written down for generations of God-followers to read. It was written so that you and I today would read it as we face our own hopeless situations. It was captured in print so that you and I would know that God is already planning for our provision. We don't see it. We don't hear it. But we can trust that our God is at work. On your behalf, and on mine. I choose to trust God today. A ram is on the way.

Dear Lord, You know how desperate I am today. You know that my faith has wavered. Although I want to trust You, I'm having trouble doing so. I ask for Your intervention in my situation, and for an increase of my faith while I wait. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Real or no real?

2009-10-16T13:12:00.000-04:00

Don't feel like you are wrong for mourning the loss of a baby that might not have ever existed. You loved him and now he is gone. That is a real loss.

A friend sent me this just a few minutes ago. I have been struggling with this. How to respond to some who think this is not a big deal and we should just move on. Some close friends, some family...I have just withdrawn from to a point; and not giving many the opportunity to love us through this, be there for us...just in case they are one of those who make this pain seem trivial.

I sent an email to my niece Misti, who has really been there for me and feels our pain.

Here is part of it...

I just wanted to say thanks for the calls. I don't know how to talk about it to family. Anyone really. For the most part, people have been supportive and understanding. But, there have been a few who have been a bit insensitive. A few people, who have not called, emailed, came by nothing. I don't know what hurts more.

Some I know think of this loss as a death. That is unequivocally how we feel. He should be 4 days old, laying in his daddy's arms. I should be exhausted from all that comes with being a new mom - not exhausted from tears and sadness. My phone should be exploding from all the pictures and messages and phone calls. He was real. No matter what Rebecca may have done, if she was really pregnant or not...Isaac was really in our hearts, our lives. He has a room, he has stuff, he was real. Maybe not in IL, but in NC he was real.

I don't know how to heal from it. I can't have a funeral. I can't go visit a grave.

I felt like a mom, everything in me was prepared. Heart, soul, body...every ounce of me screamed MOMMY! I pictured in my mind future things that a mommy would plan. His first Halloween. We ordered him a Superman costume. It was a surprise for Scott. Super hero freak he is - I knew he would love it. I planned for only mom and dad, John and Lena being here the day we came home from IL. I wanted them to be the first to hold, love on and spend time with their long awaited grand baby.

I had planned the dedication service down to the music. I wanted to have it at Gilboa, late afternoon with all sorts of candles. Yellow roses, lilies and babies breath filling the whole church with their sweet fragrance. Daddy already agreed to dedicate him to God. John was going to say a prayer and mom was going to sing Consider the Lilies. I wanted to come back here, to his home and have all our families come and eat and share in our new life. I pictured the church so pretty with all our family there. No division for a few hours, just all our families loving our son. Their grandson, nephew, cousin...and now all I picture is this blackness. Emptiness.

I am clueless how to be. How to respond to people who have the mind frame that he wasn't real, I should just get over it. The 'well, at least you didn't get all the way up there. The God has a plan ones get me too. I know He has a plan, I know that He has something in store for us. I just am not to that place where I can accept that Isaac wasn't our plan. For 6 months he was.

We have to get our lives back to some resemblance of normalcy. But, we are not there. My friends who have experienced miscarriages have told me it doesn't happen overnight. They tell me it takes some form of closure which I hope to get. I need to know if she was ever pregnant. I want to know the whys and hows, but I NEED to know if he was ever part of this world. I am not sure how we are going to find out for sure, but I have been sleuthing, my friends have been searching and somehow we will find out.

But, right now I am still in the hurting/grieving stage. Anger hasn't taken over yet. Don't get me wrong, anger is here and is ugly...but, I will get out of this pit and get back to living.

We have this very real pain and having trouble finding the how to book on dealing with it. Don't ask me to write it, I am sucking at dealing with it right now. I think I have permanent wrinkles in my butt from being in bed so much the last 2 days. The weather - I hope - is to blame for my back pain increasing substantially.

Thank you all so much for every positive, encouraging comment - not one negative one. I have gotten so many emails and so many texts that have made me feel somewhat validated to be grieving.

P.S. Burt, Leslie...I love you.

Scott's thoughts...

2009-10-14T17:24:00.002-04:00

Scott may shoot me for putting this out there... He typed this on his facebook page. It took me 2 days to read it all. I would start and something would tear me up and I would have to stop.

I love him Lord, a beautiful reminder of how much God loves me - to give me Scott. I don't deserve him.

I've refrained from Posting much about what has happened but maybe laying down my thoughts even on virtual paper will help.

Let me start by saying Hope is my everything and first and foremost I hurt for her. Beautiful words right? then that selfish side of everyone gets me and I feel bad for me, I saw myself as a father finally holding my son in my arms, showing him how to work on cars, how to work on computers, passing my knowledge and love on to him. Now I look around and see a house in the midst of getting ready for that dream and know that dream has been destroyed.

My heart tries to rip from my chest every time I pass the door of the room that was to be Isaac's, I think of the things I wanted to say to him, things I wanted to do with him and the world spins and I have to hold to something to keep me steady mustn't show Hope that I am weak she needs me now more then ever! I must bury this hurt and focus on her I must drown her sorrows in my love so that her hurt lessens, there will be time later for me to work on my pain I'm a man after all, we are strong right? Then how come I don't feel strong I feel like a small frighten child who has lost something that was so dear to him, pain wells again must fight back the tears of despair, I refuse to add to Hope's misery by showing how much I hurt.

How can a person be so evil? Rebecca was I thought an angel sent from God to deliver onto us the child we have so desperately wanted and tried to have for the last 20 years, instead she has transformed in to a demon, a creature of pure evil who would dangle the precious form of our hopes and dreams in front of us and as we reach for it snatch it away laughing that flame spewing laugh like you see in some bad horror movie. I want to be that gallant white knight who rides in to save the poor people being terrorized, but what happens when its the white knight that is being terrorized by the beast, who saves him?

Life seems so dim and dark right now, the only brightness being my wife and Gods love. Isaac was/is my son, but Isaac is no more, if he ever was, we still are not sure about that one, God gives you only as much as you can bear right? Then how come I fear I can't bear this? Can you have a funeral for a dream? Or does that dream die and resurrect into a nightmare that stalks you forever?

I promised Hope that we will get through this together and I keep my promises but it doesn't stop the hurt and pain in her or in me, it merely helps her to cope with it, I have yet to get to the coping stage its more of the find a deep hole in my soul and bury it stage, did I mention that the deep hole was already there? Rebecca dug it out for me in my heart.

I pray I can cope as well as Hope. She calls me her rock but what she doesn't realize is she is my planet she puts my feet on solid ground and helps me stay rooted with out her I fear I would float off into space and never return to reality. I have vowed to God, to Hope, to everyone that this monstrous act would not stop us we will have a child and I promise to God and everyone who reads my drivel that he/she will be special and he/she will have as much of the goodness of the Lord as a human can have, enough I hope to out weight the evil that has been done to us.

Psalms 34:18 The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

One day at a time

2009-10-14T00:01:00.005-04:00

I never dreamed I would get so much support. It humbles me and it brings healing.

I don't know if this rebecca is the same as the one quite a few have sent me pictures, info about. I am going to send a picture to my friends daughter who actually met her and see what she thinks. From the picture I have (side shot of her face with glasses - can't really tell much), it doesn't look the same - but it is so hard to tell. I remember when all the April Rose stuff was happening. That won't happen to me. Never - NEVER say NEVER!!

Scott and I had to get out of the house. Had to get away from all the gifts and his room and all the reminders of Isaac. Sunday we should have been on the way to IL. His bag was packed. His blanket from his grandmother was laying across his bag. We reluctantly went to a family pig picking (I consider Gary family). It was hard. Tears fell. The pig picking in the spring - Scott and I couldn't wait for the fall one hoping we would be home with our son. We sat with family, all their kids. It was hard. Thank God for big sun glasses. My brother Todd came and hugged me, he just let me cry. Lisa, my sister in law was so tender and loving. A lady, who was the secretary from my elementary school came and hugged me. A girl I went to school with at Salem was there. I hadn't seen her in years and years, but 4 days earlier I saw her at Fatz and we caught up some - me telling her all about our trip and God blessing us with a son. Her face quickly drained and like most, she didn't have much more to say but I am so sorry. Fortunately, the story got around so most didn't ask.

We went home, home to the place where we expected to hear him cry for his bottle, have his first laugh, say his first words. I sat there and the silence really was deafening. I thought I would go to bed early and the pain would just go away. Instead, I lay there thinking about Rebecca and trying to make truth out of her lies. Trying to figure out how I am wrong and she really is giving us Isaac. All of it ended with anger and tears.

I even text her at one point that we would be there. Knowing we wouldn't, but I wanted to put a little fear into her. This was in response to her asking me if I wanted her to send pictures after he was born on my phone! I said no, we would be there and you would have thought I zapped her with a tazer. She shot back a text so fast, telling me she needs to know for sure so she can put me on the list at the hospital or I wouldn't be able to see the baby or her. WHAT!?!?! I said FOR SURE! Put us on the list. Then I reminded her that the patient advocate had already told me she would have Scott and I a room if the L&D wasn't full. She said we would see. I told her that way we both could have quality time with Isaac. She then told me that I was being pushy!!!! That she hasn't signed anything yet and she could spend all the time she wanted with him - I think she was believing her own lies!! She never sent another text.

Monday morning I couldn't resist telling her it was cold in IL - that wasn't a lie! Nothing from her. So finally I sent her one that said I guess you know I know by now. Nothing. So after that, repeatedly through the day I sent her the theme song to Cops - "Bad boys, bad boys...whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you!" I did that a few times today too. Nothing in return.

Also Monday, we couldn't handle the house anymore and quickly packed a small bag and headed in the rain to Asheville to just hang out over night. As we were heading out, we stopped to pay the power bill. Scott handed her the bill and payment and she said, "Ohh so when is it ya'll are heading to get your baby?". Ahhhhhhhhhh So the trip was good. No one in the mountains knew us, knew we were crumbling inside. We ate good and went to the hotel. Us time rules.

Monday was one of those days where you know where you are, you recognize things around you but you just are a walking zombie of sorts. Monday he was supposed to be born! We thought by the evening we would be holding our son. Feeding him and loving on him. Sending a gazillion pictures to friends and family. Yet, here we stood in a strange city...empty.

When we woke up to head out Tuesday, the sun was out. It was warmer. The colors of the changing leaves just was amazing. This had to be a better day. We got on the Blue Ridge Parkway and drove for over 8 hours. Scott did about 4 and I did the rest. We ended up in Virginia. It was a great day. We got on interstate 77 heading towards Morganton and it hit me, then Scott. He is in our house, every corner. I can't go in there today. I can't go home. We are sleeping in a Wingate hotel right now on the outskirts of Charlotte. Tomorrow. Tomorrow we pack it all up and put most in a closet. I don't know how I can get through it. But, I know I have to. I can't ask someone else to do it, this is something we have to do on our own.

My mother in law and I were talking, I told her I couldn't name another child Isaac. See! I still feel like he was real, he was just as real as you or me. I have a picture in my mind what he was going to look like. He was my Isaac and I can't imagine having another son and naming him that. She said I might, but I won't. In some strange, horrific, heartbreaking way we lost our son. I can't explain it to her - to anyone really. He was there, in my heart, in my house, in my family. Now he is not. SIGH!

I can't sleep. All I think about is her and him.

Monday, I called the hospital all day asking for Rebecca L's room. No Rebecca of any name registered for L&D.

She reluctantly gave me her doctor's name. (yeah right) I had a friend who didn't sound quite as southern :) call the office and ask for my appointment time. The receptionist said I didn't have an appointment Monday. With any doctor in the practice. And from the way it sounded I hadn't had one recently. But, she had been there Monday...rolls eyes.

I called the office back later and asked for the office manager. I wanted them to know what she had done, and she had given their name as her doctor. The office manager was taken aback from the sound in her voice. She got Rebecca's information and mine. I told her I wanted her to know just in case this goes before a judge. Hopefully all of that went in her chart, she was a past patient there.

I emailed the patient advocate telling her the situation. I emailed Baymont Inn's (who were giving us a big discount and upgrade while we stayed) and thanked them and told them some of what had happened.

I will be calling DSS tomorrow, hoping her file gets flagged and if she is doing this to anyone else they can do something about it.

I am calling the Chicago Tri.bune and telling them the story, if nothing else I want a letter to the editor all about her in it. Also Aurora's newspaper.

I have also been given a list of neighbors. I just want to know if she is pregnant. I need to know if she is or was, for my heart and peace of mind.

I have to quit sending her Bad Boy's though, Scott thinks I have lost it. Bad Boys is better than some of what I want to say to her. I don't want her to know she has hurt me so much, I almost feel she will get some kick out of it. UGH

I still cry. Bawl sometimes. Scott hears something or I read him one of your comments and he will cry too. I wake up crying, reaching for him. When will this ease? I'll never forget, but surely it will get easier?

Jesus, forgive me the anger and need for vengeance. Forgive anything that might hinder this prayer. I need You. I can't do this alone. We can't do this alone. Thank you for Scott, for my families and friends. Thank you for every person who has came here to offer me prayer and support. It means so much to me and Scott. Heavenly Father, take this pain from our hearts. Fill it with peace and love. Rescue us from this pain before it consumes us. Take care of our families as they have to not only deal with the loss of Isaac, but how to handle our pain and sorrow. Bless all these wonderful people praying for us, all our friends. And God, please take care of Rebecca, heal her heart and mind. It isn't normal for someone to even think of such evilness, much less going through with it. If there is a baby, precious Jesus please take care of him. Let us sleep tonight and give us strength for tomorrow. Amen

Shattered...

2009-10-11T00:30:00.004-04:00

hurt, not a big enough word. Broken...no shattered.

The last two days have been a blur. Thursday went from excitement, packing and worrying about what I might forget to confused, scared, doubting, numb.

Then Friday. Started early and hasn't ended it feels like. I think the oxygen levels in the air dropped immensely. I couldn't breathe very well from about 10 am ... well, still the air is thin.

Super detailed, long version was mailed to my family and friends. My brain says copy and paste, but I just don't want to put it all out there yet. Maybe if it isn't out there all the way it will somehow not be true.

Over.

In some sentences I guess it is a good word. The two hour wait to get seated is finally over. The boring season of Big Brother is over. But, this sentence...well, sucks. Isaac, our son is over.

There is like a .000000000000000000000009% it isn't, but that is the optimist in me. Who is slowly dying, when she flat lines I will let you know.

The low down, the punch line is this. Three possible summations to the woman who birthed a baby in my heart.

Rebecca is a pathological liar. She wasn't pregnant, there is no baby and it all was some evil, sick, diabolical joke with Scott and I the butts.
Rebecca is a pathological liar. She is pregnant about to have a baby but had no intentions of giving him to us. Maybe she is mentally disturbed, or maybe she thought when we got there that we would be so in love with the baby that anything she asked for we would give it to her.
This is what I hope is the reason...she loves this baby so much that the closer it got the more she couldn't give him up. I could understand this, I could forgive this and move on. I wish she would have told me this sooner (even today she said in a text that she wanted us to have him). This unfortunately is not the most likely.

I was so overwhelmed with love for him, so relieved my arms were not going to be empty much longer that I let things that didn't fit slide. Little things here and there, my hope and trust and love for her made me ignore them and chalk them up to her being scattered or overwhelmed herself. Then she didn't meet me in IL. My antennas went up a bit, but still...all I could think of is what if. What if Isaac is in her belly, nothing would keep me from him not even my spidey senses.

Then, this week happened. Multiple lies, multiple excuses for things and then the HUGE admission she wouldn't sign her rights to us unless the father did first. This all just started all of a sudden. I asked her why the sudden change? She had always assured us...sometimes over stating how she knew the father (at one time 3 fathers...then 2, now 1) never wanted a child, wouldn't want him now and would sign no matter what. She wouldn't answer.

We called the lawyer and told him what she said, I assumed we could still get a risk placement and bring him home - NOPE! If no termination papers were signed by her, three things could happen. She has to take him home, DSS sends him to foster care or the father's family can petition for placement with them. Notice how we are not in those options.

After repeatedly asking for her to call, and her repeatedly giving me excuses she didn't call me. So I had to text her the above scenarios. She said oh, I know. I planned to take him home and keep him until Josh signed his rights away. GASP

One of our last texts was this...So you don't sign your rights to us, you take him home and bond with him and him with you for 30 or so days. You change your mind and keep him. Or, you don't sign your rights to us, you take him home and bond with him and him with you for 30 or so days. Josh won't sign his rights, so you won't and you keep him. Either way we walk away empty. She didn't respond.

There are numerous other things from this past week, all of these and the past things made the lawyer advise us that something was wrong and we shouldn't make the trip and we should call her bluff and inform her we were backing out. We asked him to talk to her, tell her the situation and let her know to communicate with him and only him.

We haven't communicated with her, she did text me at 7 am that she wanted us to take the baby, she was scared because Josh' family had been calling and she won't answer. Funny, how did they get her number...new phone since being out of rehab and he has been in prison and she said she hadn't talked to him since the night they had sex. Plus she told me Tuesday that Josh didn't know she was pregnant. I didn't respond per the lawyer, but I wanted to.

Needless to say, we are devastated. We cried so many tears that I feel a little dehydrated. So many emotions, anger, hurt, sadness, hopeless, embarrassed...I could go on and on. How does one prey on the hope and longing of an infertile couple who want a baby.

I know my girls in IL are so angry and hurt too, if they find her and she isn't pregnant...well, one way or another she will be in the hospital next week.

I can't pray for her. Not for good things, more like migraines, boils on her butt, sudden massive hair loss or a yeast infection that won't go away.

That .0000000000000000000000000000009% chance he is still ours keeps me from saying some pretty ugly things to her. UGH

I hurt for our parents who loved us through almost 20 years of longing, and then 6 months of waiting. Friends and other family are hurting too, it is bigger than just Scott and I.

I don't know if there really is a baby in Aurora IL, but there was one here. In our hearts and in so many other ways. It is like a death, I don't want to compare this to a miscarriage - I have friends who have lived through those and I can't imagine a live growing baby in the belly there one day and not the next. But, this is a death as well. He was in our hearts, implanted just as strongly as if he was in my belly. Scott loved him. He glowed when he said my son.

God's grace is sufficient. I want to feel Him wrapped around us. I long for Him to give us peace. It will come, I know He loves us and has a plan. Only He can get us through this, through family and friends and His presence. I need it. We need it.

Scott is..., I can't describe it. He has cried, he has crumbled, he is gasping for air as well. But, he has held me. He has let me hurt and cry and crumble in his capable arms. His warm, safe, loving, big arms hold me tight to him so I can hear his heart and I know that no matter the storm it beats for me. He is My best friend, (well, him and Leslie :) )my love and my safe place. I hope he feels the same about me.

We are going to go to the mountains to get away from all the baby stuff in the house, all the sad eyes. All the hurt and oh honey's. I love my family and friends, but we just need some down time...us time.

Please pray for her. Pray for ~~her to get boils on her butt~~ to get Jesus. Pray that she tells us what really has happened. Pray for my family and friends and all the hurt they are feeling eases. Pray for Scott and I to get to a point that this isn't as raw and painful as it is today.

I am so blessed to have called and talked to friends on Friday that helped me through so much. Even though they weren't right here to hold me or cry with me, they were here in other ways.

I don't know how soon I will post again, this place is full of Isaac. Full of hope and happiness. And, as beautiful as it was...it is now pieces of our lives laying at His feet and we now wait for Him to help us put them back together again.

Update :)

2009-09-23T22:56:00.002-04:00

The lawyer is on the ball, working hard to get things rolling in the right direction. He talked to Rebecca and set up an appointment. He also tracked down the man she feels is most likely the father and has set up an appointment with him as well. He is in prison, so he can't not show up! :) He sent us copies of the prison pictures as well, and he is not a bad looking guy...I had all sorts of images in my mind, but none were really close.

I talk to Rebecca daily for most part now. Her birthday is tomorrow and I have a little something for her. Her two year old's birthday is this weekend and she is having him a party. We got him some Thomas the Trains.

She is doing good, she freaked me out a little when she texts me this...

Can you give me his exact spelling of his name - just in case.

I was like ohh goodness is she having contractions? Ohh my!! So I texts her back the full name and said is there something I should know haha? She texts me back that no, nothing was happening labor wise, but just in case something happened quick, she wanted to give them his name. ahhhh, my heart can beat again!

I have been sick for the past week, stomach flu along with all the stress of things has made it more intense than it was for most of my family who got it, spent 24 good hours with it and then poof. Well, I got it...it went, then it came back and then got worse! I needed a few days rest and it is gone, but I am weak as pond water. But, getting better :)

Things are getting so close, every minute seems to be ticking in my head now, in my heart. I feel like there is so much to do. But, I can't get stressed because I gotta keep my self together for the next few weeks.

As if things weren't crazy enough....

We knew that our commode had been leaking for a while. We knew the floor had to be taken up around it and new tile put down. Well, they took the commode up and the layer of tile that was down before we moved in...and the layer below that, and the layer below that. Well, the layer of plywood was wet and rotten. So my sweet father in law started taking it up, but there were another layer under it...and another. He took up three layers of rotted plywood and then fell through three more. The floor was so rotted that it didn't even scratch him when he fell through them. So 6 layers of plywood later, the joists and such were rotted too. They had to pull up flooring and sub flooring to the dirt basically.

So, they did all the flooring and thought they were done. We had a bright idea to remove the surround around the old iron tub. Umm yeah, that ended up worse than the floor! All the 2x4's in the walls were rotted from water. You could squeeze them and water would squirt out. Then we discovered the black and white mold. So ALL the walls, the tub, the rest of the floor and the window had to come out. What was a weekend project has turned into 3 weeks so far. Scott and John (my father in law) refuse to just hire someone to come do it and have been doing it a little at a time. The plan was to have it done when I got back from IL...umm, been back a week - no 2 almost now. Still at the in laws.

They promise this weekend or they will get someone to finish it. GRR

But, I have realized how strong our relationship is with our Scott's parents. We have enjoyed our time together and no one has complained too much. I miss my bed, as does Lena and John I am sure. We are sleeping in theirs. We love each other a lot, and I am so glad of that.

I am overwhelmed multiple times a day at how God has brought Isaac to us. I feel so unworthy of all He has given to me lately. The friends and family, who have helped us in ways that I could never repay.

I think about how just a year ago, my heart felt so empty...I wondered if God even heard my prayers. I had this set plan in my heart and head that I thought was what my future should be. He had other plans. He had Isaac. He had Rebecca. He had Jami. He had De and her daughter Bre. He had all of them, and set them into motion to bring His plan to my reality.

I think about Psalm 139: 16 how He knew me, knew everything about me before even one of my days came to be. That is overwhelming. That brings peace though, because I think about Jeremiah 29:11 and how He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us. We have free will, and while bad things happen, things that harm us...that isn't what God wants for us.

All I need is the faith the size of a mustard seed. Sometimes that is hard to even do. I am so weak. If I had to do it all on my own, I would fail even more than I do now. I don't say this to upset anyone...but I don't know how people who don't know Jesus as their Savior gets through any tragedy or difficult situation. I don't know what I would do without Him to lean on.

As every day passes, and Isaac is closer...I just want him to know how he got to me. I want him to know God had this planned long before I had my first day. Long before Scott had his. Scott and I have claimed I Samuel 1:11 and want Isaac to be given to serve God in whatever way He sees fit. I just lose my breath when I think of the testimony Isaac will have; and how he will grow and how God will use him. I feel so privileged to be the mother to this baby. TEARS!

I hope to do God and Isaac justice, they both deserve my best.

Sorry..

2009-09-15T09:50:00.002-04:00

I forgot to post what happened with Rebecca the next day...

When I got to the airport she texts me that her phone died while she was on the road and she didn't have my number anywhere else, and all the directions I gave her were in the phone. She was so upset, and honestly I was too. It all just seemed like so much in a short period of time...the doctors appointment change, the zoo...then this. But, after some much needed sleep it added up a lot better than when I was sitting in the airport running on fumes :)

It was hard to be so close to her and the baby and not see them, but I have faith everything is gonna be fine. This is God's plan and no amount of our input will change it. In less than 4 weeks he will be here, in our arms and that makes any pain, disappointment or lack of sleep worth it!

(HUGS)

Whadda Trip

2009-09-14T16:55:00.004-04:00

On Wednesday before I left, Rebecca called and told me the doctor changed the appointment to Monday. There was no way I could stay till Monday so we decided to just meet at a local zoo so the kids could play and we could talk. She planned to bring her 2 year old. I just wanted to see her so that was ok.

I woke up at 2:30 Thursday morning to fly out of Charlotte. Almost as soon as I got out of the shower I was vomiting...hmph! I thought it was nerves or maybe new dose of meds, but after getting home I discovered that most of my family on Scott's side has had a stomach bug! So I probably shared that with a zillion people given my extensive riding on public transportation that day! SORRY WORLD!

When I landed in Atlanta for my connecting flight it was raining, gloomy, dark...just not pretty. Then we took off and as I freaked a little because I couldn't see and if I couldn't see then umm pilots couldn't see, my breath was taken as we rose above the clouds and that dismal, dark sky gave way to the bluest sky, so bright that my eyes watered. The sun was hot on my face as well, and the clouds looked like the whitest snow ever. My eyes leaked a little more, but because I felt so close to God at that moment. I can't explain it at all. Even the picture doesn't do justice. I was so sick I couldn't take many, but you get the point.

It didn't go quite as expected, hoped...but some things exceeded my expectations!
First...boy I think I rode in every mode of public transportation there is almost! I was so exhausted by the time Jami picked me up at the train station. I saw her drive up in her hillbilly truck :) and out jumped De and I hugged her neck till I am sure it hurt! Then Jami popped around from the back of the truck and I just didn't want to let go. In the back seat sat the cutest babes - twins Addison and Clark! ALL smiles! All of this did my heart good!

So we get to the zoo after HAGatha (GPS LADY) drove us around in circles, and just hung out in the grass while the twins played. She planned to be there around 3. But, around 3 she texted that she is running late, she took her son to the doctor and they were sending him to the hospital for some blood work and it would be late before she could get there. She doesn't drive, so she had to take the bus everywhere.

I was exhausted, the kids were ready for a nap, all of us where ready to go. So I texted her back that we would just go to Jami's (who was around 2 hours away) and that I hoped we could meet or talk more on Friday.

I never seen so many corn fields! :) It was beautiful country side, awesome farm houses and barns and silos and such. We get to Jami's and we all fall out and go inside. Jami has a beautiful home and family. Besides the twins she has a sweet husband named CJ who made me feel so welcomed. He is a hoot haha. She also has a super cute son Alec who when I first met him was all sweaty and stinky from football practice and still was cute! Then there was Ally who was precious! She gave me a butterfly that she made, I will keep it forever! Oh and she has a son named Pony too...he is a 100+ pound hoooge pup that thinks he is a lap dog. He is an awesome dog!

It was like I had hung out with Jami and De forever. It flowed all natural like. I loved how we could kick our shoes off and laugh and talk and give physical substance to a friendship I cherish so much. De, I hadn't known her as long and as deep but she is one of those people who you just love from the get go. She is real, tells it how it is and to watch her with the twins melts your heart. They love their TeeTee!

Jami and De...beautiful in and out!

So I slept with Jami...well, not just Jami... Pony her dog slept in the middle. Did I mention he is hooge? He snored and rolled around, but for the most part he was a good bed partner. I thought I spooned with Jami, turns out Pony is a spooner! :)

That next morning, I woke up and played with the twins most of the morning. They are so precious. I laughed so hard at them. And when either of them would say "Hello Hopie" I would melt. ahhhh. I wish I had recorded it! Clark LOVES to nuggle which is sweet, and his smile just gets you to do about anything! He had to peepee so he said Hope take me. Awww. So I walked him into the bathroom and he said turn around! I was like how cute, he doesn't want to show his weewee to me. *Shoulda been my first clue, he ran around naked all morning :)* I turned around impressed, couldn't wait to share about his modesty. After about 20 or so seconds I didn't hear any pee sounds...hmm. I turned around and there he stood over a mountain of gold bond powder he squirted in the floor. I giggled and said Clark! And he looked back and swatted at the mountain until it was everywhere! HE TRICKED ME!! Sneaky lil thing!

We went to see the lawyer, he was awesome! He had pictures of his kids that he had took all over his walls! GREAT pics too. We talked a lot and he is hopeful this will be pretty easy and straightforward. Him and Jami knew some of the same people, not always a good thing haha, but at least she knew him from their boy's playing ball together and not from some crime she committed. Though there was a murder in Dixon and it wasn't me. hmmm He feels he will be able to get us temporary custody pretty quick and we can come home. But, we will have to go back up to be before a judge to sign papers later. That made me feel SOO good! He will call Rebecca this week and set up a time to meet and go over things, find the father if possible and get the legal ball really rolling.

As we were leaving, Jami gets a text from Shannon and I get one from Rebecca. Rebecca asks for Jami's address - her mom is bringing her to see me! Ohh I about lost it. I said Jami...I need to give her your address!! She looked at me like I was nuts and said that Sha knew how to get to her house. I said yes, but Rebecca doesn't!!!! She bout wrecked that hillbilly truck! Rebecca said she would be there between 6 and 7! We all were excited.

We get home and a few minutes later...Shannon and Kari walked in. Oh goodness, I hugged and hugged and hugged and cried and hugged. I even pinched Shannon a little later to make sure she was really there. We all were going to dinner, but we wanted to wait for Rebecca and hope she would go with us. We waited. And we waited. She texted me that they were behind, but about 30 minutes from the exit. Then about an hour later she texted that she needed the turn by turns so I texted them to her. She said she had one bar left and would call me from her moms phone, but they were 1 mile from the Dixon exit...2.5 miles from us! This was around 830 I guess. By 9 we knew something had happened. De and Bre left and we ordered a pizza and just hung out enjoying each other. It was soo good to see them and to just be in their presence!!

Jami, me, Kari and Shannon

After that we fell asleep on Jami's gynormous sectional. It was all good until about 2 when I started hearing about every 30 minutes MOOOOOooooooo MOOOOOOOOooo or a rooster crowing. I thought how odd of a ringer for either of them. ALL NIGHT LONG...finally after we woke up and everyone thought the other had a crazy ringer we realized the kids left toy on the table and it wasn't us. SIGH!

I left about 530 or so, CJ took me to Rockford. He was so sweet to take me and talked to me the whole way. I sat to wait for the bus and pulled out my receipt for paying for the ticket. I stand in line when the bus gets there and he puts my luggage on the bus and takes my 'receipt'. Then he hands it back and says this isn't my ticket, and he can't put me on the bus. I lost it, as he was taking others money and tickets, I just lost it. Blubbering like a fool, I said I am from NC in the middle of IL with no clue of how to get to anywhere from here. I have to fly out of Midway and can't miss the bus. He asked if I had cash...I had 5 bucks on me. He doesn't take credit or checks...I was done fore. Clear as a bell on the receipt it says THIS IS NOT YOUR TICKET grrr. I blubbered some more for him to give me my suit case back and he shuffled the wallet of money for the bus and got his own wallet out and paid for my ticket. I begged for his name so I could repay him. He wouldn't tell me. He had no badge on. He said it says I paid for a ticket and if it came off my credit card then the office would reimburse him...if not either way my ticket was paid for. I cried even harder. When we got off the bus, I asked again for his name and he said not to worry about it. Mom says he was an angel, I tend to agree.

Getting home was sweet as soon as I saw my love, he just makes everything ok in the world. The lawyer was taken aback a little that we are so close and had such a short engagement. But we KNEW! God KNEW! Almost 20 years! We are doing something right.

Well, I will think of more later...but I am so tired! Thanks again for the prayers!

I did talk to Rebecca today...she is dilated a 1 - not that that means too much ;)

What a day...

2009-09-03T19:34:00.002-04:00

Yesterday and today I have had laryngitis...yay Scott ;)

My head was hurting too and when I woke up I knew I had things to do and just felt like staying in bed.

I stayed with my little lady Monday night and Tuesday night, Wednesday morning I woke up at 5ish throwing up like crazy. I was so glad to get home and in my bed and close to my sweet husband. The money is good, she is nice but booooo I miss my hubby!!

So today was blah, I needed to call Jami to firm up our plans for next week when we see Rebecca. I had to scream into the phone almost for her to hear me haha. We talked and gabbed a bit...a little bit since my voice was just air with a garbled sound. Then Jami asked if I had talked to the lawyer about maybe doing it pro bono. Hmm, no I hadn't. So when we hung up I emailed him, just telling him about some of our issues financially and he emailed me this back...

Hope,

I am very pleased to hear from you. I understand that life sometimes puts roadblocks in our way, and would like to work with you towards your goal. Its interesting to hear this from you, because ever since we talked, I've felt very strongly that I should have offered you some alternative to the usual retainer in these type of cases. Perhaps God was speaking to me on your behalf. Who am I to question Him, after all?

I am confident we can work something out. My first idea would be to reduce the retainer to $3500.00 and have your husband build a website for me. Does that seem feasible to you? Please let me know.

How amazing is that??? I all but ... ok I did cry. That is enough to really make a difference. I love how he had thought it before I emailed him...dang it he shoulda told me so I wouldn't have been stressing so much. We are still working on all the money, but he agreed to let us pay him $2000 next week and then the rest when we come up for the birth. AHHH how awesome is our God!! and our lawyer!!!

So that made my day, along with a do do do do do moment with my mom...

She saw her friend Pat this week and Pat called her yesterday and wanted mom to pray for her to find her jewelry, a few pieces she can't find but are very expensive. She was crying and so mom prayed with her. Mom said she was praying and it was like God told her they were in a drawer. Mom told Pat as soon as she stopped praying what she felt and Pat blew it off saying she had looked everywhere in every drawer. Well, today Pat called mom...she had went to get her bra out of the drawer and just as she lifted it up there was the jewelry laying under the bra!! Pat was really laughing and crying at the same time, mom said it really feels good when God lets us know He hears our prayers. That is what I told mom, I was on my face praying most of the day yesterday for Isaac...and He heard my prayer.

I just sang this song for mom last Sunday...

Whispered Prayers

Whispered prayers
ride the wings of
holy angels from here to there
God is listening when we speak them
There is power in whispered prayers.

AMEN!!

Thank you friends/family...some strangers as well, for your whispered prayers!

On a side note, talked to Rebecca Monday and she had gained 40 pounds, the baby is great and is now estimated to be around 8 pounds when born. She is excited to meet me, as I am her. I can't wait to hug her and look in her eyes and just tell her face to face how much she means to us. I will post tons of pics :)

Benefit and randomness

2009-08-26T07:35:00.009-04:00

The benefit went great. I got a little nervous not long before it started - what if no one came and all these people made food and are coming to sing!?! People came. Family came. Friends came. Strangers came. My heart was in my throat the whole time, and I was so touched by people.

This is a small church, a wonderful small church. But the heart of the Church is huge. I never saw so many pintos in my life...I think Burke County had a hazy cloud over it after all those were eaten! There were pintos, white beans, green beans and mashed potatoes, stewed potatoes, potato salad and slaw and sweet cornbread, mexican cornbread, regular cornbread and onions and tomatoes....country girls dream dinner :)

Then...there were desserts! Ohhh Lordy! chocolate, coconut, confetti, red velvet, strawberry and pound cakes. Banana pudding - enough to feed an army and a half! I had to threaten a lady to get my piece of coconut cake - my mother in law makes an amazing one and it is my favorite. Well, I didn't threaten her - I bribed her and it worked.

There were donations by local restaurants: Fatz donated slaw. McDonalds donated cups and more cups! Sonic donated Ice - and they have the best ice EVA! Wendy's donated chili bowls. Butch's BBQ donated plates and to-go plates. I am sure there were more, but I haven't got my list from my sister in law yet to send thank you's!

I don't know how we all waddled into the sanctuary to hear the music...but we did. The pastor had to leave and my sweet daddy ran the sound and umm...well, let's just say it is a new system and if there isn't big round buttons to turn he might not get it. It was all digital with a remote and all and he just had a hard time. It added a bit of comedic relief I guess haha. The first group was my sister in law's group and they were so good.

After their first song, my nephew Jacob said out loud..."I liked that song"...was so cute - guess you had to be there haha.

Then, some people from the church got up to sing. And as the male singer was giving praise to our wonderful Saviour and how we don't know the time when He is coming...BOOOM...dad hit a button and we all thought the time had come!! It was so funny. We all jumped and laughed.

I got up to sing, I really wasn't feeling well...I think it was just stress and I didn't eat much except for dessert :). Fortunately my soundtrack was the first one on the CD I gave daddy so it was pretty easy. I made it without crying much and that was so hard, every time I would look at Scott he was crying - BIG OLE BABY! and so I had to look away. I looked at my father in law once and he tried to make me laugh...silly man. So, I focused on the cross that was at the back of the church. Peace.

My brother Todd and his group of guys sang last and they were so great. They consist of a big, tall bass, banjo and guitar. They have played together for a long time and it just flows. He sings House of Gold - an old Hank gospel song and he makes you shiver with the high notes.
My mom had me and him to sing How Great Thou Art...I love to sing with him - family harmony has just something about it. His voice is so flexible...great range and he has so much talent.

At the end of the night, Lisa gave us an envelope with 801.00. Well, 701, but a member of the church had already given us 100.00 earlier. I was blown away, little is much when God is in it!
I love my family and friends and even people I didn't know. My mother and father are amazing people and loved by so many, that some helped just because of them. I am so blessed to have the family I have, Isaac is so blessed to be coming into this family. My brother stood up telling how blessed Isaac will be to have us as parents, that he is so lucky...but we are the lucky ones. To have him and my family as ours, and to have Isaac on the way. I can't wait to share our family with him. Scott's family is amazing too, they were there for us and it meant so much to both of us. Scott's family is small but mighty!

In other news, my mom stays with this sweet lady who has Alzheimer's. A girl that works for mom is having surgery so she asked if I wanted to come stay some with her. It is easy physically. Sara cleans and bathes and all that, I just have to make sure she doesn't try to cook or that she puts her clothes on...but most of all - keep her out of the road! She has an obsession with raking her yards. She can't stand for one leaf to be out there and the road they live on is busy and she wants to rake the road/ditch/driveway too. For the most part she is quiet and sweet, but she does get agitated and it is mentally taxing to handle that and to repeat yourself over and over.

I am drawn to her though, we talk and laugh about silly things, she LOVES the Golden Girls and Animal Planet. She loves to take a ride and to show you her 'things' which are trees/yard stuff. She loves her church and every day she wants to know if they are going to the place and I tell her just like it was for the first time every time..."Sara, we don't have church today" and every time she answers..."we don't? Well, that's good." She is healthy otherwise - no medications other than a vitamin and baby aspirin. She tries to feed me constantly, and that is the biggest thing I do for her is cook and prepare her food.

She doesn't remember much that is recent - if anything. She loves dogs and has a stuffed one beside her on her chair all the time. She thinks it is real, and it is comforting to her to have it. She thinks the people on the TV are really in her house. There was a woman on the news and she yelled for her to get out of her house!!! I changed the channel!!

She remembers her husband Henry, how he was one of her favorite things. I asked her about children and she said she couldn't have any babies, she wanted them but couldn't. SIGH. I told her about Isaac and emphasized his name will have Henry in it and she just lit up. I picked some flowers from her yard and made her a little arrangement and when she came in from raking she went on and on about the things in the thing are so pretty. She just hugged my neck and she isn't very affectionate really.

Makes me really appreciate my family, life and memory...they are are fragile and sometimes fleeting.

Other than that...my back is getting better all the time, Scott is wonderful, family is great and God is still in control!

I have to get off here, my mother in law and father in law are coming for me to take them to this tomato patch to pick a bushel of tomatoes...a bushel sounds like a WHOLE lot! But they are canning them for the winter soups we all love...and spaghetti sauces too!

Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts and support.

P.S. I am heading to IL on the 9th until the 12th to see Rebecca on the 10th for her appointment! YAY and then to spend some quality time with some Divas!! These girls are some of my most precious friends that I have neglected a little lately with all that has been going on. But, I love them all so much...I wouldn't be here in this place if it had not been for them. I would have gave up, gave in, gave out a long time ago. Friends...lost without them. LOVE YOU GIRLS!

I talked to her through texts today...

2009-08-19T13:58:00.002-04:00

She wanted me to know her doctor's appointment was on the 10th. I had planned to go there next week, but her appointment changed. Good news in a way, the doctor had told her she would have appointments more frequent, every two weeks until birth. But, he changed his mind and gave her a little more time and then she will go every week.

Then, when I told her that is fine that I wanted Leslie to go with me and that might be a date she could go with me. She said she would be around if I still wanted to come next week to see her. I might go both times, I just really want to be face to face with her. We will see.

After a little chit chat about her passing her finals with flying colors and is back in the nursing program in the fall...and that she is feeling good, stuffed but good - she sent me a text asking if she could have a little time with him after he is born before she left the hospital so she could really have that time to remember. I told her yes, she could have all the time she needed with him...she is his first mother!!

She said she also had bought him a few things and then told me she had knitted two blankets for him! I was already crying and told her that he would keep them forever, and love them. I also told her that I knit and crochet too, and was working on him a blanket. The blanket I was making him has drove me nuts. I don't typically have a hard time with a pattern, but I got bored, put it down, picked it back up got lost...ugh. I looked at the bag it was in while we texted and just knew that blanket wasn't meant to be for him. I think I will make him a quilt instead so that her blankets will be the ones he clings to for a long time.

My heart just breaks thinking about her. I am very aware that my miracle and most amazing joy is in turn the source of her greatest pain. I can't reconcile it. I care for her so much already, I don't want her to go through all this, but without her selflessness I may never know the joy of being a parent, a mommy...a wife to the best daddy ever. I need your prayers to ease this guilt I am having at times.

I am so amazed at people and during hard times they still have poured out their love for us in financial ways. I joined a group called Ravelry about a year ago and quickly became friends with Rebecca...a WIP (work in progress). Her blog just is a breath of air most of the time. I love reading her. Then, I put up the chip-in thingy and it seemed like immediately she donated! She is in France with family in the states. I have never seen her, never heard her voice...just pictures and glimpses into each others lives. She amazed me and made me cry :) happy tears. Then a friend I met through an infertility group quickly followed her. Both these women are Christians and have been praying for us. Jamie is such a special person and friend. She has been where I was, and commiserating sometimes breeds the best of friendships. Thanks to both of you for your prayers and unselfish gifts.

Speaking of thank you's...amazing friends praying and helping in so many ways....THANK YOU! Family who have loved us through this, who have been creative in ways to help us reach our goals....THANK YOU! My sister in law Lisa and brother Todd for organizing this benefit...I love you, thank you so much. My brother Johnny is also having us a benefit in Valdese in September. He has a business of stage/light/sound so he is donating his stage and his connections in town to have a pretty big shin dig. His son, precious Little John is bringing his band...sniffles, I love you guys so much. I will share more information when I get it. My mom will have a 'booth' with BBQ and fixin's. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

My baby will be here soon...the countdown on the sidebar keeps my heart pounding. UGH. So long, so soon...Isaac, we love you so much...you already have our hearts wrapped around your tiny little fingers. I can't wait to place you in your daddy's arms.

Keep on prayin' people - all for HIS glory...when God gave us Isaac...we gave him back to God.

And she vowed a vow, and said, O LORD of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the LORD all the days of his life.

Humbled

2009-08-15T18:28:00.004-04:00

Things are starting to move a little financially - not as much as my heart/brain/impatient mind wants it to...but God knows what He is doing.

Rebecca and I talk nearly every week and I am flying up there on the 26th to go to a doctors appointment with her, see my Divas that live in IL and also see our lawyer! I can't wait. My heart is pounding just thinking of feeling him move...ahhhh.

My back is mostly better every day, but some days I do way too much and it reminds me that it has still been a short time since the surgery and I can't be wonder woman yet! :)

KEEP PRAYIN!

Introducing....

2009-07-26T23:19:00.006-04:00

no tease this time...

Our Isaac John-Henry Lail...still in the belly!

DIVINE!! Scott and I both cried when we got the text with his picture in it. SIGH!

I am loving life...

2009-07-21T21:41:00.006-04:00

I have so much to post, I could write 4 or 5! I think I will just do short versions of each potential post :)

I am doing better every day with my spinal cord stimulator. The first week I was a little disappointed, but I didn't show it or let it really get to me. Then I went in for the rep to reprogram it and ahhhh it started working like it should. We did all the programming with me sitting up, and when I got home I went to lay down and I lit up like a Christmas tree! Until the leads get more permanent and settled they will change position. Like when I raise my arm, turn my head or my body...and when I lay down! (Sneezing is a little traumatic as well!) So I lay back and I froze. Scott was near by but indisposed if you know what I mean (potty time). I call out his name and my brain scrambled and I didn't know what to do! Then I rolled a little and it started to lessen and I finally pulled myself up. I totally now understand why I can't drive with it turned on!!! It is funny now, but at that time not at all. Fortunately, I have 8 programs to use and that was just 4 of them that wigged out on me. I haven't walked through a grocery store in almost 2 years. I used one of those electric chair things - reluctantly since I got that pride thing going on. This past Friday, I met up with an old classmate/friend and his wife and we walked the car show in Valdese. I felt on top of the world. I hurt, but not to the point that I had to stop...which used to be about 5 minutes into a 'walk' and I guess we walked around for 30-45 minutes!! Then the next day we went to see Scott's mom and dad and we all went to Sams. I looked at the cart and said nope...and I walked for an hour in Sams! I almost cried - so did Scott...because I can shop again :) You never think about things like that until you can't do them. YAY ME! I was very sore the next day, but it was worth it.

As I mentioned up there, we met up with a classmate from junior high and high school. He was always so nice and funny. He was just always one of the good guys. His name is Scott too, but my Scott and him are like polar opposites when it comes to size...was really funny in my head when they shook hands. His wife Sherry and I met separate from him. I had a myspace account and I am not sure what I had up as my status, a verse from the Bible I think. But, she sent me a message and a friend request and we started talking a little. And somehow I found out that her soon to be husband was Scott my friend from school! Such a small world. It was so great to see them and to finally hug Sherry's neck. She had this bright smile that just could light you up. She has prayed me through a lot since we have 'met'. We laughed and walked and talked and it just felt like we were old friends. And I love his old Chevy nova...sweet ride. We even saw another classmate there and it felt like a reunion haha.
Have I mentioned how much I love facebook and how many friends/family I have rediscovered on there!
We visited a new church this past Sunday and really liked it. I lived in the community where it is all my life until I got married. But, my dad was a pastor so I went to church wherever my poppy was. I still love to hear him preach. When we walked in we felt right at home. Everyone was so nice and the pastor delivered a great message about Phillip and the eunuch. How the Holy Spirit will direct you to someones chariot (or mess, situation, valley) and we should be like Phillip and take the Holy Spirit's lead. He also pointed out that when He leads you to someone, that the Holy Spirit is already at work in their lives as well. I thought of Rebecca and how some things could have really made me not want to be in her 'chariot'. But, it has been such a blessing to me, to her and to others that I know that had I not answered when God said this is it...I would have missed out on my son, on the happiness he and Rebecca has brought to me. I know the Holy Spirit has been working in her life as well. She told me when she was in rehab she prayed when she hadn't in a long time.
Speaking of Rebecca, we talked again last week and her brother did pretty good during his open heart surgery. He is 8! There was a scare just after surgery, he started bleeding into his chest cavity and they had to go back in and find the bleed. They did and this was Tuesday last week, and he was home Saturday. We talked for a long time, about her family and about us coming to see her soon. I asked her if she could schedule her next OB appointment at a time I could come and hear his heartbeat and maybe see him on the screen. I told her if it wasn't OK, I totally would understand. You can hear her voice change and she said she would love to do that. She has her next appointment on July 28th and will schedule her following appointment on the last Thursday of August or the first Thursday of September. Leslie might be able to go with me if we only have to be gone a couple work days. We talked about her sons and how much she loves spending time with them, but they can be overwhelming right now. She is still sober, she takes her classes through the rehab every week day, she has a job, she has to meet with her counselor regularly and on top of it all she is pregnant. She is going back to school for nursing as well. Whew - that just makes me tired. I told her we were going to stay a little longer there than what will probably be required. We want her to be able to get some closure sort of. I told her that I didn't mean she would never see him again, but I know being so close after his birth that she might need it. And once we leave it might be a while til she sees him again in person. She didn't have to but that was an option. I told her that when we do come home we will be overwhelmed with family and friends and having a few extra days with him, just Scott and I will be a beautiful time for us. She said again that when she meets him when he is older, he could call her aunt or friend or cousin. I told her that I had thought about that and we are telling Isaac about her, how much she loved/loves him how he wasn't abandoned or tossed away. When he is old enough to really understand and she gets to see him, I think it should be up to him and her what he calls her. She cried and said that us being so open with her and letting her keep in touch makes this easier. I cried hearing her pain, but also because I know her pain takes mine away. I stare at her son's picture she sent every day thinking Isaac could look like him. I can't wait for real pictures, for touches and kisses and whew...don't get me started.
Yesterday, I got the first gift for Isaac. Jen my sister in law and my brother in law Chris had been to Myrtle Beach and they brought back 2 sweet sweet shirts for him. I just lost it. But, then she handed me a diaper bag filled with bottles, nipples, t-shirts and sleepers. It caught my breath. I can't tell you how many times I have picked the shirts up and just hugged them, something tangible, something he will wear. Tears could soak them, tears of so much love for him. I can just picture him in some little jeans wearing them. I can't explain how it felt...I am sure some of you moms understand. I have waited so long to be here, to be a mommy in my heart, to know that God is giving me my hearts desire. I don't deserve it. I know so many women - wonderful women who should be mommies and are empty. I was there for 18 years, it is a sad, lonely place. But one tiny little boy has erased all that pain, 18 years of tears and ache and heartbreak just dissolved away with the selflessness of one woman. WHEW!
Today, mom and I went to have lunch with my aunt Louise, cousin Lori and her daughter Courtney. They are so special to me in so many ways. Lori cut moms hair while Louise and I caught up. They are some prayer warriors let me tell you! I had walked outside to see Sandy, a yellow lab that we gave them, and her puppies - SOO CUTE! I came back in and they were in a circle holding hands and crying out to Jesus on our behalf, on the behalf of other family members. You just could feel the spirit of God in the room. I pray silently, I have always felt my words fail me when I pray out loud...but these women pray from their hearts and it just gives me chills! I love them so much. We decided to not let months go by without being together so on the third Tuesday of every month - it is our day. We go there, they come here...it just has to happen every month! Ya'll can come with me, the more the merrier!
I guess that is it...enough eh? Just think if I had wrote a long post about each of those! Well, here are some pictures for your enjoyment from today.

Mom, me and Aunt Louise (Mom's sister in law)

ain't they sweet!

Courtney took this...she was a little shaky :)
Cousin Lori and me

This is Courtney, the sweetest girl. We hit it off from the get go a few years ago and she is just so special to me. She got her braces off this year and just got her license - I am so scared!

This is Sandy. Ya'll might remember her from a long ago post. This dog is/was on puppy crack, she was a year old though and still was all puppy! HYPER and couldn't sit still for nothing. She wanted to play constantly! We got her when mom had her open heart surgery and mom came to stay with me. Well, Sandy in her big ole self nearly knocked her down. My cousin Lori took her for her son Anthony. Well, he got Elvis - a black lab and bred her and she has calmed a little since being a mommy but not much. They make pretty babies! She had 9 puppies! Anthony has sold them all and used the money to get his apartment the way he likes it (really it is an apartment above the garage at his mom and dads...but he says it is better than a bedroom in their house). He is a sweetheart and such a good boy! He graduated this year.

OK, the only picture of a black one because I was so in love with the tan one with blue eyes, and the chocolate one as well.

How precious is this!! Next litter I get the pick of it and I can't wait. I could have this time but Chris never said yes - was gonna let him have it, and I knew I couldn't handle a puppy right now. Isaac's first puppy awwwwwwwwwwww!

A peak at what he is going to look like...

2009-07-08T17:41:00.003-04:00

Today, I spoke with Rebecca and it is so comfortable to talk to her - like an old friend. Though, I get excited when we talk about how close it is getting. She just amazes me.
Well, I can't post the picture really...but -

She sent me a picture of her 2 year old and wow...he is a doll. He has this curly light brown hair and bright green/brown eyes and a smile that would melt anyone. We both hope he looks like his brother...soooo cute.

I sent her a text telling her how happy he looks. She sends me this back...

"Your baby will be too!" Ahhhh my baby.

My heart is about to explode!

And my brain is too. I am overwhelmed with lists now....SO much to do before he gets here!

Ya'll will have to share all your mommy to be advice!

Lasts and firsts

2009-07-05T18:59:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, like a lot of people we celebrated July 4th. Independence day. Nothing big, we just hung out with Scott's parents and brother and family. I was feeling like crud and our plans changed at the last minute.

But, as we sat out in the yard watching my father in law light fireworks for the kids it hit me. This is my last 4th of July without my child. I won't ever look at fireworks the same. It was the last time where how I was feeling came first in deciding how to spend this holiday. Unless I am bed ridden, every holiday will be spent to the fullest with my child. AHHH MY CHILD...have sweeter words every been spoken? Not yet...when I hear the first I love you mommy...or heck the first mammmmma will be the sweetest then every word coming out of his mouth will be cherished by this mommy to be.

Every day until he is with us will be one more of 'the last of's'. Whew...

Then after he is with us, our life will be a never ending plethora of firsts. I can't wait for the first touch, the first kiss, the first breath of air that we will share, the first time I hold him, the first time I see Scott holding his son, the first time we fall asleep with him snuggled between us, the first time he smiles...

I just realized in just 95+/- days he will be here. Holy crap I need to make lists of things to do!

Week in review...

2009-07-05T01:33:00.002-04:00

gonna bullet this week out...so I don't forget anything.

Monday - 6 am (well 620 since I slept through my alarm clock!) I get to the hospital to settle in for my spinal cord stimulator. It really was pretty uneventful at first, no problems getting the IV in, the warm blankets felt soooo good, my nurses were great, my doctors came in smiling and in great moods, my new BFF (HAHA) - the rep for my box came in smiling as well, the anesthesiologist eased my concerns about me being put to sleep in just a twilight sleep. (I was a little freaked out thinking I might wake up when they were doing the big stuff! But they needed me awake for placing the leads to make sure they were in the right place.) It started out pretty good. But umm then...it just kinda went down hill. I don't remember anything once they got me into the OR. I remember thinking my doctor is cute and dang it he is gonna see my butt and boobies...SIGH!
I wake up in recovery and am bawling. The pocket he made for the stimulator (looks like a pacemaker) hurt like crazy. I couldn't stop crying! CRAZY. Anyways, they have me there trying to make sure now that I am awake that the leads are still in place and I am getting coverage in all the right places. The rep cranks it up and WAMMO...the left leg lights up. Nothing in the right leg. I cringe. My right leg/side is the main reason for this box and it wasn't getting any of the sensations. She turned it 10 ways to Sunday and still none/very little on the right. Dr. P was puzzled as in the OR when they were putting it in the left had no coverage. They took me to x-ray and the leads hadn't moved. So, they programmed me and told me that when the swelling goes down and such, that it should start working normal. *I freaked out when I got home...I don't remember ANYTHING from the surgery...what if I was so out of it I lied inadvertently to him saying my right was covered instead of my left. I am still worried that is what happened!!!*
The doctors leave me, the nurses trying their best to cover my pain and nausea. I am still crying like a baby. I just can't stop! I turn over in the bed multiple times. I kick the covers off at one point I was hot. My eyes are so swollen from crying I can't really open them. My blood pressure is very low and it made me a little loopier than normal. About 3 hours into recovery I realized that my gown was just laid across me - my arms were not in it. My boobs were out there for anyone to see!! Scott wasn't paying any attention. Doctors, patients, patients families walking by getting a show. I wondered why the nurse kept covering me up...I was like dang I am hot...stop that. I thought that, I didn't say it. Yeah, not my finest moment.
I guess it was 5ish and I wanted to go home. The nurse said if I was ready I could. So I sat up and started putting clothes on and then I stood up to pull my shorts up and I almost hit the floor. Nausea, dizzy, weak...not fun! My nurse came in and checked my blood pressure and it was 70/40!!!! Needless to say I stayed a bit longer, drinking fluids and eating a few crackers. Finally it got up a little and Scott was able to take me home to his parents.
I get there and crashed in their bed, to wake up a little later to about 8 itchy places on my legs and torso. I thought bug bites, but not sure why I was the only one. And they were like blisters more than anything else. But, I stuck with bug bites and my fearless protector did kill a tiny little ant while he played some cowboy game on the xbox.
The next day I woke up to a sore throat. I thought hmm, I must have snored a lot while not using my ~~crap~~ C-pap mask. Running a low grade temp, but thought it was just my body responding to surgery.
Wednesday I wake up and the blister like things on my legs/torso are red around them and hard. Not bug bites. Then that night I found the flashlight and looked in my mouth...EEEEK! White little blister like things all over the roof of my mouth and a few sores on my tongue. Temp was a little higher but not over 101.
Thursday I had a dressing change appointment with Dr. P. Everything looked good under the bandages. Yes, bandages...what I thought would be one incision ended up being 2 due to having difficulty getting one of the leads in...GRR. I showed him my 'sores' on my body and the things in my mouth and he thought strep maybe, but said I should see my primary care physician.
Ok, I call my PCP and it is Thursday...they are closed Friday so they were slammed and couldn't see me. I was scared it was strep and that it might be like last time and I end up with a picc line and IV antibiotics for 6 weeks. So the nurse said to to express care/ER. We go and sit for about 4 hours. To have a PA come in and say, just to cover any issues let's just give you an antibiotic. WHAT? He hadn't even seen what I had going on. Scott and I flipped out a little and he sent us over to the ER side. That doctor knew my history of an infection at the surgical site and he ordered blood work, cultures and swabbed my throat. He gave me a shot in the butt too :( for pain and nausea.
The rapid strep came back negative. My sed rate was 64 but my cell count was mostly normal. He did give me an antibiotic.
Friday when I woke up, my throat was so much worse. My hangy down thing was so swollen it was making me gag. It looked like someone had a snow ball fight in my mouth!! I think it looks more like thrush/yeast. So, I started doing salt water gargles and today did vinegar. The vinegar seems to be the most helpful - that and throat spray. Food sucks, it hurts so much to swallow.
I am eating yogurt to hopefully help with the yeast, and it feels good on my throat. Temp is still up and down....crazy thing. My mysterious lesions on my body are going away - Thank you God!
Good news is, other than the surgical pain my back is feeling better. I really think this was just the miracle I needed to get to feeling better. Even though it is like I got a pacemaker in my butt.

Can't sleep dang it. I took meds to help with that and I just got a lot on my mind I guess. When sleep does come I am sure it will be deep and good.

Scott didn't get his wish that this box had a mute button - HA!

I really am excited that this 'bionic' status will make my life much better. It is crazy how it works, but I am glad it does. I wonder how someone thought this up? Well, they are my hero!

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts during the past two years. 4 surgeries on my back, 1 D&C, lots of medications and doctors appointments has been a long journey. Things happen for a reason I know, all of this was part of a plan that He has for my life.

Ooo it is after 2 am, gotta go to sleep or else I won't get up for church tomorrow and I need church...I have a lot to be thankful for!

Friends...can make everything alright!

2009-07-05T00:37:00.002-04:00

Last weekend we spent time with some old friends...well, they ain't old but we have known each other forever. You know a friendship is real and tough, when you get together and you just pick right up where you left off. Our moves to Myrtle Beach kind of caused us to lose touch. We still saw each other at Christmas and such but it just wasn't the same.

Then over the last 2 years, through all my health drama...I developed an anti-social way of life and barely let anyone in. Even some family were not in that inner circle of who I thought I needed. Not because I didn't need them - I just needed (well, I thought I needed this) to keep everyone at arms length. Leslie, my Divas and my mother in law were about it ... well, other than Scott. It is hard to explain but I hated laying all my issues on other people, and so those few got it all - and handled it lovely I might add.

*I feel bad even typing that...looking back I know I hurt family and friends by not letting them help or even be there for me to just listen. I don't know if I could have done it differently. Even looking back at it, I just don't think I could have been my normal self. It was more self-preservation I think. It was like if I don't tell it all to everyone - maybe it won't feel so real and sad. Hard to explain :(

Anyways, since the first-ish part of the year I have been letting walls down and feeling more like myself. I am glad that some family didn't give up on me. We were still feeling kind of 'lonely'.

Before we moved to the beach, we had friends from work and friends from family. People we just did things with. Then we get to the beach and fell in love with the Huggins. We did so much together and some nights did nothing at all but eat sugar cookies and watch TV. We had friends from my work too and other church friends so we felt normal (normal for us).

So, now with me not working SIGH, my girly friendships are at an all time low. I missed Leslie and Burt, and all our friends in Myrtle Beach so much. We haven't found our church yet here, so those bonds are still not formed. Then...it happened. I don't even know how it all came about really...but our good friends from years ago and us spent some time together having a yard sale. Then, we planned a get together and went to their house to swim and enjoy each others company. And there we were, like there never was a gap in our friendship time line.

When we were having dinner that night, laughing and cutting up...it all hit me and I almost lost it. I missed this, missed hanging out and that the past two years have felt like I was standing still in some lonely little place. Physically, I couldn't do much and knew I would be a drag to anyone. But, the hope of getting better was stronger than ever. That hope has brought the old me back out.

Sometimes it is hard to make real good friends too. Scott and I are not really the most normal couple in all the world (no comments from the peanut gallery please). We don't go out dancing and drinking and parties. We never have. Dinner, movie and a game or two is our idea of a great evening. Crashing on the couch talking about celebs, reality TV...any ole thing is a great night too. I forgot how it all felt...it has been that long!!

So hanging out with TW and Tammie felt like 'home'. Their daughter Briana is 17 and so beautiful. Not just on the outside, she is a good girl all the way around. She preferred to hang out with us and her parents that night than to go to a friends party. She is just like that, Tammie and TW are so blessed.

And, just to clarify ... Tw is my dad's brothers son. So yeah, we are cousins but more than that - we are friends.

I wish I could have been more Hope-like when I was so down, I know that all the hard times would have been more tolerable. But, hindsight is 20/20.

The moral of this story children is this...try not to let the situation control you. It can alienate you from some people that love you and want to be there for you.

Not only have we started to feel normal enough to hang out with friends, our families have been fun to hang out with too. We had a bon-fire at my brothers last weekend and it was so much fun. We spent time with our Lail's today and I can't tell you what it meant to me to see Scott and Chris working on a project together. I tormented them by asking repeatedly if they were done yet, but seeing them together was so special.

Well, that is it for this post....several more rattling around in my brain. I am bionic by the way...EEEK!

My Poppy

2009-06-21T18:29:00.006-04:00

My mother even tells that I am a daddy's girl. From the time I was a little girl I can remember loving time with him. Some of my earliest memories of daddy/daughter time was centered around fishing. That love is still there.

I was two or three and he took me fishing and I was restless. So he handed me the carton of worms (yeah...grosses me out to think about it too now) and I took them and tied them into knots - not enough to kill or hurt them...just sweet lil knots. He tells the story to this day, always with a big smile on his face.

I love to watch him throw this net to catch shad...he is so good at it! Santee Cooper in SC is his favorite place to fish!

When my hands got big enough to take fish off the hooks, he taught me how. He was so proud of me when I took my first crappie off the hook. But, he has never let me take my catfish off - he has always been so scared of me getting stung. He has four sons, but his favorite fishing buddy has always been me.

There are so many wonderful things I love about my poppy. He has this fierce love for his family and will do anything within his power to take care of us. He is so smart, he is creative and boy he has a talent for growing vegetables. He has such a giving heart, everything he grows he shares with anyone who needs it. So many qualities about him just makes you love him. But most of all - he love God. He has served our Lord in so many ways in his life time. Growing up he took us to church any time the doors were open. He pastored a church for all of my childhood and most of my adulthood. He got the family together and we sung at different churches, he would come home from work and no matter how tired we went to sing or to hear him preach.

To hear him pray is so heart touching, he just pours his heart out. When I am sick, I still call him and ask him to either pray with me or to come and pray over me.

His voice is shaky now, but he used to have this strong singing voice. He has a little lisp too...which is so cute.

He is 77 now, he doesn't pastor but he still preaches. His health is not so good, but twice a week he goes to the prison to teach and preach with the inmates. Once a month he goes on Sunday night to sing and preach a message to them. Monday nights he has a Bible study at the house, he is a Revelation know it all sometimes :) He works harder now than he did when he was younger!! But, it keeps him busy and going. He loves it. His heart is with the prisoners who are in a place that Mark was at. He wishes someone had been there like that for Mark.

He takes a stand and isn't afraid to defend it, but he also is open to the fact that he can be wrong. But, if it is Bible based - you will have a fight on your hand to change his mind.

He is my hero in so many ways. He is the only one that can call me Hopeless and really get away with it. He is a hugger. He calls out of the blue just to see how I am and say "I love you". He is tender hearted, and hurts when I hurt. To see the tears in his eyes on Mother's day when he announced that his baby girl was celebrating her first mother's day was enough to make me cry again just thinking about it.

My water pipes break - call daddy.
My car has a problem - call daddy.
My A/C is acting up - call daddy.
My heart is hurt - call daddy.
My prayers feel useless - call daddy.
Time to go fishing - call daddy.
Need some green beans - call daddy.
Want some love - call daddy.

What is wonderful as well - Scott loves him just as much. And my daddy loves him too. They could have been father and son. They both love fishing, working on cars, piddling with things.

Today, my poppy was the oldest father in church. In my eyes, and Scott's...he was the best as well. I love him. There are no words to express how much it means that Isaac is coming soon so I can share my poppy with him. That little boy will know how much my daddy loves him and how much I hope he gets to learn how to take a fish off the hook and learns all about Jesus from his poppy.

He can be so silly!

He loves his family so much - this is a bunch of us - not all!

Quick update...

2009-06-17T14:58:00.002-04:00

I just got off the phone with the lawyer - Jami he is SO nice. He answered all my questions and even though I was nervous lol, you could tell he was smiling at times and is really confident that this will all go smoothly. He says that when birth mom and adoptive mom find each other makes for the best adoptions.

He told me a lot of things that have to be done between now and October. He made me at ease about the father issue. He said that they put an announcement in the Sun times and Chicago tribune that the baby is going to be born and they have X amount of days to respond. He will call her and get things rolling with her, paperwork and such. There will be a lawyer for the baby as well. I have to have the homestudy and all that will be done here through DSS.

We talked about finances *gulp* It is a lot, but God is gonna make a way - I have no doubt. We have to have a 5k retainer for him before he does anything. The home study is 1500-2000. The baby's lawyer will be about 1500-2000. Filing paperwork and such down here will be about 500. Sooo, anyone got 10k laying around anywhere they just don't need LOL.

Extreme range of emotions but I have to have faith that God brought us here, He is gonna see us through it all. But as my mamma says, prayers need legs sometimes and we are going to work our tooshies off to make every dime. So pray for our finances and for my final surgery on the 29th - I will be bionic! *insert six million dollar man sound effects here*

Heading to Hickory to eat with the family...suhweeeeeet!

p.s. if anyone has any suggestions on raising this much money quickly (and legally) I would appreciate any information.

His plan...

2009-06-16T23:03:00.005-04:00

I know it has been a while since I posted. I admit that I got discouraged for a bit. I hadn't heard from her. I sent her letters with no response. I had no clue how else to get in touch with her.

Hope, God has a plan.

One minute I would have so much peace about it all. I just knew everything would turn out ok, then like a thief doubt set in. It stole pieces of that peace every chance it got. Ever day that passed - I worried.

I have a plan. Love, God.

One Saturday we were heading out to Ida Hope's first birthday party. We never check the mail early in the day - our mailperson takes lunch from 12-4 so we know she hasn't been here. (I think I am joking about the lunch.) But, we check the mail. Going out of our driveway it is on my side of the car. I pull out the mail - junk, bill, junk, sales paper, magazine, junk...envelope. Her name is written on it. Funny...looks like my writing - how cool we have the same....wait. It IS my hand writing. My first letter since the adoption portfolio was returned to me. Big red letters RTS written across it with a stamp saying no forwarding address.

I knew today before the first second ticked away, plans are unfolding working perfectly. Love, God.

I crashed. I couldn't breathe. This sent me over the edge. I wasn't sure if she had sent it back to me, or if she left the rehab and didn't give an address. All sorts of things ran through my mind and heart - none of them good. BREATHE, I kept telling myself. Scott was the same but different. Men...if they one time would just react like a woman they wouldn't keep it all in! I don't know how I made it through this party. Staring at this beautiful little one year old. I really don't remember it all. I walked into my parents house and Scott walked over to hug me and I said no...I will crumble. I can't breathe.

Trust Me, I am your God.

We finally were able to leave and in the car it all started to come out. I didn't want to go home. It was like if I go there, I know what will happen. I will curl up and feel it all. I was angry at God. I asked Him why. I yelled at him HOW! I told Him I wasn't talking to Him for now, well except to tell Him I wasn't talking to Him. My heart might have, but not on purpose. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to hear..."God has a plan for you", "It just wasn't meant to be", "pray about it". So we didn't tell anyone. We stopped for limeades and then I told Scott I just wanted to crash in the bed with him. Just hold each other until the rage of it all had passed. So we did that. My husband sobbed. He did more so for me than for anything. I can't express how much this man hurts for me when I hurt. It takes my breath.

You can yell at me, ask me why and be angry. I can take it. I will ease your pain, but you have to trust Me.

I woke up the next morning with a little more control of my feelings and was a little more rational about it. What if? hmmm what if she is out and they really don't have her address. But it has been weeks and no call. What if things are so crazy for her and she thinks we are all good. Hope crept back in. It didn't drown out the blaring doubt, but it was hope none the less. We didn't go to church - still angry so I just showed him by not going to church...yeah that worked. We went to the mountains for the pig pickin, listening to 106.9. Christian station and a song came on about praising Him in the storm. I flipped the channel to 88.1 Joy FM...gospel station. There was a song about Him being a mountain mover. Every song applicable to this situation. Scott and I both wept.

I am here, can't you hear Me...I'm calling out your name. Always, God.

The pig pickin was lovely. The McCurry's are some of the best people you will know. The weather was perfect. It was Italy's birthday and she was beautiful. We knew she had a birthday party that evening too, but we wouldn't miss it no matter the storm inside. We headed back down the mountain for a quick nap before the party and I e-mailed Jami. I told her about the letter and how we felt it was over. I freaked her out I am sure. She emailed me back saying that she would talk to De and Bre and see what they could find out.

Don't be afraid, I am with you - I am your God.

We went to Italy's party and fell in love with her all over again. She is precious. It was good to see family, Keta's family who are such warm beautiful people. We didn't stay too long, I was emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted. We went home and I clicked on facebook and there was a message from Jami. I hear God answered prayers. I sent her back Huh? I don't know what you are talkin bout Willis! Then the phone rings. It was Jami. Out of the clear blue, not really God did it...Rebecca called Breann. They told her I was worried and she said she called and left me a message. I have zero signal in the mountains! She said she just knew things with me were settled for one, but she has been so busy since getting out. She got her house, and got her youngest son back and then all the meetings and such she has...she has been overwhelmed. AHHhhh OUCH...God just smacked my butt hard.

Hope, I am working things for your good. I love you and never want you to hurt.

Well, my heart was ok...I felt foolish, spent a lot of time on my knees begging for forgiveness. I wish doubt wasn't so strong. I wish my faith was stronger. I called her back and left a message to call when she could. It was so great to hear her voice. It was great to give family and friends the good news. Jami found me a lawyer and I emailed him to see if he would take our case. What on earth would I do without her. He emailed me and told me to call him this week. Monday came. I hadn't heard from her. Hmm...*knock knock - doubt and despair calling*...I opened the door and let them right in! So today at the urging of you guessed it...Jami...well, a few other wonderful friends too...I called her.

Hope did you forget Psalms 27:14? Wait on me, be of good courage and I will strengthen your heart.

It was a beautiful conversation. I first asked her how she was, how things were with her son and how the baby was doing. She is doing good, tired but good. Her son is amazing and a hand full, who reminds her every day why this is the right decision. We chit chatted some. Her little brother (8) is having open heart surgery in July and she is spending a lot of time with him too. (Pray for him) She never got my message...she is having phone issues. I told her of my anxiety and she said Hope, I won't change my mind. Please know that. *heart skipped*

We talked about her family and her parents are behind her decision 100%. They both are doctors and with a sick child and their jobs...they can't take another child. We talked about the father. She said he won't want a baby and will not be an issue. *FAITH HOPE...FAITH* I told her that I had spoken to a lawyer and was it ok to give him her number....she immediately said YES! I will give him all he needs. I asked her if it was ok for us to talk, if she would prefer to go through the lawyer exclusively that was up to her. She said she wants to talk to me, and I could call her any time I wanted. I asked her about the type of adoption she wanted - open, closed?? Before she answered, I told her that Scott and I would accommodate her however much contact or such she needed. Whatever felt right in her heart was what we wanted. She said she wanted pictures and updates. That if we did meet, she basically wanted to be called Aunt Rebecca. My heart broke and healed in like 2 seconds. It broke for her, for this situation...but was healed when she said you are the mommy.

Nothing is impossible for Me Hope, with men maybe, but not Me!

Our conversation continued a bit then she said...I have a question for you. I gulped. I about blurted out ..."OK OK...I am addicted to playing farmtown on Facebook and If you give me Ketchup I will put it on nearly everything"...thinking I was about to be asked some daunting secret or something. Then she said..."I asked my gynecologist if it would be possible to schedule the birth. I was hoping that you and Scott could come here when the baby is born. I want you to take him home from the hospital". Can you just hear my heart singing?? I said "yes, we want to be there, we were hoping it would be ok with you". She was glad, she was afraid I wouldn't want to be there. Then she said would it be too weird for you to be in the room with me? I about screamed. I had to rope in all those emotions and calmly said I would be honored, would love to. My mind wandered to him being placed in my arms. SIGH

I told you so I told you so...nanananan...wait that was Jami not God this time.

I was on such a high from it all. I told her she was amazing. She said she knows this is right, she knows this was from God. She said she was feeling hopeless and Breann told her about me...then she found out my name was Hope and she said she knew God orchestrated this. Her family knows. I told her about how her name and his name connected and she said SEEE...God! You are in NC, I am in IL and there is no other way we would have found each other without HIM. It touched me so much to give my sweet Jesus the credit.

She wants to see me when I go in August to see the lawyer and visit with Jami and hopefully Kari and Shannon and De and Bre. I am so in love with her and our son. I felt so inclined to put up a baby ticker :) I finally let Scott read the letters that I have written to Isaac. No more doubt will take away one second of this love and excitement. My God is a mountain mover and I know He has a plan.

On a side note, watching the Rebekah's go through the last 24 hours has moved me to tears more than once. Please pray for them all. So happy for them. Our stories are both miracles. Not the normal way a baby is brought into a mother's life. God's fingerprints are every where.

I promise to keep updates more frequent and will post pictures of the one year olds soon!

Thank you for the prayers.

Wow

2009-05-10T22:44:00.004-04:00

Sometimes words just can't express love, beauty, peace and contentment. So WOW will have to do I guess.

For at least 18 years now, Mother's day has marked a day of exclusion for me. It was a day that I dreaded. I tried to feign sickness or convenient trip. I rarely made it through the church service. If I did, I was usually drained for the rest of the day, unable to even work up any excitement to celebrate the two most important mothers in my life.

Today was different.

I looked forward to going to the service, to spend the day with my mom. And really, my first thought was not that Isaac is within reach - I guess this whole situation has released that pain, has healed it really.

Since learning of Rebecca and Isaac, I have tried to avoid my pain medications - I just don't want to miss a moment of this. I have smiled more, have lived more, have planned more than I have in a very long time. I have thought about getting out of the house to spend time with family and friends, I cherish ever moment even more with Scott. This feeling is amazing and I don't want to let it go even for a second.

The majority of people that I have told about this blessing have been excited for us, but cautiously so. Usually the first thing said is - is this for sure, what are the risks. I don't blame them, I have asked the same. I love that they are thinking of our hearts and the ache that is a possibility. I tell them about the 72 hours after Isaac is born, Rebecca has every right to change her mind. We are not naive, we know the risks. But, if I was stuck on that - I wouldn't be able to enjoy this feeling, this journey. I have to put my faith in Him and even if tomorrow came and the journey ended, nothing could take away the happiness and hope we have enjoyed these last few weeks. This feeling that my son is a few months from being in my arms is worth the risk, the love I feel is worth the risk.

I haven't went out and bought everything imaginable for a nursery YET, but we will :). My sci fi loving husband wants to do a space ship nursery...haha. I think a primary color car/train/plane/truck theme would be awesome. I loved Burt and Leslie's nursery and it is along those lines. We will see I guess.

Anyway, today I went to my parents church. As always, flowers were made available for the mothers. They did it a little different; the mothers went up front to get their rose and I just didn't feel that I was ready for that. (HAHA, you will get my laughter in a minute). So I smiled, sat there enjoying watching my mother get hers. All had laughs when the oldest mother got her extra lil something...mom missed it by only 3 years. She used to get the most kid one, but I was her only babe there this Sunday.

I am always asked to sing when I go to their church, and usually I do without much prodding. But, I tried not to today. But, if you could see my moms sweet lil face, you would just give in too!! I had picked out a song - kinda random at first - but when I got up to sing it clicked as to why God and Scott selected this song. The Whisnants sing 'Is anything too hard for God?', and I was comfy with it, practiced it a few times. I get up there and tell him track 3 on the disc. I start singing and feel the emotion of it all catching up to me. I start the second verse and the words popped me in the heart. 'Only believe, trust His word you'll see. His plans are now unfolding, performing perfectly. It's clear how much He loves you, just look at all He's done...' and I was done. I can't remember ever choking up completely in a song - but today was the day.

I turned to the pastor and asked him to stop the music. I am not one to speak much publicly, I get so tongue tied. I turned to the congregation and started telling them the story, the beautiful amazing, miracle of a story about our winding road to Isaac. People were crying with me, people were saying amen. I don't remember all I said but ended it with NOTHING is too hard for my God.

I turned to give the mic to the pastor and walk back to my seat and my dad (who sits on the front row) stopped me. I thought he was gonna sing at first. Then he walked past me a little and grabbed a beautiful deep red rose from the basket. He looked out at the church and said today was his daughters first Mother's day. He hugged me and we cried and they he asked for the pastor and the church to pray over this rose and to pray for Scott, myself, Rebecca and Isaac. Boy did they pray. It will be one of the most beautiful memories of my daddy.

I took my rose today.

I sat down beside Scott, who had tear stains on his pretty blue shirt. I love him.

The sermon was about mothers of course. But, it was for me. He told us how we should tell our mother's how much we love them and appreciate them. Then he spoke on how God knew who our mothers would be before we were even born. *the kicker* That just because a woman gives birth to a child doesn't necessarily mean that is who God has chosen to be the babies mother. *sniffle* They prayed again for us before we left. Prayer changes things, God is still on the throne.

Beautiful day.

After church, my mother had a wonderful rest of her day. It has been years, due to sad circumstances, since my mother has had all her children together in her home. Today she cooked the best beef roast I have ever eaten...super moist and tender. Actually my daddy made it now that I think of it. She made a big ham too, both were done in a crock pot I think then put in the oven and the outsides were crispy - YUM DE DUM! Dad fussed said we should have taken her out to eat - which I offered. But, she wanted to have the family at home. And she did. It was wonderful, there was no tension that is usually felt. People talked and laughed. Children and a dog under foot the whole time. Chickens outside being silly and close to fighting...crazy chickens.

The whole family wasn't there as far as grand kids and spouses but mom had her boys and her girl. The only one missing was Mark. And he was there too. This day is hard on a mother who has lost a child...more so than one who doesn't have one I would expect.

When I left mom's I went and fell in love with a yard full of puppies. My brother's dog had 8....he refers to her now as the real octo mom haha. They are sickeningly cute! NO HOPE NO!

After getting home, I turned on the TV to just hear something mindlessly while I cleaned on my bedroom a little. It was a Christmas movie - Fred Claus. Scott came in at the end and watching it had us both bawling one of those ugly cries. Nothing bad, just believing that this will be our first Christmas as mom and dad. SIGH

Beautiful day.

The most comical part of it is this...ooo I hope Scott doesn't read this. Little back history. Scott is not a golfer. He wants to golf, but it is a risky dangerous sport for him and I think he should try bungee jumping or race car driving ... something safer than Golf!

A few years ago, he went golfing with his brother Chris. Not knowing how dangerous this sport was, I didn't have him take out any extra insurance or write me a good by letter just in case. A few hours later he returns with his hands wrapped up and in obvious pain. He went to swing at the ball, on the tee and dug a 8 inch hole with the driver. He fractured both hands! Only Scott.

So tonight I am on the phone with Misti - a lovely almost 2 hour chat and I hear Scott huffing and puffing as he walks into the bedroom. Sounded like he had ran a marathon or something. I turn to look at him and there he stood with his t-shirt in one hand and in the other....a broken driver golf club. I was scared a little not knowing what happened...and here is how it went.

"gasp, gasp, sigh, gasp"

"Honey?? Are you ok??"

unable to speak Scott shakes his no head between gasping.

"What happened?"

gasp

"I"

gasp

"was"

gasp

"attacked!"

ooo the thoughts that ran through my mind, an intruder, huge dog, Sabre tooth lion...I was really a little worried at this point.

"ATTACKED?? BY WHAT??"

gasp

"It was"

gasp

"A"

wait for it...

"BEE!"

I roll laughing, close to peein in my paints.

He then held up his hands like a foot apart saying it was that big...ohh goodness, I can't breathe.

There he stands with his t-shirt off and a broken big Bertha!! To kill this foot long mutant bee!! I asked how the living room was and he said ok, looking at me with a big grimace. He said it got him too and I was picturing a hunk out of his hand and it looked more like a mosquito bite. HAHA I can't stand it. SOO funny.

He is now worried that he is gonna turn into bumble bee man or something since it was mutant. I had to call his brother who laughed harder than I did. SO FUNNY! I will be buzzing in his ear for a week or more haha.

Ok, super sleepy...Happy Mother's Day ya'll.

Thanks for the prayers and support, I can't tell you how much it all means.

Happy Mother's Day to me :)

2009-05-07T20:54:00.002-04:00

She called!!!

About 15 minutes ago. I was laying there with a cool cloth on my head - dang headache for some reason. The phone rang with my generic ring and I almost let it go to voice mail...but I didn't. I had Survivor on the TV and was freakin out to find the remote to turn it off.

She said that Sunday was so crazy with family that she had no time to call. She then left my number at her moms so she had no way really to call me.

But my packet finally got to her and my numbers and such were in it of course. She said she has read it like 20 times and it has kept her in such a great mood all day. She said that seeing that we love to fish was exciting...she loves to fish too. There were a lot of things she said that made her so happy.

She said she knows this is what she wants and that she hasn't changed her mind at all. She sounded so excited. She is calling me again on Saturday unless something happens.

Let's see there was something else....

hmmmwhat was it???

dobedobedooooooooooooooo hmm what could it be???

OOOHHhhh yeah I know...

Do you really want to know???

Should I make you wait???

noooo I am not that mean!!

or am I????

I can't wait to see a picture of our Isaac John Henry Lail...that is a mouthful huh? beautiful wonderful mouthful!

Prayer changes things...

2009-05-07T03:43:00.003-04:00

Yeah, it is really 3:43 am. I have been awake since 2:33 am. I took a pain pill so this is not the norm for me. I went to sleep fine, easy and Scott knows it is gonna be a good night when I can drift off to sleep right when he does basically.

Before I did fall to sleep...actually I think I fell asleep during - oops sorry God, I was praying. Praying for God to answer some financial issues, praying for Rebecca and hoping that she is doing fine and nothing is wrong. Since learning of her, the prospect of taking this journey has been emotional on all sorts of levels as I am sure you could imagine. But, one of the greatest concerns has been financial.

I haven't worked in over 2 years. Scott's current job is one of the lowest paying jobs he has had in his career...maybe the lowest. But, we have no doubt that this job was a gift from God and all gifts from God are good...can I get an amen? (This was the message Sunday morning)

But, we went from two really good salaries to one not so good salary. I won't go into details but just in doctor visits (not surgeries or procedures or RX's or tests...just visits) have put a major dent in our 'extra' monies each month. Last month alone I saw 4 different doctors spread out in 9 different visits.

So yeah - finances have become intense.

Where did I think that money for a home study, lawyer, travel, other expenses was gonna come from? I looked at our savings, which was looking pretty good for a while - and umm well, *blush* 2840....oops I missed a decimal...28.40. Sweet, I could use that to put gas in the car to get to the airport in Charlotte. SIGH

But, I have faith that God will make a way. I have to. Faith sustains me in so many ways. Without it I just couldn't handle this chronic pain. Without faith, this sad deep pain of infertility would devour me.

So, my mind slips off to dream land while I am whispering prayers to my ever present, all knowing, wonderful, graceful God around 1130ish. I wake up with tears streaming down my face, with my heart so full, my head about to explode to tell someone what I really feel God just opened my eyes to. I lay there for 20 minutes rubbing Scott's hand, playing with his hair, moving around and finally I whisper "I love you" and he says..."you gotta go pee?" I giggle no. (I have to get out on his side of the bed to go to the bathroom right now - long story)

Then he asked why was I shaking, and I told him that I just had this answer from God about our finances. I took my crap (cpap) mask off and said it again, and this time Scott sat up on his elbow to listen.

I didn't dream it, I woke up just knowing...and it really scared me that He can just do that.

I love photography (as I have bored you to tears with pics I am sure). I want to start a little business one day. Not as much for money but for the joy I get from taking pictures and seeing others love them when I show the shots to them. (though money is nice).

I woke up to knowing what I needed to do to make money for our adoption plans, to get my business off the ground and to feed that joy.

I am making fliers come tomorrow to give to friends, family, docs offices (should get something back from all the money I spend there) and where ever else I can think of.

25 dollars, I come to you and take your pictures - family, baby...whatever (weddings scare me though) and I put the best on a cd/dvd and give it to them to print or I have access to a professional printing company that will create packages for me.

I know I am not a professional photographer by any means, but I love it, I am told I have a good eye for it and God gives us things that we love and are good at for a reason and He gave me a reason at 230 this morning.

I have this thing about asking for money from people - even family. I just can't do it. I can do it if I am giving them something even better in return.

I asked Scott if I was crazy or if the pain pill has done a job on me and through tears of his own he said no. He thinks I am good at it. He has always encouraged me to go for it. I have been my worse critic.

He wanted to kick me out of the bed when I said I had to blog about it right now. But, he is snoring now so I know I am not keeping him awake.

So family, friends...expect to hear more over the next few days - yay.

Ok, now you can return to your regularly scheduled programming.

God is good all the time.

Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.

Jeremiah 33:3

sorry

2009-05-05T23:12:00.002-04:00

for the lack of an update....but it is a reflection of the lack of information I have.

She didn't call.

I know in her situation that things can happen, a variety of things that could keep her from calling. My greatest fear is after spending time with her family and her other two children she has changed her mind. If that is God's plan, what can I say. I just pray for some information either way.

DeAnn did say she was excited after talking to me Thursday and wanted to know if the baby would have my accent.

still praying...

B I G...huge news!

2009-04-30T22:36:00.002-04:00

ooops hit enter before I put the post in haha.

NO not pregnant..blah

Huge H U G E!

noo H O O O O O G E !

Where do I start. ok bad craptastic morning first. This is gonna be a long one so if you don't got the time to sit here and read it all just skip it til later - but it is H O O O O O G E !

Went to the fertility doc. Sat down, first thing he said...I think that treatments will be a waste of your money. There is very little chance that we can get you pregnant. With your history the pregnancy will be extremely high risk but I will do what you want shy of IVF which he said the chances of that working are even worse without donor eggs. BAH! :( He said with the history of a stroke they would have to put me on heparin. My diabetes will be a huge factor along with my high blood pressure. We talked and came to the agreement that we will do three cycle and if no baby...end of road, door shut...finito!

Needless to say I left crying and discouraged. We did schedule a saline study of my uterus for the 16th and see him again the following month. Left pissed and sad and really began to feel like this was it.

I met up with John and Lena and couldn't tell them about the visit while we were out, went to Steinmart (LOVE THIS STORE) and ended up going back to the car pretty quick with Caleb (who HATES to shop) and hung out in the van while they shopped. pout pout, poor me - ok done...with that.

I have to back up to last week. Jami calls me...at first I thought she was pregnant again or something she was so excited. She tells me that BreAnn came home or DeAnn visited her (I can't remember) and that a girl that is in rehab with Bre is pregnant and wants to give the baby up for adoption. I was in a room full of people and couldn't jump up and down...but I was so excited. She told me to call De later that day and I would get more details. I talked to De and she said a lot of the same things Jami said, but that she wanted my number to call me! :o She said the girl had 2 other children (not with her) and that is in rehab for Marijuana.

Jami called me and said that De had left me a message, but I didn't get a call - was at my in laws and just as I told Jami that the reception sucks we got d/c lol.

(BTW...De and Jami sound like twins on the phone!)

So Monday came, no call. I was disappointed but not devastated. We have been in situations similar and things can happen. De told me that she had to coordinate the call with her counselor so it may be later in the week.

Tuesday, no call. I talked to Jami and De on messenger and they still said that she will call that she even thanked Bre and De for finding someone for her baby.

I then remembered there was that message from De on my phone, so I listened to it and got chills! We have always said if we had a son we would name him Isaac. Sara in the Bible was barren and God blessed her with a child later in life. Isaac grew up and married Rebecca.

De says, (in her Jami like voice...really yankee by the way haha just kidding) Rebecca is gonna call you. The baby is due September 10th and she will have an US on the 5th of May to know the sex. (Issac married Rebecca...hence chills)

Wednesday came, no call...hope dwindled but if she decided to keep her child and work on herself how could that be wrong.

So today...super craptastic day it started out to be...turned around with the ring of my phone. Rebecca called. She CALLED!

She asked is this Hope? (She also has a Jami - esque tone to her voice...maybe it is an IL thing :) ) I said yes, she told me she was Rebecca and she was friends with Bre. My mind spun in a million different circles. I had all these questions written out - at home. So I had no clue what to ask. She told me that she had 2 kids and they weren't with her. That she needed to concentrate on her sobriety and getting her life straight and another child would be too much for her to handle. She said she considered abortion but she was getting back into church and is catholic and abortions are a big no no and she didn't want to live with that on her heart. She said she prayed for answers and adoption seemed to be where God was leading her. Then she met Bre, and Bre and De told her about me and so here she was - prayers answered. She wants to get to know me of course, I am over nighting my adoption portfolio in the morning. She said all her docs visits have been great too by the way and that her due date is OCT 10th, not September...just more time to get ready!

I am calling our lawyer in the morning. I am not sure if he does interstate adoptions.

She didn't sound like a crazy girl that was pulling my chain. She said she cried when they told her about me. She feels like a weight is off her shoulders.

She couldn't talk long, but said her children are being baptized on Sunday and she will have a pass, so she could call me to talk longer. So she will call me at 2 on Sunday. tap tap tap is it 2 yet?

What are the chances that there is some girl in a state a 1000 miles away has a baby in her belly and wants to give it up for adoption? Pretty good I guess. But what are the chances that that state be the state that some of the people I love the most ever live in? Still pretty high I guess. BUT, what are the chances that that girl would be in a rehab at the exact same time that one of the said beloved people's relative is there and knows that Scott and I want to adopt a baby???? What are the chances that her name would be Rebecca the same name of the woman that marries Isaac in the Bible - the same name we will give our son??? Not chances - God's hand. I believe that.

So yeah, cloud 9987938493897 right now. Even though I just threw up my veggie lo mien. Pray for this miracle. Pray that she likes us. Pray that our finances can handle the costs of adoption/travel. Pray she has an easy pregnancy. Pray if she does change her mind it is for all the right reasons. I won't hate her, I won't ever hate her. I already love her for the hope she has given to me. No matter how this goes, she is real. I heard her voice. Any other situation we have been presented with...the mother's were real but I never spoke to them, I never heard them choke up when talking about God sending someone to take care of their child.

Funny, I called Jami first...I promised :) Lena and John were in the car when I told her. I called Scott but wouldn't tell him on the phone. I called my mom...so funny, she cried like I was telling her I was pregnant. Kari called me and I told her. Then Scott came home and fussed because I was on the phone with Kari. So I made him sit in front of me and held his hand while I told him. With Jen and Chris hearing as we went. It is all just magical right now, I hope this feeling never ends.

P.S. Have I told you how much better life is with Jen and Chris in it. I think we have shared more, gotten closer in the last few weeks than I ever dreamed. Love that letting go and letting God makes things so much sweeter and easier.

Ok, gotta print our thingy out and add a few new things...such as a new baby :)

I love ya'll...thanks for being here for me .. always!

Am I Preachy?

2009-04-13T20:19:00.003-04:00

I had a 'friend' blast me today for being preachy. For saying too many 'praise the Lord's' and pushing my beliefs down his throat. This really isn't pertaining to my blog I don't think because he was on Face.book. I don't know what others see of my posts there, and maybe I do post a lot there about His blessing...but is it too much I wonder. hmm I do love Jesus and love to tell people.

I am extremely tolerant of other's beliefs and while I am not ashamed of mine I try not to beat 'em to a pulp with it. I don't think I could be any other way. I would rather people see Christ in me by being nice and not over bearing...yet leaving no doubt on where I stand about God and my life with Him in it...or me in His.

Ironically, last night I got a message from a former high school classmate and I told him how his wife and I met on the computer when she sent me a message about appreciating my love for Christ and not being afraid to say it. We started talking and then realized that her husband and I knew each other. Then I woke up to those emails...got pretty ugly as well. I was told maybe I stepped on toes or something. Should I put a disclaimer on my blog or is the name and verse up top enough?

I was tempted to be hurt, because even though I don't share his beliefs I considered him a friend. But, I am a child of God. I hope that if it came down to it if I was required to give my life for Him that I would. While this wasn't life or death, it was sad for him to leave my friends list, and in the last mail from him he said I sent him links to sites about how he needed Jesus and needed to be saved. Hmm I don't have such links I don't think...but he said this to lump me into militant Christians who use extreme methods to bring people to Christ kicking and screaming. If I thought someone I loved could accept Christ that way...I might be so inclined but I don't think that way works.

Also ironic was that a friend and I were talking about cleaning up our friends lists...haha.

Off to eat, drink and be happy that the C word is off the table! YAY

Benign...

2009-04-13T20:17:00.002-04:00

Love that word. I just got the call that the biopsy is benign. She called in Prover.a and even if the flow stops by the time I see the doctor on Thursday...probably still will have a d&c. Just so relieved...oo hate that C word.

Thank you all for your prayers and comments...so much appreciated!

Tomorrow...

2009-04-12T23:37:00.002-04:00

I get the results of the biopsy. Praying that things are normal. IF (have to laugh at if) I am still bleeding tomorrow they will schedule a D&C. If I am not I will declare it a miracle :) He still does those! But, I am not sure I could go from full steam to nothing in the next 12ish hours.

A D&C at this point would be a relief just to get it over with...never thought I would want one. Have had many and fought to not have each and every one.

In other news... I am addicted to Facebook...it is official, I can't believe it. My friends list exploded sort of this weekend. I have discovered family, friends, old class mates, (yeah I guess old fits at this point) people I used to work with...and a few others. I have lunch plans in the works, a family get together with family that we see at funerals and such. Fellow student and I are gonna work to get our classmates together for a reunion of sorts. I found a cherished teacher/friend. She played the piano at my wedding - her brother played the trumpet. It is amazing how memories ease every day life stresses. Also, going through pictures and scanning some of my own..haha.

I am anxious about tomorrow, but God is in control and He will carry me through whatever valley or mountain I must endure.

Today we were heading to Scott's parents. I didn't feel like going, I don't think I have ever missed an Easter sunrise service or regular Easter Sunday service...but I just couldn't go. I missed my sweet baby Italy's dedication today as well. I can't sit for long or be far away from the bathroom for long due to Auntie Flow. SO OVER IT!

But, I was laying back in the seat...grumbling about the cramps and whatever else. Then I heard a song on the radio...wasn't familiar with it but a line of He died so I could live came across and tears filled my eyes. I was holding Scott's sweet hand and I squeezed it as I prayed...thanking God for giving me life, for taking my sin and making it possible for me to have salvation. Then I thanked Him for Scott. He knew that I would be where I am right now. He knew this 20 years ago before I met Scott that I would be in a valley. He knew that I needed Scott. He knew that I would struggle to make it day to day without someone that loved me like Scott does. Thank You!

Thank You Jesus for Scott, for his love, for his patience, for his sacrifices, for putting up with things and never grumbling. Scott amazes me daily. While the love that God has for me is amazing and indescribable....so is Scott's. God gave him a heart just for me.

He holds my hand any chance he gets.
He rubs my back every night.
He kisses me even when I am asleep - or he thinks I am.
He calls just to hear my voice.
He brings me a cranberry limeade from Sonic even when I don't ask.
He hangs a towel and washcloth on the bar everyday so I don't have to bend over to get one.
He washes clothes.
He makes sure I have a bottle of water every night.
He doesn't watch a movie he knows I would want to see until we can do it together.
He keeps a supply of ice pops in the freezer for me.
He makes sure I take my medications.
He makes me call the doctors when I don't want to.
He lets me listen to my music in the car.
He parks the car so I have a short walk to the door.
He holds out his hand to help me up the steps.
He never complains.
He hugs me anytime he catches me out of the bed.
He rubs my feet even when I don't ask.
He lets me put my cold feet on his skin to warm them up.
He takes the long way so we don't hit the big bump in the road.
He will drop everything to take me to the doctor or to bring me something to make me feel better.
He still loves me even though it seems I won't ever give him a baby.
He loves me.
He loves God.
He loves my family.
He loves our crazy pets.

I could go on and on...

Introducing

2009-04-10T21:13:00.001-04:00

...Lyric Grace Lail

Ouch Charlie...

2009-04-09T14:19:00.000-04:00

that really hurt! (I just love that video!)

I am sure that fire was flying from my eyes when I raised up on the bed, my feet in the stirrups and yelled..."STOP, NOW!"

The doctor must not be afraid of fire shooting from a hormonal, pissed off, cramping, living on day 18 of a period that should go down in the books of how a period should NOT be. Nope, she wasn't afraid she just kept on yelling back - we are there, almost...just a little more - BAM we got it.

So yeah it hurt, it sucked, I am angry, stressed, worried, in pain, the medication to get my cervix to dilate is still working and is causing cramping that I can't even explain.

YAY, tomorrow is Good Friday. Oh wait, not yay...means no results until Monday!!! So, no medications to stop the flow. Nothing. Then she tells me this which made my head spin and fire shoot out. Much more dramatic yet it still left her unphased...."Hope, if you are still bleeding when I call you on Monday we will have you come in and schedule a D&C." WHA?

I wish upon all my wishes she could have understood how much pain and discomfort I am in, how much I really would like to have spend Easter weekend somewhere else other than bed. Who can do anything when you bend, cough, yawn...breathe and you PAC (if you want to know what that is...I will tell you, but it isn't pretty!). So, I have to deal with this at a minimum of 4 more days.

A D&C would have ended this pretty quickly...even though I didn't really want one...the thought of sleeping it off and waking up tomorrow with it pretty much gone is uber appealing. SIGH

They did another blood draw, she said I was super pale and wanted to make sure my counts hadn't dropped. I am assuming they were ok or similar as I didn't get a call back.

She said my platelets were elevated too, as much as I don't want to google that....I know I will eventually. SMACK - google is bad.

Thank you for your prayers, for the messages, they meant so much and were what I needed to read. My faith sometimes is hard to maintain...but then I am reminded that HE is constant and when I am weak - He is strong.

Speaking of strong. Scott is amazing. He took today off. He held me this morning when I had a momentary loss of sanity. Here I was taking a pill that assists in making labor progress, and all I was birthing was a seemingly endless supply of blood.

No matter how hard this journey, no matter how things seem so unfair and so out of focus.

Scott is my soft place to land. He makes me realize I am so blessed already by his love. When I look at him life is clear as glass. He makes it all make sense. I love him!

Ok, gonna go try and study the inside of my eyelids for a few hours!

Did you know...

2009-04-08T00:39:00.003-04:00

The hormonal balance shifts toward more progesterone during pregnancy. So having many pregnancies protects against endometrial cancer. Women who have never been pregnant (nulliparity) have a higher risk, especially if they were also infertile (unable to become pregnant).

So not only do we 'infertiles' have the pressure of not being able to get pregnant...we also get to deal with the dark cloud of the dreaded 'C' word following us around, knocking on our doors with a chance of becoming a reality.

I bragged a little too soon about the normal periods I was having.
What feels like a 3 month period had me make a work in appointment today with my gyno.
Unable to do much of an examination due to the carnage (sorry TMI), we have scheduled a biopsy for Thursday. yay

So I have to take Cytotec to cause my cervix to open because my last biopsy done in 2005 was unsuccessful due to never being pregnant, never having a baby...causes my cervix to be difficult to get into/past to get to the tissue they want to biopsy. I explained to her that the last biopsy was cancelled and they did a D&C because of the pain and the cervix issue, so she suggested the Cytotec and a local. yay again

I passed out Monday, from blood loss the doctor expected...or stress...or the combination of the two.

She did a CBC (complete blood count) and most of it was normal. But my WBC (white blood cells) were extremely high and she gave me a few possible reasons. The only one I care to accept is an infection of some sort.

She told me my risk factors for C.
-family history - my sister just had ovarian cancer surgery.
-over weight...oh goody, something I could have controlled supposedly.
-infertility...no comment needed.
-lack of pregnancies/births...see above.
something else, can't remember number 5.

I couldn't ask questions, couldn't object to the biopsy...by doing the biopsy instead of the D&C I have to wait until Thursday to do it. The office is closed on Friday so no news until Monday. No meds to stop the bleeding or the cramping or the 'infection' until we get results...so no Easter for me.

The exam drained the life right out of me, I was mortified. When she told me to get undressed I couldn't have imagined how bad things would go. From the moment I removed my clothes until the moment I finally made it to the bed with the less than flattering paper tank top...there was a trail. Mortified x 10 when I had to be positioned and looked down at my foot in the stirrup to see a bright red quarter sized spot on my lily white socks. Then the event of trying to get dressed again while not in a bathroom to really be able to clean up was a joy as well. Yeah, fun day.

When Scott came to get me I could barely even talk to him about it. He tried to tell me not to think about it until we have some results, to claim the outcome we want and not think of anything else until Monday. Okie dokie. I am tired. I just don't know hot much more I can take.

What made it even worse. This is the new doctors office I was going to see at the end of the month. I walk in and the lobby was filled with pregnant women and their husbands. All rubbing their bellies like they were buddah. I walk up to the counter and got my paperwork and when I returned it, I was offered the chance to win this big ole baby bundle of goodies including a play pen kind of thing with tons of stuff in it. "You could win it for your baby" the receptionist said...I looked behind me like she was talking to someone else and then just totally ignored her even as she pushed the raffle ticket towards me. I bent it as I pushed it back. UGH

Baby/pregnancy/parenting magazines E V E R Y W H E R E!

Sitting there like my inside lady parts were gonna fall out at any moment paled in comparison to the feeling that my heart would fall out as well.

When I got back to Lena's though...there were the kids. They asked me how I was feeling and I said ok, but hungry. Caleb said "Well you would have thought since you were there so long they would have at least gave you crackers and a juice box!" How could I not smile at that.

Chirsten wasn't feeling well, but found a comfy spot on my lap for a little while.

But, Caleb in particular was all over me, smooching and hugging. We played polar bowler and every time he got a strike he would kiss me softly on the cheek, he whispered you have great cheeks Hopie, they are soft like my ear lobes. He has super soft chubby ear lobs like his uncle Scooter and his daddy. I LOVE to rub his, Scott won't let me much because he is afraid they will stretch or something...so silly. Caleb won't let his be rubbed much either, but today he let me. One time he thought it was Chirsten and pulled away and when he saw it was me he said ohh Hopie you can do it. I cherish him....both of them. I think God made them just for me sometimes, I guess their parents might beg to differ.

So, not knowing will be the worst part for the next few days. I know Who holds all the answers. Sometimes I wish I could peak at my plan, just to know.

*I wasn't gonna blog about this. I just wasn't. Not yet. but I needed prayers and I can't get them from my mother - I just can't tell her, I can't worry her like that until I know what is going on. Also, I don't know if pain medications do anyone else like this...but I pop my pain med to go to sleep and probably 90% of the time it makes me chatty, it makes me emotional, it winds me up for about an hour or so. Then when it hits..bam I am out.

Happy Blogerversary to me...

2009-04-07T00:01:00.002-04:00

Well, I guess that I was supposed to have some deep meaningful post, but I don't...and dang it I didn't even get any cake!?! I gotta talk to someone about that. Wow...3 years, time flies when you...well, it just flies.

Good Day...

2009-04-01T22:43:00.003-04:00

Today has been such a good day. I chilled out at home, the weather was so pretty outside and I had dinner catered in .... haha, love the restaurant - Lena's Country Kitchen :) Roast, taters, corn, rolls and dessert. She so spoils me.

Then I get an email from a friend who saw the pictures of Illan and Ida...and she wants me to come and do some pictures of her kids and family in their back yard - some posed but a lot of candids and cutesy pics of her three kids. WOO HOO! I am so excited. I hope to start classes this coming semester for photography and since I can't do my job I went to school for and trained for - maybe this is something I can do to fill that hole. WOOT!

I have a lunch date scheduled with my niece and her kiddos next week, we are going to do Mexican I think...yummy.

I have a lunch date with my hubby tomorrow. I think his mother and father will be tagging along haha. That is ok. We are planning for Easter and tomorrow when the kids get to John and Lena's we are making cake pops - attempting these - HOW CUTE! But we may just end up with cake on a stick dipped in chocolate and written on with cake pens haha. Who knows, either way it will be fun to play with the kids - no matter how limited.

Scott is awesome - period.

Speaking of period...remember how I said mine was so normal for the past 5ish months 28-32 days probably more like 30ish no more than 32 days...but that is phenomenal for someone with PCOS and 40!! Sooo, I am on like day 4 and the last 5 months I am about done - no hellacious periods like before ... I jinxed myself of mother nature is playing a huge April's fools joke on me!!! *(TMI FOLLOWS) Well, yesterday evening until today the floodgates to satan's den have opened up and ugh...just is bad. Hormonal, emotional, crampy.....the perils of period land.

I guess that is it, I just feel like things are on the cusp of being great!! I get my next injection on the 9th, I hope to have the stimulator put in by the end of the month and I see the RE at the end of the month as well. oooo I hope that the surgery won't interfere with the RE.

Pray for Stellan!

I love my daddy

2009-03-29T23:40:00.002-04:00

I had a pretty bad day yesterday. I hadn't been up doing much all week and thought ok, let's just go to spend the day with Ma and Pop Lail. Scott went and picked up John to help him take off trash and stopped and picked me up on the way back. We get there and immediately we were on the go...we went to Hobby Lobby my most favorite place in the world - almost. I was there ohhh...about 5 minutes - maybe 10 and that was it. I gave Scott and Lena my stuff I wanted and got the keys and crashed in the van - in tears, in pain, super frustrated. UGH I hate feeling that way.

I cleared it all up and figured when they got back we would head back to the house....nope, there is a new hobby store in Hickory with trains and planes and all that jazz. Scott's parents bought him this cool train and he wants to look for accessories. So we go there, and I walked in...got the keys from Lena and walked right back out. The pain was so bad I almost threw up. I got in the van and left the sliding door open...regret that because I know people thought I was crazy.

I called my mom at work - the phone was busy. I always call her when I am past that point and need someone else to pray with me. She just has that way. So I called my daddy and he asked what was wrong and I told him. I then said I was calling so if mom calls you tell her to pray for me or call me. He almost seemed offended, and said "Well, I can pray for and with you!!"

So he started praying and I love to hear him pray, but usually when mom and him pray over me mom is doing the praying and daddy is 'yes Lord-ing' and not saying too much. Ohhh but this prayer was so sweet, just what I needed. He said things like, "Dear Lord please take this pain from my baby girl" and "Jesus - cuddle her up in Your arms and keep her safe". I was crying hard before he started but hearing my daddy say such things just made me melt.

I am so blessed to have such great parents. I love my poppy! And my ma too ... :)

We go back to John and Lena's and I headed straight to her bed. I crashed in the dark. Poor Lena tripped over my shoes trying to get to me with a phenergan and water. I took the pill and drifted off. I don't know what time the kids got there, but I knew that they would be worried about me so Scott and I headed home so they could have fun with their Maw and Paw.

Caleb was so cute, he came in to the bedroom and held my hand rubbing it...he is so sweeeet.

I got home and went to sleep and didn't get up until about 4 or so this afternoon. I do feel better. I am going to spend the day with Lena tomorrow - hoping the kids will be there. It is their day with their daddy but his wife is about to have or has already had a baby ... so maybe they will be at Lena's.

Can you believe April is almost here!?!?!?!? sigh

Spring has...

2009-03-29T22:02:00.007-04:00

Speaking of pictures...
Before all of this pain stuff increased, I went out and started taking pictures showing that spring has...well, sprung!
Obviously I didn't get as many as I wanted - boo hoo me.
But enjoy the ones I do have :)

well, I know that this isn't springish really, but it is the last of the winter wood my parents will burn.
This is a bush in my front yard, there have been a few people call it different things. All I know is it has thorns on it, sometimes a tiny apple or 2 will be on the whole big bush. But it always blooms in the winter just as spring is being thought of.

Ok, not so springish either. But this funny little chicken has funny 'hair' so I snapped it's picture. See all those ball like things laying around???? Those are balls of hell! My parents must have had a brain blockage when they planted these trees - ohh about a dozen of them. I could never run around barefooted in the front yard. And if I did run outside with my shoes on there was still the likelihood of you rolling your ankle or just plain ole falling down. You rake and rake all summer, and fall and still they are there. They do burn good though. I have also seen crafts made out of them, but I just hate them for lots of reasons. Some of them still have a little stem on them which makes for good throwing when you are having a ball fight with your brother and cousins. They are called Sweet Gum Trees...don't buy them...even though they do have a great shade!

This rooster was giving me the evil eye, I had walked into their 'territory' - which is my parents entire property!

I just thought he had such pretty colors.

I finally got a pic of him crowing. He is the master rooster I think!

This is the rooster and his hen...I think that is a hen.

I planted these wild march flowers in the stump of this tree a long time ago. I was probably 15 or so. It was only 2 or 3 bulbs way back then. This year there were no blooms...not sure why.

Yes another hell ball, nestled in with some wild violets.

I thought this was a Bradford Pear tree, but daddy said it was some kind of wild tree that blooms. huh!

The hell ball tree starting to get blooms for the leaves...a few balls hung on long enough to fall later on and make walking treacherous in my parents yard...grrr!

This pretty little tree will have pretty little red/purple flowers.

This was a flower garden across from my in - laws. They always have some great beds...nice people too.

Hydrangea leaf peaking out.

Ooo hostas pokin' their way up out of the ground....I love hostas!

a weeping cherry tree in my inlaw's yard. They have some awesome gardens!

Flats of pansies that didn't get planted at the Lena's house, but they sure are still pretty and are gonna get planted SOOON!

Some bloom on a bush by their house, only one on the bush...not sure what that was!

I think these are paperwhites? I am terrible with plant names...just know they are pretty!

Are these called paper pinks then?? haha...I crack myself up...probably only myself too :)

I love this tulip tree. It makes me miss my friend Jodi who died way too young. A mutual friend of ours lost her dad about this time of year. We both loved this tree and the friend had just built a house and their yard was just grass mostly. And since this blooms around the time of his death, thought this would be a pretty reminder of life. I am sure Joyce loves this tree - I see it planted and growing big in her yard. This has been 7 or 8 years ago, and now when this tree blooms I think of Jodi and her life and how our beautiful friendship was such a blessing to me.

Another pic of the tulip tree.

Speaking of tulips....one growing by the pond.

I am SO sane!!!...that is what the docs said!

2009-03-28T00:38:00.009-04:00

It has been a long week. To say the least! I had slipped in the shower, went to the ER (that is a story for another day....GRRR) So I made an appointment with my pain doc; Tuesday morning I went for an injection and mri of my back. The injection went fine, the MRI showed that I did indeed tear some scar tissue - blah. He said all that I can do is continue with the increased pain meds. And vallium to relax my muscles. Talk about LOOOOPY!

I get done there around 9ish (went in at 630 !). I head to the psych doc for the eval. I wasn't told it would be an all day thing. I had another appointment at 11 with my GP so we had to break the psych eval up a little. I had to take this test that had these wacked out questions on it. Like do I hear voices that no one else does? Do you feel like you are being followed or talked about. Do you love your mother....some of them soooo strange. I only had to answer 370 questions, he said I didn't seem manic or crazy so the other 400 I didn't have to do...THANK GOD!

I figured that that was a useless test and I went to my GP while they graded it and such. I only let my GP write rx's for me. It is a pain sometimes, but I take so many different things I just don't want anything screwed up. I walk in and get weighed and in 3 weeks I gained 14 pounds!!! Impossible!!! He checks my legs and ankles and feels it is fluid. I didn't realize how swollen my ankles were. So he rxed me a fluid pill and I have to monitor my weight for 2 weeks. YAY something else to worry about. I noticed I was short of breath a lot more lately and he said that was why.

So I leave there to go to lunch then to the quack doc again and I go to get out of the car and my right leg (the one that is my trouble leg) gave out. I stepped out onto the cement and I had NO control over it. Was so strange. I got a big boo boo on my knee and my ego. I still can barely walk on it...I think the numbing meds in the injection might be causing it. If it is no better tomorrow I will call the pain doc.

I go in and 2 docs came in to go over my verbal/communication part - which I didn't know they were really paying attention to what I said lol . And to go over the test. They both feel that mentally I am doing good and that I have goals and realistic expectations of my future with this stimulator. That while I want to go back to work, the likelihood is low but to be able to have some normalcy in other areas will compensate for the loss of work. He asked about my support system and of course there is Scott and certain family members and friends. Too, he asked if the only stress in my life was my chronic pain and things associated with that, and I told him that infertility hurts worse than the physical pain sometimes.

Then we talk about the test. I almost giggled when they pulled out this big graph and stuff. Then he started telling me what the test told him. OMGOSH....it was so right on the button! That when someone hurts me or upsets me that I internalize it or talk to someone not involved instead of confrontations. That I am very emotional - I cry at the drop of a hat - SOOOO TRUE! That I like things so - so and if they are not that way I wig out.....TRUE! That the pain has restricted my life and it makes me angry. That I am depressed about it but have outside sources that make me not be so depressed that I can't cope. Ummmm...I am not schizo or any major mental disorders....essentially I am extremely normal given the circumstances.

I asked why they make ppl do this and he said if I was having severe mental issues that I might think that the box is sending messages to the government or to space and I might try to physically take it out; and that makes sense. Also if I were extremely depressed and got the box and it didn't work that I might feel that I want to die or hurt myself. Because there is a risk of this not doing anything.

So after that long day, I have been home in bed most of this week. That silly fall out of the car pulled a muscle I think. I am going to mosey around tomorrow hopefully getting some of my strength back.

Scott had to call that therapist today to make sure what I was saying was true. (Since he couldn't meet with the doc on Tuesday) As far as Scott being supportive and us having a great relationship. The doctor seemed surprised that I speak so highly of my in laws and my family and how they have been so supportive. He said that things like this sometimes puts such a strain on every day life and relationships that they don't survive. If anything my relationship with Scott has thrived. My relationship with my mother and father in law has been amazing and has gotten deeper than I ever imagined. My own parents have been amazing - even with all of their health issues, they have been such a rock for me. Brad has been such a source of strength for me as well. I have wonderful friends that have been prayer warriors on my behalf, have been there for me when I have not been the best of friend.

This week I have spent a lot of time in prayer as well. A blog I LOVE and follow My Charming Kids . I somehow clicked on her little button and discovered Twitter. So I get updates from her and on Stellan all day and night. Every time I feel my phone vibrate, I am so terrified it might be something bad. This baby and his family need all of our prayers. The mother has an amazing heart, her strength and faith are inspiring. I even had Scott crying about him and their family. My prayer life has been strengthened through this though. I have cried and prayed for him, prayed in general more this week than I have in a long time. God deserves better than I have given Him lately. I am so glad He is a forgiving God. I have felt His spirit so much lately. There is just something about praying at ohhhh 4 am, when the earth is just starting to wake up, yet it is still so dark that your other senses are heightened since you can't see. It is just a sweet time to spend with my Lord. I understand now why my mother used to go outside to her prayer 'stump' before the sun came up to pray. [It was really a stump in the corner of the yard. It was an old apple tree that was cut down....I remember her coming in some mornings with her knees dirty and wet from the morning dew...I get it mamma...I get it]

Also...Rebekah....ooo sweet blessed Ben and Rebekah are riding a roller coaster. No doubt God has sent them a baby, easy huh? God never said it would be easy, just that we would never be alone. So things are still trying to knock them off their ride, but they are strong, their love is strong and their faith is strong. Pray for them, and if you have some extra moooolah they are taking donations for their adoption fees - which are crazy considering the circumstances!!

Ohh and Alex and Jill have FINALLY been blessed with a pregnancy! I am just over the moon happy for them. They are such a cute wonderful Godly couple. They are going to make wonderful parents. WOO HOO, don't cha just love great news like that!

Let's see....hmm, I went and took some pictures of Illan and Ida. Ida is so photogenic, Illan is too when he sits still. Cara would put him where we wanted him and before I could aim and shoot he was across the yard. I will post a slide show at the bottom. Ida just loves the camera...and vice versa!

Caleb had his birthday party last weekend. He is so super cute. I wasn't sure if I could be there...and apparently that was ok as long as his best buddy Uncle Scooter came! HAHA. I guess it should hurt my feelings that he loves Scott so much, but it doesn't. When it is just me there, Caleb loves on me....like Tuesday he fell asleep with me, but as soon as Scott got there - hmm who is aunt Hopie?? Tears might well up in my eyes when they run past me to tackle Scott, but they are tears of joy...tears that my heart melts at how much they love him. Tears that fall knowing how great of a father he will be given the chance. Tears because I know he loves those two as much as if they were his own. Tears that know when we leave them will be joined by his, because he loves them and wishes the impossible.

ANYWAYS...It was so funny watching him. I would catch him searching to see if Scott was watching him while he bowled. Caleb is just like Scott, and Chris too...he loves anything computer/video game related. He is gonna be a geek just like his daddy and uncle!! Poor thing! It was a fun party. Everyone was there pretty much. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but everyone loves that boy and wanted him to have the best day possible.

I will post some pics of that too at the bottom.

Chris' wife Jennifer is about to have her baby any minute. She seemed so miserable at the party. She is like 13 months pregnant haha. I am sure that is how she feels anyways. I hope and pray that the baby comes soon and she doesn't have a hard time. She is having a little girl...and they are naming it Hopie Grace...haha, just kidding. Lyric Grace Lail.

I miss my Huggins. I miss living across the street and being able to just hop over and say hi, see the kids, harass Burt. I miss them being able to come over and eat with us, watch big brother or American idol. SIGH. I wish they were here or I was there. I wish I had a friend like her here. I wish the ride wasn't so long and hard on me. UGH I keep wishin' and hopin' and ....can't remember the rest of the song.

I hope this surgery comes fast and it helps enough to make it worth it and enough to change my life in a good way. I would just love to be able to drive, heck....I would just love to be able to take a walk.

I am registering for classes at the local college. I have really enjoyed taking pictures and want to take classes towards an associates degree in photography and the business of. Funny, Cara said she was going to take some classes for the same thing! If it is something I really feel passionate about maybe her and I can make a business of it. Who knows.

Well, it is 2 am, my sleep patterns are crazy right now. I have not been able to get to sleep at a normal time in 2 weeks. I have been up past 5 am a couple days. I finally go to sleep and sleep until lunch time or so. And then I am always asleep when Scott gets home, he is worried...I think it is just a medication thing.

Precious-ness!

2009-03-22T23:31:00.000-04:00

Remember when...

2009-03-17T13:07:00.003-04:00

We thougth a thousand...a million - a billion was a lot???

I tried to wrap my brain around a trillion -

This is the one that hits me the hardest:

One trillion dollar = no personal income tax for 8 years. Yes everybody could live without paying income tax for 8 years.
(income tax source http://www.taxfoundation.org/news/show/250.html)

Total bailout commitments = 9 trillion dollars
= USA could be personal income tax free for 72 years!! Yes that means at least 2 generations.

(source NYTImes http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2009/02/04/business/20090205-bailout-totals-graphic.html)

Would eliminating personal income tax have been a better strategy to lift the country out of depression? I think so, do you?

"…….if you started the day Jesus Christ was born and spent $1 million every day since then, you still wouldn’t have spent $1 trillion."

$1,000,000 counted out $1 per second, non-stop, without a break, would take you just over 11-1/2 days to finish.

$1,000,000,000 counted out at $1 per second would take you 31.7 years to complete.

$1,000,000,000,000 counted out at $1 per second would take you 31,709 years and a few months to complete.

BREATHE!

Going back in history 1 billion seconds will take you back just over 31 years. So you will probably say that 1 trillion seconds will go back, [what?] to the dark ages? WRONG!

Going back in history 1 trillion seconds would take you back…[Are you sitting down?] to 29,000 B.C. Did you get that? That’s 29,000 years before the year 1 A.D

Remember, 1 trillion seconds ago it was 29,000 B.C.

1 trillion dollars could fully buy all of the following companies together.

1. Microsoft
2. Apple
3 Google
4. Wallmart
5. Coke
6. Pepsi
7. and still have 32 Billion left

How about supporting our girl scouts? 1,000 boxes of girl scout cookies for every single citizen in this country!

1 trillion dollars could buy back all the foreclosed homes from 2007 and 2008.

A stack of $1000 bills 4 inches thick, is one million dollars.

A stack of $1000 bills 358 feet high, is one billion dollars.

A stack of $1000 bills 67.9 miles high, is one trillion dollars.

Well, for those who wanted change, well change is what we will have left in our pockets.

A-HA!

2009-03-16T08:28:00.000-04:00

40 year old eggs may not be rotten quite yet :)

Allyouwhohope blog

Isn't that a kick in the pants!

Pink is so your color honey!

2009-03-14T02:07:00.003-04:00

My husband indulges me sometimes way too much!

"Honey, you should feel how this lip gloss from Bare Escentuals makes your lips tingle."

"No thank you hon, I am a manly man and I surely do NOT wear lip gloss."

"Come on, we are in the car going home - who will see?"

"NO way Hope, ya can't make me!"

"But honey, it makes them feel soo good, it is dark...I won't even be able to see it."

"Fine, but I don't like this and you can't blog about it."

"Ohh babes, you know I would never!"

leans over in the dark - his face lit only by the dashboard lights.

"Turn your head this way a little, the bumps might make me stick it up your nose - you don't want that."

he growls lowly under his breath as he turns his head towards me.

I get a ~~big ole dollop~~ tiny amount of glittery pink lip gloss and slather it on his purty lips.

"Now rub 'em together to get the full effect."

He does the manly chap stick rub.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?"

doing everything in my power to hold in my giggle.

"HUH?"

"Ohh my gosh, my lips are burning - what is that stuff?"

"It plumps the lips - isn't it great!"

"NOO, it isn't great it is burning when I breathe and my lips feel swollen like when you get Novocain."

I can't control the ~~belly laughter~~ quiet giggles.

"I'm donna tick yo butt. Now I tant eben talt wite!"

The next 20 minutes I am rolling in the car, he keeps talking but I can't understand him. Every word he says makes me laugh that much harder. My sides are killing me. WHEW

BUT IT ISN'T OVER!

We get almost home (about 20 minutes later) and we planned to stop by the pool to get a public swim schedule. By this time, my laughter had subsided and things were normal - well, normal for us.

Dark in the car. I forgot about the ~~bright~~ powder pink hardly noticeable yet glittering lip gloss. He gets back in the car with the schedule and as I turn on the interior light to read...something catches my eye. Hmm, ~~bright~~ light pink hardly noticeable yet glittering lip gloss you might ask? YES!

"Honey, umm..."

Before I could get anything out he hits his forehead with one hand and wipes his lips with the other.

"No wonder the guy at the desk was giving me strange looks!"

"You do wear it well baby cakes, pink is so your color."

side splitting laughter ensues - along with glares and growls from the driver of the vehicle.

The Isaacs

2009-03-12T23:05:00.008-04:00

Ok, I am drawn to them already because of their name...Isaac -when we have a child and if that child is a boy will be his name. Boy oh boy if you ever get the chance to hear them sing - don't miss it. Such a blessing, such beautiful singing, such heart touching testimonies...one of those foot tappin', shout amen-ing, praise the Lord and pass the tissues kind of concert.

They are a blue grass gospel group. They are a family. The mother, son and two daughters sum up the vocals. They have 3 others that play other instruments but the vocals are perfect. So many songs they sung touched my heart, made me cry and just kept me singing.

This song is one that I heard a while back but can't listen to it because it makes me do that ugly cry thing.

It is called Yours and Mine. The daughters and the mother sing it to each other. It makes me remember a conversation with my mom. She cried telling me how she wishes she could have a child for me, could take away the pain of being empty. She is so amazing to me, I don't know what I would do without her. She is my hero.

Anyways, here are the lyrics and the daughters sing first and the mother sings what is in parentheses. I love having a mother that shares my pain and my joy.

I hope I didn't wake you (It's never too late)
My heart is so broken (Honey, It'll be OK)
I wish you were here now (I wish I was too)
Don't know what I'd do without you

(chorus)
If I could take the hurt all away
I'd gladly walk in your shoes
I'd rather it be happening to me than you
I'd love to turn your tears into laughter
And all of your rain to sunshine
But since I can't take it
Let's make it yours and mine

I heard from the doctor (I heard the bad news)
Oh I am so frightened (I've been praying for you)
I don't understand it (Sometimes life isn't fair)
Seems like more than I can bear

(chorus)

I'll laugh with you, cry with you
You know I would die for you
Together we can make it through

(chorus)

Since I can't take it
Let's make it yours and mine.

They were just great. Here are is a picture from that night and a small sorta video. I wish I had gotten all of It is well, whew.

edited to add...yes, the man's red shirt says 'Granny's Kitchen'...

Miracles

2009-03-12T21:13:00.002-04:00

I know they are every where. Most days I believe it without question. I admit though, I wonder where, when, if the one miracle I have prayed for will happen.

The last 4 months my cycle has been amazingly normal. 29-31 days, obvious changes in cervical mucous. N O R M A L! We haven't tried, but my mind and heart are running in 19039 different directions. So, I scheduled an appointment with a new RE. He is also a gyno, so I will be getting all that female stuff done. My sister having a mass on her ovary that was cancer also spurred this appointment.

We don't know what will happen, if the doctor thinks I could even carry one with my back. But, I do want to know if he thinks my eggs aren't fried yet - being I am 40 n0w...UGH.

If they are, we have someone in mind to ask to carry a baby for us. We have prayed about it and talked to our parents and we think this might be a possibility. The thought of a baby having Scott's eyes and my little ears is overwhelming.

If they can't be used, then that is how God wanted it and we will go full steam in another direction.

When I really started thinking about it this week, it seemed every where I turned - miracles were being discussed. One mother got a mail from her insurance asking her if she wanted to participate in some programs that are available for her son with special needs. They could send heart medications and other assistance since he has heart disease. The title of her thread was 'She didn't get the memo'...the memo was her baby was healed of his heart problems before he was born. A miracle no doubt. She couldn't wait to send that memo to show how great our God is. Then another came home with her Samuel - a miracle from God and the song on her blog sung of miracles. I watched a DVD from our church in Myrtle Beach and sure enough - miracles.

Fertility/infertility is a winding road. I make a turn sometimes and feel like it is all over and I should just veer off the road completely. Then the next curve wakes all those baby dreams up and sigh!

Ok, got a few other things to post, so I will go onto them.

Mark

2009-03-06T12:50:00.004-05:00

Today is my brother's birthday. In less than 30 days will be the anniversary of his death. He was 35. I miss him. I regret, ohh how I regret not being a better sister, friend. Hindsight is 20/20 and sometimes that isn't a good thing. I thought we had time. I thought I could be mad and then make up and laugh about it later. I thought he would grow out of it. I thought he would wake up one day and addiction would lose it's hold. I thought when that happened we could be normal again. Normal for us was laughing, crying when he pulled my hair. Normal for us was sneaking out of school so we could go fishing. Normal for us was sitting side by side on the piano bench taking turns playing or playing one of those silly songs together. Normal for us was fighting - with one of us getting in trouble with mom. Normal was arguing and tossing a salad on his head with a big ole slice of cucumber stuck on his forehead with ranch dressing. I thought we had time. My heart breaks missing him. I called my mom this morning to tell her I loved her and that I know that today is hard. She broke down crying. She wasn't sure if anyone remembered. I spoke to Misti in an email and she was having a sad day and realized that it probably has to do with missing him. I can't remember his voice, his laugh. I remember his eyes, his dark brown eyes. He bounced when he walked. He could play the piano like no one else, all by ear - never a lesson. He was so smart. He always hugged his mom. He smoked constantly...every picture we have almost, has a cigarette in his hand or mouth.

I wouldn't want him back here, he was in pain and his addiction caused him pain beyond what we can comprehend. Mark LOVED his family and for this addiction to cause him to do some of the thing he did - I know he hurt over it, he had a soft heart. I wouldn't want him back because I know he is sitting with Jodi (my best friend who past), they both are laughing. He has probably been playing the piano with his uncle Lee Ervin playing the fiddle. I am sure he has pranked a multitude of angels. He has probably talked Jesus into going fishing. See, I don't want him back here because he was a sinner saved by grace and he is in Heaven. He is there with his baby that was murdered during an abortion. He left his wife when he found out. He has no more addiction, no more pain, no more tears and no more heart breaks. I love you, I miss you, I can't wait to see you.

March...already? Where did Christmas go?

2009-03-01T12:43:00.004-05:00

I went with my parents and Johnny to Santee to let the men folk fish and ma and I sat on the porch enjoying rocking in the rocking chair and watching the boats go by.

They didn't catch many fish, but Johnny and my dad had some good time together. While there it was my father's 78th birthday and my parents 54th wedding anniversary. I am so blessed to have them both still in my life. He has such extensive health issues - it amazes me all he does.

There was no internet...which at first sent chills up my spine, but I was able to read 2 books...one awesome and the other pretty good too. I read 90 minutes in Heaven and wow! I also read Love Letters, it is a story about a man in the early 1900's that assists a war buddy in writing letters to his love. It is a little slow in places, but over all good. It was written in the early 1940's. I love old books....and old movies.

I did figure out how to get yahoo on my blackberry, and I was able to check my mail and such on it. But, I couldn't figure out the browser so that was about the extent. Ohh and facebook was available. It did open my eyes to how much I depend on this thing for entertainment and communication. My neice called me ... to get reception I had to close one eye, stand on my tippy toes and hold it out to the sun (just kidding but reception was dicey). My niece said she was gonna call me every day 'til I called her back...which made me smile, then she said here is my number - I know you are writing it down and starts to say her number. I hit 44 to replay and get my pen and paper and start to write it down 828...and the message ends. I giggled at her, she is so much like me...dramatic and animated most times. So I waited for her to call me back being she said every day and she has lied to me, lied lied lied...haha, just kidding. I do know she has a life and a busy one at that. Lily is an imaginative, active, creative, giggling little sweet girl that I know keeps her on her toes. Now she has Simon, he is around 9 months now I think. I am sure he is keeping her busy too. Plus she works from home, breastfeeds...and like a lot of us has a husband :) which means lots of work!!

She is a great mom and even though she is so busy she still offers to help me or take me somewhere. Not only her, but a few other people. They offer to bring me dinner, take me shopping, clean my house and I always turn them down.

In reading this book 90 minutes in Heaven, I took a lot from it but one of the most touching thing was this.

In the book he was in the hospital for 109 days, mostly flat on his back with this contraption on his leg. He was angry, he was depressed...he didn't understand how God would let him glimpse into heaven and then bring him back to earth. So many emotions that left him appreciative of the love and care he received but also the feelings of not deserving and not wanting to be a burden to anyone. His Christian life led him to serve others, to be there for them. That was his ministry. He was talked to by a friend and realized that letting others be there for him, help him was their ministry - their labor of love done through Christ. Things as simple as letting someone bring him magazines or a milkshake. The reaction from those that loved him after being able to help in some way was so touching.

There is so much to get out of this book but that is something personal for me. During all this stroke/back time of my life I repeatedly turned down friends and family when they offered to help me. From the simple things of dropping by or to the big things of cleaning my house or bringing a meal. I feel bad that I didn't let them do things. It wasn't that I didn't want them to really, it is just I didn't want to be a burden. I loved being the one to do things, and it just wasn't me to be on the other side.

I am....whew

2009-02-21T02:09:00.002-05:00

My Name Is 'I AM'

I was regretting the past, and fearing the future.

Suddenly God was speaking:"My name is 'I AM'. "

I waited.

God continued:"When you live in the past, with it's mistakes and regrets, it is hard. I am not there".

"My name is not 'I WAS'. "

"When you live in the future, with it's problems & fears, it is hard. I am not there."

"My name is not 'I WILL BE'."

"When you live in this moment, it is not hard. I am here."

"My name is 'I AM'."

My hubby gave me....

2009-02-16T23:22:00.004-05:00

A trip to....

wait for it.....

The ER for Valentines Day...ain't he sweet :)

He even sprung for the good drugs and a hot nurse. Ok, the nurse was not that hot but she was nice. I had a migraine for 4ish days and it was worrying him and between him and my mother and mother in law I went. I wish I had went Wednesday when he wanted me to, those drugs really worked!!

I did make it to Illan's birthday party for a short time, got some cute pictures but this one of his sister is my favorite. Lil miss Ida Hope

2009-02-12T22:45:00.002-05:00

The more I post...the harder the titles come - I am not that creative!!!

Speaking of dreams...last night I had this dream that I was chosen to be on Survivor *I chuckle as I write that*. We were in some tropical place and my tribe was kickin the other tribes butt! We got to come home on the weekends and I loved telling everyone how nice and sweet Jeff was...and how purdy he was in real life. bahahaha. I woke up before I got voted off, but I think it was coming because I was a huge threat ya know.

Anyways, Scott got home last night and said..."read your blog - what is this dream? I think I know but tell me." I asked him what he thought and it was like he had the same dream, he guessed it word for word nearly. I will share more as it unfolds. Pray.

In other news...my friend Rebekah...well, I can't even sum it up so go read...amazing story and it just shows God's love. Amazing!

I had a dream...

2009-02-11T12:42:00.003-05:00

I drifted off to sleep soon after posting last night. I was warmed by my sweet hubby...my skin is so cold any more - maybe some medication or something.

I usually toss all night long, waking up quite a bit but last night the only time I remember waking up was when Scott got up looking for one of our dying phones that was beeping like crazy.

But, last night - I dreamed a dream. It was one of those dreams that when you do wake up you still feel it all, you can still smell things and try extremely hard to not wake up just so I can see what happens next. Guess what, after Scott left for work I fell back to sleep and the dream continued.

I can't go into many details because I want to talk to Scott about it first. We had thought about this in the past, but we just never thought it all out and so it has never been a legitimate option.

I know this was a dream, but it was so real. What if God sent me that dream? When I woke up I wanted to call the person involved and blurt it all out. But, I didn't. I did pray to God, cried and it really feels like this is a path worth taking.

Don't cha love a mystery? It involves a baby of course. As soon as we talk, as soon as we both feel this is a journey we can do...ya'll will be the first to know...well, maybe after a few close friends and family :)

Ok, I have so much to do today that I can't even be sitting here writing...but I had to get that out!

I love him...

2009-02-10T23:52:00.003-05:00

19 years ago today Scott and I said "I do". Details of that day are vivid as are the feelings and emotions. I remember the photographer telling us to stop kissing so much that every shot had us kissing in it! We couldn't let the other's hand go, it was magical.

Some know our love story.

I think I posted about it here, but I can't help but share it again...I promise briefly.

We met. We fell in love. We got married. We became best friends. The End.

Ok, ya'll aren't getting off that easy.

He was a blind date. I had no clue that a run of the mill family get together for a birthday would be the day I found him. Ok, I didn't find him - God sent him.

We knew. The love at first sight thing that we all have scoffed at - it happened to me. I was dating, knew he wasn't 'him'...but it was safe and easy. I knew when my eyes met his baby blues that this was something special, this was what God had done for me.

Scott told me he loved me that first night, ohhh about 8 or so hours after meeting. He told me he wanted to marry me, he asked. It wasn't that on the knee with a rock in his hands proposal but it was real, it was from God's lips to Scott's lips to my ears...to my heart. I just knew, Scott just knew.

I said yes with no hesitation. We kissed our first kiss, it was like no other. We wrapped up in each other. Neither of us had any doubts, we knew each other 8ish hours and we had no doubts. C-R-A-Z-Y huh? Possible, but the proof is in the puddin' I guess you could say.

Less than 2 weeks we let it out. He had already told Jon. Jon was his cousin that helped in the blind date. My parents loved him from the get go. He asked my dad and my parents just knew too. They had prayed Scott down from heaven for me, this was my gift from their prayers...God's answer for their daughter.

My brothers took longer to accept, but about 2 years or so into it they accepted him too :)

August 1989 we met. February 1990 we married. It all happened smoothly. My in laws were wonderful from the beginning, they helped my parents make it all happen quickly and beautifully.

I had been 21 for 12 days when we married. I have nearly been married half of my life. I only wish we had met sooner, married sooner, began our lives sooner, started fertility treatments sooner.

19 years and we still say "I love you" every night, every morning, after every call...not by habit but because we mean it and neither of us can hear it enough.

19 years and we still crave time together. We love our time alone. We never spend time away from each other if we can help it. We can't sleep apart. We have to touch ... if even just our feet while we sleep. But, mostly we are wrapped up in each other.

19 years and we still hold hands constantly. In the car, at church, walking in Wal-Mart, good times and bad.

19 years and people are still telling us to stop kissing!

19 years and he still makes the butterflies go crazy.

19 years and his voice still makes me smile. His touch alone can speak volumes.

19 years and we still love each other. We are still best friends. We think our love can't grow any stronger then something happens and our love is anew with even more strength.

I love him, I don't deserve him, I can't imagine life without him.

I cherish our time just before we drift off to sleep. We are silly, we talk and laugh. We tickle and hug and he lets me put my ice cold feet on his toasty skin without tooooo much fuss. Every night he brings me a bottle of water and rubs my back. Every morning he puts a towel and wash cloth out for me. He kisses me bye even if I am still asleep - or so he thinks.

I can't imagine better years but I know they are coming. We are beautiful, we are blessed, we are in love forever.

The only thing that can make our lives even more complete will be a child, but I am thankful for God letting me so blessed with Scott...I almost feel selfish sometimes asking for more.

Ok....that wasn't too brief but hey...19 years!!!

I am going bionic!

2009-02-04T12:16:00.003-05:00

Today was my appointment with the surgeon that does the spinal stimulator. He went over my chart and asked me a lot of questions. He examined my ROM and pain triggers. He was very talkative, but also listened to me.

He asked me my thoughts after watching the video and such and I told him if this was something that would give me relief that I would let him do it on the roof in the snow!

He then told me that he doesn't just do this on just anyone. He is very selective and that if he had any real reservations he wouldn't even consider it. He said that this procedure is not a money maker for him. But the gratification of seeing someone that has been in pain so long have significant relief is worth it. I really feel like he meant it.

He said he doesn't do it like some other doctors...just lining a group of patients up and bam bam bam. He said he likes to be very hands on and available.

When my insurance ok's it, I will get a call with an appointment to come in and have a temporary one put in. I will have this for about a week. If things improve, if it is significant then they will take that one out and wait a month and put the real one in.

He said there is a certain amount of improvement that he wants before he will put the permanent one in. He said that some people just want this to work so bad that they exaggerate their improvement so he doesn't tell the parameters he uses.

But, I wouldn't want another surgery if it isn't gonna work.

So, just waiting for the insurance to ok it!

Aside from that...we are heading to Myrtle Beach this weekend with the inlaws. I am so excited to see the Huggins - even Burt!! :) The weather there is supposed to be great.

Speaking of weather...our mountains got blasted! I want to go up and see some. Then Leslie from Myrtle Beach called and said it was doing some serious snowing there this morning! Crazy, we got a speck...UGH!

Thanks for all your prayers.

My sister got her results back and they got all the cancer - praise the Lord. Her margins were clear.

Still pray for my families. Pray for healing hearts, and mending of relationships.

I guess that is all for now. Gonna catch a cat nap...the docs appointment was early and I don't do 6 am very well!

Happy Birthday to me ... still!

2009-02-02T00:30:00.011-05:00

Wow, 40 ain't so bad!!! The birthday day was great. I woke up to hugs and kisses from the best present I ever got. The day before all my brothers called me and told me happy birthday along with some other family. It really meant so much to me for the calls and wishes, I would rather get cards and calls and wishes than any gift....those gifts from the heart mean so much!

I wake up and my day was pretty mellow. I knew Scott had me a gift, he put it all up in my face the night before and said he was putting it in the car so I just knew he took it with him. He called me all day and said for me to be at his mom's by 5:30 because he had dinner plans. I rode around in our car for a little bit, went to the mall to spend a gift card and such. I got in the back of the explorer to find my boots and then finally got to Lena's and got dressed and put my make up on.

He came in and was all smilin' and asked me if I wanted my gifts now or later....DUH, and then he tells me that my gifts were in the car...MY car!! I had been riding around with them...grr.

He got me a Nintendo DS with a few games, one is the cooking thingy....I LOVE it, has some great recipes and it shows you step by step what to do. I also got brain age and won't comment what my first attempt at finding my brain age was.

He also bought me a lap top, mine got crashed in our wreck and I do have a great desk top but I loved my lappy. Actually we got two lap tops - umm, we bought one at Sams, got it home and then found it at Office Max for 200 bux cheaper!!! Soo, we had to order it and I kept the Sam's one until it got here Friday. We have the Sam's one packed up ready to take back. We got such a good deal and got 3 years of in my home service free too. I love it, it has light scribe on it which will write directly onto the cd/dvd...super cool. It also has a remote so we can watch DVD's. My paint shop and photo shop runs soooo much faster too. Picaso is still my favorite free thing and it runs great on here too. I figured out how to transfer my feeds, which was stressing me out.

He also got me all the Bare Escentuals make up I wanted. I made a list of things thinking he would just get me a few things and he got them all!! I had used Lena's and loved it. The eyeliner is the best thing I have ever had in make up. It is powder but it sticks great. I don't break out with it either and that is the biggest thing, my stupid sensitive skin.

My in laws gave me moooolah and flowers. Scott also got me the greatest card. I will have to post it, because it mirrors some of what I had posted about my birthday. He hadn't read my blog...so it just makes me gooey inside thinking how we are on the same wave length.

I thought it was all over and I was so happy with it all. Then Saturday morning my sweet hubby said he had to go get a tool from my dad to work on his Audi. Then we were going out to eat. So I got ready and we headed out to my parents. Pulled up into the driveway and there was my in-laws van, a family friends car, my brothers cars...hummm. Something was a foot I do believe my dear Watson.

On the door was this lovely sign....

My mom thought she was so clever...and I guess she was :)

The sun was so bright out, and when I walked in it took my eyes a few minutes to adjust but there were my family and friends with big smiles wishing me a happy birthday. There was the table full of food...all my faves!
The kids were playing on the piano, everyone else were talking and laughing. That alone made this day my favorite yet. These wonderful people came to celebrate my birthday, they came because they loved me enough to take time out of their lives to be with me. How special!

Mom and Lena did it all, Scott just kept me at bay. I wondered why I couldn't spend the day at Lena's Friday...she was cooking all day.

I can't thank them enough for this memory. The prayer John prayed before we ate was so special, I wish I had recorded it. Daddy was so sweet and funny. Todd and Tommy hugged me like they meant it buddy, I got so tickled at both of them.

Everyone ate until they were sick, between my mom and Lena there are few that can out cook them. I will post the recipe for the Chocolate Supreme thingy Lena made...D-I-V-I-N-E!

The kids, all of them though...that was the best part of it all. Chirsten and Caleb helped me blow out the candles, and they played with Italy, Ida Hope and Illan. Illan kept saying that Chirsten was his...mine mine mine....haha.

I was so busy with the kids I didn't get pictures of everyone - somehow I missed my in -laws all together :(

But here are the pictures I did take -

This is mom and one of her best friends and a great family friend Debbie.

The kids helped me blow out the candles...then they helped themselves to licking the icing off of the numbers.

This was the cake after Chirsten and Caleb got the pieces they wanted with the most icing...silly babies!!

Chirsten and Ida Hope made quick friends! Scott and his best little buddy!
Illan wanted Chirsten for his very own!

That isn't a cigar in Caleb's mouth...it was a birthday blower thingy. I love them!! Illan and I...he gives great kisses and even better hugs!

I don't think he can go a minute without smiling...and he has such pretty teeth!

Baby Italy...she didn't feel good and was a little fussy - except when she was in my arms of course :) She is crawling like she has done it forever. It was soooo cute watching her little round butt getting it across the floor!

Daddy and Italy, he loves that baby girl!

Brother and Sister, he loves her so much. They both have such great dispositions.

Mommy and Italy, Kita had to feed her before she could eat herself!

Tears...different kinds but they still make my eyes hurt!

2009-01-30T16:48:00.003-05:00

I caught up on reading a couple blogs I follow and read this letter. It is amazing, as is this family!

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/01/letter-to-stellan.html

Then Kari sent me a link to this blog. WOW, my heart hurts.

http://www.half12.blogspot.com/

Please join me in praying for Tuesday, for peace for it to be as easy as going to sleep in her mothers arms and waking up in God's.

will post more about my birthday tomorrow, my heart just isn't in it right now.

I'm not 40, I'm 18 with 22 years experience!

2009-01-28T10:28:00.006-05:00

THEN...awww

and NOW

Turning 40 had made me think of where I was, where I am. Scott and I celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary next month and it is hard to remember life before him. He is my rock. I have wonderful family that are there when I need them. Friends that accept me faults and all.

I was saved when I was 6, but honestly I really feel like my walk didn't start until after Scott and I married. I mean, I knew I was saved, I went to church, I prayed, I didn't go crazy sinning...but something about having someone walking with me made it more substantial. Then ours really grew when we joined our church in Myrtle Beach.

I have regrets, I have things I wish that I never had to go through, hind sight is 20/20 no doubt.

I know sometimes I feel like my arms are empty - no baby. But there are times they are over flowing. Scott can make me forget about everything. I have children in my life that make me feel loved and needed. I haven't gave up on my child, never will until God tells me to.
But other than knowing I need to get my license renewed today...I feel the same.
I know Scott and I are spending the evening together - just us. He rubbed a gift under my nose all night and then had the nerve to take it with him to work so I wouldn't peak....how rude!!

Yesterday my family called wishing me a happy birthday. That meant so much.

so 40...where did it all go? It went spending time with family and friends hugging, fishing, laughing, praying, crying, eating, loving, fussing, making up, shopping, living, eating, learning, going to church, reading, driving to santee or the beach, fighting, having parties and yes - eating...our family is one crazy eating any chance they can together family. Looking forward to the next 40!

2009-01-21T18:35:00.002-05:00

I had asked for prayers for my sister, and she is in surgery right now. Dad called and said the biopsy they did showed cancer. They are taking both ovaries. They are cutting down to tissue that isn't cancerous. Her name is Debbie, please keep her in your prayers.

We got snow! Very little, but it snowed. It was so pretty while it lasted.

Nothing much else going on in my fabulous life. Nothing exciting that is. Just the same ole same ole. Well, that and 7 more days and I will be 29 again :)...ok maybe not 29 but it is my blog and that is how old I will be here foreva!

BRR...new church

2009-01-18T19:53:00.012-05:00

Haha...not that it was cold in the new church...

Brr...been way cold! I think we got down to 4 degrees the other night...I know, that isn't as cold as other places but 4 degrees for NC is rare. It was up to 40 today but the fountain uptown is still frozen. Had to take a picture. This fountain is in front of the old Waldensian Church in Valdese, NC.

This is the sweetest girl around playing with the ice...scaring her mawmaw to death while she hung over the side to pick up the ice out of the pool.

We visited a new church today - Tri City Baptist. The pastor was out on vacation and the associate pastor preached. (This or something similar happens a lot to us, the last church we visited the pastor retired the Sunday before!) The associate pastor was great though, if the pastor is as good as him we will be impressed. The choir was awesome, they have an orchestra which was so cool too. The church is bigger than any we have ever attended. Grand Strand in Myrtle Beach was big, but this one is about twice the size. That fact alone made me hesitant, but people were so friendly and they made you feel very welcome.

I am picky about the music where ever we visit. I like contemporary music but I also like hymns too. So far every church we visited has been either one or the other...this one was blended like our church is in Myrtle Beach...so YAY! The church has a casual feel to it too, I don't mean jeans and t-shirts but not all the men wore suit and ties and the women didn't all wear hats and super dressy dresses.

They had two young people get baptized today. They received the Lord at the Christmas performance. I love a church that you can hear the shouts of Amen and praise the Lord's! So far there isn't anything we didn't like. We didn't go to Sunday School, that will be next time.

The sermon was great. He preached on the sanctity of life. I don't want to start a debate, but he spoke on abortion. I was rattled by the statistics. Almost 4000 babies are killed every day. He spoke about the arguments that pro-choice people use to prove their points. He outlined 5, but this one really made me sit back and think.

The baby was created during rape or incest. Or that the birth of the baby will danger the mother's health. I am sure that things like that happen but I didn't realize that these reasons account for only 5% or less of all abortions! MOUTH AGAPE! He told that if we thought these babies should be aborted that we would never had Ethel Waters who sang His eye is on the sparrow...her mother a very young (13 I think he said) was raped by a much older white man. What if she had aborted her baby!? He gave a few other examples but this is an emotional subject for me obviously, and I had to try to think of something else for a few minutes to advert the tears. Didn't work of course, but it did make me lose track.

Scott was teary too, but for a different reason. Caleb and Chirsten went with us to church (as did my in laws). About half way through the service Caleb crawled up in Scott's lap, wrapped his little arms around Scott's beefy neck and went to sleep. Just before he drifted off he said Scott was softer than a pillow :). When we get in the car, I told Scott...Honey, just think if he loves you this much how much your own child is going to love you. You woulda thought I pinched him...he sobbed and said Caleb will always be like a son to him. He would give his life for either of them, he loves them with all that he is. I can't imagine ... I really can't imagine how that love could be more for his own children.

Chirsten wanted Red Lobster, and they get what they want from their paw paw. Caleb hasn't let Scott get out of his sight all day. He begged for us to stay the night with him here at the in laws and Scott would not say no for anything. They have been joined at the hip. Scott plays online video games with people and they talk on something where they hear each other, and Scott and Caleb played. He let Caleb talk to the 'guys' and you should have heard them. I stole the lap top for a bit to do this and they are crashed on the bed playing x-box now. I tried to play with Caleb the other day...some racing game. I won and Caleb looked at me and said so matter of factly.."Uncle Scooter lets me win!" HAHA.

This is a couple of pictures from Christmas...Best buddies!

I have been feeling pretty good since this last block...except for some crazy nausea. You know what nausea says to a girl with infertility! I wouldn't think twice about it - BUT...with my back feeling some better we umm..well, I umm...let's just say Scott doesn't feel quite as deprived as he had been *blush*!

I am not delusional, even though all the 'dancing' happened mid cycle with optimal CM...so who knows. God fed the masses with fish and bread, turned water into wine and raised the dead...He could just as easily make a miracle in me! He already has, when he forgave my sins and came into my heart. Wooo hoo gonna start shouting next *smiles*.

Be praying for my half sister, she has surgery next Wednesday for a mass on her ovary. She is in her 50's so she doesn't need the ovary but who wants surgery!?! Also, my brother in laws baby is due soon. I am not sure of the date, but I think it won't be too far away. There are some family issues going on but Scott and I do pray that everything goes smoothly and the baby and mom are healthy.

I gotta catch up on my blogging and catch up on reading. I guess this is it for now. I am gonna have to run some boys out of the bed! Chirsten and I snuggled up and she was almost asleep in my lap.

Oh lemme tell you this. I have to take insulin and Lantus. She gave me both of my shots tonight. She wants to be a doctor or a vet when she grows up and she didn't even hesitate. She did great too. She is 8, I just love her ... ooo so much.

Have a great night ya'll.

Last nerve block...thank God!

2009-01-07T22:54:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I go for my last nerve block for my back. We are also scheduling the appointment with the surgeon to discuss/plan for the stimulator. Pep asked what that was so I will explain. It is a small implant that goes under the skin with leads that go to the spine at the place where the nerve is causing the pain. It give off a current that blocks the pain from getting to the brain. It is a gentle tingle that is continuous. The one we are talking about has a remote control of sorts that increases/decreases the intensity. I can't drive with it on, and he said most turn it off at night - the tingling he says can be a little too much for sleep. It is along the lines of a pacemaker of sorts I guess.

I have to have a psychological evaluation before they will do it...lol, guess that might rule me out huh? The doctor said that it is not something they just do. I have had 3 back surgeries and I am still in pain, possibly more than before. He called it failed back surgery syndrome...hmm.

Scott and I said we weren't gonna weigh but on the first of every month...but I am addicted to the scale! I have lost 3 pounds!!! wooot. All we have changed is no soft drinks, I haven't even had a diet one. I think all that sodium out of my diet is helping a lot.

Scott works with a lady that adopted one child a while back and is about to adopt two more. He is going to get more information from her and who she went through. He said he thinks she went through the foster system. We will see.

Guess that is it...except 21 more days until I reach the top of the hill and start the rapid slippery slide down it. UGH I knew I couldn't stay 29 forever.

Ya'll have a great night, thanks for all the prayers...peace surrounds me more and more. We are visiting a new church on Sunday...I am excited really. I have felt pulled to this church for a while, but it is a bit away...maybe 30 minutes, but if that is where He wants me....zoooom zoooom zooooom!

New year...renewed Hope

2009-01-06T15:52:00.002-05:00

After all the crazy emotions of the holidays - ya'll know the ones - I feel refreshed in a sense. We have set some goals for this year, and we made some resolutions for the year. Things that are reachable, things that we need to change or happen in our lives. We feel good about it.

We also talked about what direction to go in to expand our family. We are getting our ducks in a row and then hopefully by March or April we will go full steam ahead. One of our ducks being...

HEALTH...we are both over weight, we both want to lose enough weight to be able to run around after a child. Also I hope to get the spinal stimulator put in soon so I will be in less pain and be able to run around too!

My birthday is this month...the big 4-0. SIGH I know as it gets closer it will hit hard. Where did time go?? I just feel like the last 10 years have flown by while I am still 29 going through even more fertility treatments...realistically expecting a child way before I was 40.

But, my hope is renewed...we both feel like this is going to happen soon. We know that God wants us to be happy. There have been some other things that happened in our lives that make us really feel like something is about to finally happen.

I have a lot of catching up to do. I haven't done much of anything online lately, I have had so much family drama going on and have really not been feeling great lately - physically and emotional. But I am better.

The holidays were hard for many reasons. Aunt Flow visited and that makes me so hormonal. I miss my brother Mark so much at holidays. And now our family misses Chris. He hasn't passed away, he isn't dead...though he has said we are dead to him. None of it makes sense. God just opened my eyes that I can't change any one's mind that doesn't want to be changed. Even though he is hurting his entire family - I can't make him care. All I can do is pray for him and his new family. Thank God for the children's mother (not his wife)...she gives us time with the children; that alone takes the edge off of the pain. Those two wonderful children make all the stress and grief worth it. Just please pray for him and our family. He is out of church, pray that God convicts him and he finds his way back into God's will.

Finally got my blogger template updated...not my favorite but I like it.

On the first day of Christmas...

2008-12-21T23:37:00.001-05:00

We had christmas today at my inlaws...was a great day. I am so blessed to have them in my family. If I never have a child...I am still blessed.

I must tell Jesus

2008-12-17T16:22:00.000-05:00

I must tell Jesus all of my trials,
I cannot bear these burdens alone;
In my distress He kindly will help me,
He ever loves and cares for His own.

I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!
I cannot bear my burdens alone;
I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!
Jesus can help me, Jesus alone.

I must tell Jesus all of my troubles,
He is a kind, compassionate Friend;
If I but ask Him He will deliver,
Make of my troubles quickly an end.

Tempted and tried I need a great Savior,
One who can help my burdens to bear;
I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus:
He all my cares and sorrows will share.

pictures

2008-12-11T17:51:00.001-05:00

Sunrise

2008-12-11T17:38:00.003-05:00

This was one of the pictures from Santee...was sunrise! The trip was good, a lot of rest. I missed all the business that used to accompany a trip to Santee. I did enjoy my parents and brother a lot though! More pictures to come.

Inquiring minds...

2008-11-30T04:09:00.001-05:00

wanna know what Camera I am using. I am using the Canon Digital Rebel XT SLR...hoping Santa brings me the newest Canon for Christmas.

I LOVE it!

Ta Ta for now

2008-11-30T03:36:00.005-05:00

I am bouncing in my seat - if possible. My heart just skips a beat every time I think of tomorrow.

Tomorrow - my parents and I hit the road.
Tomorrow- family will start trickling in from day to day.
Tomorrow- as we pull up into the drive way and daddy unlocks the house I will run (in my best and least painful run) to the back glass door, down the steps of the deck...down the familiar path that I can walk in the dark with no lights...down the wooden pier to the end and take a few deep breaths as I look out across the lake that my family has visited since I was about 10. (My father fished there with Roland Martin long before I was born).

I loved the beach, but there is something about this lake. Santee Cooper in South Carolina. Lake Marion to some. This is the true meaning of vacation. We used to stay at this judges house my dad knew, then dad met up with this woman called Gaynelle ( couldn't make that up if I tried!). She is a super sweet lady, she has a daughter named Little Gaynelle :p...still not kidding. She lives in a house with a helicopter pad, huge hunting land...just awesome. She has a house she rents out - mostly to hunters, but her and mom and dad hit it off and we started going there every year...two or more times a year. It isn't fancy by any means - the judges house was and it kind of made us all work harder to be neater and such. While we still like it clean, no one freaks out if you run in with sand on your feet or so excited about the crappie you just caught that you run through the house with it dripping a little :). It is homey, has a pool table for those rainy days or those way too hot days....also great for those 3 a.m. pool tournaments!! We have had more than 20 staying. There is a piano too and some of my favorite memories have been hearing Mark play the piano and make it sound in tune. Johnny too has that talent.

Mom and dad loved Santee so much they bought a house there, we all loved it. Then dad got sick and he sold it. But we always had the Clarendon Club! But we haven't been there really in almost 10 years I guess. We stayed at Johnny's place a few times...but nothing is like this house.

TV is just local chanels, it is 10 miles from the highway I think and unless you have your cell phone you don't have to worry about phone calls. I just can't wait.

I have packed enough yarn to knit and crochet a blanket to cover the house haha. Camera is ready to go too - I promise some pictures. I can't wait to spend some time with family and hopefully catch a few fish.

I will post soon as I get back! ((HUGS))

one of our biggest catches!! HOOOOGE catfish!

umm did I mention there are gators there and we swim in that water!?!?!

Brad and his big catch...that was about 15 years ago - aww

Daddy and Johnny in front of 'our' house...yumm at the fish fry!

you know you wanna be there too!!

I wish I were alone.

2008-11-24T01:25:00.005-05:00

I wish that I were the only one in the world who prayed for God to answer my prayer tonight...you know that prayer about us having a baby.

I wish that it was just me who couldn't drift right off to sleep without sighing...thinking about the empty room down the hall.

I wish it were only me who got choked up seeing an old friend after a few years when they asked me about our kids.

I wish on every star above that I alone avoided the baby aisle like satan himself was going to jump out at me if I dared to turn my buggy in that direction.

I wish I were alone.

Why can't it just be me who gets that knot the size of Alaska in my stomach when mother's day approaches (father's day too)?

What I wouldn't give to be the one who smiled when the "We're pregnant" announcement was made...to just sneak out shortly to my car to let the stream of tears fall.

If it was just me there would be no need for IVF or reproductive endocrinologists, fertility clinics, fertility drugs, shots. Others wouldn't feel like they have road the 'wand' so many times they should get frequent flyer miles!

If it were just me, the pain wouldn't change. I still would feel empty. Whoever came up with the quote misery loves company should have put an asterisk there to say * except for people with infertility*. I wish that something silly or creative brought me together with these wonderful people I have met here and there. I am saddened that our first thread of communication started from pain that can't be described properly.

I wish I were alone.

I wish I were the only one who watched their husbands ache to be called daddy and it hasn't happened.
I wish it were just me who declined baby showers due to self preservation.
I wish it were only me who felt left out of the PTA, potty training, swimming lessons, 'family' time, and the spit up club where they wear it like perfume or something.
I want to be the only one who sees some stupid commercial and cries or some movie...heck even some cartoon movie like Meet the Robinson's (which I will deny to have watched more times than Officer and A Gentleman, Ghost, Pride and Prejudice all together...I can deny it this is my blog!).

I wish I were alone....

But I am not.

So many precious people I have met (here and in person) share this struggle.
I am not the only one who buys things here and there ... having the hope that one day our child will need this.
In that same respect I am not the only one who eventually gives it to someone when that faith wanes.
If on mother's day - all the tears from every woman longing to be celebrated as well were collected we could fill a few Olympic sized pools easily - I am not alone.
Even when we don't tell others, I know I am not alone in feeling almost like I am suffocating as Christmas inches closer and closer.
I am not the only one who has every intention of buying real gifts for the children in my life and sometimes stuff cash in a card and hand it over.
I am not the only one unfortunately who avoids the mall at Christmas like a man avoids the tampon aisle. This girl likes to shop, but my heart can't handle the lines of strollers filled with the cutest little faces all waiting to tell Santa what they want for Christmas.
I know that it isn't just me who bites her tongue (most of the time) until it bleeds when well meaning relatives (mostly old aunts for some reason) tell us "Just relax - don't think about it...your cousin's mother's uncle's nieces twice removed sister went on vacation and got pregnant...she relaxed". *For those times I can't bite my tongue I reply..."ummm Aunt Millie...her husband didn't go on vacation with her - he was in jail remember? When they get Valium for the ovary problem I have and it will help - lemme know!"

I am not alone.

I could list every person I know and have encountered that share this *ugh stuck for a word that can express it...sigh - nothing* sadness and it would take me all night and day and then some to put them all here. But you know you have some of those people who you just feel like you have joined elbows with and are walking on and on. And when one of us get discouraged and weak, tired, angry, confused, broken...we know that we are being carried by the others in our chain of elbows. We know that someone is lifting us up in prayer, just thinking about us, calling or writing...something. We all wish that no one had to experience this with us - that we carried this burden alone - we all wish it. *Wish in one hand and poop in the other - see which one fills up first...my brother in law says all the time* But we are here. Some days are better than others, some things we can handle and some things are so heavy we can't take another step.

So many have inspired me and carried me when they didn't even know it.

It is 2:30 in the a.m. Pillow is soaked, Scott is snoring, I gotta pee (sure you wanted to know that). (Pillow is soaked with tears...not pee - I know Burt would have said something smart about that!) I go tomorrow for the second nerve block, this one did good for about 2 weeks and it was like someone flipped a switch on Monday or so...and I am back to walking like the hunchback and saying 'oy' way too much. Pain meds aren't touching it; physically I am back where I was. But that ray of hope that I can have days where I can think outside of the pain, where I can drive, where I can make love *sorry Misti, Cara and other family...I know you really didn't want to know that*...that has helped me emotionally and mentally more than anything.

I have to have a beta done before they will do it, the meds and the fluoroscope can be detrimental to a baby. I would endure whatever pain I had to for them to come back and say we can't do the block you are pregnant. Which I know will not happen - Aunt Flow...Aunt Millies sister is visiting ha ha.

This is a crazy post I know. I was watching the clock and when it is all one number like 11:11 or 2:22 or 1:11 I say an extra prayer. It was 1:11 am and I started praying for family and friends, for Amanda and the craziness she is being put through, for Rebekah to fill up that beautiful nursery, for Robyn to not go through this next IVF and still be in the ranks of 'married - no children'. I had so many I was praying for and I asked God to just let me be alone in infertility land, I could take it. Lord - I can do anything with You in my life. Yeah, I knew that was like asking for a money tree to sprout in my yard with enough seedlings to start my own forest...don't ask for that tree...I have asked many times and I just don't think it is happening.

I should be in bed - well I am in bed but I should be asleep. Well it is 3:15 I better turn this off. If you got down this far - it isn't that I don't want you here...as in my life...I just wish you weren't HERE..you know...here where our arms are empty.

Random picture post...

2008-11-16T01:35:00.003-05:00

I got a new lens for my camera and have been playing a little with it. I saw the cat in the yard and sat on the poarch and thought I would zoom in a bit. Aww he is licking his lips...how cute...NOT

Not so sweet...he has a MOUSE...poor thing, gross...I even yelled gross!

That is when he looked up at me like I was stealing his prize...ick

This a picture at the lake, the trees and water was so pretty - it was so warm that day...

This was another picture that day...wished I was out on that boat. This girl LOVES to fish!

The rest of these were just some random pictures I took here and there. I love this tree in our yard, the leaves are always magnificent!

I was taking some pictures of dads flowers and spotted this honey bee. He raises bees so I am sure it was one of his. Just loved catching it and the bumble bee too.

This picture was taken at Kobe's in Hickory after eating dinner there for Chirsten's 8th birthday. Aunt Shirley, Lena, Scott, Me, Caleb, Chirsten, John and Amanda. I am so blessed that Scott chose to share his wonderful family with me.

Little this and that...

2008-11-13T13:28:00.010-05:00

The block afforded me the ability to go to the beauty shop! I haven't been able to really sit in the chair and lean back in the chair to wash my hair...so I got my hair cut, put on some make up and enjoyed my scalp massage!

The beach was amazing. Rest and a little shopping can nearly cure what ails ya!

I tried out my new lens and took this shot of the moon...soo much fun!

first and foremost - Jubilee blessed my soul, spirit, heart...whew, all that and everywhere in between! The music was amazing, songs that speak right to where I needed some healing. The preachers preached right to me! My cup runneth over! 4 words impacted me the most...In EVERYTHING give Thanks!! I was 'not so gently' reminded that He puts things in my life for a reason - good or bad. For every bad thing there are two (or more) good things and that one bad thing gets more powerful and I forget to be thankful.
Time with my mom was a balm like none other. I don't always have extra money to spend on her, but watching her eyes light up is worth it all. Snuggling up with her, talking to her about silly stuff or her favorite - God stuff. Laughing so hard with her that tears flow and sometimes even snot (I am sure you wanted to know that). Watching her getting lost in thought while staring at God's ocean. Hearing her sing How great Thou art softly. As a teen thinking that my life would be so much more fun when I get out of the house and away from mom...and now as a grown woman grasping for every minute to spend with her. Sitting with her in church, watching her eyes well up with tears and seeing them splash down her cheeks. Some people when God moves them praise the Lord, they raise their hands, stand up...my mother sobs, she cries like a baby...can't control it kind of cry - and that is me too!

Time with my Aunt Louise and her daughter Lori and granddaughter Courtney was wonderful too. We are so much alike. We laugh with our whole bodies! Sometimes not even knowing what we are laughing at - but still cackling. Courtney and I are a lot alike too I think, she is silly and loves to make people smile and loves the Lord with all our hearts. She is a homebody too, she would rather be with family than anyone else in the world. We pulled pranks on each other and everyone else...including Scott haha. I really want to start spending more time with her.

Courtney and me.

The weather was divine...never below 70 and always sunny skies. The pools were warm and we swam outside and inside even at night. The dolphins were playing, kids running on the beach...so wonderful. The hotel was the best hotel ever. We had a 3 bedroom condo and it was perfect. The staff and food was great, and my only complaint was parking and all the golfers. Though mom made them fun too...we would get on the elevator with a group of them and the elevator would say..."This elevator is going down". My mom would giggle and say we might be going down now but one day soon Jesus is gonna be taking us up! I just don't know if those golfers knew what to say. She left gospel tracts everywhere.

But the best was time with the Huggins. Colin and Jack Henry are dolls, Colin has grown up so much. He has such a great big vocabulary and he almost always uses full sentences. He would say I want to see the dragon, mommy or Guess what I want for Christmas Hopie. Ask him if he liked something and he would say Yes I do mommy....so cute. Him and Scott played a lot...they were so funny together. But hugging Leslie and Burt, spending time with them...having dinner, laughing and catching up was more than amazing. We couldn't get enough of them...they took us to the Mellow Mushroom for pizza - AHH best ever! Colin is in LOVE with Scooby Doo and he kept saying he wanted the doughnut Scooby Doo...I was like what?? FINALLY Leslie told me he wanted the grown up Scooby Doo movie. Burt couldn't find it so Scott went through the movies at Wal-Mart and found it - you should have seen his eyes. Ooo we love them so much.

The best/worst part of the trip...goodbye hugs and lovin'. Scott just can't stop talking about Colin and how he has grown and how smart he is. Scott said his favorite cartoons as a child was Scooby Doo too! We love them all so much, Scott and I had our share of tears heading back to the hotel that night. Hating that we miss a lot with the boys. Praying for a child soon so they can sorta all grow up together. I learn so much from Leslie and Burt, they are such great parents and they have so many of the same styles and such we would love to use with our own children.

Scott and I got to spend some wonderful time together *wink*. We laid down in bed about 9 one night and fell asleep just snuggling and slept until 11 the next morning.

I really was wonderful, leaving was the worst part...I miss it all. But I came home with a smile, feeling more like me than I had in a LONG time. The block is wearing off but knowing there can be times without debilitating pain has renewed a lot in my heart.

******************************
Ok...just got back from the doctor and he walked in, looked at his chart, looked back up at me then said Hope?? What's up with you?? You have had a hair cut, got make up on and wearing something other than sweats - AND you are smiling! I just laughed and told him how I felt better with the nerve block and that just knowing that there is something that will give me relief even if just for a short time has changed my whole aspect. I told him that the new doctor laid it out, didn't sugar coat anything...just said it how it is! He told me that the nerve was damaged, that there was scar tissue and inflammation and this was going to be something I deal with for the rest of my life. I guess that should have been upsetting...but I found relief in having something definite said to me. The false hope of well, maybe it will get better in a year, ... blah blah blah...that was so hard because every day I woke up saying ok Lord, is this the day?

The block has worn off pretty much but even that little bit of relief was enough to change - well let me be me again. I think it is next week I go for the next one. I never thought I would be excited to get stuck with a huuuge needle.

Just an aside...HUMMUS IS DELISH! I had never tasted it, and while at the beach we went to the Mellow Mushroom for pizza and tasted it and wowza! We loved their pizza too, we ate lunch there on the way home and though Scott said he would NEVER eat hummus again, I made him taste it and he ate more than I did - HE LOVED IT! So today we found a new place in Hickory Jason's Deli and it was the best salad bar EVER (I have capped a lot of words in the paragraph huh?). They also had red pepper hummus - slurp. Speaking of hummus, we stopped by Sam's and lo and behold they were sampling hummus! This cranberry hummus and the roasted red pepper...we bought both!

Ok gonna load up some pictures of the trip and post them for ya's. I really don't know what all I said in this post because I had to leave for the docs...will probably think of more later. This was really done the next day.

*************************************

Friday night we went with John and Lena to get some Christmas decos for the yard and some things for the kids for Christmas. Holidays are SO hard. Scott and I would have to visit the tile aisle to keep the tears from drowning us. (we were in Lowes - they have great decos) When we left in our car, I told Scott how I wished that along with Chirsten and Caleb - John and Lena were decorating for our children. They are such great grandparents and while I fear losing my own parents before my child knows them, I share that same fear about John and Lena. They are such a blessing to me, more than in - laws. I love them so much. I know that some don't have that blessing of a great set of in laws, I do. They treat me like one of their own. John is a big picker on-er. Him and I go at it 24/7 when we are together. I tell him he is my favorite father in law...haha he is my only.

This is Saturday and we had a great day. We woke up and went with John and Lena to Boone/Blowing rock and the shops on the parkway. It snowed some while we were there...so pretty. We found some great deals and I found a beautiful purse...red! I am usually a simple black or brown purse. My most favorite is my black Coach purse. But I saw this in the Bass outlet and had to have it. Tag said 84 bux...that is a bit for me right now and I just knew I wouldn't spend that on a purse while I wasn't working. Well, there was a sign that said 60% off...hmm that is getting better! I had a 5 dollar off coupon and also a 20% off coupon. The cashier let me use all three discounts and I got the purse for 27 bucks. I am so excited.

Bought the kids a few things, I could have lived in oshgosh. When we do have kids (notice I said when and not if) Scott is gonna have to keep the keys/credit cards/cash/bank cards/checks locked up somewhere... I LOVE shopping for my kiddos. Had a great time shopping for Colin and Jack Henry at the beach.

I am gonna hit send soon...it is 1:20 am on Sunday morning. I can't sleep so I thought I would finish this up.

Boo

2008-10-28T17:23:00.002-04:00

Figured it was Halloween so I would Booo ya!

Someone said you know you are hooked when you think about blogging and other bloggers when you are no where near a computer! me=hooked!

The last month or so has been pretty intense. My pain level jumped after a cold I had. I guess all the coughing and sneezing strained my back and I just could barely function. I was ill, cranky and just down right anti-social!

I was supposed to be going to IL for a wedding and I kept trying to tell Scott the pain wasn't that bad - I could make it. Finally the Sunday before I was to leave he made me promise to call the doctor. I went and had another MRI and saw the doctor. He upped some of my medications and added oxy_con_tin. I am petrified of narcotics - addiction is in my family and I don't want that battle. But I was hurting so bad, I knew I needed something. My doctor referred me to another surgeon who also is over a pain clinic. I went to see him this past Friday and after 822 bux I walked out with a smile on my face...ok it was a drug induced smile, but I felt better than I had in at least a year!

The doctor said that the MRI showed the nerve was inflamed and irritated. He said with that and the scar tissue from the surgeries I will more than likely always have to have pain control. He and my primary doctor discussed the spinal stimulator and decided to try the nerve block first. They put me on a table and my butt was up in the air...attractive mental image I know :), shot me up with some meds and then put some medications - including a steroid into my back to block the pain from getting to my brain.

I read my post op papers when I got home and missed the part that I would feel better for the first few hours due to the numbing medications and anesthesia...but it takes 3-7 days for the steroids to start working. I felt so good that night. The next day was a family reunion and I over did it...sigh. I rested though the last two days and am feeling some better. Not Friday night better but still better than I felt before the block.

I am hoping that this will be the ticket. He said he will give me three and if they help, that is indicative that the stimulator will help as well and will be permanent. They don't like giving me steroids due to my diabetes.

I do think about the blogs I follow all the time. I plan on catching up and hope to leave some messages here and there.

Gotta update my blog theme too...thinking snow - ohh we got some on our mountains today!! How crazy is that!?!

Thanks

2008-09-30T20:05:00.004-04:00

For all the encouragement. I detest getting in that frame of mind.

Dad visited the doctors today and they didn't see anything new, just he is being really slow at getting over the funk he had. He called me and we talked for about an hour yesterday - unlike him really, but he was at the VA hospital in Asheville and they were being extremely slow. We just chatted about random things, I asked him about going to Santee fishing maybe in a month or so and he seemed so disinterested. Besides all things God, fishing and golfing are his passions. I just don't know how to react to it. SIGH

Other than that, we started a strict budget for the Mr. and I. The effects of me not working have caught up with us financially and we have got to do something. So, I created an Excel spreadsheet budget thingy and already am amazed at how much we spend. We aren't changing too much this month just really watching where it is going and then November 1st, we will pass out from the lack of money in our bank account and where it went. YUCK!

Spending tomorrow with Lena...kinda strange, her and I have gotten so close. And as Kooo Kooooo as this may sound...I actually love being with my mother in law. Go ahead call me crazy!

Anyone else have trouble deciding what to watch with all the new things on TV? So much I wanted to keep up with but have no time to really watch them. I asked Scott when Hero's and Lost was coming back on and he said..."Um, Hun...already on!"

I am making the cutest afghans! One is for Caleb and it is a spiderman web looking one - super cute! I have to have a few going at once because I get bored working on the same thing over and over. I have made some hats and scarves for some kiddos in IL that I am going to see soon. Umm, I have found a super cute hat and poncho to make for Italy and Ida Hope.

When miss Rebekah gives me the colors she wants I am gonna start on her baby blanket...here it is - can use whatever colors you want - thought some lime-ish green would be pretty in there somewhere too!

hmm guess that is all.

Scott and Hope...

2008-09-28T23:14:00.005-04:00

Sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First came love,
Second came marriage,
Then here comes Hope pushing...umm, well...nothing.

From the time of my first crush (Steve Penland a friend of my brothers...I was like 10 and he was like 25...but he was so cute!) Anyways - we all have had that said about us, we believed that is how it happens. I followed the rules dang it, where is my flipping baby carriage!?!

I have been trying, I have been praying. I want some peace until things are right to start our adoption journey. But then I have days like today or yesterday and I just feel my heart is broken and that every day it breaks a little more.

Friday we got Italy, we went to John and Lena's (our inlaws) and spent the night with her...and with the Chirsten and Caleb. Italy was fussy - first time being fussy with us. She is teething and had a little cold. But the no sleep and worry and her being high maintenance was worth it just to see her little smile the next morning when we woke up.

Saturday afternoon after the kids had left, I gave her a bath and was getting her ready to go home. John and Lena came into the bedroom and all four of us were hanging out with Italy passing her around basically. John was the biggest hit, she just laughed and cooed and flirted with him...it was precious. John loved it too. I sat back tears teetering feeling the crushing weight of the realization that this isn't our time really. This isn't PawPaw John entertaining his granddaughter. This wasn't my baby hanging out with her daddy and MawMaw. This wasn't a memory to write down in her baby book. She isn't mine. Ohh I would love for her to be, you should see her!

When we took her home, I cried all the way there. I tell Kita and Brad about her cold and what we did for her teething. Then watched as they carried her into the house. I want to see her all I can, but the pain of giving her up after a few days is so hard. I swear I heard her last night and started to ask Scott if he would check on her. Lena even said she thought she heard her twice. I got in bed and finally had my true meltdown. Held by the best husband ever made. He wrapped me up and soaked up all my tears and fears and told me he loved me and for a short period of time all was right with my world. You have probably realized that I am a drama queen to a point - I cry at commercials sometimes!!

My daddy isn't doing well. He has always been a rock. He is a smallish man, but he was a giant in my eyes growing up and even up until the last month or so he was invincible. He had pneumonia a few weeks ago and was in the hospital for a week. He thought he was feeling better and they let him come home. He has been so weak. This man who took care of two gardens, plowing, planting, picking...he did it all. I saw him on Sunday and was concerned. So I went and spent the night with them on Tuesday night - they LOVED that by the way :). I watched him when he walked and after every step he trembled. He held onto things when he walked. He stayed in bed most of the day.

Will he know my children? He told me he was tired and didn't know how much longer he could do this. I told him he still had a lot to do for our Lord and he has to teach me his pickling tricks. He smiled and then I said and you got to hang around to teach my children how to fish, tell them stories about Jesus, how to make things grow..so much. He didn't say a word, he didn't look at me. I just snuggled up with him and silently cried. He couldn't hear me crying anyways - he listens to the TV at maximum volume...and ALWAYS on Fox News!

I am blessed to have such great in laws, I get comfort knowing our children will have them...but my dad and mom...*GASP* I never dreamed when I was K-I-S-S-I-N-G in the tree that I wouldn't get to push the carriage. I always pictured my daddy out on the boat showing our child how to put the worm on the hook, or how to put the minnow on so it won't flip off and catch a big ole crappie. I want memories made of them coming in with a huge haul - or one skinny catfish. My daddy knows the Bible and teaches so well, I want him to teach our child things that will form his faith and make his love for God be stronger than any love in their lives. WHERE IS MY CARRIAGE!?!?

sorry for a blah post

Maybe this will turn it all around. My daddy walks in from being outside. He has coaxed these two baby chicks (they have lots of hens and roosters and they have babies - such a sweet sound baby chicks) he has coaxed them to eat out of his hand. Well now they are bigger and they jump on his lap to eat. He goes and gets fancy parrot food! Well, I was laying on the couch with Italy sleeping and all of a sudden I hear this gurgle gurgle and I look up and there stands my poppy with a chicken in his arms smiling from ear to ear. I busted out laughing at him and mom saw it and of course she shooed him out with it. He feels like crap and still tries to make those around him happy...best dad ever.

not much going on...

2008-09-17T19:20:00.003-04:00

Hard to post regular when there isn't much going on. Had bronchitis, went to doc got meds almost over it. See B-O-R-I-N-G!

I feel like I am standing still. I am moody. Some family (and I use that term loosley) has forgotten what it means to love their kids without limits - especially when they are only 5! I can't talk about it, I just don't want to put it out there in the bloggerverse and one day he might see it or worse his dad and step mom sees it and I am sure it will make things worse.

I need a recharge or something. I have an exciting trip next month to a friends wedding. A friend I met on line actually. There are 11 of us that were TTC and we met and while there were a lot of women on that board, we all just clicked. I will be seeing at least 4 of them, maybe more! Kari and I will sing at the wedding, Jami is the Matron of Honor - it is all just a wonderful time to be had. I so NEED this!

Then almost as soon as I get home, Jubilee by The Sea will be happening! Talk about some recharging! Some of the best singers and preachers, missionaries gather at my old church in Myrtle Beach SC and if that all wasn't enough...the cherry on top of all of that...heck she is the whipped cream and chocolate too...I get to see Leslie and Burt and the boys! *whew got all teary eyed thinking about that*

November...another thanksgiving.
December...another Christmas and Scott's birthday.
January...another birthday for me.

Another year gone by. empty.

Snippet

2008-09-05T13:07:00.002-04:00

I don't even know how to snippit this!

First, I didn't get Memphis last weekend. Due to some family things, we felt it was better to put all of our focus on Chirsten and Caleb.

They are going through so much right now. My brother in law and his wife and her son have made some decisions concerning the kids that have had reprecussions I don't think they expected. What started out to make some of us so angry has really turned into a blessing that some things are out and sadly for my brother in law it backfired from what he wanted/thought would happen.

But, Caleb and Chirsten will never forget all of this and shouldn't have to be going through it. They are two of the best behaved children I have ever been around, they are super loving and they never hesitate to do what it takes to make me smile. Pray for them, they need it so much. Pray for Amanda their mother, she is really a great mom and while we had our differences in the past...a lot of them were my own *you're having a baby and I'm not* kind of differences, she has matured and grown as a mother, woman, friend, and child of God.

Chris needs your prayers as well, he is close to losing his son's love. Chris has always had so much love from his family and he loved family time together. He has changed so much in the past year, I wish I could say for the good. They are out of church (I don't think church has ever been a part of her life). She is pregnant and the way it stands now that baby will never be a part of our lives.

Pray for John and Lena my in laws, they are having such a tough time. They love their grandchildren so much and would move heaven and earth to keep them safe. They are good Christian people who have tried to keep the kids in church and teach them right and wrong.

The kids have people praying for them so much, evil better watch out when you have God's children praying. Chirsten was just saved last year, and she loves to tell it!

Scott and I have both been sick all week with a fever, sore throat and coughing. I was the glorious recipient of a migraine mid week as well...thanks Dad! (I think I inherited them from him!) My dad was in the hospital with pneumonia for several days! He is home doing much better. My brother's house was broken into while he was out of town...he is obsessed with 100 dollar bills and had a roll of them in his bedroom. When him and his wife got home someone had taken the roll and a 1932 100 dollar bill that was in laminate. The detective got some prints - the theif(s) took the laminate off and left it on the floor. We went to the zoo with the kids on Saturday, got there and there were NO wheelchairs left (forgot it was labor day weekend) so I had to walk the entire zoo - C R A Z Y! I made it but took pain pills and slept for nearly 2 days straight. Still very sore but would have done anything to make those kids smile after the week they had.

hmm We had a birthday party for my mother on Friday night last week, was really fun. It was gonna be little but it grew and grew, which I am glad it did...she loves getting and giving love!

I will post pictures soon, have so many to choose from.

Please pray for Shannon too, she is so close to her wedding! Can't wait til she gets a box in the mail from me :)

Please pray for Kari, she is considering IVF and there are things that concern her.

Please pray for Christina and Carla, dear friends who are about to have their babies.

Please pray for Robyn - she is about to have her FET. She also has a praise, she had a scan and is 5 years cancer free! PRAISE THE LORD!

My friend Michelle lives in LA and is without power and such, she has a 1 year old!

ok this was longer than what I thought it would be...

Name Game

2008-09-04T23:10:00.002-04:00

I have had so much going on in my life - and funny it isn't really anything to do with Scott or me really. Yet the concern and the pain of it is as real as if it were our own children going through it. I will post a snippet of it later.

Until then....

I am pooped so thought this would be a lazy day post :)

The Name Game
1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Rusty MG (couldn't make that up if I tried)

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Black Cherry Clog

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Purple Cat

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Ellen Morganton

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Hopil...hmm that could work

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Green Tea (didn't fake this, I love lime green and love me some southern sweet tea!)

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): John Tom...not a great NASCAR Name...at least it isn't Dick Trickle :o

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Lucky 3 Muskateers

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Rhyne Rochester

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Spring Daisy

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Cherry PJs

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Frosted Flake Willow

13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Rusty Jenkins

Your turn!

Haha

DMS'ing

2008-08-27T21:18:00.003-04:00

*DMS...During Menstrual Syndrome

I have started to post several times. LET ME WARN YOU AHEAD OF TIME - I HAVE MY PERIOD...whoremoans are running wild through my system!

I can't get this girl out of my mind. I am calling the mother tomorrow to hopefully get her for the weekend.

*More common opinions given by others:
-You will get too attached and then she might leave.
-You don't know what kind of people they are.
-You don't want to get involved with this situation.
-Why not just call social services and let them take care of it.
-You have so much on your plate...are you sure you can handle this?
-She will break your heart.

I heard them, my head was spinning so fast after meeting her and hearing the things this little 4 year old girl had to say. From an hour after meeting her she was calling me mommy and the kids were her brothers and sisters.

After a while the mommy thing didn't startle me as much.
This little girl didn't know me, she didn't know the emotions I would feel having that coveted title replace my name.

I thought about what everyone had to say. Every morning I wake up and she is the first thing I think about. I wonder if she has breakfast, if she got to take a bath and put on pretty clothes. I may be obsessing but I don't think so.

My heart is open to her. I am not trying to be her mother. I am not trying to save her from this horrible family life...well, I guess sorta I am.

I just think that having the mind set that I would get attached, my heart will break is selfish. For me...not saying everyone would be, but for me...it would be selfish. What if God said...I can't send my Son to die for their sins because it will break My heart.

I don't think this will be a long term situation. This child has parents - granted one is in jail and the other ... well, I just don't feel right putting that out there. I feel she will be moving back to where her family lives. Even if I don't get to see her again - she has the memory of a great day with me and my family. Maybe she won't forget that.

So, despite some well meaning advice, I hope to get her Friday night through Sunday. I don't think she has ever been to church so I plan on taking her.

Pray for me - it will be hard.
My heart will probably break.
I know I will get attached.
I know that Scott will love her too.
I know the possibility of never seeing her again.

I know that someone loved me enough to take a chance.
I know that God has turned me every which way to show me this is the right thing to do.
I know that she will enjoy every thing she experiences with us.
I know that I want her to see the love of God through us.
I want her mom to know that I am not trying to take her child, just wanting to give her some love and nurturing she is not getting right now.
I know, without a shadow of doubt that God is wanting me to do this.

Pray for her and her baby sister and her older sister and the baby that the mother is carrying.

I am going to try to be more consistent in blogging. I have lost track since Italy has been in my life, she is with me quite a bit and when she is here...I can't take my eyes off of her. She is uber special to me.

I woke up this morning saw a news story about a local girl that was lost being found - I cried.
I watched part of a soap opera - I cried.
Stupid commercial came on - I cried.
My friend Leslie calls me and we hang up - I cried.
I went to her facebook page and saw the pictures of her, Burt and the boys - I cried.

Unfortunate for me, the last cry wasn't alone. Scott came in and thought someone had died or something. I couldn't even talk at that point. I miss them so much and I see what I am missing out on with the kids and they are growing up with out me. I miss my friend *GRRR CRYING AGAIN*. Scott hugged me asking me to tell him what was wrong - he was almost in tears thinking something horrible had happened. In that ugly crying voice I bellowed..."I HAVE MY PERIOD!" He had the kahunas to LAUGH at me. What was he thinking?

I had a long talk with my niece, I can't tell you how much it means that we are getting back to talking to each other and enjoying every minute. Yep...love her.

There are some things going on with Scott and I that has put our adoption plans off a little longer. When they kind of settle down I will tell more and we will hopefully get back on track. I called the social worker and told her I would call her next month to reschedule.

I have thought about the people I have met her a lot, I keep ya'll in my prayers and even if I am not here I am praying for you.

Thank you...and a request...

2008-08-24T20:53:00.004-04:00

Thank you all for the encouragement - you are all the best!!

I will post more later...

I met this little girl...kind of random, my brother's van ran over her...she is more than ok in that aspect...Thank GOD the van straddled her and she got a bump and some hair on her head scraped off.

Last minute my brother asked me to take her swimming with the kids and I said yes - even though I was sure her mother...not knowing me from Eve probably wouldn't let her go. Without hesitating and with very little communication (a sentence at most) she sent me out the door with her 4 year old little girl. The mother is pregnant and has a 1 year old...she also has an older child but she is not with her.

I will post more about little Memphis when I feel more comfy about it. Just really pray for her and her mom and family. Pray for me .. that the Lord will give me answers and a clear path. My heart is breaking for her and I think I know what to do and then I don't.

This is her...the picture doesn't do her justice.

Bam

2008-08-19T14:16:00.003-04:00

The weekend was a long one. We were coerced into staying Friday night as well with the in laws. Caleb and Chirsten were staying and all Caleb had to do was say...Uncle Scooooooter *smiles*

When the highs come they are so great, dulls the memory of the low times. Scott and I are so full when we have the kids with us, for the last month or so we have barely had a day without someone being with us.

Last night the low came - I guess a low, we sat alone in our car. No car seats. No singing. No laughing. No are we there yets. No fighting. Silence.

We had just left my moms and were about 10 minutes from home. I don't even remember what Scott said to trigger it but the flood came.

Nothing could stop it.

He apologized for saying something about our lack of children, expressing how sad it makes him as well and POW right in the kisser!

He said I am sorry for making you think about it.

Tears streaming, we passed a sign for the fair. We passed a huge tree. We passed an ice cream shop. We passed a car place that had old hot rods.

Everything triggers a thought. I won't be taking our child to the fair, won't be putting up a tire swing anytime soon in a big tree, no sharing a triple decker ice cream and no sharing Scott's love of old cars with our child. I truly believe it is coming - if I didn't I don't think I could function really.

False hope? This is one time where I think any hope is better than none.

I told him not to be sorry, I don't think there is an hour in the day that something doesn't remind me I am Hope, wife, sister, daughter, friend, aunt...not a mom. He talked about having Caleb and how he just hung on everything Scott had to say. He wanted to know how to play this video game and he sat up on Scott's lap and unlike most kids...watched and drank it in while Scott actually played the game and describing the how to's. UGH

The most random things open those thoughts up.

We sat in the car for about 20 minutes after getting home talking about it. He doesn't say how he feels about it much, but he let it all out last night. He cried, he talked about it and I realized he thinks about it as much as me...he is just a little more manly and doesn't let it get to him I guess.

The last thing he said is that he thought about how if we had a baby when we first started trying they would possible be graduated from high school. They would possibly go to the college he works at. They would be so proud to have him as a father.

What ifs suck!

What if we had a child when we started?
Would we have moved around so much?
Would we have been healthier?
Would I have had all my problems if I had a child that kept me active and healthy?
Would we have moved to Myrtle Beach? *the thought of never meeting Leslie makes me cringe!*

WHAT IF!?!?!

But, we are here.

We are madly in love, have crazy but great families, beautiful friends and have finally became thankful for the babies in our life. We can't get enough of them. We are seeking His will. We are just us, but praying for a bigger us. We are trusting in His plan. As painful as the waiting is, as heart wrenching it is to give back the kids, as hard as it is to sit in an empty house...we are trusting in Him. Even though we shed tears and cry out that we don't understand...we are at His feet feeling His hands on our head comforting us saying I love you, I have a plan, trust in Me.

What is your biggest trigger to make you remember the emptiness?

So much to say ... so little time

2008-08-13T21:11:00.003-04:00

I have got multiple posts to post, just can't fit it all in today.

Still need to post about our trip to the orphanage my mother grew up in.
Need to post about Friday night at the Waldensian Festival in Valdese. If you know what beach music is, shagging (the dance not the act :p)...my brother got the Tams there to play...was AWESOME!
Need to post about some other things too...

BUT, I have pulled a muscle in my shoulder (assuming that is what it is) and it hurts like crazy. Been doing ice and heat and it is easing up some.

I will post a little about today since it is fresh in my mind and there are no pictures to add to it.

I had Italy today, aww. But, I really wasn't sure how I would do with this stupid (insert your favorite explicative here)shoulder! Misti came over and helped a lot, she fixed lunch and while Lily and I did a scrapbook she cared for Italy. At one point Misti had them both in her arms bouncing lightly on a big exercise ball and put them right to sleep.

Shortly after Misti got here it was all I could do to hold back one of those ugly, nose running, face exploding, loud...did I mention ugly cries. When she had Lily I had thought I would have been pregnant around that time too. I pictured her and I taking them on walks, changing diapers and feeding them...laughing when one of our children burped or tooted. But here we sat on separate couches changing diapers, her with her beautiful children and me with another child that isn't mine. I think the pain of not having a child is gone sometimes but maybe it really isn't.

Ok, just had that ugly cry.

SIGH

I can close my eyes and see me with Lily and Italy and Simon...God I will make a great mom I promise, let me prove it to you please....ugly cry continued.

The shoulder is why I haven't been on really and it is crazy how much I think about fellow bloggers and things I want to say when I can't get on really. Typing one handed has taken about an hour to type this much.

We are going to my mother in laws tomorrow for the night - canasta night with the ladies from her church.

love to you all

I am still alive...I think :)

2008-08-05T23:01:00.007-04:00

What a weekend!

Sunday morning we got up, got dressed with all intentions of going to church...we got in the car about half way there and I realized the clock said 11:23 and we were still about 10 minutes away. So I decided that we would not go into the service and interrupt everything...so we all went back home and got out of our church clothes and put our picnic/swimming clothes on. We stopped at mom and dads and picked up Lisa, Corey and Shay and Cara and Brad along with their families created a caravan to the lake.

It was so fun listening to the conversations between the kids. Corey and Caleb had met before but it had been a long time ago. Chirsten and Shay just met and got along really well. Chirsten is 7 1/2 and Shay is 8.

They all were so much fun, wanting to know how many minutes til we get there, how much should they count...I immediately thought of that movie - are we there yet haha.

Scott was a champ. When we got there and finished our picnic lunch he got in the water and stayed there the whole time with the kids. He tossed and swam with them all. He was the diving board, the holder of goggles, the retriever of water balls, my eagle eye...he was awesome. He enjoyed them so much.

Brad and Caleb became quick friends, they were inseparable most of the time.

The babies were so cute, Ida slept most of the time but Italy did get her toes in the water. Illan was a little apprehensive but I think he finally decided he liked it. All of the kids listened to us, behaved so well...It really was a stress free outing.

We get home and the girls take a bath and we all make our own pizzas and made super chunky chocolate chip cookies. They had a blast.

Corey is such a sweet kid, he is super competitive...when playing the x-box if he was losing he wanted to change games haha. He has these amazing blue eyes and a wild imagination. He has an endless supply of energy too. He gave me hugs which I LOVED! I loved having time with him and hope to get to spend more time with him soon. I felt so sad for Little John though, he said I was the first family member to want to take Corey for the day and Corey is 5 now. I had to apologize to him for my distance as well, explaining how raw the feelings and emotions are when you can't have a child. It is amazing how the decision to adopt has started to heal those.

Shay is Little John's girlfriends daughter. She is 8 and a talker! At first she said she didn't want to spend the night with us, she had only met me once before. I told her she could make her mind up after we went swimming. While we were out in the water together she swam up to me and said...well, I have been thinking and I think I do want to spend the night with ya'll. *SMILES* She was a great kid, her and Chirsten helped me with the baby a lot. She is a cutie pie too!

Caleb, oh what to say about him. He is such a sweetie. He says the cutest things and has an infectious laugh. He came in to the bedroom the first night and said...You know, uncle Scooter isn't fat..he just has a big belly...haha. He slept between Scott and I and he would put his hand on my face so softly just touching it. Then he would sit up and lean against one of us and just drift off to sleep. He is so well behaved and played so good with all of the other kids. Every once in a while he would run to find me and hug me telling me he loved me and then once he said he wanted to make sure I was ok and that I knew he wanted to spend time with me too...just the kids were so much fun haha. He took up with Bradly right off too, I am glad. I could just eat him with a spoon!

Chirsten is that sweet little girl that wants to help do everything. She helped so much with Italy and helped keep the kiddos in line. She wanted to love on the cats so much and they just were not having much to do with it. She has such an imagination and is super smart. She is becoming independent, I miss those days when she needed help to do this or that. She loves Scott so much, she wanted to sleep with me so Caleb was sleeping with Scott. Well, when he got tired he wanted to snuggle with me...aww. Then Chirsten didn't want Scott to sleep alone so she slept in the big chair beside our bed so Scott could sleep with us. She has a super big heart. She loves her brother so much too, she is protective of him. Though Chirsten did buy slime...and it is on everything in my living room ... accidents happen! She was so scared she was going to be in bad trouble...but looking at her with that toothy grin, I couldn't be mad at her!

Italy was awesome as usual...gosh that baby is too precious!

Monday evening came and it was time to let the kids go home. Brad took Shay to her dad's and we had the rest in our car. He also took Italy home which made me sad of course, but I had to hold it together for the rest of the kids! We took Corey to his dad and Little John and Tamara were both so sweet and thankful for spending time with their kids.

Then we headed to take Chirsten and Caleb home :(. We get half way there and Caleb had to pee...and when he has to pee you better stop cuz you got about 2 minutes before there is trouble! Scott pulled over on interstate and let him pee...was funny. I made a little video of them as we were going home. They are so cute...

Then we went to John's work to let the kids give him so loving...plus we had him some apple cobbler. I told them to hide in the back seat (third row) and we would have PawPaw John open up the back telling him that what we brought him was in the back. Chirsten said..."We might give him a heart attack!" I told her nooo, he would love it. She then said..."But he is old-old!" HAHA I took that video too...

Caleb was crying when we took him home, he said he wanted to go back home with us but his daddy wanted to spend the day with them today so they couldn't. I think he wanted to go to his pawpaws too. It broke our hearts to leave him, but we knew we had to. Scott and I got in the car and both of us broke down, hugged and cried how much we loved them and that we want to spend more time with them. We wish they were ours...they are such great kids.

Today I slept until 10, woke up and ate breakfast took my meds then fell asleep in the chair! I got back in bed and slept until 5:30!!! I had a lot of pain but I would do it over and over to spend time with all of them. It was hard to come home and the silence was deafening. I loved the sound of running, yelling and playing floating through our house. It felt right, it felt normal...it felt wonderful.

I am tired, sore, broke (who knew 5 kids would cost so much!), have a messy house, empty frig, finger prints on everything, cheerios EVERYWHERE, pair of kids shorts, one kid sock and a bottle.

I am all of that and more...but I would do it all over again, anytime. It was an amazing time.

Thanks for your prayers...I know you prayed for me, I made it through it all!! WOO HOO!

Here are pictures to the lake...enjoy! I decided to post them to another blog so if you don't want to see pictures you don't have to see them :)