Always a bridesmaid...

Wait...I did the bride thing!

I meant always an Aunt...never a mommy...sigh

This weekend was full of highs and lows. Misti and I had a play date planned, well, a meet and greet date kinda. Mom found out and wanted to cook us all breakfast and have all the great grands there.

I was so excited, I woke up early Friday morning so I could go get Italy...but I got up and as soon as my feet hit the floor I feel heavy and dizzy. I thought I just got up too fast and when I got in the shower, it was all I could do not to lose the previous nights dinner. I got out...had to lay down. There was no way I was gonna miss this.

I wanted to see Simon and I just wanted to have some family time.

I got up and got ready, Scott said I looked like a ghost..which you can tell in the pictures..SIGH. We got going down the road and I felt it, I grabbed a walmart bag that was in the back seat and nearly filled it. I started feeling ok until Scott said...your bag is leaking! UGH...I fortunately found another bag and rode the rest of the way to get Italy and then to mom's covered in vomit. NASTY. I washed up and mom gave me a different shirt and for the most part I felt better. I don't think it was a bug...I think it was something to do with my meds.

It was all overwhelming. I walk in and Mom has Simon, Lily is with Misti and Scott brings in Italy. I go get cleaned up and there comes Cara with Ida Hope and Illan. I didn't know which baby to pick up first. At first it was so overwhelming I couldn't think...I just enjoyed. At one point I had two babies in my arms, no at 2 points haha. Italy pretty much slept through it all, poor Ida Hope had a sore stomach and Simon just took it all in...such a good baby.

Mom wasn't feeling too good so she went to lay down for a while and we all crashed her bedroom and took pictures of her with the kids. She enjoyed it so much. Illan and Lily stole the show though, every time Illan would walk into the kitchen Lily would laugh so hard and look back telling us "he did it again"...it wasn't funny but her laughing was what was sooooo funny. She laughs with her whole body.

Then when Illan would walk away from her she would tell him "No, No, No, No"...we thought he was doing something then Misti went to check and she said "come back" haha. Slowly people start to leave and it is Misti, Lily, Simon and Scott, Italy and me. Dad left to take mom to work. Lily and I were playing around a bit, she actually gave me some lovin :)

It was when things got quieter, when Misti went into the kitchen with Lily...I was holding Simon and Scott had Italy...our eyes locked on each other and both of us failed miserably at holding back the tears. This all feels so natural.

My arms are full, but empty of my own child. It drives home that I am meant to be a mommy. I just thought it was supposed to be done a certain way - God had different plans.

It was hard to say goodbye to all the excitement. We went home and had our night with Italy. I don't sleep much when she is here, not necessarily because she is awake...but I watch her, rub her face and talk to her, kiss her little fingers and toes. Friday night she slept in her boppy thingy, but Saturday I just had to have her in bed with us. She slept cradled in my arms all night. She woke up to eat and to have her diaper changed and then went right back to sleep...in my arms.

Saturday I had promised Chirsten to bring Italy by. We get there and boy Chirsten and Caleb have a fit over her, they held her and fed her and talked to her...it was so sweet. Their daddy and his wife are expecting a baby and they both will be such great siblings. Jennifer actually came by and at one point the baby started crying and Jenny got her and she calmed right down. We are hoping she has a girl too.

Sunday came and Brad called wanting to come get her. I had just taken my shower and gave her a bath...I was rubbing her down with baby oil and brushing her hair when he called. It was like someone woke me up, I actually sat up and felt this lump in my throat and had to catch my breath. I know this isn't my child, I know she has wonderful parents...but for some reason Sunday morning I kind of forgot I guess.

Brad came and we had packed all her stuff together. She had ran out of diapers but I had kept 3 last time so I was safe. Scott was threatening to use a maxi pad and duct tape...SILLY SILLY MAN!

I heard Brad come in and I had put her in her carseat already, she fell asleep. I carried her into the den and Brad started loading her stuff into his car. I held her up to me while he was doing that and my heart was breaking. I can almost imagine the pain in the stories on TV about how hard it is to experience an adoption gone wrong.

Brad came in to get her and I tried not to cry, but I did. I know she isn't mine. I would never step over that line but am I getting too attached...is that possible? I love her so much and would give anything for her to be mine, but I know that won't happen...she has great parents. I am the aunt dang it. After she left I had almost 2 hours of tears and thought I would take a nap...it was about 2:30. Umm, I woke up practically this morning! When I did wake up I told Scott we were out of diapers.

I think baby sitting her will be easier and I really look forward to that. Seeing the look in Brad's eyes when he saw her after the weekend was so sweet. She has so much love for her from so many people.

All of this just reaffirmed our decision for adoption. I think maybe God gave us this time with Italy to show us we will be good parents, that it will all come naturally. There always has been that fear that maybe there is a reason God hasn't given us a child and that it might be that we would suck as parents. Now I know better...I know Scott will be so attentive, I can handle fussiness and feeding and all that baby stuff.

We are waiting for packets of info from 3 different agencies. I am excited. I am nervous. I am anxious. We are looking at baby room furniture and accessories.

Going through the pictures we took on Friday and over the weekend was soothing in a way. One of my favorite pictures is me holding Simon, he is laying on my chest asleep. He is precious.

I know I just did a picture post, but I can't help but post some of Friday and Saturday...I won't post them all...maybe :)

Our Linville Cavern Trip

Since gas prices are outta site GRR, instead of a beach trip we went to the mountains about an hour away. We went to the Linville Caverns first. They were so cool - I had been there as a child and it seemed much larger then - but I was like 10. It stays 55 degrees in there year round. There is water dropping constantly and the rocks forming are so cool. We spent about an hour there and then went to Linville falls - those too seemed bigger as a child!

The sign said .4 miles to the falls...it was down hill so I thought sure I can do this. About 10 miles later we finally get to the falls! (ok, maybe not 10 miles but walk more than you have in a year and see how long it feels...but everyone agreed it was WAY more than .4 miles...we think the . was in the wrong place). It was pretty but honestly wasn't worth the pain to walk there!

As we start walking back...there was this sign pointing to a lower parking lot...I was dreading the walk up the hill so why not have them go get the van and come to the lower one!?! Great idea. It wasn't a bad walk to that parking lot and we figured it would just be a short little drive to get there. Umm an hour later they finally pull in - they had to get on the Blue Ridge Parkway and drive a ways then get off and turn here and there...wasn't such a great idea after all. If we didn't have the kids with us I think they would have left us haha. (I don't think I am kidding)

It was a good day, we planned to picnic but stopped at Fatz and ate instead haha, we were wiped out! Enjoy the pictures...

This was just as we were waiting to go in...they are really good kids, even while waiting!

These are blind trout that live in the caverns...it is so dark in there the only light is from some very dim lights and the flashlight the guide uses.
Just some odd stalagtyes or stalagmytes...umm I didn't listen very well.
Yeah that is the water that kept me thinking bats were hitting me!

This is one of the biggest formations in there...there is a larger light near it is why there is green on it. I thought this looked like the alien from...Alien the movie I think..

This looks like...well, I am not gonna caption this one!

All done and they are still such great behaved children!
My honey
At the little creek beside the caverns there were about 50 butterflies...blackish ones and yellow ones...I couldn't get close enough - dang back!
aww such sweet babies..
Chirsten had me taking pictures of every flower and mushroom we saw...so I am showing you one!
This lady had this little puppy, it has the bluest eyes!! She made the kids use hand gel before they could pet him...he hadn't had all his shots yet. When I was taking this picture she said kids...look up at mommy and smile :(
She is going to be a heart breaker!
I said Caleb...do ya gotta pee?? Nope I don't...umm then why the PeePee dance?? Cuz (which is his favorite word right now).
Cool moth
John and Lena my in-laws
Caleb was pouting...but they are sooo my babes
her being a typical girl...to have an ounce of there energy!
Posin with Scooter
I gotta go up that hill???
Silly girl
Chris and his babies...he has one on the way now too!
my honey again
Such a fake pout...she is a goob
family shot...
Me and a tree...dang I need some sun!
dangers of riding with kids...care bear stickers in the oddest places :)
they are pretty
one of many flowers Chirsten had me snap
water was moving soo fast

For my bloggy friends...

While I am just learning the html/css stuff, if anyone would like a new template with their own pictures and such...I would love to do you one. Just get me the pictures and what colors you think you want and I will find the stuff and give you some choices. I am not saying I will have you one by the morning (though I am not in the mood for sleeping) I will work on it ASAP! I know mine is a bit busy but I had so much I wanted to put on it and even cut a few things out...haha,

Just lemme know, I have had fun doing mine.

I have LOTs to post...

Guess that is a pitfall of not keeping up with posting.

• I have a family trip pic/details to post
• I have me stuff to post
• I have Italy stuff to post
• I have a few random pictures to post
• I have a rant to post
• I have something to offer my blogger buddies...

WHERE OH WHERE do I start???

I guess let's get the rant over and done with...strange how sometimes just getting it out will make me feel better and it the healing can begin.

I don't know what family if any reads my blog...well, I know some of my family does but not sure if any of Scott's read it. So I will not put names out there - though at this point I wish they really knew how much their words - or lack of HURT!

Let me start with a little back story...

While living in Myrtle Beach we invited Scott's brother to live with us. While he was there a family member became pregnant, not married, young...blah blah. I got the news by accidentally reading her myspace page. Then got the official news in an offline message from her on Yahoo! It stung. This was someone who knew our pain, she and I were very close and yet I got as much consideration as random friends on myspace and an all for one message on Yahoo. I was upset, angry at the situation...wasn't given the opportunity to feel the happiness for her at that time...I was just hurt that she chose to not personally tell me and given my broken reproductive situation...to at least tell me in a more gentle way.

Scott's brother was there for it. He said how rude. He agreed she should have given us a little more consideration...blah blah blah again.

Honestly I wasn't that upset that she was pregnant - it just hurt that it was like we didn't matter as much as any ole myspace/yahoo friend.

Well, de ja vue! Scott's brother (so much for not being specific huh?) sends me and every Tom, Dick and Harry on his phone this text message

WE'RE PREGNANT!

That's it. Two words. Two tiny words that cut like the sharpest of knives.

Again, I wasn't afforded the opportunity to be happy for them...first reaction is hurt and anger at the way they chose to tell me...and worse, the didn't even tell Scott. This is a couple who from the time I have met his wife she has adamantly proclaimed she doesn't want another child, she will not get pregnant, he might as well get fixed because it isn't happening. She told me at Caleb's birthday that John our father in law wants her to have a child; and she told him he better find another woman for Chris because she isn't birthing no more babies. Just 2 weekends ago when I had Italy she again stated she is glad she is never having a baby again because they are so much work. She was already pregnant! This was just after a major drunken birthday party!

I kinda knew it was coming...on her myspace she kept posting she is giving her hubby a surprise. I kept pushing it back thinking about all her comments. I made myself believe she was getting him a gift or game or something. His birthday is here, I just wanted to believe it was a birthday gift. Then today....her profile name was changed to 'We are having a baby!'. I just feel I wasn't even worth being told in person...heck an email or phone call would have been better than getting a random text or seeing it on her Myspace!!!

Take a breath and count to ten before reading the next sentence.

My mother in law insinuated that we should be over it by now, that these announcements should not hurt as much. I am so glad she didn't say that to me, Scott is more delicate and just didn't know how to respond.

She did say to me that Chris didn't know how to tell us and dreaded it. I GET THAT! Most family and friends that know our situation feel the same way but MOST would never be so insensitive to tell us in a two word text, let us find out on myspace or worse...find out from someone else. It is like we aren't worth the bother. And this is a person we both have loved through it all, took him into our home when his life was super screwed up.

He has always been all about himself - he even admits that. But our love for him was so strong there was nothing that could break it. That is why this hurts so much, for the last couple of years that love has seemed so one sided.

And if all of it isn't bad enough...when I cry I get a flippin headache and so it is HUUGE!

ok I can scratch rant off of my list...am I being to sensitive to this????

I did read this article...

"I'm Pregnant": How to Break the News to Infertile Friends
By: Sandra Glahn , ThM (Bio)


Tears burned in Kathy’s eyes. It was painful enough to cuddle with her nieces and nephews when she and Kevin longed for a baby. Then, as the family circled the holiday dinner table, her sister exclaimed, "Kathy, I haven’t had a chance to tell you—I’m pregnant again!" All of the relatives stared at their plates. Kathy said later, "I was the only one who didn’t know. I’m sure she was excited about her good news, but my sister did an awful job of telling me she was expecting."

To the infertile couple, a pregnancy announcement can feel like losing a game or missing a promotion—despite their good wishes, depression and disappointment linger. A sensitive friend may wonder, "How should I tell my infertile friend that I’m pregnant?"

1. Break the news yourself.
Betsy said, "Kate hurt me by concealing her pregnancy." She explained that she didn’t want to upset me, so she waited until word got around. Her news was easier for me to handle than the fact that I heard it from someone else. When the woman who told me said, ‘Didn’t you know? I thought everybody knew,’ I felt left out and humiliated. Yet mostly I felt insulted—did Kate think I would commit suicide over it?"

2. Tell them in private as soon as possible.
Including an infertile friend among the "first to know" makes her feel important as the member of an elite group. It also gives her time to adjust to the idea before she must smile though the public announcement. Louise said, "When I hear a baby announcement in a crowd, I feel the social pressure to be as gracious as Queen Elizabeth while everyone searches my face to assess what feelings I’m hiding behind the facade. I appreciate being forewarned."

Sharon told her friend, "I know this will be hard for you to hear, but I wanted to tell you before we announce that I’m pregnant. I’ll be telling everyone late next Wednesday, so if you want to slip out early, I’ll understand."

3. Have the attitude that pregnancy is special.
Sometimes by trying to keep from "rubbing it in," happy couples minimize their joy and communicate begrudgingly, "Don’t be jealous of us because this pregnancy is an inconvenience." Yet the idea of an "unwanted pregnancy" seems especially unfair to those with deep yearnings for child.

Lori confided, "Our friends announced they were expecting at a time when I was especially discouraged about our infertility. They emphasized that it was a ‘mistake,’ making it sound like they were taking their child for granted. That attitude upset me."

4. Expect the news to hurt.
Dee said, "I deliver the opposite of what people expect. If they expect me to take it hard, I appreciate their sensitivity so much that I can be happy for them. When they expect me to jump up and down, I’m not as positive because I feel like they’re expecting too much."

Two of Joy’s friends announced their pregnancies within 24 hours of each other. When Gina was the third, she hugged Joy and cried, "I wanted so much for you to be first." Her sensitivity made it easier for Joy to be happy for her.

5. Consider making the announcement in a letter.
Sometimes the most thoughtful way to announce your news is by sparing your friend the face-to-face confrontation. Dropping her a note lets her recover from the painful feelings before she must say anything.

Ruth’s best friend had been trying to conceive for five years. When Ruth discovered she was pregnant with her third child, she wrote, "We are expecting again. I wish I were there to hug you—I don’t know if that would even do any good. I know you’ll be happy for us, but I know it’s painful, too, and that’s okay. Please continue to be honest with me—I want us to be able to keep sharing like we always have. We know our friendship is strong enough to handle it."

When Susan finally conceived after sharing the mutual bond of infertility with a co-worker, she knew her friend would feel isolated. Finally she sent a note that said, "I’ve written this to you three times. I keep tearing it up because it’s too hard to say. The fact is, infertility is just plain hard. I want you to know I had a positive pregnancy test this week. Call me when you feel like it. Believe me, I’ll understand." Her friend ran for the phone.

Green Beans

I am still alive and kicking. Been an odd week - having the period from H - E - double hockey sticks!! Most of ya'll have been there done that so I know I don't have to elaborate. But, today it finally seems to be easing and hopefully by tomorrow it will be a memory.

We are at Scott's moms - all day today...still here. Dinner is coming so we will be here a while longer. My phone just died after talking to Brad...sigh, sometimes you are the windshield and sometimes you're the bug!

We visited a new church last week - it was a great church but still it didn't have that :o factor. I have lost a few more pounds YAY me! I spent a few hours with baby Italy this week - she is amazing. I have yet to see baby Simon, I hope to soon...Misti and I keep playing phone tag. He is going to be walking if I don't get on the ball!! :)

Ohh I went to moms and broke green beans with her...well, for her! We started and she got to doing other things and I ended up breaking almost all of them. Almost two whole boxes! Daddy picked them all though, I would rather break than pick any ole day.

I have so many memories around green beans! When my brother Mark and I were little...I was around 8 or so...we wanted to go play in the creek and mom said not until we picked a bucket of beans. We grumbled but went up in the garden and started picking. Then Mark came up with this great idea - put a layer of leaves in the bottom of the bucket and then fill the top couple of inches with beans. We knew it would take her a few hours to get to our bucket so we would get to swim a good bit. Well about an hour into our swim we hear "MARRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKK--HOPEEEEEEEEEEE get up here right now!" We dreaded that walk back to the house, and all the way there we kept saying how we wished we had picked the whole bucket. SIGH...needless to say we both got a spanking and each had to pick an entire bucket a piece.

But I do remember the good times, mom and me and Susie or Lisa..or even some of the other kids breaking beans, laughing and gossiping. The Young and Restless was a quiet time though! It was some of my favorite memories of home.

I did take a few pictures...

This was one bowl of unbroken beans...sigh, took about 10 bowls per box!!

My sweet lil mamma breaking her 3 beans haha. I should have taken a picture of the beans she cooked right after I broke enough for a pot...YUMMMY!
Aren't those the sweetest hands you have ever saw. They are so soft and whenever I have a fever she has a healing touch...and they are always cool to the touch when you have a fever. Can you tell I love my ma!

Ok, we are leaving the in-laws...it is 9:15 now...dinner was great!! This little Italian place here in Conover - Italy Grill...they make the best alfredo!! I get it over angel hair pasta with shrimp....I am about to POP!

Will write more and read more tomorrow.

We are parents!!!

Don't get tooo excited...we are God Parents! That was cruel to post, but I couldn't resist. I promise not to make your heart skip a beat again until I can post that for real! BREATHE!

This has been a crazy week. I hate when I go so long without posting or checking out my usual haunts.

The first of the week was busy with a doctors appointment and getting over the weekend. We visited a new church and we are going back tomorrow.

Thursday came and I got the big idea to go with my mother in law, father in law, brother in law and Chirsten, Caleb and Scott to Linville Caverns in the mountains of NC. So, I figured it was cool in there, it doesn't take long for the guided tour...I can hang. I took some ibuprofen before we left, it did help a little. We enjoyed the tour...I hadn't been there since a child, and it seemed so much bigger then.

Then we thought hmm Linville Falls are close so let's go there. We get to the parking lot and it said .4 miles to the falls. I figured with a few breaks in between I would be fine. Well, what seemed like 10 miles later we finally get to the falls. I did enjoy them but it wasn't worth the pain. Going down to the falls wasn't impossible...going back up the hill was. So Chris and John went to get the van as we walked down to the lower parking lot. Little did we know they had to go around the county, up onto the Blue Ridge Parkway to get to us. We sat there for about an hour. They started to leave us there, fortunate for us the kids walked with us so they weren't gonna leave them!

Scott and I get home and he crashes on the bed. I was determined not to go to sleep. I wanted to catch up on here and I sat down and was OUT! For almost 3 hours I slept in this chair. Scott woke me and I crawled in bed with all of my clothes on and shoes. Finally about 10 p.m. I woke up and took them off.

Then Friday...we get a call from Brad - the new daddy - and I was afraid he was going to tell me I couldn't have Italy on Saturday. He called to ask if I wanted to keep her Friday night as well :). Of course, so about 6ish they brought her and all her goodies. So Scott and I went out to eat, then went to his parents. She was soooo good the whole time. While we were eating all the wait staff had to see her.

Scott looked at me so serious - "Hope, call Brad and Keta right now!" I thought he just couldn't take the emotions of having a baby that wasn't ours around. For the first little bit we both were teary. I asked him WHY?? "Call them - tell them they have to make another baby cuz they are not getting this one back!" He is so silly.

I can't carry the car seat, so he does and he puts her in so gently. I love watching him with her. Today we went back to his moms and as happy as we were to have her - it was hard too. It all felt so natural, we should be going to granma's and granpa's with our own baby. It should be John holding his grand baby, and Scott should be changing our babies diaper. AHHHH...

She has been really good, cept I have been peed on twice...I wore my shirt inside out for most of the morning - not mentioning it took almost 4 hours to get out of the house today. How do you moms do it every day??? How does my friends with multiples do it every day...sheesh. I guess it would get easier if I were doing it every day. This is the first baby EVER that I have taken care of. So all of it was new to me. But, she is alive, sleeping right now, burping, pooping, peeing and eating...so I am doing something right. And she smells good from her bath which was an experience!

I dread giving her back tomorrow. I am getting so attached to her and I hope she feels the same way.

Also on Friday Brad and Keta asked us to be Italy's God parents! I can't tell you how emotional that was. We accepted that great honour with every determination to be the best ever.

And yes, new layout...been playing with it off and on. Not completely happy with it...I really want a 3 column so I am going to do that over the next few days. I was so excited when I figured out how to make them!! Choosing colors and graphics and such is harder than the code.

I plan on changing the name basically to Child of God. I don't know how to really do that or if I can, guess we will see.

I will catch up on posting tomorrow after church - sorry I have been a sucky blog buddy lately.

Praying for a great day for all ya'll and hope you had a good 4th of July!