Humbled

Things are starting to move a little financially - not as much as my heart/brain/impatient mind wants it to...but God knows what He is doing.

Rebecca and I talk nearly every week and I am flying up there on the 26th to go to a doctors appointment with her, see my Divas that live in IL and also see our lawyer! I can't wait. My heart is pounding just thinking of feeling him move...ahhhh.

My back is mostly better every day, but some days I do way too much and it reminds me that it has still been a short time since the surgery and I can't be wonder woman yet! :)

KEEP PRAYIN!

Introducing....

no tease this time...







Our Isaac John-Henry Lail...still in the belly!

DIVINE!! Scott and I both cried when we got the text with his picture in it. SIGH!

I am loving life...

I have so much to post, I could write 4 or 5! I think I will just do short versions of each potential post :)

• I am doing better every day with my spinal cord stimulator. The first week I was a little disappointed, but I didn't show it or let it really get to me. Then I went in for the rep to reprogram it and ahhhh it started working like it should. We did all the programming with me sitting up, and when I got home I went to lay down and I lit up like a Christmas tree! Until the leads get more permanent and settled they will change position. Like when I raise my arm, turn my head or my body...and when I lay down! (Sneezing is a little traumatic as well!) So I lay back and I froze. Scott was near by but indisposed if you know what I mean (potty time). I call out his name and my brain scrambled and I didn't know what to do! Then I rolled a little and it started to lessen and I finally pulled myself up. I totally now understand why I can't drive with it turned on!!! It is funny now, but at that time not at all. Fortunately, I have 8 programs to use and that was just 4 of them that wigged out on me. I haven't walked through a grocery store in almost 2 years. I used one of those electric chair things - reluctantly since I got that pride thing going on. This past Friday, I met up with an old classmate/friend and his wife and we walked the car show in Valdese. I felt on top of the world. I hurt, but not to the point that I had to stop...which used to be about 5 minutes into a 'walk' and I guess we walked around for 30-45 minutes!! Then the next day we went to see Scott's mom and dad and we all went to Sams. I looked at the cart and said nope...and I walked for an hour in Sams! I almost cried - so did Scott...because I can shop again :) You never think about things like that until you can't do them. YAY ME! I was very sore the next day, but it was worth it.


• As I mentioned up there, we met up with a classmate from junior high and high school. He was always so nice and funny. He was just always one of the good guys. His name is Scott too, but my Scott and him are like polar opposites when it comes to size...was really funny in my head when they shook hands. His wife Sherry and I met separate from him. I had a myspace account and I am not sure what I had up as my status, a verse from the Bible I think. But, she sent me a message and a friend request and we started talking a little. And somehow I found out that her soon to be husband was Scott my friend from school! Such a small world. It was so great to see them and to finally hug Sherry's neck. She had this bright smile that just could light you up. She has prayed me through a lot since we have 'met'. We laughed and walked and talked and it just felt like we were old friends. And I love his old Chevy nova...sweet ride. We even saw another classmate there and it felt like a reunion haha.
• Have I mentioned how much I love facebook and how many friends/family I have rediscovered on there!
• We visited a new church this past Sunday and really liked it. I lived in the community where it is all my life until I got married. But, my dad was a pastor so I went to church wherever my poppy was. I still love to hear him preach. When we walked in we felt right at home. Everyone was so nice and the pastor delivered a great message about Phillip and the eunuch. How the Holy Spirit will direct you to someones chariot (or mess, situation, valley) and we should be like Phillip and take the Holy Spirit's lead. He also pointed out that when He leads you to someone, that the Holy Spirit is already at work in their lives as well. I thought of Rebecca and how some things could have really made me not want to be in her 'chariot'. But, it has been such a blessing to me, to her and to others that I know that had I not answered when God said this is it...I would have missed out on my son, on the happiness he and Rebecca has brought to me. I know the Holy Spirit has been working in her life as well. She told me when she was in rehab she prayed when she hadn't in a long time.
  
• Speaking of Rebecca, we talked again last week and her brother did pretty good during his open heart surgery. He is 8! There was a scare just after surgery, he started bleeding into his chest cavity and they had to go back in and find the bleed. They did and this was Tuesday last week, and he was home Saturday. We talked for a long time, about her family and about us coming to see her soon. I asked her if she could schedule her next OB appointment at a time I could come and hear his heartbeat and maybe see him on the screen. I told her if it wasn't OK, I totally would understand. You can hear her voice change and she said she would love to do that. She has her next appointment on July 28th and will schedule her following appointment on the last Thursday of August or the first Thursday of September. Leslie might be able to go with me if we only have to be gone a couple work days. We talked about her sons and how much she loves spending time with them, but they can be overwhelming right now. She is still sober, she takes her classes through the rehab every week day, she has a job, she has to meet with her counselor regularly and on top of it all she is pregnant. She is going back to school for nursing as well. Whew - that just makes me tired. I told her we were going to stay a little longer there than what will probably be required. We want her to be able to get some closure sort of. I told her that I didn't mean she would never see him again, but I know being so close after his birth that she might need it. And once we leave it might be a while til she sees him again in person. She didn't have to but that was an option. I told her that when we do come home we will be overwhelmed with family and friends and having a few extra days with him, just Scott and I will be a beautiful time for us. She said again that when she meets him when he is older, he could call her aunt or friend or cousin. I told her that I had thought about that and we are telling Isaac about her, how much she loved/loves him how he wasn't abandoned or tossed away. When he is old enough to really understand and she gets to see him, I think it should be up to him and her what he calls her. She cried and said that us being so open with her and letting her keep in touch makes this easier. I cried hearing her pain, but also because I know her pain takes mine away. I stare at her son's picture she sent every day thinking Isaac could look like him. I can't wait for real pictures, for touches and kisses and whew...don't get me started.
  
• Yesterday, I got the first gift for Isaac. Jen my sister in law and my brother in law Chris had been to Myrtle Beach and they brought back 2 sweet sweet shirts for him. I just lost it. But, then she handed me a diaper bag filled with bottles, nipples, t-shirts and sleepers. It caught my breath. I can't tell you how many times I have picked the shirts up and just hugged them, something tangible, something he will wear. Tears could soak them, tears of so much love for him. I can just picture him in some little jeans wearing them. I can't explain how it felt...I am sure some of you moms understand. I have waited so long to be here, to be a mommy in my heart, to know that God is giving me my hearts desire. I don't deserve it. I know so many women - wonderful women who should be mommies and are empty. I was there for 18 years, it is a sad, lonely place. But one tiny little boy has erased all that pain, 18 years of tears and ache and heartbreak just dissolved away with the selflessness of one woman. WHEW!
  
• Today, mom and I went to have lunch with my aunt Louise, cousin Lori and her daughter Courtney. They are so special to me in so many ways. Lori cut moms hair while Louise and I caught up. They are some prayer warriors let me tell you! I had walked outside to see Sandy, a yellow lab that we gave them, and her puppies - SOO CUTE! I came back in and they were in a circle holding hands and crying out to Jesus on our behalf, on the behalf of other family members. You just could feel the spirit of God in the room. I pray silently, I have always felt my words fail me when I pray out loud...but these women pray from their hearts and it just gives me chills! I love them so much. We decided to not let months go by without being together so on the third Tuesday of every month - it is our day. We go there, they come here...it just has to happen every month! Ya'll can come with me, the more the merrier!
  
• I guess that is it...enough eh? Just think if I had wrote a long post about each of those! Well, here are some pictures for your enjoyment from today.

Mom, me and Aunt Louise (Mom's sister in law)

ain't they sweet!

Courtney took this...she was a little shaky :)
Cousin Lori and me

This is Courtney, the sweetest girl. We hit it off from the get go a few years ago and she is just so special to me. She got her braces off this year and just got her license - I am so scared!

This is Sandy. Ya'll might remember her from a long ago post. This dog is/was on puppy crack, she was a year old though and still was all puppy! HYPER and couldn't sit still for nothing. She wanted to play constantly! We got her when mom had her open heart surgery and mom came to stay with me. Well, Sandy in her big ole self nearly knocked her down. My cousin Lori took her for her son Anthony. Well, he got Elvis - a black lab and bred her and she has calmed a little since being a mommy but not much. They make pretty babies! She had 9 puppies! Anthony has sold them all and used the money to get his apartment the way he likes it (really it is an apartment above the garage at his mom and dads...but he says it is better than a bedroom in their house). He is a sweetheart and such a good boy! He graduated this year.

OK, the only picture of a black one because I was so in love with the tan one with blue eyes, and the chocolate one as well.

How precious is this!! Next litter I get the pick of it and I can't wait. I could have this time but Chris never said yes - was gonna let him have it, and I knew I couldn't handle a puppy right now. Isaac's first puppy awwwwwwwwwwww!

A peak at what he is going to look like...

Today, I spoke with Rebecca and it is so comfortable to talk to her - like an old friend. Though, I get excited when we talk about how close it is getting. She just amazes me.
Well, I can't post the picture really...but -

She sent me a picture of her 2 year old and wow...he is a doll. He has this curly light brown hair and bright green/brown eyes and a smile that would melt anyone. We both hope he looks like his brother...soooo cute.

I sent her a text telling her how happy he looks. She sends me this back...

"Your baby will be too!" Ahhhh my baby.

My heart is about to explode!

And my brain is too. I am overwhelmed with lists now....SO much to do before he gets here!

Ya'll will have to share all your mommy to be advice!

Lasts and firsts

Yesterday, like a lot of people we celebrated July 4th. Independence day. Nothing big, we just hung out with Scott's parents and brother and family. I was feeling like crud and our plans changed at the last minute.

But, as we sat out in the yard watching my father in law light fireworks for the kids it hit me. This is my last 4th of July without my child. I won't ever look at fireworks the same. It was the last time where how I was feeling came first in deciding how to spend this holiday. Unless I am bed ridden, every holiday will be spent to the fullest with my child. AHHH MY CHILD...have sweeter words every been spoken? Not yet...when I hear the first I love you mommy...or heck the first mammmmma will be the sweetest then every word coming out of his mouth will be cherished by this mommy to be.

Every day until he is with us will be one more of 'the last of's'. Whew...

Then after he is with us, our life will be a never ending plethora of firsts. I can't wait for the first touch, the first kiss, the first breath of air that we will share, the first time I hold him, the first time I see Scott holding his son, the first time we fall asleep with him snuggled between us, the first time he smiles...

I just realized in just 95+/- days he will be here. Holy crap I need to make lists of things to do!

Week in review...

gonna bullet this week out...so I don't forget anything.

• Monday - 6 am (well 620 since I slept through my alarm clock!) I get to the hospital to settle in for my spinal cord stimulator. It really was pretty uneventful at first, no problems getting the IV in, the warm blankets felt soooo good, my nurses were great, my doctors came in smiling and in great moods, my new BFF (HAHA) - the rep for my box came in smiling as well, the anesthesiologist eased my concerns about me being put to sleep in just a twilight sleep. (I was a little freaked out thinking I might wake up when they were doing the big stuff! But they needed me awake for placing the leads to make sure they were in the right place.) It started out pretty good. But umm then...it just kinda went down hill. I don't remember anything once they got me into the OR. I remember thinking my doctor is cute and dang it he is gonna see my butt and boobies...SIGH!
• I wake up in recovery and am bawling. The pocket he made for the stimulator (looks like a pacemaker) hurt like crazy. I couldn't stop crying! CRAZY. Anyways, they have me there trying to make sure now that I am awake that the leads are still in place and I am getting coverage in all the right places. The rep cranks it up and WAMMO...the left leg lights up. Nothing in the right leg. I cringe. My right leg/side is the main reason for this box and it wasn't getting any of the sensations. She turned it 10 ways to Sunday and still none/very little on the right. Dr. P was puzzled as in the OR when they were putting it in the left had no coverage. They took me to x-ray and the leads hadn't moved. So, they programmed me and told me that when the swelling goes down and such, that it should start working normal. *I freaked out when I got home...I don't remember ANYTHING from the surgery...what if I was so out of it I lied inadvertently to him saying my right was covered instead of my left. I am still worried that is what happened!!!*
• The doctors leave me, the nurses trying their best to cover my pain and nausea. I am still crying like a baby. I just can't stop! I turn over in the bed multiple times. I kick the covers off at one point I was hot. My eyes are so swollen from crying I can't really open them. My blood pressure is very low and it made me a little loopier than normal. About 3 hours into recovery I realized that my gown was just laid across me - my arms were not in it. My boobs were out there for anyone to see!! Scott wasn't paying any attention. Doctors, patients, patients families walking by getting a show. I wondered why the nurse kept covering me up...I was like dang I am hot...stop that. I thought that, I didn't say it. Yeah, not my finest moment.
• I guess it was 5ish and I wanted to go home. The nurse said if I was ready I could. So I sat up and started putting clothes on and then I stood up to pull my shorts up and I almost hit the floor. Nausea, dizzy, weak...not fun! My nurse came in and checked my blood pressure and it was 70/40!!!! Needless to say I stayed a bit longer, drinking fluids and eating a few crackers. Finally it got up a little and Scott was able to take me home to his parents.
• I get there and crashed in their bed, to wake up a little later to about 8 itchy places on my legs and torso. I thought bug bites, but not sure why I was the only one. And they were like blisters more than anything else. But, I stuck with bug bites and my fearless protector did kill a tiny little ant while he played some cowboy game on the xbox.
• The next day I woke up to a sore throat. I thought hmm, I must have snored a lot while not using my crap C-pap mask. Running a low grade temp, but thought it was just my body responding to surgery.
• Wednesday I wake up and the blister like things on my legs/torso are red around them and hard. Not bug bites. Then that night I found the flashlight and looked in my mouth...EEEEK! White little blister like things all over the roof of my mouth and a few sores on my tongue. Temp was a little higher but not over 101.
• Thursday I had a dressing change appointment with Dr. P. Everything looked good under the bandages. Yes, bandages...what I thought would be one incision ended up being 2 due to having difficulty getting one of the leads in...GRR. I showed him my 'sores' on my body and the things in my mouth and he thought strep maybe, but said I should see my primary care physician.
• Ok, I call my PCP and it is Thursday...they are closed Friday so they were slammed and couldn't see me. I was scared it was strep and that it might be like last time and I end up with a picc line and IV antibiotics for 6 weeks. So the nurse said to to express care/ER. We go and sit for about 4 hours. To have a PA come in and say, just to cover any issues let's just give you an antibiotic. WHAT? He hadn't even seen what I had going on. Scott and I flipped out a little and he sent us over to the ER side. That doctor knew my history of an infection at the surgical site and he ordered blood work, cultures and swabbed my throat. He gave me a shot in the butt too :( for pain and nausea.
• The rapid strep came back negative. My sed rate was 64 but my cell count was mostly normal. He did give me an antibiotic.
• Friday when I woke up, my throat was so much worse. My hangy down thing was so swollen it was making me gag. It looked like someone had a snow ball fight in my mouth!! I think it looks more like thrush/yeast. So, I started doing salt water gargles and today did vinegar. The vinegar seems to be the most helpful - that and throat spray. Food sucks, it hurts so much to swallow.
• I am eating yogurt to hopefully help with the yeast, and it feels good on my throat. Temp is still up and down....crazy thing. My mysterious lesions on my body are going away - Thank you God!
• Good news is, other than the surgical pain my back is feeling better. I really think this was just the miracle I needed to get to feeling better. Even though it is like I got a pacemaker in my butt.

Can't sleep dang it. I took meds to help with that and I just got a lot on my mind I guess. When sleep does come I am sure it will be deep and good.

Scott didn't get his wish that this box had a mute button - HA!

I really am excited that this 'bionic' status will make my life much better. It is crazy how it works, but I am glad it does. I wonder how someone thought this up? Well, they are my hero!

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts during the past two years. 4 surgeries on my back, 1 D&C, lots of medications and doctors appointments has been a long journey. Things happen for a reason I know, all of this was part of a plan that He has for my life.

Ooo it is after 2 am, gotta go to sleep or else I won't get up for church tomorrow and I need church...I have a lot to be thankful for!

Friends...can make everything alright!

Last weekend we spent time with some old friends...well, they ain't old but we have known each other forever. You know a friendship is real and tough, when you get together and you just pick right up where you left off. Our moves to Myrtle Beach kind of caused us to lose touch. We still saw each other at Christmas and such but it just wasn't the same.

Then over the last 2 years, through all my health drama...I developed an anti-social way of life and barely let anyone in. Even some family were not in that inner circle of who I thought I needed. Not because I didn't need them - I just needed (well, I thought I needed this) to keep everyone at arms length. Leslie, my Divas and my mother in law were about it ... well, other than Scott. It is hard to explain but I hated laying all my issues on other people, and so those few got it all - and handled it lovely I might add.

*I feel bad even typing that...looking back I know I hurt family and friends by not letting them help or even be there for me to just listen. I don't know if I could have done it differently. Even looking back at it, I just don't think I could have been my normal self. It was more self-preservation I think. It was like if I don't tell it all to everyone - maybe it won't feel so real and sad. Hard to explain :(

Anyways, since the first-ish part of the year I have been letting walls down and feeling more like myself. I am glad that some family didn't give up on me. We were still feeling kind of 'lonely'.

Before we moved to the beach, we had friends from work and friends from family. People we just did things with. Then we get to the beach and fell in love with the Huggins. We did so much together and some nights did nothing at all but eat sugar cookies and watch TV. We had friends from my work too and other church friends so we felt normal (normal for us).

So, now with me not working SIGH, my girly friendships are at an all time low. I missed Leslie and Burt, and all our friends in Myrtle Beach so much. We haven't found our church yet here, so those bonds are still not formed. Then...it happened. I don't even know how it all came about really...but our good friends from years ago and us spent some time together having a yard sale. Then, we planned a get together and went to their house to swim and enjoy each others company. And there we were, like there never was a gap in our friendship time line.

When we were having dinner that night, laughing and cutting up...it all hit me and I almost lost it. I missed this, missed hanging out and that the past two years have felt like I was standing still in some lonely little place. Physically, I couldn't do much and knew I would be a drag to anyone. But, the hope of getting better was stronger than ever. That hope has brought the old me back out.

Sometimes it is hard to make real good friends too. Scott and I are not really the most normal couple in all the world (no comments from the peanut gallery please). We don't go out dancing and drinking and parties. We never have. Dinner, movie and a game or two is our idea of a great evening. Crashing on the couch talking about celebs, reality TV...any ole thing is a great night too. I forgot how it all felt...it has been that long!!

So hanging out with TW and Tammie felt like 'home'. Their daughter Briana is 17 and so beautiful. Not just on the outside, she is a good girl all the way around. She preferred to hang out with us and her parents that night than to go to a friends party. She is just like that, Tammie and TW are so blessed.

And, just to clarify ... Tw is my dad's brothers son. So yeah, we are cousins but more than that - we are friends.

I wish I could have been more Hope-like when I was so down, I know that all the hard times would have been more tolerable. But, hindsight is 20/20.

The moral of this story children is this...try not to let the situation control you. It can alienate you from some people that love you and want to be there for you.

Not only have we started to feel normal enough to hang out with friends, our families have been fun to hang out with too. We had a bon-fire at my brothers last weekend and it was so much fun. We spent time with our Lail's today and I can't tell you what it meant to me to see Scott and Chris working on a project together. I tormented them by asking repeatedly if they were done yet, but seeing them together was so special.

Well, that is it for this post....several more rattling around in my brain. I am bionic by the way...EEEK!

My Poppy

***I was searching for a date, funny how I can come here and find out when something happened...and it is usually here.  Then I found this. It was originally posted June, 2009.  I can't stop the tears, I miss him so much.  Every word was true - I could have wrote so much more.  Isaac never came.  No child ever came.  Even if a miracle happened and God gave us a dozen...they won't know him.  They will know of him, but they won't experience him.  sigh.  

s i g h

I miss you.  The surgery was fine, but I was so apprehensive to even have it without you there to wrap your soft but rough hands around mine and pray over your baby girl.  No one can pray like you do poppy.  I miss you...yeah, I said that already.    

My mother even tells that I am a daddy's girl. From the time I was a little girl I can remember loving time with him. Some of my earliest memories of daddy/daughter time was centered around fishing. That love is still there.



I was two or three and he took me fishing and I was restless. So he handed me the carton of worms (yeah...grosses me out to think about it too now) and I took them and tied them into knots - not enough to kill or hurt them...just sweet lil knots. He tells the story to this day, always with a big smile on his face.

I love to watch him throw this net to catch shad...he is so good at it! Santee Cooper in SC is his favorite place to fish!

When my hands got big enough to take fish off the hooks, he taught me how. He was so proud of me when I took my first crappie off the hook. But, he has never let me take my catfish off - he has always been so scared of me getting stung. He has four sons, but his favorite fishing buddy has always been me.


There are so many wonderful things I love about my poppy. He has this fierce love for his family and will do anything within his power to take care of us. He is so smart, he is creative and boy he has a talent for growing vegetables. He has such a giving heart, everything he grows he shares with anyone who needs it. So many qualities about him just makes you love him. But most of all - he loves God. He has served our Lord in so many ways in his life time. Growing up he took us to church any time the doors were open. He pastored a church for all of my childhood and most of my adulthood. He got the family together and we sung at different churches, he would come home from work and no matter how tired we went to sing or to hear him preach.






To hear him pray is so heart touching, he just pours his heart out. When I am sick, I still call him and ask him to either pray with me or to come and pray over me.


His voice is shaky now, but he used to have this strong singing voice. He has a little lisp too...which is so cute.


He is 77 now, he doesn't pastor but he still preaches. His health is not so good, but twice a week he goes to the prison to teach and preach with the inmates. Once a month he goes on Sunday night to sing and preach a message to them. Monday nights he has a Bible study at the house, he is a Revelation know it all sometimes :) He works harder now than he did when he was younger!! But, it keeps him busy and going. He loves it. His heart is with the prisoners who are in a place that Mark was at. He wishes someone had been there like that for Mark.

He takes a stand and isn't afraid to defend it, but he also is open to the fact that he can be wrong. But, if it is Bible based - you will have a fight on your hands to change his mind.


He is my hero in so many ways. He is the only one that can call me Hopeless and really get away with it. He is a hugger. He calls out of the blue just to see how I am and say "I love you". He is tender hearted, and hurts when I hurt. To see the tears in his eyes on Mother's day when he announced that his baby girl was celebrating her first mother's day was enough to make me cry again just thinking about it.


My water pipes break - call daddy.
My car has a problem - call daddy.
My A/C is acting up - call daddy.
My heart is hurt - call daddy.
My prayers feel useless - call daddy.
Time to go fishing - call daddy.
Need some green beans - call daddy.
Want some love - call daddy.


What is wonderful as well - Scott loves him just as much. And my daddy loves him too. They could have been father and son. They both love fishing, working on cars, piddling with things.


Today, my poppy was the oldest father in church. In my eyes, and Scott's...he was the best as well. I love him. There are no words to express how much it means that Isaac is coming soon so I can share my poppy with him. That little boy will know how much my daddy loves him and how much I hope he gets to learn how to take a fish off the hook and learns all about Jesus from his poppy.

He can be so silly!

He loves his family so much - this is a bunch of us - not all!

Quick update...

I just got off the phone with the lawyer - Jami he is SO nice. He answered all my questions and even though I was nervous lol, you could tell he was smiling at times and is really confident that this will all go smoothly. He says that when birth mom and adoptive mom find each other makes for the best adoptions.

He told me a lot of things that have to be done between now and October. He made me at ease about the father issue. He said that they put an announcement in the Sun times and Chicago tribune that the baby is going to be born and they have X amount of days to respond. He will call her and get things rolling with her, paperwork and such. There will be a lawyer for the baby as well. I have to have the homestudy and all that will be done here through DSS.

We talked about finances *gulp* It is a lot, but God is gonna make a way - I have no doubt. We have to have a 5k retainer for him before he does anything. The home study is 1500-2000. The baby's lawyer will be about 1500-2000. Filing paperwork and such down here will be about 500. Sooo, anyone got 10k laying around anywhere they just don't need LOL.

Extreme range of emotions but I have to have faith that God brought us here, He is gonna see us through it all. But as my mamma says, prayers need legs sometimes and we are going to work our tooshies off to make every dime. So pray for our finances and for my final surgery on the 29th - I will be bionic! *insert six million dollar man sound effects here*

Heading to Hickory to eat with the family...suhweeeeeet!

p.s. if anyone has any suggestions on raising this much money quickly (and legally) I would appreciate any information.

His plan...

I know it has been a while since I posted. I admit that I got discouraged for a bit. I hadn't heard from her. I sent her letters with no response. I had no clue how else to get in touch with her.

Hope, God has a plan.

One minute I would have so much peace about it all. I just knew everything would turn out ok, then like a thief doubt set in. It stole pieces of that peace every chance it got. Ever day that passed - I worried.

I have a plan. Love, God.

One Saturday we were heading out to Ida Hope's first birthday party. We never check the mail early in the day - our mailperson takes lunch from 12-4 so we know she hasn't been here. (I think I am joking about the lunch.) But, we check the mail. Going out of our driveway it is on my side of the car. I pull out the mail - junk, bill, junk, sales paper, magazine, junk...envelope. Her name is written on it. Funny...looks like my writing - how cool we have the same....wait. It IS my hand writing. My first letter since the adoption portfolio was returned to me. Big red letters RTS written across it with a stamp saying no forwarding address.

I knew today before the first second ticked away, plans are unfolding working perfectly. Love, God.

I crashed. I couldn't breathe. This sent me over the edge. I wasn't sure if she had sent it back to me, or if she left the rehab and didn't give an address. All sorts of things ran through my mind and heart - none of them good. BREATHE, I kept telling myself. Scott was the same but different. Men...if they one time would just react like a woman they wouldn't keep it all in! I don't know how I made it through this party. Staring at this beautiful little one year old. I really don't remember it all. I walked into my parents house and Scott walked over to hug me and I said no...I will crumble. I can't breathe.

Trust Me, I am your God.

We finally were able to leave and in the car it all started to come out. I didn't want to go home. It was like if I go there, I know what will happen. I will curl up and feel it all. I was angry at God. I asked Him why. I yelled at him HOW! I told Him I wasn't talking to Him for now, well except to tell Him I wasn't talking to Him. My heart might have, but not on purpose. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to hear..."God has a plan for you", "It just wasn't meant to be", "pray about it". So we didn't tell anyone. We stopped for limeades and then I told Scott I just wanted to crash in the bed with him. Just hold each other until the rage of it all had passed. So we did that. My husband sobbed. He did more so for me than for anything. I can't express how much this man hurts for me when I hurt. It takes my breath.

You can yell at me, ask me why and be angry. I can take it. I will ease your pain, but you have to trust Me.

I woke up the next morning with a little more control of my feelings and was a little more rational about it. What if? hmmm what if she is out and they really don't have her address. But it has been weeks and no call. What if things are so crazy for her and she thinks we are all good. Hope crept back in. It didn't drown out the blaring doubt, but it was hope none the less. We didn't go to church - still angry so I just showed him by not going to church...yeah that worked. We went to the mountains for the pig pickin, listening to 106.9. Christian station and a song came on about praising Him in the storm. I flipped the channel to 88.1 Joy FM...gospel station. There was a song about Him being a mountain mover. Every song applicable to this situation. Scott and I both wept.

I am here, can't you hear Me...I'm calling out your name. Always, God.

The pig pickin was lovely. The McCurry's are some of the best people you will know. The weather was perfect. It was Italy's birthday and she was beautiful. We knew she had a birthday party that evening too, but we wouldn't miss it no matter the storm inside. We headed back down the mountain for a quick nap before the party and I e-mailed Jami. I told her about the letter and how we felt it was over. I freaked her out I am sure. She emailed me back saying that she would talk to De and Bre and see what they could find out.

Don't be afraid, I am with you - I am your God.

We went to Italy's party and fell in love with her all over again. She is precious. It was good to see family, Keta's family who are such warm beautiful people. We didn't stay too long, I was emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted. We went home and I clicked on facebook and there was a message from Jami. I hear God answered prayers. I sent her back Huh? I don't know what you are talkin bout Willis! Then the phone rings. It was Jami. Out of the clear blue, not really God did it...Rebecca called Breann. They told her I was worried and she said she called and left me a message. I have zero signal in the mountains! She said she just knew things with me were settled for one, but she has been so busy since getting out. She got her house, and got her youngest son back and then all the meetings and such she has...she has been overwhelmed. AHHhhh OUCH...God just smacked my butt hard.

Hope, I am working things for your good. I love you and never want you to hurt.

Well, my heart was ok...I felt foolish, spent a lot of time on my knees begging for forgiveness. I wish doubt wasn't so strong. I wish my faith was stronger. I called her back and left a message to call when she could. It was so great to hear her voice. It was great to give family and friends the good news. Jami found me a lawyer and I emailed him to see if he would take our case. What on earth would I do without her. He emailed me and told me to call him this week. Monday came. I hadn't heard from her. Hmm...*knock knock - doubt and despair calling*...I opened the door and let them right in! So today at the urging of you guessed it...Jami...well, a few other wonderful friends too...I called her.

Hope did you forget Psalms 27:14? Wait on me, be of good courage and I will strengthen your heart.

It was a beautiful conversation. I first asked her how she was, how things were with her son and how the baby was doing. She is doing good, tired but good. Her son is amazing and a hand full, who reminds her every day why this is the right decision. We chit chatted some. Her little brother (8) is having open heart surgery in July and she is spending a lot of time with him too. (Pray for him) She never got my message...she is having phone issues. I told her of my anxiety and she said Hope, I won't change my mind. Please know that. *heart skipped*

We talked about her family and her parents are behind her decision 100%. They both are doctors and with a sick child and their jobs...they can't take another child. We talked about the father. She said he won't want a baby and will not be an issue. *FAITH HOPE...FAITH* I told her that I had spoken to a lawyer and was it ok to give him her number....she immediately said YES! I will give him all he needs. I asked her if it was ok for us to talk, if she would prefer to go through the lawyer exclusively that was up to her. She said she wants to talk to me, and I could call her any time I wanted. I asked her about the type of adoption she wanted - open, closed?? Before she answered, I told her that Scott and I would accommodate her however much contact or such she needed. Whatever felt right in her heart was what we wanted. She said she wanted pictures and updates. That if we did meet, she basically wanted to be called Aunt Rebecca. My heart broke and healed in like 2 seconds. It broke for her, for this situation...but was healed when she said you are the mommy.

Nothing is impossible for Me Hope, with men maybe, but not Me!

Our conversation continued a bit then she said...I have a question for you. I gulped. I about blurted out ..."OK OK...I am addicted to playing farmtown on Facebook and If you give me Ketchup I will put it on nearly everything"...thinking I was about to be asked some daunting secret or something. Then she said..."I asked my gynecologist if it would be possible to schedule the birth. I was hoping that you and Scott could come here when the baby is born. I want you to take him home from the hospital". Can you just hear my heart singing?? I said "yes, we want to be there, we were hoping it would be ok with you". She was glad, she was afraid I wouldn't want to be there. Then she said would it be too weird for you to be in the room with me? I about screamed. I had to rope in all those emotions and calmly said I would be honored, would love to. My mind wandered to him being placed in my arms. SIGH

I told you so I told you so...nanananan...wait that was Jami not God this time.

I was on such a high from it all. I told her she was amazing. She said she knows this is right, she knows this was from God. She said she was feeling hopeless and Breann told her about me...then she found out my name was Hope and she said she knew God orchestrated this. Her family knows. I told her about how her name and his name connected and she said SEEE...God! You are in NC, I am in IL and there is no other way we would have found each other without HIM. It touched me so much to give my sweet Jesus the credit.

She wants to see me when I go in August to see the lawyer and visit with Jami and hopefully Kari and Shannon and De and Bre. I am so in love with her and our son. I felt so inclined to put up a baby ticker :) I finally let Scott read the letters that I have written to Isaac. No more doubt will take away one second of this love and excitement. My God is a mountain mover and I know He has a plan.

On a side note, watching the Rebekah's go through the last 24 hours has moved me to tears more than once. Please pray for them all. So happy for them. Our stories are both miracles. Not the normal way a baby is brought into a mother's life. God's fingerprints are every where.

I promise to keep updates more frequent and will post pictures of the one year olds soon!

Thank you for the prayers.

Wow

Sometimes words just can't express love, beauty, peace and contentment. So WOW will have to do I guess.

For at least 18 years now, Mother's day has marked a day of exclusion for me. It was a day that I dreaded. I tried to feign sickness or convenient trip. I rarely made it through the church service. If I did, I was usually drained for the rest of the day, unable to even work up any excitement to celebrate the two most important mothers in my life.

Today was different.

I looked forward to going to the service, to spend the day with my mom. And really, my first thought was not that Isaac is within reach - I guess this whole situation has released that pain, has healed it really.

Since learning of Rebecca and Isaac, I have tried to avoid my pain medications - I just don't want to miss a moment of this. I have smiled more, have lived more, have planned more than I have in a very long time. I have thought about getting out of the house to spend time with family and friends, I cherish ever moment even more with Scott. This feeling is amazing and I don't want to let it go even for a second.

The majority of people that I have told about this blessing have been excited for us, but cautiously so. Usually the first thing said is - is this for sure, what are the risks. I don't blame them, I have asked the same. I love that they are thinking of our hearts and the ache that is a possibility. I tell them about the 72 hours after Isaac is born, Rebecca has every right to change her mind. We are not naive, we know the risks. But, if I was stuck on that - I wouldn't be able to enjoy this feeling, this journey. I have to put my faith in Him and even if tomorrow came and the journey ended, nothing could take away the happiness and hope we have enjoyed these last few weeks. This feeling that my son is a few months from being in my arms is worth the risk, the love I feel is worth the risk.

I haven't went out and bought everything imaginable for a nursery YET, but we will :). My sci fi loving husband wants to do a space ship nursery...haha. I think a primary color car/train/plane/truck theme would be awesome. I loved Burt and Leslie's nursery and it is along those lines. We will see I guess.

Anyway, today I went to my parents church. As always, flowers were made available for the mothers. They did it a little different; the mothers went up front to get their rose and I just didn't feel that I was ready for that. (HAHA, you will get my laughter in a minute). So I smiled, sat there enjoying watching my mother get hers. All had laughs when the oldest mother got her extra lil something...mom missed it by only 3 years. She used to get the most kid one, but I was her only babe there this Sunday.

I am always asked to sing when I go to their church, and usually I do without much prodding. But, I tried not to today. But, if you could see my moms sweet lil face, you would just give in too!! I had picked out a song - kinda random at first - but when I got up to sing it clicked as to why God and Scott selected this song. The Whisnants sing 'Is anything too hard for God?', and I was comfy with it, practiced it a few times. I get up there and tell him track 3 on the disc. I start singing and feel the emotion of it all catching up to me. I start the second verse and the words popped me in the heart. 'Only believe, trust His word you'll see. His plans are now unfolding, performing perfectly. It's clear how much He loves you, just look at all He's done...' and I was done. I can't remember ever choking up completely in a song - but today was the day.

I turned to the pastor and asked him to stop the music. I am not one to speak much publicly, I get so tongue tied. I turned to the congregation and started telling them the story, the beautiful amazing, miracle of a story about our winding road to Isaac. People were crying with me, people were saying amen. I don't remember all I said but ended it with NOTHING is too hard for my God.

I turned to give the mic to the pastor and walk back to my seat and my dad (who sits on the front row) stopped me. I thought he was gonna sing at first. Then he walked past me a little and grabbed a beautiful deep red rose from the basket. He looked out at the church and said today was his daughters first Mother's day. He hugged me and we cried and they he asked for the pastor and the church to pray over this rose and to pray for Scott, myself, Rebecca and Isaac. Boy did they pray. It will be one of the most beautiful memories of my daddy.

I took my rose today.

I sat down beside Scott, who had tear stains on his pretty blue shirt. I love him.

The sermon was about mothers of course. But, it was for me. He told us how we should tell our mother's how much we love them and appreciate them. Then he spoke on how God knew who our mothers would be before we were even born. *the kicker* That just because a woman gives birth to a child doesn't necessarily mean that is who God has chosen to be the babies mother. *sniffle* They prayed again for us before we left. Prayer changes things, God is still on the throne.

Beautiful day.

After church, my mother had a wonderful rest of her day. It has been years, due to sad circumstances, since my mother has had all her children together in her home. Today she cooked the best beef roast I have ever eaten...super moist and tender. Actually my daddy made it now that I think of it. She made a big ham too, both were done in a crock pot I think then put in the oven and the outsides were crispy - YUM DE DUM! Dad fussed said we should have taken her out to eat - which I offered. But, she wanted to have the family at home. And she did. It was wonderful, there was no tension that is usually felt. People talked and laughed. Children and a dog under foot the whole time. Chickens outside being silly and close to fighting...crazy chickens.

The whole family wasn't there as far as grand kids and spouses but mom had her boys and her girl. The only one missing was Mark. And he was there too. This day is hard on a mother who has lost a child...more so than one who doesn't have one I would expect.

When I left mom's I went and fell in love with a yard full of puppies. My brother's dog had 8....he refers to her now as the real octo mom haha. They are sickeningly cute! NO HOPE NO!

After getting home, I turned on the TV to just hear something mindlessly while I cleaned on my bedroom a little. It was a Christmas movie - Fred Claus. Scott came in at the end and watching it had us both bawling one of those ugly cries. Nothing bad, just believing that this will be our first Christmas as mom and dad. SIGH

Beautiful day.

The most comical part of it is this...ooo I hope Scott doesn't read this. Little back history. Scott is not a golfer. He wants to golf, but it is a risky dangerous sport for him and I think he should try bungee jumping or race car driving ... something safer than Golf!

A few years ago, he went golfing with his brother Chris. Not knowing how dangerous this sport was, I didn't have him take out any extra insurance or write me a good by letter just in case. A few hours later he returns with his hands wrapped up and in obvious pain. He went to swing at the ball, on the tee and dug a 8 inch hole with the driver. He fractured both hands! Only Scott.

So tonight I am on the phone with Misti - a lovely almost 2 hour chat and I hear Scott huffing and puffing as he walks into the bedroom. Sounded like he had ran a marathon or something. I turn to look at him and there he stood with his t-shirt in one hand and in the other....a broken driver golf club. I was scared a little not knowing what happened...and here is how it went.

"gasp, gasp, sigh, gasp"

"Honey?? Are you ok??"

unable to speak Scott shakes his no head between gasping.

"What happened?"

gasp

"I"

gasp

"was"

gasp

"attacked!"

ooo the thoughts that ran through my mind, an intruder, huge dog, Sabre tooth lion...I was really a little worried at this point.

"ATTACKED?? BY WHAT??"

gasp

"It was"

gasp

"A"

wait for it...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"BEE!"

I roll laughing, close to peein in my paints.

He then held up his hands like a foot apart saying it was that big...ohh goodness, I can't breathe.

There he stands with his t-shirt off and a broken big Bertha!! To kill this foot long mutant bee!! I asked how the living room was and he said ok, looking at me with a big grimace. He said it got him too and I was picturing a hunk out of his hand and it looked more like a mosquito bite. HAHA I can't stand it. SOO funny.

He is now worried that he is gonna turn into bumble bee man or something since it was mutant. I had to call his brother who laughed harder than I did. SO FUNNY! I will be buzzing in his ear for a week or more haha.

Ok, super sleepy...Happy Mother's Day ya'll.

Thanks for the prayers and support, I can't tell you how much it all means.

Happy Mother's Day to me :)

She called!!!

About 15 minutes ago. I was laying there with a cool cloth on my head - dang headache for some reason. The phone rang with my generic ring and I almost let it go to voice mail...but I didn't. I had Survivor on the TV and was freakin out to find the remote to turn it off.

She said that Sunday was so crazy with family that she had no time to call. She then left my number at her moms so she had no way really to call me.

But my packet finally got to her and my numbers and such were in it of course. She said she has read it like 20 times and it has kept her in such a great mood all day. She said that seeing that we love to fish was exciting...she loves to fish too. There were a lot of things she said that made her so happy.

She said she knows this is what she wants and that she hasn't changed her mind at all. She sounded so excited. She is calling me again on Saturday unless something happens.

Let's see there was something else....

hmmmwhat was it???

dobedobedooooooooooooooo hmm what could it be???

OOOHHhhh yeah I know...

Do you really want to know???

Should I make you wait???

noooo I am not that mean!!

or am I????

I can't wait to see a picture of our Isaac John Henry Lail...that is a mouthful huh? beautiful wonderful mouthful!

Prayer changes things...

Yeah, it is really 3:43 am. I have been awake since 2:33 am. I took a pain pill so this is not the norm for me. I went to sleep fine, easy and Scott knows it is gonna be a good night when I can drift off to sleep right when he does basically.

Before I did fall to sleep...actually I think I fell asleep during - oops sorry God, I was praying. Praying for God to answer some financial issues, praying for Rebecca and hoping that she is doing fine and nothing is wrong. Since learning of her, the prospect of taking this journey has been emotional on all sorts of levels as I am sure you could imagine. But, one of the greatest concerns has been financial.

I haven't worked in over 2 years. Scott's current job is one of the lowest paying jobs he has had in his career...maybe the lowest. But, we have no doubt that this job was a gift from God and all gifts from God are good...can I get an amen? (This was the message Sunday morning)

But, we went from two really good salaries to one not so good salary. I won't go into details but just in doctor visits (not surgeries or procedures or RX's or tests...just visits) have put a major dent in our 'extra' monies each month. Last month alone I saw 4 different doctors spread out in 9 different visits.

So yeah - finances have become intense.

Where did I think that money for a home study, lawyer, travel, other expenses was gonna come from? I looked at our savings, which was looking pretty good for a while - and umm well, *blush* 2840....oops I missed a decimal...28.40. Sweet, I could use that to put gas in the car to get to the airport in Charlotte. SIGH

But, I have faith that God will make a way. I have to. Faith sustains me in so many ways. Without it I just couldn't handle this chronic pain. Without faith, this sad deep pain of infertility would devour me.

So, my mind slips off to dream land while I am whispering prayers to my ever present, all knowing, wonderful, graceful God around 1130ish. I wake up with tears streaming down my face, with my heart so full, my head about to explode to tell someone what I really feel God just opened my eyes to. I lay there for 20 minutes rubbing Scott's hand, playing with his hair, moving around and finally I whisper "I love you" and he says..."you gotta go pee?" I giggle no. (I have to get out on his side of the bed to go to the bathroom right now - long story)

Then he asked why was I shaking, and I told him that I just had this answer from God about our finances. I took my crap (cpap) mask off and said it again, and this time Scott sat up on his elbow to listen.

I didn't dream it, I woke up just knowing...and it really scared me that He can just do that.

I love photography (as I have bored you to tears with pics I am sure). I want to start a little business one day. Not as much for money but for the joy I get from taking pictures and seeing others love them when I show the shots to them. (though money is nice).

I woke up to knowing what I needed to do to make money for our adoption plans, to get my business off the ground and to feed that joy.

I am making fliers come tomorrow to give to friends, family, docs offices (should get something back from all the money I spend there) and where ever else I can think of.

25 dollars, I come to you and take your pictures - family, baby...whatever (weddings scare me though) and I put the best on a cd/dvd and give it to them to print or I have access to a professional printing company that will create packages for me.

I know I am not a professional photographer by any means, but I love it, I am told I have a good eye for it and God gives us things that we love and are good at for a reason and He gave me a reason at 230 this morning.

I have this thing about asking for money from people - even family. I just can't do it. I can do it if I am giving them something even better in return.

I asked Scott if I was crazy or if the pain pill has done a job on me and through tears of his own he said no. He thinks I am good at it. He has always encouraged me to go for it. I have been my worse critic.

He wanted to kick me out of the bed when I said I had to blog about it right now. But, he is snoring now so I know I am not keeping him awake.

So family, friends...expect to hear more over the next few days - yay.

Ok, now you can return to your regularly scheduled programming.

God is good all the time.

Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.

Jeremiah 33:3

sorry

for the lack of an update....but it is a reflection of the lack of information I have.

She didn't call.

I know in her situation that things can happen, a variety of things that could keep her from calling. My greatest fear is after spending time with her family and her other two children she has changed her mind. If that is God's plan, what can I say. I just pray for some information either way.

DeAnn did say she was excited after talking to me Thursday and wanted to know if the baby would have my accent.

still praying...