He shouldn't be our last resort!

John 14:14 'If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.'

A man asked help from his brothers, and they had no time. He turned to his children, and they had too many other things to do. He tried his friends, but they were all away. Feeling lonely and alone, he knelt down and prayed. Why is it that we turn to God only after all our other options are closed? God has promised to give us the desires of our hearts, and yet we seek them in a hundred other places. We need to make God our first choice, not our last. Keep the Lord first in you heart, first in your mind, and first in all you do and say. You'll be amazed what it can do for you!

He should NEVER be a last resort...always our first stop!

I do a devotion thread on a group I am a member of. It has pushed me to do devotions even more knowing that people are relying on me and that maybe one person may be affected spiritually by this.

I really had a hard time yesterday, I know I am pmsing...but my desire for a child sometimes just makes me lose my mind...and I am ashamed to say my faith sometimes. If I had such strong faith, why was I sitting here crying and frustrated...and frustrated is a horrible place to be. I don't like that word at all. I looked up the definition a while back and here it is...to make (plans, efforts, etc.) worthless or of no avail; defeat; nullify; to disappoint or thwart; to make INVALID or INEFFECTUAL! GRR I sat here yesterday calling our new insurance to see what fertility treatments are covered. NONE. I sat here angry, hurt, and my first act should have been to fall to my knees and ask God to make a way, but I had to have a pity party and it took all day and all evening to get to God. I admit I get angry at Him sometimes, because I don't understand why. I know there is a purpose, and most days I can accept that...but some days I just want to know. But my King is going to let me in on this on HIS time, he will deliver me from this valley that I live in, and one day I will know!

Death and memories

Funny how death of someone brings up so many memories of the past.

Today I went and picked up my mom and we went to services for my mothers cousins family. They lost Mary Clark...I think she was 90 or so. My mom talks about her frequently, she and her family was some of my moms favorite. One of the daughters in specific was Wanda. Mom and her have always been close. Mom calls her Sally Gooden...I will have to ask why :)

I woke this morning thinking about the family of Mary's that I knew. First person that popped into my mind was Cindy. Her and I are around the same age, but that was probably one of the few similarities. Cindy was tall, black hair dark eyes...beautiful. She was always right in style, she wore make up :), she listened to pop...she was a Duran Duran freak! Oh wow, that made me smile. She was smart, pretty and popular in school...I got good grades too but she was really smart. I was the pudgy, not the most popular but I was liked. Cindy would have her friends over and she would never make me feel left out. I always admired her, and how she stood up to people and she stuck to her beliefs. We lived pretty close together, she has a little sister...Janet. I didn't have a little sister, but I had Misti and sometimes we would go walking and take them with us...I have pictures somewhere of her with Janet on her shoulders and me with Misti on mine. Now that I think about it...that picture looks so much like Lily.

Cindy had goals and plans and as far as I know she did them all. She lives in Georgia I think, Atlanta or close to it. THOUGH...she told me she didn't want children...she had brothers and Janet and they drove her nuts :). I told her I wanted 4...haha. Memories. I saw her today, could tell her heart was broken about her grandmother. She is still so beautiful, she has a very handsome husband and a few months ago I was shocked to hear she was pregnant...and today she told me she has a baby. I really am so happy for her. Before she told me about her baby, she asked..."Hope, so how many babies do you have?" I could hear in my head me telling her..."I want 4" and I just felt the tears well up as I said none. I choked them back, tried my best not to let them spill over my eye lid and ruin my make up. She hugged me tight, I told her I loved her and was so sorry for her loss. She told me she loved me too, and I know she meant it. I really would love to sit and just catch up with her, but I know this is really a family time and hope that in the near future we can catch up.

Another person died around the same time. Chuck Boone. He was a good friend of Johnny's. They played music together for a long time, our families were close for a long time too. But, kids grow up, and things change. Johnny and him weren't as close either. I remember him fondly...except for making him stop forwarding me dirty jokes :). I called him Bucket Mouth of the South...he was on the CB radio a lot and had a realllly deep voice. He called me Bucket Mouth number 2! I am so sorry for the loss, he was such a character. My mom cooked and sent them food last night and they are going to the receiving of friends tonight.

I don't want to ever be in the position of being the grieving family again, doing it with Mark and our grandparents was enough. I wish sometimes the Lord would just come on back and keep me from that, and end this pain of my childless life. I can't even entertain the foster/adoption route right now. Mom will be living with me for a long while after her surgery and all we have are 2 bedrooms. i can't tell mom that, she would feel like she was imposing. She isn't at all, God has a plan Hope...remember that!

How do we say goodbye?

Today I really feel like Luc is hurting and that maybe it is time. How do we do this, but how can we let him live in pain. I gave him an aspirin and hope that he does better today. He doesn't cry out in pain but if he can't get up and can't walk...it has to be painful to do so. He has been such a great dog. This big ole dog has been inside most of his life. There were times when my parents took care of him and unless the weather was really bad he was outside. He loved it either way.

He was given to me by Dixie, Susie's sister. He has been like a child to us. When I would get that negative result on a pregnancy test...it was like he knew I was hurting and would come and lay his head in my lap. He has always been well behaved, never chewed up a thing, would let kids ride him and romp all over him. He was just 5-6 weeks old when we got him, black and white...which rapidly turned to this most beautiful grey and white. We kept him shaved a lot and he looked so funny that way. But, it was cool and much easier to manage.

He went with us to the beach this last time and we think the spray they used in the apartment made him sick, so he came home to my parents. They took great care of him, but they don't brush him and he got all matted up and looked so pitiful. So yesterday we decided the weather was warm enough and it was time to bring him home. He was getting up slow, but he was up and knew what was going on. He was so excited and after 3 long hours and a bath, we were in the car coming home. We get her and he can't get out of the car...he tried and couldn't stand up. So Scott carried him to the front yard. Sandy came out and was really good with him. He perked up and played a little with her and then laid down. He really hasn't walked much since. Scott carried him into the house and we wrapped him up in a towel. I thought maybe he is just getting chilled from the lack of hair and all the excitement. He laid there for a long time and then moved a little...I thought getting comfy, but then Sandy freaked out and started barking. Scott went to take her out and she kept looking back at Luc and so Scott uncovered him to find he had peed a river...he must not could have gotten up. :( Scott carried him outside and he couldn't walk, so Scott got a blanket and put him on it and covered him up with it too and he stayed there all night.

This morning I didn't want to go out there, I was so afraid to find him dead. I woke off and on to hear him bark and was comforted by that. Scott came in and said he had moved somehow to the other side of the yard and that to brought me relief.

I called my mom and she said to give him an aspirin, so I have and hope that he will feel better today. If not, we will go to the vet tomorrow. He had an appetite and drank, so that is good. I guess we will see, but I know that it is close to saying goodbye. We got him in March 1992. He was 15 years this year...the vet can't believe he has lived this long. Old English Sheepdogs don't live that long normally. So we are so blessed. But, that doesn't ease the sting of losing him. I just have to cling to our memories and our 'family' pic...will have to post that.

sniffles

Family weekend!

We had such a great time with all of our family. Scott's brother came by and I don't think he knew what to think! He had been to a few dinners and things but this was the real thing, music, tons of family, food and just plain ole country folk. I would have to think anyone on the outside looking in would be envious of how special our families are. Though we don't get together enough...when we do, there is such a ease about it. I am so blessed with my wonderful family. Next time there will be a BIG photo of everyone...didn't have the room inside the house and it was raining.

There are pictures here: http://ponspics.blogspot.com/ Much easier to post them there and not make this blog so huge :) That is the plan anyways.

I made mom a blog as well, her link is on the side. She has read it and I think everything that is there before the doctors visit. She is so touched to know that people are thinking of her and praying for her. I have gotten a few emails I think I will post there too.

Easter...

Easter was beautiful...COLD, but beautiful. We went to Myrtle Beach to spend it with our bestest friends Burt, Leslie and Colin. They invited us to stay at their house, and it was wonderful. Colin has grown so much and is running all around. He is so playful and happy.

I was apprehensive about leaving, but felt this would be the only chance for a long while to get away for a few days and I was really needing the comfort of my friends. When we decided to move home, I was excited to rejuvenate the relationships with family and friends. It hasn't been exactly as I had thought in some areas. I have really made a new start with Lisa and feel so close to her again. She really is a constant and I know if I need to talk or just get out I can call her and she would be there.

But when we got to Myrtle Beach it was as if we hadn't been apart for months...that is how friendship should be and I am so blessed to have Leslie as that friend...that forever kinda friend. She and Burt both opened up their home to us and shared the holiday so openly with Colin...they make us feel like we are a part of their family. It was hard to leave.

Just had a bath...he is such a happy baby, and she is such a great happy mommy. Scott and I were laying in bed hearing Leslie come get Colin when he cried at night. We both shared the same thought, they are such great parents and we are so glad we have them to learn from. Colin is so smart, he loves to be read to and it was so neat to see him pick up Scott's book and flip the pages - not ripping one! Most children his age would just tear that book to shreds...but Leslie and Burt read to him all the time - he knows how to handle a book :) Ohh and ain't Leslie beautiful!!


Colin saying Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooopie :)

So funny watching him plop the eggs in the cups of color, he would laugh so hard every time.


This was just before we were leaving...but he was this happy all weekend, he has the cutest toothy grin!


We were watching Scott load the car and he got all serious ... sniffles... I miss him already!



Leslie had just gotten him out of his crib and I was doing something so she handed him to Scott and he hugged all up on him...Scott loves this little boy so much!


Just looks like him and his awesome blue eyes are up to something!!

Colin is so smart, he just talks all kind of words it seems and he is a little mocking bird. He loves to point at your eyes and say eyes...nose. And he knows where BOOBIES are haha. He bout showed us all Leslies :)

We went to our church, and it felt like home. We went to Sunday School and nothing had really changed, everyone was there pretty much. Then went down for the service and there was my choir...singing pretty dang good without me. There was Doug with his amazing voice causing a hush over the crowd as he sang. Lance and Jennifer sang a song that was so pretty. Then there came my pastor who I think is one of the best preachers I have ever heard. They had a baptism service after the regular service and then the Easter Parade...parade of children in their new Easter outfits...sooooo cute. Greg Thompson our youth leader has moved to a different church, his presence will be missed for a while I am sure. He is so charismatic and full of God that he grabs your attention. I hate I didn't get to see Julie, Doug's wife...she is so sweet and I miss her so much. She and I were choir buddies and we kept each other on track when we weren't laughing and cutting up. Leave it to me to sit by the choir directors wife...SHE got me in trouble all the time *wink*.

Easter is hard, just like any holiday that is family oriented. Many times I sat in silence letting the tears roll down my face hoping no one saw. I wonder if my day will ever come that I will get to dress my child for Easter. I want to make that Easter Basket and see their eyes light up when we dye eggs. *SIGH* same story different day huh? I betcha get tired of hearing me pout.

Scott did nurse a kidney infection or possible stone this weekend. So we tried a little of everything then was suggested to have him drink a beer...my husband...drinking a beer...HAHAHA I never seen it and never thought I would...but, here is the proof!
He was so grossed out and his eyes were glassy and red from one bear...he is such a light weight haha.

We did walk on the beach before we left for home, was over cast with a cold wind.

Us at the beach...Scott is so cheesey when he smiles haha

We stopped to eat at Planet Hollywood and had my fav...Capt'n Crunch chicken fingers...YUMMMMMY

The drive home was crazy. We got stuck at the railroad tracks, then we stop so Scott can potty and I was fine, but not more than 20 minutes down the road I had to peeeee like crazy. I made Scott swerve through two lanes of traffic to get off the first exit. We get back on and there had been a horrible accident on interstate that if we had not stopped to let me pee we woulda probably been in that wreck. God can even make a girl pee huh?

Mamma update

Yesterday, I went to the hospital and brought her home with me!

The pneumonia is too significant to go ahead with the heart surgery. So, for at least 2 weeks she is staying with me while she recoups from that. It was a great nights sleep knowing she was here and sleeping with Scott..(me not her :) )

She walked outside a bit yesterday and mostly has rested. Daddy is gone to get her clothes and books and such. I love having her here.

We are going to the beach this weekend and I know mom and dad will enjoy some alone time. We need a break from life here for a few days. The rain it pours thing is so true.

OK...this one is a short one in comparison!

She went and done it!

She has a broken heart.

Well, today in a cold dim room...I walked in to see my sweet little mom laying on this table with a movie playing above her head. A nurse was bearing down holding pressure on her groin. That was my first clue. Either this went really well or really bad. See, after a cath...if there is NOTHING wrong, they pull the sheath and hold pressure. If after the cath there is something a stent or angioplasty will help...they leave the catheter in and talk to the family then do the stent or angioplasty the same day. If after a cath there are major blockages that stents or angioplasty won't fix...they pull the catheter and hold pressure. So I knew..., but I knew :( I knew for months that something wasn't right. She wouldn't go to the doctors. She said it was just she was tired, or the atrial fib. But my mom never stops, she has stopped a lot the last few months.

I look down at her, and she started to talk and I stopped her. I said mom, I want the doctor to tell me. Then ... I made the mistake of looking up at the 'movie' playing. It was of the dye running through her heart. You could see major areas where blood was barely if at all going through the artery.

About that time, a little man...looked like Screech from .... dang it what was the tv show??? Anyways, he wasn't Dr. Hearon who we adore...but he was very nice and he said..."Well, the good news is her heart is strong, there is no sign of damage from a heart attack. The bad news is she has at the LEAST 4 major blockages that need to be fixed - OPEN HEART SURGERY!" I held my tears back and listened patiently. I had been in the room when Dr. Hearon had explained open heart and the necessity of it many times. This doctor was very brief and turned around and said the surgeon would come see us shortly. Scott, Daddy and I kissed mom and walked out and I kinda lost it in the hall. As Little John had put it so many years ago.."Maw Maw you look just like Wonder Woman!" She has been my wonder woman. When life is crazy she is like an old light house in the middle of stormy seas, she is my constant. I couldn't help but take a glimpse into the future without you...and I didn't like it. Sure...I was 50 pounds lighter *SMILES*, but no one prays for me like her. No one else is my mom. I know the natural thing is for parents to go before the children, but I am not ready for this at all.

She promised to spoil my children, why God haven't you let me have a child to learn from my mom, to hear her sing, to hear her pray and ohh God to feel her love.

I really think she will be fine and I am being overly dramatic and worried. She is one of those women that seem invincible.

I know what open heart is like. I have removed the staples from peoples chests where the doctor had carefully cut through the tissue to the breast bone - then using a saw...cuts through the bones of the chest. I have removed the stitches from their legs where the same surgeon removed veins from the leg to sew into the heart. Sometimes the legs are more troublesome than the chest.

She will do fine, she will come home and she will spoil my child.

I love her.

Mamma

She is sick. I am afraid she is really bad sick. She has pneumonia for one. That she is getting over pretty easily. I am worried about her heart. She has a stent, a few known small blockages and recently she was diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation. The doctor came in on Friday and said her symptoms sound more cardiac than the ER docs thought. Her chest pain is quickly eased with nitroglycerin. When they put the patch on she had relief all through the day. When it started to wear off, the chest pressure started back.

I am scared that this is more than a stent can handle. I don't know how to handle her having bypass if that is required. That is a tough surgery and she is just not up to herself right now. But, God knows how much she can handle...and my mom is tough. She has many praying for her and prayer is the best medicine. Wouldn't it be great if she has the cath on Monday and it comes back fine! That would be an answer to all of our prayers.

Johnny, my brother...he can be comic relief sometimes. He said that he hates it..and so does a lot of people...when mom is in the hospital. Not for reasons you might guess...but because my mom is the never ending cook. She feeds the whole crowd and anyone else that might be lurking around. I have never been in her house when there wasn't something cooking or already cooked. At the very least, and I love this meal...there is ALWAYS a pot of pintos on and corn bread fritters or a cake of corn bread's on the table in 10 minutes...just enough time to get your favorite jar of chow-chow opened and a big ole glass of milk poured. So Johnny said worse thing about mom being sick...we all gonna starve. We are gonna look like a bunch of Ethiopians running around! We all cracked up. I needed that laugh. I love him. Johnny is so busy all the time..he worries me. It can be hard to get in touch with him. BUT, if one of us are in trouble, sick, whatever and he gets wind of it...he is there. He loves his family, he has a never ending supply of forgiveness and love for all of us. I know when I need him, though I might can't find him right off he will be there.

Tommy is in his own hard time world. But if I needed him I know he would be there for me.

Todd...as different as him and Johnny are in ways...family is priority to Todd as well. I don't know how mom and dad would live without him. He has taken on the responsibility of caretaker for them. If something is going on, Todd will be down there in a flash to do what is needed. I know if I called him he would be there just as fast. He has a heart as big as the out doors. I love him, I don't tell them enough.

So if you read this...take a minute please and pray for my momma. My daddy too. He is worn out from driving 45 minutes each way to see her and he can't sleep without her. He just looks pitiful. Even though they fuss sometimes...they can't do without each other.

It took a lot for me to let her stay alone tonight. But, I have a headache and I think it is because I didn't use my crap mask (C PAP) last night. I didn't sleep good last night and hope I get a good nights rest so I can get up early and go in and give her a good bath and wash and dry her hair.

I love her.

Today...

Today marks another year...another year without hearing the piano playing, another year without someone pulling my hair and running, another year without his practical jokes, another year without...without Mark. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. I learned some things I didn't know today...Lisa told me that she was the one that called 911. The 911 operator made Lisa go up to where Mark laid and check for pulses. Lisa had to walk past the bay window and look out and see my daddy clinging to a pole outside, crying out...then walk up those stairs just getting to the door to the back porch and see my mother crying...vomiting from the grief. She then had to walk through the den, into my old bedroom and look at my brothers body laying there to check to see if he was alive. He wasn't, he was already cold. Then Lisa had to make that same walk in reverse back to the phone to tell the operator that he was not breathing, had no pulse and was cold. The operator said...we will send someone out but it will be a while since he is dead already. Lisa lost it, she yelled at the operator that Mark may be gone, but his parents are not doing well and if they didn't want to deal with a heart attack or one of them getting really sick they better send someone now. I don't know how long it took the EMS to get there, but they did. I never knew any of that, I can't bring myself to talk to my mom and dad about it. My mom prayed last night that God would let her dream about her baby boy during the still of the night. I don't know if she did. But, I can't imagine clinging to dreams to hold onto your youngest son. When I walked into Mom and Dads house today to get ready for the showers...I heard walking upstairs and assumed it was daddy. I yelled.."DADDYYYYY...I am here..." Then bout yelped when he said I am in here and walked out of the kitchen. I said I heard something upstairs just assumed it was you. He said no, it is the ghost...said it so matter of factly. I got a chill and just let it go.

I went by his grave today, I was so tired...had just left the hospital. But I sat there beside his grave and though I knew he knows about mom being sick...I just talked to him...closed my eyes and it took me a moment to get his face in my vision...but when I did, I just couldn't help but smile. He was so funny, he would probably cry though..he loved his mom - and Dad too. But he was a mommas boy. He would probably say that mom is too tough to let this get her down long and would be sitting in her hospital room flirting and joking with the nurses. People would remember and know him before they would mom...he just had that kind of personality.

Mark I love you, I hope you visited our mother last night in her dreams. I hope you gave her a hug and she felt it with every fiber in her body. I hope she could smell your hair and feel the softness of your skin under her lips...if only in a dream - it would bring her such joy.

Another shower...not for me

I am not having a pity party really, just I sat back at the baby shower today and wondered if I would ever have one of my own. Would I ever sit there opening the gifts that friends and relatives bought for my child. There wasn't many there really, but I told Scott I wouldn't care if no one had shown if it was my baby shower...just to know that I was having a child or already had one would be good enough for me. I couldn't help but tear up...you know me the queen of emotion.

I fed and burped Illan, he is getting so big. Of course he spit up on me again, he does every time...but I don't mind, I just take every second holding him as a blessing. He brought me out of a lonely place. That is a lot to lay on a little 10 pound baby...but it is true. First there was Colin, he was really the first baby I had held in probably the entire time Scott and I had been married. Gosh I love and miss him. Then...now there is Illan. The precious time I get with him...I close my minds eye and for a split second he is mine...this feeling is what I am supposed to feel as a woman. His tiny hand wrapped around my finger, his soft skin against my face. It takes my breath those feelings...but in that same breath...in that same split second, I let the breath out and back to reality..he isn't mine. I claim no one as 'mine'.

As we were cleaning up from the party, Randall (Illan's daddy) was telling me of a house in Valdese they are looking into. That does excite me as that is just up the road. Then they were packing to leave and I leaned in to kiss Illan and he smiled, the biggest smile ever (NO CAMERA DANG IT!) and it melted my entire being. They were talking about who was to carry what and I jokingly said you can just leave me the baby ... and in a baby-fied voice I looked at Illan and said forever and ever. Randall - just as jokingly, said that will be 400 dollars down and 100 dollars a week. Before I even could think, I said...sad part of that Randall...is I would pay that and more to have a child. The sadder part still is that to adopt an infant is really like buying a baby. Until I have started looking into this, I never realized how expensive this is going to be. Fostering to adopt is a little cheaper, but you really never know what you will get if you even are able to adopt the child that you foster parent. At least with straight - on adoption you set parameters and you pretty much get what you want..just maybe not in a timely manner. But the money...20-40 thousand dollars...YES I said THOUSAND, is how much we will have to beg steal or borrow to have a child. WHY? Why when there are babies that need me does it have to be so hard? Who is making this money? It obviously doesn't go to the child. I am angry at this system, but what does one do that feels there is a child that needs me and can't see letting the almighty dollar keep that child away from his or her mother.

Wow, sorry didn't even know all that was coming out. We are at a crossing point now. We are considering adopting an older child - 12+. We have real concerns after sitting down and talking about it. Children this old, their morals and values and thoughts are pretty much set, or being set. How would I tell a child that I can't take them to their Catholic church - because I am a baptist. Who am I to tell a child that something they believe is not what I believe, so they have to change. But, then I think...this child probably more than a 1 year old needs a loving home, consistency, reliable people to consider their parents. That child may only have 2 years before he or she is considered an adult and then will be sent out into a world with no one to call home to. No one to give them away at their wedding, no one to introduce to their child as Grandpa. No one to have a history with. I know that we would have separate histories up until a point, but history starts as early as an hour....a minute ago. Some shared history to a 16 year old is better than none.

So yeah...frustrated with the system is an understatement. I have to wonder what is so different from the illegality of buying a baby versus paying unspeakable amounts to lawyers and such to get one legally. SIGH.

So frustrated I went as far as looking into surrogacy. I was thinking well...other than the cost of IVF and FET what else could there be??? WRONG! That is just the beginning. Surrogacy costs from 50k and up. No joke! If it was me and I could carry a child for someone unable to - I would do it out of sheer empathy. But I guess that is why I would, because I have lived the infertile life, knows every pain that includes and wouldn't wish that on anyone. But most surrogates charge 20k plus. That is not including ANYTHING else, medical, lawyers, maternity clothes, all sorts of miscellaneous charges. Soo, that is out of the question. So there I am in the adoption arena again - one I think we will have to forge ahead with. Choices are limited now. Now...we are having to make a plan on how to come up with all the moneys required to do this. A friend suggested Adoption fund raisers, I just don't know how that would fly. I could see some of the fuddy duddies that are in our family saying "WHAT?". No one would understand, no one that I know really in my family has had issues getting pregnant. I don't know why I have been 'blessed' with this with no one in my family to share it with. Not that I wish any of them to have had to go through this....but you know the saying "Misery loves company". So I think the fund raiser idea is probably not an option as well.

I am really surprised at the length of this post, it really wasn't headed in this direction. Gonna finish this one, there are other things going on in my life that I wanna post about.

Spring has sprung :)

The sun is shining and there are a few white billowy clouds in the sky. There is a light breeze blowing and the bumble bees have went nuts I think. You can hear the birds singing and playing. There goes the neighbors dog, it barks at bugs I think :) Henry is perched up high on the shelf above the TV keeping from the heavy paws and sharp teeth of our loving Sandy...who is contently chewing on .... ooo something she shouldn't be! I didn't need that plastic cup anyways.

Life goes on, nothing that breaks my heart or makes me cry or takes my breath interrupts this ... this cycle of living. Even my own life. I still woke up this morning, still took my shower and brushed my teeth...even though I was heartbroken last night and at that moment in time it did feel like life had stopped...it hadn't. There was Scott getting ready for work and all those feelings from last night dulled by the light of a new day and the sight of my soul mate leaning in to kiss me good bye as he left for work...a trailing I love you as I heard the door shut. I am amazed every day that I have the love of this man. He continually picks me up, holds me tight and makes everything ok.

Yesterday started off great, we had planned a picnic at the falls and Mom, Dad, Tommy, Scott, Myself, Brad and Marquita, Cara, Randall and Illan, Misti, Brady and Lily came. Ohh don't forget Sandy...she was the life of the party. We eat and talk...then we all go down to the water. There were a lot of families there which always tugs at my heart...I want our child to be there playing too. But, there was my family playing and laughing...I caught it on the camera and here are some pictures.

Sandy...lovin her some water!

Marquita and Illan...aww she needs to get pregnant already they have been married 4 months now dang it!

Family pic with Misti, Lily and Brady

She has stolen Sandys ball and is shocked that Sandy wants it back!!

rare picture that I have...Brady and his baby girl Lily

My Poppy

Sandy just took a seat...a cool one :)

Cara and Illan...he wasn't crazy about the sun :)

Kita and Brad...they make an amazing couple!

Family pic of Cara, Illan and Randall

Group Cousin pic!

We were all about to come home and Cara asked if we would watch Illan and of course I said yes. He is 5 weeks old now and I couldn't wait to spend some time with him. We get home and I take him out of his carseat and lay him on the couch...sleepy lil boooger. Finally he got hungry so I made him a bottle and fed him, was so nice. I burped him and then he threw up...not just spit up...threw up all over me. Poor thing, he did that then filled his diaper. Sooo I cleaned him up, changed his diaper then asked Scott if he wanted to hold him...and a first...HE SAID YES!! So I handed him over to Scott and the baby was so sweet in his arms. I sat down and my eyes filled with tears....this is the first baby Scott had ever in his life held. He says it was because he didn't want to break them, but as soon as I saw the look on his face, the quiver in his lips as he looked down at Illan...I knew the real reason why. I could barely say anything and walked to clean my self and change shirts. As I was walking back I heard him talking to him, not baby talk...but couldn't understand what he was saying but when I walked back in...he was crying as hard as I was and I just sat down beside him and with few words we just enjoyed this moment in time, this moment of my sweet gentle husband holding a new life with the love of his life by him. If someone was looking in the window they would have thought it was a happy little family.

We haven't talked about it really, there wasn't much to say. My heart still is tight with the memories of him holding the baby. I felt/feel like a failure as a wife in not being able to give that to him. No one can understand this if they have had a child...and I know family really try to just find the right things to say...but there isn't anything...no words that can even take the edge off of this pain.

Adoption...revelation...

Today I was making a list of things that needed to be done before we could get the house inspected for our home inspection required by the state for those applying to be foster parents or adoptive parents.

The list is long, and after writing the list...I started on a letter to my family asking for help to expedite all the things we need to do. I have talented brothers who hopefully will be there for this dream of ours...and then there is Scott's dad and mom, both so smart with things. My dad is a jack of all trades.

Anyways...the revelation...I sat back and was praying and thinking of people I knew that was adopted. Not many really. But then...it hit me, the King of Kings, my Lord and Savior, my Jesus...was adopted. He was adopted by Joseph. If adoption is good enough for my Jesus, ohhh wow... Words have escaped me. Then...it hit me Scott is adopted as well. John, his dad...the man that loved him when he didn't have to adopted him just before we got married so we could legally be Lails! He had been in Scott's life since Scott was 4 or 5 and had called him dad for about that long as well.

I went on the NC adoption/foster website and you can look through the children. I wanted to take all of them home with me. I hate that we only have a 2 bedroom house...or we might have a house full.

I can't wait to share my family with a child. Look at them down there...they are the best and have so much to offer. Just think about all the music that will be in their lives, my brothers and parents and nephews are so talented...I can't wait to see what musical trait my child will have. All the fishing trips, trips to the beach, Christmas dinners...so much to share!

I did have this thought again today...all this time, I was thinking I needed a child...but...OUR child needs US!

Happy birthday Caleb!!!

Well, Caleb is 4...and what a sweeet 4 year old he is. His mom and dad threw his party at Hickory Dickory Dock . We get there and he has this lil look on his face...

was so funny... he was so happy when we came in.

I invited Little John and his 4 year old son Korey and they came. Chris and Little John have been friends a long time, just they don't see each other much. Korey head straight for the bumper cars :)
I haven't spent much time with him, but he has grown up so much. He can count to 100, THEN he counts to 10 in Spanish...he speaks really country too...so it was like uuuno, dose, trace...sooo cute. He had a great time I think...he said he did.




























It was so cute watching Chirsten and Caleb with their daddy...there is no doubt of the love they share. These pictures prove that!

He LOVEEESSSSS Cars the movie...so here was his cake:

He was so excited, and blushed and hid his face when we sang happy birthday. It was so cute.

































It was so cute, Chirsten had to help him blow out the candles.



I swear Chirsten looks drunk...guess we will have to talk about drinking and driving!! (The cup really has tokens in it)


Little John, Caleb, Chris, Korey and Chirsten...hmm wonder if she will like younger men :)


And within 5 minutes of being in the car...he is asleep...awwww. He is really such a sweetie!


Later that night...Scott and I met up with Cara and Randall and Illan and went bowling. We laughed so much, from the "LEVE IT HERE" sign to Caras ball barely rolling down the lane...to poor Randalls green ball getting stuck on his thumb. Illan was so good, he didn't puke on me one time! It was fun and I beat Scott TWICE! He beat me once. Cara won one as well. I hate that others that were invited didn't come... Pizza afterwards was great too.

fun with Chirsten and Caleb

We went to Scott's parents and there were Chirsten and Caleb. They are so much fun. I wish some days I had an ounce of their energy. Caleb is turning 4 this week and he is just soooo smart. It seems both of them walked and talked early, and Chirstens teachers are always talking about how smart Chirsten is, she is usually ahead of all of the other kids in her class. She gets her smarts from me HAHA.

The kids though, are going through a lot of things. In spite of all of the issues with their parents...and the mothering of the grandmother...they are good kids. They are well-behaved, smart, beautiful children. It scares me sometimes how they will be when they get older, they get everything and I do mean everything they ask for...and reality is not going to be like that.

They love Scott...I have never seen kids act like they do around him. Scott has always been scared around kids and now he just plays and acts like they are his own kinda and it is so heart warming to see it.

Speaking of energy....