*DMS...During Menstrual Syndrome
I have started to post several times. LET ME WARN YOU AHEAD OF TIME - I HAVE MY PERIOD...whoremoans are running wild through my system!
I can't get this girl out of my mind. I am calling the mother tomorrow to hopefully get her for the weekend.
*More common opinions given by others:
-You will get too attached and then she might leave.
-You don't know what kind of people they are.
-You don't want to get involved with this situation.
-Why not just call social services and let them take care of it.
-You have so much on your plate...are you sure you can handle this?
-She will break your heart.
I heard them, my head was spinning so fast after meeting her and hearing the things this little 4 year old girl had to say. From an hour after meeting her she was calling me mommy and the kids were her brothers and sisters.
After a while the mommy thing didn't startle me as much.
This little girl didn't know me, she didn't know the emotions I would feel having that coveted title replace my name.
I thought about what everyone had to say. Every morning I wake up and she is the first thing I think about. I wonder if she has breakfast, if she got to take a bath and put on pretty clothes. I may be obsessing but I don't think so.
My heart is open to her. I am not trying to be her mother. I am not trying to save her from this horrible family life...well, I guess sorta I am.
I just think that having the mind set that I would get attached, my heart will break is selfish. For me...not saying everyone would be, but for me...it would be selfish. What if God said...I can't send my Son to die for their sins because it will break My heart.
I don't think this will be a long term situation. This child has parents - granted one is in jail and the other ... well, I just don't feel right putting that out there. I feel she will be moving back to where her family lives. Even if I don't get to see her again - she has the memory of a great day with me and my family. Maybe she won't forget that.
So, despite some well meaning advice, I hope to get her Friday night through Sunday. I don't think she has ever been to church so I plan on taking her.
Pray for me - it will be hard.
My heart will probably break.
I know I will get attached.
I know that Scott will love her too.
I know the possibility of never seeing her again.
I know that someone loved me enough to take a chance.
I know that God has turned me every which way to show me this is the right thing to do.
I know that she will enjoy every thing she experiences with us.
I know that I want her to see the love of God through us.
I want her mom to know that I am not trying to take her child, just wanting to give her some love and nurturing she is not getting right now.
I know, without a shadow of doubt that God is wanting me to do this.
Pray for her and her baby sister and her older sister and the baby that the mother is carrying.
I am going to try to be more consistent in blogging. I have lost track since Italy has been in my life, she is with me quite a bit and when she is here...I can't take my eyes off of her. She is uber special to me.
I woke up this morning saw a news story about a local girl that was lost being found - I cried.
I watched part of a soap opera - I cried.
Stupid commercial came on - I cried.
My friend Leslie calls me and we hang up - I cried.
I went to her facebook page and saw the pictures of her, Burt and the boys - I cried.
Unfortunate for me, the last cry wasn't alone. Scott came in and thought someone had died or something. I couldn't even talk at that point. I miss them so much and I see what I am missing out on with the kids and they are growing up with out me. I miss my friend *GRRR CRYING AGAIN*. Scott hugged me asking me to tell him what was wrong - he was almost in tears thinking something horrible had happened. In that ugly crying voice I bellowed..."I HAVE MY PERIOD!" He had the kahunas to LAUGH at me. What was he thinking?
I had a long talk with my niece, I can't tell you how much it means that we are getting back to talking to each other and enjoying every minute. Yep...love her.
There are some things going on with Scott and I that has put our adoption plans off a little longer. When they kind of settle down I will tell more and we will hopefully get back on track. I called the social worker and told her I would call her next month to reschedule.
I have thought about the people I have met her a lot, I keep ya'll in my prayers and even if I am not here I am praying for you.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Thank you...and a request...
Thank you all for the encouragement - you are all the best!!
I will post more later...
I met this little girl...kind of random, my brother's van ran over her...she is more than ok in that aspect...Thank GOD the van straddled her and she got a bump and some hair on her head scraped off.
Last minute my brother asked me to take her swimming with the kids and I said yes - even though I was sure her mother...not knowing me from Eve probably wouldn't let her go. Without hesitating and with very little communication (a sentence at most) she sent me out the door with her 4 year old little girl. The mother is pregnant and has a 1 year old...she also has an older child but she is not with her.
I will post more about little Memphis when I feel more comfy about it. Just really pray for her and her mom and family. Pray for me .. that the Lord will give me answers and a clear path. My heart is breaking for her and I think I know what to do and then I don't.
This is her...the picture doesn't do her justice.
I will post more later...
I met this little girl...kind of random, my brother's van ran over her...she is more than ok in that aspect...Thank GOD the van straddled her and she got a bump and some hair on her head scraped off.
Last minute my brother asked me to take her swimming with the kids and I said yes - even though I was sure her mother...not knowing me from Eve probably wouldn't let her go. Without hesitating and with very little communication (a sentence at most) she sent me out the door with her 4 year old little girl. The mother is pregnant and has a 1 year old...she also has an older child but she is not with her.
I will post more about little Memphis when I feel more comfy about it. Just really pray for her and her mom and family. Pray for me .. that the Lord will give me answers and a clear path. My heart is breaking for her and I think I know what to do and then I don't.
This is her...the picture doesn't do her justice.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Bam
The weekend was a long one. We were coerced into staying Friday night as well with the in laws. Caleb and Chirsten were staying and all Caleb had to do was say...Uncle Scooooooter *smiles*
When the highs come they are so great, dulls the memory of the low times. Scott and I are so full when we have the kids with us, for the last month or so we have barely had a day without someone being with us.
Last night the low came - I guess a low, we sat alone in our car. No car seats. No singing. No laughing. No are we there yets. No fighting. Silence.
We had just left my moms and were about 10 minutes from home. I don't even remember what Scott said to trigger it but the flood came.
Nothing could stop it.
He apologized for saying something about our lack of children, expressing how sad it makes him as well and POW right in the kisser!
He said I am sorry for making you think about it.
Tears streaming, we passed a sign for the fair. We passed a huge tree. We passed an ice cream shop. We passed a car place that had old hot rods.
Everything triggers a thought. I won't be taking our child to the fair, won't be putting up a tire swing anytime soon in a big tree, no sharing a triple decker ice cream and no sharing Scott's love of old cars with our child. I truly believe it is coming - if I didn't I don't think I could function really.
False hope? This is one time where I think any hope is better than none.
I told him not to be sorry, I don't think there is an hour in the day that something doesn't remind me I am Hope, wife, sister, daughter, friend, aunt...not a mom. He talked about having Caleb and how he just hung on everything Scott had to say. He wanted to know how to play this video game and he sat up on Scott's lap and unlike most kids...watched and drank it in while Scott actually played the game and describing the how to's. UGH
The most random things open those thoughts up.
We sat in the car for about 20 minutes after getting home talking about it. He doesn't say how he feels about it much, but he let it all out last night. He cried, he talked about it and I realized he thinks about it as much as me...he is just a little more manly and doesn't let it get to him I guess.
The last thing he said is that he thought about how if we had a baby when we first started trying they would possible be graduated from high school. They would possibly go to the college he works at. They would be so proud to have him as a father.
What ifs suck!
What if we had a child when we started?
Would we have moved around so much?
Would we have been healthier?
Would I have had all my problems if I had a child that kept me active and healthy?
Would we have moved to Myrtle Beach? *the thought of never meeting Leslie makes me cringe!*
WHAT IF!?!?!
But, we are here.
We are madly in love, have crazy but great families, beautiful friends and have finally became thankful for the babies in our life. We can't get enough of them. We are seeking His will. We are just us, but praying for a bigger us. We are trusting in His plan. As painful as the waiting is, as heart wrenching it is to give back the kids, as hard as it is to sit in an empty house...we are trusting in Him. Even though we shed tears and cry out that we don't understand...we are at His feet feeling His hands on our head comforting us saying I love you, I have a plan, trust in Me.
What is your biggest trigger to make you remember the emptiness?
When the highs come they are so great, dulls the memory of the low times. Scott and I are so full when we have the kids with us, for the last month or so we have barely had a day without someone being with us.
Last night the low came - I guess a low, we sat alone in our car. No car seats. No singing. No laughing. No are we there yets. No fighting. Silence.
We had just left my moms and were about 10 minutes from home. I don't even remember what Scott said to trigger it but the flood came.
Nothing could stop it.
He apologized for saying something about our lack of children, expressing how sad it makes him as well and POW right in the kisser!
He said I am sorry for making you think about it.
Tears streaming, we passed a sign for the fair. We passed a huge tree. We passed an ice cream shop. We passed a car place that had old hot rods.
Everything triggers a thought. I won't be taking our child to the fair, won't be putting up a tire swing anytime soon in a big tree, no sharing a triple decker ice cream and no sharing Scott's love of old cars with our child. I truly believe it is coming - if I didn't I don't think I could function really.
False hope? This is one time where I think any hope is better than none.
I told him not to be sorry, I don't think there is an hour in the day that something doesn't remind me I am Hope, wife, sister, daughter, friend, aunt...not a mom. He talked about having Caleb and how he just hung on everything Scott had to say. He wanted to know how to play this video game and he sat up on Scott's lap and unlike most kids...watched and drank it in while Scott actually played the game and describing the how to's. UGH
The most random things open those thoughts up.
We sat in the car for about 20 minutes after getting home talking about it. He doesn't say how he feels about it much, but he let it all out last night. He cried, he talked about it and I realized he thinks about it as much as me...he is just a little more manly and doesn't let it get to him I guess.
The last thing he said is that he thought about how if we had a baby when we first started trying they would possible be graduated from high school. They would possibly go to the college he works at. They would be so proud to have him as a father.
What ifs suck!
What if we had a child when we started?
Would we have moved around so much?
Would we have been healthier?
Would I have had all my problems if I had a child that kept me active and healthy?
Would we have moved to Myrtle Beach? *the thought of never meeting Leslie makes me cringe!*
WHAT IF!?!?!
But, we are here.
We are madly in love, have crazy but great families, beautiful friends and have finally became thankful for the babies in our life. We can't get enough of them. We are seeking His will. We are just us, but praying for a bigger us. We are trusting in His plan. As painful as the waiting is, as heart wrenching it is to give back the kids, as hard as it is to sit in an empty house...we are trusting in Him. Even though we shed tears and cry out that we don't understand...we are at His feet feeling His hands on our head comforting us saying I love you, I have a plan, trust in Me.
What is your biggest trigger to make you remember the emptiness?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
So much to say ... so little time
I have got multiple posts to post, just can't fit it all in today.
Still need to post about our trip to the orphanage my mother grew up in.
Need to post about Friday night at the Waldensian Festival in Valdese. If you know what beach music is, shagging (the dance not the act :p)...my brother got the Tams there to play...was AWESOME!
Need to post about some other things too...
BUT, I have pulled a muscle in my shoulder (assuming that is what it is) and it hurts like crazy. Been doing ice and heat and it is easing up some.
I will post a little about today since it is fresh in my mind and there are no pictures to add to it.
I had Italy today, aww. But, I really wasn't sure how I would do with this stupid (insert your favorite explicative here)shoulder! Misti came over and helped a lot, she fixed lunch and while Lily and I did a scrapbook she cared for Italy. At one point Misti had them both in her arms bouncing lightly on a big exercise ball and put them right to sleep.
Shortly after Misti got here it was all I could do to hold back one of those ugly, nose running, face exploding, loud...did I mention ugly cries. When she had Lily I had thought I would have been pregnant around that time too. I pictured her and I taking them on walks, changing diapers and feeding them...laughing when one of our children burped or tooted. But here we sat on separate couches changing diapers, her with her beautiful children and me with another child that isn't mine. I think the pain of not having a child is gone sometimes but maybe it really isn't.
Ok, just had that ugly cry.
SIGH
I can close my eyes and see me with Lily and Italy and Simon...God I will make a great mom I promise, let me prove it to you please....ugly cry continued.
The shoulder is why I haven't been on really and it is crazy how much I think about fellow bloggers and things I want to say when I can't get on really. Typing one handed has taken about an hour to type this much.
We are going to my mother in laws tomorrow for the night - canasta night with the ladies from her church.
love to you all
Still need to post about our trip to the orphanage my mother grew up in.
Need to post about Friday night at the Waldensian Festival in Valdese. If you know what beach music is, shagging (the dance not the act :p)...my brother got the Tams there to play...was AWESOME!
Need to post about some other things too...
BUT, I have pulled a muscle in my shoulder (assuming that is what it is) and it hurts like crazy. Been doing ice and heat and it is easing up some.
I will post a little about today since it is fresh in my mind and there are no pictures to add to it.
I had Italy today, aww. But, I really wasn't sure how I would do with this stupid (insert your favorite explicative here)shoulder! Misti came over and helped a lot, she fixed lunch and while Lily and I did a scrapbook she cared for Italy. At one point Misti had them both in her arms bouncing lightly on a big exercise ball and put them right to sleep.
Shortly after Misti got here it was all I could do to hold back one of those ugly, nose running, face exploding, loud...did I mention ugly cries. When she had Lily I had thought I would have been pregnant around that time too. I pictured her and I taking them on walks, changing diapers and feeding them...laughing when one of our children burped or tooted. But here we sat on separate couches changing diapers, her with her beautiful children and me with another child that isn't mine. I think the pain of not having a child is gone sometimes but maybe it really isn't.
Ok, just had that ugly cry.
SIGH
I can close my eyes and see me with Lily and Italy and Simon...God I will make a great mom I promise, let me prove it to you please....ugly cry continued.
The shoulder is why I haven't been on really and it is crazy how much I think about fellow bloggers and things I want to say when I can't get on really. Typing one handed has taken about an hour to type this much.
We are going to my mother in laws tomorrow for the night - canasta night with the ladies from her church.
love to you all
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
I am still alive...I think :)
What a weekend!
Sunday morning we got up, got dressed with all intentions of going to church...we got in the car about half way there and I realized the clock said 11:23 and we were still about 10 minutes away. So I decided that we would not go into the service and interrupt everything...so we all went back home and got out of our church clothes and put our picnic/swimming clothes on. We stopped at mom and dads and picked up Lisa, Corey and Shay and Cara and Brad along with their families created a caravan to the lake.
It was so fun listening to the conversations between the kids. Corey and Caleb had met before but it had been a long time ago. Chirsten and Shay just met and got along really well. Chirsten is 7 1/2 and Shay is 8.
They all were so much fun, wanting to know how many minutes til we get there, how much should they count...I immediately thought of that movie - are we there yet haha.
Scott was a champ. When we got there and finished our picnic lunch he got in the water and stayed there the whole time with the kids. He tossed and swam with them all. He was the diving board, the holder of goggles, the retriever of water balls, my eagle eye...he was awesome. He enjoyed them so much.
Brad and Caleb became quick friends, they were inseparable most of the time.
The babies were so cute, Ida slept most of the time but Italy did get her toes in the water. Illan was a little apprehensive but I think he finally decided he liked it. All of the kids listened to us, behaved so well...It really was a stress free outing.
We get home and the girls take a bath and we all make our own pizzas and made super chunky chocolate chip cookies. They had a blast.
Corey is such a sweet kid, he is super competitive...when playing the x-box if he was losing he wanted to change games haha. He has these amazing blue eyes and a wild imagination. He has an endless supply of energy too. He gave me hugs which I LOVED! I loved having time with him and hope to get to spend more time with him soon. I felt so sad for Little John though, he said I was the first family member to want to take Corey for the day and Corey is 5 now. I had to apologize to him for my distance as well, explaining how raw the feelings and emotions are when you can't have a child. It is amazing how the decision to adopt has started to heal those.
Shay is Little John's girlfriends daughter. She is 8 and a talker! At first she said she didn't want to spend the night with us, she had only met me once before. I told her she could make her mind up after we went swimming. While we were out in the water together she swam up to me and said...well, I have been thinking and I think I do want to spend the night with ya'll. *SMILES* She was a great kid, her and Chirsten helped me with the baby a lot. She is a cutie pie too!
Caleb, oh what to say about him. He is such a sweetie. He says the cutest things and has an infectious laugh. He came in to the bedroom the first night and said...You know, uncle Scooter isn't fat..he just has a big belly...haha. He slept between Scott and I and he would put his hand on my face so softly just touching it. Then he would sit up and lean against one of us and just drift off to sleep. He is so well behaved and played so good with all of the other kids. Every once in a while he would run to find me and hug me telling me he loved me and then once he said he wanted to make sure I was ok and that I knew he wanted to spend time with me too...just the kids were so much fun haha. He took up with Bradly right off too, I am glad. I could just eat him with a spoon!
Chirsten is that sweet little girl that wants to help do everything. She helped so much with Italy and helped keep the kiddos in line. She wanted to love on the cats so much and they just were not having much to do with it. She has such an imagination and is super smart. She is becoming independent, I miss those days when she needed help to do this or that. She loves Scott so much, she wanted to sleep with me so Caleb was sleeping with Scott. Well, when he got tired he wanted to snuggle with me...aww. Then Chirsten didn't want Scott to sleep alone so she slept in the big chair beside our bed so Scott could sleep with us. She has a super big heart. She loves her brother so much too, she is protective of him. Though Chirsten did buy slime...and it is on everything in my living room ... accidents happen! She was so scared she was going to be in bad trouble...but looking at her with that toothy grin, I couldn't be mad at her!
Italy was awesome as usual...gosh that baby is too precious!
Monday evening came and it was time to let the kids go home. Brad took Shay to her dad's and we had the rest in our car. He also took Italy home which made me sad of course, but I had to hold it together for the rest of the kids! We took Corey to his dad and Little John and Tamara were both so sweet and thankful for spending time with their kids.
Then we headed to take Chirsten and Caleb home :(. We get half way there and Caleb had to pee...and when he has to pee you better stop cuz you got about 2 minutes before there is trouble! Scott pulled over on interstate and let him pee...was funny. I made a little video of them as we were going home. They are so cute...
Then we went to John's work to let the kids give him so loving...plus we had him some apple cobbler. I told them to hide in the back seat (third row) and we would have PawPaw John open up the back telling him that what we brought him was in the back. Chirsten said..."We might give him a heart attack!" I told her nooo, he would love it. She then said..."But he is old-old!" HAHA I took that video too...
Caleb was crying when we took him home, he said he wanted to go back home with us but his daddy wanted to spend the day with them today so they couldn't. I think he wanted to go to his pawpaws too. It broke our hearts to leave him, but we knew we had to. Scott and I got in the car and both of us broke down, hugged and cried how much we loved them and that we want to spend more time with them. We wish they were ours...they are such great kids.
Today I slept until 10, woke up and ate breakfast took my meds then fell asleep in the chair! I got back in bed and slept until 5:30!!! I had a lot of pain but I would do it over and over to spend time with all of them. It was hard to come home and the silence was deafening. I loved the sound of running, yelling and playing floating through our house. It felt right, it felt normal...it felt wonderful.
I am tired, sore, broke (who knew 5 kids would cost so much!), have a messy house, empty frig, finger prints on everything, cheerios EVERYWHERE, pair of kids shorts, one kid sock and a bottle.
I am all of that and more...but I would do it all over again, anytime. It was an amazing time.
Thanks for your prayers...I know you prayed for me, I made it through it all!! WOO HOO!
Here are pictures to the lake...enjoy! I decided to post them to another blog so if you don't want to see pictures you don't have to see them :)
Sunday morning we got up, got dressed with all intentions of going to church...we got in the car about half way there and I realized the clock said 11:23 and we were still about 10 minutes away. So I decided that we would not go into the service and interrupt everything...so we all went back home and got out of our church clothes and put our picnic/swimming clothes on. We stopped at mom and dads and picked up Lisa, Corey and Shay and Cara and Brad along with their families created a caravan to the lake.
It was so fun listening to the conversations between the kids. Corey and Caleb had met before but it had been a long time ago. Chirsten and Shay just met and got along really well. Chirsten is 7 1/2 and Shay is 8.
They all were so much fun, wanting to know how many minutes til we get there, how much should they count...I immediately thought of that movie - are we there yet haha.
Scott was a champ. When we got there and finished our picnic lunch he got in the water and stayed there the whole time with the kids. He tossed and swam with them all. He was the diving board, the holder of goggles, the retriever of water balls, my eagle eye...he was awesome. He enjoyed them so much.
Brad and Caleb became quick friends, they were inseparable most of the time.
The babies were so cute, Ida slept most of the time but Italy did get her toes in the water. Illan was a little apprehensive but I think he finally decided he liked it. All of the kids listened to us, behaved so well...It really was a stress free outing.
We get home and the girls take a bath and we all make our own pizzas and made super chunky chocolate chip cookies. They had a blast.
Corey is such a sweet kid, he is super competitive...when playing the x-box if he was losing he wanted to change games haha. He has these amazing blue eyes and a wild imagination. He has an endless supply of energy too. He gave me hugs which I LOVED! I loved having time with him and hope to get to spend more time with him soon. I felt so sad for Little John though, he said I was the first family member to want to take Corey for the day and Corey is 5 now. I had to apologize to him for my distance as well, explaining how raw the feelings and emotions are when you can't have a child. It is amazing how the decision to adopt has started to heal those.
Shay is Little John's girlfriends daughter. She is 8 and a talker! At first she said she didn't want to spend the night with us, she had only met me once before. I told her she could make her mind up after we went swimming. While we were out in the water together she swam up to me and said...well, I have been thinking and I think I do want to spend the night with ya'll. *SMILES* She was a great kid, her and Chirsten helped me with the baby a lot. She is a cutie pie too!
Caleb, oh what to say about him. He is such a sweetie. He says the cutest things and has an infectious laugh. He came in to the bedroom the first night and said...You know, uncle Scooter isn't fat..he just has a big belly...haha. He slept between Scott and I and he would put his hand on my face so softly just touching it. Then he would sit up and lean against one of us and just drift off to sleep. He is so well behaved and played so good with all of the other kids. Every once in a while he would run to find me and hug me telling me he loved me and then once he said he wanted to make sure I was ok and that I knew he wanted to spend time with me too...just the kids were so much fun haha. He took up with Bradly right off too, I am glad. I could just eat him with a spoon!
Chirsten is that sweet little girl that wants to help do everything. She helped so much with Italy and helped keep the kiddos in line. She wanted to love on the cats so much and they just were not having much to do with it. She has such an imagination and is super smart. She is becoming independent, I miss those days when she needed help to do this or that. She loves Scott so much, she wanted to sleep with me so Caleb was sleeping with Scott. Well, when he got tired he wanted to snuggle with me...aww. Then Chirsten didn't want Scott to sleep alone so she slept in the big chair beside our bed so Scott could sleep with us. She has a super big heart. She loves her brother so much too, she is protective of him. Though Chirsten did buy slime...and it is on everything in my living room ... accidents happen! She was so scared she was going to be in bad trouble...but looking at her with that toothy grin, I couldn't be mad at her!
Italy was awesome as usual...gosh that baby is too precious!
Monday evening came and it was time to let the kids go home. Brad took Shay to her dad's and we had the rest in our car. He also took Italy home which made me sad of course, but I had to hold it together for the rest of the kids! We took Corey to his dad and Little John and Tamara were both so sweet and thankful for spending time with their kids.
Then we headed to take Chirsten and Caleb home :(. We get half way there and Caleb had to pee...and when he has to pee you better stop cuz you got about 2 minutes before there is trouble! Scott pulled over on interstate and let him pee...was funny. I made a little video of them as we were going home. They are so cute...
Then we went to John's work to let the kids give him so loving...plus we had him some apple cobbler. I told them to hide in the back seat (third row) and we would have PawPaw John open up the back telling him that what we brought him was in the back. Chirsten said..."We might give him a heart attack!" I told her nooo, he would love it. She then said..."But he is old-old!" HAHA I took that video too...
Caleb was crying when we took him home, he said he wanted to go back home with us but his daddy wanted to spend the day with them today so they couldn't. I think he wanted to go to his pawpaws too. It broke our hearts to leave him, but we knew we had to. Scott and I got in the car and both of us broke down, hugged and cried how much we loved them and that we want to spend more time with them. We wish they were ours...they are such great kids.
Today I slept until 10, woke up and ate breakfast took my meds then fell asleep in the chair! I got back in bed and slept until 5:30!!! I had a lot of pain but I would do it over and over to spend time with all of them. It was hard to come home and the silence was deafening. I loved the sound of running, yelling and playing floating through our house. It felt right, it felt normal...it felt wonderful.
I am tired, sore, broke (who knew 5 kids would cost so much!), have a messy house, empty frig, finger prints on everything, cheerios EVERYWHERE, pair of kids shorts, one kid sock and a bottle.
I am all of that and more...but I would do it all over again, anytime. It was an amazing time.
Thanks for your prayers...I know you prayed for me, I made it through it all!! WOO HOO!
Here are pictures to the lake...enjoy! I decided to post them to another blog so if you don't want to see pictures you don't have to see them :)
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Say a lil prayer for me...
Ok, if you guys don't hear from me by Tuesday morning...you might wanna send a search party, or you can call the local mental Hospital - Broughton in Morganton - I will be there.
Why? So glad you asked.
Well, for the last two weeks I have been trying to plan a weekend with Chirsten and Caleb before school gets started. I also wanted to have a play date with Chirsten and Lily. Things went this way and that and finally we all had some firm plans.
Today after taking mom to the orphanage she grew up in, we came home and headed to get the munchkins. I called and Chirsten answered. She asked with much anxiety...Hopie...when are you comin to get me!? *heart melted*
I told her I was on my way.
*insert first witty comment from her* I am so glad you are coming soon, pawpaw has been grumpy all day and has been a butthead! We did have a lil talk about saying butthead on the way home.
So we get there and after a little snafu with the booster seats we finally got on the way home about 8. We went to Wal-Mart to get some foods and a 'toy'.
Chirsten and I were walking and she looked up at me and said...My uvula is itching! And she proceeded to cough....pointing at her throat! When did six year olds start knowing where their uvulas were???
We bought fruit and fruit and oh fruit! They both chose reasonable toys and we head home. Scott tooted in the car and they called him tooter scooter all the way home :)
Soon as they get here it is 999 miles an hour after the cats - who wanted nothing to do with them at first...but they are coming around.
So you maybe wondering why I am concerned for my mental and physical situation this weekend. These two kids are fun and sweet...no big deal. Anyone can handle two kids.
This is where it gets a little crazy.
I called my nephew Little John (not so little...30 years old) and asked if we could have Corey on Sunday until Monday. And then we asked if we could have his girlfriends little girl too since Chirsten and her are about the same age. Ok...4 kids...twice the fun ... it will be ok huh. Umm well, Sunday night I also get Italy for the night.
EEEK Yeah...going from barely babysitting one child to having 5 at one time??? What was I thinking???
Thinking, I wish had been doing this all the time and not letting my heart hurt.
So in the morning we are getting up and going to church. Then afterwards we are going to get come picnic fixings and head for the lake with Lisa, Cara, Randall, Illan, Ida Hope, Brad, Marquita, Italy, Little John, Tamara, Corey, Tarmara's daughter, Scott, Me, Chirsten and Caleb....hmm I am glad I typed that out...I dont' think one bucket of chicken is gonna get it!!
After the lake those that are going to be with us are coming back here and chilling out. Then we are making pizzas...I am rolling out the dough and having bowls of fixins and letting them do their own. Then the boys are going to play x-box and hang out in the den while the girls and I are going to do a makeup/hair thing and be princesses for the night. I think we might do a facial mask thing too. One of my favorite memories with Misti was putting on one of those masks and talking and laughing laying on the bed under the ceiling fan. We fell asleep and the mask like super dried to our skins...was so funny. So we will try that without the drying under the fan.
Monday after Scott goes to work - me and the five kids are going to the park for a little play time then to my moms. When we get there I bought some water balloons...ok 100 balloons! We are going to have a water balloon fight. I also bought a slip and slide...one of the double ones...so they will get to play with that too.
Then Monday evening, Misti and Lily, Simon and Brady are coming over and Lily and Chirsten and I are going to do a scrapbook for Misti and for my mom too.
Then at some point we will be taking the kiddos home, returning Italy to Brad and Marquita and come back to our empty home.
sigh
I finished Simon's blanket...will take a picture of it...turned out super cute.
I want to keep them all.
Scott just came in here with red eyes, Caleb wants to sleep with him. I was so sure that he would want to sleep with me and Chirsten. I am glad though he wants his uncle Scooter. While at Wal-Mart Scott and I held hands watching them sort through the toys. He whispered - this is what it will be like when we have our kids. I have never heard him say anything more than one but a couple times. It worried me that he may only want one. We talked about when we adopt our first child we want to go almost immediately through the process again for a second child.
*watching Meet the Robinsons. It got to the part where the peanut butter and jelly went all over the prospective parents. They left and on the way out they said "he is not the kind of child we want." Scott pouted his lip and said that is the kind of kid I want. 1. He LOVES PB and J. 2. He loves anything science. 3. He gets to ride in a space ship and Scott loves all things space as well.
If you have never seen this movie...watch it, even though it is a cartoon it does evoke lots of feelings and emotions.
Ok, got to go to bed...I don't know if we will sleep for the next two days!
I will post pics and details about the visit to the orphanage and the reunion of fellow homeless children.
Have a blessed weekend....pray for me! *smiles*
Why? So glad you asked.
Well, for the last two weeks I have been trying to plan a weekend with Chirsten and Caleb before school gets started. I also wanted to have a play date with Chirsten and Lily. Things went this way and that and finally we all had some firm plans.
Today after taking mom to the orphanage she grew up in, we came home and headed to get the munchkins. I called and Chirsten answered. She asked with much anxiety...Hopie...when are you comin to get me!? *heart melted*
I told her I was on my way.
*insert first witty comment from her* I am so glad you are coming soon, pawpaw has been grumpy all day and has been a butthead! We did have a lil talk about saying butthead on the way home.
So we get there and after a little snafu with the booster seats we finally got on the way home about 8. We went to Wal-Mart to get some foods and a 'toy'.
Chirsten and I were walking and she looked up at me and said...My uvula is itching! And she proceeded to cough....pointing at her throat! When did six year olds start knowing where their uvulas were???
We bought fruit and fruit and oh fruit! They both chose reasonable toys and we head home. Scott tooted in the car and they called him tooter scooter all the way home :)
Soon as they get here it is 999 miles an hour after the cats - who wanted nothing to do with them at first...but they are coming around.
So you maybe wondering why I am concerned for my mental and physical situation this weekend. These two kids are fun and sweet...no big deal. Anyone can handle two kids.
This is where it gets a little crazy.
I called my nephew Little John (not so little...30 years old) and asked if we could have Corey on Sunday until Monday. And then we asked if we could have his girlfriends little girl too since Chirsten and her are about the same age. Ok...4 kids...twice the fun ... it will be ok huh. Umm well, Sunday night I also get Italy for the night.
EEEK Yeah...going from barely babysitting one child to having 5 at one time??? What was I thinking???
Thinking, I wish had been doing this all the time and not letting my heart hurt.
So in the morning we are getting up and going to church. Then afterwards we are going to get come picnic fixings and head for the lake with Lisa, Cara, Randall, Illan, Ida Hope, Brad, Marquita, Italy, Little John, Tamara, Corey, Tarmara's daughter, Scott, Me, Chirsten and Caleb....hmm I am glad I typed that out...I dont' think one bucket of chicken is gonna get it!!
After the lake those that are going to be with us are coming back here and chilling out. Then we are making pizzas...I am rolling out the dough and having bowls of fixins and letting them do their own. Then the boys are going to play x-box and hang out in the den while the girls and I are going to do a makeup/hair thing and be princesses for the night. I think we might do a facial mask thing too. One of my favorite memories with Misti was putting on one of those masks and talking and laughing laying on the bed under the ceiling fan. We fell asleep and the mask like super dried to our skins...was so funny. So we will try that without the drying under the fan.
Monday after Scott goes to work - me and the five kids are going to the park for a little play time then to my moms. When we get there I bought some water balloons...ok 100 balloons! We are going to have a water balloon fight. I also bought a slip and slide...one of the double ones...so they will get to play with that too.
Then Monday evening, Misti and Lily, Simon and Brady are coming over and Lily and Chirsten and I are going to do a scrapbook for Misti and for my mom too.
Then at some point we will be taking the kiddos home, returning Italy to Brad and Marquita and come back to our empty home.
sigh
I finished Simon's blanket...will take a picture of it...turned out super cute.
I want to keep them all.
Scott just came in here with red eyes, Caleb wants to sleep with him. I was so sure that he would want to sleep with me and Chirsten. I am glad though he wants his uncle Scooter. While at Wal-Mart Scott and I held hands watching them sort through the toys. He whispered - this is what it will be like when we have our kids. I have never heard him say anything more than one but a couple times. It worried me that he may only want one. We talked about when we adopt our first child we want to go almost immediately through the process again for a second child.
*watching Meet the Robinsons. It got to the part where the peanut butter and jelly went all over the prospective parents. They left and on the way out they said "he is not the kind of child we want." Scott pouted his lip and said that is the kind of kid I want. 1. He LOVES PB and J. 2. He loves anything science. 3. He gets to ride in a space ship and Scott loves all things space as well.
If you have never seen this movie...watch it, even though it is a cartoon it does evoke lots of feelings and emotions.
Ok, got to go to bed...I don't know if we will sleep for the next two days!
I will post pics and details about the visit to the orphanage and the reunion of fellow homeless children.
Have a blessed weekend....pray for me! *smiles*
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Wednesday?? where did Monday go???
Sheeesh.
I am feeling a lot better today. I umm...*blush* think the exacerbation of my back pain was due to umm... severe constipation! I am an every day kinda girl and it was almost 8 days...so yeah, that would make anyone's back hurt.
My mother spent many years in an orphanage. The alumni get together once a year and they are having this 'reunion' this weekend. She is excited to show me where she spent a good part of her childhood, her and her brothers. She wants me to see the friends she had there and a few she still is in contact with.
I also have a play date planned with little miss Lily :) We are going to scrap book the pictures we took at the babybonanza. I have been gathering some stickers and paper and such so she should have fun. I hope to get some finger paints to maybe do a hand print or two for her mommy and grandmommys. I plan on getting Chirsten and Caleb too, they are more crafty than me sometimes...and I am not kidding. Chirsten can knit and she has been for about a year or so. She isn't super fast but she can cast on and do a scarf - knitting all of the stitches. She has tiny hands - she is only 6.
I need to call Brad because starting Monday I am supposed to be babysitting Italy YAY! I haven't seen her all week and am having withdrawels...haha.
I am really jonesing for some Huggins time too...can't help but get all teary eyed just thinking about how much I miss them...how could I not!? Look at them...
I am feeling a lot better today. I umm...*blush* think the exacerbation of my back pain was due to umm... severe constipation! I am an every day kinda girl and it was almost 8 days...so yeah, that would make anyone's back hurt.
My mother spent many years in an orphanage. The alumni get together once a year and they are having this 'reunion' this weekend. She is excited to show me where she spent a good part of her childhood, her and her brothers. She wants me to see the friends she had there and a few she still is in contact with.
I also have a play date planned with little miss Lily :) We are going to scrap book the pictures we took at the babybonanza. I have been gathering some stickers and paper and such so she should have fun. I hope to get some finger paints to maybe do a hand print or two for her mommy and grandmommys. I plan on getting Chirsten and Caleb too, they are more crafty than me sometimes...and I am not kidding. Chirsten can knit and she has been for about a year or so. She isn't super fast but she can cast on and do a scarf - knitting all of the stitches. She has tiny hands - she is only 6.
I need to call Brad because starting Monday I am supposed to be babysitting Italy YAY! I haven't seen her all week and am having withdrawels...haha.
I am really jonesing for some Huggins time too...can't help but get all teary eyed just thinking about how much I miss them...how could I not!? Look at them...
Sunday, July 27, 2008
They took me to prison!
Ok, I am out now...and I wasn't 'in' jail really - just visiting.
I know I have told ya'll that my dad and mom have a service there monthly and my dad goes weekly for a Bible study. Well, my dad has been bugging me constantly to go sing and today I did.
I sung But the blood says you can...and of course Child of God.
You may have wandered
From the path you were on
Found yourself lonely and lost
A long way from home
The guilt deep inside says
That you've gone too far this time
That you can't be forgiven
And there's no need to try - but
(chorus)
The blood says you can
Put the past on behind
Your sin will be covered
And your pardon signed
Satan tells you it's hopeless
And that you can't go back home again
But the Father is waiting with arms open wide
The blood says you can
We've all made our choices
That became our mistakes
And stood in the ashes, the bridges we've burned
The pain and heartaches
But the blood of Jesus
Does what nothing else can do
There's a place called forgiveness
And there's room there for you - 'cause
(repeat chorus)
(bridge)
When you're reminded of mistakes that you've made
Just remember the price has been paid - and
It was strange, I only practiced Child of God 'cause that is what daddy wanted me to sing. But I actually dreamed about this song last night. I woke up to find the CD and it wasn't in my box. I went to feed the fish and there it was laying on the couch!
There were tears and raised hands. I have never been a part of a prison ministry but it really touched my heart. There were probably 30 there. It is the part of the prison that is minimum security, so people are just walking around. As they came in they hugged my dad and mom and told them how much they are a blessing to them...it was so awesome to see how they respond to my sweet parents.
I almost cried through the whole service...mostly because something has happened in my back and I can't sit or stand without intense pain...grr. I am calling the doctor tomorrow. This just started Thursday morning.
I also cried because dad gave his testimony of when he was saved...it always makes me cry.
I know the men there have done something to get them there. But I can't think of a better time to give them the plan of Salvation - they are alone, they have minimal contact with family and some none at all. My parents give them Bibles...not little New Testemants or a tiny Bible...they give them a full size big lettered Bible! I know they have given out at least a hundred...and they live on social security! I don't know how they do it...wait, YES I do...God!
I really am miserable so I am going to go lay down. My mind keeps screaming at me that this isn't good...who would give you a baby!?! HE HAS A PLAN HOPE...*SMACK*...yes, He has a plan.
I know I have told ya'll that my dad and mom have a service there monthly and my dad goes weekly for a Bible study. Well, my dad has been bugging me constantly to go sing and today I did.
I sung But the blood says you can...and of course Child of God.
You may have wandered
From the path you were on
Found yourself lonely and lost
A long way from home
The guilt deep inside says
That you've gone too far this time
That you can't be forgiven
And there's no need to try - but
(chorus)
The blood says you can
Put the past on behind
Your sin will be covered
And your pardon signed
Satan tells you it's hopeless
And that you can't go back home again
But the Father is waiting with arms open wide
The blood says you can
We've all made our choices
That became our mistakes
And stood in the ashes, the bridges we've burned
The pain and heartaches
But the blood of Jesus
Does what nothing else can do
There's a place called forgiveness
And there's room there for you - 'cause
(repeat chorus)
(bridge)
When you're reminded of mistakes that you've made
Just remember the price has been paid - and
It was strange, I only practiced Child of God 'cause that is what daddy wanted me to sing. But I actually dreamed about this song last night. I woke up to find the CD and it wasn't in my box. I went to feed the fish and there it was laying on the couch!
There were tears and raised hands. I have never been a part of a prison ministry but it really touched my heart. There were probably 30 there. It is the part of the prison that is minimum security, so people are just walking around. As they came in they hugged my dad and mom and told them how much they are a blessing to them...it was so awesome to see how they respond to my sweet parents.
I almost cried through the whole service...mostly because something has happened in my back and I can't sit or stand without intense pain...grr. I am calling the doctor tomorrow. This just started Thursday morning.
I also cried because dad gave his testimony of when he was saved...it always makes me cry.
I know the men there have done something to get them there. But I can't think of a better time to give them the plan of Salvation - they are alone, they have minimal contact with family and some none at all. My parents give them Bibles...not little New Testemants or a tiny Bible...they give them a full size big lettered Bible! I know they have given out at least a hundred...and they live on social security! I don't know how they do it...wait, YES I do...God!
I really am miserable so I am going to go lay down. My mind keeps screaming at me that this isn't good...who would give you a baby!?! HE HAS A PLAN HOPE...*SMACK*...yes, He has a plan.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
He is my strong tower
I heard a story today...one I have probably heard before. But my heart and soul was accepting to hear it this time.
A father and a daughter was walking along on a beautiful day, side by side. Suddenly the little girl falls and scrapes her knee. The father scooped her up and kissed her and took her home. He put ointment on the scrapes and comfort her to make things better. The little girl hugged her daddy and thanked him.
I was walking along...alone I thought. I fell and my uterus got all scraped up. I thought I was all alone so I didn't let anyone pick me up and make me all better. I cried out to my God - why did you let this happen to me, why would you allow bad things to happen to good people? I didn't wait for an answer, I let Him take care of me in almost every other road in life...but infertility was a road I thought I was allowed to walk down alone.
For almost 18 years I felt I was alone there, asking him over and over WHY? I didn't sit still long enough to let him answer.
The answer has came over the last few weeks.
My child, it isn't that I allow things to happen to you. Just like the little girl with her daddy, he didn't allow her to scrape her knees. He never promised her bad things wouldn't happen, he just promised his unconditional love; that he would be there to scoop her up and heal her wounds. That is My promise to you, to pick you up and hold you while you cry and heal you according to My plan.
I have finally let Him pick me up and answer my questions why. I believe we have a child out there, maybe not even conceived yet. He has shown me how much love we can give to our family's babies, shown us that our doubts of being able to handle some things were unfounded. I allowed him to open my heart to other things as well, but the biggest of these has been adoption.
When I am reading about success stories, or stories in progress...I feel Him.
When I am looking through the agencies paperwork...I feel Him.
When I make lists of things we have to do to prepare...I feel Him.
I don't know why it took so long for me to realize the bad things aren't His fault, even when we are right beside Him we can fall. His promise comes in the outstretched arms that wrap around us and hold us tight.
When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. Isaiah 43:2
A father and a daughter was walking along on a beautiful day, side by side. Suddenly the little girl falls and scrapes her knee. The father scooped her up and kissed her and took her home. He put ointment on the scrapes and comfort her to make things better. The little girl hugged her daddy and thanked him.
I was walking along...alone I thought. I fell and my uterus got all scraped up. I thought I was all alone so I didn't let anyone pick me up and make me all better. I cried out to my God - why did you let this happen to me, why would you allow bad things to happen to good people? I didn't wait for an answer, I let Him take care of me in almost every other road in life...but infertility was a road I thought I was allowed to walk down alone.
For almost 18 years I felt I was alone there, asking him over and over WHY? I didn't sit still long enough to let him answer.
The answer has came over the last few weeks.
My child, it isn't that I allow things to happen to you. Just like the little girl with her daddy, he didn't allow her to scrape her knees. He never promised her bad things wouldn't happen, he just promised his unconditional love; that he would be there to scoop her up and heal her wounds. That is My promise to you, to pick you up and hold you while you cry and heal you according to My plan.
I have finally let Him pick me up and answer my questions why. I believe we have a child out there, maybe not even conceived yet. He has shown me how much love we can give to our family's babies, shown us that our doubts of being able to handle some things were unfounded. I allowed him to open my heart to other things as well, but the biggest of these has been adoption.
When I am reading about success stories, or stories in progress...I feel Him.
When I am looking through the agencies paperwork...I feel Him.
When I make lists of things we have to do to prepare...I feel Him.
I don't know why it took so long for me to realize the bad things aren't His fault, even when we are right beside Him we can fall. His promise comes in the outstretched arms that wrap around us and hold us tight.
When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. Isaiah 43:2
Thursday, July 24, 2008
One day closer
I have recovered from the baby extravaganza! Then wicked aunt flow visited again! I don't know what that is all about...it is almost gone today so that is nice.
I got some info from 2 of the agencies we are looking at. I called social services to talk to a social worker about a home study and what all I needed to do, the cost and such. We are excited to think that every day is one day closer.
We do need to do some things to this house before the home study. Also I told her a little about my health issues and she said information from my doctor may be required.
I hate putting it off for any amount of time, but it looks like September...the first week before we can really have everything in order. Really that isn't that far down the road, now that I think about that...eeek I hope we can be done by then!! :o
I keep hearing that song "freak out" in my head...haha
Today I spent it with my parents...I love them! Cara brought Ida Hope by and I got to feed and hold her. She is so pretty, I feel so much love for her and Illan too. Cara has turned out to be a good little mommy.
Well, I am zonked and am going to bed a little early. Speaking of early...do ya think it is freakishly early for us to be considering furniture for a nursery??? SIGH
I got some info from 2 of the agencies we are looking at. I called social services to talk to a social worker about a home study and what all I needed to do, the cost and such. We are excited to think that every day is one day closer.
We do need to do some things to this house before the home study. Also I told her a little about my health issues and she said information from my doctor may be required.
I hate putting it off for any amount of time, but it looks like September...the first week before we can really have everything in order. Really that isn't that far down the road, now that I think about that...eeek I hope we can be done by then!! :o
I keep hearing that song "freak out" in my head...haha
Today I spent it with my parents...I love them! Cara brought Ida Hope by and I got to feed and hold her. She is so pretty, I feel so much love for her and Illan too. Cara has turned out to be a good little mommy.
Well, I am zonked and am going to bed a little early. Speaking of early...do ya think it is freakishly early for us to be considering furniture for a nursery??? SIGH
Monday, July 21, 2008
Always a bridesmaid...
Wait...I did the bride thing!
I meant always an Aunt...never a mommy...sigh
This weekend was full of highs and lows. Misti and I had a play date planned, well, a meet and greet date kinda. Mom found out and wanted to cook us all breakfast and have all the great grands there.
I was so excited, I woke up early Friday morning so I could go get Italy...but I got up and as soon as my feet hit the floor I feel heavy and dizzy. I thought I just got up too fast and when I got in the shower, it was all I could do not to lose the previous nights dinner. I got out...had to lay down. There was no way I was gonna miss this.
I wanted to see Simon and I just wanted to have some family time.
I got up and got ready, Scott said I looked like a ghost..which you can tell in the pictures..SIGH. We got going down the road and I felt it, I grabbed a walmart bag that was in the back seat and nearly filled it. I started feeling ok until Scott said...your bag is leaking! UGH...I fortunately found another bag and rode the rest of the way to get Italy and then to mom's covered in vomit. NASTY. I washed up and mom gave me a different shirt and for the most part I felt better. I don't think it was a bug...I think it was something to do with my meds.
It was all overwhelming. I walk in and Mom has Simon, Lily is with Misti and Scott brings in Italy. I go get cleaned up and there comes Cara with Ida Hope and Illan. I didn't know which baby to pick up first. At first it was so overwhelming I couldn't think...I just enjoyed. At one point I had two babies in my arms, no at 2 points haha. Italy pretty much slept through it all, poor Ida Hope had a sore stomach and Simon just took it all in...such a good baby.
Mom wasn't feeling too good so she went to lay down for a while and we all crashed her bedroom and took pictures of her with the kids. She enjoyed it so much. Illan and Lily stole the show though, every time Illan would walk into the kitchen Lily would laugh so hard and look back telling us "he did it again"...it wasn't funny but her laughing was what was sooooo funny. She laughs with her whole body.
Then when Illan would walk away from her she would tell him "No, No, No, No"...we thought he was doing something then Misti went to check and she said "come back" haha. Slowly people start to leave and it is Misti, Lily, Simon and Scott, Italy and me. Dad left to take mom to work. Lily and I were playing around a bit, she actually gave me some lovin :)
It was when things got quieter, when Misti went into the kitchen with Lily...I was holding Simon and Scott had Italy...our eyes locked on each other and both of us failed miserably at holding back the tears. This all feels so natural.
My arms are full, but empty of my own child. It drives home that I am meant to be a mommy. I just thought it was supposed to be done a certain way - God had different plans.
It was hard to say goodbye to all the excitement. We went home and had our night with Italy. I don't sleep much when she is here, not necessarily because she is awake...but I watch her, rub her face and talk to her, kiss her little fingers and toes. Friday night she slept in her boppy thingy, but Saturday I just had to have her in bed with us. She slept cradled in my arms all night. She woke up to eat and to have her diaper changed and then went right back to sleep...in my arms.
Saturday I had promised Chirsten to bring Italy by. We get there and boy Chirsten and Caleb have a fit over her, they held her and fed her and talked to her...it was so sweet. Their daddy and his wife are expecting a baby and they both will be such great siblings. Jennifer actually came by and at one point the baby started crying and Jenny got her and she calmed right down. We are hoping she has a girl too.
Sunday came and Brad called wanting to come get her. I had just taken my shower and gave her a bath...I was rubbing her down with baby oil and brushing her hair when he called. It was like someone woke me up, I actually sat up and felt this lump in my throat and had to catch my breath. I know this isn't my child, I know she has wonderful parents...but for some reason Sunday morning I kind of forgot I guess.
Brad came and we had packed all her stuff together. She had ran out of diapers but I had kept 3 last time so I was safe. Scott was threatening to use a maxi pad and duct tape...SILLY SILLY MAN!
I heard Brad come in and I had put her in her carseat already, she fell asleep. I carried her into the den and Brad started loading her stuff into his car. I held her up to me while he was doing that and my heart was breaking. I can almost imagine the pain in the stories on TV about how hard it is to experience an adoption gone wrong.
Brad came in to get her and I tried not to cry, but I did. I know she isn't mine. I would never step over that line but am I getting too attached...is that possible? I love her so much and would give anything for her to be mine, but I know that won't happen...she has great parents. I am the aunt dang it. After she left I had almost 2 hours of tears and thought I would take a nap...it was about 2:30. Umm, I woke up practically this morning! When I did wake up I told Scott we were out of diapers.
I think baby sitting her will be easier and I really look forward to that. Seeing the look in Brad's eyes when he saw her after the weekend was so sweet. She has so much love for her from so many people.
All of this just reaffirmed our decision for adoption. I think maybe God gave us this time with Italy to show us we will be good parents, that it will all come naturally. There always has been that fear that maybe there is a reason God hasn't given us a child and that it might be that we would suck as parents. Now I know better...I know Scott will be so attentive, I can handle fussiness and feeding and all that baby stuff.
We are waiting for packets of info from 3 different agencies. I am excited. I am nervous. I am anxious. We are looking at baby room furniture and accessories.
Going through the pictures we took on Friday and over the weekend was soothing in a way. One of my favorite pictures is me holding Simon, he is laying on my chest asleep. He is precious.
I know I just did a picture post, but I can't help but post some of Friday and Saturday...I won't post them all...maybe :)
I meant always an Aunt...never a mommy...sigh
This weekend was full of highs and lows. Misti and I had a play date planned, well, a meet and greet date kinda. Mom found out and wanted to cook us all breakfast and have all the great grands there.
I was so excited, I woke up early Friday morning so I could go get Italy...but I got up and as soon as my feet hit the floor I feel heavy and dizzy. I thought I just got up too fast and when I got in the shower, it was all I could do not to lose the previous nights dinner. I got out...had to lay down. There was no way I was gonna miss this.
I wanted to see Simon and I just wanted to have some family time.
I got up and got ready, Scott said I looked like a ghost..which you can tell in the pictures..SIGH. We got going down the road and I felt it, I grabbed a walmart bag that was in the back seat and nearly filled it. I started feeling ok until Scott said...your bag is leaking! UGH...I fortunately found another bag and rode the rest of the way to get Italy and then to mom's covered in vomit. NASTY. I washed up and mom gave me a different shirt and for the most part I felt better. I don't think it was a bug...I think it was something to do with my meds.
It was all overwhelming. I walk in and Mom has Simon, Lily is with Misti and Scott brings in Italy. I go get cleaned up and there comes Cara with Ida Hope and Illan. I didn't know which baby to pick up first. At first it was so overwhelming I couldn't think...I just enjoyed. At one point I had two babies in my arms, no at 2 points haha. Italy pretty much slept through it all, poor Ida Hope had a sore stomach and Simon just took it all in...such a good baby.
Mom wasn't feeling too good so she went to lay down for a while and we all crashed her bedroom and took pictures of her with the kids. She enjoyed it so much. Illan and Lily stole the show though, every time Illan would walk into the kitchen Lily would laugh so hard and look back telling us "he did it again"...it wasn't funny but her laughing was what was sooooo funny. She laughs with her whole body.
Then when Illan would walk away from her she would tell him "No, No, No, No"...we thought he was doing something then Misti went to check and she said "come back" haha. Slowly people start to leave and it is Misti, Lily, Simon and Scott, Italy and me. Dad left to take mom to work. Lily and I were playing around a bit, she actually gave me some lovin :)
It was when things got quieter, when Misti went into the kitchen with Lily...I was holding Simon and Scott had Italy...our eyes locked on each other and both of us failed miserably at holding back the tears. This all feels so natural.
My arms are full, but empty of my own child. It drives home that I am meant to be a mommy. I just thought it was supposed to be done a certain way - God had different plans.
It was hard to say goodbye to all the excitement. We went home and had our night with Italy. I don't sleep much when she is here, not necessarily because she is awake...but I watch her, rub her face and talk to her, kiss her little fingers and toes. Friday night she slept in her boppy thingy, but Saturday I just had to have her in bed with us. She slept cradled in my arms all night. She woke up to eat and to have her diaper changed and then went right back to sleep...in my arms.
Saturday I had promised Chirsten to bring Italy by. We get there and boy Chirsten and Caleb have a fit over her, they held her and fed her and talked to her...it was so sweet. Their daddy and his wife are expecting a baby and they both will be such great siblings. Jennifer actually came by and at one point the baby started crying and Jenny got her and she calmed right down. We are hoping she has a girl too.
Sunday came and Brad called wanting to come get her. I had just taken my shower and gave her a bath...I was rubbing her down with baby oil and brushing her hair when he called. It was like someone woke me up, I actually sat up and felt this lump in my throat and had to catch my breath. I know this isn't my child, I know she has wonderful parents...but for some reason Sunday morning I kind of forgot I guess.
Brad came and we had packed all her stuff together. She had ran out of diapers but I had kept 3 last time so I was safe. Scott was threatening to use a maxi pad and duct tape...SILLY SILLY MAN!
I heard Brad come in and I had put her in her carseat already, she fell asleep. I carried her into the den and Brad started loading her stuff into his car. I held her up to me while he was doing that and my heart was breaking. I can almost imagine the pain in the stories on TV about how hard it is to experience an adoption gone wrong.
Brad came in to get her and I tried not to cry, but I did. I know she isn't mine. I would never step over that line but am I getting too attached...is that possible? I love her so much and would give anything for her to be mine, but I know that won't happen...she has great parents. I am the aunt dang it. After she left I had almost 2 hours of tears and thought I would take a nap...it was about 2:30. Umm, I woke up practically this morning! When I did wake up I told Scott we were out of diapers.
I think baby sitting her will be easier and I really look forward to that. Seeing the look in Brad's eyes when he saw her after the weekend was so sweet. She has so much love for her from so many people.
All of this just reaffirmed our decision for adoption. I think maybe God gave us this time with Italy to show us we will be good parents, that it will all come naturally. There always has been that fear that maybe there is a reason God hasn't given us a child and that it might be that we would suck as parents. Now I know better...I know Scott will be so attentive, I can handle fussiness and feeding and all that baby stuff.
We are waiting for packets of info from 3 different agencies. I am excited. I am nervous. I am anxious. We are looking at baby room furniture and accessories.
Going through the pictures we took on Friday and over the weekend was soothing in a way. One of my favorite pictures is me holding Simon, he is laying on my chest asleep. He is precious.
I know I just did a picture post, but I can't help but post some of Friday and Saturday...I won't post them all...maybe :)
Our Linville Cavern Trip
Since gas prices are outta site GRR, instead of a beach trip we went to the mountains about an hour away. We went to the Linville Caverns first. They were so cool - I had been there as a child and it seemed much larger then - but I was like 10. It stays 55 degrees in there year round. There is water dropping constantly and the rocks forming are so cool. We spent about an hour there and then went to Linville falls - those too seemed bigger as a child!
The sign said .4 miles to the falls...it was down hill so I thought sure I can do this. About 10 miles later we finally get to the falls! (ok, maybe not 10 miles but walk more than you have in a year and see how long it feels...but everyone agreed it was WAY more than .4 miles...we think the . was in the wrong place). It was pretty but honestly wasn't worth the pain to walk there!
As we start walking back...there was this sign pointing to a lower parking lot...I was dreading the walk up the hill so why not have them go get the van and come to the lower one!?! Great idea. It wasn't a bad walk to that parking lot and we figured it would just be a short little drive to get there. Umm an hour later they finally pull in - they had to get on the Blue Ridge Parkway and drive a ways then get off and turn here and there...wasn't such a great idea after all. If we didn't have the kids with us I think they would have left us haha. (I don't think I am kidding)
It was a good day, we planned to picnic but stopped at Fatz and ate instead haha, we were wiped out! Enjoy the pictures...
The sign said .4 miles to the falls...it was down hill so I thought sure I can do this. About 10 miles later we finally get to the falls! (ok, maybe not 10 miles but walk more than you have in a year and see how long it feels...but everyone agreed it was WAY more than .4 miles...we think the . was in the wrong place). It was pretty but honestly wasn't worth the pain to walk there!
As we start walking back...there was this sign pointing to a lower parking lot...I was dreading the walk up the hill so why not have them go get the van and come to the lower one!?! Great idea. It wasn't a bad walk to that parking lot and we figured it would just be a short little drive to get there. Umm an hour later they finally pull in - they had to get on the Blue Ridge Parkway and drive a ways then get off and turn here and there...wasn't such a great idea after all. If we didn't have the kids with us I think they would have left us haha. (I don't think I am kidding)
It was a good day, we planned to picnic but stopped at Fatz and ate instead haha, we were wiped out! Enjoy the pictures...
This was just as we were waiting to go in...they are really good kids, even while waiting!
This is one of the biggest formations in there...there is a larger light near it is why there is green on it.
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