My Poppy

***I was searching for a date, funny how I can come here and find out when something happened...and it is usually here.  Then I found this. It was originally posted June, 2009.  I can't stop the tears, I miss him so much.  Every word was true - I could have wrote so much more.  Isaac never came.  No child ever came.  Even if a miracle happened and God gave us a dozen...they won't know him.  They will know of him, but they won't experience him.  sigh.  

s i g h

I miss you.  The surgery was fine, but I was so apprehensive to even have it without you there to wrap your soft but rough hands around mine and pray over your baby girl.  No one can pray like you do poppy.  I miss you...yeah, I said that already.    

My mother even tells that I am a daddy's girl. From the time I was a little girl I can remember loving time with him. Some of my earliest memories of daddy/daughter time was centered around fishing. That love is still there.



I was two or three and he took me fishing and I was restless. So he handed me the carton of worms (yeah...grosses me out to think about it too now) and I took them and tied them into knots - not enough to kill or hurt them...just sweet lil knots. He tells the story to this day, always with a big smile on his face.

I love to watch him throw this net to catch shad...he is so good at it! Santee Cooper in SC is his favorite place to fish!

When my hands got big enough to take fish off the hooks, he taught me how. He was so proud of me when I took my first crappie off the hook. But, he has never let me take my catfish off - he has always been so scared of me getting stung. He has four sons, but his favorite fishing buddy has always been me.


There are so many wonderful things I love about my poppy. He has this fierce love for his family and will do anything within his power to take care of us. He is so smart, he is creative and boy he has a talent for growing vegetables. He has such a giving heart, everything he grows he shares with anyone who needs it. So many qualities about him just makes you love him. But most of all - he loves God. He has served our Lord in so many ways in his life time. Growing up he took us to church any time the doors were open. He pastored a church for all of my childhood and most of my adulthood. He got the family together and we sung at different churches, he would come home from work and no matter how tired we went to sing or to hear him preach.






To hear him pray is so heart touching, he just pours his heart out. When I am sick, I still call him and ask him to either pray with me or to come and pray over me.


His voice is shaky now, but he used to have this strong singing voice. He has a little lisp too...which is so cute.


He is 77 now, he doesn't pastor but he still preaches. His health is not so good, but twice a week he goes to the prison to teach and preach with the inmates. Once a month he goes on Sunday night to sing and preach a message to them. Monday nights he has a Bible study at the house, he is a Revelation know it all sometimes :) He works harder now than he did when he was younger!! But, it keeps him busy and going. He loves it. His heart is with the prisoners who are in a place that Mark was at. He wishes someone had been there like that for Mark.

He takes a stand and isn't afraid to defend it, but he also is open to the fact that he can be wrong. But, if it is Bible based - you will have a fight on your hands to change his mind.


He is my hero in so many ways. He is the only one that can call me Hopeless and really get away with it. He is a hugger. He calls out of the blue just to see how I am and say "I love you". He is tender hearted, and hurts when I hurt. To see the tears in his eyes on Mother's day when he announced that his baby girl was celebrating her first mother's day was enough to make me cry again just thinking about it.


My water pipes break - call daddy.
My car has a problem - call daddy.
My A/C is acting up - call daddy.
My heart is hurt - call daddy.
My prayers feel useless - call daddy.
Time to go fishing - call daddy.
Need some green beans - call daddy.
Want some love - call daddy.


What is wonderful as well - Scott loves him just as much. And my daddy loves him too. They could have been father and son. They both love fishing, working on cars, piddling with things.


Today, my poppy was the oldest father in church. In my eyes, and Scott's...he was the best as well. I love him. There are no words to express how much it means that Isaac is coming soon so I can share my poppy with him. That little boy will know how much my daddy loves him and how much I hope he gets to learn how to take a fish off the hook and learns all about Jesus from his poppy.

He can be so silly!

He loves his family so much - this is a bunch of us - not all!

Quick update...

I just got off the phone with the lawyer - Jami he is SO nice. He answered all my questions and even though I was nervous lol, you could tell he was smiling at times and is really confident that this will all go smoothly. He says that when birth mom and adoptive mom find each other makes for the best adoptions.

He told me a lot of things that have to be done between now and October. He made me at ease about the father issue. He said that they put an announcement in the Sun times and Chicago tribune that the baby is going to be born and they have X amount of days to respond. He will call her and get things rolling with her, paperwork and such. There will be a lawyer for the baby as well. I have to have the homestudy and all that will be done here through DSS.

We talked about finances *gulp* It is a lot, but God is gonna make a way - I have no doubt. We have to have a 5k retainer for him before he does anything. The home study is 1500-2000. The baby's lawyer will be about 1500-2000. Filing paperwork and such down here will be about 500. Sooo, anyone got 10k laying around anywhere they just don't need LOL.

Extreme range of emotions but I have to have faith that God brought us here, He is gonna see us through it all. But as my mamma says, prayers need legs sometimes and we are going to work our tooshies off to make every dime. So pray for our finances and for my final surgery on the 29th - I will be bionic! *insert six million dollar man sound effects here*

Heading to Hickory to eat with the family...suhweeeeeet!

p.s. if anyone has any suggestions on raising this much money quickly (and legally) I would appreciate any information.

His plan...

I know it has been a while since I posted. I admit that I got discouraged for a bit. I hadn't heard from her. I sent her letters with no response. I had no clue how else to get in touch with her.

Hope, God has a plan.

One minute I would have so much peace about it all. I just knew everything would turn out ok, then like a thief doubt set in. It stole pieces of that peace every chance it got. Ever day that passed - I worried.

I have a plan. Love, God.

One Saturday we were heading out to Ida Hope's first birthday party. We never check the mail early in the day - our mailperson takes lunch from 12-4 so we know she hasn't been here. (I think I am joking about the lunch.) But, we check the mail. Going out of our driveway it is on my side of the car. I pull out the mail - junk, bill, junk, sales paper, magazine, junk...envelope. Her name is written on it. Funny...looks like my writing - how cool we have the same....wait. It IS my hand writing. My first letter since the adoption portfolio was returned to me. Big red letters RTS written across it with a stamp saying no forwarding address.

I knew today before the first second ticked away, plans are unfolding working perfectly. Love, God.

I crashed. I couldn't breathe. This sent me over the edge. I wasn't sure if she had sent it back to me, or if she left the rehab and didn't give an address. All sorts of things ran through my mind and heart - none of them good. BREATHE, I kept telling myself. Scott was the same but different. Men...if they one time would just react like a woman they wouldn't keep it all in! I don't know how I made it through this party. Staring at this beautiful little one year old. I really don't remember it all. I walked into my parents house and Scott walked over to hug me and I said no...I will crumble. I can't breathe.

Trust Me, I am your God.

We finally were able to leave and in the car it all started to come out. I didn't want to go home. It was like if I go there, I know what will happen. I will curl up and feel it all. I was angry at God. I asked Him why. I yelled at him HOW! I told Him I wasn't talking to Him for now, well except to tell Him I wasn't talking to Him. My heart might have, but not on purpose. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to hear..."God has a plan for you", "It just wasn't meant to be", "pray about it". So we didn't tell anyone. We stopped for limeades and then I told Scott I just wanted to crash in the bed with him. Just hold each other until the rage of it all had passed. So we did that. My husband sobbed. He did more so for me than for anything. I can't express how much this man hurts for me when I hurt. It takes my breath.

You can yell at me, ask me why and be angry. I can take it. I will ease your pain, but you have to trust Me.

I woke up the next morning with a little more control of my feelings and was a little more rational about it. What if? hmmm what if she is out and they really don't have her address. But it has been weeks and no call. What if things are so crazy for her and she thinks we are all good. Hope crept back in. It didn't drown out the blaring doubt, but it was hope none the less. We didn't go to church - still angry so I just showed him by not going to church...yeah that worked. We went to the mountains for the pig pickin, listening to 106.9. Christian station and a song came on about praising Him in the storm. I flipped the channel to 88.1 Joy FM...gospel station. There was a song about Him being a mountain mover. Every song applicable to this situation. Scott and I both wept.

I am here, can't you hear Me...I'm calling out your name. Always, God.

The pig pickin was lovely. The McCurry's are some of the best people you will know. The weather was perfect. It was Italy's birthday and she was beautiful. We knew she had a birthday party that evening too, but we wouldn't miss it no matter the storm inside. We headed back down the mountain for a quick nap before the party and I e-mailed Jami. I told her about the letter and how we felt it was over. I freaked her out I am sure. She emailed me back saying that she would talk to De and Bre and see what they could find out.

Don't be afraid, I am with you - I am your God.

We went to Italy's party and fell in love with her all over again. She is precious. It was good to see family, Keta's family who are such warm beautiful people. We didn't stay too long, I was emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted. We went home and I clicked on facebook and there was a message from Jami. I hear God answered prayers. I sent her back Huh? I don't know what you are talkin bout Willis! Then the phone rings. It was Jami. Out of the clear blue, not really God did it...Rebecca called Breann. They told her I was worried and she said she called and left me a message. I have zero signal in the mountains! She said she just knew things with me were settled for one, but she has been so busy since getting out. She got her house, and got her youngest son back and then all the meetings and such she has...she has been overwhelmed. AHHhhh OUCH...God just smacked my butt hard.

Hope, I am working things for your good. I love you and never want you to hurt.

Well, my heart was ok...I felt foolish, spent a lot of time on my knees begging for forgiveness. I wish doubt wasn't so strong. I wish my faith was stronger. I called her back and left a message to call when she could. It was so great to hear her voice. It was great to give family and friends the good news. Jami found me a lawyer and I emailed him to see if he would take our case. What on earth would I do without her. He emailed me and told me to call him this week. Monday came. I hadn't heard from her. Hmm...*knock knock - doubt and despair calling*...I opened the door and let them right in! So today at the urging of you guessed it...Jami...well, a few other wonderful friends too...I called her.

Hope did you forget Psalms 27:14? Wait on me, be of good courage and I will strengthen your heart.

It was a beautiful conversation. I first asked her how she was, how things were with her son and how the baby was doing. She is doing good, tired but good. Her son is amazing and a hand full, who reminds her every day why this is the right decision. We chit chatted some. Her little brother (8) is having open heart surgery in July and she is spending a lot of time with him too. (Pray for him) She never got my message...she is having phone issues. I told her of my anxiety and she said Hope, I won't change my mind. Please know that. *heart skipped*

We talked about her family and her parents are behind her decision 100%. They both are doctors and with a sick child and their jobs...they can't take another child. We talked about the father. She said he won't want a baby and will not be an issue. *FAITH HOPE...FAITH* I told her that I had spoken to a lawyer and was it ok to give him her number....she immediately said YES! I will give him all he needs. I asked her if it was ok for us to talk, if she would prefer to go through the lawyer exclusively that was up to her. She said she wants to talk to me, and I could call her any time I wanted. I asked her about the type of adoption she wanted - open, closed?? Before she answered, I told her that Scott and I would accommodate her however much contact or such she needed. Whatever felt right in her heart was what we wanted. She said she wanted pictures and updates. That if we did meet, she basically wanted to be called Aunt Rebecca. My heart broke and healed in like 2 seconds. It broke for her, for this situation...but was healed when she said you are the mommy.

Nothing is impossible for Me Hope, with men maybe, but not Me!

Our conversation continued a bit then she said...I have a question for you. I gulped. I about blurted out ..."OK OK...I am addicted to playing farmtown on Facebook and If you give me Ketchup I will put it on nearly everything"...thinking I was about to be asked some daunting secret or something. Then she said..."I asked my gynecologist if it would be possible to schedule the birth. I was hoping that you and Scott could come here when the baby is born. I want you to take him home from the hospital". Can you just hear my heart singing?? I said "yes, we want to be there, we were hoping it would be ok with you". She was glad, she was afraid I wouldn't want to be there. Then she said would it be too weird for you to be in the room with me? I about screamed. I had to rope in all those emotions and calmly said I would be honored, would love to. My mind wandered to him being placed in my arms. SIGH

I told you so I told you so...nanananan...wait that was Jami not God this time.

I was on such a high from it all. I told her she was amazing. She said she knows this is right, she knows this was from God. She said she was feeling hopeless and Breann told her about me...then she found out my name was Hope and she said she knew God orchestrated this. Her family knows. I told her about how her name and his name connected and she said SEEE...God! You are in NC, I am in IL and there is no other way we would have found each other without HIM. It touched me so much to give my sweet Jesus the credit.

She wants to see me when I go in August to see the lawyer and visit with Jami and hopefully Kari and Shannon and De and Bre. I am so in love with her and our son. I felt so inclined to put up a baby ticker :) I finally let Scott read the letters that I have written to Isaac. No more doubt will take away one second of this love and excitement. My God is a mountain mover and I know He has a plan.

On a side note, watching the Rebekah's go through the last 24 hours has moved me to tears more than once. Please pray for them all. So happy for them. Our stories are both miracles. Not the normal way a baby is brought into a mother's life. God's fingerprints are every where.

I promise to keep updates more frequent and will post pictures of the one year olds soon!

Thank you for the prayers.

Wow

Sometimes words just can't express love, beauty, peace and contentment. So WOW will have to do I guess.

For at least 18 years now, Mother's day has marked a day of exclusion for me. It was a day that I dreaded. I tried to feign sickness or convenient trip. I rarely made it through the church service. If I did, I was usually drained for the rest of the day, unable to even work up any excitement to celebrate the two most important mothers in my life.

Today was different.

I looked forward to going to the service, to spend the day with my mom. And really, my first thought was not that Isaac is within reach - I guess this whole situation has released that pain, has healed it really.

Since learning of Rebecca and Isaac, I have tried to avoid my pain medications - I just don't want to miss a moment of this. I have smiled more, have lived more, have planned more than I have in a very long time. I have thought about getting out of the house to spend time with family and friends, I cherish ever moment even more with Scott. This feeling is amazing and I don't want to let it go even for a second.

The majority of people that I have told about this blessing have been excited for us, but cautiously so. Usually the first thing said is - is this for sure, what are the risks. I don't blame them, I have asked the same. I love that they are thinking of our hearts and the ache that is a possibility. I tell them about the 72 hours after Isaac is born, Rebecca has every right to change her mind. We are not naive, we know the risks. But, if I was stuck on that - I wouldn't be able to enjoy this feeling, this journey. I have to put my faith in Him and even if tomorrow came and the journey ended, nothing could take away the happiness and hope we have enjoyed these last few weeks. This feeling that my son is a few months from being in my arms is worth the risk, the love I feel is worth the risk.

I haven't went out and bought everything imaginable for a nursery YET, but we will :). My sci fi loving husband wants to do a space ship nursery...haha. I think a primary color car/train/plane/truck theme would be awesome. I loved Burt and Leslie's nursery and it is along those lines. We will see I guess.

Anyway, today I went to my parents church. As always, flowers were made available for the mothers. They did it a little different; the mothers went up front to get their rose and I just didn't feel that I was ready for that. (HAHA, you will get my laughter in a minute). So I smiled, sat there enjoying watching my mother get hers. All had laughs when the oldest mother got her extra lil something...mom missed it by only 3 years. She used to get the most kid one, but I was her only babe there this Sunday.

I am always asked to sing when I go to their church, and usually I do without much prodding. But, I tried not to today. But, if you could see my moms sweet lil face, you would just give in too!! I had picked out a song - kinda random at first - but when I got up to sing it clicked as to why God and Scott selected this song. The Whisnants sing 'Is anything too hard for God?', and I was comfy with it, practiced it a few times. I get up there and tell him track 3 on the disc. I start singing and feel the emotion of it all catching up to me. I start the second verse and the words popped me in the heart. 'Only believe, trust His word you'll see. His plans are now unfolding, performing perfectly. It's clear how much He loves you, just look at all He's done...' and I was done. I can't remember ever choking up completely in a song - but today was the day.

I turned to the pastor and asked him to stop the music. I am not one to speak much publicly, I get so tongue tied. I turned to the congregation and started telling them the story, the beautiful amazing, miracle of a story about our winding road to Isaac. People were crying with me, people were saying amen. I don't remember all I said but ended it with NOTHING is too hard for my God.

I turned to give the mic to the pastor and walk back to my seat and my dad (who sits on the front row) stopped me. I thought he was gonna sing at first. Then he walked past me a little and grabbed a beautiful deep red rose from the basket. He looked out at the church and said today was his daughters first Mother's day. He hugged me and we cried and they he asked for the pastor and the church to pray over this rose and to pray for Scott, myself, Rebecca and Isaac. Boy did they pray. It will be one of the most beautiful memories of my daddy.

I took my rose today.

I sat down beside Scott, who had tear stains on his pretty blue shirt. I love him.

The sermon was about mothers of course. But, it was for me. He told us how we should tell our mother's how much we love them and appreciate them. Then he spoke on how God knew who our mothers would be before we were even born. *the kicker* That just because a woman gives birth to a child doesn't necessarily mean that is who God has chosen to be the babies mother. *sniffle* They prayed again for us before we left. Prayer changes things, God is still on the throne.

Beautiful day.

After church, my mother had a wonderful rest of her day. It has been years, due to sad circumstances, since my mother has had all her children together in her home. Today she cooked the best beef roast I have ever eaten...super moist and tender. Actually my daddy made it now that I think of it. She made a big ham too, both were done in a crock pot I think then put in the oven and the outsides were crispy - YUM DE DUM! Dad fussed said we should have taken her out to eat - which I offered. But, she wanted to have the family at home. And she did. It was wonderful, there was no tension that is usually felt. People talked and laughed. Children and a dog under foot the whole time. Chickens outside being silly and close to fighting...crazy chickens.

The whole family wasn't there as far as grand kids and spouses but mom had her boys and her girl. The only one missing was Mark. And he was there too. This day is hard on a mother who has lost a child...more so than one who doesn't have one I would expect.

When I left mom's I went and fell in love with a yard full of puppies. My brother's dog had 8....he refers to her now as the real octo mom haha. They are sickeningly cute! NO HOPE NO!

After getting home, I turned on the TV to just hear something mindlessly while I cleaned on my bedroom a little. It was a Christmas movie - Fred Claus. Scott came in at the end and watching it had us both bawling one of those ugly cries. Nothing bad, just believing that this will be our first Christmas as mom and dad. SIGH

Beautiful day.

The most comical part of it is this...ooo I hope Scott doesn't read this. Little back history. Scott is not a golfer. He wants to golf, but it is a risky dangerous sport for him and I think he should try bungee jumping or race car driving ... something safer than Golf!

A few years ago, he went golfing with his brother Chris. Not knowing how dangerous this sport was, I didn't have him take out any extra insurance or write me a good by letter just in case. A few hours later he returns with his hands wrapped up and in obvious pain. He went to swing at the ball, on the tee and dug a 8 inch hole with the driver. He fractured both hands! Only Scott.

So tonight I am on the phone with Misti - a lovely almost 2 hour chat and I hear Scott huffing and puffing as he walks into the bedroom. Sounded like he had ran a marathon or something. I turn to look at him and there he stood with his t-shirt in one hand and in the other....a broken driver golf club. I was scared a little not knowing what happened...and here is how it went.

"gasp, gasp, sigh, gasp"

"Honey?? Are you ok??"

unable to speak Scott shakes his no head between gasping.

"What happened?"

gasp

"I"

gasp

"was"

gasp

"attacked!"

ooo the thoughts that ran through my mind, an intruder, huge dog, Sabre tooth lion...I was really a little worried at this point.

"ATTACKED?? BY WHAT??"

gasp

"It was"

gasp

"A"

wait for it...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"BEE!"

I roll laughing, close to peein in my paints.

He then held up his hands like a foot apart saying it was that big...ohh goodness, I can't breathe.

There he stands with his t-shirt off and a broken big Bertha!! To kill this foot long mutant bee!! I asked how the living room was and he said ok, looking at me with a big grimace. He said it got him too and I was picturing a hunk out of his hand and it looked more like a mosquito bite. HAHA I can't stand it. SOO funny.

He is now worried that he is gonna turn into bumble bee man or something since it was mutant. I had to call his brother who laughed harder than I did. SO FUNNY! I will be buzzing in his ear for a week or more haha.

Ok, super sleepy...Happy Mother's Day ya'll.

Thanks for the prayers and support, I can't tell you how much it all means.

Happy Mother's Day to me :)

She called!!!

About 15 minutes ago. I was laying there with a cool cloth on my head - dang headache for some reason. The phone rang with my generic ring and I almost let it go to voice mail...but I didn't. I had Survivor on the TV and was freakin out to find the remote to turn it off.

She said that Sunday was so crazy with family that she had no time to call. She then left my number at her moms so she had no way really to call me.

But my packet finally got to her and my numbers and such were in it of course. She said she has read it like 20 times and it has kept her in such a great mood all day. She said that seeing that we love to fish was exciting...she loves to fish too. There were a lot of things she said that made her so happy.

She said she knows this is what she wants and that she hasn't changed her mind at all. She sounded so excited. She is calling me again on Saturday unless something happens.

Let's see there was something else....

hmmmwhat was it???

dobedobedooooooooooooooo hmm what could it be???

OOOHHhhh yeah I know...

Do you really want to know???

Should I make you wait???

noooo I am not that mean!!

or am I????

I can't wait to see a picture of our Isaac John Henry Lail...that is a mouthful huh? beautiful wonderful mouthful!

Prayer changes things...

Yeah, it is really 3:43 am. I have been awake since 2:33 am. I took a pain pill so this is not the norm for me. I went to sleep fine, easy and Scott knows it is gonna be a good night when I can drift off to sleep right when he does basically.

Before I did fall to sleep...actually I think I fell asleep during - oops sorry God, I was praying. Praying for God to answer some financial issues, praying for Rebecca and hoping that she is doing fine and nothing is wrong. Since learning of her, the prospect of taking this journey has been emotional on all sorts of levels as I am sure you could imagine. But, one of the greatest concerns has been financial.

I haven't worked in over 2 years. Scott's current job is one of the lowest paying jobs he has had in his career...maybe the lowest. But, we have no doubt that this job was a gift from God and all gifts from God are good...can I get an amen? (This was the message Sunday morning)

But, we went from two really good salaries to one not so good salary. I won't go into details but just in doctor visits (not surgeries or procedures or RX's or tests...just visits) have put a major dent in our 'extra' monies each month. Last month alone I saw 4 different doctors spread out in 9 different visits.

So yeah - finances have become intense.

Where did I think that money for a home study, lawyer, travel, other expenses was gonna come from? I looked at our savings, which was looking pretty good for a while - and umm well, *blush* 2840....oops I missed a decimal...28.40. Sweet, I could use that to put gas in the car to get to the airport in Charlotte. SIGH

But, I have faith that God will make a way. I have to. Faith sustains me in so many ways. Without it I just couldn't handle this chronic pain. Without faith, this sad deep pain of infertility would devour me.

So, my mind slips off to dream land while I am whispering prayers to my ever present, all knowing, wonderful, graceful God around 1130ish. I wake up with tears streaming down my face, with my heart so full, my head about to explode to tell someone what I really feel God just opened my eyes to. I lay there for 20 minutes rubbing Scott's hand, playing with his hair, moving around and finally I whisper "I love you" and he says..."you gotta go pee?" I giggle no. (I have to get out on his side of the bed to go to the bathroom right now - long story)

Then he asked why was I shaking, and I told him that I just had this answer from God about our finances. I took my crap (cpap) mask off and said it again, and this time Scott sat up on his elbow to listen.

I didn't dream it, I woke up just knowing...and it really scared me that He can just do that.

I love photography (as I have bored you to tears with pics I am sure). I want to start a little business one day. Not as much for money but for the joy I get from taking pictures and seeing others love them when I show the shots to them. (though money is nice).

I woke up to knowing what I needed to do to make money for our adoption plans, to get my business off the ground and to feed that joy.

I am making fliers come tomorrow to give to friends, family, docs offices (should get something back from all the money I spend there) and where ever else I can think of.

25 dollars, I come to you and take your pictures - family, baby...whatever (weddings scare me though) and I put the best on a cd/dvd and give it to them to print or I have access to a professional printing company that will create packages for me.

I know I am not a professional photographer by any means, but I love it, I am told I have a good eye for it and God gives us things that we love and are good at for a reason and He gave me a reason at 230 this morning.

I have this thing about asking for money from people - even family. I just can't do it. I can do it if I am giving them something even better in return.

I asked Scott if I was crazy or if the pain pill has done a job on me and through tears of his own he said no. He thinks I am good at it. He has always encouraged me to go for it. I have been my worse critic.

He wanted to kick me out of the bed when I said I had to blog about it right now. But, he is snoring now so I know I am not keeping him awake.

So family, friends...expect to hear more over the next few days - yay.

Ok, now you can return to your regularly scheduled programming.

God is good all the time.

Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.

Jeremiah 33:3

sorry

for the lack of an update....but it is a reflection of the lack of information I have.

She didn't call.

I know in her situation that things can happen, a variety of things that could keep her from calling. My greatest fear is after spending time with her family and her other two children she has changed her mind. If that is God's plan, what can I say. I just pray for some information either way.

DeAnn did say she was excited after talking to me Thursday and wanted to know if the baby would have my accent.

still praying...

B I G...huge news!

ooops hit enter before I put the post in haha.

NO not pregnant..blah

Huge H U G E!

noo H O O O O O G E !

Where do I start. ok bad craptastic morning first. This is gonna be a long one so if you don't got the time to sit here and read it all just skip it til later - but it is H O O O O O G E !

Went to the fertility doc. Sat down, first thing he said...I think that treatments will be a waste of your money. There is very little chance that we can get you pregnant. With your history the pregnancy will be extremely high risk but I will do what you want shy of IVF which he said the chances of that working are even worse without donor eggs. BAH! :( He said with the history of a stroke they would have to put me on heparin. My diabetes will be a huge factor along with my high blood pressure. We talked and came to the agreement that we will do three cycle and if no baby...end of road, door shut...finito!

Needless to say I left crying and discouraged. We did schedule a saline study of my uterus for the 16th and see him again the following month. Left pissed and sad and really began to feel like this was it.

I met up with John and Lena and couldn't tell them about the visit while we were out, went to Steinmart (LOVE THIS STORE) and ended up going back to the car pretty quick with Caleb (who HATES to shop) and hung out in the van while they shopped. pout pout, poor me - ok done...with that.

I have to back up to last week. Jami calls me...at first I thought she was pregnant again or something she was so excited. She tells me that BreAnn came home or DeAnn visited her (I can't remember) and that a girl that is in rehab with Bre is pregnant and wants to give the baby up for adoption. I was in a room full of people and couldn't jump up and down...but I was so excited. She told me to call De later that day and I would get more details. I talked to De and she said a lot of the same things Jami said, but that she wanted my number to call me! :o She said the girl had 2 other children (not with her) and that is in rehab for Marijuana.

Jami called me and said that De had left me a message, but I didn't get a call - was at my in laws and just as I told Jami that the reception sucks we got d/c lol.

(BTW...De and Jami sound like twins on the phone!)

So Monday came, no call. I was disappointed but not devastated. We have been in situations similar and things can happen. De told me that she had to coordinate the call with her counselor so it may be later in the week.

Tuesday, no call. I talked to Jami and De on messenger and they still said that she will call that she even thanked Bre and De for finding someone for her baby.

I then remembered there was that message from De on my phone, so I listened to it and got chills! We have always said if we had a son we would name him Isaac. Sara in the Bible was barren and God blessed her with a child later in life. Isaac grew up and married Rebecca.

De says, (in her Jami like voice...really yankee by the way haha just kidding) Rebecca is gonna call you. The baby is due September 10th and she will have an US on the 5th of May to know the sex. (Issac married Rebecca...hence chills)

Wednesday came, no call...hope dwindled but if she decided to keep her child and work on herself how could that be wrong.

So today...super craptastic day it started out to be...turned around with the ring of my phone. Rebecca called. She CALLED!

She asked is this Hope? (She also has a Jami - esque tone to her voice...maybe it is an IL thing :) ) I said yes, she told me she was Rebecca and she was friends with Bre. My mind spun in a million different circles. I had all these questions written out - at home. So I had no clue what to ask. She told me that she had 2 kids and they weren't with her. That she needed to concentrate on her sobriety and getting her life straight and another child would be too much for her to handle. She said she considered abortion but she was getting back into church and is catholic and abortions are a big no no and she didn't want to live with that on her heart. She said she prayed for answers and adoption seemed to be where God was leading her. Then she met Bre, and Bre and De told her about me and so here she was - prayers answered. She wants to get to know me of course, I am over nighting my adoption portfolio in the morning. She said all her docs visits have been great too by the way and that her due date is OCT 10th, not September...just more time to get ready!

I am calling our lawyer in the morning. I am not sure if he does interstate adoptions.

She didn't sound like a crazy girl that was pulling my chain. She said she cried when they told her about me. She feels like a weight is off her shoulders.

She couldn't talk long, but said her children are being baptized on Sunday and she will have a pass, so she could call me to talk longer. So she will call me at 2 on Sunday. tap tap tap is it 2 yet?

What are the chances that there is some girl in a state a 1000 miles away has a baby in her belly and wants to give it up for adoption? Pretty good I guess. But what are the chances that that state be the state that some of the people I love the most ever live in? Still pretty high I guess. BUT, what are the chances that that girl would be in a rehab at the exact same time that one of the said beloved people's relative is there and knows that Scott and I want to adopt a baby???? What are the chances that her name would be Rebecca the same name of the woman that marries Isaac in the Bible - the same name we will give our son??? Not chances - God's hand. I believe that.

So yeah, cloud 9987938493897 right now. Even though I just threw up my veggie lo mien. Pray for this miracle. Pray that she likes us. Pray that our finances can handle the costs of adoption/travel. Pray she has an easy pregnancy. Pray if she does change her mind it is for all the right reasons. I won't hate her, I won't ever hate her. I already love her for the hope she has given to me. No matter how this goes, she is real. I heard her voice. Any other situation we have been presented with...the mother's were real but I never spoke to them, I never heard them choke up when talking about God sending someone to take care of their child.

Funny, I called Jami first...I promised :) Lena and John were in the car when I told her. I called Scott but wouldn't tell him on the phone. I called my mom...so funny, she cried like I was telling her I was pregnant. Kari called me and I told her. Then Scott came home and fussed because I was on the phone with Kari. So I made him sit in front of me and held his hand while I told him. With Jen and Chris hearing as we went. It is all just magical right now, I hope this feeling never ends.

P.S. Have I told you how much better life is with Jen and Chris in it. I think we have shared more, gotten closer in the last few weeks than I ever dreamed. Love that letting go and letting God makes things so much sweeter and easier.

Ok, gotta print our thingy out and add a few new things...such as a new baby :)

I love ya'll...thanks for being here for me .. always!

Am I Preachy?

I had a 'friend' blast me today for being preachy. For saying too many 'praise the Lord's' and pushing my beliefs down his throat. This really isn't pertaining to my blog I don't think because he was on Face.book. I don't know what others see of my posts there, and maybe I do post a lot there about His blessing...but is it too much I wonder. hmm I do love Jesus and love to tell people.

I am extremely tolerant of other's beliefs and while I am not ashamed of mine I try not to beat 'em to a pulp with it. I don't think I could be any other way. I would rather people see Christ in me by being nice and not over bearing...yet leaving no doubt on where I stand about God and my life with Him in it...or me in His.

Ironically, last night I got a message from a former high school classmate and I told him how his wife and I met on the computer when she sent me a message about appreciating my love for Christ and not being afraid to say it. We started talking and then realized that her husband and I knew each other. Then I woke up to those emails...got pretty ugly as well. I was told maybe I stepped on toes or something. Should I put a disclaimer on my blog or is the name and verse up top enough?

I was tempted to be hurt, because even though I don't share his beliefs I considered him a friend. But, I am a child of God. I hope that if it came down to it if I was required to give my life for Him that I would. While this wasn't life or death, it was sad for him to leave my friends list, and in the last mail from him he said I sent him links to sites about how he needed Jesus and needed to be saved. Hmm I don't have such links I don't think...but he said this to lump me into militant Christians who use extreme methods to bring people to Christ kicking and screaming. If I thought someone I loved could accept Christ that way...I might be so inclined but I don't think that way works.

Also ironic was that a friend and I were talking about cleaning up our friends lists...haha.

Off to eat, drink and be happy that the C word is off the table! YAY

Benign...

Love that word. I just got the call that the biopsy is benign. She called in Prover.a and even if the flow stops by the time I see the doctor on Thursday...probably still will have a d&c. Just so relieved...oo hate that C word.

Thank you all for your prayers and comments...so much appreciated!

Tomorrow...

I get the results of the biopsy. Praying that things are normal. IF (have to laugh at if) I am still bleeding tomorrow they will schedule a D&C. If I am not I will declare it a miracle :) He still does those! But, I am not sure I could go from full steam to nothing in the next 12ish hours.

A D&C at this point would be a relief just to get it over with...never thought I would want one. Have had many and fought to not have each and every one.

In other news... I am addicted to Facebook...it is official, I can't believe it. My friends list exploded sort of this weekend. I have discovered family, friends, old class mates, (yeah I guess old fits at this point) people I used to work with...and a few others. I have lunch plans in the works, a family get together with family that we see at funerals and such. Fellow student and I are gonna work to get our classmates together for a reunion of sorts. I found a cherished teacher/friend. She played the piano at my wedding - her brother played the trumpet. It is amazing how memories ease every day life stresses. Also, going through pictures and scanning some of my own..haha.

I am anxious about tomorrow, but God is in control and He will carry me through whatever valley or mountain I must endure.

Today we were heading to Scott's parents. I didn't feel like going, I don't think I have ever missed an Easter sunrise service or regular Easter Sunday service...but I just couldn't go. I missed my sweet baby Italy's dedication today as well. I can't sit for long or be far away from the bathroom for long due to Auntie Flow. SO OVER IT!

But, I was laying back in the seat...grumbling about the cramps and whatever else. Then I heard a song on the radio...wasn't familiar with it but a line of He died so I could live came across and tears filled my eyes. I was holding Scott's sweet hand and I squeezed it as I prayed...thanking God for giving me life, for taking my sin and making it possible for me to have salvation. Then I thanked Him for Scott. He knew that I would be where I am right now. He knew this 20 years ago before I met Scott that I would be in a valley. He knew that I needed Scott. He knew that I would struggle to make it day to day without someone that loved me like Scott does. Thank You!

Thank You Jesus for Scott, for his love, for his patience, for his sacrifices, for putting up with things and never grumbling. Scott amazes me daily. While the love that God has for me is amazing and indescribable....so is Scott's. God gave him a heart just for me.

He holds my hand any chance he gets.
He rubs my back every night.
He kisses me even when I am asleep - or he thinks I am.
He calls just to hear my voice.
He brings me a cranberry limeade from Sonic even when I don't ask.
He hangs a towel and washcloth on the bar everyday so I don't have to bend over to get one.
He washes clothes.
He makes sure I have a bottle of water every night.
He doesn't watch a movie he knows I would want to see until we can do it together.
He keeps a supply of ice pops in the freezer for me.
He makes sure I take my medications.
He makes me call the doctors when I don't want to.
He lets me listen to my music in the car.
He parks the car so I have a short walk to the door.
He holds out his hand to help me up the steps.
He never complains.
He hugs me anytime he catches me out of the bed.
He rubs my feet even when I don't ask.
He lets me put my cold feet on his skin to warm them up.
He takes the long way so we don't hit the big bump in the road.
He will drop everything to take me to the doctor or to bring me something to make me feel better.
He still loves me even though it seems I won't ever give him a baby.
He loves me.
He loves God.
He loves my family.
He loves our crazy pets.

I could go on and on...

Introducing

...Lyric Grace Lail

Ouch Charlie...

that really hurt! (I just love that video!)

I am sure that fire was flying from my eyes when I raised up on the bed, my feet in the stirrups and yelled..."STOP, NOW!"

The doctor must not be afraid of fire shooting from a hormonal, pissed off, cramping, living on day 18 of a period that should go down in the books of how a period should NOT be. Nope, she wasn't afraid she just kept on yelling back - we are there, almost...just a little more - BAM we got it.

So yeah it hurt, it sucked, I am angry, stressed, worried, in pain, the medication to get my cervix to dilate is still working and is causing cramping that I can't even explain.

YAY, tomorrow is Good Friday. Oh wait, not yay...means no results until Monday!!! So, no medications to stop the flow. Nothing. Then she tells me this which made my head spin and fire shoot out. Much more dramatic yet it still left her unphased...."Hope, if you are still bleeding when I call you on Monday we will have you come in and schedule a D&C." WHA?

I wish upon all my wishes she could have understood how much pain and discomfort I am in, how much I really would like to have spend Easter weekend somewhere else other than bed. Who can do anything when you bend, cough, yawn...breathe and you PAC (if you want to know what that is...I will tell you, but it isn't pretty!). So, I have to deal with this at a minimum of 4 more days.

A D&C would have ended this pretty quickly...even though I didn't really want one...the thought of sleeping it off and waking up tomorrow with it pretty much gone is uber appealing. SIGH

They did another blood draw, she said I was super pale and wanted to make sure my counts hadn't dropped. I am assuming they were ok or similar as I didn't get a call back.

She said my platelets were elevated too, as much as I don't want to google that....I know I will eventually. SMACK - google is bad.

Thank you for your prayers, for the messages, they meant so much and were what I needed to read. My faith sometimes is hard to maintain...but then I am reminded that HE is constant and when I am weak - He is strong.

Speaking of strong. Scott is amazing. He took today off. He held me this morning when I had a momentary loss of sanity. Here I was taking a pill that assists in making labor progress, and all I was birthing was a seemingly endless supply of blood.

No matter how hard this journey, no matter how things seem so unfair and so out of focus.

Scott is my soft place to land. He makes me realize I am so blessed already by his love. When I look at him life is clear as glass. He makes it all make sense. I love him!

Ok, gonna go try and study the inside of my eyelids for a few hours!

Did you know...

The hormonal balance shifts toward more progesterone during pregnancy. So having many pregnancies protects against endometrial cancer. Women who have never been pregnant (nulliparity) have a higher risk, especially if they were also infertile (unable to become pregnant).

So not only do we 'infertiles' have the pressure of not being able to get pregnant...we also get to deal with the dark cloud of the dreaded 'C' word following us around, knocking on our doors with a chance of becoming a reality.

I bragged a little too soon about the normal periods I was having.
What feels like a 3 month period had me make a work in appointment today with my gyno.
Unable to do much of an examination due to the carnage (sorry TMI), we have scheduled a biopsy for Thursday. yay

So I have to take Cytotec to cause my cervix to open because my last biopsy done in 2005 was unsuccessful due to never being pregnant, never having a baby...causes my cervix to be difficult to get into/past to get to the tissue they want to biopsy. I explained to her that the last biopsy was cancelled and they did a D&C because of the pain and the cervix issue, so she suggested the Cytotec and a local. yay again

I passed out Monday, from blood loss the doctor expected...or stress...or the combination of the two.

She did a CBC (complete blood count) and most of it was normal. But my WBC (white blood cells) were extremely high and she gave me a few possible reasons. The only one I care to accept is an infection of some sort.

She told me my risk factors for C.
-family history - my sister just had ovarian cancer surgery.
-over weight...oh goody, something I could have controlled supposedly.
-infertility...no comment needed.
-lack of pregnancies/births...see above.
something else, can't remember number 5.

I couldn't ask questions, couldn't object to the biopsy...by doing the biopsy instead of the D&C I have to wait until Thursday to do it. The office is closed on Friday so no news until Monday. No meds to stop the bleeding or the cramping or the 'infection' until we get results...so no Easter for me.

The exam drained the life right out of me, I was mortified. When she told me to get undressed I couldn't have imagined how bad things would go. From the moment I removed my clothes until the moment I finally made it to the bed with the less than flattering paper tank top...there was a trail. Mortified x 10 when I had to be positioned and looked down at my foot in the stirrup to see a bright red quarter sized spot on my lily white socks. Then the event of trying to get dressed again while not in a bathroom to really be able to clean up was a joy as well. Yeah, fun day.

When Scott came to get me I could barely even talk to him about it. He tried to tell me not to think about it until we have some results, to claim the outcome we want and not think of anything else until Monday. Okie dokie. I am tired. I just don't know hot much more I can take.

What made it even worse. This is the new doctors office I was going to see at the end of the month. I walk in and the lobby was filled with pregnant women and their husbands. All rubbing their bellies like they were buddah. I walk up to the counter and got my paperwork and when I returned it, I was offered the chance to win this big ole baby bundle of goodies including a play pen kind of thing with tons of stuff in it. "You could win it for your baby" the receptionist said...I looked behind me like she was talking to someone else and then just totally ignored her even as she pushed the raffle ticket towards me. I bent it as I pushed it back. UGH

Baby/pregnancy/parenting magazines E V E R Y W H E R E!

Sitting there like my inside lady parts were gonna fall out at any moment paled in comparison to the feeling that my heart would fall out as well.

When I got back to Lena's though...there were the kids. They asked me how I was feeling and I said ok, but hungry. Caleb said "Well you would have thought since you were there so long they would have at least gave you crackers and a juice box!" How could I not smile at that.

Chirsten wasn't feeling well, but found a comfy spot on my lap for a little while.

But, Caleb in particular was all over me, smooching and hugging. We played polar bowler and every time he got a strike he would kiss me softly on the cheek, he whispered you have great cheeks Hopie, they are soft like my ear lobes. He has super soft chubby ear lobs like his uncle Scooter and his daddy. I LOVE to rub his, Scott won't let me much because he is afraid they will stretch or something...so silly. Caleb won't let his be rubbed much either, but today he let me. One time he thought it was Chirsten and pulled away and when he saw it was me he said ohh Hopie you can do it. I cherish him....both of them. I think God made them just for me sometimes, I guess their parents might beg to differ.

So, not knowing will be the worst part for the next few days. I know Who holds all the answers. Sometimes I wish I could peak at my plan, just to know.

*I wasn't gonna blog about this. I just wasn't. Not yet. but I needed prayers and I can't get them from my mother - I just can't tell her, I can't worry her like that until I know what is going on. Also, I don't know if pain medications do anyone else like this...but I pop my pain med to go to sleep and probably 90% of the time it makes me chatty, it makes me emotional, it winds me up for about an hour or so. Then when it hits..bam I am out.