time flies...

Five.

Five years today we lost you.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday we were planning, preparing for you - then just as easy as going to sleep the night before, waking up October 9th, 2009 and it was over.

I still pray and think of you every day.  I pray she loves you as much as I do.  I wonder if you like school.  I pray someone is sharing the love of Jesus with you.  I pray this pain would go away.

I don't know why we were put in this spot, why we still are childless.  People take for granted hearing the words mommy or daddy coming out of their childs mouth.  What I would give to hear a child calling for his daddy and that daddy being Scott.

five, this day doesn't get easier.  Even though we have started our journey into fostering - hopefully adopting someday soon.

I go back and read all my posts from the day we found out about you until...October 11th, 2009.  I shouldn't, I am the poster child for the ugly cry.  I think it is harder this year...daddy not being here.

5

five....time flies!!

This post was the hardest to read, to feel...

My pocket full of memories....they're here

***I was searching for a date, funny how I can come here and find out when something happened...and it is usually here.  Then I found this. It was originally posted June, 2009.  I can't stop the tears, I miss him so much.  Every word was true - I could have wrote so much more.  Isaac never came.  No child ever came.  Even if a miracle happened and God gave us a dozen...they won't know him.  They will know of him, but they won't experience him.  sigh.  

s i g h

I miss you.  The surgery was fine, but I was so apprehensive to even have it without you there to wrap your soft but rough hands around mine and pray over your baby girl.  No one can pray like you do poppy.  I miss you...yeah, I said that already.  ***

My mother even tells that I am a daddy's girl. From the time I was a little girl I can remember loving time with him. Some of my earliest memories of daddy/daughter time was centered around fishing. That love is still there.



I was two or three and he took me fishing and I was restless. So he handed me the carton of worms (yeah...grosses me out to think about it too now) and I took them and tied them into knots - not enough to kill or hurt them...just sweet lil knots. He tells the story to this day, always with a big smile on his face.

I love to watch him throw this net to catch shad...he is so good at it! Santee Cooper in SC is his favorite place to fish!

When my hands got big enough to take fish off the hooks, he taught me how. He was so proud of me when I took my first crappie off the hook. But, he has never let me take my catfish off - he has always been so scared of me getting stung. He has four sons, but his favorite fishing buddy has always been me.


There are so many wonderful things I love about my poppy. He has this fierce love for his family and will do anything within his power to take care of us. He is so smart, he is creative and boy he has a talent for growing vegetables. He has such a giving heart, everything he grows he shares with anyone who needs it. So many qualities about him just makes you love him. But most of all - he loves God. He has served our Lord in so many ways in his life time. Growing up he took us to church any time the doors were open. He pastored a church for all of my childhood and most of my adulthood. He got the family together and we sung at different churches, he would come home from work and no matter how tired we went to sing or to hear him preach.






To hear him pray is so heart touching, he just pours his heart out. When I am sick, I still call him and ask him to either pray with me or to come and pray over me.


His voice is shaky now, but he used to have this strong singing voice. He has a little lisp too...which is so cute.


He is 77 now, he doesn't pastor but he still preaches. His health is not so good, but twice a week he goes to the prison to teach and preach with the inmates. Once a month he goes on Sunday night to sing and preach a message to them. Monday nights he has a Bible study at the house, he is a Revelation know it all sometimes :) He works harder now than he did when he was younger!! But, it keeps him busy and going. He loves it. His heart is with the prisoners who are in a place that Mark was at. He wishes someone had been there like that for Mark.

He takes a stand and isn't afraid to defend it, but he also is open to the fact that he can be wrong. But, if it is Bible based - you will have a fight on your hands to change his mind.


He is my hero in so many ways. He is the only one that can call me Hopeless and really get away with it. He is a hugger. He calls out of the blue just to see how I am and say "I love you". He is tender hearted, and hurts when I hurt. To see the tears in his eyes on Mother's day when he announced that his baby girl was celebrating her first mother's day was enough to make me cry again just thinking about it.


My water pipes break - call daddy.
My car has a problem - call daddy.
My A/C is acting up - call daddy.
My heart is hurt - call daddy.
My prayers feel useless - call daddy.
Time to go fishing - call daddy.
Need some green beans - call daddy.
Want some love - call daddy.


What is wonderful as well - Scott loves him just as much. And my daddy loves him too. They could have been father and son. They both love fishing, working on cars, piddling with things.


Today, my poppy was the oldest father in church. In my eyes, and Scott's...he was the best as well. I love him. There are no words to express how much it means that Isaac is coming soon so I can share my poppy with him. That little boy will know how much my daddy loves him and how much I hope he gets to learn how to take a fish off the hook and learns all about Jesus from his poppy.

He can be so silly!

He loves his family so much - this is a bunch of us - not all!

This old house...

Mother's Day brings me back every year. It's like an old empty house, full of memories - good and bad, pictures are still hung and but for the cobwebs and dust bunnies you would almost think someone still lives here. It's that old house you just cant bring yourself to tear down.

I read back through all those tears and see that all were not sad or miserable ones. I did meet some wonderful friends on here. I would have rather met them at some mommy and me class...but, yeah. Still, just a woman here. OK, I am a wife, daughter, friend, aunt...the list goes on and on . But, still...that one precious, prized, beautiful title is still not mine add to the list.

Until that morning of Mother's day, I still don't know if I will darken the doors of church.  But, this year was different.  My daddy wasn't there to honor my mom, if my absence from the service made her feel alone.  It was her first, our first Mother's day without him.  I stayed up late, not feeling good.  I still had every intention of going.  I hear my phone ring at 10 a.m. and it was mom, asking if I could pick up one of her great grand babies.  I forgot to set my alarm.  We jump out of bed, knowing we would be late - church is a good 50 minutes from our house.  We get there about 11:30, but still we were there.  All of her sons were there, which made me feel so much better.

I loved going to mom and dad's church, they have an awesome preacher and everyone is always so nice.  The distance from our house - didn't love that so much.  We haven't joined a church, but have one that we feel most at home in from any church we have visited.  Daddy really liked the preacher, so did mom.  But, we have tried to go with mom some...that is her church, her and daddy started that church.  I walk in and see him everywhere.  Not always a good thing, get me crying or emotional and it takes a lot to make it stop :/

The service this mother's day was easier.  We got there late, missed all the "will all the moms stand up so we can show you some appreciation", "such a gift from God being a momma", "here's a rose for all the mothers" and "here's a pity rose for those that aren't".  OK, they don't actually say it...but, that is what it is.  Except, the year we were supposed to get Isaac, my sweet Daddy took a rose from the basket, gave it to me with tears in his eyes and told the church that it was my first Mother's day.  Then...well, you know the rest of the Isaac story.

I sat down in the pew behind mom.  Todd, Illan and Ida Hope were sitting with her.  Ida came scampering around to sit with us and jumped on my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck so tight.  She didn't just let go, she held it there for what seemed like forever.  It felt so good.  She had no clue that my tears were falling down her pigtail onto my arm.  Then just as fast as she got to me, she was on Scott's lap waiting for me to find some markers and paper in my Bible for her.  Illan come back and hugged me too...then they both sat and drew on paper.

We took mom out for lunch, then home...we saw Scott's mom on Saturday.  It always takes my breath away, but Scott is like a hit of oxygen.

Looking back through the Mother's days that I have documented on here...seems they all had been similar except for the year we thought we were getting Isaac.  I still don't understand why God chose not to let us have a baby, adopt Isaac or all the road blocks with fostering.  (road blocks, nothing legal or with DSS really....Scott has had surgeries the last 2 years in July, I had 2 surgeries, my dad passed away, finances...just something happens to keep us from classes or the home study to be delayed every time we start the process it seems).

I think I am OK, I have begged Christ to take the desire to be a mother from me so it wouldn't be so painful.  No. Such. Luck.  But, some things are not as bad as others.

But, the sting of hearing of babies that have been so mistreated by their parents, or aborted before they even got here...when God could have put them with us and my oh my the devotion they would have gotten.  Then there is seeing the teens pregnant, women who don't want or don't need a baby let alone multiple ones...that is just as hard to handle as it was 10 years ago.  Then to hear the well meaning people telling us it is all in God's plan.  GULP

But, I think I am going to open the windows, clear the cobwebs and dust a little in this old house and visit more often.  Writing has always been a way to let off steam or just get the feelings out and see how silly they were...or how valid.

I know I have some blogs to catch up on, I have seen a few and wow...so happy they have had such success and their journeys have finally exited the same ole highway and they aren't empty any longer.  I know there have been people praying for us from here and have never stopped.  We are so thankful for faithful friends - near and far.

**last years snow**

Hope...makes everything brighter

We settled on our house! We made an offer, it was accepted. Now we are just jumping through the hoops until we close.

The closing is set for the 15th, hoping it happens sooner than that! We have to move out of the house we are leasing by Thursday...so yeah, we are scrambling.

Some crazy things are happening in our lives right now. Crazy in a good way. Unexpected to say the least. I anticipated hearing one thing, and heard something completely different. Hope has snuck into our lives. It hasn't been there, in this area anyways for a long time.

You are more confused now than ever huh? Well, until we know more - we just don't want to put it all out there. Soon though...I really, completely suck (for lack of a better word) at keeping a secret. I get that from my mamma. God love her, some of the worse arguments between her and dad were at Christmas...she just couldn't keep a secret, wanted us to open our gifts way early. My dad was hard nosed about it though, would make us wait until Christmas morning. What he didn't know is mom would tell us what some of them were lol. Well, that and Mark and I would always untape to see what they were, then perfectly retape them back. ahaha...good ole days.

Hope, it is contagious. The few we have shared this...thing...with are hopeful. I promised myself I would be cautiously hopeful - not letting the hope of it all consume me. Well, I suck at keeping promises too it seems! I get giddy thinking about it. The few I have told are giddy when we talk about it, it is so funny. So refreshing. God has a plan. He still does miracles. I am asking for mine, for me and Scott.

We are really liking a church we have been visiting. Oxford Baptist in Conover. I will always miss Grand Strand though. Scott and I have always been 'in' church, but GSB was in us. The people, the pastor, the programs...we wanted to go to church every time the doors were open. We felt His spirit there, we knew from the first visit that this was our church. We met our best forever friends there. But, the commute from Newton, NC to Myrtle Beach, SC is a little much...so we have prayed for God to send us to our new church. This church's choir is even called the Jubilee Choir :) Same as Grand Strand!

Speaking of Jubilee...it is coming up soon, I can't wait. This is the 5th or 6th we have been to. Pray for my mom, she hasn't been feeling so well. I want her to go so bad, we always have such a good time. The last time we went, we walked out on the beach and with tears she said this might be the last time she would see the ocean. I want to prove her wrong!

Thank you all for keeping in touch and praying for me. It means so much.

Hello

I saw a picture of him today. When all of this happened, a friend randomly searched for her on facebook and found her. It was just her picture, everything else was hidden. Then...today.

My friend sent me a note asking if I would want to see a picture of him if there was one available. I was puzzled, but thought it was just a hypothetical question. I didn't know how to answer at first.

I sat back and thought about it. I still think about him every day. I miss him every day.

I came to believe that maybe the purpose of all of this was that he would have someone to pray for him every day. Maybe God knew that this baby boy wouldn't have someone to pray for him and pray for him like a mother would for a son they loved with all their heart. I have had to cling to that, to believe that there had to be a purpose for all this pain and loss. Sometimes it helps...sometimes it doesn't.

I have had this picture in my mind and heart of what he would look like, how he has grown. I just didn't know if I wanted it to change.

I clicked on the link and closed my eyes.
Then before I could see, I closed my laptop.

I took the dog outside and prayed about it, cried. Just wondering if he was chubby or smiling? Soo much I contemplated.

I came back in and sat down, opened my lap top back up and there he was with his brother. I am not just saying this but he looked like the Isaac in my mind.

He looked happy. He looked healthy. He is beautiful.

Sure, this all opened up the flood gates. This time last year we were getting excited. I had already been thinking even more about him. Last years trip to see R and my friends and how all that turned out.

We are preparing for a yard/garage sale and I found a box of things I had bought for R and her son. I had forgotten about this box. I read the letter I had written to R and her mom. How this would be the first of many as we shared in Isaac's life. A wrapped box with Thomas the Trains in it, a delicate bag that had a necklace with a cross and a few other little things. I loved her. I really did. I had imagined all this big future with her family and ours sharing in his life. How close her and I would be. I learned my lesson, am more cautious with people.

The anger is gone mostly, it still hurts. I think it always will. I know we will never know what really happened. I have no intentions of contacting her. I pray she is still clean and loving her boys. I pray they are happy, that every day she appreciates the blessings that God has given her.

On a side note, I am going to post here more often. I am going to update the blog and how it looks. I am starting one for my photography business which is growing. So, it won't all be sad faces and what ifs anymore. My life is better, fuller and I am praying for a better and fuller future for Scott and I.

Thanks for praying for me. For the notes in my email and here. Sometimes it is the little things that make the big things better.

Hope

Last mother's day...

I thought it was the last mother's day that my arms would be empty. I thought it was the first of many happy and full 0f mommy's and ... well, full. (last year's post on this day.. ) He should be here.

My bed was full of babies last night - real ones and the one in my heart, Chirsten and Caleb spent the night. The occasional kick in the head or stomach wasn't what kept me awake and just staring at them. Touching their faces. Crying. Wishing.

I got up and went and sat by the pool, chilly at 6 am this morning but quiet.

I can't do this day today. I thought I could. I was so busy yesterday with photo's and family. Then the quiet came, let in the sadness of what has surrounded this day for years and here I sit. Of course, the first place I come to is this blog which I have avoided at all costs. But, reading back all the pain of infertility and Isaac is here. Then for a brief interlude...there was the hope of Isaac.

I HATE HATE HATE this.


On another note, I am sorry I dropped off the face of the earth. Sometimes ignoring it all will make it seem less tangible. Then days like this happen. My facebook full of Happy Mother's days. Full of people sending me mother's day flowers?!? (on FB)

I want to start a new blog, one that is happy and full of rainbows and puppies. But all this is real. It has been a diary of sorts for a long time. Not sure what to do but I met some women who prayed me through all of this. (well, not met in person but...I sure felt like it at times)

Thank you Jill for thinking about me, I got your message this morning...meant so much.

Happy (insert here what you will) Day!

Hope

when it rains.........it snows a blizzard!

I am still alive and kicking. Scott is still the rock I lean on, everyday I realize how God sent him to me - no doubt. I couldn't imagine loving anyone else more than I love Scott. And he tolerates me so well :)

As Christmas gets closer, my heart and mind drifts to the shoulda's. He is almost 3 months now. I remember Lyric at 3 months. *I thought I could type this out fully, but I can't. This shouldn't be so raw still, makes me angry at me for still feeling so much about it all. This really sucks!

Last friday night, Scott and I took mom and Sara out for dinner. As we were leaving mom tripped over some cement and fell and broker her shoulder. Fortunate it was a clean break so no surgery. Bad part is it will take 4-6 months to heal.

I brought her and dad to our house so she doesn't have to do much. She can't if she wanted to. She is in so much pain, but puts on a brave face for most everyone.

We no soon as got her settled that a blizzard hit NC. C R A Z Y! Snowed all day. 10ish inches. It is so beautiful. We rarely see this much in a year much less one day.

I will post some pictures when I am home on my computer. We are having Christmas dinner at our house since mom is down. I really am excited.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas. Praying that everyone remembers our Savior is the reason for this season. Praying for all who have felt the sting of the economy, the sadness of loss or who's health is failing. Praying for those who have reach out to those who don't.

Merry Christmas from Scott and I!

Just having a hard time today. I can't get him off my mind. Before we lost him, all I could think of was how full our lives were going to be. How thanksgiving was going to mean so much more.

I wanna crawl in a hole and wake up around February. I am about to put a ban on TV until Christmas is over. The commercials get me the most! The one where the husband gives his wife a gift while she feeds their baby. Celebrating their first family Christmas. SIGH!

I hate sounding like a sour puss all the time, I really am happy most of the time. But, I guess lately my blog has been where I dump those sad, dark, angry feelings.

Scott and I discussed surrogacy lately. The costs of in vitro are staggering. We can't see putting so much money into it and it isn't for sure. Kind of like adoption I guess. I thought it was safer financially and emotionally to do adoption instead of continuing fertility treatments or trying surrogacy with in vitro.

We asked someone to carry a baby for us, Scott's sperm and her egg. I knew the chances were slim and wasn't suprised when the answer was no. It hurt, but I can't be angry. I like to think I would do it for someone that I loved.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving. I am thankful. For family, friends and all the normal things. But, most of all I am thankful for His grace. For His faithfulness. For His love for me that covered my sins when He died on the cross. Thankful for His gift if salvation and for keeping me safe in the palm of His hand - noone can pluck me from it.

I am thankful for you too!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Here...

We went to Jubilee and it was great. The services were wonderful, music uplifting. I was there with some women from my family. Some Christian women! As wonderful as the services were, I needed to be with family. I needed to spend time with Scott and my mom.

I needed to soak up the miracle of the ocean. It still takes my breath when I see it after being away for a while.

But even more than that, I needed my friends. They will never know what our time together meant. I wish I could bottle up the healing properties that their friendship gives me. I could use a dose today. The time was too short. No quick walk across the street to our house after dinner. Tears choked back until their house faded from sight. Then they rolled, both of us.

I loved playing and laughing with Colin. He has always been a huggy, loving boy. Jack Henry didn't really care I was there. He is all about his mom and dad. Well, not true!!! While I was chopped liver, Scott was obviously chocolate cake with sprinkles! He held out his sweet chubby hands for Scott, and Scott happily obliged! I thought it was a fluke, but it continued to the next day. So sweeet!

Scott will be such a great daddy. SIGH

But, we are home now. We are better. Still every day there is something that makes me miss what could have been. Silly Christmas commercials. I think about what to get family/friends kids and it just makes me sad.

I should have been showing off our miracle to my church and at the hospital while we were at the beach! I think I am ok and then I think of something like that. GRR

We have decided to foster while we wait for God to send us our child/ren. We have found a bigger house that would be perfect. God just has to make it all happen. The house has happened, and we move in on the 1st. 4 bedrooms, 3 baths and a great big fenced in yard with a play area and a pool. It is so exciting, scary but exciting.

I love him. Scott that is. I know I would never be able to handle these trials had God not sent me Scott. Sometimes when I think of all that I have been through...I feel guilty for complaining because I am so blessed with Scott. Some never find the love that we have, I have family and friends who haven't. I should be thankful for what I have and not complain...sigh.

We have our classes in January for foster care. Scott and I both believe this is a path we should be on. I know the potential for heartbreak is so real and very possible. I know that I will fall in love with every child we come in contact with. But, the prospect of showing a child so much love, Jesus and what family really means...if even for a little while makes the rest worth it.

As far as Rebecca goes...I haven't done anything else. I haven't investigated any more, I have tried my best to not even think about her. But, then a dark haired girl with a new baby walks in front of me at Target and I wonder...UGH! I know it can't be, but could it? She knows where I live. Makes me angry again for giving her my information, all of it.

I pray for him. Every day, several times a day. I ache for him all the time. I hope the ache eases soon. I keep thinking once the holidays pass it will be easier. Then my birthday...if we get past that...then it will be easier. I remember when my brother died, it took getting past all the firsts, and then the healing really began.

I am sorry I haven't posted lately, I stay with an elderly lady and have taken on more days in the last few weeks. I think it is partly due to the fact she has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember why I am sad or cry. I look into her eyes and there is no pity or hurt for us, she just sees the last 5 minutes.

I still go back and read all of the support I have gotten, that got me through the hardest time of this. I will never be able to repay all the kindness I have received. Thank you again.

Speaking of Sara, I better get off here and get ready...headed to her house in a few. I wish she had internet, but what would an 86 year old do with it. We barely have cellular signal there! In the boonies.

If I don't get on here before then...Happy Thanksgiving. No matter what I have so much to be thankful for.

waiting for our Ram

My friend Kari sent me this and I have read and re-read it. She is such a good friend, love her!

She said she was breathless while she read it, so was I. Being reminded that God was working good for me, brought me some peace. I lost sight of anything good.

We took a little ride (over 8 hours) on the Blue Ridge Parkway from Asheville to VA, and good started seeping in. Patchwork quilt of colors. There were beautiful views and up there on top of Mt. Mitchell I felt closer physically and spiritually to my sweet Savior.

We came home and things hadn't changed here, raining inside and out. Hard to believe God was in this place. Hurt everywhere.

Then, the prayers and words of comfort began to bring healing and peace. If you had asked me this time last week if I would be feeling any kind of healing and I would have adamantly said NO!! But, Gods time not my own.

Have I found forgiveness for her and what she did? NO! But, God says I have to. I was told by someone who knew her that she did have a baby, just a week later.

Another friend told me that maybe God brought me into his life to pray for him like a mother would for her son. And maybe He knew I would everyday, everyday.

I want to make her pay, I want to make her hurt like we have. I would really like to punch her in the face. I would LOVE to snatch every hair out of her head. That is my flesh talking.

All I can think about is him. My Isaac, who she calls Camdon. His little life will be so full of grief if she continues in the path she has chosen. I can't make it any worse. No matter what I do, he is not going to magically be handed over to Scott and I. Vengeance is His.

I have stopped praying for boils, I have started praying for her to find a different path - one that leads her to Jesus. He is the only way she will get peace and healing. I pray she loves him and Jacob and Mayson with a mothers heart. I pray she never has a desire to do drugs again. I pray that she never finds the strength to carry on such an evil thing for 6 months like she did with us. I pray God lays it on her heart to tell us the why's and the I'm sorries.

This devotion touched me and Scott. It gave me more breath than it took. While I don't know what is coming up the other side of the mountain, I know my God will mend Scott and I. We are stronger in our relationship than ever - I never knew we could love each other more.

Know that we are healing and it is because you lifted us up in prayer and He heard them.

"So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, 'On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided.'" Genesis 22:14 (NIV)

Have you ever been in a situation so desperate that it looked hopeless?Have you ever sat at the kitchen table wondering how you were going to pay the electric bill? Have you ever stood at a door that's been slammed in your face by an angry teenager and despaired at ever having a relationship with him again? Have you ever had your heart broken so deeply that you wondered if you would ever feel whole again?

Sadly, we live in a broken world where desperate situations happen every day. I know someone reading this devotion is wondering how she will make it through the day because her situation looks hopeless. If that is you, I encourage you to keep reading. I believe God has a message of hope for you today's message is found in the Bible, in the story of a man who was dealing with his own desperate situation.

His name was Abraham and he faced the greatest testing of his life. After longing for a son for many years, God finally gave Abraham a boy, whom he named Isaac. Abraham never imagined God would test his faith by asking him to sacrifice his son. But it happened t had to have been the darkest day of Abraham's life as he trudged up the mountain, with firewood strapped to his son's back.

Every step took Abraham closer to what he believed to be the sad ending of a hopeless situation – the death of his son. Yet in spite of his sorrow, Abraham trusted God. His heart wasn't soaring with joy. He wasn't dancing up the mountain. But he put one foot in front of the other. Walking through the darkness of the situation; obeying His God's commands.

Unbeknownst to Abraham, something else was walking up that mountain. Quietly. Out of sight. On the other side of the mountain. Something else was putting one foot in front of the other. Only Abraham couldn't see it. For every step Abraham took, a ram on the other side of the mountain took a step .

All Abraham saw that day was his solitary journey of pain. As he got closer to the top of the mountain, his dread must have increased. I wonder if he asked himself any questions. I would have. I would have wondered why hadn't God intervened? Why hadn't God stopped this testing? Couldn't God see that Abraham was a man of faith? Why test him in this way?

But there was no answer. There was no voice from heaven. And so Abraham kept obeying his God's command. He put Isaac on an altar and prepared to sacrifice his one and only son. And just at that very moment, at the very last second, when it looked like the end had come, God spoke, stopping the sacrifice. Abraham looked up and there caught in the thicket was a ram. Abraham took his son off the altar, replaced him with the ram, and offered the sacrifice to God.

Abraham named that place "Yahweh-Yireh" or "The Lord Will Provide." And the story was written down for generations of God-followers to read. It was written so that you and I today would read it as we face our own hopeless situations. It was captured in print so that you and I would know that God is already planning for our provision. We don't see it. We don't hear it. But we can trust that our God is at work. On your behalf, and on mine. I choose to trust God today. A ram is on the way.

Dear Lord, You know how desperate I am today. You know that my faith has wavered. Although I want to trust You, I'm having trouble doing so. I ask for Your intervention in my situation, and for an increase of my faith while I wait. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Real or no real?

Don't feel like you are wrong for mourning the loss of a baby that might not have ever existed. You loved him and now he is gone. That is a real loss.

A friend sent me this just a few minutes ago. I have been struggling with this. How to respond to some who think this is not a big deal and we should just move on. Some close friends, some family...I have just withdrawn from to a point; and not giving many the opportunity to love us through this, be there for us...just in case they are one of those who make this pain seem trivial.

I sent an email to my niece Misti, who has really been there for me and feels our pain.

Here is part of it...

I just wanted to say thanks for the calls. I don't know how to talk about it to family. Anyone really. For the most part, people have been supportive and understanding. But, there have been a few who have been a bit insensitive. A few people, who have not called, emailed, came by nothing. I don't know what hurts more.


Some I know think of this loss as a death. That is unequivocally how we feel. He should be 4 days old, laying in his daddy's arms. I should be exhausted from all that comes with being a new mom - not exhausted from tears and sadness. My phone should be exploding from all the pictures and messages and phone calls. He was real. No matter what Rebecca may have done, if she was really pregnant or not...Isaac was really in our hearts, our lives. He has a room, he has stuff, he was real. Maybe not in IL, but in NC he was real.


I don't know how to heal from it. I can't have a funeral. I can't go visit a grave.

I felt like a mom, everything in me was prepared. Heart, soul, body...every ounce of me screamed MOMMY! I pictured in my mind future things that a mommy would plan. His first Halloween. We ordered him a Superman costume. It was a surprise for Scott. Super hero freak he is - I knew he would love it. I planned for only mom and dad, John and Lena being here the day we came home from IL. I wanted them to be the first to hold, love on and spend time with their long awaited grand baby.

I had planned the dedication service down to the music. I wanted to have it at Gilboa, late afternoon with all sorts of candles. Yellow roses, lilies and babies breath filling the whole church with their sweet fragrance. Daddy already agreed to dedicate him to God. John was going to say a prayer and mom was going to sing Consider the Lilies. I wanted to come back here, to his home and have all our families come and eat and share in our new life. I pictured the church so pretty with all our family there. No division for a few hours, just all our families loving our son. Their grandson, nephew, cousin...and now all I picture is this blackness. Emptiness.

I am clueless how to be. How to respond to people who have the mind frame that he wasn't real, I should just get over it. The 'well, at least you didn't get all the way up there. The God has a plan ones get me too. I know He has a plan, I know that He has something in store for us. I just am not to that place where I can accept that Isaac wasn't our plan. For 6 months he was.


We have to get our lives back to some resemblance of normalcy. But, we are not there. My friends who have experienced miscarriages have told me it doesn't happen overnight. They tell me it takes some form of closure which I hope to get. I need to know if she was ever pregnant. I want to know the whys and hows, but I NEED to know if he was ever part of this world. I am not sure how we are going to find out for sure, but I have been sleuthing, my friends have been searching and somehow we will find out.

But, right now I am still in the hurting/grieving stage. Anger hasn't taken over yet. Don't get me wrong, anger is here and is ugly...but, I will get out of this pit and get back to living.

We have this very real pain and having trouble finding the how to book on dealing with it. Don't ask me to write it, I am sucking at dealing with it right now. I think I have permanent wrinkles in my butt from being in bed so much the last 2 days. The weather - I hope - is to blame for my back pain increasing substantially.

Thank you all so much for every positive, encouraging comment - not one negative one. I have gotten so many emails and so many texts that have made me feel somewhat validated to be grieving.

P.S. Burt, Leslie...I love you.

Scott's thoughts...

Scott may shoot me for putting this out there... He typed this on his facebook page. It took me 2 days to read it all. I would start and something would tear me up and I would have to stop.

I love him Lord, a beautiful reminder of how much God loves me - to give me Scott. I don't deserve him.

I've refrained from Posting much about what has happened but maybe laying down my thoughts even on virtual paper will help.

Let me start by saying Hope is my everything and first and foremost I hurt for her. Beautiful words right? then that selfish side of everyone gets me and I feel bad for me, I saw myself as a father finally holding my son in my arms, showing him how to work on cars, how to work on computers, passing my knowledge and love on to him. Now I look around and see a house in the midst of getting ready for that dream and know that dream has been destroyed.

My heart tries to rip from my chest every time I pass the door of the room that was to be Isaac's, I think of the things I wanted to say to him, things I wanted to do with him and the world spins and I have to hold to something to keep me steady mustn't show Hope that I am weak she needs me now more then ever! I must bury this hurt and focus on her I must drown her sorrows in my love so that her hurt lessens, there will be time later for me to work on my pain I'm a man after all, we are strong right? Then how come I don't feel strong I feel like a small frighten child who has lost something that was so dear to him, pain wells again must fight back the tears of despair, I refuse to add to Hope's misery by showing how much I hurt.

How can a person be so evil? Rebecca was I thought an angel sent from God to deliver onto us the child we have so desperately wanted and tried to have for the last 20 years, instead she has transformed in to a demon, a creature of pure evil who would dangle the precious form of our hopes and dreams in front of us and as we reach for it snatch it away laughing that flame spewing laugh like you see in some bad horror movie. I want to be that gallant white knight who rides in to save the poor people being terrorized, but what happens when its the white knight that is being terrorized by the beast, who saves him?

Life seems so dim and dark right now, the only brightness being my wife and Gods love. Isaac was/is my son, but Isaac is no more, if he ever was, we still are not sure about that one, God gives you only as much as you can bear right? Then how come I fear I can't bear this? Can you have a funeral for a dream? Or does that dream die and resurrect into a nightmare that stalks you forever?

I promised Hope that we will get through this together and I keep my promises but it doesn't stop the hurt and pain in her or in me, it merely helps her to cope with it, I have yet to get to the coping stage its more of the find a deep hole in my soul and bury it stage, did I mention that the deep hole was already there? Rebecca dug it out for me in my heart.

I pray I can cope as well as Hope. She calls me her rock but what she doesn't realize is she is my planet she puts my feet on solid ground and helps me stay rooted with out her I fear I would float off into space and never return to reality. I have vowed to God, to Hope, to everyone that this monstrous act would not stop us we will have a child and I promise to God and everyone who reads my drivel that he/she will be special and he/she will have as much of the goodness of the Lord as a human can have, enough I hope to out weight the evil that has been done to us.

Psalms 34:18 The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

One day at a time

I never dreamed I would get so much support. It humbles me and it brings healing.

I don't know if this rebecca is the same as the one quite a few have sent me pictures, info about. I am going to send a picture to my friends daughter who actually met her and see what she thinks. From the picture I have (side shot of her face with glasses - can't really tell much), it doesn't look the same - but it is so hard to tell. I remember when all the April Rose stuff was happening. That won't happen to me. Never - NEVER say NEVER!!

Scott and I had to get out of the house. Had to get away from all the gifts and his room and all the reminders of Isaac. Sunday we should have been on the way to IL. His bag was packed. His blanket from his grandmother was laying across his bag. We reluctantly went to a family pig picking (I consider Gary family). It was hard. Tears fell. The pig picking in the spring - Scott and I couldn't wait for the fall one hoping we would be home with our son. We sat with family, all their kids. It was hard. Thank God for big sun glasses. My brother Todd came and hugged me, he just let me cry. Lisa, my sister in law was so tender and loving. A lady, who was the secretary from my elementary school came and hugged me. A girl I went to school with at Salem was there. I hadn't seen her in years and years, but 4 days earlier I saw her at Fatz and we caught up some - me telling her all about our trip and God blessing us with a son. Her face quickly drained and like most, she didn't have much more to say but I am so sorry. Fortunately, the story got around so most didn't ask.

We went home, home to the place where we expected to hear him cry for his bottle, have his first laugh, say his first words. I sat there and the silence really was deafening. I thought I would go to bed early and the pain would just go away. Instead, I lay there thinking about Rebecca and trying to make truth out of her lies. Trying to figure out how I am wrong and she really is giving us Isaac. All of it ended with anger and tears.

I even text her at one point that we would be there. Knowing we wouldn't, but I wanted to put a little fear into her. This was in response to her asking me if I wanted her to send pictures after he was born on my phone! I said no, we would be there and you would have thought I zapped her with a tazer. She shot back a text so fast, telling me she needs to know for sure so she can put me on the list at the hospital or I wouldn't be able to see the baby or her. WHAT!?!?! I said FOR SURE! Put us on the list. Then I reminded her that the patient advocate had already told me she would have Scott and I a room if the L&D wasn't full. She said we would see. I told her that way we both could have quality time with Isaac. She then told me that I was being pushy!!!! That she hasn't signed anything yet and she could spend all the time she wanted with him - I think she was believing her own lies!! She never sent another text.

Monday morning I couldn't resist telling her it was cold in IL - that wasn't a lie! Nothing from her. So finally I sent her one that said I guess you know I know by now. Nothing. So after that, repeatedly through the day I sent her the theme song to Cops - "Bad boys, bad boys...whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you!" I did that a few times today too. Nothing in return.

Also Monday, we couldn't handle the house anymore and quickly packed a small bag and headed in the rain to Asheville to just hang out over night. As we were heading out, we stopped to pay the power bill. Scott handed her the bill and payment and she said, "Ohh so when is it ya'll are heading to get your baby?". Ahhhhhhhhhh So the trip was good. No one in the mountains knew us, knew we were crumbling inside. We ate good and went to the hotel. Us time rules.

Monday was one of those days where you know where you are, you recognize things around you but you just are a walking zombie of sorts. Monday he was supposed to be born! We thought by the evening we would be holding our son. Feeding him and loving on him. Sending a gazillion pictures to friends and family. Yet, here we stood in a strange city...empty.

When we woke up to head out Tuesday, the sun was out. It was warmer. The colors of the changing leaves just was amazing. This had to be a better day. We got on the Blue Ridge Parkway and drove for over 8 hours. Scott did about 4 and I did the rest. We ended up in Virginia. It was a great day. We got on interstate 77 heading towards Morganton and it hit me, then Scott. He is in our house, every corner. I can't go in there today. I can't go home. We are sleeping in a Wingate hotel right now on the outskirts of Charlotte. Tomorrow. Tomorrow we pack it all up and put most in a closet. I don't know how I can get through it. But, I know I have to. I can't ask someone else to do it, this is something we have to do on our own.

My mother in law and I were talking, I told her I couldn't name another child Isaac. See! I still feel like he was real, he was just as real as you or me. I have a picture in my mind what he was going to look like. He was my Isaac and I can't imagine having another son and naming him that. She said I might, but I won't. In some strange, horrific, heartbreaking way we lost our son. I can't explain it to her - to anyone really. He was there, in my heart, in my house, in my family. Now he is not. SIGH!

I can't sleep. All I think about is her and him.

Monday, I called the hospital all day asking for Rebecca L's room. No Rebecca of any name registered for L&D.

She reluctantly gave me her doctor's name. (yeah right) I had a friend who didn't sound quite as southern :) call the office and ask for my appointment time. The receptionist said I didn't have an appointment Monday. With any doctor in the practice. And from the way it sounded I hadn't had one recently. But, she had been there Monday...rolls eyes.

I called the office back later and asked for the office manager. I wanted them to know what she had done, and she had given their name as her doctor. The office manager was taken aback from the sound in her voice. She got Rebecca's information and mine. I told her I wanted her to know just in case this goes before a judge. Hopefully all of that went in her chart, she was a past patient there.

I emailed the patient advocate telling her the situation. I emailed Baymont Inn's (who were giving us a big discount and upgrade while we stayed) and thanked them and told them some of what had happened.

I will be calling DSS tomorrow, hoping her file gets flagged and if she is doing this to anyone else they can do something about it.

I am calling the Chicago Tri.bune and telling them the story, if nothing else I want a letter to the editor all about her in it. Also Aurora's newspaper.

I have also been given a list of neighbors. I just want to know if she is pregnant. I need to know if she is or was, for my heart and peace of mind.

I have to quit sending her Bad Boy's though, Scott thinks I have lost it. Bad Boys is better than some of what I want to say to her. I don't want her to know she has hurt me so much, I almost feel she will get some kick out of it. UGH

I still cry. Bawl sometimes. Scott hears something or I read him one of your comments and he will cry too. I wake up crying, reaching for him. When will this ease? I'll never forget, but surely it will get easier?

Jesus, forgive me the anger and need for vengeance. Forgive anything that might hinder this prayer. I need You. I can't do this alone. We can't do this alone. Thank you for Scott, for my families and friends. Thank you for every person who has came here to offer me prayer and support. It means so much to me and Scott. Heavenly Father, take this pain from our hearts. Fill it with peace and love. Rescue us from this pain before it consumes us. Take care of our families as they have to not only deal with the loss of Isaac, but how to handle our pain and sorrow. Bless all these wonderful people praying for us, all our friends. And God, please take care of Rebecca, heal her heart and mind. It isn't normal for someone to even think of such evilness, much less going through with it. If there is a baby, precious Jesus please take care of him. Let us sleep tonight and give us strength for tomorrow. Amen

Shattered...

hurt, not a big enough word. Broken...no shattered.

The last two days have been a blur. Thursday went from excitement, packing and worrying about what I might forget to confused, scared, doubting, numb.

Then Friday. Started early and hasn't ended it feels like. I think the oxygen levels in the air dropped immensely. I couldn't breathe very well from about 10 am ... well, still the air is thin.

Super detailed, long version was mailed to my family and friends. My brain says copy and paste, but I just don't want to put it all out there yet. Maybe if it isn't out there all the way it will somehow not be true.

Over.

In some sentences I guess it is a good word. The two hour wait to get seated is finally over. The boring season of Big Brother is over. But, this sentence...well, sucks. Isaac, our son is over.

There is like a .000000000000000000000009% it isn't, but that is the optimist in me. Who is slowly dying, when she flat lines I will let you know.

The low down, the punch line is this. Three possible summations to the woman who birthed a baby in my heart.

• Rebecca is a pathological liar. She wasn't pregnant, there is no baby and it all was some evil, sick, diabolical joke with Scott and I the butts.
• Rebecca is a pathological liar. She is pregnant about to have a baby but had no intentions of giving him to us. Maybe she is mentally disturbed, or maybe she thought when we got there that we would be so in love with the baby that anything she asked for we would give it to her.
• This is what I hope is the reason...she loves this baby so much that the closer it got the more she couldn't give him up. I could understand this, I could forgive this and move on. I wish she would have told me this sooner (even today she said in a text that she wanted us to have him). This unfortunately is not the most likely.

I was so overwhelmed with love for him, so relieved my arms were not going to be empty much longer that I let things that didn't fit slide. Little things here and there, my hope and trust and love for her made me ignore them and chalk them up to her being scattered or overwhelmed herself. Then she didn't meet me in IL. My antennas went up a bit, but still...all I could think of is what if. What if Isaac is in her belly, nothing would keep me from him not even my spidey senses.

Then, this week happened. Multiple lies, multiple excuses for things and then the HUGE admission she wouldn't sign her rights to us unless the father did first. This all just started all of a sudden. I asked her why the sudden change? She had always assured us...sometimes over stating how she knew the father (at one time 3 fathers...then 2, now 1) never wanted a child, wouldn't want him now and would sign no matter what. She wouldn't answer.

We called the lawyer and told him what she said, I assumed we could still get a risk placement and bring him home - NOPE! If no termination papers were signed by her, three things could happen. She has to take him home, DSS sends him to foster care or the father's family can petition for placement with them. Notice how we are not in those options.

After repeatedly asking for her to call, and her repeatedly giving me excuses she didn't call me. So I had to text her the above scenarios. She said oh, I know. I planned to take him home and keep him until Josh signed his rights away. GASP

One of our last texts was this...So you don't sign your rights to us, you take him home and bond with him and him with you for 30 or so days. You change your mind and keep him. Or, you don't sign your rights to us, you take him home and bond with him and him with you for 30 or so days. Josh won't sign his rights, so you won't and you keep him. Either way we walk away empty. She didn't respond.

There are numerous other things from this past week, all of these and the past things made the lawyer advise us that something was wrong and we shouldn't make the trip and we should call her bluff and inform her we were backing out. We asked him to talk to her, tell her the situation and let her know to communicate with him and only him.

We haven't communicated with her, she did text me at 7 am that she wanted us to take the baby, she was scared because Josh' family had been calling and she won't answer. Funny, how did they get her number...new phone since being out of rehab and he has been in prison and she said she hadn't talked to him since the night they had sex. Plus she told me Tuesday that Josh didn't know she was pregnant. I didn't respond per the lawyer, but I wanted to.

Needless to say, we are devastated. We cried so many tears that I feel a little dehydrated. So many emotions, anger, hurt, sadness, hopeless, embarrassed...I could go on and on. How does one prey on the hope and longing of an infertile couple who want a baby.

I know my girls in IL are so angry and hurt too, if they find her and she isn't pregnant...well, one way or another she will be in the hospital next week.

I can't pray for her. Not for good things, more like migraines, boils on her butt, sudden massive hair loss or a yeast infection that won't go away.

That .0000000000000000000000000000009% chance he is still ours keeps me from saying some pretty ugly things to her. UGH

I hurt for our parents who loved us through almost 20 years of longing, and then 6 months of waiting. Friends and other family are hurting too, it is bigger than just Scott and I.

I don't know if there really is a baby in Aurora IL, but there was one here. In our hearts and in so many other ways. It is like a death, I don't want to compare this to a miscarriage - I have friends who have lived through those and I can't imagine a live growing baby in the belly there one day and not the next. But, this is a death as well. He was in our hearts, implanted just as strongly as if he was in my belly. Scott loved him. He glowed when he said my son.

God's grace is sufficient. I want to feel Him wrapped around us. I long for Him to give us peace. It will come, I know He loves us and has a plan. Only He can get us through this, through family and friends and His presence. I need it. We need it.

Scott is..., I can't describe it. He has cried, he has crumbled, he is gasping for air as well. But, he has held me. He has let me hurt and cry and crumble in his capable arms. His warm, safe, loving, big arms hold me tight to him so I can hear his heart and I know that no matter the storm it beats for me. He is My best friend, (well, him and Leslie :) )my love and my safe place. I hope he feels the same about me.

We are going to go to the mountains to get away from all the baby stuff in the house, all the sad eyes. All the hurt and oh honey's. I love my family and friends, but we just need some down time...us time.

Please pray for her. Pray for her to get boils on her butt to get Jesus. Pray that she tells us what really has happened. Pray for my family and friends and all the hurt they are feeling eases. Pray for Scott and I to get to a point that this isn't as raw and painful as it is today.

I am so blessed to have called and talked to friends on Friday that helped me through so much. Even though they weren't right here to hold me or cry with me, they were here in other ways.

I don't know how soon I will post again, this place is full of Isaac. Full of hope and happiness. And, as beautiful as it was...it is now pieces of our lives laying at His feet and we now wait for Him to help us put them back together again.