Shattered...

hurt, not a big enough word. Broken...no shattered.

The last two days have been a blur. Thursday went from excitement, packing and worrying about what I might forget to confused, scared, doubting, numb.

Then Friday. Started early and hasn't ended it feels like. I think the oxygen levels in the air dropped immensely. I couldn't breathe very well from about 10 am ... well, still the air is thin.

Super detailed, long version was mailed to my family and friends. My brain says copy and paste, but I just don't want to put it all out there yet. Maybe if it isn't out there all the way it will somehow not be true.

Over.

In some sentences I guess it is a good word. The two hour wait to get seated is finally over. The boring season of Big Brother is over. But, this sentence...well, sucks. Isaac, our son is over.

There is like a .000000000000000000000009% it isn't, but that is the optimist in me. Who is slowly dying, when she flat lines I will let you know.

The low down, the punch line is this. Three possible summations to the woman who birthed a baby in my heart.

• Rebecca is a pathological liar. She wasn't pregnant, there is no baby and it all was some evil, sick, diabolical joke with Scott and I the butts.
• Rebecca is a pathological liar. She is pregnant about to have a baby but had no intentions of giving him to us. Maybe she is mentally disturbed, or maybe she thought when we got there that we would be so in love with the baby that anything she asked for we would give it to her.
• This is what I hope is the reason...she loves this baby so much that the closer it got the more she couldn't give him up. I could understand this, I could forgive this and move on. I wish she would have told me this sooner (even today she said in a text that she wanted us to have him). This unfortunately is not the most likely.

I was so overwhelmed with love for him, so relieved my arms were not going to be empty much longer that I let things that didn't fit slide. Little things here and there, my hope and trust and love for her made me ignore them and chalk them up to her being scattered or overwhelmed herself. Then she didn't meet me in IL. My antennas went up a bit, but still...all I could think of is what if. What if Isaac is in her belly, nothing would keep me from him not even my spidey senses.

Then, this week happened. Multiple lies, multiple excuses for things and then the HUGE admission she wouldn't sign her rights to us unless the father did first. This all just started all of a sudden. I asked her why the sudden change? She had always assured us...sometimes over stating how she knew the father (at one time 3 fathers...then 2, now 1) never wanted a child, wouldn't want him now and would sign no matter what. She wouldn't answer.

We called the lawyer and told him what she said, I assumed we could still get a risk placement and bring him home - NOPE! If no termination papers were signed by her, three things could happen. She has to take him home, DSS sends him to foster care or the father's family can petition for placement with them. Notice how we are not in those options.

After repeatedly asking for her to call, and her repeatedly giving me excuses she didn't call me. So I had to text her the above scenarios. She said oh, I know. I planned to take him home and keep him until Josh signed his rights away. GASP

One of our last texts was this...So you don't sign your rights to us, you take him home and bond with him and him with you for 30 or so days. You change your mind and keep him. Or, you don't sign your rights to us, you take him home and bond with him and him with you for 30 or so days. Josh won't sign his rights, so you won't and you keep him. Either way we walk away empty. She didn't respond.

There are numerous other things from this past week, all of these and the past things made the lawyer advise us that something was wrong and we shouldn't make the trip and we should call her bluff and inform her we were backing out. We asked him to talk to her, tell her the situation and let her know to communicate with him and only him.

We haven't communicated with her, she did text me at 7 am that she wanted us to take the baby, she was scared because Josh' family had been calling and she won't answer. Funny, how did they get her number...new phone since being out of rehab and he has been in prison and she said she hadn't talked to him since the night they had sex. Plus she told me Tuesday that Josh didn't know she was pregnant. I didn't respond per the lawyer, but I wanted to.

Needless to say, we are devastated. We cried so many tears that I feel a little dehydrated. So many emotions, anger, hurt, sadness, hopeless, embarrassed...I could go on and on. How does one prey on the hope and longing of an infertile couple who want a baby.

I know my girls in IL are so angry and hurt too, if they find her and she isn't pregnant...well, one way or another she will be in the hospital next week.

I can't pray for her. Not for good things, more like migraines, boils on her butt, sudden massive hair loss or a yeast infection that won't go away.

That .0000000000000000000000000000009% chance he is still ours keeps me from saying some pretty ugly things to her. UGH

I hurt for our parents who loved us through almost 20 years of longing, and then 6 months of waiting. Friends and other family are hurting too, it is bigger than just Scott and I.

I don't know if there really is a baby in Aurora IL, but there was one here. In our hearts and in so many other ways. It is like a death, I don't want to compare this to a miscarriage - I have friends who have lived through those and I can't imagine a live growing baby in the belly there one day and not the next. But, this is a death as well. He was in our hearts, implanted just as strongly as if he was in my belly. Scott loved him. He glowed when he said my son.

God's grace is sufficient. I want to feel Him wrapped around us. I long for Him to give us peace. It will come, I know He loves us and has a plan. Only He can get us through this, through family and friends and His presence. I need it. We need it.

Scott is..., I can't describe it. He has cried, he has crumbled, he is gasping for air as well. But, he has held me. He has let me hurt and cry and crumble in his capable arms. His warm, safe, loving, big arms hold me tight to him so I can hear his heart and I know that no matter the storm it beats for me. He is My best friend, (well, him and Leslie :) )my love and my safe place. I hope he feels the same about me.

We are going to go to the mountains to get away from all the baby stuff in the house, all the sad eyes. All the hurt and oh honey's. I love my family and friends, but we just need some down time...us time.

Please pray for her. Pray for her to get boils on her butt to get Jesus. Pray that she tells us what really has happened. Pray for my family and friends and all the hurt they are feeling eases. Pray for Scott and I to get to a point that this isn't as raw and painful as it is today.

I am so blessed to have called and talked to friends on Friday that helped me through so much. Even though they weren't right here to hold me or cry with me, they were here in other ways.

I don't know how soon I will post again, this place is full of Isaac. Full of hope and happiness. And, as beautiful as it was...it is now pieces of our lives laying at His feet and we now wait for Him to help us put them back together again.