Thursday, July 27, 2006

Frustration isn't going to control me!

I went to the doctor this week. I only saw the nurse practitioner though, it was for a blood pressure check and to review my thyroid meds.

She comes bouncing in...all smiles, she is like that every time I see her. I wanted to smile back, I wanted to tell her I was headache free, I wanted to be wearing my scrubs which would mean I was back at work! But, I sat there, my hands covering my eyes a was a very bright room. I wanted to lie to her, but I tried that with Dr. Belden and he saw right through it. Soo, when she asked how I was...I just mumbled the same. My BP was still up, but not as badly. 148/90, which is better than the past week of 190ish/98!

Then came the ahha moment question. Are you feeling depressed????? I looked up at her and my wheels started turning...she thinks I am depressed...then like an out of body experience, I saw how I must have looked when she came in. I looked depressed! If I said yes...she is going to give me more drugs, some kind of way! So I answered, No...not depressed, frustrated.

She started to ask something else, then stopped. I then asked her what was next. She said they needed to get me to a neurologist to see if he could stop the headaches. I really wasn't crazy about Dr. Benjamen, but he knows my recent history and it makes it easier not to have to go over everything again. So, next Thursday I go to see him. I see Belden on Tuesday. I hope...ohh my how I hope...and so does my bank account, that I will be back at work at some point next week.

Well, I started thinking about frustration and how for the last month at least, it has consumed me. So I looked it up in the dictionary...

frus·trate(frstrt)tr.v. frus·trat·ed, frus·trat·ing, frus·trates
To prevent from accomplishing a purpose or fulfilling a desire; thwart: To cause feelings of discouragement or bafflement in. To make ineffectual or invalid; nullify.

Wow...I am not going to let my life, my hopes, my dreams, my love, my family, my friends, my job, my heart be ineffectual or invalid! I have withdrawn from people. I haven't spent time with friends, I haven't called them, I have been FRUSTRATED! I cringe when people ask me how I am. I have to tell them, no big change! I hate that I can't get out with people..the sunlight kills me, but I do do it some...just because I don't want to let people down. I want to be back at work, but what if I get there and the headache gets worse...I won't be able to take a pill and lay down...sigh. It is all been so difficult. BUT, I will defeat this...with God's help!

When I was leaving church on Sunday, Doug our music director asked me... how I was feeling, if I was going to be a choir practice and if I was going to sing again. I said yes to him. I honestly didn't know if I was ever really going to sing a solo again or not. But SATAN will not win this. If his goal is to frustrate me...make me prevent me from accomplishing a purpose...HE WILL NOT MEET HIS GOAL!

I keep thinking back to that night. I didn't continue to sing by my own strength, there is no way I could have. God was the only One that got me through that song. I remember praying during the song, but I barely remember singing. How did those words come out? How did I pray different words than what I was singing? Why was my mind not so confused with the pounding, the visual changes, the pain, the nausea, the dizziness, the words of prayer and the words of the song? I have listened to the tape....I didn't miss a word. I remember the exact words I prayed...Lord, please get me through this song. That was the first prayer I prayed as the music started. I remember at some point, wanting to give up, wanting to turn to Doug and say.. I can't, But then... I saw Mike Lowder and a few others raise their hands and say amen... I prayed...God, please get me through this song, if I am blessing someone...please don't let me stop. So, what is so different now? Why can't I ask for that help right now? I was secure in His faithfulness that night, why not now? I can't be frustrated...that just won't do...I will not be ineffectual for Him! I refuse. I will refuse to use that word in association with my walk with God and my life. As my dear sweeeeeeeet momma said to me recently...."You get back up there and sing if it hairlips the devil". She is so hillbilly, *smiles* but I love her.

I can't...He can
I won't...He will
I fall...He picks me up
I stop...He encourages me to go on
I cry...He makes me smile
I fail...He succeeds
I turn away...He is always in my sight
I give up...He gives me hope
I go silent...He gives me song
I am weak...He IS my strength
I am frustrated...HE MAKES ME WHOLE!

I am no longer considering myself frustrated, I am heartened, encouraged, uplifted, TRIUMPHANT...VICTORIOUS! Through nothing I have done, but through Christ and His grace!

I am going to sing that song 'If You want me to' soon. I have to pray for the courage, not fear of singing it really...fear of that moment happening again. Satan is counting on that fear...but he is gonna be the the one frustrated!! NULLIFIED!

WOOOOO HOOOO...It's gonna be a good day!

The Whisnants are probably my alltime favorite group... am listening to one of their CD's now...and they have a song...Even in the many of their songs have helped me so much through all of this...but this one is my Theme Song I think!!

Even In The Valley

High upon this mountain - the sun is shining bright
My heart is filled with gladness here above the cares of life
But I've just come through the valley of trouble, fear and pain
It was there I came to know my God enough to stand and say

CHORUS:Even in the valley - God is good
Even in the valley - He is faithful and true
He carries his children through - like He said he would
Even in the valley - God is good

The road of life has lead you to a valley of defeat
You wonder if the father has heard your desperate plea
But there is hope in the rugged place where tears of sorrow dwell
Can't you hear Him gently whispering "I am hear and all is well"

How could that song not just lift you up!! Greater Yes is one of my new favorites too...

It starts with a desire, planted deep within your heart
You pray in faith, and wait for God to move
Time passes and you wonder
Did He hear me when I called?
Should I even have prayed that prayer at all
You never pray a prayer, your Father will not answer
He can't ignore His child's earnest request
While you're waiting and believing
For what you thought was best
Trust God if He says no….. You're still Blessed
There must be a greater yes

There comes a time when child-like faith
Must graduate to trust
Trials come and you're convinced you're on your own
But the teacher's often silent
During the hardest test
But He'll answer when It's time with what is best

Sometimes God will answer - just like we prayed
Then other times what's on His mind
Is a better plan, a another way, a greater yes

Monday, July 24, 2006


God puts you just where you need to be....even when you don't know it.

Last night, the Greene's came to our church to sing. WOW. I know a lot of their songs and have almost worn out the TaRanda's CD. I can probably sing every word to all of them. Her song about Isabella...I have to skip is about her love for her blessing...her baby girl. They have this T-shirt, I hope they have it online, didn't have the money last night...but it has a blood stained cross on it...and says "I was saved by a blood donor" cool!! Even Scott said he would wear I will get 2 if the opportunity is there.

Anyways, last night was amazing. I went there so heavy with burdens and worries...wasn't sure if I would even go. I was even late for choir not like me. We sit down and we were closer to the front than Scott likes, but our usual seats were taken...and I wanted to see good. When she sings, her whole face lights up, she smiles with her whole body...just melts ya! She sung Skyfull of Angels, a fav..and #1 on the charts...which they gave her a framed CD and all last happy for her! But then....she sang My Redeemer Lives..and it is awesome on her CD...I think it is close to 9 minutes on the CD...but last felt like I was wrapped up in that song, all around me I could feel "HIM"! I can hold my emotions in church very well most of the time, but I started crying and couldn't stop. With all that has been going on, and I really don't see the end in sight...I think I forgot...My Redeemer LIVES! No matter what is going on in my life...He is in control. Then they sung this song...God Did...sigh, He had to have been right there when they were writing their set list saying...Hope needs that...oh yeah, that one too! Then ... wow... Tony sang I can't even walk...without You holding my hand. I have heard that song since I was young...and boy they have revived it. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have been walking around, feeling alone and like nothing or no one can help. I keep looking around...down...everywhich way but UP. He Lives, He holds my hand, He carries me, He knows it all, He hears, He helps, He forgives, He is always there.

Life has been so hard lately, I don't know why He has me in this valley...but I walk through it...crawl through it if He wants me to. Look at what He did for me!!

I never thought I would be here, 24/7 headache, no salary coming in, frustrated with no real diagnosis since the stroke. My medicine bills are reaching epic proportions...he is trying me on all this new stuff. Thank God for providing all that He has, and I know...yes, I KNOW... He will sustain us...and ohhh how sweet the mountain is gonna be.

I just wanted to post about the Greenes before my day got going. While I was praying this morning and having my God time...I thought about the child with Cancer last night, and I thought how selfish I am sometimes. I pray for me me me and there are so many that are more deserving of my prayers.

Well, I better get off here, I have a dear sweet brother coming tonight and I want the house to look good and have him something cooked!


Monday, July 17, 2006

Mamma wannabe

I want to be a mom. But I can't. Instead, I'm a mom wannabe. I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child naturally with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended. But I can't.

Instead, I suspect a doctor and a laboratory will try to assist God with our conception while my husband watches from the other side of the room. I want to have sore breasts and be totally exhausted, then discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a second line. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discover. I want to surprise my husband with the news that he is going to be a daddy. I want to see the look on his face. But I can't.

Instead, I cry tears of pain every month when it doesn't happen and I cry to my husband, "Why??" and I apologize for being defective, because he is fine. I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the 'pregnant glow.' I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't.

I want to take pre-natal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't.

Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving and if they are taking that little miracle for granted. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met. I want to hear the Doctor say, "You're pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't.

Instead, I hear my well-meaning friends say "just relax." Wow! If I had known anxiety was an effective form of birth control, I'd have tried it years ago! I wanted to surprise my parents with a new grandchild; instead I burdened them with the news that we are having problems conceiving. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read What to Expect When You're Expecting. But I can't.

Instead, I read When Empty Arms Leave a Heavy Burden. I want to wear maternity clothes and rub my belly (but not too much because it annoys the heck out of me when pregnant women do that continuously!) I want to monitor the progress. I want to see the ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want stretch marks. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. I want to be measured. But I can't.

Instead, I give blood, get poked and prodded and have surgery. I pray for my eggs to grow and pray they fertilize. I take my temperature and try to interpret every little rise and dip, and how it compares with my temperature pattern last month. I examine every bodily secretion that comes out of my body, hoping and praying for spotting at just the right times, and no spotting at others. I take supplements. I wait. I pray. I wait for the one phone call that can make our life better. Or worse. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. But I can't.

Instead, I imagine a crib in the empty room down the hall. I avoid the baby stores in the mall. I want to be the one to excuse myself to go nurse my baby. Instead, I'm the one stuck at the table with all the husbands. I want to use a car seat. I want to pump. I want to have my baby throw up all over me. I want to change dirty diapers. I want to give baths. I want to watch my husband hold our baby from across the room. But I can't.

Instead, I watch him with our niece and love the way he loves her, but get my heart broken each time I see it. I want to see him love OUR baby. I want to tell my friends about how my baby learned to roll over, or say da-da, or how he took his diaper off and threw it across the room. I want to buy my baby new shoes. But I can't.

Instead, we will spend our money on doctor appointments, tests and high tech procedures. We will spend our money on a dream. We may be left with an empty bank account. We may be left with empty arms. I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't.

Instead, I watch my friends and relatives get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes. I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't.

Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined. I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want the nurses to take a picture of us when our baby is only minutes old. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking, "We did it!", but knowing that God did it. But I can't.

Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wonder what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this. I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope that this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon, He will give it to us. I want to be a mom. --- But I can't.

Instead, I am right where God wants me to be: thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in status from a mom wannabe . . . to the mom I want to be.

Author Unknown

Thursday, July 06, 2006

June has it really been a month!?!?!?!

Sorry I haven't been updating here lately. Since that fateful day...things have been pretty ..ok extremely different.

As you know I am a member of a fertility site, I did post what happened after the fact, and will just copy and paste most of that. This was typed on the 10th.

I will try to give you all the details I can remember and what Scott has told me. Wednesday night, 6:00 I was fine! We had choir practice and I was cutting up laughing with the other altos. Then, 7:00 came and I still was fine. I walked up to the podium at about 7:10 during a prayer and I turned to face the audience and it felt like the top of my head was going to pop right off.

I have had migraines for years, but my worst one pales in comparison to this one.

I wanted to turn to the music director and tell him I couldn't sing, but the music started and I just prayed that the Lord would get me through it so I wouldn't be so embarrassed! I started to sing and I got dizzy, with every heart beat the audience would bounce. I grabbed the podium and midway through I almost stopped again. But, I saw people raising their hands and saying amen and wiping their eyes...and I thought God, if I am blessing someone, please let me finish this song. He answered that prayer. I don't remember singing the entire song, but Scott said I didn't miss a word...I didn't miss a note. I finished the song and I remember sitting down by Scott then telling him I was sick. I went to the bathroom and started vomiting to the extreme! A friend came to check on me and I asked her to get Scott that I needed to go home. He came got me and walked me to the car. I remember getting home and vomiting even more..(sorry too much info), and changing my clothes. Then I laid on the couch and from then until almost 2 the next morning is black to me. Scott said he would yell at me and I wouldn't respond, friends came over and they couldn't get me to respond either.

Scott took me to the ER, he said that by that time I couldn't even walk or move on my own. He said I was still dry heaving and crying out in pain, but I wasn't lucid at all. They took me in for a CT of the brain, and when they got the results back they told Scott I had had a stroke!! He said he broke down crying trying to figure out how to tell me when I woke up, and trying to figure how to tell friends and family. At 12 pm they finally gave me something for pain, they said until the results of the CT came back they couldn't give me anything when they did it really started easing the pain and I started waking up. It was about 130 in the morning when I started coming around and Doug, our choir director was there. Scott told me what the doctor said and I said...he was CRAZY! I am 37...37 year olds don't have strokes.

Doug felt bad, thought him 'making me sing had something to do with it. I tried to reassure him it didn't and I remember him leaving. I went to sleep and when I woke up the next morning, my regular doctor came in and we talked a while. He said I had had a stroke and that he was sending me down for an MRI of the brain to see the extent and would be sending a neurologist down to see me. The neurologist came in and said, I had had a stroke, but not on Wednesday. He said it was old and probably happened during a bad migraine. He was concerned that I had had a stroke in the past but was more concerned at what was going on now. He sent me down for a spinal tap...which went HORRIBLY! It usually takes about 30 minutes, I was there for over 2 hours and one doctor gave up and called another doctor in! They went in 10 times...and finally got it. They said I was really dehydrated was why they had such a hard time. It came back clear, which was a big sigh. He came back and told me that he thinks this was a Complex Migraine....I was like this wasn't anything like my migraines! He said a complex/complicated migraine which he said it acts like a stroke in many ways, it attacks your brain neurologically along with pain and causes you to have stroke like symptoms.

I still have the headache, but nothing like it was. I am still nauseated and dry heaving some, but not as badly. I went against his advice and came home today...I just feel like I would do better home with my bed and my parents taking care of me..along with Scott of course. I go to see him on Tuesday and if there is still a headache he is going to do another MRI just to make sure there is nothing changing. He also said this could be something Viral, but he hopes that after a few days all my symptoms will be gone. I am praying so. He has started me on a blood thinner and I have to have follow up CT's for the next 2 years. He also said that I have to be more diligent in my meds, my diet and my exercise regimen. I told him I had been doing good, had lost almost 20 pounds and he said that I needed to keep it up.

Well, that was the long and short of that! But today...a month later, still headaches. Sometimes VERY intense. He has told me that we can't try for a baby for 6 months. He still thinks it was possibly a stroke and is treating me as such. He has changed all my meds back to ones I can't take while trying to get pregnant. This was all pretty devastating..more than the episode itself. Especially in light of Cara being pregnant. I really went through a rough week trying to come to terms with why God would give someone who wasn't married, still a child herself a blessing of a child...and then, Scott and I...have spent so much money, seen so many doctors, cried so many tears and prayed so many prayers...and our arms are still empty. I was so angry...not at Cara, at God! I said some pretty bad things to him last week! But, got an email from a friend...Kari is her name, and she flipped the light in my heart and I am starting to accept things and pray for a healthy 9 months for Cara, I do love her so much...just the pain right now of it all is greater than any other feeling I have. People that have not had issues having a child, I know they won't understand that. I thank God for those that can EMPATHIZE with me, not only sympathize!

This is part of a post I posted after finding out of Cara's pregnancy...

My mother said...don't get upset, this is God's choice and there is a I guess that means it is HIS choice to keep me childless. Why should I be faithful to a God who seems to choose to make me miserable in this part of my life. I am at such a cross road and I don't know what to do. I haven't told Scott, no use upsetting him at work. You know, I have been so sure of God and his plan...and that whatever happens happens, it is His will and I was ok with it. In one instant, I just don't know. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I have cried and cleaned and finally can type. I cleaned my bathroom and threw out every preg test, every ovulation kit...not just threw them away, I opened them up and dipped them in toilet water just so I wouldn't go take them out of the trash. I BROKE the digital BBT. I just cant tell you how angry I am, how hurt I am..not at her...but at My all powerful God! I am angry that they chose to tell me right now. I just had a stroke and my stress level is supposed to be NIL. But her mom called with the big news, all happy and not ONCE did she say I know this must hurt you...not ONCE considering my feelings...and they know all that Scott and I have been thru. All the money, all the time and doctors and all the tears. I called my mother and she was all you got to have faith, God will give you your has been nearly 14 years we have tried!!! I am freaking 37 years old...if it was going to happen, it should have happened. How can I trust in something so blindly. UGH...sorry I am just rambling.

As you can see...I was so hurt and so angry. I debated if I should post this here or not. I am not mad at Cara or Lisa, I hope they don't feel that. I just wanted to express how I was feeling, and how even when you feel that your faith is strong as can can crack and shatter in a split second! I am thankful for the grace He gives to put the pieces back together again.

This was the email I got from Kari:

Friend~ I am so sad that things are so terribly tough for you right now, and I am so sad about the way you are feeling. I cannot say how I would react to the news that you had received, but I would hope that I would never turn my back on God. If you turn away from him, who will you cling to in all of your times of need that are in the future? Who will always be there day and night to shoulder your struggles with you? Who has all of the answers? Who holds the key to your future? There is only One and He loves you so much Hope! I can understand that you are hurting, I can understand that you would question WHY, but you just cannot turn away from the God you have always known and loved. You can be mad at him, you can scream, you can yell, you can ask him why, you can question his plan, you can tell him how angry you are, but you can never ever stop believing. Talk to Him Hope, say whatever you want, he can handle it, but just don't stop talking to Him.

Jeremia 29:11~ For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for to give you hope and a future.

It is so hard to see the plans that he has for us when we are in the valley, but he does have plans for you Hope. He can see where are lives are 5 years from now, 10 years from now, and the things he does for us today build that future. I have been at the lowest of lows and the highest of highs, and I know that there is a lesson in all of this that you will learn and you will look back at this time and you will understand. My heart is hurting for you. I will pray withour ceasing for you. Know that if you need someone you can e-mail, PM or I will give you my # and we will talk like real people . I know you are a "musical being" and music talks to your heart like it talks to mine. The first song I ever sang by myself for special music was "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens. I sang it at a time that was very very hard for my family and it spoke to my heart so much. I look back now, four years since then and I know what God was doing. I am going to sing that song for you in the hopes that you will find some comfort.
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why
You brought me here

But just because You love me
the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan,I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see
You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley If You want me toYes,
I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

You say: "It's impossible"God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired"God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me"God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 3:34)
You say: "I can't go on"God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: "I can't figure things out"God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)
You say: "I can't do it"God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able"God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it" God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28)
You say: "I can't forgive myself"God says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage"God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid"God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)
You say: "I don't have enough faith"God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)
You say: "I'm not smart enough"God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone"God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

You posted that just a week ago. Don't give up Hope. I will be praying for you and thinking of you. Don't be a stranger, keep us posted on how you are.

I got this, and was so ashamed that I had given up on Him. I still don't know His plan, I am still hurting, but...everyday my heart softens and I am accepting things and putting them at the foot of the cross. Here was my reply...

After my 'breakdown' I clammed up. I wouldn't talk to Scott, I wouldn't cry about it...I just literally shut down.

Wednesday (6/28) morning I had a doctor's appointment. I went in and my blood pressure was out the roof...198/108. He freaked out on me really. He said he was changing my meds back to the not pregnant friendly ones and my TTC was going to be on hold for 6 months. I said fine. He fought with me last time because this was something you wanted, how is it you just are ok with me delaying it?? I was still wearing my pity party hat, and I told him I gave up and won't ever try again to have a baby. He had a few choice words for me, but basically said I will try again but for now I have to get healthy. I am back to 3 BP pills a day, 2000mg of metformin for my diabetes, another pill for diabetes and a new drug called Byetta for diabetes..stupid shot I have to give myself twice a day!!! He yelled at me for trying to sneak back to work and that since I am still having headaches that I have to have another brain scan on this Wednesday. I constantly have one, (headache, not brain...I think that comes and goes) but if I walk and my heart rate goes up, or I get stressed out or starts POUNDING like crazy.

He is worried about a clot or something in my brain...or an aneurysm. BLAH BLAH, at least that was how I felt that day. I really didn't care if all of this was something really bad or not! I didn't care what was wrong, give me some drugs to numb the pain and numb life in general. I asked him if he was going to pay my house payment and car payments and he said if I go back to work and something happens...I wouldn't have a car/house payment anyways. Smart ass doctor. Sooo I am still out of work. At least until this Wednesday...I see the nurse for BP check and such, I may get to go back PT if NO headache and my BP is good. If not, I see him again next wednesday. GROWL

I was determined not to go to church Wednesday night and up until about 30 minutes before choir practice, I still wasn't going. Then...I don't know what happened, well I guess I do...but, I got in the car and drove on to church. We get through with practice and I come out and there sat my dad and Scott. The service started, Amazing Grace was sung first, then a song by the Whistnants...Even in the Valley God is Good. I am thinking...ok, whatever....My daddy must have called the pastor or something. Like, the pastor would cater the whole service to my needs. Then...he preaches on 2 Corinthians God's grace is sufficient...ALL the time. I am angry, I am wasn't so sufficient when I got a call from my SIL. But, I could feel my heart softening and my head trying to wrap around all that has happened. We pray and dismiss...well, they pray...I am still angry and closed off.

Then, a woman I have barely spoke to came up to me and asked how I was since the song incident. I was a little curt really and said fine, I am just fine. She looked at me and said no your not, but you will be. I looked at her ... and was weirded out. Then she just said she enjoyed my song and was blessed by it and that things would be ok, that God gives us valleys and trials sometimes but they will make us stronger and when I am standing back up on my mountain this valley will not seem so tragic. My emotions ranged from wanting to hug her, to wanting to slap So, I just smiled and said thank you and walked away. She rang in my ears, I spend most of Thursday alone. I got really sick from the med changes I think. So I took phenergan and tylox and slept the day away.

Friday, I woke up and it was a new day. I cleaned house, I went to the grocery and other than that freakin headache, I was feeling better. Saturday came and I had no intentions of getting on here, but sometimes habit just kicks in. I had a private message from someone who always says just what I need to hear, just when I need to hear it! She posted a lot, but this me where it counted. I was headed right in to my favorite post (HERE..duh) but got hung up on this message. The gates opened, I bawled like a baby, I cried out to my God who I thought had forsaken me..(drama queen I know!). He was still there, even after all of the HORRIBLE things I have said to him this past week. Sunday morning...pastor preached on the Prodigal son!! How fitting was that.

Every day...I let go of a little more anger, a little more of the self pity and a little more of the sadness. No matter what I said in that post, which I am dying to go back and, I have faith HE will get me through all of this. Sigh....sorry it took all the middle stuff to get to this paragraph...but...I AM OK!

And well, that is where I am today. Trying to handle things. Trying to just leave it at the cross. It's hard. The pastor preached last night that we can take things to God all day, but sometimes we think we can do it better, quicker and we get in His way! We keep Him from blessing us.

Well, it has taken me all day to post this in between phone calls and a few other distractions.

Misti...if you read this..I got your call, I was at church. I love you so much and will call you back soon. Other than type, I just can't find the words to talk to people about most of what has happened. Even with Scott. You just don't know how much the message meant to me. I love you so much!!

OK...gotta clean house before mom and Lisa and Brad gets here!