Thursday, October 09, 2014

time flies...


Five years today we lost you.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday we were planning, preparing for you - then just as easy as going to sleep the night before, waking up October 9th, 2009 and it was over.

I still pray and think of you every day.  I pray she loves you as much as I do.  I wonder if you like school.  I pray someone is sharing the love of Jesus with you.  I pray this pain would go away.

I don't know why we were put in this spot, why we still are childless.  People take for granted hearing the words mommy or daddy coming out of their childs mouth.  What I would give to hear a child calling for his daddy and that daddy being Scott.

five, this day doesn't get easier.  Even though we have started our journey into fostering - hopefully adopting someday soon.

I go back and read all my posts from the day we found out about you until...October 11th, 2009.  I shouldn't, I am the poster child for the ugly cry.  I think it is harder this year...daddy not being here.


five....time flies!!

This post was the hardest to read, to feel...

Thursday, July 10, 2014

My pocket full of memories....they're here

***I was searching for a date, funny how I can come here and find out when something happened...and it is usually here.  Then I found this. It was originally posted June, 2009.  I can't stop the tears, I miss him so much.  Every word was true - I could have wrote so much more.  Isaac never came.  No child ever came.  Even if a miracle happened and God gave us a dozen...they won't know him.  They will know of him, but they won't experience him.  sigh.  

s i g h

I miss you.  The surgery was fine, but I was so apprehensive to even have it without you there to wrap your soft but rough hands around mine and pray over your baby girl.  No one can pray like you do poppy.  I miss you...yeah, I said that already.  ***

My mother even tells that I am a daddy's girl. From the time I was a little girl I can remember loving time with him. Some of my earliest memories of daddy/daughter time was centered around fishing. That love is still there.

I was two or three and he took me fishing and I was restless. So he handed me the carton of worms (yeah...grosses me out to think about it too now) and I took them and tied them into knots - not enough to kill or hurt them...just sweet lil knots. He tells the story to this day, always with a big smile on his face.

I love to watch him throw this net to catch shad...he is so good at it! Santee Cooper in SC is his favorite place to fish!

When my hands got big enough to take fish off the hooks, he taught me how. He was so proud of me when I took my first crappie off the hook. But, he has never let me take my catfish off - he has always been so scared of me getting stung. He has four sons, but his favorite fishing buddy has always been me.

There are so many wonderful things I love about my poppy. He has this fierce love for his family and will do anything within his power to take care of us. He is so smart, he is creative and boy he has a talent for growing vegetables. He has such a giving heart, everything he grows he shares with anyone who needs it. So many qualities about him just makes you love him. But most of all - he loves God. He has served our Lord in so many ways in his life time. Growing up he took us to church any time the doors were open. He pastored a church for all of my childhood and most of my adulthood. He got the family together and we sung at different churches, he would come home from work and no matter how tired we went to sing or to hear him preach.

To hear him pray is so heart touching, he just pours his heart out. When I am sick, I still call him and ask him to either pray with me or to come and pray over me.

His voice is shaky now, but he used to have this strong singing voice. He has a little lisp too...which is so cute.

He is 77 now, he doesn't pastor but he still preaches. His health is not so good, but twice a week he goes to the prison to teach and preach with the inmates. Once a month he goes on Sunday night to sing and preach a message to them. Monday nights he has a Bible study at the house, he is a Revelation know it all sometimes :) He works harder now than he did when he was younger!! But, it keeps him busy and going. He loves it. His heart is with the prisoners who are in a place that Mark was at. He wishes someone had been there like that for Mark.

He takes a stand and isn't afraid to defend it, but he also is open to the fact that he can be wrong. But, if it is Bible based - you will have a fight on your hands to change his mind.

He is my hero in so many ways. He is the only one that can call me Hopeless and really get away with it. He is a hugger. He calls out of the blue just to see how I am and say "I love you". He is tender hearted, and hurts when I hurt. To see the tears in his eyes on Mother's day when he announced that his baby girl was celebrating her first mother's day was enough to make me cry again just thinking about it.

My water pipes break - call daddy.
My car has a problem - call daddy.
My A/C is acting up - call daddy.
My heart is hurt - call daddy.
My prayers feel useless - call daddy.
Time to go fishing - call daddy.
Need some green beans - call daddy.
Want some love - call daddy.

What is wonderful as well - Scott loves him just as much. And my daddy loves him too. They could have been father and son. They both love fishing, working on cars, piddling with things.

Today, my poppy was the oldest father in church. In my eyes, and Scott's...he was the best as well. I love him. There are no words to express how much it means that Isaac is coming soon so I can share my poppy with him. That little boy will know how much my daddy loves him and how much I hope he gets to learn how to take a fish off the hook and learns all about Jesus from his poppy.

He can be so silly!
He loves his family so much - this is a bunch of us - not all!

Thursday, May 15, 2014

This old house...

Mother's Day brings me back every year. It's like an old empty house, full of memories - good and bad, pictures are still hung and but for the cobwebs and dust bunnies you would almost think someone still lives here. It's that old house you just cant bring yourself to tear down.

I read back through all those tears and see that all were not sad or miserable ones. I did meet some wonderful friends on here. I would have rather met them at some mommy and me class...but, yeah. Still, just a woman here. OK, I am a wife, daughter, friend, aunt...the list goes on and on . But, still...that one precious, prized, beautiful title is still not mine add to the list.

Until that morning of Mother's day, I still don't know if I will darken the doors of church.  But, this year was different.  My daddy wasn't there to honor my mom, if my absence from the service made her feel alone.  It was her first, our first Mother's day without him.  I stayed up late, not feeling good.  I still had every intention of going.  I hear my phone ring at 10 a.m. and it was mom, asking if I could pick up one of her great grand babies.  I forgot to set my alarm.  We jump out of bed, knowing we would be late - church is a good 50 minutes from our house.  We get there about 11:30, but still we were there.  All of her sons were there, which made me feel so much better.

I loved going to mom and dad's church, they have an awesome preacher and everyone is always so nice.  The distance from our house - didn't love that so much.  We haven't joined a church, but have one that we feel most at home in from any church we have visited.  Daddy really liked the preacher, so did mom.  But, we have tried to go with mom some...that is her church, her and daddy started that church.  I walk in and see him everywhere.  Not always a good thing, get me crying or emotional and it takes a lot to make it stop :/

The service this mother's day was easier.  We got there late, missed all the "will all the moms stand up so we can show you some appreciation", "such a gift from God being a momma", "here's a rose for all the mothers" and "here's a pity rose for those that aren't".  OK, they don't actually say it...but, that is what it is.  Except, the year we were supposed to get Isaac, my sweet Daddy took a rose from the basket, gave it to me with tears in his eyes and told the church that it was my first Mother's day.  Then...well, you know the rest of the Isaac story.

I sat down in the pew behind mom.  Todd, Illan and Ida Hope were sitting with her.  Ida came scampering around to sit with us and jumped on my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck so tight.  She didn't just let go, she held it there for what seemed like forever.  It felt so good.  She had no clue that my tears were falling down her pigtail onto my arm.  Then just as fast as she got to me, she was on Scott's lap waiting for me to find some markers and paper in my Bible for her.  Illan come back and hugged me too...then they both sat and drew on paper.

We took mom out for lunch, then home...we saw Scott's mom on Saturday.  It always takes my breath away, but Scott is like a hit of oxygen.

Looking back through the Mother's days that I have documented on here...seems they all had been similar except for the year we thought we were getting Isaac.  I still don't understand why God chose not to let us have a baby, adopt Isaac or all the road blocks with fostering.  (road blocks, nothing legal or with DSS really....Scott has had surgeries the last 2 years in July, I had 2 surgeries, my dad passed away, finances...just something happens to keep us from classes or the home study to be delayed every time we start the process it seems).

I think I am OK, I have begged Christ to take the desire to be a mother from me so it wouldn't be so painful.  No. Such. Luck.  But, some things are not as bad as others.

But, the sting of hearing of babies that have been so mistreated by their parents, or aborted before they even got here...when God could have put them with us and my oh my the devotion they would have gotten.  Then there is seeing the teens pregnant, women who don't want or don't need a baby let alone multiple ones...that is just as hard to handle as it was 10 years ago.  Then to hear the well meaning people telling us it is all in God's plan.  GULP

But, I think I am going to open the windows, clear the cobwebs and dust a little in this old house and visit more often.  Writing has always been a way to let off steam or just get the feelings out and see how silly they were...or how valid.

I know I have some blogs to catch up on, I have seen a few and happy they have had such success and their journeys have finally exited the same ole highway and they aren't empty any longer.  I know there have been people praying for us from here and have never stopped.  We are so thankful for faithful friends - near and far.

**last years snow**