I saw a picture of him today. When all of this happened, a friend randomly searched for her on facebook and found her. It was just her picture, everything else was hidden. Then...today.
My friend sent me a note asking if I would want to see a picture of him if there was one available. I was puzzled, but thought it was just a hypothetical question. I didn't know how to answer at first.
I sat back and thought about it. I still think about him every day. I miss him every day.
I came to believe that maybe the purpose of all of this was that he would have someone to pray for him every day. Maybe God knew that this baby boy wouldn't have someone to pray for him and pray for him like a mother would for a son they loved with all their heart. I have had to cling to that, to believe that there had to be a purpose for all this pain and loss. Sometimes it helps...sometimes it doesn't.
I have had this picture in my mind and heart of what he would look like, how he has grown. I just didn't know if I wanted it to change.
I clicked on the link and closed my eyes.
Then before I could see, I closed my laptop.
I took the dog outside and prayed about it, cried. Just wondering if he was chubby or smiling? Soo much I contemplated.
I came back in and sat down, opened my lap top back up and there he was with his brother. I am not just saying this but he looked like the Isaac in my mind.
He looked happy. He looked healthy. He is beautiful.
Sure, this all opened up the flood gates. This time last year we were getting excited. I had already been thinking even more about him. Last years trip to see R and my friends and how all that turned out.
We are preparing for a yard/garage sale and I found a box of things I had bought for R and her son. I had forgotten about this box. I read the letter I had written to R and her mom. How this would be the first of many as we shared in Isaac's life. A wrapped box with Thomas the Trains in it, a delicate bag that had a necklace with a cross and a few other little things. I loved her. I really did. I had imagined all this big future with her family and ours sharing in his life. How close her and I would be. I learned my lesson, am more cautious with people.
The anger is gone mostly, it still hurts. I think it always will. I know we will never know what really happened. I have no intentions of contacting her. I pray she is still clean and loving her boys. I pray they are happy, that every day she appreciates the blessings that God has given her.
On a side note, I am going to post here more often. I am going to update the blog and how it looks. I am starting one for my photography business which is growing. So, it won't all be sad faces and what ifs anymore. My life is better, fuller and I am praying for a better and fuller future for Scott and I.
Thanks for praying for me. For the notes in my email and here. Sometimes it is the little things that make the big things better.