Saturday, June 30, 2007

If it is gonna happen....

Friday evening, Scott and I left mom and dads to come home. We thought we would take the long way home. I knew Wal-Mart didn't have the kitty litter I wanted to try so I thought we would stop by K-Mart. We headed down Conley road to Jamestown road. We just pass the Carbon Plant around a slight curve. I look up and see the intersection and see the green light and look back down to the booklet I was reading. We were talking about houses and such. All of a sudden, Scott's arm shoots out in front of me and I hear him yell something...and just as I look up things go to slow motion. I look right into the other drivers eyes...she was smiling, I think she had been talking to the children in the car. Then that horrible crunch of a sound, the air bags deploy and all I can see is smoke. Scott is screaming my name and we both open the doors to let out the smoke. I look up to see this white truck no more than 5-10 feet from our hood. Their eyes were wide and could tell they were scared. They slowly turn and go around us, not even stopping to ask if we were ok. Then I look to see the other car and it was gone. Then a man came running up to the car asking if we were ok and he called 911 for us. He was so kind. He then sent someone to talk to the other car who pulled away but then stopped. She was young, and the man was afraid that she would try to leave. He stayed with us until the cops came, and he gave them a statement and his information and then left. I hope I can find his number or something so I can thank him.

From that point it was all a big blur, my blood pressure was really high, having a hard time breathing from the stuff out of the air bags. The ambulance came and took my vitals and my blood pressure was 210/110. My left knee had a knot the size of a golf ball, my right knee had burns from the air bags. My right arm had abrasions from the airbag I think, my right shoulder feels bruised but nothing on the outside...must just be muscle. My chest aches like a sore tooth. My head was pounding, my back hurting...not sure how it could be more, but it was.

I had never been in a wreck before, a small one once with Little John and Misti...but nothing like this. It really could have been much worse if not for the seat belts and air bags. I can't help but think that in one quick fragment of time, I could have left this world and been sitting side by side with my brother, talking to Jesus and had the answers to so many questions. I would be listening to a heavenly choir, walking down streets of gold. I think now about regrets that I may have if I were to have died last night.

Scott said that he saw the light was green, didn't have a reason to slow down really. A car turned with plenty of time to make it, Scott saw the other car and assumed it saw him. Then all of a sudden he said she made the turn in front of him and he had no time to stop. He turned to try and avoid the impact, but she turned the same way he did. BAM. We spun around, she spun around too I think because her car was pointing in the opposite direction of the one she was heading to begin with.

I am just thankful we didn't have anyone else in the car, this is the very reason I hate to drive with someone elses child in my car...what if!?! UGH

I have no clue how insurance works with all of this, I know we have gap and we were told she had clue what.

While we were getting ready to leave the scene...the children with the girl were playing in the ditch so I know they were ok. We were told she wasn't the mother, she was the baby sitter. She was underage, so we couldn't get any information about her until her parents were on scene. The EMT's couldn't leave until the parents of the children got there. I wish we had been a little more with it and got all the information we needed. Scott did see the officer did have a ticket in her hand, we didn't get one so I am assuming the girl did. *UPDATE* the officer just called and said she did get a ticket for unsafe movement.

We are driving dads car until Monday when we can get with her insurance to get a rental. Scott is taking the day off Monday mostly because he is hurting so bad all over, but also to take care of getting all of this taken care of.

I am so sore, feel like we have been beat with sticks...never knew it would be so rough. Headache is easing some, and we are moving around a little better.

On another note, got the most beautiful flowers today....yellow calla lilies, purple daisy's, other purple flowers...just beautiful! They were from Eddie and Ellen and family. They wanted to thank me for the pictures I sent, taking care of mom and for planning a family get together. They didn't even know about the wreck! It was so sweet, mom got some too Scott said. I will post a pic tomorrow...some of the car as well. Had 3 cameras in the car and didn't take any at the scene....UGH! We did take some later.

Well, gonna get off here, take some more meds and get cozy for a drug induced pain free sleep.

I love my family, every one of them. I plan on sending some notes...having an experience like this has really made me realize how important people, love, family, friends are. Cars don't mean a thing really if you have no one to go see.


Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Picture of MRI...

You can see the nerves are being squished. THe two bottom discs are really dark, they have lost or losing the fluid inside. The nerves go down that center lane. That is what is causing the pain, numbness and crap in my leg.


Had my MRI on Monday, I don't know what will appointment with the back doctor is July 10th. I wasn't sure what doctor to see, I tried to call my brother to find out who he used and could never get an answer so I just went with who the ER doctor recommended.

The pain is getting to be unbearable. The numbness, the pins and needles and the pain are more intense than anything I have ever felt. You can definitely see one herniated disc and the one that was worse last MRI is about the same or a little worse, the one above it is the one that has herniated and it wasn't too bad last time. He wanted to do surgery then, I put him off so I am sure this doctor will want to too...and I can't deal with this pain any longer. It is affecting me physically and emotionally. My sugars are out the roof...haven't seen them below 215 in 2 weeks. That alone scares me, along with my blood pressure 160's/100's. It scares me.

I have an appointment as well with a new primary doctor on July 30th. Mom and Johnny see him, and mom says he is wonderful. So, hopefully he will be able to get all my issues under control.

I was reminded of this song today...

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
O’er us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

I have been looking for my strength in Scott, my parents, my family and friends...when my strength is in Him, God is my strength. He never fails, He is ever present. I sometimes just expect too much from others.

I miss mom and dad so much. We talk every day several times, but it isn't the same.

Todd and Lisa still call and check up on me....I think maybe they were coming to see me maybe as much as to see mom. I appreciate that.

Well, will update more later...obviously baby making is on hold!

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Parker and Korey visit!

I know, I know...he is called Dylin by most...I don't know why I have always called him Parker...he doesn't seem to mind!

Little John called me last night to see if I could watch them and of course I was SO excited too. So this morning they came in and as soon as Scott and I got dressed we took them out to mom and dads. Korey decided to race the car from Ed's house to moms, and as soon as I said...I hope he doesn't fall...he fell. Nothing too major, just dirty hands. He went up to Todd's and was yellin' at the chickens...Parker said it was so funny. We get ready to leave and Parker heads to Allans to see Ryan right quick. Todd and Bradley pull up and we chatted a second and he gave Korey a dollar...Korey said, You always give me a dollar Uncle Todd...was so cute.

We grabbed Parker and headed to watch Shrek 3....was so funny, both boys were so good and about 15 minutes before the movie was to be over - Korey said...I am sleepy and if we don't go now I will fall asleep and not be able to play x-box...was so funny. Shrek was good, him and Fiona had triplets! wouldn't like it...they bottle fed :). I did have a moment thinking how cool it would be to take our own kids to see movies and to the fish store and such. And one crazy moment Ogre can have kids why not me .... HAHA.

I took some pics, they came back here to play x-box. Then a little bit later Little John came and I got some lovin :) and then took the kids home. I am hoping they come back next week for dinner and maybe Parker can spend the night. Had thought about planning a get together for him, but quickly changed my mind and will just do my own thing for him.

I go Monday morning for an MRI of my back, prayin that nothing serious is going on and surgery can be adverted for a bit longer. Though, I am so tired of this pain and though the steroids have helped, I can't imagine going through a spell like this again. This was the most intense pain ever...and I hate it happened while mom was here, she thought it was because I was over doing it for her.

Hmm guess that is it for now, I did close moms blog...she is better and my family is having a difficult time and leaving it open just tempts me to say things. I know very few if any family read this blog so I do feel more at ease saying a few things here. All I can do is pray for all of them, pray for hearts to soften and we all can have our family back.

Ok...on to pics :)

Parker, Daddy and Korey....Korey is such a ham!!!
Parker, Me, Korey and Scott
Poor Henry :) Korey didn't torture him too bad though.
Korey wanted to change the game every few minutes...
Look at those eyes, he is his father's son for sure. Him and Parker have their daddy's eyes. Little John is so handsome and one of the most sweetest guys I know. He has a heart as big as the outdoors and his children resemble him in so many ways. Parker is already flirting big time, and Korey is so sweet...and such a Daddy's boy. Though when Little John got here, Little John killed Koreys robot in the game and Korey was mad. He told his dad he was mean, then I heard him a few minutes later saying...really, You are seriously mean. Was so funny. Then Korey was fine and hanging on his daddy. Little John is such a good dad, he loves his boys...that is for sure!

Ok, off of here...bad storm and am feeling icky.


Friday, June 22, 2007


I sit here, so saddened by recent events and communication with my family. I won’t name any names, but each knows who said what to me. I only know for certainty what was said to me…so that will be all I will dare comment on.

The conflict in my family has reached an all time high. This during one of the most stressful times our family can go through…mom’s illness. When all of our energy should have been directed to her and Dad…instead, arguments ensued, names thrown out there, accusations made, things blown way out of proportion. Little did I know…I was thrown out there as well, though I had nothing to do with any of it. I did get angry, aggravated and frustrated with it all. I wasn’t only angry at the events, but the timing as well. I thought it very irresponsible, very self centered that this would be going on as my mom lays in a bed fighting for her life. During this time, everyone should have been concentrating on her health not insignificant things that could have waited at least a week or more to be discussed. So now that the family is split...when I plan get togethers, should I say this part of the family has to leave at 6 so the rest can come at 6:15? Do I just invite half, so the others will be hurt? Do I pick sides? Do I just give up and say do what you isn't my problem? How do I explain that to family that doesn't know what is going on? I am supposed to plan the music for the Chapman reunion and though they asked for one I just exclude the other? I am tired of being in the middle. I can't do it anymore. If my family has any love for me, care about how I feel they will drop all this and talk it out and forgive and let us get back to normal. Back to everyone being together, back to laughing and calling, spending time together, singing together...not talking about the other behind the others back, not pulling me from one to the next.

No matter what I think, I am charged as a Christian to forgive! I know that the quickest route to forgiveness is apologizing. I know there are some apologies that need to be made, but God says to forgive, not wait for an apology to forgive. There are people who say they are Christian in my family that may have forgotten that God forgave all their sins, every vile thing they had done…and he continues to forgive us every day for every sin! Does He reach a limit on His forgiveness? Does He say…hmm you really hurt my feelings and were acting childish so I will not forgive you today…I will forgive you but I won’t forget and when you come to church on Sunday I will only be with those on the right side of the Church so you sit on the left, or I will only bless the food for half of the family - not you and your children. OF COURSE NOT! Our sins are forgotten as soon as we ask for forgiveness; He forgives the smallest sin to the largest of them.

All that has happened is WORDS, words! No one was murdered, nothing was stolen, nothing physical…yet from a child we all chanted Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. I am as guilty as the next to let words hurt. But, most of the time I let them go or I talk to that person and get it all out and then let it go… FORGIVENESS is power! Even if the person you are to forgive doesn’t apologize or doesn’t feel they need to….when I forgive unconditionally it frees me from that weight, it gives me the relief, it takes away that sin in my heart that hinders my prayers - and God forgives me as well. And yes, unforgiveness is a sin!

I know that forgiveness is hard sometimes. But, I know most of my family professes to know Christ and believe His word. So either you believe it all, or none. You live by His word or don’t. You can’t pick and chose what you will do and not do.

So again, I went and read the Bible on forgiveness and it is clear, clear as any other scripture in the Bible.

Mat 6:14-15

14For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Does this mean that if we are not forgiving, then the sins we may commit during our time of unforgiveness…those sins are NOT forgiven???? How scary is that to think God won’t forgive me if I am not forgiving!

Mark 7:6

6He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me.

So faking forgiveness is not good either, God knows what is in our hearts.

1 John 2:9

9He that saith he is in the light, and hateth his brother, is in darkness even until now.

I think that says a lot without my commentary.

Luke 6:27-37

27But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,
28Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.
29And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also.
30Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again.
31And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.
32For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them.
33And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same.
34And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again.
35But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.
36Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.
37Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

Want to experience God? FORGIVE. Want to feel His presence and power coursing through your body in a thrilling moment of supernatural encounter? Forgive.

This will be my last post about forgiveness, I am far from perfect, and I know that I have to ask for forgiveness every day. But in the same prayer I am forgiving those I feel have wronged me. They don’t have to know that I feel that way, all that matters is what is in my heart, and what God tells me to do in regards to anyone that might have done something to upset me. I do forgive, sometimes I have to forgive again…but I get that supernatural experience of God when I do!!

I hope my family reads this and knows that I am not taking sides, I am not saying that what one did wasn't wrong...I feel there is a lot of wrong to share. But to put me and mom in the middle of it all is wrong on it's own.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Father's Day

My first thought for Father's day should be my dad. It should be all the wonderful things he has done in his life, for all the sweet hugs and him always being there when I need him. I should have thought about all the things he does for his children and others, all the fun, fishing and time spent. Then I should think about the other fathers in my life - like my brothers, my father in law, Burt.

Instead...I think of Scott, how I have failed in every way to make him a father. That task is up to me, it lays on no ones shoulders but mine. My reproductive system is why we are childless...nothing at all to do with him, his fellas are fine. Every holiday, every birthday, every special stomach tightens up, my eyes well with tears, my heart pounds....from the big things like Christmas to the smallest of things like a walk in the park...I can't share that with HIS...our child. Scott is so sweet to me, he tells me it is ok...but I know it is not. Scott could have had children by now if he had married someone else. I can picture clearly him with his children...he wants that so bad, more so than me sometimes. I saw him crying...almost sobbing when he first held Illan. :(

I will put on that happy face for everyone, though Father's day is harder for me than Mother's day. It is bad enough that I can't give Scott a real Father's day, but his own biological father is not a part of his life, and that really kills Scott. Even though he loves John soooo much, there will always be that small part of Ted in Scott's heart. Scott will always wonder why..he will always wonder why he wasn't good enough for Ted, why he chose not to be a part of his life, why he never calls or returns any of Scott's calls. Soooo many whys.

It is hard, life just never feels complete.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

And the dream goes on...

I had a dream last night that was as real as me typing right now. I dreamed that I was pregnant having lots and lots of morning sickness. I gave birth to a white headed little boy that was beautiful! I could feel it in my arms when I woke up early this morning....I was in the bed at the hospital when I started waking up and I was holding my arms like he was really there. It was about 4 am, I just rolled over and cried myself back to sleep. No way I could have awoken Scott to tell him, he has such a long drive to work and home, he needed his sleep. I don't think I dreamed the rest of the night. I woke up when Scott did and didn't go back to sleep.

As heartbreaking as the dream was, it sparked that desire to try and try again. SOooo I am back to charting and temping and all that jazz.

I think having that spark of hope keeps me going, even though it has never delivered anything but heart break and disappointment.

Liking my new background as well.....very different!

Monday, June 04, 2007

Family and forgiveness...

There is a lot going on in my family, a lot I probably don't even know the details of...and really don't want to know. I fallen into this circle of unforgiveness and bitterness and was ok there until I asked someone...a few someones to pray for me. I woke up today and boy oh boy did someones prayers get through. Conviction is a horrible yet wonderful thing. It makes you hurt, breaks your heart but heals it all at the same time.

So I woke up, read some scripture and then got on line to make for easy searches and to read others opinions on what God says about forgiveness.

Been a tearful day, sad day in a way. I harbored unforgiveness for a while now and it is so unlike me I am usually the first to forgive and forget...but, I have been weary and I know Satan took that opportunity to get a foot hold in my heart and my walk and it ENDS today Mr. Mayor of HellTown!

The scriptures I read this morning before I even got out of bed...

12Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, long suffering;
13Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

25And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.

I got on the computer and looked up "What does the Bible say about forgiveness" and the first on the list mentioned these scriptures.

God is saying that it is in our own best interest to forgive! He is not talking about what is in the best interest of the person who needs to be forgiven. We are the ones who God is trying to protect. We are the ones who receive the most benefit from forgiveness, not the other person. A spirit of unforgiveness complicates and compromises our daily walk with God. Forgiving others releases us from anger and allows us to receive the healing we need. The whole reason God has given us specific direction is because He does not want anything to stand between us and Him. God's love for us is beyond our comprehension. Forgiving others spares us from the consequences of living out of an unforgiving heart. Forgiving others does not carry with it a single decision that we need to ponder. God has not qualified one sin as being more grievous to Him than another and He has not qualified one sin committed against us as warranting forgiveness and another not. For example, God is not saying, "If a person lies to you or steals from you, you should forgive him, but if they abuse you or harm your child, you can hold them in unforgiveness." He is saying to forgive everyone, always, and do it immediately.

I have been upset with people for not being here for mom, for treating other family members badly, for more things than I care to mention. But looking at it right now, after asking God for my own forgiveness...I can see where I was wrong, I was the one hurting my own witness, my own heart. Keeping all that unforgiveness just made me unhappy...the ones I felt had done these things probably don't even realize they had warranted my unforgiveness. So the only one really hurting here was...ME! God charged me today with forgiveness and that without it I wouldn't be headed for Heaven if not for His forgiveness of all of our sins, so who am I not to grant the same grace and forgiveness to people...most of all family. I love my family so much and to have that love tainted with unforgiveness had brought me to tears more than once. At the end of the day, when all is said and done...the money, things, mean nothing if I don't have my family to share it with.

This weekend I spoke with a lot of extended family members who commented how special our family is. Our family being my parents, brothers, sister in laws and nieces and nephews. They talked about how close we ALL are and how that is rare and we should cherish it. I thought in my mind...ohh if you only knew. We are putting on a great act I guess. I love my family and other than Scott and God there is none that I love more. But, funny how that love has gotten conditional on others being perfect, being attentive, being what I expect. I can't do that. They can't do that, but I can't control anyone but myself and really God should be in control.

This is my prayer today Lord...Father God, please forgive me and God please give me the peace and the ability to forgive my family for anything I feel has hurt me. Father God, if there are any more stored up negative feelings in me toward my family, I ask that you cleanse me. I will be open to replace these negative emotions with the fruit of your Holy Spirit. Father, Your Holy Word tells us that we overcome Satan by the blood of the Lamb,Jesus Christ, and the word of our testimony. I now plead the blood of Jesus over my unforgiveness. Lord, do not allow Satan to interfere with my testimony. Heavenly Father, I ask that you help me regain the ground that I gave up when I held onto this unforgiveness. I ask that you take back this ground and no longer allow Satan to operate there. Give me wisdom to deal with this situation in the future. Father, I ask that you heal now the wounded places in my soul. Heal my memory of those offenses so that I can look back on them realistically, knowing that You have healed me. Now Father, I ask that you bless my family with Your abundant mercy.Prosper him/her in every way: body, soul, and spirit. AMEN.

So I have prayed and cried all day and you know what, God has given me that peace I needed for this situation. It is such a relief that forgiveness brings. It totally releases you from the pain when you sincerely pray to God to take it away and put forgiveness all in my heart. And he did.

Time goes by and we lose those minutes with our family, those seconds...they turn into hours and days and weeks and months...years. I look back through pictures and remember the happy times and see that one or more of my family were not at this get together and I wonder was it me? Was there something that kept them from coming that stemmed from an argument or from hurt feelings. I love the pictures and they make me smile mostly until I realize who wasn't there.

I love my family, I cherish every one of them. We don't all have to agree all the time, but we are charged by OUR God to forgive and love one another. And it is a sin not to, and that sin is just as much a sin if I had stole a car or killed a man.

I just want our family to be happy again and to know that if someone isn't there for dinner it is because they are working or just can't be there not because they are avoiding, upset, hurt. Mark can't be there for obvious reasons, and it hurts...but it hurts just as much to know family is down the street and chose not to come to dinner or church or a function.

I know not many family really read this, it is more for me to let it all out I guess.

Whew...just feels like a fresh spring day in my heart...shoulders feel lighter and though my eyes are red from crying, they are brighter anyways!