Friday, June 15, 2007

Father's Day

My first thought for Father's day should be my dad. It should be all the wonderful things he has done in his life, for all the sweet hugs and him always being there when I need him. I should have thought about all the things he does for his children and others, all the fun, fishing and time spent. Then I should think about the other fathers in my life - like my brothers, my father in law, Burt.

Instead...I think of Scott, how I have failed in every way to make him a father. That task is up to me, it lays on no ones shoulders but mine. My reproductive system is why we are childless...nothing at all to do with him, his fellas are fine. Every holiday, every birthday, every special stomach tightens up, my eyes well with tears, my heart pounds....from the big things like Christmas to the smallest of things like a walk in the park...I can't share that with HIS...our child. Scott is so sweet to me, he tells me it is ok...but I know it is not. Scott could have had children by now if he had married someone else. I can picture clearly him with his children...he wants that so bad, more so than me sometimes. I saw him crying...almost sobbing when he first held Illan. :(

I will put on that happy face for everyone, though Father's day is harder for me than Mother's day. It is bad enough that I can't give Scott a real Father's day, but his own biological father is not a part of his life, and that really kills Scott. Even though he loves John soooo much, there will always be that small part of Ted in Scott's heart. Scott will always wonder why..he will always wonder why he wasn't good enough for Ted, why he chose not to be a part of his life, why he never calls or returns any of Scott's calls. Soooo many whys.

It is hard, life just never feels complete.

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