Monday, September 20, 2010

Hope...makes everything brighter

We settled on our house! We made an offer, it was accepted. Now we are just jumping through the hoops until we close.

The closing is set for the 15th, hoping it happens sooner than that! We have to move out of the house we are leasing by yeah, we are scrambling.

Some crazy things are happening in our lives right now. Crazy in a good way. Unexpected to say the least. I anticipated hearing one thing, and heard something completely different. Hope has snuck into our lives. It hasn't been there, in this area anyways for a long time.

You are more confused now than ever huh? Well, until we know more - we just don't want to put it all out there. Soon though...I really, completely suck (for lack of a better word) at keeping a secret. I get that from my mamma. God love her, some of the worse arguments between her and dad were at Christmas...she just couldn't keep a secret, wanted us to open our gifts way early. My dad was hard nosed about it though, would make us wait until Christmas morning. What he didn't know is mom would tell us what some of them were lol. Well, that and Mark and I would always untape to see what they were, then perfectly retape them back. ahaha...good ole days.

Hope, it is contagious. The few we have shared this...thing...with are hopeful. I promised myself I would be cautiously hopeful - not letting the hope of it all consume me. Well, I suck at keeping promises too it seems! I get giddy thinking about it. The few I have told are giddy when we talk about it, it is so funny. So refreshing. God has a plan. He still does miracles. I am asking for mine, for me and Scott.

We are really liking a church we have been visiting. Oxford Baptist in Conover. I will always miss Grand Strand though. Scott and I have always been 'in' church, but GSB was in us. The people, the pastor, the programs...we wanted to go to church every time the doors were open. We felt His spirit there, we knew from the first visit that this was our church. We met our best forever friends there. But, the commute from Newton, NC to Myrtle Beach, SC is a little we have prayed for God to send us to our new church. This church's choir is even called the Jubilee Choir :) Same as Grand Strand!

Speaking of is coming up soon, I can't wait. This is the 5th or 6th we have been to. Pray for my mom, she hasn't been feeling so well. I want her to go so bad, we always have such a good time. The last time we went, we walked out on the beach and with tears she said this might be the last time she would see the ocean. I want to prove her wrong!

Thank you all for keeping in touch and praying for me. It means so much.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


I saw a picture of him today. When all of this happened, a friend randomly searched for her on facebook and found her. It was just her picture, everything else was hidden.

My friend sent me a note asking if I would want to see a picture of him if there was one available. I was puzzled, but thought it was just a hypothetical question. I didn't know how to answer at first.

I sat back and thought about it. I still think about him every day. I miss him every day.

I came to believe that maybe the purpose of all of this was that he would have someone to pray for him every day. Maybe God knew that this baby boy wouldn't have someone to pray for him and pray for him like a mother would for a son they loved with all their heart. I have had to cling to that, to believe that there had to be a purpose for all this pain and loss. Sometimes it helps...sometimes it doesn't.

I have had this picture in my mind and heart of what he would look like, how he has grown. I just didn't know if I wanted it to change.

I clicked on the link and closed my eyes.
Then before I could see, I closed my laptop.

I took the dog outside and prayed about it, cried. Just wondering if he was chubby or smiling? Soo much I contemplated.

I came back in and sat down, opened my lap top back up and there he was with his brother. I am not just saying this but he looked like the Isaac in my mind.

He looked happy. He looked healthy. He is beautiful.

Sure, this all opened up the flood gates. This time last year we were getting excited. I had already been thinking even more about him. Last years trip to see R and my friends and how all that turned out.

We are preparing for a yard/garage sale and I found a box of things I had bought for R and her son. I had forgotten about this box. I read the letter I had written to R and her mom. How this would be the first of many as we shared in Isaac's life. A wrapped box with Thomas the Trains in it, a delicate bag that had a necklace with a cross and a few other little things. I loved her. I really did. I had imagined all this big future with her family and ours sharing in his life. How close her and I would be. I learned my lesson, am more cautious with people.

The anger is gone mostly, it still hurts. I think it always will. I know we will never know what really happened. I have no intentions of contacting her. I pray she is still clean and loving her boys. I pray they are happy, that every day she appreciates the blessings that God has given her.

On a side note, I am going to post here more often. I am going to update the blog and how it looks. I am starting one for my photography business which is growing. So, it won't all be sad faces and what ifs anymore. My life is better, fuller and I am praying for a better and fuller future for Scott and I.

Thanks for praying for me. For the notes in my email and here. Sometimes it is the little things that make the big things better.


Sunday, May 09, 2010

Last mother's day...

I thought it was the last mother's day that my arms would be empty. I thought it was the first of many happy and full 0f mommy's and ... well, full. (last year's post on this day.. ) He should be here.

My bed was full of babies last night - real ones and the one in my heart, Chirsten and Caleb spent the night. The occasional kick in the head or stomach wasn't what kept me awake and just staring at them. Touching their faces. Crying. Wishing.

I got up and went and sat by the pool, chilly at 6 am this morning but quiet.

I can't do this day today. I thought I could. I was so busy yesterday with photo's and family. Then the quiet came, let in the sadness of what has surrounded this day for years and here I sit. Of course, the first place I come to is this blog which I have avoided at all costs. But, reading back all the pain of infertility and Isaac is here. Then for a brief interlude...there was the hope of Isaac.


On another note, I am sorry I dropped off the face of the earth. Sometimes ignoring it all will make it seem less tangible. Then days like this happen. My facebook full of Happy Mother's days. Full of people sending me mother's day flowers?!? (on FB)

I want to start a new blog, one that is happy and full of rainbows and puppies. But all this is real. It has been a diary of sorts for a long time. Not sure what to do but I met some women who prayed me through all of this. (well, not met in person but...I sure felt like it at times)

Thank you Jill for thinking about me, I got your message this morning...meant so much.

Happy (insert here what you will) Day!