Sunday, May 09, 2010

Last mother's day...

I thought it was the last mother's day that my arms would be empty. I thought it was the first of many happy and full 0f mommy's and ... well, full. (last year's post on this day.. ) He should be here.

My bed was full of babies last night - real ones and the one in my heart, Chirsten and Caleb spent the night. The occasional kick in the head or stomach wasn't what kept me awake and just staring at them. Touching their faces. Crying. Wishing.

I got up and went and sat by the pool, chilly at 6 am this morning but quiet.

I can't do this day today. I thought I could. I was so busy yesterday with photo's and family. Then the quiet came, let in the sadness of what has surrounded this day for years and here I sit. Of course, the first place I come to is this blog which I have avoided at all costs. But, reading back all the pain of infertility and Isaac is here. Then for a brief interlude...there was the hope of Isaac.


On another note, I am sorry I dropped off the face of the earth. Sometimes ignoring it all will make it seem less tangible. Then days like this happen. My facebook full of Happy Mother's days. Full of people sending me mother's day flowers?!? (on FB)

I want to start a new blog, one that is happy and full of rainbows and puppies. But all this is real. It has been a diary of sorts for a long time. Not sure what to do but I met some women who prayed me through all of this. (well, not met in person but...I sure felt like it at times)

Thank you Jill for thinking about me, I got your message this morning...meant so much.

Happy (insert here what you will) Day!



  1. i am following yr blog. u r invited to follow my blog

  2. I'm so sorry that you are hurting today, and that all the pain is renewed with these reminders. I spent so many occasions of this particular day feeling very much the same way, and the reminders just make it that much more difficult!

    I hope that you can take today to do something that makes you happy - go for a walk, paint your nails, treat yourself to a nice big latte - whatever will soothe you for a few moments. Sending prayers your way!

  3. I wish I could take away all of your hurt. I wish that your heart would be filled with joy that surpasses all understanding. I can't, but I know that God can. And I know that He has a purpose in it all. It hurts right now, but I believe you are living out a testimony. He's just not done writing it yet. I hope you feel His arms wrapped around you in the meanwhile.

  4. I am Jill's mother in law, and I have felt her pain for so long on mother's day, sweet heart I hurt for you, I know your pain feels unbearable and for sure what you hve gone through is unbearable, I am thankful God has put one foot in front of the other one more time today,I have been and will keep praying or you, and trusting for you to have your very own baby!hugs

  5. Know that on the days that you just can't believe it will ever happen - I'm believing for you. Lifting you up in prayer right now.


  6. Hope,

    I'm sorry that this holiday is so hard, and that the quiet moments at night and in the morning can bring reminders of that grief. For what it's worth, I think you are a beautiful, strong, and talented woman. There should be days set aside for celebrating women like you!

    Sending hugs and praying that the Lord will continue to comfort you.

  7. I'm sorry....My heart is heavy for you. Don't give up.