Sunday, July 26, 2009


no tease this time...

Our Isaac John-Henry Lail...still in the belly!

DIVINE!! Scott and I both cried when we got the text with his picture in it. SIGH!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I am loving life...

I have so much to post, I could write 4 or 5! I think I will just do short versions of each potential post :)

  • I am doing better every day with my spinal cord stimulator. The first week I was a little disappointed, but I didn't show it or let it really get to me. Then I went in for the rep to reprogram it and ahhhh it started working like it should. We did all the programming with me sitting up, and when I got home I went to lay down and I lit up like a Christmas tree! Until the leads get more permanent and settled they will change position. Like when I raise my arm, turn my head or my body...and when I lay down! (Sneezing is a little traumatic as well!) So I lay back and I froze. Scott was near by but indisposed if you know what I mean (potty time). I call out his name and my brain scrambled and I didn't know what to do! Then I rolled a little and it started to lessen and I finally pulled myself up. I totally now understand why I can't drive with it turned on!!! It is funny now, but at that time not at all. Fortunately, I have 8 programs to use and that was just 4 of them that wigged out on me. I haven't walked through a grocery store in almost 2 years. I used one of those electric chair things - reluctantly since I got that pride thing going on. This past Friday, I met up with an old classmate/friend and his wife and we walked the car show in Valdese. I felt on top of the world. I hurt, but not to the point that I had to stop...which used to be about 5 minutes into a 'walk' and I guess we walked around for 30-45 minutes!! Then the next day we went to see Scott's mom and dad and we all went to Sams. I looked at the cart and said nope...and I walked for an hour in Sams! I almost cried - so did Scott...because I can shop again :) You never think about things like that until you can't do them. YAY ME! I was very sore the next day, but it was worth it.

  • As I mentioned up there, we met up with a classmate from junior high and high school. He was always so nice and funny. He was just always one of the good guys. His name is Scott too, but my Scott and him are like polar opposites when it comes to size...was really funny in my head when they shook hands. His wife Sherry and I met separate from him. I had a myspace account and I am not sure what I had up as my status, a verse from the Bible I think. But, she sent me a message and a friend request and we started talking a little. And somehow I found out that her soon to be husband was Scott my friend from school! Such a small world. It was so great to see them and to finally hug Sherry's neck. She had this bright smile that just could light you up. She has prayed me through a lot since we have 'met'. We laughed and walked and talked and it just felt like we were old friends. And I love his old Chevy nova...sweet ride. We even saw another classmate there and it felt like a reunion haha.
  • Have I mentioned how much I love facebook and how many friends/family I have rediscovered on there!
  • We visited a new church this past Sunday and really liked it. I lived in the community where it is all my life until I got married. But, my dad was a pastor so I went to church wherever my poppy was. I still love to hear him preach. When we walked in we felt right at home. Everyone was so nice and the pastor delivered a great message about Phillip and the eunuch. How the Holy Spirit will direct you to someones chariot (or mess, situation, valley) and we should be like Phillip and take the Holy Spirit's lead. He also pointed out that when He leads you to someone, that the Holy Spirit is already at work in their lives as well. I thought of Rebecca and how some things could have really made me not want to be in her 'chariot'. But, it has been such a blessing to me, to her and to others that I know that had I not answered when God said this is it...I would have missed out on my son, on the happiness he and Rebecca has brought to me. I know the Holy Spirit has been working in her life as well. She told me when she was in rehab she prayed when she hadn't in a long time.
  • Speaking of Rebecca, we talked again last week and her brother did pretty good during his open heart surgery. He is 8! There was a scare just after surgery, he started bleeding into his chest cavity and they had to go back in and find the bleed. They did and this was Tuesday last week, and he was home Saturday. We talked for a long time, about her family and about us coming to see her soon. I asked her if she could schedule her next OB appointment at a time I could come and hear his heartbeat and maybe see him on the screen. I told her if it wasn't OK, I totally would understand. You can hear her voice change and she said she would love to do that. She has her next appointment on July 28th and will schedule her following appointment on the last Thursday of August or the first Thursday of September. Leslie might be able to go with me if we only have to be gone a couple work days. We talked about her sons and how much she loves spending time with them, but they can be overwhelming right now. She is still sober, she takes her classes through the rehab every week day, she has a job, she has to meet with her counselor regularly and on top of it all she is pregnant. She is going back to school for nursing as well. Whew - that just makes me tired. I told her we were going to stay a little longer there than what will probably be required. We want her to be able to get some closure sort of. I told her that I didn't mean she would never see him again, but I know being so close after his birth that she might need it. And once we leave it might be a while til she sees him again in person. She didn't have to but that was an option. I told her that when we do come home we will be overwhelmed with family and friends and having a few extra days with him, just Scott and I will be a beautiful time for us. She said again that when she meets him when he is older, he could call her aunt or friend or cousin. I told her that I had thought about that and we are telling Isaac about her, how much she loved/loves him how he wasn't abandoned or tossed away. When he is old enough to really understand and she gets to see him, I think it should be up to him and her what he calls her. She cried and said that us being so open with her and letting her keep in touch makes this easier. I cried hearing her pain, but also because I know her pain takes mine away. I stare at her son's picture she sent every day thinking Isaac could look like him. I can't wait for real pictures, for touches and kisses and whew...don't get me started.
  • Yesterday, I got the first gift for Isaac. Jen my sister in law and my brother in law Chris had been to Myrtle Beach and they brought back 2 sweet sweet shirts for him. I just lost it. But, then she handed me a diaper bag filled with bottles, nipples, t-shirts and sleepers. It caught my breath. I can't tell you how many times I have picked the shirts up and just hugged them, something tangible, something he will wear. Tears could soak them, tears of so much love for him. I can just picture him in some little jeans wearing them. I can't explain how it felt...I am sure some of you moms understand. I have waited so long to be here, to be a mommy in my heart, to know that God is giving me my hearts desire. I don't deserve it. I know so many women - wonderful women who should be mommies and are empty. I was there for 18 years, it is a sad, lonely place. But one tiny little boy has erased all that pain, 18 years of tears and ache and heartbreak just dissolved away with the selflessness of one woman. WHEW!
  • Today, mom and I went to have lunch with my aunt Louise, cousin Lori and her daughter Courtney. They are so special to me in so many ways. Lori cut moms hair while Louise and I caught up. They are some prayer warriors let me tell you! I had walked outside to see Sandy, a yellow lab that we gave them, and her puppies - SOO CUTE! I came back in and they were in a circle holding hands and crying out to Jesus on our behalf, on the behalf of other family members. You just could feel the spirit of God in the room. I pray silently, I have always felt my words fail me when I pray out loud...but these women pray from their hearts and it just gives me chills! I love them so much. We decided to not let months go by without being together so on the third Tuesday of every month - it is our day. We go there, they come just has to happen every month! Ya'll can come with me, the more the merrier!
  • I guess that is it...enough eh? Just think if I had wrote a long post about each of those! Well, here are some pictures for your enjoyment from today.
Mom, me and Aunt Louise (Mom's sister in law)

ain't they sweet!

Courtney took this...she was a little shaky :)
Cousin Lori and me

This is Courtney, the sweetest girl. We hit it off from the get go a few years ago and she is just so special to me. She got her braces off this year and just got her license - I am so scared!

This is Sandy. Ya'll might remember her from a long ago post. This dog is/was on puppy crack, she was a year old though and still was all puppy! HYPER and couldn't sit still for nothing. She wanted to play constantly! We got her when mom had her open heart surgery and mom came to stay with me. Well, Sandy in her big ole self nearly knocked her down. My cousin Lori took her for her son Anthony. Well, he got Elvis - a black lab and bred her and she has calmed a little since being a mommy but not much. They make pretty babies! She had 9 puppies! Anthony has sold them all and used the money to get his apartment the way he likes it (really it is an apartment above the garage at his mom and dads...but he says it is better than a bedroom in their house). He is a sweetheart and such a good boy! He graduated this year.

OK, the only picture of a black one because I was so in love with the tan one with blue eyes, and the chocolate one as well.

How precious is this!! Next litter I get the pick of it and I can't wait. I could have this time but Chris never said yes - was gonna let him have it, and I knew I couldn't handle a puppy right now. Isaac's first puppy awwwwwwwwwwww!

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

A peak at what he is going to look like...

Today, I spoke with Rebecca and it is so comfortable to talk to her - like an old friend. Though, I get excited when we talk about how close it is getting. She just amazes me.
Well, I can't post the picture really...but -

She sent me a picture of her 2 year old and wow...he is a doll. He has this curly light brown hair and bright green/brown eyes and a smile that would melt anyone. We both hope he looks like his brother...soooo cute.

I sent her a text telling her how happy he looks. She sends me this back...

"Your baby will be too!" Ahhhh my baby.

My heart is about to explode!

And my brain is too. I am overwhelmed with lists now....SO much to do before he gets here!

Ya'll will have to share all your mommy to be advice!

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Lasts and firsts

Yesterday, like a lot of people we celebrated July 4th. Independence day. Nothing big, we just hung out with Scott's parents and brother and family. I was feeling like crud and our plans changed at the last minute.

But, as we sat out in the yard watching my father in law light fireworks for the kids it hit me. This is my last 4th of July without my child. I won't ever look at fireworks the same. It was the last time where how I was feeling came first in deciding how to spend this holiday. Unless I am bed ridden, every holiday will be spent to the fullest with my child. AHHH MY CHILD...have sweeter words every been spoken? Not yet...when I hear the first I love you mommy...or heck the first mammmmma will be the sweetest then every word coming out of his mouth will be cherished by this mommy to be.

Every day until he is with us will be one more of 'the last of's'. Whew...

Then after he is with us, our life will be a never ending plethora of firsts. I can't wait for the first touch, the first kiss, the first breath of air that we will share, the first time I hold him, the first time I see Scott holding his son, the first time we fall asleep with him snuggled between us, the first time he smiles...

I just realized in just 95+/- days he will be here. Holy crap I need to make lists of things to do!

Week in review...

gonna bullet this week I don't forget anything.

  • Monday - 6 am (well 620 since I slept through my alarm clock!) I get to the hospital to settle in for my spinal cord stimulator. It really was pretty uneventful at first, no problems getting the IV in, the warm blankets felt soooo good, my nurses were great, my doctors came in smiling and in great moods, my new BFF (HAHA) - the rep for my box came in smiling as well, the anesthesiologist eased my concerns about me being put to sleep in just a twilight sleep. (I was a little freaked out thinking I might wake up when they were doing the big stuff! But they needed me awake for placing the leads to make sure they were in the right place.) It started out pretty good. But umm just kinda went down hill. I don't remember anything once they got me into the OR. I remember thinking my doctor is cute and dang it he is gonna see my butt and boobies...SIGH!
  • I wake up in recovery and am bawling. The pocket he made for the stimulator (looks like a pacemaker) hurt like crazy. I couldn't stop crying! CRAZY. Anyways, they have me there trying to make sure now that I am awake that the leads are still in place and I am getting coverage in all the right places. The rep cranks it up and WAMMO...the left leg lights up. Nothing in the right leg. I cringe. My right leg/side is the main reason for this box and it wasn't getting any of the sensations. She turned it 10 ways to Sunday and still none/very little on the right. Dr. P was puzzled as in the OR when they were putting it in the left had no coverage. They took me to x-ray and the leads hadn't moved. So, they programmed me and told me that when the swelling goes down and such, that it should start working normal. *I freaked out when I got home...I don't remember ANYTHING from the surgery...what if I was so out of it I lied inadvertently to him saying my right was covered instead of my left. I am still worried that is what happened!!!*
  • The doctors leave me, the nurses trying their best to cover my pain and nausea. I am still crying like a baby. I just can't stop! I turn over in the bed multiple times. I kick the covers off at one point I was hot. My eyes are so swollen from crying I can't really open them. My blood pressure is very low and it made me a little loopier than normal. About 3 hours into recovery I realized that my gown was just laid across me - my arms were not in it. My boobs were out there for anyone to see!! Scott wasn't paying any attention. Doctors, patients, patients families walking by getting a show. I wondered why the nurse kept covering me up...I was like dang I am hot...stop that. I thought that, I didn't say it. Yeah, not my finest moment.
  • I guess it was 5ish and I wanted to go home. The nurse said if I was ready I could. So I sat up and started putting clothes on and then I stood up to pull my shorts up and I almost hit the floor. Nausea, dizzy, weak...not fun! My nurse came in and checked my blood pressure and it was 70/40!!!! Needless to say I stayed a bit longer, drinking fluids and eating a few crackers. Finally it got up a little and Scott was able to take me home to his parents.
  • I get there and crashed in their bed, to wake up a little later to about 8 itchy places on my legs and torso. I thought bug bites, but not sure why I was the only one. And they were like blisters more than anything else. But, I stuck with bug bites and my fearless protector did kill a tiny little ant while he played some cowboy game on the xbox.
  • The next day I woke up to a sore throat. I thought hmm, I must have snored a lot while not using my crap C-pap mask. Running a low grade temp, but thought it was just my body responding to surgery.
  • Wednesday I wake up and the blister like things on my legs/torso are red around them and hard. Not bug bites. Then that night I found the flashlight and looked in my mouth...EEEEK! White little blister like things all over the roof of my mouth and a few sores on my tongue. Temp was a little higher but not over 101.
  • Thursday I had a dressing change appointment with Dr. P. Everything looked good under the bandages. Yes, bandages...what I thought would be one incision ended up being 2 due to having difficulty getting one of the leads in...GRR. I showed him my 'sores' on my body and the things in my mouth and he thought strep maybe, but said I should see my primary care physician.
  • Ok, I call my PCP and it is Thursday...they are closed Friday so they were slammed and couldn't see me. I was scared it was strep and that it might be like last time and I end up with a picc line and IV antibiotics for 6 weeks. So the nurse said to to express care/ER. We go and sit for about 4 hours. To have a PA come in and say, just to cover any issues let's just give you an antibiotic. WHAT? He hadn't even seen what I had going on. Scott and I flipped out a little and he sent us over to the ER side. That doctor knew my history of an infection at the surgical site and he ordered blood work, cultures and swabbed my throat. He gave me a shot in the butt too :( for pain and nausea.
  • The rapid strep came back negative. My sed rate was 64 but my cell count was mostly normal. He did give me an antibiotic.
  • Friday when I woke up, my throat was so much worse. My hangy down thing was so swollen it was making me gag. It looked like someone had a snow ball fight in my mouth!! I think it looks more like thrush/yeast. So, I started doing salt water gargles and today did vinegar. The vinegar seems to be the most helpful - that and throat spray. Food sucks, it hurts so much to swallow.
  • I am eating yogurt to hopefully help with the yeast, and it feels good on my throat. Temp is still up and down....crazy thing. My mysterious lesions on my body are going away - Thank you God!
  • Good news is, other than the surgical pain my back is feeling better. I really think this was just the miracle I needed to get to feeling better. Even though it is like I got a pacemaker in my butt.

Can't sleep dang it. I took meds to help with that and I just got a lot on my mind I guess. When sleep does come I am sure it will be deep and good.

Scott didn't get his wish that this box had a mute button - HA!

I really am excited that this 'bionic' status will make my life much better. It is crazy how it works, but I am glad it does. I wonder how someone thought this up? Well, they are my hero!

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts during the past two years. 4 surgeries on my back, 1 D&C, lots of medications and doctors appointments has been a long journey. Things happen for a reason I know, all of this was part of a plan that He has for my life.

Ooo it is after 2 am, gotta go to sleep or else I won't get up for church tomorrow and I need church...I have a lot to be thankful for!

Friends...can make everything alright!

Last weekend we spent time with some old friends...well, they ain't old but we have known each other forever. You know a friendship is real and tough, when you get together and you just pick right up where you left off. Our moves to Myrtle Beach kind of caused us to lose touch. We still saw each other at Christmas and such but it just wasn't the same.

Then over the last 2 years, through all my health drama...I developed an anti-social way of life and barely let anyone in. Even some family were not in that inner circle of who I thought I needed. Not because I didn't need them - I just needed (well, I thought I needed this) to keep everyone at arms length. Leslie, my Divas and my mother in law were about it ... well, other than Scott. It is hard to explain but I hated laying all my issues on other people, and so those few got it all - and handled it lovely I might add.

*I feel bad even typing that...looking back I know I hurt family and friends by not letting them help or even be there for me to just listen. I don't know if I could have done it differently. Even looking back at it, I just don't think I could have been my normal self. It was more self-preservation I think. It was like if I don't tell it all to everyone - maybe it won't feel so real and sad. Hard to explain :(

Anyways, since the first-ish part of the year I have been letting walls down and feeling more like myself. I am glad that some family didn't give up on me. We were still feeling kind of 'lonely'.

Before we moved to the beach, we had friends from work and friends from family. People we just did things with. Then we get to the beach and fell in love with the Huggins. We did so much together and some nights did nothing at all but eat sugar cookies and watch TV. We had friends from my work too and other church friends so we felt normal (normal for us).

So, now with me not working SIGH, my girly friendships are at an all time low. I missed Leslie and Burt, and all our friends in Myrtle Beach so much. We haven't found our church yet here, so those bonds are still not formed. happened. I don't even know how it all came about really...but our good friends from years ago and us spent some time together having a yard sale. Then, we planned a get together and went to their house to swim and enjoy each others company. And there we were, like there never was a gap in our friendship time line.

When we were having dinner that night, laughing and cutting all hit me and I almost lost it. I missed this, missed hanging out and that the past two years have felt like I was standing still in some lonely little place. Physically, I couldn't do much and knew I would be a drag to anyone. But, the hope of getting better was stronger than ever. That hope has brought the old me back out.

Sometimes it is hard to make real good friends too. Scott and I are not really the most normal couple in all the world (no comments from the peanut gallery please). We don't go out dancing and drinking and parties. We never have. Dinner, movie and a game or two is our idea of a great evening. Crashing on the couch talking about celebs, reality TV...any ole thing is a great night too. I forgot how it all has been that long!!

So hanging out with TW and Tammie felt like 'home'. Their daughter Briana is 17 and so beautiful. Not just on the outside, she is a good girl all the way around. She preferred to hang out with us and her parents that night than to go to a friends party. She is just like that, Tammie and TW are so blessed.

And, just to clarify ... Tw is my dad's brothers son. So yeah, we are cousins but more than that - we are friends.

I wish I could have been more Hope-like when I was so down, I know that all the hard times would have been more tolerable. But, hindsight is 20/20.

The moral of this story children is this...try not to let the situation control you. It can alienate you from some people that love you and want to be there for you.

Not only have we started to feel normal enough to hang out with friends, our families have been fun to hang out with too. We had a bon-fire at my brothers last weekend and it was so much fun. We spent time with our Lail's today and I can't tell you what it meant to me to see Scott and Chris working on a project together. I tormented them by asking repeatedly if they were done yet, but seeing them together was so special.

Well, that is it for this post....several more rattling around in my brain. I am bionic by the way...EEEK!