Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Sharing this pit

Monday started off like most days lately - sleeping in until lunch time (and I hope to hear back from the doctors about that SOON). I checked my email and there was something short and sweet (not really sweet...why do we say that?) from a friend. The short few words were something like please read my blog. I went....title for the day was We're Done! My heart jumped into my throat....before I read further I was saying out loud - they have one more cycle, they still have meds....why God let her find out about the endo and that the endo was what kept her from getting pregnant for the last 5 years. Why God do that and then even with extreme measures You don't let her feel her dream forming in her womb...ugh WHY!?!?!

I was angry, I literally stomped around this house at one point...and stomping is not easy in the current status of my back.

I was hurt, she has been a God send to me...literally He had to of sent her to me - out of all the people on all the fertility websites we chose the same one. God...yeah He did that. And now He is letting her hurt and basically join me in this pit of discontent, confusion, anger, pain, hopelessness ... did I mention this was a pit!?! Kari can't be in a pit....she is Kari! But...look there she is!

I was confused. This woman is such a woman of God. She prays, she sings, she leads, she witnesses, she stands up for Christ and His word. Why then put her through this. Are we not taught from a young age...behave and do what your dad says and you will get a treat, or something special. Our daddy's always came through - I remember the coke and Reese's cup almost ever day. She is our Father's child, she has behaved...she deserved a treat!

I was sad. Here I am...her Christian friend - one she depends on to pray for her to lift her up to God when she has no strength to do it herself. Well, I am in the flippin same pit and I can't lift myself up much less someone else. So I cried out to Him....give me my prayer back so I can pray for her. God I need my prayer back. This carried over to Tuesday. Standing in the shower (stop picturing me naked - not a pretty site anyways), I cried and begged Him to let me help my friend. I prayed for God to give me my prayer back. Later that day, I was sitting on the couch, my mom calls and says channel 11 and listen to this sermon about Hope. I was sad dang it, I didn't want to hear a preacher - I am mad at God for not giving me my prayers back at least so I can pray for others. But I said "Ok mom, I will watch it". I had no intentions of watching...but guilt won me over and I watched.

He preached about Hope, how without it and faith we are lost. How if we get resentful and bitter towards God and stay in that place for long it eats away at our souls. He said even in the sad, bad times we should rejoice and praise him. I yelled (I hope people can't hear me outside - if so there will be men with a white jacket here soon so I must type faster) -YELLED at the can I rejoice at such a time as this??? How? Almost as soon as I said that he asked his congregation to bow their heads for prayer. I rolled my eyes and said I can't pray. Then he pointed at the camera and said all those watching in their living rooms close your eyes and pray. It was like he was pointing at me, and heard what I said. I closed my eyes and visions of me crying out to God for my prayer life back, begging him to let me pray for Kari - she needs me God...she needs You! I was praying so hard to get my prayers back...then - ton of bricks on my head. Did ya read what I wrote? I was praying to get my prayers back. I will say it again - it took me a while too. I prayed to get my prayers back. I am such a dork - I was praying all along. Then it all just came out like a flood...praying for Kari, for friends and family and Scott and all kinds of others.

I wrote her an email that rivals most emails. Wanting it to be all about her, all about her healing...and dag nab it it helped me as well. She read it and we talked last night for a couple hours. She and I are getting out of this pit together.

I prayed.

I wish I could say that I was totally ok and back on track. The storm still rages, but He is the anchor that holds me. I still feel like He has forgotten me, I still feel like my life is rocking back and forth.

There is that little light shining down, the pit doesn't feel as deep - thought that might be cause it is cramped in here with Kari and her big ole self.

I laughed so hard with Scott the night before. I hadn't laughed in a long time it felt. He came to bed and I put my ice cold feet on his legs and back and he screamed like a little girl. We both laughed and laughed. I think that was the first break in all of this - a simple belly laugh.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Stuck in a Pit...grr

I picked up the book by Beth Moore - Getting out of the pit. I bought this book a few months ago after the suggestion of a wonderful singer told me how it helped her get out of her pit of fear and pain. I started reading it again and one of the first chapters was about feeling 'stuck'. Funny how one of my last posts I said...I feel stuck!

I want to get back to praying every chance I got - which was multiple times a day. I open my mouth to say please Lord and I stop...I just stop. Stuck. Am I getting comfortable in this pit and taking up residence? My radios were always on a christian/gospel station. I haven't turned on a radio in weeks. The one in the car is on some pop station now. Hasn't been changed. All I have to do is hit the first programmed button and it goes straight to Joy FM. STUCK.

My mom calls and tells me to watch a preacher on TV that is giving a good message. I say sure to not hurt her feelings or make her think I am spiralling...but I leave it on TLC to finish watching some home makeover. I am not spiralling, I am at the bottom. Stuck in this pit. I keep waiting for some thing to happen, some thing to make me fall on my knees and pray ... that is all I want to do is pray. I feel like if I can get back to there at least the rest will just come back on it's own.

I want to feel that connection with God that praying gives...that it sustains.
I feel like I am here........................... ............................God is way over there and that gap can only close if I can pray. I wanted to pray for a friend who had a failed IUI cycle, I wanted to pray for Scott while he was sick, I want to pray for my own healing, I want to pray for my brother in laws wedding, I want to pray for my parents. I just want to pray to thank Him for a beautiful day, for my daffodils blooming so pretty in my yard. I have a prayer list that is filled with family and friends and strangers. I look at that list almost daily and I can't find the words that used to come naturally.

HOW DO I GET IT BACK? I do want it back. I want out of this pit, I want that relationship with God back.

I read the book on the way to a birthday party for my nephew. He is 5. He is beautiful. He hugs and kisses Scott and I, and no matter the mood it elevates us above any sadness that this party is not for our child. On the way there I had put down the book as we got off the interstate. The gift shuffling across the back seat with each turn, its' movement not interupted by a child saftey seat snuggly attached. The huge blue bow on top struggling to stay on not being pulled at by a nosey toddler in the back seat.

When we shopped for Caleb, Scott and I always feel the same things....oooo our child would love this, wish I was shopping for our son or daughter. I remember times when we would actually buy things for our 'child'. That has stopped. The box that had toys, a few clothes and other baby accouterments has stopped growing and for the most part the things in that box have found their way to other children and kid visitors.

We were handling it all very well, watching the kids run and bowl and yell for mommy and daddy to see the pins that they knocked down. Then there was the 3 month old baby there, friends of my nephews mother. She was so cute, being passed from woman to woman. Not me, I didn't offer my arms and wasn't asked to hold her. Then there were 3 women in my life sitting at our table talking about the sizes of their children at birth, they even tried to engage me in this conversation. I shoved a french fry in my mouth and blamed the hotness of it for the reason my eyes are tearing up. UGH

Just every day there is something that reminds me why I am here, why I am stuck. Whether it be a pregnant 15 year old walking through Wal-Mart or a young couple looking at vacation photos of them hiking and having a great time, or a mother swinging her child around in a circle not worrying about her back pain - because she has none. No matter if on some TV show where something grand happens or something I see in real life...something reminds me of my personal for me prayers either being shut down or not answered. I get angry and am becoming bitter. What if I stay here? How bleak is that!?! I have become one of those the glass is half empty kinda girls. That has never been me. I have always been able to see the good, even the possibility of good.

I hope this book helps me, I hope the pit is temporary. I can't stand this - this pit disconnects me from people, God, life...and worse of all I think I have brought Scott into it with me. ... no think about it..I have brought him in it with me. :( Scary because he was always the one on the other end of the rope pulling me out. I even see the rope coiled up in the corner of this pit so even if there were someone up there....I hope they have another rope! EEEEEEK

The new medication he put me on for nerve pain is making me even more crazy. Today...I woke up at not am! I went to bed Saturday night by 9. Actually was in bed around 8 took 2 pain pills and finally went to sleep by 9. It wasn't that I was laying there tossing and not sleeping...I slept 15 hours!!! I could have stayed asleep had it not been for Scott waking me. That has to be some world record or something. I was going to stop it on Friday but I thought I should wait until I talk to the doctor. I could go back to sleep right now I bet. UGH.

OK, book is written ha ha. I do feel better after posting here for some reason.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Thank you

Needless to say I am so overwhelmed by the responses here, sometimes I forget that some people actually read the things I say. I almost wish I hadn't put it out there, but too late now I guess.

I don't really know what to say at this point. I wish I could tell of some miracle or wonderful thing in my personal life...nothing there. I am just numb really right now.

Someone said it is scary to be 'alone'. It really is. A friend called and we talked a bit, she had no clue what was going on in my life - had been a while since we had talked. We kind of caught up and she needed to go and she said Hope, please pray for this certain thing...we really need God's hand to take care of this. I didn't know what to say. Usually my response would be of course, I know He will take care of you, I will pray hard for the answer. I didn't know what to say so I just said I am sure things will be fine.

I want to pray, I want to feel like I am fruitful with my prayers.

Scott had another interview this morning with a different company. We didn't really tell anyone because I know they will say we will pray for it, and pray with you. My mom always tells me to fast and to pray when we want something. I did that last week when he had the interview with the other company...maybe that is why it was so tough. I took all these extra steps to please Him and .... nothing.

The replies here are touching and amazing to say the least. I opened my email one night and saw there were all these posts to me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate them and how they did help. I am researching my insurance to find out about talking to someone. I have never felt like I would ever in my life need to talk to anyone in this manner. I feel isolated, all my friends are Christians and are so close to God. I don't feel they can understand this distance between God and my heart. I love my friends and if not for them this hole would be so much deeper and darker. My bestest friend called today. I want to just go there and feel that closeness, feel that relationship we share and it's healing properties. Times like this make me regret moving back to NC. Friends I had here before moving to SC have moved on and I can't blame them really....with all that is going on I let myself fall further and further away from them. I didn't reach out. I didn't let them in.

If not for Leslie and Lisa and crazy as it sounds my mother in law and my parents and Scott - I really don't know what I would do. These people are physically in my life, these are my anchors that keep me grounded and keep me from feeling completely alone. I don't know what I would do without them. But, I can't let it all out with them. It makes me feel like I am not a good friend, wife, daughter, sister. Each of them have their own lives and all that goes with it. I don't want to add anything negative to their busy, stressful lives. So for the most part I put on the happy face and share a different part of what I am going through with each of them so no one has to carry it all. I am going to screw up one day and forget who knows what and get yelled at for not telling it all to begin with SIGH!

On the other side of that friend coin is my sister in Christ, someone who shares my faith and even when it is shattered and I am gasping for air she is that little light sent to share her breath, and when my faith is shattered she has enough for both of us. She is holding on to those pieces waiting patiently to help me put them back together. She has this voice that always sounds like she is smiling. She understand that it has to take a lot for me to get where I am. We have this similar level of faith in, love for, awe of our God. So she knows for me to feel so alone from takes a lot. She doesn't question me, she offers support. She doesn't tell me I just need to trust that He will take care of it. She listens to my pain and instead of telling me to pray when I can't...she prays for me. I have never touched her, I have never felt her hand in mine. But, I have felt her love and prayers and through her words I feel her hurt for me. Between Kari and Leslie they have shown such unconditional love to me...when they didn't have to.

There are all the other 'Divas' on this black box that have kept me smiling and show so much love to me. And all these women who I have never spoken to or even read their blogs that has posted to me...took the time to offer prayers and their words to someone they don't know. Some have been where I am and have lived to tell about it. :)

Thank you all.

I am taking steps to get out of this pit.
I want to pray and feel like He hears me.
I know that all is not black in my life.
I know I am blessed with love.
I felt the love from my niece and nephew through such tight, warm loving hugs this weekend.
I am climbing up.

I haven't doubted my salvation, I know He is real, I know He has done and will do miracles. I just feel like I am waiting in line for my miracle and all of the other lines are moving forward but my line...kinda stuck, passed over.

I don't feel like I deserve all of this sadness...but Scott really doesn't. I want out of this pit so he can be happy, so he can feel loved, feel like he has his life he wanted with his wife. I want to pray for that. Should I? Praying without expecting God to hear it..much less answer it... just doesn't mesh with what I was taught about praying.

Emotionally I think things are a little better. I am not sure if it is because of the numb feeling or that I am just handling it better. I am not sure if any who have read this blog felt that I might do something detrimental to myself. NEVER. I have felt the pain of that selfish act and would never put my family and friends through that. NEVER.

The skies are blue in NC today, sun is shining and I wish I could get a redo for the past 2 years yet still have the knowledge I have today. So much would be different I think.

Don't take for granted any everyday mundane thing you do such as walking to the mail box, sweeping the kitchen, washing laundry, picking up your niece or nephew, putting on your socks...I could go on and on. I never thought I would miss doing house work.

New back doctor next month.
New nerve pain meds started last week.
Waiting for the insurance lady to call back with answers to my questions.
One day at a time.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I can't

I don't even know how to start this really.

Just in a low dark place in life right now. It is so dark I honestly can't remember a time over the last ... almost 2 years that was truly happy and carefree.

I don't remember a YES from God in these past 2 years.

I can't even remember how it feels to be pain free, to feel free to jump out of bed in the morning and get ready for work. I took for granted the freedom to do normal every day things. Hopping in the car to run to Target or the grocery store...heck Hopping would be nice!

Overwhelmed with the ability to remember every no over the last 2 years, every bad, sad, draining, heartbreaking NO handed down to me by my loving Father.

Occasionally everyone...everyone needs something to hold on to. Some answer of YES, some personal yes to span the distance between those devastating no's.

Granted, I have prayed for others, for healing, for their happiness, and of course their yes's ... their blessings are wonderful and to a point lift me up to hope for my own. I have watched as family and friends have prayers answered, their faith renewed or strengthened. I am not jealous of their happiness - I really don't think this is jealousy. It isn't their fault that I am where I am.

I know...yes, I know that God has blessed me with air, water, home, food, life...but for the most part everyone has that. My needs are pretty much met...I guess that should be enough. But sometimes...once in a while we all need a want - a personal, all about me, all about my family, heart soothing, soul rejuvenating, faith renewing answer of YES to a want. My wants aren't something of my own, Scott a job closer to home, my pain to isn't like I am asking for some crazy unrealistic thing.

I thought time would soften this hurt, but it hasn't. Usually I get this overwhelmed and go through the anger, the hurt, the sadness finally making it to acceptance. I seem to get to acceptance and my faith is intact, my heart healing and I rest firm in the knowledge that my life and my whole being is in the hands of God.

I am stuck in anger, hurt and sadness. Within a time frame of a few days...I was bombarded with NO's. Not just the silence of not answering...which leaves hope. These were cut and dry...N-O! It wasn't just this job, if it was.... I think it would have never been this big of an issue in my heart and soul. When Scott got home that day that we found out he didn't get this job...half joking I said all we need now is a no to this certain prayer we had been praying and that will be the cherry on top. The next day...that cherry came. And it didn't stop there.

So here I am, feeling like my prayers, my wants are falling on deaf ears. I have never been one to expect the worse. I have always been one to see the potential, the possibility, the positive in most everything. Right now...I don't even feel like I can pray. I have even caught myself mid sentence saying Please Dear God....STOP IT HOPE...HE ISN"T LISTENING TO YOU! Maybe that sounds harsh or childish but I can't help but feel like my prayers are being redirected or aren't making it through the clouds.

It is difficult to see how all of this is impacting Scott. He works all day to come home to a wife that can't make love to him, can't really cook him a meal, can't lift clothes baskets to wash his clothes, barely keeping the house manageable. He never knows if he is coming home to a bucket of tears or a semi happy wife. He does know he hasn't came home to the woman he the last 2 years pretty much, and he doesn't know when or if his 'wife' will be back. I am lucky he comes home at all huh?

If not for friends, for my mom and dad, for Scott I think I would just stay in bed all day every day. Most of my family and my in-laws know nothing of what we are going through. Honestly no one knows it all. I hate pity.

I know that He saved my soul...the anniversary of that is March 9th. Kinda ironic that that date would coincide with the lowest point in my Christian walk. I have only felt this alone one other time. Not alone from family or friends...but alone from His grace, His love, His tender care.

I can't pray.
I can't remember how faith felt.
I can't feel Him.
I can't see the light.
I can't find my way out.
I can't type anymore....I can't see through the tears.