Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I can't

I don't even know how to start this really.

Just in a low dark place in life right now. It is so dark I honestly can't remember a time over the last ... almost 2 years that was truly happy and carefree.

I don't remember a YES from God in these past 2 years.

I can't even remember how it feels to be pain free, to feel free to jump out of bed in the morning and get ready for work. I took for granted the freedom to do normal every day things. Hopping in the car to run to Target or the grocery store...heck Hopping would be nice!

Overwhelmed with the ability to remember every no over the last 2 years, every bad, sad, draining, heartbreaking NO handed down to me by my loving Father.

Occasionally everyone...everyone needs something to hold on to. Some answer of YES, some personal yes to span the distance between those devastating no's.

Granted, I have prayed for others, for healing, for their happiness, and of course their yes's ... their blessings are wonderful and to a point lift me up to hope for my own. I have watched as family and friends have prayers answered, their faith renewed or strengthened. I am not jealous of their happiness - I really don't think this is jealousy. It isn't their fault that I am where I am.

I know...yes, I know that God has blessed me with air, water, home, food, life...but for the most part everyone has that. My needs are pretty much met...I guess that should be enough. But sometimes...once in a while we all need a want - a personal, all about me, all about my family, heart soothing, soul rejuvenating, faith renewing answer of YES to a want. My wants aren't something extreme...family of my own, Scott a job closer to home, my pain to ease...it isn't like I am asking for some crazy unrealistic thing.

I thought time would soften this hurt, but it hasn't. Usually I get this overwhelmed and go through the anger, the hurt, the sadness finally making it to acceptance. I seem to get to acceptance and my faith is intact, my heart healing and I rest firm in the knowledge that my life and my whole being is in the hands of God.

I am stuck in anger, hurt and sadness. Within a time frame of a few days...I was bombarded with NO's. Not just the silence of not answering...which leaves hope. These were cut and dry...N-O! It wasn't just this job, if it was.... I think it would have never been this big of an issue in my heart and soul. When Scott got home that day that we found out he didn't get this job...half joking I said all we need now is a no to this certain prayer we had been praying and that will be the cherry on top. The next day...that cherry came. And it didn't stop there.

So here I am, feeling like my prayers, my wants are falling on deaf ears. I have never been one to expect the worse. I have always been one to see the potential, the possibility, the positive in most everything. Right now...I don't even feel like I can pray. I have even caught myself mid sentence saying Please Dear God....STOP IT HOPE...HE ISN"T LISTENING TO YOU! Maybe that sounds harsh or childish but I can't help but feel like my prayers are being redirected or aren't making it through the clouds.

It is difficult to see how all of this is impacting Scott. He works all day to come home to a wife that can't make love to him, can't really cook him a meal, can't lift clothes baskets to wash his clothes, barely keeping the house manageable. He never knows if he is coming home to a bucket of tears or a semi happy wife. He does know he hasn't came home to the woman he married...in the last 2 years pretty much, and he doesn't know when or if his 'wife' will be back. I am lucky he comes home at all huh?

If not for friends, for my mom and dad, for Scott I think I would just stay in bed all day every day. Most of my family and my in-laws know nothing of what we are going through. Honestly no one knows it all. I hate pity.

I know that He saved my soul...the anniversary of that is March 9th. Kinda ironic that that date would coincide with the lowest point in my Christian walk. I have only felt this alone one other time. Not alone from family or friends...but alone from His grace, His love, His tender care.

I can't pray.
I can't remember how faith felt.
I can't feel Him.
I can't see the light.
I can't find my way out.
I can't type anymore....I can't see through the tears.

11 comments:

  1. Blogger seems to be on the fritz, so please ignore this comment if you already received my first comment.

    I'm sorry that you've been feeling this way. And worried that you've been feeling this way for a long time. Is there anybody that you could speak to? A therapist or counselor, perhaps your pastor? When you are feeling so low, it often takes the helps of others to bring you back. It's OK to need help and to ask for help from God AND from other people.

    I'm here if you need to talk. Big Hugs.

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  2. I am so sorry you are feeling stuck in this place of despair and sadness. I don't have much to offer besides words of comfort and prayers sent in your direction.

    Know that God is holding you in the palm of His hand and may you be surrounded by the love of friends and family at this time.

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  3. In our greatest moments of dispair, when there are no words and only tears, God hears us. When we are at our brink and the thought swirl and eddy, God hears us. That is when the Holy Spirit intercedes and takes our sorrow and muumurings to God for us.

    I will not give platitudes. I have been where you are at and it is scary. These are the times that we lean on the "earth angels" in our lives to help us through the dark times.

    It may seem like the answer is, No, but sometimes it is, Not yet. I do not know why you are going through these struggles and at this moment but at some point the morning comes and we see the light through the trees and our hope is restored.

    You are in my prayers. {{HUGS}}

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  4. Came here from Lost and Found.

    I've been where you are. I've made it to this point where I have some happiness. It sucks to be there, but it is possible to get through.

    One other thing that helped was a psychologist who specialized in Infertility. I reccommend finding one.

    Take care

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  5. Just a week ago I was down in those blackest of holes. By the grace of God I made it out without harming myself, but it was very, very close to having a different ending. My heart breaks that another knows such pain in her heart, soul, and body. If you can't pray right now, I will pray for you. Hang in there any way you can.

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  6. I am so sorry you're in this place. I've felt the distance you're feeling before & I can tell you its hard. I pray for you that God will prove His love for you & send you a friend or confidant for a time like this. Please hold on

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  7. I just came over from the Lost and Found also. My heart hurts reading this post - I know how painful that deep despair can be. I hope it is a comfort to know that you are not alone and that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many. I would also second some of the previous comments - I have found it a huge help to have a counsellor who is familiar with infertility.

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  8. Your post is so full of pain, it made me tear up. Infertility is such a deep, soul scarring pain - I am so sorry you have to feel this :( I have nothing to say that would help, but that I get it, and I care.

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  9. I know how you feel. I've been in a similar place - that place where you feel God can't or won't enter. That total aloneness. I can't promise it will end soon, but I can tell you that he loves you and at the end of this you will understand, somewhat, why you have been in the refining fires so long. It seems like an eternity, no?

    I will be praying for you and for Scott. It was a very long time that my husband came home to a different woman than he married. A woman who was in constant pain, couldn't make love to him, couldn't even make the bed. And a woman who can't give him a child. Trust that you are not alone (either from God or us humans) and that many people are praying for you.

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  10. Delurking to say, I am sorry that you are feeling this way. Realize thoughm that when He seems farthest away from us, when our prayers seem most ineffective, and it seems our cries are falling on deaf ears, that God is holding us close to His heart.
    He's not far way, He's holding you right now because He loves you and doesn't want you to be in such pain. I've been there, thought I would literally lose my mind but Jesus kept me the only way He knew how. Lean on Him, trust that even though you can't pray, He hears the whispers of your heart and the groanings which cannot be uttered.
    He loves you, please believe that.
    Will be praying for you. . . . .

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  11. It hurts my soul to the core that you are hurting so bad and there is NOTHING that I can do to help you. It makes me so sad. I hate the place that you are in. I mapquested Myrtle Beach today. I thought that perhaps I could come capture you and take you to Myrtle Beach and give you sunshine therapy for a week you would feel better! It’s over 15 hours though… and I’m broke. If I were a millionaire I would do that. For now, I promise to pray for you more. That is the only thing that I can think to do. I love you friend, and if I can share your burden in any way, please let me do that!

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