I don't even know how to start this really.
Just in a low dark place in life right now. It is so dark I honestly can't remember a time over the last ... almost 2 years that was truly happy and carefree.
I don't remember a YES from God in these past 2 years.
I can't even remember how it feels to be pain free, to feel free to jump out of bed in the morning and get ready for work. I took for granted the freedom to do normal every day things. Hopping in the car to run to Target or the grocery store...heck Hopping would be nice!
Overwhelmed with the ability to remember every no over the last 2 years, every bad, sad, draining, heartbreaking NO handed down to me by my loving Father.
Occasionally everyone...everyone needs something to hold on to. Some answer of YES, some personal yes to span the distance between those devastating no's.
Granted, I have prayed for others, for healing, for their happiness, and of course their yes's ... their blessings are wonderful and to a point lift me up to hope for my own. I have watched as family and friends have prayers answered, their faith renewed or strengthened. I am not jealous of their happiness - I really don't think this is jealousy. It isn't their fault that I am where I am.
I know...yes, I know that God has blessed me with air, water, home, food, life...but for the most part everyone has that. My needs are pretty much met...I guess that should be enough. But sometimes...once in a while we all need a want - a personal, all about me, all about my family, heart soothing, soul rejuvenating, faith renewing answer of YES to a want. My wants aren't something extreme...family of my own, Scott a job closer to home, my pain to ease...it isn't like I am asking for some crazy unrealistic thing.
I thought time would soften this hurt, but it hasn't. Usually I get this overwhelmed and go through the anger, the hurt, the sadness finally making it to acceptance. I seem to get to acceptance and my faith is intact, my heart healing and I rest firm in the knowledge that my life and my whole being is in the hands of God.
I am stuck in anger, hurt and sadness. Within a time frame of a few days...I was bombarded with NO's. Not just the silence of not answering...which leaves hope. These were cut and dry...N-O! It wasn't just this job, if it was.... I think it would have never been this big of an issue in my heart and soul. When Scott got home that day that we found out he didn't get this job...half joking I said all we need now is a no to this certain prayer we had been praying and that will be the cherry on top. The next day...that cherry came. And it didn't stop there.
So here I am, feeling like my prayers, my wants are falling on deaf ears. I have never been one to expect the worse. I have always been one to see the potential, the possibility, the positive in most everything. Right now...I don't even feel like I can pray. I have even caught myself mid sentence saying Please Dear God....STOP IT HOPE...HE ISN"T LISTENING TO YOU! Maybe that sounds harsh or childish but I can't help but feel like my prayers are being redirected or aren't making it through the clouds.
It is difficult to see how all of this is impacting Scott. He works all day to come home to a wife that can't make love to him, can't really cook him a meal, can't lift clothes baskets to wash his clothes, barely keeping the house manageable. He never knows if he is coming home to a bucket of tears or a semi happy wife. He does know he hasn't came home to the woman he married...in the last 2 years pretty much, and he doesn't know when or if his 'wife' will be back. I am lucky he comes home at all huh?
If not for friends, for my mom and dad, for Scott I think I would just stay in bed all day every day. Most of my family and my in-laws know nothing of what we are going through. Honestly no one knows it all. I hate pity.
I know that He saved my soul...the anniversary of that is March 9th. Kinda ironic that that date would coincide with the lowest point in my Christian walk. I have only felt this alone one other time. Not alone from family or friends...but alone from His grace, His love, His tender care.
I can't pray.
I can't remember how faith felt.
I can't feel Him.
I can't see the light.
I can't find my way out.
I can't type anymore....I can't see through the tears.