Monday started off like most days lately - sleeping in until lunch time (and I hope to hear back from the doctors about that SOON). I checked my email and there was something short and sweet (not really sweet...why do we say that?) from a friend. The short few words were something like please read my blog. I went....title for the day was We're Done! My heart jumped into my throat....before I read further I was saying out loud - they have one more cycle, they still have meds....why God let her find out about the endo and that the endo was what kept her from getting pregnant for the last 5 years. Why God do that and then even with extreme measures You don't let her feel her dream forming in her womb...ugh WHY!?!?!
I was angry, I literally stomped around this house at one point...and stomping is not easy in the current status of my back.
I was hurt, she has been a God send to me...literally He had to of sent her to me - out of all the people on all the fertility websites we chose the same one. God...yeah He did that. And now He is letting her hurt and basically join me in this pit of discontent, confusion, anger, pain, hopelessness ... did I mention this was a pit!?! Kari can't be in a pit....she is Kari! But...look there she is!
I was confused. This woman is such a woman of God. She prays, she sings, she leads, she witnesses, she stands up for Christ and His word. Why then put her through this. Are we not taught from a young age...behave and do what your dad says and you will get a treat, or something special. Our daddy's always came through - I remember the coke and Reese's cup almost ever day. She is our Father's child, she has behaved...she deserved a treat!
I was sad. Here I am...her Christian friend - one she depends on to pray for her to lift her up to God when she has no strength to do it herself. Well, I am in the flippin same pit and I can't lift myself up much less someone else. So I cried out to Him....give me my prayer back so I can pray for her. God I need my prayer back. This carried over to Tuesday. Standing in the shower (stop picturing me naked - not a pretty site anyways), I cried and begged Him to let me help my friend. I prayed for God to give me my prayer back. Later that day, I was sitting on the couch, my mom calls and says Hope...watch channel 11 and listen to this sermon about Hope. I was sad dang it, I didn't want to hear a preacher - I am mad at God for not giving me my prayers back at least so I can pray for others. But I said "Ok mom, I will watch it". I had no intentions of watching...but guilt won me over and I watched.
He preached about Hope, how without it and faith we are lost. How if we get resentful and bitter towards God and stay in that place for long it eats away at our souls. He said even in the sad, bad times we should rejoice and praise him. I yelled (I hope people can't hear me outside - if so there will be men with a white jacket here soon so I must type faster) -YELLED at the preacher...how can I rejoice at such a time as this??? How? Almost as soon as I said that he asked his congregation to bow their heads for prayer. I rolled my eyes and said I can't pray. Then he pointed at the camera and said all those watching in their living rooms close your eyes and pray. It was like he was pointing at me, and heard what I said. I closed my eyes and visions of me crying out to God for my prayer life back, begging him to let me pray for Kari - she needs me God...she needs You! I was praying so hard to get my prayers back...then - ton of bricks on my head. Did ya read what I wrote? I was praying to get my prayers back. I will say it again - it took me a while too. I prayed to get my prayers back. I am such a dork - I was praying all along. Then it all just came out like a flood...praying for Kari, for friends and family and Scott and all kinds of others.
I wrote her an email that rivals most emails. Wanting it to be all about her, all about her healing...and dag nab it it helped me as well. She read it and we talked last night for a couple hours. She and I are getting out of this pit together.
I wish I could say that I was totally ok and back on track. The storm still rages, but He is the anchor that holds me. I still feel like He has forgotten me, I still feel like my life is rocking back and forth.
There is that little light shining down, the pit doesn't feel as deep - thought that might be cause it is cramped in here with Kari and her big ole self.
I laughed so hard with Scott the night before. I hadn't laughed in a long time it felt. He came to bed and I put my ice cold feet on his legs and back and he screamed like a little girl. We both laughed and laughed. I think that was the first break in all of this - a simple belly laugh.