I picked up the book by Beth Moore - Getting out of the pit. I bought this book a few months ago after the suggestion of a wonderful singer told me how it helped her get out of her pit of fear and pain. I started reading it again and one of the first chapters was about feeling 'stuck'. Funny how one of my last posts I said...I feel stuck!
I want to get back to praying every chance I got - which was multiple times a day. I open my mouth to say please Lord and I stop...I just stop. Stuck. Am I getting comfortable in this pit and taking up residence? My radios were always on a christian/gospel station. I haven't turned on a radio in weeks. The one in the car is on some pop station now. Hasn't been changed. All I have to do is hit the first programmed button and it goes straight to Joy FM. STUCK.
My mom calls and tells me to watch a preacher on TV that is giving a good message. I say sure to not hurt her feelings or make her think I am spiralling...but I leave it on TLC to finish watching some home makeover. I am not spiralling, I am at the bottom. Stuck in this pit. I keep waiting for some thing to happen, some thing to make me fall on my knees and pray ... that is all I want to do is pray. I feel like if I can get back to there at least the rest will just come back on it's own.
I want to feel that connection with God that praying gives...that it sustains.
I feel like I am here........................... ............................God is way over there and that gap can only close if I can pray. I wanted to pray for a friend who had a failed IUI cycle, I wanted to pray for Scott while he was sick, I want to pray for my own healing, I want to pray for my brother in laws wedding, I want to pray for my parents. I just want to pray to thank Him for a beautiful day, for my daffodils blooming so pretty in my yard. I have a prayer list that is filled with family and friends and strangers. I look at that list almost daily and I can't find the words that used to come naturally.
HOW DO I GET IT BACK? I do want it back. I want out of this pit, I want that relationship with God back.
I read the book on the way to a birthday party for my nephew. He is 5. He is beautiful. He hugs and kisses Scott and I, and no matter the mood it elevates us above any sadness that this party is not for our child. On the way there I had put down the book as we got off the interstate. The gift shuffling across the back seat with each turn, its' movement not interupted by a child saftey seat snuggly attached. The huge blue bow on top struggling to stay on not being pulled at by a nosey toddler in the back seat.
When we shopped for Caleb, Scott and I always feel the same things....oooo our child would love this, wish I was shopping for our son or daughter. I remember times when we would actually buy things for our 'child'. That has stopped. The box that had toys, a few clothes and other baby accouterments has stopped growing and for the most part the things in that box have found their way to other children and kid visitors.
We were handling it all very well, watching the kids run and bowl and yell for mommy and daddy to see the pins that they knocked down. Then there was the 3 month old baby there, friends of my nephews mother. She was so cute, being passed from woman to woman. Not me, I didn't offer my arms and wasn't asked to hold her. Then there were 3 women in my life sitting at our table talking about the sizes of their children at birth, they even tried to engage me in this conversation. I shoved a french fry in my mouth and blamed the hotness of it for the reason my eyes are tearing up. UGH
Just every day there is something that reminds me why I am here, why I am stuck. Whether it be a pregnant 15 year old walking through Wal-Mart or a young couple looking at vacation photos of them hiking and having a great time, or a mother swinging her child around in a circle not worrying about her back pain - because she has none. No matter if on some TV show where something grand happens or something I see in real life...something reminds me of my prayers...my personal for me prayers either being shut down or not answered. I get angry and am becoming bitter. What if I stay here? How bleak is that!?! I have become one of those the glass is half empty kinda girls. That has never been me. I have always been able to see the good, even the possibility of good.
I hope this book helps me, I hope the pit is temporary. I can't stand this - this pit disconnects me from people, God, life...and worse of all I think I have brought Scott into it with me. ... no think about it..I have brought him in it with me. :( Scary because he was always the one on the other end of the rope pulling me out. I even see the rope coiled up in the corner of this pit so even if there were someone up there....I hope they have another rope! EEEEEEK
The new medication he put me on for nerve pain is making me even more crazy. Today...I woke up at 12:30...pm not am! I went to bed Saturday night by 9. Actually was in bed around 8 took 2 pain pills and finally went to sleep by 9. It wasn't that I was laying there tossing and not sleeping...I slept 15 hours!!! I could have stayed asleep had it not been for Scott waking me. That has to be some world record or something. I was going to stop it on Friday but I thought I should wait until I talk to the doctor. I could go back to sleep right now I bet. UGH.
OK, book is written ha ha. I do feel better after posting here for some reason.