Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Baby showers, poems, angels and alligators...haha

Today I read so many friends getting negative news, I feel their pain and wish that things were different for us all. They are in my prayers, and the prayers of others.

This evening I was preparing an invitation for the baby shower I am giving for Brad and Marquita. Looking at some examples, reading the poems or sayings written in them, I couldn't stop my eyes from tearing up. I had to stop, I don't know if I can really do this. Every time I started, I had to stop and breathe...I couldn't stop the flood of thoughts of will I ever have my name on a baby shower invitation???? (other than given by). Will I ever be the subject of it's a girl or it's a boy? Takes my breath.

Tomorrows a new day, I will do this, Brad deserves it from me.

This is part of the invite....such a great idea!!

A card is nice, its sentiment sweet,
But a book will keep baby on her feet.
For years to come, baby will read
Longing for stories will never be a need.
A shelf full of wisdom for all to give,
For baby to keep as long as she shall live.
Filling the shelf should not be hard,
If you would please sign a book instead of a card.

About 15 years ago I started buying books and Disney movies...thinking soon, soon my baby will be using these. It got to be almost obsessive. Then Scott graduated college and we started moving a lot...and all those books and movies got to be way too much. Then I got so mad that we weren't having a child that I gave the books to a friend and some of the movies to my niece and nephew. It was not only a chore to move them, but they weighted on my mind and heart too. I go through spells still buying clothes or something cute...well, I haven't in a long time...but I have succeeded in giving most of it away. UGH

Anyways, tonight just got better, while writing this Scott came in to snuggle and in followed Henry the cat...snuggles make everything better. And him bring home bacon and raspberry crepes didn't hurt either :) (Love ya Leslie)...speaking of Leslie, I got a box in the mail yesterday...opened it and here was this great letter....great until it gets to the part "DON"T OPEN ANYTHING UNTIL YOU CALL ME". Does she not know how hard it is for a girl to have wrapped boxes in another box and not open them....grrr. The picture and baby announcement held me over.

Finally Scott got home and we called her and opened the gifts while her and Colin and Burt sung Merry Christmas was Christmas and my birthday gifts :) I LOVE Willow Tree and she got me a pair of angels...sisters by heart. AWWW, some yummy body butter and Scott got a great devotional book. One of the best parts was the donation to a charity in our names, those are one of the best gifts anyone can give. It meant a lot to us, but also to the charity.

Well, it is getting late and I think I am heading to sleep...slept like crap last all night long night mare about this detailed and it was a pet of the inlaws for part of the dream...blah it was crazy, I think because I didn't take anything to help me sleep.

To those who got negative betas and have other sad things happening in their are in my prayers, I wish there was something I could personally do.


Tuesday, April 29, 2008


I read and heard this over the last 2 days...

On Monday, CPS announced that almost 60 percent of the underage girls from the Eldorado ranch are pregnant or already have children. Another child was born to a teen mother on Tuesday.

It sickens me, to tears! The fact that they do this and claim it is OK with God, or even directed by God...that fact is crazy enough, but the mothers claiming they had no idea, or knew of no sex with minors is equally crazy. At first, I admit I felt sorry for them - the mothers, but hearing and reading all that has developed with the young girls...they don't deserve the children. Their job is to protect them and they failed.

And if that doesn't anger me enough....of course that huge gynormous word WHY crept in...not just why, but why them and not me!? I felt like I could picture God with his hands held out, I am in one and one of these 13 year old girls in the other...and He is simulating weighing us in each of his palms...Hmmmm give a baby to her....this 13 year old girl who given the chance will raise that child in this abusive, sick cult....or give a baby to Hope who loves Me, who has a great family and wonderful husband...hmm hard choice but....I think I will go with the 13 year old, yeah....that is what I will do. Photobucket

I know this isn't logical, I know that this isn't how He does things.....but give a girl a break when drama queen is in the drivers seat!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Cute huh?

Ohh and I figured out how to add my name to the end of posts, this one was the first one I made...gonna make a better one, but was thrilled to figure it out. Am working on making my own figuring it out.


Baby Showers

Baby showers...sigh, super hard to attend one. I love my niece so much and that is the only reason I made an effort to go. Was so hard to sit there watching all the gifts being opened, all the ooooing and ahhing. Followed by the onset of every 'mother' there talking about their pregnancies, their showers....I felt so out of place. I couldn't chime in, I couldn't picture myself sitting in the center chair....I couldn't breathe at one point.

The shower happened to be held at a church, the sanctuary easily accessible. Just after the cake was cut I slipped out and made my way through the dark sanctuary to a bench to lick my wounds in private. I couldn't go back to the shower, I heard several asking where I was...I heard whispers and could feel the sympathy ooze my way. Finally almost everyone left. A well-meaning sister in law made her way to the sanctuary to 'console' me. Teresa doesn't know what I was feeling, she tried to make me feel better I guess...but those comments I had just posted about...the "God has a plan", "maybe he will do something else for you", "maybe a child will land on your doorstep". I couldn't be angry about her.

The baby is due sooner than we thought, she has a follow up US this week to firm up the date.

And if that wasn't hard enough, I am planning the shower for my other pregnant niece. I volunteered...I KNOW what was I thinking? I was thinking how much I love Brad and Kita, I was thinking how much he has done for me during this past year, I was thinking how he cried for me one day when we were talking about his baby to be...and he was crying for me, he wished I could have a baby too. He is that special! He is more than my nephew, he has always been one I could depend on for anything, he does it because he loves me as much as I love him. That is why I would do this most difficult conquers all, well at least most.


Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Givin' it Him!

Monday...Scott comes in (after multiple calls through the day), he almost seemed to be bouncing when he walked. He says that he has never felt like he is right now, and couldn't imagine working anywhere else. We talked about some of the other jobs that he didn't get and how they would not have been anything like he has now. We talked about how sad and angry we were when a door was closed. We thanked God that He gave Scott the job that would be the best all the way around. He knew that this job was coming, we would have settled for anything to get him closer to home. But, HE knew....He knew what we needed - and he gave it to us on his time, not ours.

Tuesday...We both are lighter, we both are talking and laughing and he said something to me that was so true. He said he forgot 'this us'. He forgot that we are corny and giggled at the silliest things. He forgot that we hugged just to hug and copped a feel sometimes. He forgot that we joked and laughed. We had been in such a place that we hugged just to console each other, we talked about what was wrong - not what was right. Few things made us laugh and giggle, our nightly chats that use to end in a great snuggle and laughs...for a long time I was asleep by the time he got in bed and there was little talk. I forgot about this us too, I like this this us. Last night we fell asleep wrapped up in each other instead of only our feet touching.

Wednesday....He just called, his voice sounds so different. He is happy. He is going to his brothers to work on his computer. His family lives only a few minutes from his job. He works with 3 men and 1 woman. He says they are all super nice and the guys like to play games online and some of the ones that he plays. He has only made 'friends' at one other job and that was in Myrtle Beach. No where else has he felt like he had real friends where he could invite over or go out with. I just hope they have nice wives :).

So that is where we are with his job. We are beyond happy with all aspects of it. It is funny how just one big thing, but one thing can flip it and we went from despair and sadness and anger to happiness. It happened in one breath.

May 8th I see the neuro doc, praying he will fix me so I can get back to normal. I would love to go back to work...out of this house.

I read a blog yesterday. I respect her opinions and honestly felt some of what she was feeling during the lowest of times. She doesn't understand why God lets things happen, why He lets His children hurt. She doesn't believe in Him at all. She experienced one of the worse losses a women can experience. 36 weeks she lost her child. I can't imagine her pain, and I understand her doubt. I agree that when people hear you have went through something and say "God has a plan" angers her and me.

It is hard when a woman says "Maybe God doesn't want you to have children", it makes me angry! Why chose a 15 year old to have a baby, why does He chose her over me!? It confuses me when I read that If I delight in Him, He will give me my hearts desires. I don't understand.

But, I do know that He loves me and that He is on time all the time. Even when I push and shove Him away, He pulls and holds me in His arms. Once I gave Him my heart, I am His and He won't let go. Even when I don't understand His ways, I am so confused that I doubt my heart...even then He shows me love and compassion.

Others had posted to her that He is real and that He loves her. Her heart is closed to Him right now, am sure so many are praying for her. I understand how she feels, I have asked all the same questions.

His grace is sufficient. He is there always, we have the choice to take it to Him or do it ourselves. Looking back on my life my toughest time was when I thought I could do it alone.

I am giving it all to Him, and yes, I have done it many times before to only jerk it back when I think it isn't happening how I want it to.

Dear God, I am giving you my burdens. You have the power to make all my prayers come true, and also the power to give me peace if my prayers are not going to be answered how I want. God you know that my heart is consumed with having a child. A child that I would give back to You, a child that would know Your love and grace and power. Lord, You know that my back can't handle a pregnancy as it is, couldn't handle the day to day care of a baby. I am praying for healing in my back, give this new doctor the discernment to make me better and to prepare my body for a child. Fixing my back will be the one thing that will help fix the rest of my body. I will be able to exercise and lose weight and be a better representative of You. God Scott will be such a great father, he loves You so much and he will take the time to teach him or her about You. Be with my friends Lord, keep them safe and bless them with their heart's desires as well. There are few going through IUI's and at least one just went through an IVF. Dear Lord, You gave these doctors the knowledge to do these procedures and help fertility challenged women have a child. Bless them and make their efforts fruitful. Be with my family, bless them with good health and lots of happiness. Thank you Lord for all you have done in my life, lead us to the right church and let us find a great church family. Bless Leslie and Burt, Colin and Jack Henry. Leslie's grandmother is sick with cancer and the entire family needs Your touch to grant them peace and clear minds so they can agree on her treatment. I ask all of this in Your precious name, Amen.

What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!

Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful,
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there.

Sunday, April 20, 2008


Week went by so fast. I made a grocery list, went to 4 different grocery stores and bought over 300 bux in groceries...never done that. I had to change a lot of things, tossed a lot. My diet has to change for my diabetes sake.

Ohh did I forget to on Insulin now. 3 huge needles a day. I am getting used to them but still, did I get there? How did get from taking metformin 5 or so years ago to treat my PCOS, to upping the dose because my sugars started taking Insulin 3 times a day. How did that happen!?!

So, let's just tally this up...

PCOS (google it if you wanna know more)
hypertension...on 3 medications for that yay
hyperlipidemia...yay to Lipitor!
diabetes...nuff said
back pain...taking Lyric.a, pain medication and cele.brex
hypothyroidism...woot on Syn.throid

all that together equals....

no doctor in his right mind will ever try to get me pregnant

which equals....well, that is obvious and there is no point in stating the obvious.

I have been thinking about this all week. You know how you can close your eyes and picture what you will be doing next year for Easter. You picture your child picking up eggs or you on a vacation somewhere nice. I close my eyes and I can't see past tomorrow. I can't see past this back pain, the bottle of insulin in the frig, the next finger stick, the next hand full of pills for this or that. Sure, I have plans...such as a wedding for a friend in September. I am not focused on how much fun it will be to spend time with friends, how beautiful it will all be...I am wondering if I will be able to walk without pain, stand without leaning on someone, if Scott doesn't go who will drive me - will I be able to drive?

But, maybe that is a good thing? I should be looking at the next step instead of ten steps away...since those steps are dependant on the next step taken. (if you are confused....I am right there with ya)

I guess I am in the process of taking the next step. Fixing my sugars - via healthier eating and medications. I can't exercise which is so important in diabetes but getting rid of the pain will lower the sugars and hopefully get me to where I can exercise. Losing weight and moving will help fix all of it.

I am being more strict on my intake, I have dreams hinge on it, my health...last chance, 2009 is coming like a freight train and if I don't do it will be too late.

I am doing this 10 pounds at a time. Every 10 pounds is a step.

I am waiting for neurodoc appointment, to take away my pain.

On a sweet note, babies are coming....Cara is already having some contractions. A fellow blogger got her long awaited BFP....CONGRATS to her, I am happy when just any ole person gets pregnant (well, most of the time). But...when it is someone who knows the road, felt the pain...gets pregnant it gives hope to all of us that are still hoping.

I had a great dinner at my mom and dads today. It felt like home, they are back downstairs. Several from my family was there and we all ate good and I got to stretch out on moms bed and just enjoyed being home.

We left and rode down to Gilboa church, beautiful as usual. Found an odd bush and took a pic, so pretty. THEN...we get home and hear a bird...crazy loud scary bird! Finally we saw it in the tree next door and it was a peacock! I couldn't believe something so big could fly but it sure took off and took my breath with it.

All that beauty, God blessed me with all that beauty today.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

A few wedding pictures

This is the lovely bride Jennifer and her son Jakey

This is Scott and Chirsten...she loves her uncle Scooter!

Finally husband and wife sealed with a kiss!

'Our' mother in law Lena and Jennifer
Me and my Chirsten...she has this way about her that melts away any sadness that might be in my day with just one hug and that toothy grin.

Caleb and John, Caleb is my other source of sunshine....he gives the best hugs! John my father in law is pretty great too!
The in-laws...a great example of love and family...and marriage.

a picture I retouched...they are so pretty together!!
me and my babe!
The Lail Males!!!
aww such a pretty minature bride!
And such a handsome ring bearer!

Operation Baby...still have hope

Operation baby seems to have stalled. The back problems limit almost all types of intimacy. Can't get pregnant without exposure... :)

Mostly I have been ok with it since the prayers answered about the job. It was just what we needed, it restored hope.

Then there are days...have I ever mentioned how much I hate some commercials. I could list them and most people who are trying to conceive will agree that they are like little daggers tossed through that black box right to my heart and uterus.

I admit I watch some soaps, not as regular as in the past...but enough to keep up with the stories. It sickens me recently how some of the women are so flippant with getting pregnant. It is like they put the baby and say...their career on a scale and try to rationalize which one is best for their future. I know these are fictional stories, but they happen every day in real life. I can not reconcile in my mind and heart how wonderful women...loving and long for a child can go barren and women who I am sure have good qualities but they don't' want a child, they don't want to share a son or a daughter with the love of their lives....they get the blessing of a tiny human being that shares her ears and his eyes....they get it!?! They get it and chose to throw it away.

January 2009 is rapidly approaching and I promised to myself that on my birthday in January that I will give it up, no more meds, no more special doctors, no more temping and checking cervical mucous. No more hope for a child of my womb. That will be the end of that dream, but the beginning of another...adoption. People say it so easily..."why don't you adopt"? Like it is something you can just do. Like you can walk into the hospital and say ok, I want to adopt...ohh that one with the head of hair and soft round nose.

I wish it were that easy, I think about all the babies that have been ab.orted and how many women and families would have taken them and they would gladly take the new title of mommy or daddy. If all those babies were still in this world, it would probably be so much easier to find a child to adopt.

Ugh...anyways...I am waiting now until my new insurance kicks in to initiate with the RE. This insurance pays like the last for infertility. I really feel like he won't do much for me until my back is fixed. So I will do whatever is necessary to fix it with this new doctor. Our appointment for last week had to be rescheduled to May 6th.

So now I am going to work on losing weight, have lost 20 pounds since Christmas and that is a lot for someone who can't exercise. I have to get my sugars under control which is hard to do with all the pain.

On the health front...bah. last 3 days I have been nauseated and vomiting. My sugars have been so high...347 was the highest yesterday. I don't know if I have a bug or what, but under penalty of making Scott mad...I will call the doc tomorrow and see what he thinks. I really think it may be my thyroid. My temps are ranging from 96 to 97. While the 97's aren't new to me, last night when it was at it's lowest was when I was the sickest. I was sweating like I had a fever but was so cold to the touch and sore all over like it was a fever. Today is better though.

Just as an aside: baked potatoes are great when I am sick, those and salty lays chips or saltines. Apple juice is also something I can keep down. Scott went to Wendys and got me a tater and has stayed down and makes me hope this is over.

We went to the in-laws yesterday. Scott helped his dad do a lot of things and I just crashed on the couch. Lena was like a little angel to me. She fixed dinner and made me a comfy place on the couch. She brought me anything I needed and even gave me some pepcid :).

Things will be ok though, I got God on my side and he has blessed me with so much!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Life goes on...

Time sure flies…even when you ain’t havin fun!

Last weekend was my brother in laws wedding, it was beautiful and I wish them so much happiness. But it all – including the shopping for a dress and shoes the week before took so much out of me. I haven’t done much over the last few days. I have been so wiped out.

The air is lighter around us though, the thought that after Thursday he won’t be climbing that mountain to work in Asheville. Such a relief! Before we found out about this job, we decided to keep track of how much we spend on gas. We planned on getting a pre paid gas card so we knew we had all the money we needed for we felt we were spending more on gas than anything else. 9 days and we have put in 294.00 in gas! That is like 30 bux a day – that is CRAZY!

Just so happy that we have a lessened gas bill to look forwards to, along with better insurance, more time together, more enjoyment at his job, more time off…just so many positives in this new job.

Other things going on…Cara is about to have her baby…really soon I think. She is excited. I spent some time with them recently and Illan is growing up and is so smart. He is talking so much and is sooo cute, that chubby belly and those legs are so darling.

Marquita and Brad are happy and the pregnancy is going great. They are due in June and Lisa and I are going to give them a baby shower. Kita looks so cute pregnant. Brad is so doting on her, he loves her so much. Her and Cara both are having girls….Ida and Italy will be the first names.

Misti is due in June too I think. As far as I know things are going good with her pregnancy. They decided not to find out what they are having and make it a surprise. If afforded to opportunity to be pregnant – I think this would be my decision as well. Leslie did it with both of her pregnancies and it was really sweet and it made for a great surprise. I saw some pictures of Lily and she is growing too, she is losing all her baby fat and is getting tall and so pretty.

Mom and dad are doing good, they moved back downstairs – FINALLY! Dad is feeling better but still has his days. Mom still needs her oxygen at times, but I think she will feel a lot better now that she is down stairs. IF I am feeling up to it I am going to try to plan a few family get togethers.

This is all on the family and such.

Friday, April 04, 2008

That's what friends are for...(I promise not to sing it)

A friend emailed me to ask how she could help. How can she make any of this any reply:

You just did.

Skies were as black as night lately. I looked back through the darkness trying to find where I went wrong, what I did to put myself...and unfortunately Scott and close friends in this dark place.

Having faith it just adds another layer to it all in a way. Believing that He truly holds it all in His hands and molds it and makes it what it is...believing all of that causes the believer to at times blindly go about life.

Things go great - praise Him.
Things go bad - praise him... there is a song I love called I will praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns. I heard it, sang along with it...believed and echoed the words and their meaning.

Then the storm took a turn - nasty, dark, bitter...did I mention dark turn! It was like umm well, ok this storm is not going away. Did the check list of my Christian walk and the list of yes checks far outweighed the no ones.

So what is it? Is it me? What did I do? What did I not do?

Bitterness snuck in, anger tagged along. Doubt and confusion wasn't far behind. It was getting crowded in my little world and it wasn't all fluff and flowers and sunshine.

My first mistake - letting them all take a seat at my table. But, my defenses were down, happiness in our own personal lives were at an all time low...those black dark emotions came in like they had reservations in my soul or something.

My second mistake - staying there. Bringing those around me in to it too, instead of clawing my way out to meet them in the sunshine. They tried to bring their own but it was a mandatory check at the door.

So I gave anger the control - or maybe it was bitterness...either way I became a passenger of sorts. I got resentful of others living their happy little lives not noticing that I was in a downward spiral. I stopped talking to my God consciously at least, there were no prayers, not one utter of a please, Jesus, Dear Father - nothing for weeks. Big change from praying every day all through the day - from the "whew, thank You God for helping me find my wallet" to the all out on my knees praying for all sorts of things - thanking Him. NO praise music, no church. I told my parents I didn't want to hear how He loves me and He has a plan...I couldn't take it.

So...for a few weeks that was me. I at least had Kari and my friend Leslie - my true faith partners who knows every detail of my life pretty much. Both carry similar crosses that I carry, for some reason they were my lifelines. Not Scott really, not my family, not other friends...they were it.

Then just as this storm lets loose, Leslie has a baby - I can't lay all of this at her doorstep. She has a 2 year old and now a new son. Really all of this really got swirling when our trip to be there for the birth of Jack Henry was canceled. I needed her, I love our calls...but I needed that release, ahh moment...that whatever we get when we share the same space with a person who loves you flaws and all and we don't even have to talk about 'stuff ', just laugh and be silly and love on those precious babies. Make fun of Burt and Scott, we get the inside jokes. There are things that happen with us that no one else on this earth would find funny or interesting but us. That trip being taken away was like a levy breaking. It wasn't the beginning to say the least, but it was in ways the beginning of the end...if that makes sense.

Then after that clear cut NO, one after another came. Cascade of events - those we had really no control over happened. That is when it happened, my faith got tossed out there on the edge and it started 'teetering' as you put it and I had no clear answer how to get it back on safe ground.

Few if any family read my blog, so I knew the only ones that would know what was going on were Leslie and Kari and a few others that lifted me up when my elevator was broken. I didn't want family really to get into it with me. Some are so opinionated about everything and all I needed was to add an argument on top of all that was already on top of me.

So strangers left messages on my blog, they have no idea what those fresh breaths of air did for me. They kept me breathing, they prayed when I couldn't, so unselfish with their time and prayers for someone they know only by a few entries here and there.

Kari...she understood. That was all I needed to hear from her, Hope I understand. I am here, my prayers are yours...I understand. I will never ever be able to repay her for all she did for me.

I felt horrible that I couldn't help you, couldn't encourage you, I tried a little but D I am so sorry that my reserves were spent and I was living on credit for a few of those days. I had another friend who lost her father, was planning her second IVF and she went in for some blood work cause she was sick and bam...pregnant while on a break. It made me believe, it made me start pulling my faith back a little. Then....she lost it. WHY!?! I was sooooo angry with God for allowing this to happen. For giving her the feelings that her dad asked God face to face and He gave her her fathers wish. I can't even explain my feelings.

Then it happened. Kari hit a low, way low. If you could have read the email I sent her you would have laughed so hard - I will have to find it. Here I was so mad at God for taking her strength from her dang it, I needed her! But while I was trying my best to encourage her, to be there for know what happened...I started believing my words. I was given my prayer back, and when it came back it was like a flood.

I was on the upswing I felt, but still nothing in my personal space changed. No baby. No healing in my back. No job for Scott. No happiness at all inside my four walls. As much as I was feeling more alive, I still looked in my hands and they were empty.

Then Kari and I talked, and I don't know if you have heard her voice, but it is one of those voices that when she is happy oooo you can hear her smiling long before you can see it. But, when she is has to bring tears to angels to hear her sweet voice not happy at all. But all in all, she took me by the hand and we walked in this valley together - different hurts, but the same deep
dark valley that I guess God knew that I needed someone to walk with me and not just throw me a rope now and then from the mountain tops.

Well, as much as I failed this trial...God revealed himself to me clearly yesterday. He knew I was struggling. He knew that without something that touched me, that touched Scott...I would stay lost in this valley for a long time. The longer you stay in a valley the harder it is to get out I, I know.

Scott drives 1 1/2 hour to his job. It isn't just the distance, it is the driving almost straight up a mountain to get there. The benefits suck to say the least, and if we had no health things going on that wouldn't be a big deal but umm...we could have paid half of our house off with the copays and deductibles we have bills for last year alone. We have no family time but on the weekends. It was just horrible every day for him.

He interviewed for many jobs, some interviews were stellar and we just knew. Then one after the other we got the letters "just wanted to let you know, we are going with another candidate, good luck in your job search...blah blah blah". One of these we were so sure about, seemed perfect, just never thought he would not get it. Shortly after the trip fell through to see Leslie - he gets the e-mail.

That was one of a few things weighing on us, that made things 'teeter'.

Thursday, he got a call from the college he interviewed at earlier in the week. We weren't that excited - it was a blah interview, nothing exciting. They didn't ask for references or the numbers or names for any of his bosses at previous employers. And when he was leaving he said he would have the transcripts from college to her by Wednesday. She said don't worry about it. So he really thought it was a wash. He was sick and wasn't into being all to impressive.

So Thursday night we were in Hickory and a short cut from Sam's to Kohl's is through the college parking lot. So we drove through there and we joked how he surely didn't get this job...blah

Well, about 2ish he calls :
"Hope, are you sitting down?"
"Yes, what is it?" (I was standing in the kitchen heating up late lunch.)
"Are you really sitting down?"
"How did you know? I am not sitting - just tell me!"(I knew he had meetings all day, they knew he interviewed and today they were going to make some new offers - so I thought maybe they were gonna triple his salary COUGH COUGH)
"No Hope, sit down dang it!"
"Ok ok, is it good or bad?"
"Well, you will have to tell me" (he sounded nervous!)
"Ok, I am sitting...tell me" sigh
"Well, how would a job at the college being the systems admin be?"

I dropped the phone and lost my breath...I couldn't talk to him really!

"HOPE!? HOOOOPPPPEEEE??? you ok???"
crying by now..."Yes honey I am so ok, better than I have been in a long time."
"Babe, don't make me cry - I gotta go in here and tell them I am quitting and I can't cry!"
"I am sorry hon...but this is the one thing, that one personal all about us yes that I needed to see that sun shine, it has been so long since we had anything to be happy about"
"You did it now I am crying too...I gotta go will call you later"
"I love you Scott, I am as light as air - that weight is gone."
"I love you too babe, celebrate tonight."

State benefits - which rock, salary almost matches what he makes now, with the less driving and gas it will make it well worth it. He gets all those school days off, retirement and such. The insurance alone will be worth it. I have 12 scripts a month and my copays are 40 and 65...and with the state benefits the copay will be 10 and 15! So that alone will be HUGE! Plus insurance is free for him, 50ish bux for me and we were paying 300 bux every 2 weeks at his old job.

SO yeah...been flittin around like an idiot...just about to bust. If you have read my blog lately it has been dark and so sad...not like me, but it was me.

No matter if nothing else happens for a while...this was that one thing we needed to just get us out of that hole. He will drive 15 minutes to and from work, no more 1 1/2 hour up a flipping mountain (LITERALLY!) and there were always sooo many wrecks...but now, he will be home by 530 instead of 7, leave at 8 instead of 630. He has worked for 3 different colleges and that atmosphere is his FAV by far.

I know where this came from, I don't understand why He does what He does. Why He lets those who love Him so much, suffer (I know you hate that word). Got so many why's for Him. But, for right now...air is all I feel. Faith is coming back, praying is becoming natural again, Christian music again fills my car and house.

Praying isn't all about speaking the words out loud or in your mind. He knows our houghts...even those that flit by so fast that we don't really know we thought them. He knew what I needed, what Scott needed...what WE needed. He knew that the job we freaked out about was nothing compared to the one He gave to Scott. I wanted to send God my watch for a while...time moves backwards almost in my world and I want Him to know how I was feeling. But He knew.

He Knew.
He answered a prayer that I didn't even realized I prayed.
I did pray it. On my blog I hoped and prayed for it.
Others prayed for it...for me.
I am breathing deeper.
My eyes are opening wider.
Hope is my name, but it is also a bright red thread in the rope that keeps me hanging on to life and love and dreams.

That job shouldn't have been his.
*no references were called
*no previous bosses were called
*no transcripts sent - which were stated as a requirement of the application process
*he was sick and the interview wasn't exceptional
*we had already counted it out


God was his reference and HE had to have made Scott seem exceptional in their eyes.
God made them see all the potential stated in his resume' and they didn't need to talk to bosses.
God filled the requirements on His on for the application.
God blinded them to Scott's cough and sniffles and showed them he was exceptional.
God didn't count it out - and He is the supreme counter!

I feel like God let us think that we weren't praying maybe. Maybe He wanted to show us that even though we didn't ask for it...He knew what we wanted.

What I do know:
He never left.
It wasn't dark here, my eyes were closed. How can I experience darkness as a child of a King when He is the light?
When my faith is broken, I have people who possess the faith to carry me to the Father.
When my faith is broken, all I have to do is look around and open my eyes to the light and His light is the balm that will heal my broken faith.
When my faith is healed, in one instant - I mean in a flash of a light...bitterness, confusion, anger and all of those negative feelings seem a distant memory.
When my faith is healed - my eyes are opened and the weight of the sadness is lifted - I feel light as air.

But, all that being said - it is like I am waking up after a long sleep and am unsteady in my surroundings, almost have the feeling of too good to be true. That is satan trying to make me close my eyes again. I won't say never, that is a long time. But, as for and my house, my life, my heart is overflowing with light.

How does it all happen - the darkness, the spiral, the separation? Being on the other side...that is easy. The light, accepting it, believing, honoring and opening up to it is the difficult part. But once you get there - it makes the ride worth while - dark cold speed bumps and all.

So you ask me what you can do? You did reached out when you saw a friend in need. You cared. You didn't care from a distance you took the step to become part of the rise and fall in this ride of life. There are not many people who really truly are more than fair weathered friends. When you go through life those friends that were there for you in the dark times are the friends you will remember, you will cherish and unconditionally love. We have all sorts of friends - all are needed, happy time friends sometimes are the best they don't require much maintenance - just be happy and all is good. I love those friends too. But those friends who don't mind getting dirty, getting their hearts filled with hurt for their friend...who care enough to say - hon what can I do and mean it...those friends are friends for life. Even if we never spoke again for whatever reason (hope that doesn't happen) but in my minds book of friends you are right there on the smaller list.

I can't believe I wrote so much - I think I will post this as a blog post too lol. I wanted to post yesterday about the job but had no time and today the same. Scott's brother is getting married tomorrow and all week has been hectic.

I know we are from different places, different faiths - and like religion and spirituality are different - faith and religion is as well. You echo my feelings and thoughts on so many things (more eloquently I might add). From the first post I read of yours I felt connected.

I am rambling now I think, well...I probably past that way up there. It is late and I am going to bed to get up for the wedding .

There were so many that posted that really touched my pain and heart. People don't know how a few words - even from strangers can make a difference. I compare it to something else I experienced in life. My brother past away 8 years ago March 31st. I had bowed out of many funerals thinking my presence wouldn't make a difference. I stood in the receiving line, shaking so many hands and hugging so many necks. Their few words spoken to me made the days around his death bearable. I remember so many that came through the line, faces of old friends I hadn't seen in a long time. A lot didn't even know Mark, they came to share their love for our entire family. They may never know how much it meant to see them and hear their words, I can't even explain it. I make it a point to never miss a funeral/receiving if possible. Because as much as I remember the faces of almost everyone that came through that line - I have a little ache for the ones that I know that didn't come. Granted, they probably had good reason - but still it hurts.

I say all that to say this...strangers, best friends, whoever - if you have a moment please send your friend, your coworker, your neighbor, your family ... even another stranger - send them a note or even a prayer their way - you just never know how it will effect their lives. What might seem insignificant to you may mean the world to them.

With that......YAWN - good night!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Hellllo up there!

All of last week I was sick. It has to be the drafty air and the damp coldness here in this pit - BLAH!

Finally I can breathe through my nose, the sneezing fits and coughing have eased. Those two things were the hardest to handle - back pain is multiplied to the nth degree when you sneeze!

Being sick causes you even more alone time - which sucks. But, I can't blame people - who wants to be exposed to someone sick!?! I definitely wasn't online either, not that they can catch it - but the trek to the living room from the bedroom seemed impossible.

Good days.
Bad days.
Bad days.
Good days.

Seems to be kinda off an on like that lately. I feel like I am coming out of this crap and I am then amazed at how something so little - such as a commercial - you know the ones - just sends me tumbling backwards. So I thought that I would watch something on the movie channels that had no baby-family-mommy-daddy-grandkids-Easter-blah blah blah- commercials. I watched Dexter on Showtime. A newish series about this guy, who kills people - but only bad people. That should keep my mind off of all my problems huh? Well, to a point - but he was adopted through foster care and of course those bits riled me up.

So I thought hmmm there is another series about Henry VIII. History should keep me busy. Multiple reasons I stopped watching The Tudors - almost pornographic but everything in that crazy kings life centered around him having an heir. Not just any heir...a MALE heir. His wife Catherine had him a daughter - not good enough. She then miscarried every child after that. He had an affair - she had a son - but he was illegitimate so it wasn't so simple. Then that son died. He found another woman, he got an annulment of his first marriage, married Anne and she gave him a daughter - not good enough. I am getting so angry I had to stop watching - that and boy the 1500's was all about sex and not just sex but sex with any ole woman they wanted.

I ended up googling Henry VIII and got the rest of his story - he had a son finally and in turn got his heir.

Boy, that was all a bunch of stuff no one really wanted to know.

There are days I pray and pray hard, weeping and just begging for peace, for answers and for others. Then there are days I feel that bitter anger that is always there just not always prominent.

I can't remember the last time I was in church. It used to be that I could say I can't remember the last time I wasn't in church. I have been sick, good excuse I guess. I didn't even go to church for Easter. I don't think in my whole life I have missed an Easter Sunday. EVER. :(

The longer you stay out of church the easier it is to stay out of church.

I got my sermon from my mom yesterday that I can't expect anything from Him if I am not in his favor. I just said ok mom, agreed with her and let it drop - all the while thinking how I was the good Christian, I did what I was supposed to do. I sang, I prayed, I was faithful to church, I witnessed, I did my devotions, studied...all the things I was supposed to do. I wasn't doing them to get something from Him really - I did them because I believed, I trusted, I wanted to do anything that would bring Him glory. Even when I was hurting, confused, felt lost in all the sadness that has been in my life - I was faithful. I believed He had a plan. I rode it out, until the straw that broke the camels back was tossed into my boat and I started taking on water.

Mom says he was testing me to see how I would react to Him in my dark days. I feel like I did great for a long time - longer than I expected, or anyone else really knows. I kept thinking - one more day God and I know you are going to pull me out. I feel You God holding on to my hand...I am not slipping. Then the days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months...I felt my fingertips slipping. Just a little at first.

My grip went from my hand tight around His wrist and His around mine - to being palm to palm.
I still felt secure, but the time was still bad, darkness was below me and it was tugging hard. But, my Father is strong and faithful - He won't let go.

Maybe I got comfy. I felt my hand slip and all that held me to Him was a grip between our fingers.

Before I knew it, and at this point I am unsure of the catalyst - but I was here. Alone. If this was a test - I failed. But, He knows my weaknesses, He knows my strengths. Why would He let me get to that place when He knows all there is to know about me. He knows my tomorrow, so He knew I would be here. If He loved me so much why would He not save me from all of this?

Scary huh?

Most days I am better. Not saying I am back on solid ground, but I can pray. That is a big leap from where I landed a time back.

Some days though I am bitter, I am ugly, I roll my eyes, I am sarcastic and want to look for the cameras that are filming this joke that is not funny to me.

Sigh - I am such a drama queen. I hope to read this next year and have been let in on the punch line. I hope that I am back to being me. I hope that my dream about a child is realized or squashed for good - in a way I can accept it and just move on. I hope that I am taking long walks with Scott without pain. I hope his drive to work isn't up a mountain. I hope this pit is filled with faith and love and prayer and optimism and all things happy.

I hope.
I am Hope...ha, I kinda get why my brothers all called me Hopeless growing up.

Having hope is a good thing though right? If I had none - that would be dark and empty.