Sunday, April 13, 2008

Operation Baby...still have hope

Operation baby seems to have stalled. The back problems limit almost all types of intimacy. Can't get pregnant without exposure... :)

Mostly I have been ok with it since the prayers answered about the job. It was just what we needed, it restored hope.

Then there are days...have I ever mentioned how much I hate some commercials. I could list them and most people who are trying to conceive will agree that they are like little daggers tossed through that black box right to my heart and uterus.

I admit I watch some soaps, not as regular as in the past...but enough to keep up with the stories. It sickens me recently how some of the women are so flippant with getting pregnant. It is like they put the baby and say...their career on a scale and try to rationalize which one is best for their future. I know these are fictional stories, but they happen every day in real life. I can not reconcile in my mind and heart how wonderful women...loving and long for a child can go barren and women who I am sure have good qualities but they don't' want a child, they don't want to share a son or a daughter with the love of their lives....they get the blessing of a tiny human being that shares her ears and his eyes....they get it!?! They get it and chose to throw it away.

January 2009 is rapidly approaching and I promised to myself that on my birthday in January that I will give it up, no more meds, no more special doctors, no more temping and checking cervical mucous. No more hope for a child of my womb. That will be the end of that dream, but the beginning of another...adoption. People say it so easily..."why don't you adopt"? Like it is something you can just do. Like you can walk into the hospital and say ok, I want to adopt...ohh that one with the head of hair and soft round nose.

I wish it were that easy, I think about all the babies that have been ab.orted and how many women and families would have taken them and they would gladly take the new title of mommy or daddy. If all those babies were still in this world, it would probably be so much easier to find a child to adopt.

Ugh...anyways...I am waiting now until my new insurance kicks in to initiate with the RE. This insurance pays like the last for infertility. I really feel like he won't do much for me until my back is fixed. So I will do whatever is necessary to fix it with this new doctor. Our appointment for last week had to be rescheduled to May 6th.

So now I am going to work on losing weight, have lost 20 pounds since Christmas and that is a lot for someone who can't exercise. I have to get my sugars under control which is hard to do with all the pain.

On the health front...bah. last 3 days I have been nauseated and vomiting. My sugars have been so high...347 was the highest yesterday. I don't know if I have a bug or what, but under penalty of making Scott mad...I will call the doc tomorrow and see what he thinks. I really think it may be my thyroid. My temps are ranging from 96 to 97. While the 97's aren't new to me, last night when it was at it's lowest was when I was the sickest. I was sweating like I had a fever but was so cold to the touch and sore all over like it was a fever. Today is better though.

Just as an aside: baked potatoes are great when I am sick, those and salty lays chips or saltines. Apple juice is also something I can keep down. Scott went to Wendys and got me a tater and has stayed down and makes me hope this is over.

We went to the in-laws yesterday. Scott helped his dad do a lot of things and I just crashed on the couch. Lena was like a little angel to me. She fixed dinner and made me a comfy place on the couch. She brought me anything I needed and even gave me some pepcid :).

Things will be ok though, I got God on my side and he has blessed me with so much!

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