Sunday, June 21, 2009

My Poppy

***I was searching for a date, funny how I can come here and find out when something happened...and it is usually here.  Then I found this. It was originally posted June, 2009.  I can't stop the tears, I miss him so much.  Every word was true - I could have wrote so much more.  Isaac never came.  No child ever came.  Even if a miracle happened and God gave us a dozen...they won't know him.  They will know of him, but they won't experience him.  sigh.  

s i g h

I miss you.  The surgery was fine, but I was so apprehensive to even have it without you there to wrap your soft but rough hands around mine and pray over your baby girl.  No one can pray like you do poppy.  I miss you...yeah, I said that already.    

My mother even tells that I am a daddy's girl. From the time I was a little girl I can remember loving time with him. Some of my earliest memories of daddy/daughter time was centered around fishing. That love is still there.

I was two or three and he took me fishing and I was restless. So he handed me the carton of worms (yeah...grosses me out to think about it too now) and I took them and tied them into knots - not enough to kill or hurt them...just sweet lil knots. He tells the story to this day, always with a big smile on his face.

I love to watch him throw this net to catch shad...he is so good at it! Santee Cooper in SC is his favorite place to fish!

When my hands got big enough to take fish off the hooks, he taught me how. He was so proud of me when I took my first crappie off the hook. But, he has never let me take my catfish off - he has always been so scared of me getting stung. He has four sons, but his favorite fishing buddy has always been me.

There are so many wonderful things I love about my poppy. He has this fierce love for his family and will do anything within his power to take care of us. He is so smart, he is creative and boy he has a talent for growing vegetables. He has such a giving heart, everything he grows he shares with anyone who needs it. So many qualities about him just makes you love him. But most of all - he loves God. He has served our Lord in so many ways in his life time. Growing up he took us to church any time the doors were open. He pastored a church for all of my childhood and most of my adulthood. He got the family together and we sung at different churches, he would come home from work and no matter how tired we went to sing or to hear him preach.

To hear him pray is so heart touching, he just pours his heart out. When I am sick, I still call him and ask him to either pray with me or to come and pray over me.

His voice is shaky now, but he used to have this strong singing voice. He has a little lisp too...which is so cute.

He is 77 now, he doesn't pastor but he still preaches. His health is not so good, but twice a week he goes to the prison to teach and preach with the inmates. Once a month he goes on Sunday night to sing and preach a message to them. Monday nights he has a Bible study at the house, he is a Revelation know it all sometimes :) He works harder now than he did when he was younger!! But, it keeps him busy and going. He loves it. His heart is with the prisoners who are in a place that Mark was at. He wishes someone had been there like that for Mark.

He takes a stand and isn't afraid to defend it, but he also is open to the fact that he can be wrong. But, if it is Bible based - you will have a fight on your hands to change his mind.

He is my hero in so many ways. He is the only one that can call me Hopeless and really get away with it. He is a hugger. He calls out of the blue just to see how I am and say "I love you". He is tender hearted, and hurts when I hurt. To see the tears in his eyes on Mother's day when he announced that his baby girl was celebrating her first mother's day was enough to make me cry again just thinking about it.

My water pipes break - call daddy.
My car has a problem - call daddy.
My A/C is acting up - call daddy.
My heart is hurt - call daddy.
My prayers feel useless - call daddy.
Time to go fishing - call daddy.
Need some green beans - call daddy.
Want some love - call daddy.

What is wonderful as well - Scott loves him just as much. And my daddy loves him too. They could have been father and son. They both love fishing, working on cars, piddling with things.

Today, my poppy was the oldest father in church. In my eyes, and Scott's...he was the best as well. I love him. There are no words to express how much it means that Isaac is coming soon so I can share my poppy with him. That little boy will know how much my daddy loves him and how much I hope he gets to learn how to take a fish off the hook and learns all about Jesus from his poppy.

He can be so silly!
He loves his family so much - this is a bunch of us - not all!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Quick update...

I just got off the phone with the lawyer - Jami he is SO nice. He answered all my questions and even though I was nervous lol, you could tell he was smiling at times and is really confident that this will all go smoothly. He says that when birth mom and adoptive mom find each other makes for the best adoptions.

He told me a lot of things that have to be done between now and October. He made me at ease about the father issue. He said that they put an announcement in the Sun times and Chicago tribune that the baby is going to be born and they have X amount of days to respond. He will call her and get things rolling with her, paperwork and such. There will be a lawyer for the baby as well. I have to have the homestudy and all that will be done here through DSS.

We talked about finances *gulp* It is a lot, but God is gonna make a way - I have no doubt. We have to have a 5k retainer for him before he does anything. The home study is 1500-2000. The baby's lawyer will be about 1500-2000. Filing paperwork and such down here will be about 500. Sooo, anyone got 10k laying around anywhere they just don't need LOL.

Extreme range of emotions but I have to have faith that God brought us here, He is gonna see us through it all. But as my mamma says, prayers need legs sometimes and we are going to work our tooshies off to make every dime. So pray for our finances and for my final surgery on the 29th - I will be bionic! *insert six million dollar man sound effects here*

Heading to Hickory to eat with the family...suhweeeeeet!

p.s. if anyone has any suggestions on raising this much money quickly (and legally) I would appreciate any information.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

His plan...

I know it has been a while since I posted. I admit that I got discouraged for a bit. I hadn't heard from her. I sent her letters with no response. I had no clue how else to get in touch with her.

Hope, God has a plan.

One minute I would have so much peace about it all. I just knew everything would turn out ok, then like a thief doubt set in. It stole pieces of that peace every chance it got. Ever day that passed - I worried.

I have a plan. Love, God.

One Saturday we were heading out to Ida Hope's first birthday party. We never check the mail early in the day - our mailperson takes lunch from 12-4 so we know she hasn't been here. (I think I am joking about the lunch.) But, we check the mail. Going out of our driveway it is on my side of the car. I pull out the mail - junk, bill, junk, sales paper, magazine, junk...envelope. Her name is written on it. Funny...looks like my writing - how cool we have the same....wait. It IS my hand writing. My first letter since the adoption portfolio was returned to me. Big red letters RTS written across it with a stamp saying no forwarding address.

I knew today before the first second ticked away, plans are unfolding working perfectly. Love, God.

I crashed. I couldn't breathe. This sent me over the edge. I wasn't sure if she had sent it back to me, or if she left the rehab and didn't give an address. All sorts of things ran through my mind and heart - none of them good. BREATHE, I kept telling myself. Scott was the same but different. Men...if they one time would just react like a woman they wouldn't keep it all in! I don't know how I made it through this party. Staring at this beautiful little one year old. I really don't remember it all. I walked into my parents house and Scott walked over to hug me and I said no...I will crumble. I can't breathe.

Trust Me, I am your God.

We finally were able to leave and in the car it all started to come out. I didn't want to go home. It was like if I go there, I know what will happen. I will curl up and feel it all. I was angry at God. I asked Him why. I yelled at him HOW! I told Him I wasn't talking to Him for now, well except to tell Him I wasn't talking to Him. My heart might have, but not on purpose. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to hear..."God has a plan for you", "It just wasn't meant to be", "pray about it". So we didn't tell anyone. We stopped for limeades and then I told Scott I just wanted to crash in the bed with him. Just hold each other until the rage of it all had passed. So we did that. My husband sobbed. He did more so for me than for anything. I can't express how much this man hurts for me when I hurt. It takes my breath.

You can yell at me, ask me why and be angry. I can take it. I will ease your pain, but you have to trust Me.

I woke up the next morning with a little more control of my feelings and was a little more rational about it. What if? hmmm what if she is out and they really don't have her address. But it has been weeks and no call. What if things are so crazy for her and she thinks we are all good. Hope crept back in. It didn't drown out the blaring doubt, but it was hope none the less. We didn't go to church - still angry so I just showed him by not going to church...yeah that worked. We went to the mountains for the pig pickin, listening to 106.9. Christian station and a song came on about praising Him in the storm. I flipped the channel to 88.1 Joy FM...gospel station. There was a song about Him being a mountain mover. Every song applicable to this situation. Scott and I both wept.

I am here, can't you hear Me...I'm calling out your name. Always, God.

The pig pickin was lovely. The McCurry's are some of the best people you will know. The weather was perfect. It was Italy's birthday and she was beautiful. We knew she had a birthday party that evening too, but we wouldn't miss it no matter the storm inside. We headed back down the mountain for a quick nap before the party and I e-mailed Jami. I told her about the letter and how we felt it was over. I freaked her out I am sure. She emailed me back saying that she would talk to De and Bre and see what they could find out.

Don't be afraid, I am with you - I am your God.

We went to Italy's party and fell in love with her all over again. She is precious. It was good to see family, Keta's family who are such warm beautiful people. We didn't stay too long, I was emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted. We went home and I clicked on facebook and there was a message from Jami. I hear God answered prayers. I sent her back Huh? I don't know what you are talkin bout Willis! Then the phone rings. It was Jami. Out of the clear blue, not really God did it...Rebecca called Breann. They told her I was worried and she said she called and left me a message. I have zero signal in the mountains! She said she just knew things with me were settled for one, but she has been so busy since getting out. She got her house, and got her youngest son back and then all the meetings and such she has...she has been overwhelmed. AHHhhh OUCH...God just smacked my butt hard.

Hope, I am working things for your good. I love you and never want you to hurt.

Well, my heart was ok...I felt foolish, spent a lot of time on my knees begging for forgiveness. I wish doubt wasn't so strong. I wish my faith was stronger. I called her back and left a message to call when she could. It was so great to hear her voice. It was great to give family and friends the good news. Jami found me a lawyer and I emailed him to see if he would take our case. What on earth would I do without her. He emailed me and told me to call him this week. Monday came. I hadn't heard from her. Hmm...*knock knock - doubt and despair calling*...I opened the door and let them right in! So today at the urging of you guessed it...Jami...well, a few other wonderful friends too...I called her.

Hope did you forget Psalms 27:14? Wait on me, be of good courage and I will strengthen your heart.

It was a beautiful conversation. I first asked her how she was, how things were with her son and how the baby was doing. She is doing good, tired but good. Her son is amazing and a hand full, who reminds her every day why this is the right decision. We chit chatted some. Her little brother (8) is having open heart surgery in July and she is spending a lot of time with him too. (Pray for him) She never got my message...she is having phone issues. I told her of my anxiety and she said Hope, I won't change my mind. Please know that. *heart skipped*

We talked about her family and her parents are behind her decision 100%. They both are doctors and with a sick child and their jobs...they can't take another child. We talked about the father. She said he won't want a baby and will not be an issue. *FAITH HOPE...FAITH* I told her that I had spoken to a lawyer and was it ok to give him her number....she immediately said YES! I will give him all he needs. I asked her if it was ok for us to talk, if she would prefer to go through the lawyer exclusively that was up to her. She said she wants to talk to me, and I could call her any time I wanted. I asked her about the type of adoption she wanted - open, closed?? Before she answered, I told her that Scott and I would accommodate her however much contact or such she needed. Whatever felt right in her heart was what we wanted. She said she wanted pictures and updates. That if we did meet, she basically wanted to be called Aunt Rebecca. My heart broke and healed in like 2 seconds. It broke for her, for this situation...but was healed when she said you are the mommy.

Nothing is impossible for Me Hope, with men maybe, but not Me!

Our conversation continued a bit then she said...I have a question for you. I gulped. I about blurted out ..."OK OK...I am addicted to playing farmtown on Facebook and If you give me Ketchup I will put it on nearly everything"...thinking I was about to be asked some daunting secret or something. Then she said..."I asked my gynecologist if it would be possible to schedule the birth. I was hoping that you and Scott could come here when the baby is born. I want you to take him home from the hospital". Can you just hear my heart singing?? I said "yes, we want to be there, we were hoping it would be ok with you". She was glad, she was afraid I wouldn't want to be there. Then she said would it be too weird for you to be in the room with me? I about screamed. I had to rope in all those emotions and calmly said I would be honored, would love to. My mind wandered to him being placed in my arms. SIGH

I told you so I told you so...nanananan...wait that was Jami not God this time.

I was on such a high from it all. I told her she was amazing. She said she knows this is right, she knows this was from God. She said she was feeling hopeless and Breann told her about me...then she found out my name was Hope and she said she knew God orchestrated this. Her family knows. I told her about how her name and his name connected and she said SEEE...God! You are in NC, I am in IL and there is no other way we would have found each other without HIM. It touched me so much to give my sweet Jesus the credit.

She wants to see me when I go in August to see the lawyer and visit with Jami and hopefully Kari and Shannon and De and Bre. I am so in love with her and our son. I felt so inclined to put up a baby ticker :) I finally let Scott read the letters that I have written to Isaac. No more doubt will take away one second of this love and excitement. My God is a mountain mover and I know He has a plan.

On a side note, watching the
Rebekah's go through the last 24 hours has moved me to tears more than once. Please pray for them all. So happy for them. Our stories are both miracles. Not the normal way a baby is brought into a mother's life. God's fingerprints are every where.

I promise to keep updates more frequent and will post pictures of the one year olds soon!

Thank you for the prayers.