I know it has been a while since I posted. I admit that I got discouraged for a bit. I hadn't heard from her. I sent her letters with no response. I had no clue how else to get in touch with her.
Hope, God has a plan.
One minute I would have so much peace about it all. I just knew everything would turn out ok, then like a thief doubt set in. It stole pieces of that peace every chance it got. Ever day that passed - I worried.
I have a plan. Love, God.
One Saturday we were heading out to Ida Hope's first birthday party. We never check the mail early in the day - our mailperson takes lunch from 12-4 so we know she hasn't been here. (I think I am joking about the lunch.) But, we check the mail. Going out of our driveway it is on my side of the car. I pull out the mail - junk, bill, junk, sales paper, magazine, junk...envelope. Her name is written on it. Funny...looks like my writing - how cool we have the same....wait. It IS my hand writing. My first letter since the adoption portfolio was returned to me. Big red letters RTS written across it with a stamp saying no forwarding address.
I knew today before the first second ticked away, plans are unfolding working perfectly. Love, God.
I crashed. I couldn't breathe. This sent me over the edge. I wasn't sure if she had sent it back to me, or if she left the rehab and didn't give an address. All sorts of things ran through my mind and heart - none of them good. BREATHE, I kept telling myself. Scott was the same but different. Men...if they one time would just react like a woman they wouldn't keep it all in! I don't know how I made it through this party. Staring at this beautiful little one year old. I really don't remember it all. I walked into my parents house and Scott walked over to hug me and I said no...I will crumble. I can't breathe.
Trust Me, I am your God.
We finally were able to leave and in the car it all started to come out. I didn't want to go home. It was like if I go there, I know what will happen. I will curl up and feel it all. I was angry at God. I asked Him why. I yelled at him HOW! I told Him I wasn't talking to Him for now, well except to tell Him I wasn't talking to Him. My heart might have, but not on purpose. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to hear..."God has a plan for you", "It just wasn't meant to be", "pray about it". So we didn't tell anyone. We stopped for limeades and then I told Scott I just wanted to crash in the bed with him. Just hold each other until the rage of it all had passed. So we did that. My husband sobbed. He did more so for me than for anything. I can't express how much this man hurts for me when I hurt. It takes my breath.
You can yell at me, ask me why and be angry. I can take it. I will ease your pain, but you have to trust Me.
I woke up the next morning with a little more control of my feelings and was a little more rational about it. What if? hmmm what if she is out and they really don't have her address. But it has been weeks and no call. What if things are so crazy for her and she thinks we are all good. Hope crept back in. It didn't drown out the blaring doubt, but it was hope none the less. We didn't go to church - still angry so I just showed him by not going to church...yeah that worked. We went to the mountains for the pig pickin, listening to 106.9. Christian station and a song came on about praising Him in the storm. I flipped the channel to 88.1 Joy FM...gospel station. There was a song about Him being a mountain mover. Every song applicable to this situation. Scott and I both wept.
I am here, can't you hear Me...I'm calling out your name. Always, God.
The pig pickin was lovely. The McCurry's are some of the best people you will know. The weather was perfect. It was Italy's birthday and she was beautiful. We knew she had a birthday party that evening too, but we wouldn't miss it no matter the storm inside. We headed back down the mountain for a quick nap before the party and I e-mailed Jami. I told her about the letter and how we felt it was over. I freaked her out I am sure. She emailed me back saying that she would talk to De and Bre and see what they could find out.
Don't be afraid, I am with you - I am your God.
We went to Italy's party and fell in love with her all over again. She is precious. It was good to see family, Keta's family who are such warm beautiful people. We didn't stay too long, I was emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted. We went home and I clicked on facebook and there was a message from Jami. I hear God answered prayers. I sent her back Huh? I don't know what you are talkin bout Willis! Then the phone rings. It was Jami. Out of the clear blue, not really God did it...Rebecca called Breann. They told her I was worried and she said she called and left me a message. I have zero signal in the mountains! She said she just knew things with me were settled for one, but she has been so busy since getting out. She got her house, and got her youngest son back and then all the meetings and such she has...she has been overwhelmed. AHHhhh OUCH...God just smacked my butt hard.
Hope, I am working things for your good. I love you and never want you to hurt.
Well, my heart was ok...I felt foolish, spent a lot of time on my knees begging for forgiveness. I wish doubt wasn't so strong. I wish my faith was stronger. I called her back and left a message to call when she could. It was so great to hear her voice. It was great to give family and friends the good news. Jami found me a lawyer and I emailed him to see if he would take our case. What on earth would I do without her. He emailed me and told me to call him this week. Monday came. I hadn't heard from her. Hmm...*knock knock - doubt and despair calling*...I opened the door and let them right in! So today at the urging of you guessed it...Jami...well, a few other wonderful friends too...I called her.
Hope did you forget Psalms 27:14? Wait on me, be of good courage and I will strengthen your heart.
It was a beautiful conversation. I first asked her how she was, how things were with her son and how the baby was doing. She is doing good, tired but good. Her son is amazing and a hand full, who reminds her every day why this is the right decision. We chit chatted some. Her little brother (8) is having open heart surgery in July and she is spending a lot of time with him too. (Pray for him) She never got my message...she is having phone issues. I told her of my anxiety and she said Hope, I won't change my mind. Please know that. *heart skipped*
We talked about her family and her parents are behind her decision 100%. They both are doctors and with a sick child and their jobs...they can't take another child. We talked about the father. She said he won't want a baby and will not be an issue. *FAITH HOPE...FAITH* I told her that I had spoken to a lawyer and was it ok to give him her number....she immediately said YES! I will give him all he needs. I asked her if it was ok for us to talk, if she would prefer to go through the lawyer exclusively that was up to her. She said she wants to talk to me, and I could call her any time I wanted. I asked her about the type of adoption she wanted - open, closed?? Before she answered, I told her that Scott and I would accommodate her however much contact or such she needed. Whatever felt right in her heart was what we wanted. She said she wanted pictures and updates. That if we did meet, she basically wanted to be called Aunt Rebecca. My heart broke and healed in like 2 seconds. It broke for her, for this situation...but was healed when she said you are the mommy.
Nothing is impossible for Me Hope, with men maybe, but not Me!
Our conversation continued a bit then she said...I have a question for you. I gulped. I about blurted out ..."OK OK...I am addicted to playing farmtown on Facebook and If you give me Ketchup I will put it on nearly everything"...thinking I was about to be asked some daunting secret or something. Then she said..."I asked my gynecologist if it would be possible to schedule the birth. I was hoping that you and Scott could come here when the baby is born. I want you to take him home from the hospital". Can you just hear my heart singing?? I said "yes, we want to be there, we were hoping it would be ok with you". She was glad, she was afraid I wouldn't want to be there. Then she said would it be too weird for you to be in the room with me? I about screamed. I had to rope in all those emotions and calmly said I would be honored, would love to. My mind wandered to him being placed in my arms. SIGH
I told you so I told you so...nanananan...wait that was Jami not God this time.
I was on such a high from it all. I told her she was amazing. She said she knows this is right, she knows this was from God. She said she was feeling hopeless and Breann told her about me...then she found out my name was Hope and she said she knew God orchestrated this. Her family knows. I told her about how her name and his name connected and she said SEEE...God! You are in NC, I am in IL and there is no other way we would have found each other without HIM. It touched me so much to give my sweet Jesus the credit.
She wants to see me when I go in August to see the lawyer and visit with Jami and hopefully Kari and Shannon and De and Bre. I am so in love with her and our son. I felt so inclined to put up a baby ticker :) I finally let Scott read the letters that I have written to Isaac. No more doubt will take away one second of this love and excitement. My God is a mountain mover and I know He has a plan.
On a side note, watching the Rebekah's go through the last 24 hours has moved me to tears more than once. Please pray for them all. So happy for them. Our stories are both miracles. Not the normal way a baby is brought into a mother's life. God's fingerprints are every where.
I promise to keep updates more frequent and will post pictures of the one year olds soon!
Thank you for the prayers.