Saturday, December 30, 2006

2006...what a year!

January of last year...I turned 37, my best friends had their beautiful son Colin.
February we celebrate our 16th year of marriage...I am so blessed!!
March is our one year anniversary at the church :) I met and fell in love with the Divas!!!
June...June 7th I went to church to sing a song and the night ended with me in the hospital. Most of June is a blur.
September I was allowed to go back to work and realized how my being sick had really changed our lives. Our finances were beyond drained, emotionally and physically everything had worn Scott out. Seeing our fertility doctor, he insisted we wait at least 6 months before trying to have a child again due to the health issues. My back started bothering me just seemed like one thing after another and this month is when it all came to a head. We gave up our house, car and life at Myrtle Beach. We chose to make some changes and that our wants had been quite a bit ambitious. We started realizing family and home was something we missed.
October Chris moves home to NC and we started packing and moving stuff to NC.
November...Thanksgiving with our families...really cinches our desire to move home. We see our nieces and nephews and realize how much we are missing out on. We also decide not to spend any more money or time on fertility treatments and start the adoption journey. We decided we will start with Foster care.
December we spend time in hotels and also with our friends Burt and Leslie and Colin. I can't tell you how wonderful it was staying there. It was wonderful to spend time with them, but I felt so blessed to be a part of their every day lives. Putting Colin to bed with a silly song was my favorite, I teared up nearly every time. To hear Leslie reading to him as she put him down for naps, watching his eyes light up every time he got near the Christmas tree and the dancing nutcrakcers. To hear him squeal with excitement when his daddy walked through the door. To snuggle him and play with him and try to get him to say my name instead of DADADADADA...grr. He is infectious, precious, mesmerizing and sooo darn cute. I am so blessed by him and his parents. I miss them so much already :(.

But I know that things happen for a reason, there is that saying If God brings you too it, He will bring you through it. I do feel we are on the way out of the sickness and sadness, being with family these last two weeks has made me realize this is really where God wants us to be. God sent us to Myrtle Beach I know it. Our first independently chosen church...well, I am sure we didn't chose it really...God sent us there. But it was where we needed to be to dig our heels into our walk with God, we took off the roller skates and stopped skating along behind my parents and the church they were at. My parents were apprehensive about our church, it was opposite from theirs...they thought. It may be 10 times bigger (literally) than their church, but it is homey and personal and you don't feel lost in it. The pastor is phenomenal, he touched our hearts and lives immediately. Our second clue that this was our church. Our first was so random. We were supposed to go to another church that first Sunday, but they were having homecoming dinner and being a PK (preachers kid) I knew the M-O. They would insist on us staying and probably the preachers wife cooked enough for an army like my mom would...just in case there were visitors. SOooo we went to the next closest church. They were in the old building then, we walked in and they had some special music...and who do you think was there?? The Whisnants from our home town, I had listened to them since I was a teen. The church was having Jubilee. We knew from that service and how great everyone was that this was our church. We moved home shortly after that though, Daddy had his heart attack and it was necessary I think, but within 9 months we were moving back to Myrtle Beach. We went right back to Grand Strand Baptist and joined shortly after that. Doug Smith the choir director and his wife have been so wonderful to us, Julie my fellow alto and I buddied up right away...she has a great voice. Bill Suillivan and his wife Becky were our Sunday School teachers and they couldn't have been sweeter or a bigger blessing to us. They are best friends and husband and wife, they are not ashamed of their love for each other. THEN....we met and became friends with Burt and Leslie...our first lunch outing...Cracker Barrel....I felt we just fit from the get go. Anyways...I know this church is more high tech, larger, they do things on a grander scale, missionaries are a big part...but all of this is for God's glory. This church is Biblical, they follow God's word and He is in every service. It is hard to explain, but this church, pastor, friends, music director, Sunday school...the Spirit in this church brought Scott and I back to where we should be...not that we were doping, stealing, drinking, horrible people...but we weren't walking the walk.

SOooo...Tomorrow even though it is the last day of the year...a big beginning is happening tomorrow. My baby boy nephew who called me opie til he was .... heck he still does sometimes. My nephew who is always there when I need him, who hugs me and tells me he loves me, who loves Scott so much, who spent last night with sweet baby...ok not a baby anymore. He is getting married tomorrow. I had already planned to go back to Myrtle beach for a party with our Sunday School...but looking at him last night, and looking at the invitation...I can't, I just can't miss this wedding. He was in my wedding, he was my ring bearer. In his little grey tux. I will have to post a pic of that. Tomorrow he will be in his own tux, walking down the aisle to marry his junior/high school sweetheart Marquita. He loves her so much, and he had a lot to overcome and if he didn't really love her...he could have just let the relationship end. Marquita is black. I think I was one of the first...if not the first to know he was dating her. Little family is from the foothills/mountains of NC. My father is a typical old timey southern Baptist preacher. Dating outside ones race was not appropriate and when Bradley started telling people/family...the reactions were pretty narrow...and I admit, I wasn't sure, was one of those saying "This isn't right in God's eyes", though I had nothing to back it up with...just repeating what others I trusted said. I know some family, including myself gave Brad a hard time. Then, I started reading and searching the Bible about it. I couldn't find anything. I found where it said...not equally yoked...but with unbelievers...Brad and Marquita are Christians, they both are believers. I read where Moses wife was of another race, and Aaron and Miriam were punished for talking bad about their marriage. I probably should have been more vocal about my acceptance, but my family can be very difficult. Then, it almost seems overnight his parents, my parents, most of our family have accepted it and welcomed her with open arms. This was several years ago and has made Brad so happy and I think has made their relationship better. There are a few aunts and uncles and such that won't accept it, won't come to the wedding or showers, but that is their loss and opinions. I just pray they will accept it and not lose time with our precious Bradley! Marquita...Kita he calls her, treats Brad so good. I haven't spent much time with them, but plan on it while they are at the beach. I can't wait to surprise him tomorrow showing up at his wedding. Hmm what to wear???? The color is red and black. I can't wait to get to know her better, but I love her already....for loving my Brad so much and making him so happy. sniffffles.

Ok, I know this post was way crazy and all over the place. I haven't posted much lately....been in a funk. My back was out through the holidays, my pity party about not having a child always hits at Christmas. I want to have traditions with my baby and watch Scott creating such a wild imagination and sense of wonder in our child. I want to see our child go crazy at his grandparents and want to see their faces when the get that one thing they really really wanted...and ohh to wrap all the presents for him or her...or both :). It really is an empty place in my heart at Christmas. I hate that I don't enjoy the holidays like I used to. I pray that God puts that back in my heart soon.

Being with my family and seeing all their joys has made it easier....I hope next Christmas 'something' will be different.

OK...I have wrote a lot...will get up and get some things done.

Thursday, December 07, 2006 HE did it!

Last night, I sang....Scott kept asking what his surprise was, I told him he would have to wait. Then I didn't even look back at him as the choir director called my name to come up and sing a song. Once I started singing...I looked back at him and he was all smiles.

Doug handed me the microphone and I turned to face the audience and .... NO headache, the audience wasn't bouncing to my heart beat, I could hear the music...YAY! I wasn't nervous...but I could hear my voice shaking...I think it was because I was so excited to be singing and not about to pass out. As I was walking back to my seat...the Pastor you feel? I said...I am not passing out or stroking out!! I did have a bit of a headache as I sat down, but nothing compared to that night and I was not giving in to it. The pastor preached on Rainbows...they are God's promise. He said something that really popped with me. He you see rainbows during the storm? Do you see them before the storm? Noooooo just after the storm. We always have a time of prayer requests and praises after the service on Wednesday nights, and I couldn't hold it in...I raised my hand and tearfully told the pastor and the church that I found my rainbow and how the devil had been fighting me and my desire to sing, and tonight...he lost that battle! AMEN!

I did have a rough night after we got home. It started about 12.... I woke up with bad acid reflux...I ran to get some water and started throwing up....which brought on a bad headache....which brought on more nausea and vomiting. SORRRY TOOO MUCH INFO. I hated to call in, but I had to. So today I stayed in bed with a cool cloth and drawn curtains. I still don't feel good at all, but tomorrow is my official last day and I really want to be there.

I do hate leaving my job, my favorite patients, my friends I have made there. I have great bosses and friends there, but it is time to go home. I miss Mr. Loup something fierce. He really held the lab together, he was such a wonderful man and boss. I am going to miss everyone so much, but I will come visit and call.

Well, I just wanted to update my performance and ask for some prayers...for my health, finances and our move home.

Ohh and we will be staying with Burt and Leslie. I am so excited, it will be so much fun. I hope they know how much we love and appreciate them....oooo gonna miss them so much.

It is so hard to look at Bill and Becky...our Sunday school teachers. They are so wonderful and I will miss them too. I feel like I am letting them down somehow...I hope they don't think that. I really feel this is what the Lord wants us to do.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I live...

Yesterday, I was having this inner battle about singing again. I haven't sung a solo since June 7th happened. I was thinking about doing a Christmas-y song. Then this song came on the radio... I live is the name of it. I was like wow... it sooooooo relates to my situation and how I feel about singing. I have been so scared of it happening again..and I know that is the devil putting those fears there. So I get to work and tried to find the song online, they didn't announce the name or the singer so I was looking for the totally wrong song. Couldn't find it. I put a Christmas sound track in and was considering it...and at the end of sound tracks they have...what's new in sound tracks. Guess what song was there????? So, I really know it was meant to be, went by the book store that has sound tracks....and there it was. Sooo I called Doug our choir director and told him...I gotta sing. 1 - I know God wants me to and He deserves my praise...2 - The devil is not winning this! Sooo tonight I will sing. Scott doesn't know! I am a little nervous but really am at peace with it. So ya'll pray for me!

I say so a lot huh?? Ha ha. Here are the lyrics to that song...

Move in me, as You must
Breathe Your life into this dust.
Mold my heart to Your will
Shape this shapeless form until.

I live to sing Your praise
Like a lullaby, like Amazing Grace.
I live to sing Your praise
'Til my days are done And I see Your face.

Mysteries I may not know
Until I kneel before Your throne.
And lift my eyes to take You in
I long for this, but until then.

I honestly was doing fine until I just tried to think of something to say before I started the song. Then my eyes welled up, my heart started pounding. I am ok now, but I guess I should just sing and not push it with saying something. Praying hard for it to go smoothly. I used to doubt that I sang well, I really thought...well, the devil made me think...that I wasn't good enough to sing for God...I can harmonize with someone, but not do solos. I really hated the thought to do it. But God sent people into my life that tell me otherwise. My family really never said much about me singing growing up, I stood in the shadow of my mother and Todd and Johnny. They really do have the talent. But, I have matured in this area a bit...and I am not bragging at all. I hope it doesn't seem that way...whatever talent I have...God gave it to me and I shouldn't leave it unused! is the plan for us!

I turned my notice in last week, so Friday is my last day. I have a dentist and doctor appointments next Monday and Tuesday I am leaving Myrtle Beach for HOME. We just decided that Scott will stay at least until Friday...possibly until Tuesday of the following week. Financially it will be better if I go Salary barely pays for the hotel. Soooo I am going home to get things situated and surprise him with some Christmas decos. Our Christmas will be very slim. We have always went overboard for family and each other, but this year only the kids in our life will get gifts...them and 2 very special friends that I love so much and can't imagine how I - WE could have made it through all the last 5 months without them. Scott has been a little down about our finances and that we weren't home, I hope me decorating the house will make him a little happier.

I had a little meltdown last week and he came in and lay beside me and we both just held each other tight and cried and talked. He makes me realize that things are long as we have each other...and Christ. Everything is faceable as long as we do it together!

So...I LIVE!

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Just when I think the worse...There is Scott!

This was one of my emails to Scott today. I sure know how to throw a pity party huh?


I am so sorry…maybe I didn’t pray enough or maybe I am being punished for something…I mean look at all that has happened to me since June…I have had to piss HIM off or something.

This was his reply to me...when did my husband get so insightful and faithful and .... I am at a loss for words.


Honey remember when you talked to the Pastor? Its not God that is doing this! The Devil has pegged us and is doing his best to beat us down and make us doubt our faith. I will not let him win he can go back to hell and stew over his future. This is all because he lost his hold on us!!! Look at us before, we where so backslidden, we didn’t go to church under the pretense that
No church felt right for us, remember that? Being honest now it wasn’t that the churches didn’t feel right to us, its we didn’t feel right with ourselves!

We didn’t want to commit to his will or his work and we felt out of place in his presence not in the church! After all a church is just another building unless you let God in to your life.

We did that we let him in we started following his will for us you went into the choir, I started helping out with the systems and we both where there when ever the doors where open.
We started to finally mature in our walk. The devil had us where he wanted us before, on the couch doing nothing to forward God’s work, then we went and did all this!??? You want to talk about someone pissed off!

Then we topped that off with trying to help Chris and moving home to be where we should be and starting to look at options like adoption and foster care so that we might spread our love and Gods love to little ones who have nothing at all…..

Yea we pissed someone off alright.

And I for one am glad he is pissed off and I hope we continue to piss him off till he leaves us alone in frustration, lets frustrated him and not let him frustrate us..

We will figure this out I can’t not work of course and I hope that this isn’t the last of this issue with them but even if this is we will figure this out.

Faith and prayer are our tools and the fact that we are using them more and more surely pleases God, and its not like he hasn’t done things for us, money when we needed it, help from out of nowhere, I know he is listening to us, but everything is in his time and according to his plan even the devil grieving us is part of it even though we don’t know why now we will later I am sure.

We must be strong and continue in his will and everything will work out I have faith if yours is feeling weak right now please share your burdens with me and I will share my faith with you and together we will get to where we want and need to be with God’s help.



Scott Lail
Database programmer/System Administrator


I don't even know where to start. I don't understand, so how do I put my thoughts into some sort of structure to get them here?

Scott fasted and prayed for a week for his job to allow him to work from home. I don't know how I could have prayed any harder or differently. I even took the step of faith that God was going to give us this and turned my resignation in at work. What more could we do to show God that out of anything we have asked and prayed for, this was more than a want...this was a need. Yet, Scott got the reply today to his request...denied. I don't understand.

I can't even finish my thoughts. I really believed this was going to happen...I believed with everything in me. I believed we would be home for Christmas. I believed that we would be starting the foster/adoption process soon as we got settled. I believed. I BELIEVED.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


Wow, this year has flown by. Seems like it should still be March or so.

Scott and I are leaving to go home ... around 3. We are staying tonight with my parents and doing lunch tomorrow with them. I am so worn o ut though...don't know how much fun I will be.

I realized why I posted that about Mark...holidays. They are always so hard when someone close to you has passed away. I think back to holidays with him, Christmas mainly. Though...he was a piglet at Thanksgiving.

I was going to do this 'What/who I am thankful for' post. But, I just can't today...weary really...physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I have been praying and praying hard for God to let this cup pass....but so far..still sippin from it.

I want to be thankful for Scott getting a job and be thankful that we are home.
I want to be thankful that they got it right and the headaches, blood pressure, diabetes... all gone!
I want to be thankful that all my friends and family are all happy and healthy.
I want to be thankful for a baby in my arms, one that will call me mommy and Scott daddy.

But, Scott doesn't have a job and we are still moving from hotel to hotel to house to here to there. We aren't home in our house in our bed.

But, I have a bad headache today, my blood pressure is up again, my sugar is outta wack again.

But, my friends and family are not all happy and dad is having a weak spell, my mom is having issues, Lena is about to have back much going on.

But, I don't have a baby in my arms, and with every day that day closer to 38...the possibility feels like it is totally slipping from my hand.

BUT, I have a saviour that has delivered me from so many things.
BUT, I have friends and many don't.
BUT, I do feel better than I have in a long time.
BUT, I have a plan for adoption and foster care.
BUT, Scott has a wonderful resume' and God will bless him with the right job...maybe the others weren't right.

Thank You God for what You have done, for what you will do and for all that You took away when I was 6 years old at Gilboa Baptist Church sitting on that back row with Tommy. I am glad I didn't have to earn it, You saved me because You loved me. Thank You for Your grace, Your forgiveness, Your strength when I am so weak and weary.

Monday, November 20, 2006


Our Church is starting a program... Reformers Unanimous. The international director came and preached at our church yesterday and my emotions were all over the place really. One of the first comments that stirred an emotion was that when 1 person has an addiction...4 people are directly affected. My mind raced back to Mark and when we first started seeing the signs of his addiction. The number 4...has to be an average...I can count 10 people without really trying, and I am sure there were more.

The preacher talked about how addiction was a spiritual thing. Mark was saved, I truly believe that...he was wounded...and I don't mean the fall that started his journey to pain meds...Mark was broken inside too I think, even before the fall. His wife had an abortion and didn't tell Mark she was even pregnant...and ohh how he loved children. That was the straw with Emma, he didn't look back when he walked out the door. That was unforgivable for him...for all of us. But, I can see that as a turning point for him. Though he dated other women, Linda was the most constant in his life...and it was a very intense, spark filled relationship. When they were good, they were really good. But, the bad...was soooo bad. Her children Terry and Brandy though, were the soft spot in Marks heart. He loved them like they were his own. Marks accident was during the time they were together, and marked the beginning of the end. His addiction started and it deteriorated their relationship...and his familial relationships as well.

I remember the first time I realized he had a problem. I was at his house, and Linda and I were playing cards....he came in and sat his bottle of Valium on the counter and went to the bathroom. We hid his a joke. He came in and was high, he said...yelled "WHERE are my was funny at first, but now...I wish I had realized it was sad.

Mark's addiction to pain meds led to other drugs, and that is not the opinion of my parents...though I know it. I found the burnt spoons and foil hidden in the bathroom trash....I saw him change with one bathroom visit. Popping a vicodin doesn't do that ...that quick. My frustration with him inhibited my heart I think.

Growing up he was the youngest of my 4 brothers and as tourturous as he was to me...I loved him so much. He would pick on me till he made me cry...but if someone else tried that, he would not hesitate to pop them or make them quit. He was very handsome and so talented on the piano. He had a very bright mind, he worked in cable and did an architects job and never graduated high school. He just had the brain for it, he could look at maps and such and design the lay out. He was just so smart in that arena. I was so proud of him....and regret to this day that I never told him any of that.

Then. Then. He fell from a cable poll onto his shoulder. Surgery wasn't an option, seemed pain med were the course he had to take. Him and Linda were rocky...more unsteady than ever in their relationship. He wasn't in church anymore. Once the taste was there for prescription meds...he had to have more and more. This escalated to one weekend, my parents were in Santee Cooper fishing...Mark went to a neighbor that had a small pharmacy in his basement that he provided service to local nursing homes. He went there with a gun, unloaded...but a gun no less. He went there with a bandana on. He walked in and demanded Vicodin. Later, we learned that the pharmacist had a gun under the counter and could have killed Mark. But, he said..."The man that did this, was so nice and so worried about my insurance paying for the theft...and he kept apologizing...I couldn't shoot him." It was a big deal in our small community. I was at my brother Johnny's when Mark came flying in behind his house leaving the truck. Johnny had already heard about it and Johnny knew it was Mark...I don't remember how he knew..or if I even really know how he knew...but he did. I remember Johnny crying. I went home to my parents house and saw Mark beside his little trailer burning a bandana and papers. It wasn't long after that, he was arrested and taken to jail. I remember hearing the sheriff pounding on my door wanting to talk to me to get a statement, and I hid in my closet, curled up in a ball crying until I could barely breathe.

I remember my dad and mom getting so mad at me, so mad at Johnny for saying out loud that we felt that he had done it. They couldn't believe he would do something like that. He denied it for a long time, finally admitting to us all he did it. ADDICTION caused a normal, loving, talented, smart, funny, friendly, honest man to lie, steal and break the hearts of those he loved and loved him back.

He was later convicted and sent to prison. I remember while he was waiting trial they had let him out...I am sure after my parents paid some exhorbinate amount of money. Mark said he wanted help and my dad had this big old blue chevy van. HUGE! My mom and I drove him to 3 different hospitals....all day long. Every time we would pull into the parking lot of one of the treatment centers...he would back out. Even as far as going in and then turn around and come right back out. He had a bag packed and everything. I was so angry at him. He had to want it, and as hard as we tried to force him...he pushed back. I went with my daddy the day he was convicted. I felt relief, thinking he would get the help he needed. I felt sad, he would miss almost 5 years of his life...our lives. I felt disconnected, I chose not to write or call or visit him while he was in prison. I got angrier by the day. I would read his letters to my mom and dad. He would start by saying how miserable he was, continue on to how he has turned to God and finish with how much money are they sending. My parents exhausted their bank accounts helping him, paying for new lawyers, sending him money for cigarettes and 'other' things. He didn't get the help he needed, he fell through the cracks and was treated as just another inmate...not someone that is suffering with an addiction. I did write him one time not long before he got out...just wanted him to know that I forgave him and we could start over when he got out. He never responded.

He did finally get out. He seemed better, more like the old Mark. Him and I talked, we were good. We sat on our front porch and talked. He told me he hated being 'OUT', he said he wasn't ready really to be on his own. He got up and started to walk back up to moms, and turned and hugged me and said he was sorry for everything and it would be better. Then...old friends came around. He went to yet another doctor, he begged to be admitted into the psych ward or some program. Instead she sent him home with Morphine patches. That is just what a well documented addict needed...more, stronger pain meds. He came home, he put on a patch...and I am sure took some Vicodin or whatever he had. Todd said he came down and talked to him a bit, how when he felt better he wanted to work with Todd in the shop. Then he went somewhere, came back to mom and dads house and crashed in the recliner. Daddy said he knew Mark was high. He was mad at Mark and they argued...Dad didn't want him sleeping in the chair because he knew it would hurt his back. Finally, Mark got up and went to bed. The next morning, Daddy said he walked by the room where Mark was asleep several times...but was gonna just let Mark sleep it off. Lunch time came, my mom was out in the garden. Daddy stopped and turned the light on and went in to wake Mark. Mark was gone. Oh his body was there, but Mark was gone.

I don't know the details really but my mom said that she heard this guttural yell from my daddy...that made her cold. She ran to the house, up the stairs and from that point until I get a call from Scott I am not sure what happened. I rarely left work early, I worked in Hickory and would always stop at my mom and dads before going home. I left work early...heading for my parents. Scott calls me from my office in Hickory asking where I was. I can see it today. I was just passing Salem General Store when he called. He said to come back to Hickory or wait for him so we could have dinner. It was 230ish....I knew something was up. I said no, just meet me at home. He said Hope...STOP, don't go home. I froze and thought for a split second my daddy was dead, or my mom....both had just had heart surgeries. But before he said anything, before I said anything...I knew it was Mark. I said what has he done now. Scott wouldn't say and I said is he dead? Scott wouldn't answer just begged me not to go home. I hung up and didn't answer when he called. I remember pulling in the driveway...2 ambulances, several sheriff cars and there stood Todd and Johnny. I rammed into a sheriff car *oops* and stopped, got out and Johnny told me that Mark was dead. All I wanted to do was get to my mom and dad...but no one would let me. ADDICTION did this. That day changed our lives forever.

He was 35. I am 37 now. I am 2 years older than when he was when his breath stopped. How did time go by?

The days following his death, very blurry. I remember going with mom and dad to pick out a coffin. Nothing I ever ever want to do again. I remember the night at the funeral home, receiving friends. I remember most who came by to offer their condolences. I would say a lot never knew Mark...they knew and loved us. I do remember those that I expected to be there and never came. That night made me realize how important it is to be there during the painful time of death, especially those first few days. I remember those that came, brought food, prayed with me and my family. I remember those that didn't come. I wonder sometimes why they didn't. I know there is a good excuse probably....but it doesn't dull that wonder and yes...a little hurt. But, it sealed my promise to be there for anyone that is close to me that loses someone. I don't want anyone to wonder where I was!

Addiction. I have had every opportunity to be addicted to pain meds. I have had several surgeries and recently have been given every kind of pain med thinkable to control migraines. But, Mark comes to mind and I chose not to take the pills. I don't want to hurt anyone like that. And what really perplexed me for a long time...he was not the kind you would picture to become addicted. He grew up in a Christian home, his daddy was a Baptist preacher. He was loving and kind, funny and smart...talented, why would he need to dull life with drugs??

Addiction. The preacher spoke of it often during his sermons. I don't think all treatment programs are bad, just the ones Mark was in...they would give him more drugs..though was still something he would abuse. I wish this program had been here when Mark was going through this. He could relate to Christians, he was one. I think this would have changed his life where we all failed, where all the programs, jails, psych wards failed.

I never thought I would be typing all of this...not sure why I am, other than God just laying it on my heart. This program our church is participating with and starting will do so much good, especially in a community like this. Addiction isn't just drugs... I know that, but that is the venue that has impacted my life so intensely.

I promise to pray for this program at our church and all the churches across the US that have this program. I am sure it will impact many lives here in Myrtle Beach.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Christian friends..

I think I take them for granted more than any friend I have. I know they are praying for me, I know that they will be there with something inspirational...such as a verse, poem, song...I just know that. And it isn't just friends...some family too.

I know that my mom and I don't always agree, but when something is going on...she is the first one I call out to for prayer. I know she has a direct line to God and boy when she prays things happen. She is who I think of when I think of prayer warrior. She had a group of women, her sister in law, niece and a few others that called themselves the Salty Sisters. They got together about once a month for dinner and Bible Study and prayer. My mom always wanted me to go, but I didn't think I would fit I wish I had. Most of them have passed away, and my mom isn't able to do as much as she used to. But...I have friends...really good friends that I could call my Salty Sister. Kari is the first one that comes to my mind. LoriBeth is another. They both have really been there when I needed someone to pray for me, when I didn't even ask them to...I knew they would be praying. They would send me a message or even call and I knew that God sent them to me.

I am finally coming out of the valley and that is when you realize who is there and not. They are still there! Last Sunday, the preacher talked about standing in for someone that is in the need of prayer and these two ladies came to my mind. LoriBeth is pregnant, anxious and worried...having a lot of morning sickness, so first I prayed for her with all my heart. Then, my dear friend Kari...she wants a baby so badly. She was just started on Clomid and was very apprehensive. I prayed for her to get pregnant soon...prayed til I cried for her. I don't go to the altar as much as I should, *STUPID REASON...don't want people looking at my butt while I am kneeling*, but I went this day. I went for them, for me, for Scott...Oh Lord, please give him a job home.

On that note, Scott hasn't had really any firm interviews which is so very disappointing. He usually gets the job he goes for, only God knows why not now. He told me today he wants me to move home at Christmas. I don't know what to say. I have this lump that rises in my throat when I even think of being without him for a day...much less an extended period of time. Silly I know, but after 17 just isn't OK to be without him in my heart...even if it isn't for long. I just don't know what to do, my heart says stay here with him until he gets a mind says go home, get the house ready and have everything done by the time he moves home. I just don't know what to do grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Praying for the answer...praying Scott gets a job and it isn't an issue.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Welcome to the world...Clark and Addison!

Today, my friend Jami had her babies. It has been a very scary few days, her blood pressure was up and she was getting dizzy. She went to the hospital on Sunday and after debating what to do for a day or so...they delivered the babies by c-section this morning. Clark, he weighted 5 pounds 11 ounces and Addison...she weighed 5 pounds 13 ounces. She is older by 3 minutes I believe! It is hard to believe they are here...she was a few days over 35 weeks. They are both doing good, Clark had some breathing issues, but has recovered fast.

Jami and CJ are already great parents to Alec and Ally...and now, with these, gonna have their hands full. I am just soooo very happy for them. I talked to Jami yesterday and heard Addisons heartbeat, then today....I returned her call and I heard Addison cry :) I can't wait to see pictures.

What a blessing this is for Jami...for us all really. So out of the Divas...we have 2 boys and 2 girls...Hayden and Madie born to Laura and Pennie are the other too...and ooo so precious are they! Everyday I become more and more greatful for these friendships and I hope they all know that.

SOOoooo HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLARK AND ADDISON...welcome to the both and your mommy will be in my prayers....always. I can't wait to hug you both....

Monday, November 13, 2006

His Glory Revealed...

Peter 4:12-13- Do not be surprised at the painful trial that you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ so that you will be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

A dear friend..yes, Kari again :) has exposed me to this verse. At first I read it and thought aww...great verse. But, it has been calling to me in a way. I thought about it and tried to apply it and was having difficulty.

Today, I read it and my heart opened up to it and wow....I am really almost speechless. Really since we have opened up to foster care/adoption... a lot of things have became clearer and made me see things in a different light.

I am so content with the heartfelt knowledge that His glory will be revealed when we get home and the process of foster care begins. God has done everything but set me in the DSS parking lot showing me that this is a path He wants me on. He even gave me a job in the Health Department where I saw multiple foster families every day...yet, I have been more consumed and determined with my own plans and what I think is my future...than what my God has planned for me. I could go on and on as to why God sent us to Myrtle Beach...but the main purpose was for us to find His will for our lives. He gave us a great church that nurtured that, wonderful friends here, an awesome Pastor...who I think will always be that to me! But, while here, He allowed us to be on the mountain quickly sink to the lowest valley of our lives. But....even in the God is good. I have became more humble to Him, quicker to turn to Him, more aware daily that if not for Him and His grace I wouldn't be where I am...and there is a mountain top in view. I just really feel that He has something great planned, and I haven't given up hope on having a child born to Scott and I...but that is not my only predestined path. I don't know why I have to always get into God's way when he knew me before I was thought of, knew where He wanted me...I would have been where He wanted me a long time ago...if it wasn't for that M word....ME ME ME ME!

His glory will be revealed, and there is this feeling in my heart and soul that it will be soon.

Isaiah 26:3
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

Thursday, November 02, 2006


Today...I had an ah-ha moment. A woman who has such a way with words, read my blog today. I had commented that if I had been more open to adoption, Scott and I would be more than a couple....we would be a family. DB just messaged me and said this...

Don't mislead yourself. You and your DH have always been a family since the moment you said I do. It's not quantity that makes a family. It's quality.

WOW...profound and so true...what was I thinking demoting our relationship from family to rude of me...SORRY SCOTT! I think back to the comment my sweet sweet DH said...I was being my normal emotional self and was telling him I feel useless not being able to make him a daddy...and he said something I will never forget...You made me a husband...that is all I need...

I am so blessed, I have such a wonderful husband...God had to have picked him out just for doubt about it. Most men would think twice about not having a child, when we heard that might be our reality...he was so wonderful and loving. mmm I love him!!

I am so blessed, I have wonderful parents that love me pretty much unconditionally. They are always there when I need them, and as they have gotten older...they have mellowed out a little and handle things so much better. I don't know where I would be without them.

I am so blessed, I have great friends. Leslie and Burt have meant so much to me, they make us laugh, they make us feel somewhat grounded here in Myrtle Beach. I will miss the closeness I have with them and can only pray that I find or refind friends like this in NC. Scott has always just been my best friend and until meeting Burt and Leslie...never really had close close couple friends. This was the hardest thing to let go of here. Speaking of friends...

Jami...she is pregnant with twins, Clark and Addison..Addison was a boy then a mystery and now...a GIRL! YAY. She has had a hard time with her pregnancy, but she is always there for me when I need a friend. She really is awesome!

DeeDee...also pregnant with twins...Thomas and William...and they have stayed boys :) She is one of the funniest people I know. She can make me laugh until I cry ohhh my gosh. She has such a smile about her, it shows through in her voice on the phone and in her typing. I luff her :)

Shannon...trying like me to get pregnant...she is so funny, she should be from the mountains of NC too...she has such strength and inner and outer beauty. She is always there to listen and to help in any way possible. She was probably the first Diva I really talked with... :)

Michelle...getting ready for IVF...she is young and beautiful. She is a teacher, she too is a ha ha way...not lesbian way :p She is one of those shock and awe kind of look at her pics and hear her voice and think, aww such a sweet person...quite and demure...LOL get to know her and she is just as crazy as me or any of the divas. Don't let her dancing monkey fool you! She has a way about her...and she has that smile too...all about her!

Robyn....she is getting ready for IVF too. She is a fitness guru! She is part of the reason I am losing weight. She took time out of her busy life to write to Shannon and I about some tips and ideas on losing weight. She is so giving and wonderful. She lives in CA and rubs elbows with stars all the time...She is one that you know will be there.

Jennifer...pregnant with...a surprise! The baby wouldn't cooperate and show us the goods, so for now...we wait, though I think boy. She is one of the strongest people I have ever met. She is taking care of her sick father and her love and compassion for him and others is so wonderful to see. She is always smiling and looks cute in a santa outfit :) She is always there too, giving advice and support.

Christina...pregnant with a girl...well, we don't know that yet...but I know it :p Where would we all be without her, she and her husband created and maintain Fertilchat. She is so awesome to give of her time to do this for us. She too is such a strong person and is always there to give advice and support to me. She has such an accent :p

Pennie...just delivered the cutest lil girl Madie. She is such a great mommy. Pennie is awesome too, you can always depend on her to be there to help or just to listen. She is fun to be with and gives the best support and advice too. She has such strong faith and she has helped me more than she will ever know!

Carla...struggling like a few of us. She lives in the UK and just got a new job, so not as much of her on the boards...but when she is there...ohh gosh so funny. She says what she thinks man, and doesn't hesitate. You never see her shake, she is so strong and determined. I just wished she didn't live so dang far away!

Last but not least....

Laura...just had Hayden...Madies boyfriend ;) She is so pretty and makes such a great mom. Laura has a way with words too, she always makes me feel better and no matter what she looks for the positive. She is so much fun and has something about her that just makes you wanna hang out with her!

No particular order by the way :p

I could go on and on. But, today I wanted to thank them for being there, for loving me and my faults and for always being supportive. Sometimes they have to kick me in the butt...but I need it. I hope to be half of what they have been to me.

I am so blessed with a good family as well, great brothers that I have missed so much and look forward to getting closer to them again. Great sister in laws, nephews, nieces too. I can't wait to be home to be closer to them again.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Home...not just where your heart is!

My heart is where ever Scott is...and in a general sense, it isn't always home. Myrtle beach felt like home, friends felt like home, church felt like home..job too. But we went home this weekend to unload our stuff in the house in Drexel. Home was all around me. There was my mom and dad, there was my brother Todd talking a mile a minute :), my brother Tommy...who just got saved! There were my neices and nephews. There was the mountain I stared at for 20+ years of my life, there was the crisp air with the smell of my uncles fireplace roaring. There were the stupid balls off the sweet gum tree that kill your bare feet. There were Scott's parents and Chirsten and Caleb. There were mammas chicken -n- dumplings! Lena's meatloaf. There was the house we never thought we would live in again....filled to the rim with everything we own. There was an old boyfriend at Auto cool that it took me forever to figure out who he was...but he knew me from the back of my head! Maybe I was his one that got away....Scott just laughed, a little nervous laugh though, and said "I WON"! Scott had me from hello....corny I know, but true. That...all of that makes home...HOME. I won't ever leave again I don't think, unless God insists!

I had a revelation too while we were considering all of the moving home issues. A child, born in Myrtle Beach...or adopted here, would never know the joys of spending the night with me-maw and papaw on a whim, or go to the falls where his/her great great grandpa had his corn grounded into corn meal. He/she would miss all that closeness with cousins and aunts and uncles and such like Scott and I had. The beach wouldn't be somewhere special to visit...would just be where we live. I just can't deal with the thought that my 'selfish' decision to live 5 hours away from everyone would take that away from our child.

Speaking of children. When we get home, it has been decided...we will do foster care. We will adopt a child, we will become more than a couple...we will...WILL become a family. I kick myself a lot lately that I never opened up completely to adoption. If I had...(Scott had!) we would be a family. God's time Hope, God's time...not my time! I can't wait really. I know we have to do a lot of things to the house to get it ready for a child, but we will do it.

Today, I will get my beta back and know if this cycle was a bust. Any time really. I figured it would have been back already...but, the machine is being slow. I am not publishing this though until she calls. It is negative...:(

The Diva's went private today....well, Yesterday really. It is nice to share and not worry about who is reading or whatever. We share so much personal info, we all were getting a little nervous.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Hateful 2ww

I am 9 days past ovulation and I hate it. I don't think I am, but my wants are overriding my brain. Here is my chart...see why I can't help but be a lil excited.

My emotions have been everywhere the last week. Friday night, my long time boss and friend passed from Cancer...he was awesome and will be missed so much. Then Sunday night my mom tells me of a little boy...Ashton...that needs a family. He is 2 and the great grandson of a family friend. We just knew from the time she said it...that we wanted to. So mom called her back and let her know we were interested and we really thought since we knew the family...we would be favored over the other 3 families interested. All night Sunday night...all day Monday...all I could think about was this little dark haired blue eyed baby boy. I thought about Scott rocking him to sleep, my mom singing to him, my daddy teaching him to fish, me giving him baths and feeding him and Christmas and John and Lena spoiling him...all my family falling in love with him. I thought about nursery and baby proofing the house...all things baby ran through my mind in those 24 hours. How did that in that short period of time did I fall in love with him...or maybe was just the idea of him. When I got out of the shower and looked at Scott in bed....I could see him snuggled up in his arms...UGH We all prayed hard, but...Monday night...the mother put him in Foster care and said she didn't want anyone that knew the family to adopt him. I was shocked and sad and crushed. I let so many tears flow that night that I really wonder how I wasn't dehydrated. I screamed out to God...why can't I be a mommy...why can't Scott be a daddy???? I know He has a plan, but wow...I would love to be let in on it sometimes. Then my ever faithful friend Kari...posted something...

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

"While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

Kari has this uncanny ability to post things to me that are just what I needed to hear...and just when I needed to hear it. I was just ready to give up on having a child...naturally or otherwise. Sometimes the pain is too much to bear, I find solace in my fertility challenged friends. I find solace in God, in my family, in Scott....but the most comfort I seem to find is with a group of ladies that I have never met. How strange I am sure most think, but it is what it is! I don't know if it that common thread, if it the fact that most know how hard this is, empathy is sometimes stronger than sympathy. I don't know how to explain it. People look at me like I am crazy when I mention these ladies by name or if I get a call while in their presence and then they ask who was that....and I say....ohh Jami...and of course they ask who is that...and they don't understand. But that is ok, I do...God does...He no doubt brought these ladies to me! I am so blessed! Ohh and they are such Divas...but in our am I!?!?! Love, Love, Love them!

I know I have let this blog get stagnant, but Operation Baby has been on hold anyways due to my health. And this cycle was/is a complete meds, just when I got my period...I thought heck....why not try. And now...I am so completely excited.

Myniecee is pregnant, I admit it....jealousy has hit me hard. When I see her sonogram on her happy as I am for her, I can't help but be sad and hurt and JEALOUS! I hate that! I love her so much and want to share in this with her....but how do I explain to her that it hurts. I don't even understand it. I have got to find a way to do this, she is important to me, we were so close there for a long time, she is a woman now...pregnant, do I acclimate to this? Praying hard for peace, as when we move home...I want to be there, I want to share this with her. I want to let her know how much I care and how much she means to me. I want her to know that I don't hate her....I hate my empty arms! It's insane to associate the two, but it isn't just her...almost any pregnant woman...I wanna know why her and not me????

Ok, I can't cry anymore at work, people are starting think I am losing it. I am wondering if I ever had it ha ha.

Well, I may cry again ... I have pictures of Colin on my desk, one when he was maybe 2 weeks old, I am holding him. And then a few as he has gotten bigger. And there is a picture of his parents...Burt and Leslie. I have gotten so close to them, and our friendship makes me doubt this move a lot. Scott and I have never made better friends than them, how do I handle that? I can run across the street any time pretty much and get my Colin fix, my Leslie fix...and even Burt. I can't even talk about it with them, I get so choked up. Scott and I as a couple have never had friends like them, and I haven't had a friend like Leslie ever....and the closeness I feel to her isn't comparable to other friendships I have had in the past. From the time we met in Sunday School I knew I wanted to know them better. And from the start Scott and I felt so comfy with them. Some of the things we talk about....EEEK I wouldn't talk about with others. And...I saw her we are bonded for life now HA HA HA. I know I will feel so lonely for a while when I get home, I will miss Colin walking and talking and won't be there to spoil him rotten...not that he needs me to do that... :) I am just praying that God blesses us with friends like them, I pray that Leslie and I keep in touch and keep this friendship strong. It isn't like I am moving to California! I want her to be a part of mychild'ss life, she gave me the blessing of being there with Colin a lot...she will never know how much it meant that she let me hold him and love on him....and her calling me Mommy Hope....even though I am not his mommy...she let me love him, she shared that with me for a while...I think it helped. I have always had a hard time being around babies...but never once Colin. Oooo I just love him! I love them all, so much. Scott really likes them too, which doesn't happen all the time...he thinks Burt is so smart and is so funny. Him and Burt are very different, but sometimes that is good. Now Leslie and I...freaky how sometimes we think and do things alike....a lot of the same tastes and such. If I could have had her around when I was 10 on up....well, that would have made her like 3...and I don't think we woulda hung out ha ha. SIGH I will miss them so much!

Monday, September 11, 2006

5 years ago...

It really doesn't seem like it has been that long ago, but then sometimes seems much longer. I have tried not to watch the news today. The day it happened, I was glued. But, I did start a thread at the fertility group I am a member of and this was pretty intense.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Pastor wants to talk...

I was worried...wasn't sure why, but he was a little ominous when he said it to me...and he was pretty clear he didn't want to talk while Scott was there. So, we made an appointment. This was Tuesday, August 15th at 10:00. I get there and walk into his office. We sit down and you would really have to know my pastor, he is a little intimidating but not....not sure how to explain that. He started talking to me, telling me how he knew that my life was troubled and I was in a dark place. I told him that I had been, but that even though my health hadn't gotten much better, I was accepting things better and that I wasn't as angry as I was. A few different messages he had preached and the Greenes had healed my heart a lot!

He said he had been burdened for me and that God gave him a verse to give to me...Isaiah 26:3
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. I read it and read it and started working!! Anyways, he also said...Hope, I want you to write everything down that has had you in this dark place and rip it up....burn it...throw it in the ocean...whatever....but when you do, GIVE IT TO GOD! Then claim that verse.

We talked a little longer, we prayed and we prayed for answers. I left there feeling so empowered, so much lighter...I really hoped that I could do all the things I said I would. I did the list, I wrote out the verse. I felt better!

I woke up the next morning, Scott handed me the phone. There were 2 missed calls. One was from 6:32...who was calling at 6:32??? It looked like a work number, I was like on noooo they are not calling me in!! The other was just before 8. There was a voice mail, so I called it and listened and it was the neurologist. { *BACKING UP A LITTLE* The Neurologist had sent me for a sleep study. We were at the point that he was starting to rule out things since everything else was pretty much coming back clear. Sleep apnea was a possibility since I off I went for this HORRIBLE test. I thought nothing would come of it really, I didn't sleep during the test (at least it didn't feel like it) and until I started reading some things about it...I really thought it was a long shot! } He calls back and he says "Hope, you have definite severe Sleep Apnea." I was silent, every diagnosis or whatever from the docs have been like this...possible, probable, maybe, ...blah blah...but this time, I just heard him say YOU HAVE DEFINITE.... I started bawling, he was like HOPE...stop, sleep apnea is easy to work on...most of the time a cpap mask at night will fix it. I told him that wasn't why I was crying. He was like ????? I said I am THRILLED to have it, I am excited that I have SOMETHING, something I can wrap my head around and something that I can explain to my husband, my family. Something you can fix...something I can maybe stop some of these drugs I am taking right now. I HAVE SOMETHING REAL...I was to the point of thinking my mind was making me feel like this.

This was less than 24 hours from the time that I had my meeting with the pastor...AIN'T GOD GOOD???!!!

But just to make this all come full circle. I went home to see family this past weekend, and I spent most of Sunday with mom and dad....and LILY!! OOOOooo she is so precious, but when I get pics off my camera, I will just post a whole post about that!! Oh yeah...MISTI and BRADY too *smiles* Just kidding...Misti is such a great mother...watching her with Lily took every strength I had not to cry continuously! I digress....haha

I was telling mom about the meeting with the pastor, and then told her the verse that he gave me...that the Lord told him to give to me. I know mom is emotional like me, but I was more than a little confused when the tears were flowing so heavily down her soft pink cheeks. I finally stopped talking long enough to ask her why she was crying. She said when Mark died, she was so grief stricken, she didn't know where to turn and she was sleeping and God gave her that chapter in her sleep and she has been claiming that as her life verse every since. I didn't know that! I am still wowed by that. Out of all the verses he could have given me that would have inspired me or lifted me up, he gave me the one that healed my own mothers heart!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Frustration isn't going to control me!

I went to the doctor this week. I only saw the nurse practitioner though, it was for a blood pressure check and to review my thyroid meds.

She comes bouncing in...all smiles, she is like that every time I see her. I wanted to smile back, I wanted to tell her I was headache free, I wanted to be wearing my scrubs which would mean I was back at work! But, I sat there, my hands covering my eyes a was a very bright room. I wanted to lie to her, but I tried that with Dr. Belden and he saw right through it. Soo, when she asked how I was...I just mumbled the same. My BP was still up, but not as badly. 148/90, which is better than the past week of 190ish/98!

Then came the ahha moment question. Are you feeling depressed????? I looked up at her and my wheels started turning...she thinks I am depressed...then like an out of body experience, I saw how I must have looked when she came in. I looked depressed! If I said yes...she is going to give me more drugs, some kind of way! So I answered, No...not depressed, frustrated.

She started to ask something else, then stopped. I then asked her what was next. She said they needed to get me to a neurologist to see if he could stop the headaches. I really wasn't crazy about Dr. Benjamen, but he knows my recent history and it makes it easier not to have to go over everything again. So, next Thursday I go to see him. I see Belden on Tuesday. I hope...ohh my how I hope...and so does my bank account, that I will be back at work at some point next week.

Well, I started thinking about frustration and how for the last month at least, it has consumed me. So I looked it up in the dictionary...

frus·trate(frstrt)tr.v. frus·trat·ed, frus·trat·ing, frus·trates
To prevent from accomplishing a purpose or fulfilling a desire; thwart: To cause feelings of discouragement or bafflement in. To make ineffectual or invalid; nullify.

Wow...I am not going to let my life, my hopes, my dreams, my love, my family, my friends, my job, my heart be ineffectual or invalid! I have withdrawn from people. I haven't spent time with friends, I haven't called them, I have been FRUSTRATED! I cringe when people ask me how I am. I have to tell them, no big change! I hate that I can't get out with people..the sunlight kills me, but I do do it some...just because I don't want to let people down. I want to be back at work, but what if I get there and the headache gets worse...I won't be able to take a pill and lay down...sigh. It is all been so difficult. BUT, I will defeat this...with God's help!

When I was leaving church on Sunday, Doug our music director asked me... how I was feeling, if I was going to be a choir practice and if I was going to sing again. I said yes to him. I honestly didn't know if I was ever really going to sing a solo again or not. But SATAN will not win this. If his goal is to frustrate me...make me prevent me from accomplishing a purpose...HE WILL NOT MEET HIS GOAL!

I keep thinking back to that night. I didn't continue to sing by my own strength, there is no way I could have. God was the only One that got me through that song. I remember praying during the song, but I barely remember singing. How did those words come out? How did I pray different words than what I was singing? Why was my mind not so confused with the pounding, the visual changes, the pain, the nausea, the dizziness, the words of prayer and the words of the song? I have listened to the tape....I didn't miss a word. I remember the exact words I prayed...Lord, please get me through this song. That was the first prayer I prayed as the music started. I remember at some point, wanting to give up, wanting to turn to Doug and say.. I can't, But then... I saw Mike Lowder and a few others raise their hands and say amen... I prayed...God, please get me through this song, if I am blessing someone...please don't let me stop. So, what is so different now? Why can't I ask for that help right now? I was secure in His faithfulness that night, why not now? I can't be frustrated...that just won't do...I will not be ineffectual for Him! I refuse. I will refuse to use that word in association with my walk with God and my life. As my dear sweeeeeeeet momma said to me recently...."You get back up there and sing if it hairlips the devil". She is so hillbilly, *smiles* but I love her.

I can't...He can
I won't...He will
I fall...He picks me up
I stop...He encourages me to go on
I cry...He makes me smile
I fail...He succeeds
I turn away...He is always in my sight
I give up...He gives me hope
I go silent...He gives me song
I am weak...He IS my strength
I am frustrated...HE MAKES ME WHOLE!

I am no longer considering myself frustrated, I am heartened, encouraged, uplifted, TRIUMPHANT...VICTORIOUS! Through nothing I have done, but through Christ and His grace!

I am going to sing that song 'If You want me to' soon. I have to pray for the courage, not fear of singing it really...fear of that moment happening again. Satan is counting on that fear...but he is gonna be the the one frustrated!! NULLIFIED!

WOOOOO HOOOO...It's gonna be a good day!

The Whisnants are probably my alltime favorite group... am listening to one of their CD's now...and they have a song...Even in the many of their songs have helped me so much through all of this...but this one is my Theme Song I think!!

Even In The Valley

High upon this mountain - the sun is shining bright
My heart is filled with gladness here above the cares of life
But I've just come through the valley of trouble, fear and pain
It was there I came to know my God enough to stand and say

CHORUS:Even in the valley - God is good
Even in the valley - He is faithful and true
He carries his children through - like He said he would
Even in the valley - God is good

The road of life has lead you to a valley of defeat
You wonder if the father has heard your desperate plea
But there is hope in the rugged place where tears of sorrow dwell
Can't you hear Him gently whispering "I am hear and all is well"

How could that song not just lift you up!! Greater Yes is one of my new favorites too...

It starts with a desire, planted deep within your heart
You pray in faith, and wait for God to move
Time passes and you wonder
Did He hear me when I called?
Should I even have prayed that prayer at all
You never pray a prayer, your Father will not answer
He can't ignore His child's earnest request
While you're waiting and believing
For what you thought was best
Trust God if He says no….. You're still Blessed
There must be a greater yes

There comes a time when child-like faith
Must graduate to trust
Trials come and you're convinced you're on your own
But the teacher's often silent
During the hardest test
But He'll answer when It's time with what is best

Sometimes God will answer - just like we prayed
Then other times what's on His mind
Is a better plan, a another way, a greater yes

Monday, July 24, 2006


God puts you just where you need to be....even when you don't know it.

Last night, the Greene's came to our church to sing. WOW. I know a lot of their songs and have almost worn out the TaRanda's CD. I can probably sing every word to all of them. Her song about Isabella...I have to skip is about her love for her blessing...her baby girl. They have this T-shirt, I hope they have it online, didn't have the money last night...but it has a blood stained cross on it...and says "I was saved by a blood donor" cool!! Even Scott said he would wear I will get 2 if the opportunity is there.

Anyways, last night was amazing. I went there so heavy with burdens and worries...wasn't sure if I would even go. I was even late for choir not like me. We sit down and we were closer to the front than Scott likes, but our usual seats were taken...and I wanted to see good. When she sings, her whole face lights up, she smiles with her whole body...just melts ya! She sung Skyfull of Angels, a fav..and #1 on the charts...which they gave her a framed CD and all last happy for her! But then....she sang My Redeemer Lives..and it is awesome on her CD...I think it is close to 9 minutes on the CD...but last felt like I was wrapped up in that song, all around me I could feel "HIM"! I can hold my emotions in church very well most of the time, but I started crying and couldn't stop. With all that has been going on, and I really don't see the end in sight...I think I forgot...My Redeemer LIVES! No matter what is going on in my life...He is in control. Then they sung this song...God Did...sigh, He had to have been right there when they were writing their set list saying...Hope needs that...oh yeah, that one too! Then ... wow... Tony sang I can't even walk...without You holding my hand. I have heard that song since I was young...and boy they have revived it. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have been walking around, feeling alone and like nothing or no one can help. I keep looking around...down...everywhich way but UP. He Lives, He holds my hand, He carries me, He knows it all, He hears, He helps, He forgives, He is always there.

Life has been so hard lately, I don't know why He has me in this valley...but I walk through it...crawl through it if He wants me to. Look at what He did for me!!

I never thought I would be here, 24/7 headache, no salary coming in, frustrated with no real diagnosis since the stroke. My medicine bills are reaching epic proportions...he is trying me on all this new stuff. Thank God for providing all that He has, and I know...yes, I KNOW... He will sustain us...and ohhh how sweet the mountain is gonna be.

I just wanted to post about the Greenes before my day got going. While I was praying this morning and having my God time...I thought about the child with Cancer last night, and I thought how selfish I am sometimes. I pray for me me me and there are so many that are more deserving of my prayers.

Well, I better get off here, I have a dear sweet brother coming tonight and I want the house to look good and have him something cooked!


Monday, July 17, 2006

Mamma wannabe

I want to be a mom. But I can't. Instead, I'm a mom wannabe. I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child naturally with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended. But I can't.

Instead, I suspect a doctor and a laboratory will try to assist God with our conception while my husband watches from the other side of the room. I want to have sore breasts and be totally exhausted, then discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a second line. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discover. I want to surprise my husband with the news that he is going to be a daddy. I want to see the look on his face. But I can't.

Instead, I cry tears of pain every month when it doesn't happen and I cry to my husband, "Why??" and I apologize for being defective, because he is fine. I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the 'pregnant glow.' I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't.

I want to take pre-natal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't.

Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving and if they are taking that little miracle for granted. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met. I want to hear the Doctor say, "You're pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't.

Instead, I hear my well-meaning friends say "just relax." Wow! If I had known anxiety was an effective form of birth control, I'd have tried it years ago! I wanted to surprise my parents with a new grandchild; instead I burdened them with the news that we are having problems conceiving. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read What to Expect When You're Expecting. But I can't.

Instead, I read When Empty Arms Leave a Heavy Burden. I want to wear maternity clothes and rub my belly (but not too much because it annoys the heck out of me when pregnant women do that continuously!) I want to monitor the progress. I want to see the ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want stretch marks. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. I want to be measured. But I can't.

Instead, I give blood, get poked and prodded and have surgery. I pray for my eggs to grow and pray they fertilize. I take my temperature and try to interpret every little rise and dip, and how it compares with my temperature pattern last month. I examine every bodily secretion that comes out of my body, hoping and praying for spotting at just the right times, and no spotting at others. I take supplements. I wait. I pray. I wait for the one phone call that can make our life better. Or worse. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. But I can't.

Instead, I imagine a crib in the empty room down the hall. I avoid the baby stores in the mall. I want to be the one to excuse myself to go nurse my baby. Instead, I'm the one stuck at the table with all the husbands. I want to use a car seat. I want to pump. I want to have my baby throw up all over me. I want to change dirty diapers. I want to give baths. I want to watch my husband hold our baby from across the room. But I can't.

Instead, I watch him with our niece and love the way he loves her, but get my heart broken each time I see it. I want to see him love OUR baby. I want to tell my friends about how my baby learned to roll over, or say da-da, or how he took his diaper off and threw it across the room. I want to buy my baby new shoes. But I can't.

Instead, we will spend our money on doctor appointments, tests and high tech procedures. We will spend our money on a dream. We may be left with an empty bank account. We may be left with empty arms. I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't.

Instead, I watch my friends and relatives get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes. I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't.

Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined. I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want the nurses to take a picture of us when our baby is only minutes old. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking, "We did it!", but knowing that God did it. But I can't.

Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wonder what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this. I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope that this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon, He will give it to us. I want to be a mom. --- But I can't.

Instead, I am right where God wants me to be: thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in status from a mom wannabe . . . to the mom I want to be.

Author Unknown

Thursday, July 06, 2006

June has it really been a month!?!?!?!

Sorry I haven't been updating here lately. Since that fateful day...things have been pretty ..ok extremely different.

As you know I am a member of a fertility site, I did post what happened after the fact, and will just copy and paste most of that. This was typed on the 10th.

I will try to give you all the details I can remember and what Scott has told me. Wednesday night, 6:00 I was fine! We had choir practice and I was cutting up laughing with the other altos. Then, 7:00 came and I still was fine. I walked up to the podium at about 7:10 during a prayer and I turned to face the audience and it felt like the top of my head was going to pop right off.

I have had migraines for years, but my worst one pales in comparison to this one.

I wanted to turn to the music director and tell him I couldn't sing, but the music started and I just prayed that the Lord would get me through it so I wouldn't be so embarrassed! I started to sing and I got dizzy, with every heart beat the audience would bounce. I grabbed the podium and midway through I almost stopped again. But, I saw people raising their hands and saying amen and wiping their eyes...and I thought God, if I am blessing someone, please let me finish this song. He answered that prayer. I don't remember singing the entire song, but Scott said I didn't miss a word...I didn't miss a note. I finished the song and I remember sitting down by Scott then telling him I was sick. I went to the bathroom and started vomiting to the extreme! A friend came to check on me and I asked her to get Scott that I needed to go home. He came got me and walked me to the car. I remember getting home and vomiting even more..(sorry too much info), and changing my clothes. Then I laid on the couch and from then until almost 2 the next morning is black to me. Scott said he would yell at me and I wouldn't respond, friends came over and they couldn't get me to respond either.

Scott took me to the ER, he said that by that time I couldn't even walk or move on my own. He said I was still dry heaving and crying out in pain, but I wasn't lucid at all. They took me in for a CT of the brain, and when they got the results back they told Scott I had had a stroke!! He said he broke down crying trying to figure out how to tell me when I woke up, and trying to figure how to tell friends and family. At 12 pm they finally gave me something for pain, they said until the results of the CT came back they couldn't give me anything when they did it really started easing the pain and I started waking up. It was about 130 in the morning when I started coming around and Doug, our choir director was there. Scott told me what the doctor said and I said...he was CRAZY! I am 37...37 year olds don't have strokes.

Doug felt bad, thought him 'making me sing had something to do with it. I tried to reassure him it didn't and I remember him leaving. I went to sleep and when I woke up the next morning, my regular doctor came in and we talked a while. He said I had had a stroke and that he was sending me down for an MRI of the brain to see the extent and would be sending a neurologist down to see me. The neurologist came in and said, I had had a stroke, but not on Wednesday. He said it was old and probably happened during a bad migraine. He was concerned that I had had a stroke in the past but was more concerned at what was going on now. He sent me down for a spinal tap...which went HORRIBLY! It usually takes about 30 minutes, I was there for over 2 hours and one doctor gave up and called another doctor in! They went in 10 times...and finally got it. They said I was really dehydrated was why they had such a hard time. It came back clear, which was a big sigh. He came back and told me that he thinks this was a Complex Migraine....I was like this wasn't anything like my migraines! He said a complex/complicated migraine which he said it acts like a stroke in many ways, it attacks your brain neurologically along with pain and causes you to have stroke like symptoms.

I still have the headache, but nothing like it was. I am still nauseated and dry heaving some, but not as badly. I went against his advice and came home today...I just feel like I would do better home with my bed and my parents taking care of me..along with Scott of course. I go to see him on Tuesday and if there is still a headache he is going to do another MRI just to make sure there is nothing changing. He also said this could be something Viral, but he hopes that after a few days all my symptoms will be gone. I am praying so. He has started me on a blood thinner and I have to have follow up CT's for the next 2 years. He also said that I have to be more diligent in my meds, my diet and my exercise regimen. I told him I had been doing good, had lost almost 20 pounds and he said that I needed to keep it up.

Well, that was the long and short of that! But today...a month later, still headaches. Sometimes VERY intense. He has told me that we can't try for a baby for 6 months. He still thinks it was possibly a stroke and is treating me as such. He has changed all my meds back to ones I can't take while trying to get pregnant. This was all pretty devastating..more than the episode itself. Especially in light of Cara being pregnant. I really went through a rough week trying to come to terms with why God would give someone who wasn't married, still a child herself a blessing of a child...and then, Scott and I...have spent so much money, seen so many doctors, cried so many tears and prayed so many prayers...and our arms are still empty. I was so angry...not at Cara, at God! I said some pretty bad things to him last week! But, got an email from a friend...Kari is her name, and she flipped the light in my heart and I am starting to accept things and pray for a healthy 9 months for Cara, I do love her so much...just the pain right now of it all is greater than any other feeling I have. People that have not had issues having a child, I know they won't understand that. I thank God for those that can EMPATHIZE with me, not only sympathize!

This is part of a post I posted after finding out of Cara's pregnancy...

My mother said...don't get upset, this is God's choice and there is a I guess that means it is HIS choice to keep me childless. Why should I be faithful to a God who seems to choose to make me miserable in this part of my life. I am at such a cross road and I don't know what to do. I haven't told Scott, no use upsetting him at work. You know, I have been so sure of God and his plan...and that whatever happens happens, it is His will and I was ok with it. In one instant, I just don't know. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I have cried and cleaned and finally can type. I cleaned my bathroom and threw out every preg test, every ovulation kit...not just threw them away, I opened them up and dipped them in toilet water just so I wouldn't go take them out of the trash. I BROKE the digital BBT. I just cant tell you how angry I am, how hurt I am..not at her...but at My all powerful God! I am angry that they chose to tell me right now. I just had a stroke and my stress level is supposed to be NIL. But her mom called with the big news, all happy and not ONCE did she say I know this must hurt you...not ONCE considering my feelings...and they know all that Scott and I have been thru. All the money, all the time and doctors and all the tears. I called my mother and she was all you got to have faith, God will give you your has been nearly 14 years we have tried!!! I am freaking 37 years old...if it was going to happen, it should have happened. How can I trust in something so blindly. UGH...sorry I am just rambling.

As you can see...I was so hurt and so angry. I debated if I should post this here or not. I am not mad at Cara or Lisa, I hope they don't feel that. I just wanted to express how I was feeling, and how even when you feel that your faith is strong as can can crack and shatter in a split second! I am thankful for the grace He gives to put the pieces back together again.

This was the email I got from Kari:

Friend~ I am so sad that things are so terribly tough for you right now, and I am so sad about the way you are feeling. I cannot say how I would react to the news that you had received, but I would hope that I would never turn my back on God. If you turn away from him, who will you cling to in all of your times of need that are in the future? Who will always be there day and night to shoulder your struggles with you? Who has all of the answers? Who holds the key to your future? There is only One and He loves you so much Hope! I can understand that you are hurting, I can understand that you would question WHY, but you just cannot turn away from the God you have always known and loved. You can be mad at him, you can scream, you can yell, you can ask him why, you can question his plan, you can tell him how angry you are, but you can never ever stop believing. Talk to Him Hope, say whatever you want, he can handle it, but just don't stop talking to Him.

Jeremia 29:11~ For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for to give you hope and a future.

It is so hard to see the plans that he has for us when we are in the valley, but he does have plans for you Hope. He can see where are lives are 5 years from now, 10 years from now, and the things he does for us today build that future. I have been at the lowest of lows and the highest of highs, and I know that there is a lesson in all of this that you will learn and you will look back at this time and you will understand. My heart is hurting for you. I will pray withour ceasing for you. Know that if you need someone you can e-mail, PM or I will give you my # and we will talk like real people . I know you are a "musical being" and music talks to your heart like it talks to mine. The first song I ever sang by myself for special music was "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens. I sang it at a time that was very very hard for my family and it spoke to my heart so much. I look back now, four years since then and I know what God was doing. I am going to sing that song for you in the hopes that you will find some comfort.
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why
You brought me here

But just because You love me
the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan,I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see
You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley If You want me toYes,
I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

You say: "It's impossible"God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired"God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me"God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 3:34)
You say: "I can't go on"God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: "I can't figure things out"God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)
You say: "I can't do it"God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able"God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it" God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28)
You say: "I can't forgive myself"God says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage"God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid"God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)
You say: "I don't have enough faith"God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)
You say: "I'm not smart enough"God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone"God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

You posted that just a week ago. Don't give up Hope. I will be praying for you and thinking of you. Don't be a stranger, keep us posted on how you are.

I got this, and was so ashamed that I had given up on Him. I still don't know His plan, I am still hurting, but...everyday my heart softens and I am accepting things and putting them at the foot of the cross. Here was my reply...

After my 'breakdown' I clammed up. I wouldn't talk to Scott, I wouldn't cry about it...I just literally shut down.

Wednesday (6/28) morning I had a doctor's appointment. I went in and my blood pressure was out the roof...198/108. He freaked out on me really. He said he was changing my meds back to the not pregnant friendly ones and my TTC was going to be on hold for 6 months. I said fine. He fought with me last time because this was something you wanted, how is it you just are ok with me delaying it?? I was still wearing my pity party hat, and I told him I gave up and won't ever try again to have a baby. He had a few choice words for me, but basically said I will try again but for now I have to get healthy. I am back to 3 BP pills a day, 2000mg of metformin for my diabetes, another pill for diabetes and a new drug called Byetta for diabetes..stupid shot I have to give myself twice a day!!! He yelled at me for trying to sneak back to work and that since I am still having headaches that I have to have another brain scan on this Wednesday. I constantly have one, (headache, not brain...I think that comes and goes) but if I walk and my heart rate goes up, or I get stressed out or starts POUNDING like crazy.

He is worried about a clot or something in my brain...or an aneurysm. BLAH BLAH, at least that was how I felt that day. I really didn't care if all of this was something really bad or not! I didn't care what was wrong, give me some drugs to numb the pain and numb life in general. I asked him if he was going to pay my house payment and car payments and he said if I go back to work and something happens...I wouldn't have a car/house payment anyways. Smart ass doctor. Sooo I am still out of work. At least until this Wednesday...I see the nurse for BP check and such, I may get to go back PT if NO headache and my BP is good. If not, I see him again next wednesday. GROWL

I was determined not to go to church Wednesday night and up until about 30 minutes before choir practice, I still wasn't going. Then...I don't know what happened, well I guess I do...but, I got in the car and drove on to church. We get through with practice and I come out and there sat my dad and Scott. The service started, Amazing Grace was sung first, then a song by the Whistnants...Even in the Valley God is Good. I am thinking...ok, whatever....My daddy must have called the pastor or something. Like, the pastor would cater the whole service to my needs. Then...he preaches on 2 Corinthians God's grace is sufficient...ALL the time. I am angry, I am wasn't so sufficient when I got a call from my SIL. But, I could feel my heart softening and my head trying to wrap around all that has happened. We pray and dismiss...well, they pray...I am still angry and closed off.

Then, a woman I have barely spoke to came up to me and asked how I was since the song incident. I was a little curt really and said fine, I am just fine. She looked at me and said no your not, but you will be. I looked at her ... and was weirded out. Then she just said she enjoyed my song and was blessed by it and that things would be ok, that God gives us valleys and trials sometimes but they will make us stronger and when I am standing back up on my mountain this valley will not seem so tragic. My emotions ranged from wanting to hug her, to wanting to slap So, I just smiled and said thank you and walked away. She rang in my ears, I spend most of Thursday alone. I got really sick from the med changes I think. So I took phenergan and tylox and slept the day away.

Friday, I woke up and it was a new day. I cleaned house, I went to the grocery and other than that freakin headache, I was feeling better. Saturday came and I had no intentions of getting on here, but sometimes habit just kicks in. I had a private message from someone who always says just what I need to hear, just when I need to hear it! She posted a lot, but this me where it counted. I was headed right in to my favorite post (HERE..duh) but got hung up on this message. The gates opened, I bawled like a baby, I cried out to my God who I thought had forsaken me..(drama queen I know!). He was still there, even after all of the HORRIBLE things I have said to him this past week. Sunday morning...pastor preached on the Prodigal son!! How fitting was that.

Every day...I let go of a little more anger, a little more of the self pity and a little more of the sadness. No matter what I said in that post, which I am dying to go back and, I have faith HE will get me through all of this. Sigh....sorry it took all the middle stuff to get to this paragraph...but...I AM OK!

And well, that is where I am today. Trying to handle things. Trying to just leave it at the cross. It's hard. The pastor preached last night that we can take things to God all day, but sometimes we think we can do it better, quicker and we get in His way! We keep Him from blessing us.

Well, it has taken me all day to post this in between phone calls and a few other distractions.

Misti...if you read this..I got your call, I was at church. I love you so much and will call you back soon. Other than type, I just can't find the words to talk to people about most of what has happened. Even with Scott. You just don't know how much the message meant to me. I love you so much!!

OK...gotta clean house before mom and Lisa and Brad gets here!