Thursday, July 27, 2006

Frustration isn't going to control me!

I went to the doctor this week. I only saw the nurse practitioner though, it was for a blood pressure check and to review my thyroid meds.

She comes bouncing in...all smiles, she is like that every time I see her. I wanted to smile back, I wanted to tell her I was headache free, I wanted to be wearing my scrubs which would mean I was back at work! But, I sat there, my hands covering my eyes a was a very bright room. I wanted to lie to her, but I tried that with Dr. Belden and he saw right through it. Soo, when she asked how I was...I just mumbled the same. My BP was still up, but not as badly. 148/90, which is better than the past week of 190ish/98!

Then came the ahha moment question. Are you feeling depressed????? I looked up at her and my wheels started turning...she thinks I am depressed...then like an out of body experience, I saw how I must have looked when she came in. I looked depressed! If I said yes...she is going to give me more drugs, some kind of way! So I answered, No...not depressed, frustrated.

She started to ask something else, then stopped. I then asked her what was next. She said they needed to get me to a neurologist to see if he could stop the headaches. I really wasn't crazy about Dr. Benjamen, but he knows my recent history and it makes it easier not to have to go over everything again. So, next Thursday I go to see him. I see Belden on Tuesday. I hope...ohh my how I hope...and so does my bank account, that I will be back at work at some point next week.

Well, I started thinking about frustration and how for the last month at least, it has consumed me. So I looked it up in the dictionary...

frus·trate(frstrt)tr.v. frus·trat·ed, frus·trat·ing, frus·trates
To prevent from accomplishing a purpose or fulfilling a desire; thwart: To cause feelings of discouragement or bafflement in. To make ineffectual or invalid; nullify.

Wow...I am not going to let my life, my hopes, my dreams, my love, my family, my friends, my job, my heart be ineffectual or invalid! I have withdrawn from people. I haven't spent time with friends, I haven't called them, I have been FRUSTRATED! I cringe when people ask me how I am. I have to tell them, no big change! I hate that I can't get out with people..the sunlight kills me, but I do do it some...just because I don't want to let people down. I want to be back at work, but what if I get there and the headache gets worse...I won't be able to take a pill and lay down...sigh. It is all been so difficult. BUT, I will defeat this...with God's help!

When I was leaving church on Sunday, Doug our music director asked me... how I was feeling, if I was going to be a choir practice and if I was going to sing again. I said yes to him. I honestly didn't know if I was ever really going to sing a solo again or not. But SATAN will not win this. If his goal is to frustrate me...make me prevent me from accomplishing a purpose...HE WILL NOT MEET HIS GOAL!

I keep thinking back to that night. I didn't continue to sing by my own strength, there is no way I could have. God was the only One that got me through that song. I remember praying during the song, but I barely remember singing. How did those words come out? How did I pray different words than what I was singing? Why was my mind not so confused with the pounding, the visual changes, the pain, the nausea, the dizziness, the words of prayer and the words of the song? I have listened to the tape....I didn't miss a word. I remember the exact words I prayed...Lord, please get me through this song. That was the first prayer I prayed as the music started. I remember at some point, wanting to give up, wanting to turn to Doug and say.. I can't, But then... I saw Mike Lowder and a few others raise their hands and say amen... I prayed...God, please get me through this song, if I am blessing someone...please don't let me stop. So, what is so different now? Why can't I ask for that help right now? I was secure in His faithfulness that night, why not now? I can't be frustrated...that just won't do...I will not be ineffectual for Him! I refuse. I will refuse to use that word in association with my walk with God and my life. As my dear sweeeeeeeet momma said to me recently...."You get back up there and sing if it hairlips the devil". She is so hillbilly, *smiles* but I love her.

I can't...He can
I won't...He will
I fall...He picks me up
I stop...He encourages me to go on
I cry...He makes me smile
I fail...He succeeds
I turn away...He is always in my sight
I give up...He gives me hope
I go silent...He gives me song
I am weak...He IS my strength
I am frustrated...HE MAKES ME WHOLE!

I am no longer considering myself frustrated, I am heartened, encouraged, uplifted, TRIUMPHANT...VICTORIOUS! Through nothing I have done, but through Christ and His grace!

I am going to sing that song 'If You want me to' soon. I have to pray for the courage, not fear of singing it really...fear of that moment happening again. Satan is counting on that fear...but he is gonna be the the one frustrated!! NULLIFIED!

WOOOOO HOOOO...It's gonna be a good day!

The Whisnants are probably my alltime favorite group... am listening to one of their CD's now...and they have a song...Even in the many of their songs have helped me so much through all of this...but this one is my Theme Song I think!!

Even In The Valley

High upon this mountain - the sun is shining bright
My heart is filled with gladness here above the cares of life
But I've just come through the valley of trouble, fear and pain
It was there I came to know my God enough to stand and say

CHORUS:Even in the valley - God is good
Even in the valley - He is faithful and true
He carries his children through - like He said he would
Even in the valley - God is good

The road of life has lead you to a valley of defeat
You wonder if the father has heard your desperate plea
But there is hope in the rugged place where tears of sorrow dwell
Can't you hear Him gently whispering "I am hear and all is well"

How could that song not just lift you up!! Greater Yes is one of my new favorites too...

It starts with a desire, planted deep within your heart
You pray in faith, and wait for God to move
Time passes and you wonder
Did He hear me when I called?
Should I even have prayed that prayer at all
You never pray a prayer, your Father will not answer
He can't ignore His child's earnest request
While you're waiting and believing
For what you thought was best
Trust God if He says no….. You're still Blessed
There must be a greater yes

There comes a time when child-like faith
Must graduate to trust
Trials come and you're convinced you're on your own
But the teacher's often silent
During the hardest test
But He'll answer when It's time with what is best

Sometimes God will answer - just like we prayed
Then other times what's on His mind
Is a better plan, a another way, a greater yes


  1. Hope~Lets take the word "frustration" out of our vocabulary. We can replace it with the word "DETERMINED". You are determined to fight through the headaches, through the heartaches, through the infertility. You are determined to amaze the doctors that tell you that you cannot be able to succeed in certain things.

    Love ya!

  2. I just love you Hope!! And I love your optimisim! I will shout from the mountain tops with you when you get there... and you will, someday.


  3. Scott1:26 PM

    I sometimes wonder if I have done all I can to help I think have a been a good husband? Have I done all she needs? And I know I am part of her frustration because I still even through all this believe God will provide us with a child! It would be oh so easy just to say "the hell with it" and join in the pity party but I can't, I must be strong for Hope even when my own strength is failing!

    I will never show it to her I will be her rock on earth as she leans on me, I lean that much more on God's shoulder because with out him I would be a bigger mess then Hope could ever think she is. I am not a normal guy in some respects, I have a very soft heart and to see her in pain and agony hits me right in the softest parts, I get up every morning and pray for her as I get ready for work and I wonder how long it will be before I can see the sparkle in her eyes return to their full shine. I love you so much Hope I may not always be everything you need from me but know that I am trying my best to be all you need in a husband.

  4. Scott~You are such a sweet man and it makes me sooo happy to know that Hope has such a wonderful person to help her through the rough patches. You both will succeed and you will be the best parents. If I could reach through the computer right now and hug you I would. ((((BIG HUGS))))

    Thank you!!!