June 7th...wow has it really been a month!?!?!?!

Sorry I haven't been updating here lately. Since that fateful day...things have been pretty ..ok extremely different.

As you know I am a member of a fertility site, I did post what happened after the fact, and will just copy and paste most of that. This was typed on the 10th.

I will try to give you all the details I can remember and what Scott has told me. Wednesday night, 6:00 I was fine! We had choir practice and I was cutting up laughing with the other altos. Then, 7:00 came and I still was fine. I walked up to the podium at about 7:10 during a prayer and I turned to face the audience and it felt like the top of my head was going to pop right off.

I have had migraines for years, but my worst one pales in comparison to this one.

I wanted to turn to the music director and tell him I couldn't sing, but the music started and I just prayed that the Lord would get me through it so I wouldn't be so embarrassed! I started to sing and I got dizzy, with every heart beat the audience would bounce. I grabbed the podium and midway through I almost stopped again. But, I saw people raising their hands and saying amen and wiping their eyes...and I thought God, if I am blessing someone, please let me finish this song. He answered that prayer. I don't remember singing the entire song, but Scott said I didn't miss a word...I didn't miss a note. I finished the song and I remember sitting down by Scott then telling him I was sick. I went to the bathroom and started vomiting to the extreme! A friend came to check on me and I asked her to get Scott that I needed to go home. He came got me and walked me to the car. I remember getting home and vomiting even more..(sorry too much info), and changing my clothes. Then I laid on the couch and from then until almost 2 the next morning is black to me. Scott said he would yell at me and I wouldn't respond, friends came over and they couldn't get me to respond either.

Scott took me to the ER, he said that by that time I couldn't even walk or move on my own. He said I was still dry heaving and crying out in pain, but I wasn't lucid at all. They took me in for a CT of the brain, and when they got the results back they told Scott I had had a stroke!! He said he broke down crying trying to figure out how to tell me when I woke up, and trying to figure how to tell friends and family. At 12 pm they finally gave me something for pain, they said until the results of the CT came back they couldn't give me anything strong...so when they did it really started easing the pain and I started waking up. It was about 130 in the morning when I started coming around and Doug, our choir director was there. Scott told me what the doctor said and I said...he was CRAZY! I am 37...37 year olds don't have strokes.

Doug felt bad, thought him 'making me sing had something to do with it. I tried to reassure him it didn't and I remember him leaving. I went to sleep and when I woke up the next morning, my regular doctor came in and we talked a while. He said I had had a stroke and that he was sending me down for an MRI of the brain to see the extent and would be sending a neurologist down to see me. The neurologist came in and said, I had had a stroke, but not on Wednesday. He said it was old and probably happened during a bad migraine. He was concerned that I had had a stroke in the past but was more concerned at what was going on now. He sent me down for a spinal tap...which went HORRIBLY! It usually takes about 30 minutes, I was there for over 2 hours and one doctor gave up and called another doctor in! They went in 10 times...and finally got it. They said I was really dehydrated was why they had such a hard time. It came back clear, which was a big sigh. He came back and told me that he thinks this was a Complex Migraine....I was like this wasn't anything like my migraines! He said a complex/complicated migraine which he said it acts like a stroke in many ways, it attacks your brain neurologically along with pain and causes you to have stroke like symptoms.

I still have the headache, but nothing like it was. I am still nauseated and dry heaving some, but not as badly. I went against his advice and came home today...I just feel like I would do better home with my bed and my parents taking care of me..along with Scott of course. I go to see him on Tuesday and if there is still a headache he is going to do another MRI just to make sure there is nothing changing. He also said this could be something Viral, but he hopes that after a few days all my symptoms will be gone. I am praying so. He has started me on a blood thinner and I have to have follow up CT's for the next 2 years. He also said that I have to be more diligent in my meds, my diet and my exercise regimen. I told him I had been doing good, had lost almost 20 pounds and he said that I needed to keep it up.

Well, that was the long and short of that! But today...a month later, still headaches. Sometimes VERY intense. He has told me that we can't try for a baby for 6 months. He still thinks it was possibly a stroke and is treating me as such. He has changed all my meds back to ones I can't take while trying to get pregnant. This was all pretty devastating..more than the episode itself. Especially in light of Cara being pregnant. I really went through a rough week trying to come to terms with why God would give someone who wasn't married, still a child herself a blessing of a child...and then, Scott and I...have spent so much money, seen so many doctors, cried so many tears and prayed so many prayers...and our arms are still empty. I was so angry...not at Cara, at God! I said some pretty bad things to him last week! But, got an email from a friend...Kari is her name, and she flipped the light in my heart and I am starting to accept things and pray for a healthy 9 months for Cara, I do love her so much...just the pain right now of it all is greater than any other feeling I have. People that have not had issues having a child, I know they won't understand that. I thank God for those that can EMPATHIZE with me, not only sympathize!

This is part of a post I posted after finding out of Cara's pregnancy...

My mother said...don't get upset, this is God's choice and there is a reason...so I guess that means it is HIS choice to keep me childless. Why should I be faithful to a God who seems to choose to make me miserable in this part of my life. I am at such a cross road and I don't know what to do. I haven't told Scott, no use upsetting him at work. You know, I have been so sure of God and his plan...and that whatever happens happens, it is His will and I was ok with it. In one instant, I just don't know. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I have cried and cleaned and finally can type. I cleaned my bathroom and threw out every preg test, every ovulation kit...not just threw them away, I opened them up and dipped them in toilet water just so I wouldn't go take them out of the trash. I BROKE the digital BBT. I just cant tell you how angry I am, how hurt I am..not at her...but at My all powerful God! I am angry that they chose to tell me right now. I just had a stroke and my stress level is supposed to be NIL. But her mom called with the big news, all happy and not ONCE did she say I know this must hurt you...not ONCE considering my feelings...and they know all that Scott and I have been thru. All the money, all the time and doctors and all the tears. I called my mother and she was all you got to have faith, God will give you your child....it has been nearly 14 years we have tried!!! I am freaking 37 years old...if it was going to happen, it should have happened. How can I trust in something so blindly. UGH...sorry I am just rambling.

As you can see...I was so hurt and so angry. I debated if I should post this here or not. I am not mad at Cara or Lisa, I hope they don't feel that. I just wanted to express how I was feeling, and how even when you feel that your faith is strong as can be...it can crack and shatter in a split second! I am thankful for the grace He gives to put the pieces back together again.

This was the email I got from Kari:

Friend~ I am so sad that things are so terribly tough for you right now, and I am so sad about the way you are feeling. I cannot say how I would react to the news that you had received, but I would hope that I would never turn my back on God. If you turn away from him, who will you cling to in all of your times of need that are in the future? Who will always be there day and night to shoulder your struggles with you? Who has all of the answers? Who holds the key to your future? There is only One and He loves you so much Hope! I can understand that you are hurting, I can understand that you would question WHY, but you just cannot turn away from the God you have always known and loved. You can be mad at him, you can scream, you can yell, you can ask him why, you can question his plan, you can tell him how angry you are, but you can never ever stop believing. Talk to Him Hope, say whatever you want, he can handle it, but just don't stop talking to Him.

Jeremia 29:11~ For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for to give you hope and a future.

It is so hard to see the plans that he has for us when we are in the valley, but he does have plans for you Hope. He can see where are lives are 5 years from now, 10 years from now, and the things he does for us today build that future. I have been at the lowest of lows and the highest of highs, and I know that there is a lesson in all of this that you will learn and you will look back at this time and you will understand. My heart is hurting for you. I will pray withour ceasing for you. Know that if you need someone you can e-mail, PM or I will give you my # and we will talk like real people . I know you are a "musical being" and music talks to your heart like it talks to mine. The first song I ever sang by myself for special music was "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens. I sang it at a time that was very very hard for my family and it spoke to my heart so much. I look back now, four years since then and I know what God was doing. I am going to sing that song for you in the hopes that you will find some comfort.
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why
You brought me here

But just because You love me
the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan,I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see
You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley If You want me toYes,
I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

You say: "It's impossible"God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired"God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me"God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 3:34)
You say: "I can't go on"God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: "I can't figure things out"God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)
You say: "I can't do it"God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able"God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it" God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28)
You say: "I can't forgive myself"God says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage"God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid"God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)
You say: "I don't have enough faith"God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)
You say: "I'm not smart enough"God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone"God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

You posted that just a week ago. Don't give up Hope. I will be praying for you and thinking of you. Don't be a stranger, keep us posted on how you are.

I got this, and was so ashamed that I had given up on Him. I still don't know His plan, I am still hurting, but...everyday my heart softens and I am accepting things and putting them at the foot of the cross. Here was my reply...

After my 'breakdown' I clammed up. I wouldn't talk to Scott, I wouldn't cry about it...I just literally shut down.

Wednesday (6/28) morning I had a doctor's appointment. I went in and my blood pressure was out the roof...198/108. He freaked out on me really. He said he was changing my meds back to the not pregnant friendly ones and my TTC was going to be on hold for 6 months. I said fine. He said...you fought with me last time because this was something you wanted, how is it you just are ok with me delaying it?? I was still wearing my pity party hat, and I told him I gave up and won't ever try again to have a baby. He had a few choice words for me, but basically said I will try again but for now I have to get healthy. I am back to 3 BP pills a day, 2000mg of metformin for my diabetes, another pill for diabetes and a new drug called Byetta for diabetes..stupid shot I have to give myself twice a day!!! He yelled at me for trying to sneak back to work and that since I am still having headaches that I have to have another brain scan on this Wednesday. I constantly have one, (headache, not brain...I think that comes and goes) but if I walk and my heart rate goes up, or I get stressed out or excited...it starts POUNDING like crazy.

He is worried about a clot or something in my brain...or an aneurysm. BLAH BLAH BLAH...lol, at least that was how I felt that day. I really didn't care if all of this was something really bad or not! I didn't care what was wrong, give me some drugs to numb the pain and numb life in general. I asked him if he was going to pay my house payment and car payments and he said if I go back to work and something happens...I wouldn't have a car/house payment anyways. Smart ass doctor. Sooo I am still out of work. At least until this Wednesday...I see the nurse for BP check and such, I may get to go back PT if NO headache and my BP is good. If not, I see him again next wednesday. GROWL

I was determined not to go to church Wednesday night and up until about 30 minutes before choir practice, I still wasn't going. Then...I don't know what happened, well I guess I do...but, I got in the car and drove on to church. We get through with practice and I come out and there sat my dad and Scott. The service started, Amazing Grace was sung first, then a song by the Whistnants...Even in the Valley God is Good. I am thinking...ok, whatever....My daddy must have called the pastor or something. Like, the pastor would cater the whole service to my needs. Then...he preaches on 2 Corinthians 12:9...how God's grace is sufficient...ALL the time. I am angry, I am thinking...it wasn't so sufficient when I got a call from my SIL. But, I could feel my heart softening and my head trying to wrap around all that has happened. We pray and dismiss...well, they pray...I am still angry and closed off.

Then, a woman I have barely spoke to came up to me and asked how I was since the song incident. I was a little curt really and said fine, I am just fine. She looked at me and said no your not, but you will be. I looked at her ... and was weirded out. Then she just said she enjoyed my song and was blessed by it and that things would be ok, that God gives us valleys and trials sometimes but they will make us stronger and when I am standing back up on my mountain this valley will not seem so tragic. My emotions ranged from wanting to hug her, to wanting to slap her...lol. So, I just smiled and said thank you and walked away. She rang in my ears, I spend most of Thursday alone. I got really sick from the med changes I think. So I took phenergan and tylox and slept the day away.

Friday, I woke up and it was a new day. I cleaned house, I went to the grocery and other than that freakin headache, I was feeling better. Saturday came and I had no intentions of getting on here, but sometimes habit just kicks in. I had a private message from someone who always says just what I need to hear, just when I need to hear it! She posted a lot, but this song....got me where it counted. I was headed right in to my favorite post (HERE..duh) but got hung up on this message. The gates opened, I bawled like a baby, I cried out to my God who I thought had forsaken me..(drama queen I know!). He was still there, even after all of the HORRIBLE things I have said to him this past week. Sunday morning...pastor preached on the Prodigal son!! How fitting was that.

Every day...I let go of a little more anger, a little more of the self pity and a little more of the sadness. No matter what I said in that post, which I am dying to go back and edit..lol, I have faith HE will get me through all of this. Sigh....sorry it took all the middle stuff to get to this paragraph...but...I AM OK!

And well, that is where I am today. Trying to handle things. Trying to just leave it at the cross. It's hard. The pastor preached last night that we can take things to God all day, but sometimes we think we can do it better, quicker and we get in His way! We keep Him from blessing us.

Well, it has taken me all day to post this in between phone calls and a few other distractions.

Misti...if you read this..I got your call, I was at church. I love you so much and will call you back soon. Other than type, I just can't find the words to talk to people about most of what has happened. Even with Scott. You just don't know how much the message meant to me. I love you so much!!

OK...gotta clean house before mom and Lisa and Brad gets here!

Hope