Saturday, December 30, 2006

2006...what a year!

January of last year...I turned 37, my best friends had their beautiful son Colin.
February we celebrate our 16th year of marriage...I am so blessed!!
March is our one year anniversary at the church :) I met and fell in love with the Divas!!!
June...June 7th I went to church to sing a song and the night ended with me in the hospital. Most of June is a blur.
September I was allowed to go back to work and realized how my being sick had really changed our lives. Our finances were beyond drained, emotionally and physically everything had worn Scott out. Seeing our fertility doctor, he insisted we wait at least 6 months before trying to have a child again due to the health issues. My back started bothering me just seemed like one thing after another and this month is when it all came to a head. We gave up our house, car and life at Myrtle Beach. We chose to make some changes and that our wants had been quite a bit ambitious. We started realizing family and home was something we missed.
October Chris moves home to NC and we started packing and moving stuff to NC.
November...Thanksgiving with our families...really cinches our desire to move home. We see our nieces and nephews and realize how much we are missing out on. We also decide not to spend any more money or time on fertility treatments and start the adoption journey. We decided we will start with Foster care.
December we spend time in hotels and also with our friends Burt and Leslie and Colin. I can't tell you how wonderful it was staying there. It was wonderful to spend time with them, but I felt so blessed to be a part of their every day lives. Putting Colin to bed with a silly song was my favorite, I teared up nearly every time. To hear Leslie reading to him as she put him down for naps, watching his eyes light up every time he got near the Christmas tree and the dancing nutcrakcers. To hear him squeal with excitement when his daddy walked through the door. To snuggle him and play with him and try to get him to say my name instead of DADADADADA...grr. He is infectious, precious, mesmerizing and sooo darn cute. I am so blessed by him and his parents. I miss them so much already :(.

But I know that things happen for a reason, there is that saying If God brings you too it, He will bring you through it. I do feel we are on the way out of the sickness and sadness, being with family these last two weeks has made me realize this is really where God wants us to be. God sent us to Myrtle Beach I know it. Our first independently chosen church...well, I am sure we didn't chose it really...God sent us there. But it was where we needed to be to dig our heels into our walk with God, we took off the roller skates and stopped skating along behind my parents and the church they were at. My parents were apprehensive about our church, it was opposite from theirs...they thought. It may be 10 times bigger (literally) than their church, but it is homey and personal and you don't feel lost in it. The pastor is phenomenal, he touched our hearts and lives immediately. Our second clue that this was our church. Our first was so random. We were supposed to go to another church that first Sunday, but they were having homecoming dinner and being a PK (preachers kid) I knew the M-O. They would insist on us staying and probably the preachers wife cooked enough for an army like my mom would...just in case there were visitors. SOooo we went to the next closest church. They were in the old building then, we walked in and they had some special music...and who do you think was there?? The Whisnants from our home town, I had listened to them since I was a teen. The church was having Jubilee. We knew from that service and how great everyone was that this was our church. We moved home shortly after that though, Daddy had his heart attack and it was necessary I think, but within 9 months we were moving back to Myrtle Beach. We went right back to Grand Strand Baptist and joined shortly after that. Doug Smith the choir director and his wife have been so wonderful to us, Julie my fellow alto and I buddied up right away...she has a great voice. Bill Suillivan and his wife Becky were our Sunday School teachers and they couldn't have been sweeter or a bigger blessing to us. They are best friends and husband and wife, they are not ashamed of their love for each other. THEN....we met and became friends with Burt and Leslie...our first lunch outing...Cracker Barrel....I felt we just fit from the get go. Anyways...I know this church is more high tech, larger, they do things on a grander scale, missionaries are a big part...but all of this is for God's glory. This church is Biblical, they follow God's word and He is in every service. It is hard to explain, but this church, pastor, friends, music director, Sunday school...the Spirit in this church brought Scott and I back to where we should be...not that we were doping, stealing, drinking, horrible people...but we weren't walking the walk.

SOooo...Tomorrow even though it is the last day of the year...a big beginning is happening tomorrow. My baby boy nephew who called me opie til he was .... heck he still does sometimes. My nephew who is always there when I need him, who hugs me and tells me he loves me, who loves Scott so much, who spent last night with sweet baby...ok not a baby anymore. He is getting married tomorrow. I had already planned to go back to Myrtle beach for a party with our Sunday School...but looking at him last night, and looking at the invitation...I can't, I just can't miss this wedding. He was in my wedding, he was my ring bearer. In his little grey tux. I will have to post a pic of that. Tomorrow he will be in his own tux, walking down the aisle to marry his junior/high school sweetheart Marquita. He loves her so much, and he had a lot to overcome and if he didn't really love her...he could have just let the relationship end. Marquita is black. I think I was one of the first...if not the first to know he was dating her. Little family is from the foothills/mountains of NC. My father is a typical old timey southern Baptist preacher. Dating outside ones race was not appropriate and when Bradley started telling people/family...the reactions were pretty narrow...and I admit, I wasn't sure, was one of those saying "This isn't right in God's eyes", though I had nothing to back it up with...just repeating what others I trusted said. I know some family, including myself gave Brad a hard time. Then, I started reading and searching the Bible about it. I couldn't find anything. I found where it said...not equally yoked...but with unbelievers...Brad and Marquita are Christians, they both are believers. I read where Moses wife was of another race, and Aaron and Miriam were punished for talking bad about their marriage. I probably should have been more vocal about my acceptance, but my family can be very difficult. Then, it almost seems overnight his parents, my parents, most of our family have accepted it and welcomed her with open arms. This was several years ago and has made Brad so happy and I think has made their relationship better. There are a few aunts and uncles and such that won't accept it, won't come to the wedding or showers, but that is their loss and opinions. I just pray they will accept it and not lose time with our precious Bradley! Marquita...Kita he calls her, treats Brad so good. I haven't spent much time with them, but plan on it while they are at the beach. I can't wait to surprise him tomorrow showing up at his wedding. Hmm what to wear???? The color is red and black. I can't wait to get to know her better, but I love her already....for loving my Brad so much and making him so happy. sniffffles.

Ok, I know this post was way crazy and all over the place. I haven't posted much lately....been in a funk. My back was out through the holidays, my pity party about not having a child always hits at Christmas. I want to have traditions with my baby and watch Scott creating such a wild imagination and sense of wonder in our child. I want to see our child go crazy at his grandparents and want to see their faces when the get that one thing they really really wanted...and ohh to wrap all the presents for him or her...or both :). It really is an empty place in my heart at Christmas. I hate that I don't enjoy the holidays like I used to. I pray that God puts that back in my heart soon.

Being with my family and seeing all their joys has made it easier....I hope next Christmas 'something' will be different.

OK...I have wrote a lot...will get up and get some things done.

Thursday, December 07, 2006 HE did it!

Last night, I sang....Scott kept asking what his surprise was, I told him he would have to wait. Then I didn't even look back at him as the choir director called my name to come up and sing a song. Once I started singing...I looked back at him and he was all smiles.

Doug handed me the microphone and I turned to face the audience and .... NO headache, the audience wasn't bouncing to my heart beat, I could hear the music...YAY! I wasn't nervous...but I could hear my voice shaking...I think it was because I was so excited to be singing and not about to pass out. As I was walking back to my seat...the Pastor you feel? I said...I am not passing out or stroking out!! I did have a bit of a headache as I sat down, but nothing compared to that night and I was not giving in to it. The pastor preached on Rainbows...they are God's promise. He said something that really popped with me. He you see rainbows during the storm? Do you see them before the storm? Noooooo just after the storm. We always have a time of prayer requests and praises after the service on Wednesday nights, and I couldn't hold it in...I raised my hand and tearfully told the pastor and the church that I found my rainbow and how the devil had been fighting me and my desire to sing, and tonight...he lost that battle! AMEN!

I did have a rough night after we got home. It started about 12.... I woke up with bad acid reflux...I ran to get some water and started throwing up....which brought on a bad headache....which brought on more nausea and vomiting. SORRRY TOOO MUCH INFO. I hated to call in, but I had to. So today I stayed in bed with a cool cloth and drawn curtains. I still don't feel good at all, but tomorrow is my official last day and I really want to be there.

I do hate leaving my job, my favorite patients, my friends I have made there. I have great bosses and friends there, but it is time to go home. I miss Mr. Loup something fierce. He really held the lab together, he was such a wonderful man and boss. I am going to miss everyone so much, but I will come visit and call.

Well, I just wanted to update my performance and ask for some prayers...for my health, finances and our move home.

Ohh and we will be staying with Burt and Leslie. I am so excited, it will be so much fun. I hope they know how much we love and appreciate them....oooo gonna miss them so much.

It is so hard to look at Bill and Becky...our Sunday school teachers. They are so wonderful and I will miss them too. I feel like I am letting them down somehow...I hope they don't think that. I really feel this is what the Lord wants us to do.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I live...

Yesterday, I was having this inner battle about singing again. I haven't sung a solo since June 7th happened. I was thinking about doing a Christmas-y song. Then this song came on the radio... I live is the name of it. I was like wow... it sooooooo relates to my situation and how I feel about singing. I have been so scared of it happening again..and I know that is the devil putting those fears there. So I get to work and tried to find the song online, they didn't announce the name or the singer so I was looking for the totally wrong song. Couldn't find it. I put a Christmas sound track in and was considering it...and at the end of sound tracks they have...what's new in sound tracks. Guess what song was there????? So, I really know it was meant to be, went by the book store that has sound tracks....and there it was. Sooo I called Doug our choir director and told him...I gotta sing. 1 - I know God wants me to and He deserves my praise...2 - The devil is not winning this! Sooo tonight I will sing. Scott doesn't know! I am a little nervous but really am at peace with it. So ya'll pray for me!

I say so a lot huh?? Ha ha. Here are the lyrics to that song...

Move in me, as You must
Breathe Your life into this dust.
Mold my heart to Your will
Shape this shapeless form until.

I live to sing Your praise
Like a lullaby, like Amazing Grace.
I live to sing Your praise
'Til my days are done And I see Your face.

Mysteries I may not know
Until I kneel before Your throne.
And lift my eyes to take You in
I long for this, but until then.

I honestly was doing fine until I just tried to think of something to say before I started the song. Then my eyes welled up, my heart started pounding. I am ok now, but I guess I should just sing and not push it with saying something. Praying hard for it to go smoothly. I used to doubt that I sang well, I really thought...well, the devil made me think...that I wasn't good enough to sing for God...I can harmonize with someone, but not do solos. I really hated the thought to do it. But God sent people into my life that tell me otherwise. My family really never said much about me singing growing up, I stood in the shadow of my mother and Todd and Johnny. They really do have the talent. But, I have matured in this area a bit...and I am not bragging at all. I hope it doesn't seem that way...whatever talent I have...God gave it to me and I shouldn't leave it unused! is the plan for us!

I turned my notice in last week, so Friday is my last day. I have a dentist and doctor appointments next Monday and Tuesday I am leaving Myrtle Beach for HOME. We just decided that Scott will stay at least until Friday...possibly until Tuesday of the following week. Financially it will be better if I go Salary barely pays for the hotel. Soooo I am going home to get things situated and surprise him with some Christmas decos. Our Christmas will be very slim. We have always went overboard for family and each other, but this year only the kids in our life will get gifts...them and 2 very special friends that I love so much and can't imagine how I - WE could have made it through all the last 5 months without them. Scott has been a little down about our finances and that we weren't home, I hope me decorating the house will make him a little happier.

I had a little meltdown last week and he came in and lay beside me and we both just held each other tight and cried and talked. He makes me realize that things are long as we have each other...and Christ. Everything is faceable as long as we do it together!

So...I LIVE!