Sunday, May 09, 2010

Last mother's day...

I thought it was the last mother's day that my arms would be empty. I thought it was the first of many happy and full 0f mommy's and ... well, full. (last year's post on this day.. ) He should be here.

My bed was full of babies last night - real ones and the one in my heart, Chirsten and Caleb spent the night. The occasional kick in the head or stomach wasn't what kept me awake and just staring at them. Touching their faces. Crying. Wishing.

I got up and went and sat by the pool, chilly at 6 am this morning but quiet.

I can't do this day today. I thought I could. I was so busy yesterday with photo's and family. Then the quiet came, let in the sadness of what has surrounded this day for years and here I sit. Of course, the first place I come to is this blog which I have avoided at all costs. But, reading back all the pain of infertility and Isaac is here. Then for a brief interlude...there was the hope of Isaac.


On another note, I am sorry I dropped off the face of the earth. Sometimes ignoring it all will make it seem less tangible. Then days like this happen. My facebook full of Happy Mother's days. Full of people sending me mother's day flowers?!? (on FB)

I want to start a new blog, one that is happy and full of rainbows and puppies. But all this is real. It has been a diary of sorts for a long time. Not sure what to do but I met some women who prayed me through all of this. (well, not met in person but...I sure felt like it at times)

Thank you Jill for thinking about me, I got your message this morning...meant so much.

Happy (insert here what you will) Day!