Sunday, May 10, 2009


Sometimes words just can't express love, beauty, peace and contentment. So WOW will have to do I guess.

For at least 18 years now, Mother's day has marked a day of exclusion for me. It was a day that I dreaded. I tried to feign sickness or convenient trip. I rarely made it through the church service. If I did, I was usually drained for the rest of the day, unable to even work up any excitement to celebrate the two most important mothers in my life.

Today was different.

I looked forward to going to the service, to spend the day with my mom. And really, my first thought was not that Isaac is within reach - I guess this whole situation has released that pain, has healed it really.

Since learning of Rebecca and Isaac, I have tried to avoid my pain medications - I just don't want to miss a moment of this. I have smiled more, have lived more, have planned more than I have in a very long time. I have thought about getting out of the house to spend time with family and friends, I cherish ever moment even more with Scott. This feeling is amazing and I don't want to let it go even for a second.

The majority of people that I have told about this blessing have been excited for us, but cautiously so. Usually the first thing said is - is this for sure, what are the risks. I don't blame them, I have asked the same. I love that they are thinking of our hearts and the ache that is a possibility. I tell them about the 72 hours after Isaac is born, Rebecca has every right to change her mind. We are not naive, we know the risks. But, if I was stuck on that - I wouldn't be able to enjoy this feeling, this journey. I have to put my faith in Him and even if tomorrow came and the journey ended, nothing could take away the happiness and hope we have enjoyed these last few weeks. This feeling that my son is a few months from being in my arms is worth the risk, the love I feel is worth the risk.

I haven't went out and bought everything imaginable for a nursery YET, but we will :). My sci fi loving husband wants to do a space ship nursery...haha. I think a primary color car/train/plane/truck theme would be awesome. I loved Burt and Leslie's nursery and it is along those lines. We will see I guess.

Anyway, today I went to my parents church. As always, flowers were made available for the mothers. They did it a little different; the mothers went up front to get their rose and I just didn't feel that I was ready for that. (HAHA, you will get my laughter in a minute). So I smiled, sat there enjoying watching my mother get hers. All had laughs when the oldest mother got her extra lil missed it by only 3 years. She used to get the most kid one, but I was her only babe there this Sunday.

I am always asked to sing when I go to their church, and usually I do without much prodding. But, I tried not to today. But, if you could see my moms sweet lil face, you would just give in too!! I had picked out a song - kinda random at first - but when I got up to sing it clicked as to why God and Scott selected this song. The Whisnants sing 'Is anything too hard for God?', and I was comfy with it, practiced it a few times. I get up there and tell him track 3 on the disc. I start singing and feel the emotion of it all catching up to me. I start the second verse and the words popped me in the heart. 'Only believe, trust His word you'll see. His plans are now unfolding, performing perfectly. It's clear how much He loves you, just look at all He's done...' and I was done. I can't remember ever choking up completely in a song - but today was the day.

I turned to the pastor and asked him to stop the music. I am not one to speak much publicly, I get so tongue tied. I turned to the congregation and started telling them the story, the beautiful amazing, miracle of a story about our winding road to Isaac. People were crying with me, people were saying amen. I don't remember all I said but ended it with NOTHING is too hard for my God.

I turned to give the mic to the pastor and walk back to my seat and my dad (who sits on the front row) stopped me. I thought he was gonna sing at first. Then he walked past me a little and grabbed a beautiful deep red rose from the basket. He looked out at the church and said today was his daughters first Mother's day. He hugged me and we cried and they he asked for the pastor and the church to pray over this rose and to pray for Scott, myself, Rebecca and Isaac. Boy did they pray. It will be one of the most beautiful memories of my daddy.

I took my rose today.

I sat down beside Scott, who had tear stains on his pretty blue shirt. I love him.

The sermon was about mothers of course. But, it was for me. He told us how we should tell our mother's how much we love them and appreciate them. Then he spoke on how God knew who our mothers would be before we were even born. *the kicker* That just because a woman gives birth to a child doesn't necessarily mean that is who God has chosen to be the babies mother. *sniffle* They prayed again for us before we left. Prayer changes things, God is still on the throne.

Beautiful day.

After church, my mother had a wonderful rest of her day. It has been years, due to sad circumstances, since my mother has had all her children together in her home. Today she cooked the best beef roast I have ever eaten...super moist and tender. Actually my daddy made it now that I think of it. She made a big ham too, both were done in a crock pot I think then put in the oven and the outsides were crispy - YUM DE DUM! Dad fussed said we should have taken her out to eat - which I offered. But, she wanted to have the family at home. And she did. It was wonderful, there was no tension that is usually felt. People talked and laughed. Children and a dog under foot the whole time. Chickens outside being silly and close to fighting...crazy chickens.

The whole family wasn't there as far as grand kids and spouses but mom had her boys and her girl. The only one missing was Mark. And he was there too. This day is hard on a mother who has lost a child...more so than one who doesn't have one I would expect.

When I left mom's I went and fell in love with a yard full of puppies. My brother's dog had 8....he refers to her now as the real octo mom haha. They are sickeningly cute! NO HOPE NO!

After getting home, I turned on the TV to just hear something mindlessly while I cleaned on my bedroom a little. It was a Christmas movie - Fred Claus. Scott came in at the end and watching it had us both bawling one of those ugly cries. Nothing bad, just believing that this will be our first Christmas as mom and dad. SIGH

Beautiful day.

The most comical part of it is I hope Scott doesn't read this. Little back history. Scott is not a golfer. He wants to golf, but it is a risky dangerous sport for him and I think he should try bungee jumping or race car driving ... something safer than Golf!

A few years ago, he went golfing with his brother Chris. Not knowing how dangerous this sport was, I didn't have him take out any extra insurance or write me a good by letter just in case. A few hours later he returns with his hands wrapped up and in obvious pain. He went to swing at the ball, on the tee and dug a 8 inch hole with the driver. He fractured both hands! Only Scott.

So tonight I am on the phone with Misti - a lovely almost 2 hour chat and I hear Scott huffing and puffing as he walks into the bedroom. Sounded like he had ran a marathon or something. I turn to look at him and there he stood with his t-shirt in one hand and in the other....a broken driver golf club. I was scared a little not knowing what happened...and here is how it went.

"gasp, gasp, sigh, gasp"

"Honey?? Are you ok??"

unable to speak Scott shakes his no head between gasping.

"What happened?"







ooo the thoughts that ran through my mind, an intruder, huge dog, Sabre tooth lion...I was really a little worried at this point.



"It was"



wait for it...



















I roll laughing, close to peein in my paints.

He then held up his hands like a foot apart saying it was that big...ohh goodness, I can't breathe.

There he stands with his t-shirt off and a broken big Bertha!! To kill this foot long mutant bee!! I asked how the living room was and he said ok, looking at me with a big grimace. He said it got him too and I was picturing a hunk out of his hand and it looked more like a mosquito bite. HAHA I can't stand it. SOO funny.

He is now worried that he is gonna turn into bumble bee man or something since it was mutant. I had to call his brother who laughed harder than I did. SO FUNNY! I will be buzzing in his ear for a week or more haha.

Ok, super sleepy...Happy Mother's Day ya'll.

Thanks for the prayers and support, I can't tell you how much it all means.

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Thursday, May 07, 2009

Happy Mother's Day to me :)

She called!!!

About 15 minutes ago. I was laying there with a cool cloth on my head - dang headache for some reason. The phone rang with my generic ring and I almost let it go to voice mail...but I didn't. I had Survivor on the TV and was freakin out to find the remote to turn it off.

She said that Sunday was so crazy with family that she had no time to call. She then left my number at her moms so she had no way really to call me.

But my packet finally got to her and my numbers and such were in it of course. She said she has read it like 20 times and it has kept her in such a great mood all day. She said that seeing that we love to fish was exciting...she loves to fish too. There were a lot of things she said that made her so happy.

She said she knows this is what she wants and that she hasn't changed her mind at all. She sounded so excited. She is calling me again on Saturday unless something happens.

Let's see there was something else....

hmmmwhat was it???

dobedobedooooooooooooooo hmm what could it be???

OOOHHhhh yeah I know...

Do you really want to know???

Should I make you wait???

noooo I am not that mean!!

or am I????

I can't wait to see a picture of our Isaac John Henry Lail...that is a mouthful huh? beautiful wonderful mouthful!

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Prayer changes things...

Yeah, it is really 3:43 am. I have been awake since 2:33 am. I took a pain pill so this is not the norm for me. I went to sleep fine, easy and Scott knows it is gonna be a good night when I can drift off to sleep right when he does basically.

Before I did fall to sleep...actually I think I fell asleep during - oops sorry God, I was praying. Praying for God to answer some financial issues, praying for Rebecca and hoping that she is doing fine and nothing is wrong. Since learning of her, the prospect of taking this journey has been emotional on all sorts of levels as I am sure you could imagine. But, one of the greatest concerns has been financial.

I haven't worked in over 2 years. Scott's current job is one of the lowest paying jobs he has had in his career...maybe the lowest. But, we have no doubt that this job was a gift from God and all gifts from God are good...can I get an amen? (This was the message Sunday morning)

But, we went from two really good salaries to one not so good salary. I won't go into details but just in doctor visits (not surgeries or procedures or RX's or tests...just visits) have put a major dent in our 'extra' monies each month. Last month alone I saw 4 different doctors spread out in 9 different visits.

So yeah - finances have become intense.

Where did I think that money for a home study, lawyer, travel, other expenses was gonna come from? I looked at our savings, which was looking pretty good for a while - and umm well, *blush* 2840....oops I missed a decimal...28.40. Sweet, I could use that to put gas in the car to get to the airport in Charlotte. SIGH

But, I have faith that God will make a way. I have to. Faith sustains me in so many ways. Without it I just couldn't handle this chronic pain. Without faith, this sad deep pain of infertility would devour me.

So, my mind slips off to dream land while I am whispering prayers to my ever present, all knowing, wonderful, graceful God around 1130ish. I wake up with tears streaming down my face, with my heart so full, my head about to explode to tell someone what I really feel God just opened my eyes to. I lay there for 20 minutes rubbing Scott's hand, playing with his hair, moving around and finally I whisper "I love you" and he says..."you gotta go pee?" I giggle no. (I have to get out on his side of the bed to go to the bathroom right now - long story)

Then he asked why was I shaking, and I told him that I just had this answer from God about our finances. I took my crap (cpap) mask off and said it again, and this time Scott sat up on his elbow to listen.

I didn't dream it, I woke up just knowing...and it really scared me that He can just do that.

I love photography (as I have bored you to tears with pics I am sure). I want to start a little business one day. Not as much for money but for the joy I get from taking pictures and seeing others love them when I show the shots to them. (though money is nice).

I woke up to knowing what I needed to do to make money for our adoption plans, to get my business off the ground and to feed that joy.

I am making fliers come tomorrow to give to friends, family, docs offices (should get something back from all the money I spend there) and where ever else I can think of.

25 dollars, I come to you and take your pictures - family, baby...whatever (weddings scare me though) and I put the best on a cd/dvd and give it to them to print or I have access to a professional printing company that will create packages for me.

I know I am not a professional photographer by any means, but I love it, I am told I have a good eye for it and God gives us things that we love and are good at for a reason and He gave me a reason at 230 this morning.

I have this thing about asking for money from people - even family. I just can't do it. I can do it if I am giving them something even better in return.

I asked Scott if I was crazy or if the pain pill has done a job on me and through tears of his own he said no. He thinks I am good at it. He has always encouraged me to go for it. I have been my worse critic.

He wanted to kick me out of the bed when I said I had to blog about it right now. But, he is snoring now so I know I am not keeping him awake.

So family, friends...expect to hear more over the next few days - yay.

Ok, now you can return to your regularly scheduled programming.

God is good all the time.

Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.

Jeremiah 33:3

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Tuesday, May 05, 2009


for the lack of an update....but it is a reflection of the lack of information I have.

She didn't call.

I know in her situation that things can happen, a variety of things that could keep her from calling. My greatest fear is after spending time with her family and her other two children she has changed her mind. If that is God's plan, what can I say. I just pray for some information either way.

DeAnn did say she was excited after talking to me Thursday and wanted to know if the baby would have my accent.

still praying...

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