Monday, December 21, 2009
As Christmas gets closer, my heart and mind drifts to the shoulda's. He is almost 3 months now. I remember Lyric at 3 months. *I thought I could type this out fully, but I can't. This shouldn't be so raw still, makes me angry at me for still feeling so much about it all. This really sucks!
Last friday night, Scott and I took mom and Sara out for dinner. As we were leaving mom tripped over some cement and fell and broker her shoulder. Fortunate it was a clean break so no surgery. Bad part is it will take 4-6 months to heal.
I brought her and dad to our house so she doesn't have to do much. She can't if she wanted to. She is in so much pain, but puts on a brave face for most everyone.
We no soon as got her settled that a blizzard hit NC. C R A Z Y! Snowed all day. 10ish inches. It is so beautiful. We rarely see this much in a year much less one day.
I will post some pictures when I am home on my computer. We are having Christmas dinner at our house since mom is down. I really am excited.
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas. Praying that everyone remembers our Savior is the reason for this season. Praying for all who have felt the sting of the economy, the sadness of loss or who's health is failing. Praying for those who have reach out to those who don't.
Merry Christmas from Scott and I!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I wanna crawl in a hole and wake up around February. I am about to put a ban on TV until Christmas is over. The commercials get me the most! The one where the husband gives his wife a gift while she feeds their baby. Celebrating their first family Christmas. SIGH!
I hate sounding like a sour puss all the time, I really am happy most of the time. But, I guess lately my blog has been where I dump those sad, dark, angry feelings.
Scott and I discussed surrogacy lately. The costs of in vitro are staggering. We can't see putting so much money into it and it isn't for sure. Kind of like adoption I guess. I thought it was safer financially and emotionally to do adoption instead of continuing fertility treatments or trying surrogacy with in vitro.
We asked someone to carry a baby for us, Scott's sperm and her egg. I knew the chances were slim and wasn't suprised when the answer was no. It hurt, but I can't be angry. I like to think I would do it for someone that I loved.
Tomorrow is thanksgiving. I am thankful. For family, friends and all the normal things. But, most of all I am thankful for His grace. For His faithfulness. For His love for me that covered my sins when He died on the cross. Thankful for His gift if salvation and for keeping me safe in the palm of His hand - noone can pluck me from it.
I am thankful for you too!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I needed to soak up the miracle of the ocean. It still takes my breath when I see it after being away for a while.
But even more than that, I needed my friends. They will never know what our time together meant. I wish I could bottle up the healing properties that their friendship gives me. I could use a dose today. The time was too short. No quick walk across the street to our house after dinner. Tears choked back until their house faded from sight. Then they rolled, both of us.
I loved playing and laughing with Colin. He has always been a huggy, loving boy. Jack Henry didn't really care I was there. He is all about his mom and dad. Well, not true!!! While I was chopped liver, Scott was obviously chocolate cake with sprinkles! He held out his sweet chubby hands for Scott, and Scott happily obliged! I thought it was a fluke, but it continued to the next day. So sweeet!
Scott will be such a great daddy. SIGH
But, we are home now. We are better. Still every day there is something that makes me miss what could have been. Silly Christmas commercials. I think about what to get family/friends kids and it just makes me sad.
I should have been showing off our miracle to my church and at the hospital while we were at the beach! I think I am ok and then I think of something like that. GRR
We have decided to foster while we wait for God to send us our child/ren. We have found a bigger house that would be perfect. God just has to make it all happen. The house has happened, and we move in on the 1st. 4 bedrooms, 3 baths and a great big fenced in yard with a play area and a pool. It is so exciting, scary but exciting.
I love him. Scott that is. I know I would never be able to handle these trials had God not sent me Scott. Sometimes when I think of all that I have been through...I feel guilty for complaining because I am so blessed with Scott. Some never find the love that we have, I have family and friends who haven't. I should be thankful for what I have and not complain...sigh.
We have our classes in January for foster care. Scott and I both believe this is a path we should be on. I know the potential for heartbreak is so real and very possible. I know that I will fall in love with every child we come in contact with. But, the prospect of showing a child so much love, Jesus and what family really means...if even for a little while makes the rest worth it.
As far as Rebecca goes...I haven't done anything else. I haven't investigated any more, I have tried my best to not even think about her. But, then a dark haired girl with a new baby walks in front of me at Target and I wonder...UGH! I know it can't be, but could it? She knows where I live. Makes me angry again for giving her my information, all of it.
I pray for him. Every day, several times a day. I ache for him all the time. I hope the ache eases soon. I keep thinking once the holidays pass it will be easier. Then my birthday...if we get past that...then it will be easier. I remember when my brother died, it took getting past all the firsts, and then the healing really began.
I am sorry I haven't posted lately, I stay with an elderly lady and have taken on more days in the last few weeks. I think it is partly due to the fact she has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember why I am sad or cry. I look into her eyes and there is no pity or hurt for us, she just sees the last 5 minutes.
I still go back and read all of the support I have gotten, that got me through the hardest time of this. I will never be able to repay all the kindness I have received. Thank you again.
Speaking of Sara, I better get off here and get ready...headed to her house in a few. I wish she had internet, but what would an 86 year old do with it. We barely have cellular signal there! In the boonies.
If I don't get on here before then...Happy Thanksgiving. No matter what I have so much to be thankful for.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
She said she was breathless while she read it, so was I. Being reminded that God was working good for me, brought me some peace. I lost sight of anything good.
We took a little ride (over 8 hours) on the Blue Ridge Parkway from Asheville to VA, and good started seeping in. Patchwork quilt of colors. There were beautiful views and up there on top of Mt. Mitchell I felt closer physically and spiritually to my sweet Savior.
We came home and things hadn't changed here, raining inside and out. Hard to believe God was in this place. Hurt everywhere.
Then, the prayers and words of comfort began to bring healing and peace. If you had asked me this time last week if I would be feeling any kind of healing and I would have adamantly said NO!! But, Gods time not my own.
Have I found forgiveness for her and what she did? NO! But, God says I have to. I was told by someone who knew her that she did have a baby, just a week later.
Another friend told me that maybe God brought me into his life to pray for him like a mother would for her son. And maybe He knew I would everyday, everyday.
I want to make her pay, I want to make her hurt like we have. I would really like to punch her in the face. I would LOVE to snatch every hair out of her head. That is my flesh talking.
All I can think about is him. My Isaac, who she calls Camdon. His little life will be so full of grief if she continues in the path she has chosen. I can't make it any worse. No matter what I do, he is not going to magically be handed over to Scott and I. Vengeance is His.
I have stopped praying for boils, I have started praying for her to find a different path - one that leads her to Jesus. He is the only way she will get peace and healing. I pray she loves him and Jacob and Mayson with a mothers heart. I pray she never has a desire to do drugs again. I pray that she never finds the strength to carry on such an evil thing for 6 months like she did with us. I pray God lays it on her heart to tell us the why's and the I'm sorries.
This devotion touched me and Scott. It gave me more breath than it took. While I don't know what is coming up the other side of the mountain, I know my God will mend Scott and I. We are stronger in our relationship than ever - I never knew we could love each other more.
Know that we are healing and it is because you lifted us up in prayer and He heard them.
"So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, 'On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided.'" Genesis 22:14 (NIV)
Have you ever been in a situation so desperate that it looked hopeless?Have you ever sat at the kitchen table wondering how you were going to pay the electric bill? Have you ever stood at a door that's been slammed in your face by an angry teenager and despaired at ever having a relationship with him again? Have you ever had your heart broken so deeply that you wondered if you would ever feel whole again?
Sadly, we live in a broken world where desperate situations happen every day. I know someone reading this devotion is wondering how she will make it through the day because her situation looks hopeless. If that is you, I encourage you to keep reading. I believe God has a message of hope for you today's message is found in the Bible, in the story of a man who was dealing with his own desperate situation.
His name was Abraham and he faced the greatest testing of his life. After longing for a son for many years, God finally gave Abraham a boy, whom he named Isaac. Abraham never imagined God would test his faith by asking him to sacrifice his son. But it happened t had to have been the darkest day of Abraham's life as he trudged up the mountain, with firewood strapped to his son's back.
Every step took Abraham closer to what he believed to be the sad ending of a hopeless situation – the death of his son. Yet in spite of his sorrow, Abraham trusted God. His heart wasn't soaring with joy. He wasn't dancing up the mountain. But he put one foot in front of the other. Walking through the darkness of the situation; obeying His God's commands.
Unbeknownst to Abraham, something else was walking up that mountain. Quietly. Out of sight. On the other side of the mountain. Something else was putting one foot in front of the other. Only Abraham couldn't see it. For every step Abraham took, a ram on the other side of the mountain took a step .
All Abraham saw that day was his solitary journey of pain. As he got closer to the top of the mountain, his dread must have increased. I wonder if he asked himself any questions. I would have. I would have wondered why hadn't God intervened? Why hadn't God stopped this testing? Couldn't God see that Abraham was a man of faith? Why test him in this way?
But there was no answer. There was no voice from heaven. And so Abraham kept obeying his God's command. He put Isaac on an altar and prepared to sacrifice his one and only son. And just at that very moment, at the very last second, when it looked like the end had come, God spoke, stopping the sacrifice. Abraham looked up and there caught in the thicket was a ram. Abraham took his son off the altar, replaced him with the ram, and offered the sacrifice to God.
Abraham named that place "Yahweh-Yireh" or "The Lord Will Provide." And the story was written down for generations of God-followers to read. It was written so that you and I today would read it as we face our own hopeless situations. It was captured in print so that you and I would know that God is already planning for our provision. We don't see it. We don't hear it. But we can trust that our God is at work. On your behalf, and on mine. I choose to trust God today. A ram is on the way.
Dear Lord, You know how desperate I am today. You know that my faith has wavered. Although I want to trust You, I'm having trouble doing so. I ask for Your intervention in my situation, and for an increase of my faith while I wait. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Don't feel like you are wrong for mourning the loss of a baby that might not have ever existed. You loved him and now he is gone. That is a real loss.
A friend sent me this just a few minutes ago. I have been struggling with this. How to respond to some who think this is not a big deal and we should just move on. Some close friends, some family...I have just withdrawn from to a point; and not giving many the opportunity to love us through this, be there for us...just in case they are one of those who make this pain seem trivial.
I sent an email to my niece Misti, who has really been there for me and feels our pain.
Here is part of it...
I just wanted to say thanks for the calls. I don't know how to talk about it to family. Anyone really. For the most part, people have been supportive and understanding. But, there have been a few who have been a bit insensitive. A few people, who have not called, emailed, came by nothing. I don't know what hurts more.
Some I know think of this loss as a death. That is unequivocally how we feel. He should be 4 days old, laying in his daddy's arms. I should be exhausted from all that comes with being a new mom - not exhausted from tears and sadness. My phone should be exploding from all the pictures and messages and phone calls. He was real. No matter what Rebecca may have done, if she was really pregnant or not...Isaac was really in our hearts, our lives. He has a room, he has stuff, he was real. Maybe not in IL, but in NC he was real.
I don't know how to heal from it. I can't have a funeral. I can't go visit a grave.
I felt like a mom, everything in me was prepared. Heart, soul, body...every ounce of me screamed MOMMY! I pictured in my mind future things that a mommy would plan. His first Halloween. We ordered him a Superman costume. It was a surprise for Scott. Super hero freak he is - I knew he would love it. I planned for only mom and dad, John and Lena being here the day we came home from IL. I wanted them to be the first to hold, love on and spend time with their long awaited grand baby.
I had planned the dedication service down to the music. I wanted to have it at Gilboa, late afternoon with all sorts of candles. Yellow roses, lilies and babies breath filling the whole church with their sweet fragrance. Daddy already agreed to dedicate him to God. John was going to say a prayer and mom was going to sing Consider the Lilies. I wanted to come back here, to his home and have all our families come and eat and share in our new life. I pictured the church so pretty with all our family there. No division for a few hours, just all our families loving our son. Their grandson, nephew, cousin...and now all I picture is this blackness. Emptiness.
I am clueless how to be. How to respond to people who have the mind frame that he wasn't real, I should just get over it. The 'well, at least you didn't get all the way up there. The God has a plan ones get me too. I know He has a plan, I know that He has something in store for us. I just am not to that place where I can accept that Isaac wasn't our plan. For 6 months he was.
We have to get our lives back to some resemblance of normalcy. But, we are not there. My friends who have experienced miscarriages have told me it doesn't happen overnight. They tell me it takes some form of closure which I hope to get. I need to know if she was ever pregnant. I want to know the whys and hows, but I NEED to know if he was ever part of this world. I am not sure how we are going to find out for sure, but I have been sleuthing, my friends have been searching and somehow we will find out.
But, right now I am still in the hurting/grieving stage. Anger hasn't taken over yet. Don't get me wrong, anger is here and is ugly...but, I will get out of this pit and get back to living.
We have this very real pain and having trouble finding the how to book on dealing with it. Don't ask me to write it, I am sucking at dealing with it right now. I think I have permanent wrinkles in my butt from being in bed so much the last 2 days. The weather - I hope - is to blame for my back pain increasing substantially.
Thank you all so much for every positive, encouraging comment - not one negative one. I have gotten so many emails and so many texts that have made me feel somewhat validated to be grieving.
P.S. Burt, Leslie...I love you.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I love him Lord, a beautiful reminder of how much God loves me - to give me Scott. I don't deserve him.
I've refrained from Posting much about what has happened but maybe laying down my thoughts even on virtual paper will help.
Let me start by saying Hope is my everything and first and foremost I hurt for her. Beautiful words right? then that selfish side of everyone gets me and I feel bad for me, I saw myself as a father finally holding my son in my arms, showing him how to work on cars, how to work on computers, passing my knowledge and love on to him. Now I look around and see a house in the midst of getting ready for that dream and know that dream has been destroyed.
My heart tries to rip from my chest every time I pass the door of the room that was to be Isaac's, I think of the things I wanted to say to him, things I wanted to do with him and the world spins and I have to hold to something to keep me steady mustn't show Hope that I am weak she needs me now more then ever! I must bury this hurt and focus on her I must drown her sorrows in my love so that her hurt lessens, there will be time later for me to work on my pain I'm a man after all, we are strong right? Then how come I don't feel strong I feel like a small frighten child who has lost something that was so dear to him, pain wells again must fight back the tears of despair, I refuse to add to Hope's misery by showing how much I hurt.
How can a person be so evil? Rebecca was I thought an angel sent from God to deliver onto us the child we have so desperately wanted and tried to have for the last 20 years, instead she has transformed in to a demon, a creature of pure evil who would dangle the precious form of our hopes and dreams in front of us and as we reach for it snatch it away laughing that flame spewing laugh like you see in some bad horror movie. I want to be that gallant white knight who rides in to save the poor people being terrorized, but what happens when its the white knight that is being terrorized by the beast, who saves him?
Life seems so dim and dark right now, the only brightness being my wife and Gods love. Isaac was/is my son, but Isaac is no more, if he ever was, we still are not sure about that one, God gives you only as much as you can bear right? Then how come I fear I can't bear this? Can you have a funeral for a dream? Or does that dream die and resurrect into a nightmare that stalks you forever?
I promised Hope that we will get through this together and I keep my promises but it doesn't stop the hurt and pain in her or in me, it merely helps her to cope with it, I have yet to get to the coping stage its more of the find a deep hole in my soul and bury it stage, did I mention that the deep hole was already there? Rebecca dug it out for me in my heart.
I pray I can cope as well as Hope. She calls me her rock but what she doesn't realize is she is my planet she puts my feet on solid ground and helps me stay rooted with out her I fear I would float off into space and never return to reality. I have vowed to God, to Hope, to everyone that this monstrous act would not stop us we will have a child and I promise to God and everyone who reads my drivel that he/she will be special and he/she will have as much of the goodness of the Lord as a human can have, enough I hope to out weight the evil that has been done to us.
Psalms 34:18 The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
I don't know if this rebecca is the same as the one quite a few have sent me pictures, info about. I am going to send a picture to my friends daughter who actually met her and see what she thinks. From the picture I have (side shot of her face with glasses - can't really tell much), it doesn't look the same - but it is so hard to tell. I remember when all the April Rose stuff was happening. That won't happen to me. Never - NEVER say NEVER!!
Scott and I had to get out of the house. Had to get away from all the gifts and his room and all the reminders of Isaac. Sunday we should have been on the way to IL. His bag was packed. His blanket from his grandmother was laying across his bag. We reluctantly went to a family pig picking (I consider Gary family). It was hard. Tears fell. The pig picking in the spring - Scott and I couldn't wait for the fall one hoping we would be home with our son. We sat with family, all their kids. It was hard. Thank God for big sun glasses. My brother Todd came and hugged me, he just let me cry. Lisa, my sister in law was so tender and loving. A lady, who was the secretary from my elementary school came and hugged me. A girl I went to school with at Salem was there. I hadn't seen her in years and years, but 4 days earlier I saw her at Fatz and we caught up some - me telling her all about our trip and God blessing us with a son. Her face quickly drained and like most, she didn't have much more to say but I am so sorry. Fortunately, the story got around so most didn't ask.
We went home, home to the place where we expected to hear him cry for his bottle, have his first laugh, say his first words. I sat there and the silence really was deafening. I thought I would go to bed early and the pain would just go away. Instead, I lay there thinking about Rebecca and trying to make truth out of her lies. Trying to figure out how I am wrong and she really is giving us Isaac. All of it ended with anger and tears.
I even text her at one point that we would be there. Knowing we wouldn't, but I wanted to put a little fear into her. This was in response to her asking me if I wanted her to send pictures after he was born on my phone! I said no, we would be there and you would have thought I zapped her with a tazer. She shot back a text so fast, telling me she needs to know for sure so she can put me on the list at the hospital or I wouldn't be able to see the baby or her. WHAT!?!?! I said FOR SURE! Put us on the list. Then I reminded her that the patient advocate had already told me she would have Scott and I a room if the L&D wasn't full. She said we would see. I told her that way we both could have quality time with Isaac. She then told me that I was being pushy!!!! That she hasn't signed anything yet and she could spend all the time she wanted with him - I think she was believing her own lies!! She never sent another text.
Monday morning I couldn't resist telling her it was cold in IL - that wasn't a lie! Nothing from her. So finally I sent her one that said I guess you know I know by now. Nothing. So after that, repeatedly through the day I sent her the theme song to Cops - "Bad boys, bad boys...whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you!" I did that a few times today too. Nothing in return.
Also Monday, we couldn't handle the house anymore and quickly packed a small bag and headed in the rain to Asheville to just hang out over night. As we were heading out, we stopped to pay the power bill. Scott handed her the bill and payment and she said, "Ohh so when is it ya'll are heading to get your baby?". Ahhhhhhhhhh So the trip was good. No one in the mountains knew us, knew we were crumbling inside. We ate good and went to the hotel. Us time rules.
Monday was one of those days where you know where you are, you recognize things around you but you just are a walking zombie of sorts. Monday he was supposed to be born! We thought by the evening we would be holding our son. Feeding him and loving on him. Sending a gazillion pictures to friends and family. Yet, here we stood in a strange city...empty.
When we woke up to head out Tuesday, the sun was out. It was warmer. The colors of the changing leaves just was amazing. This had to be a better day. We got on the Blue Ridge Parkway and drove for over 8 hours. Scott did about 4 and I did the rest. We ended up in Virginia. It was a great day. We got on interstate 77 heading towards Morganton and it hit me, then Scott. He is in our house, every corner. I can't go in there today. I can't go home. We are sleeping in a Wingate hotel right now on the outskirts of Charlotte. Tomorrow. Tomorrow we pack it all up and put most in a closet. I don't know how I can get through it. But, I know I have to. I can't ask someone else to do it, this is something we have to do on our own.
My mother in law and I were talking, I told her I couldn't name another child Isaac. See! I still feel like he was real, he was just as real as you or me. I have a picture in my mind what he was going to look like. He was my Isaac and I can't imagine having another son and naming him that. She said I might, but I won't. In some strange, horrific, heartbreaking way we lost our son. I can't explain it to her - to anyone really. He was there, in my heart, in my house, in my family. Now he is not. SIGH!
I can't sleep. All I think about is her and him.
Monday, I called the hospital all day asking for Rebecca L's room. No Rebecca of any name registered for L&D.
She reluctantly gave me her doctor's name. (yeah right) I had a friend who didn't sound quite as southern :) call the office and ask for my appointment time. The receptionist said I didn't have an appointment Monday. With any doctor in the practice. And from the way it sounded I hadn't had one recently. But, she had been there Monday...rolls eyes.
I called the office back later and asked for the office manager. I wanted them to know what she had done, and she had given their name as her doctor. The office manager was taken aback from the sound in her voice. She got Rebecca's information and mine. I told her I wanted her to know just in case this goes before a judge. Hopefully all of that went in her chart, she was a past patient there.
I emailed the patient advocate telling her the situation. I emailed Baymont Inn's (who were giving us a big discount and upgrade while we stayed) and thanked them and told them some of what had happened.
I will be calling DSS tomorrow, hoping her file gets flagged and if she is doing this to anyone else they can do something about it.
I am calling the Chicago Tri.bune and telling them the story, if nothing else I want a letter to the editor all about her in it. Also Aurora's newspaper.
I have also been given a list of neighbors. I just want to know if she is pregnant. I need to know if she is or was, for my heart and peace of mind.
I have to quit sending her Bad Boy's though, Scott thinks I have lost it. Bad Boys is better than some of what I want to say to her. I don't want her to know she has hurt me so much, I almost feel she will get some kick out of it. UGH
I still cry. Bawl sometimes. Scott hears something or I read him one of your comments and he will cry too. I wake up crying, reaching for him. When will this ease? I'll never forget, but surely it will get easier?
Jesus, forgive me the anger and need for vengeance. Forgive anything that might hinder this prayer. I need You. I can't do this alone. We can't do this alone. Thank you for Scott, for my families and friends. Thank you for every person who has came here to offer me prayer and support. It means so much to me and Scott. Heavenly Father, take this pain from our hearts. Fill it with peace and love. Rescue us from this pain before it consumes us. Take care of our families as they have to not only deal with the loss of Isaac, but how to handle our pain and sorrow. Bless all these wonderful people praying for us, all our friends. And God, please take care of Rebecca, heal her heart and mind. It isn't normal for someone to even think of such evilness, much less going through with it. If there is a baby, precious Jesus please take care of him. Let us sleep tonight and give us strength for tomorrow. Amen
Sunday, October 11, 2009
The last two days have been a blur. Thursday went from excitement, packing and worrying about what I might forget to confused, scared, doubting, numb.
Then Friday. Started early and hasn't ended it feels like. I think the oxygen levels in the air dropped immensely. I couldn't breathe very well from about 10 am ... well, still the air is thin.
Super detailed, long version was mailed to my family and friends. My brain says copy and paste, but I just don't want to put it all out there yet. Maybe if it isn't out there all the way it will somehow not be true.
In some sentences I guess it is a good word. The two hour wait to get seated is finally over. The boring season of Big Brother is over. But, this sentence...well, sucks. Isaac, our son is over.
There is like a .000000000000000000000009% it isn't, but that is the optimist in me. Who is slowly dying, when she flat lines I will let you know.
The low down, the punch line is this. Three possible summations to the woman who birthed a baby in my heart.
- Rebecca is a pathological liar. She wasn't pregnant, there is no baby and it all was some evil, sick, diabolical joke with Scott and I the butts.
- Rebecca is a pathological liar. She is pregnant about to have a baby but had no intentions of giving him to us. Maybe she is mentally disturbed, or maybe she thought when we got there that we would be so in love with the baby that anything she asked for we would give it to her.
- This is what I hope is the reason...she loves this baby so much that the closer it got the more she couldn't give him up. I could understand this, I could forgive this and move on. I wish she would have told me this sooner (even today she said in a text that she wanted us to have him). This unfortunately is not the most likely.
I was so overwhelmed with love for him, so relieved my arms were not going to be empty much longer that I let things that didn't fit slide. Little things here and there, my hope and trust and love for her made me ignore them and chalk them up to her being scattered or overwhelmed herself. Then she didn't meet me in IL. My antennas went up a bit, but still...all I could think of is what if. What if Isaac is in her belly, nothing would keep me from him not even my spidey senses.
Then, this week happened. Multiple lies, multiple excuses for things and then the HUGE admission she wouldn't sign her rights to us unless the father did first. This all just started all of a sudden. I asked her why the sudden change? She had always assured us...sometimes over stating how she knew the father (at one time 3 fathers...then 2, now 1) never wanted a child, wouldn't want him now and would sign no matter what. She wouldn't answer.
We called the lawyer and told him what she said, I assumed we could still get a risk placement and bring him home - NOPE! If no termination papers were signed by her, three things could happen. She has to take him home, DSS sends him to foster care or the father's family can petition for placement with them. Notice how we are not in those options.
After repeatedly asking for her to call, and her repeatedly giving me excuses she didn't call me. So I had to text her the above scenarios. She said oh, I know. I planned to take him home and keep him until Josh signed his rights away. GASP
One of our last texts was this...So you don't sign your rights to us, you take him home and bond with him and him with you for 30 or so days. You change your mind and keep him. Or, you don't sign your rights to us, you take him home and bond with him and him with you for 30 or so days. Josh won't sign his rights, so you won't and you keep him. Either way we walk away empty. She didn't respond.
There are numerous other things from this past week, all of these and the past things made the lawyer advise us that something was wrong and we shouldn't make the trip and we should call her bluff and inform her we were backing out. We asked him to talk to her, tell her the situation and let her know to communicate with him and only him.
We haven't communicated with her, she did text me at 7 am that she wanted us to take the baby, she was scared because Josh' family had been calling and she won't answer. Funny, how did they get her number...new phone since being out of rehab and he has been in prison and she said she hadn't talked to him since the night they had sex. Plus she told me Tuesday that Josh didn't know she was pregnant. I didn't respond per the lawyer, but I wanted to.
Needless to say, we are devastated. We cried so many tears that I feel a little dehydrated. So many emotions, anger, hurt, sadness, hopeless, embarrassed...I could go on and on. How does one prey on the hope and longing of an infertile couple who want a baby.
I know my girls in IL are so angry and hurt too, if they find her and she isn't pregnant...well, one way or another she will be in the hospital next week.
I can't pray for her. Not for good things, more like migraines, boils on her butt, sudden massive hair loss or a yeast infection that won't go away.
That .0000000000000000000000000000009% chance he is still ours keeps me from saying some pretty ugly things to her. UGH
I hurt for our parents who loved us through almost 20 years of longing, and then 6 months of waiting. Friends and other family are hurting too, it is bigger than just Scott and I.
I don't know if there really is a baby in Aurora IL, but there was one here. In our hearts and in so many other ways. It is like a death, I don't want to compare this to a miscarriage - I have friends who have lived through those and I can't imagine a live growing baby in the belly there one day and not the next. But, this is a death as well. He was in our hearts, implanted just as strongly as if he was in my belly. Scott loved him. He glowed when he said my son.
God's grace is sufficient. I want to feel Him wrapped around us. I long for Him to give us peace. It will come, I know He loves us and has a plan. Only He can get us through this, through family and friends and His presence. I need it. We need it.
Scott is..., I can't describe it. He has cried, he has crumbled, he is gasping for air as well. But, he has held me. He has let me hurt and cry and crumble in his capable arms. His warm, safe, loving, big arms hold me tight to him so I can hear his heart and I know that no matter the storm it beats for me. He is My best friend, (well, him and Leslie :) )my love and my safe place. I hope he feels the same about me.
We are going to go to the mountains to get away from all the baby stuff in the house, all the sad eyes. All the hurt and oh honey's. I love my family and friends, but we just need some down time...us time.
Please pray for her. Pray for
her to get boils on her butt> to get Jesus. Pray that she tells us what really has happened. Pray for my family and friends and all the hurt they are feeling eases. Pray for Scott and I to get to a point that this isn't as raw and painful as it is today.
I am so blessed to have called and talked to friends on Friday that helped me through so much. Even though they weren't right here to hold me or cry with me, they were here in other ways.
I don't know how soon I will post again, this place is full of Isaac. Full of hope and happiness. And, as beautiful as it was...it is now pieces of our lives laying at His feet and we now wait for Him to help us put them back together again.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I talk to Rebecca daily for most part now. Her birthday is tomorrow and I have a little something for her. Her two year old's birthday is this weekend and she is having him a party. We got him some Thomas the Trains.
She is doing good, she freaked me out a little when she texts me this...
Can you give me his exact spelling of his name - just in case.
I was like ohh goodness is she having contractions? Ohh my!! So I texts her back the full name and said is there something I should know haha? She texts me back that no, nothing was happening labor wise, but just in case something happened quick, she wanted to give them his name. ahhhh, my heart can beat again!
I have been sick for the past week, stomach flu along with all the stress of things has made it more intense than it was for most of my family who got it, spent 24 good hours with it and then poof. Well, I got it...it went, then it came back and then got worse! I needed a few days rest and it is gone, but I am weak as pond water. But, getting better :)
Things are getting so close, every minute seems to be ticking in my head now, in my heart. I feel like there is so much to do. But, I can't get stressed because I gotta keep my self together for the next few weeks.
As if things weren't crazy enough....
We knew that our commode had been leaking for a while. We knew the floor had to be taken up around it and new tile put down. Well, they took the commode up and the layer of tile that was down before we moved in...and the layer below that, and the layer below that. Well, the layer of plywood was wet and rotten. So my sweet father in law started taking it up, but there were another layer under it...and another. He took up three layers of rotted plywood and then fell through three more. The floor was so rotted that it didn't even scratch him when he fell through them. So 6 layers of plywood later, the joists and such were rotted too. They had to pull up flooring and sub flooring to the dirt basically.
So, they did all the flooring and thought they were done. We had a bright idea to remove the surround around the old iron tub. Umm yeah, that ended up worse than the floor! All the 2x4's in the walls were rotted from water. You could squeeze them and water would squirt out. Then we discovered the black and white mold. So ALL the walls, the tub, the rest of the floor and the window had to come out. What was a weekend project has turned into 3 weeks so far. Scott and John (my father in law) refuse to just hire someone to come do it and have been doing it a little at a time. The plan was to have it done when I got back from IL...umm, been back a week - no 2 almost now. Still at the in laws.
They promise this weekend or they will get someone to finish it. GRR
But, I have realized how strong our relationship is with our Scott's parents. We have enjoyed our time together and no one has complained too much. I miss my bed, as does Lena and John I am sure. We are sleeping in theirs. We love each other a lot, and I am so glad of that.
I am overwhelmed multiple times a day at how God has brought Isaac to us. I feel so unworthy of all He has given to me lately. The friends and family, who have helped us in ways that I could never repay.
I think about how just a year ago, my heart felt so empty...I wondered if God even heard my prayers. I had this set plan in my heart and head that I thought was what my future should be. He had other plans. He had Isaac. He had Rebecca. He had Jami. He had De and her daughter Bre. He had all of them, and set them into motion to bring His plan to my reality.
I think about Psalm 139: 16 how He knew me, knew everything about me before even one of my days came to be. That is overwhelming. That brings peace though, because I think about Jeremiah 29:11 and how He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us. We have free will, and while bad things happen, things that harm us...that isn't what God wants for us.
All I need is the faith the size of a mustard seed. Sometimes that is hard to even do. I am so weak. If I had to do it all on my own, I would fail even more than I do now. I don't say this to upset anyone...but I don't know how people who don't know Jesus as their Savior gets through any tragedy or difficult situation. I don't know what I would do without Him to lean on.
As every day passes, and Isaac is closer...I just want him to know how he got to me. I want him to know God had this planned long before I had my first day. Long before Scott had his. Scott and I have claimed I Samuel 1:11 and want Isaac to be given to serve God in whatever way He sees fit. I just lose my breath when I think of the testimony Isaac will have; and how he will grow and how God will use him. I feel so privileged to be the mother to this baby. TEARS!
I hope to do God and Isaac justice, they both deserve my best.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
When I got to the airport she texts me that her phone died while she was on the road and she didn't have my number anywhere else, and all the directions I gave her were in the phone. She was so upset, and honestly I was too. It all just seemed like so much in a short period of time...the doctors appointment change, the zoo...then this. But, after some much needed sleep it added up a lot better than when I was sitting in the airport running on fumes :)
It was hard to be so close to her and the baby and not see them, but I have faith everything is gonna be fine. This is God's plan and no amount of our input will change it. In less than 4 weeks he will be here, in our arms and that makes any pain, disappointment or lack of sleep worth it!
Monday, September 14, 2009
I woke up at 2:30 Thursday morning to fly out of Charlotte. Almost as soon as I got out of the shower I was vomiting...hmph! I thought it was nerves or maybe new dose of meds, but after getting home I discovered that most of my family on Scott's side has had a stomach bug! So I probably shared that with a zillion people given my extensive riding on public transportation that day! SORRY WORLD!
When I landed in Atlanta for my connecting flight it was raining, gloomy, dark...just not pretty. Then we took off and as I freaked a little because I couldn't see and if I couldn't see then umm pilots couldn't see, my breath was taken as we rose above the clouds and that dismal, dark sky gave way to the bluest sky, so bright that my eyes watered. The sun was hot on my face as well, and the clouds looked like the whitest snow ever. My eyes leaked a little more, but because I felt so close to God at that moment. I can't explain it at all. Even the picture doesn't do justice. I was so sick I couldn't take many, but you get the point.
It didn't go quite as expected, hoped...but some things exceeded my expectations!
First...boy I think I rode in every mode of public transportation there is almost! I was so exhausted by the time Jami picked me up at the train station. I saw her drive up in her hillbilly truck :) and out jumped De and I hugged her neck till I am sure it hurt! Then Jami popped around from the back of the truck and I just didn't want to let go. In the back seat sat the cutest babes - twins Addison and Clark! ALL smiles! All of this did my heart good!
I was exhausted, the kids were ready for a nap, all of us where ready to go. So I texted her back that we would just go to Jami's (who was around 2 hours away) and that I hoped we could meet or talk more on Friday.
I never seen so many corn fields! :) It was beautiful country side, awesome farm houses and barns and silos and such. We get to Jami's and we all fall out and go inside. Jami has a beautiful home and family. Besides the twins she has a sweet husband named CJ who made me feel so welcomed. He is a hoot haha. She also has a super cute son Alec who when I first met him was all sweaty and stinky from football practice and still was cute! Then there was Ally who was precious! She gave me a butterfly that she made, I will keep it forever! Oh and she has a son named Pony too...he is a 100+ pound hoooge pup that thinks he is a lap dog. He is an awesome dog!
Thursday, September 03, 2009
My head was hurting too and when I woke up I knew I had things to do and just felt like staying in bed.
I stayed with my little lady Monday night and Tuesday night, Wednesday morning I woke up at 5ish throwing up like crazy. I was so glad to get home and in my bed and close to my sweet husband. The money is good, she is nice but booooo I miss my hubby!!
So today was blah, I needed to call Jami to firm up our plans for next week when we see Rebecca. I had to scream into the phone almost for her to hear me haha. We talked and gabbed a bit...a little bit since my voice was just air with a garbled sound. Then Jami asked if I had talked to the lawyer about maybe doing it pro bono. Hmm, no I hadn't. So when we hung up I emailed him, just telling him about some of our issues financially and he emailed me this back...
I am very pleased to hear from you. I understand that life sometimes puts roadblocks in our way, and would like to work with you towards your goal. Its interesting to hear this from you, because ever since we talked, I've felt very strongly that I should have offered you some alternative to the usual retainer in these type of cases. Perhaps God was speaking to me on your behalf. Who am I to question Him, after all?
I am confident we can work something out. My first idea would be to reduce the retainer to $3500.00 and have your husband build a website for me. Does that seem feasible to you? Please let me know.
How amazing is that??? I all but ... ok I did cry. That is enough to really make a difference. I love how he had thought it before I emailed him...dang it he shoulda told me so I wouldn't have been stressing so much. We are still working on all the money, but he agreed to let us pay him $2000 next week and then the rest when we come up for the birth. AHHH how awesome is our God!! and our lawyer!!!
So that made my day, along with a do do do do do moment with my mom...
She saw her friend Pat this week and Pat called her yesterday and wanted mom to pray for her to find her jewelry, a few pieces she can't find but are very expensive. She was crying and so mom prayed with her. Mom said she was praying and it was like God told her they were in a drawer. Mom told Pat as soon as she stopped praying what she felt and Pat blew it off saying she had looked everywhere in every drawer. Well, today Pat called mom...she had went to get her bra out of the drawer and just as she lifted it up there was the jewelry laying under the bra!! Pat was really laughing and crying at the same time, mom said it really feels good when God lets us know He hears our prayers. That is what I told mom, I was on my face praying most of the day yesterday for Isaac...and He heard my prayer.
I just sang this song for mom last Sunday...
ride the wings of
holy angels from here to there
God is listening when we speak them
There is power in whispered prayers.
Thank you friends/family...some strangers as well, for your whispered prayers!
On a side note, talked to Rebecca Monday and she had gained 40 pounds, the baby is great and is now estimated to be around 8 pounds when born. She is excited to meet me, as I am her. I can't wait to hug her and look in her eyes and just tell her face to face how much she means to us. I will post tons of pics :)
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
This is a small church, a wonderful small church. But the heart of the Church is huge. I never saw so many pintos in my life...I think Burke County had a hazy cloud over it after all those were eaten! There were pintos, white beans, green beans and mashed potatoes, stewed potatoes, potato salad and slaw and sweet cornbread, mexican cornbread, regular cornbread and onions and tomatoes....country girls dream dinner :)
Then...there were desserts! Ohhh Lordy! chocolate, coconut, confetti, red velvet, strawberry and pound cakes. Banana pudding - enough to feed an army and a half! I had to threaten a lady to get my piece of coconut cake - my mother in law makes an amazing one and it is my favorite. Well, I didn't threaten her - I bribed her and it worked.
There were donations by local restaurants: Fatz donated slaw. McDonalds donated cups and more cups! Sonic donated Ice - and they have the best ice EVA! Wendy's donated chili bowls. Butch's BBQ donated plates and to-go plates. I am sure there were more, but I haven't got my list from my sister in law yet to send thank you's!
I don't know how we all waddled into the sanctuary to hear the music...but we did. The pastor had to leave and my sweet daddy ran the sound and umm...well, let's just say it is a new system and if there isn't big round buttons to turn he might not get it. It was all digital with a remote and all and he just had a hard time. It added a bit of comedic relief I guess haha. The first group was my sister in law's group and they were so good.
After their first song, my nephew Jacob said out loud..."I liked that song"...was so cute - guess you had to be there haha.
Then, some people from the church got up to sing. And as the male singer was giving praise to our wonderful Saviour and how we don't know the time when He is coming...BOOOM...dad hit a button and we all thought the time had come!! It was so funny. We all jumped and laughed.
I got up to sing, I really wasn't feeling well...I think it was just stress and I didn't eat much except for dessert :). Fortunately my soundtrack was the first one on the CD I gave daddy so it was pretty easy. I made it without crying much and that was so hard, every time I would look at Scott he was crying - BIG OLE BABY! and so I had to look away. I looked at my father in law once and he tried to make me laugh...silly man. So, I focused on the cross that was at the back of the church. Peace.
My brother Todd and his group of guys sang last and they were so great. They consist of a big, tall bass, banjo and guitar. They have played together for a long time and it just flows. He sings House of Gold - an old Hank gospel song and he makes you shiver with the high notes.
My mom had me and him to sing How Great Thou Art...I love to sing with him - family harmony has just something about it. His voice is so flexible...great range and he has so much talent.
I love my family and friends and even people I didn't know. My mother and father are amazing people and loved by so many, that some helped just because of them. I am so blessed to have the family I have, Isaac is so blessed to be coming into this family. My brother stood up telling how blessed Isaac will be to have us as parents, that he is so lucky...but we are the lucky ones. To have him and my family as ours, and to have Isaac on the way. I can't wait to share our family with him. Scott's family is amazing too, they were there for us and it meant so much to both of us. Scott's family is small but mighty!
In other news, my mom stays with this sweet lady who has Alzheimer's. A girl that works for mom is having surgery so she asked if I wanted to come stay some with her. It is easy physically. Sara cleans and bathes and all that, I just have to make sure she doesn't try to cook or that she puts her clothes on...but most of all - keep her out of the road! She has an obsession with raking her yards. She can't stand for one leaf to be out there and the road they live on is busy and she wants to rake the road/ditch/driveway too. For the most part she is quiet and sweet, but she does get agitated and it is mentally taxing to handle that and to repeat yourself over and over.
I am drawn to her though, we talk and laugh about silly things, she LOVES the Golden Girls and Animal Planet. She loves to take a ride and to show you her 'things' which are trees/yard stuff. She loves her church and every day she wants to know if they are going to the place and I tell her just like it was for the first time every time..."Sara, we don't have church today" and every time she answers..."we don't? Well, that's good." She is healthy otherwise - no medications other than a vitamin and baby aspirin. She tries to feed me constantly, and that is the biggest thing I do for her is cook and prepare her food.
She doesn't remember much that is recent - if anything. She loves dogs and has a stuffed one beside her on her chair all the time. She thinks it is real, and it is comforting to her to have it. She thinks the people on the TV are really in her house. There was a woman on the news and she yelled for her to get out of her house!!! I changed the channel!!
She remembers her husband Henry, how he was one of her favorite things. I asked her about children and she said she couldn't have any babies, she wanted them but couldn't. SIGH. I told her about Isaac and emphasized his name will have Henry in it and she just lit up. I picked some flowers from her yard and made her a little arrangement and when she came in from raking she went on and on about the things in the thing are so pretty. She just hugged my neck and she isn't very affectionate really.
Makes me really appreciate my family, life and memory...they are are fragile and sometimes fleeting.Other than that...my back is getting better all the time, Scott is wonderful, family is great and God is still in control!
I have to get off here, my mother in law and father in law are coming for me to take them to this tomato patch to pick a bushel of tomatoes...a bushel sounds like a WHOLE lot! But they are canning them for the winter soups we all love...and spaghetti sauces too!
Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts and support.
P.S. I am heading to IL on the 9th until the 12th to see Rebecca on the 10th for her appointment! YAY and then to spend some quality time with some Divas!! These girls are some of my most precious friends that I have neglected a little lately with all that has been going on. But, I love them all so much...I wouldn't be here in this place if it had not been for them. I would have gave up, gave in, gave out a long time ago. Friends...lost without them. LOVE YOU GIRLS!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Then, when I told her that is fine that I wanted Leslie to go with me and that might be a date she could go with me. She said she would be around if I still wanted to come next week to see her. I might go both times, I just really want to be face to face with her. We will see.
After a little chit chat about her passing her finals with flying colors and is back in the nursing program in the fall...and that she is feeling good, stuffed but good - she sent me a text asking if she could have a little time with him after he is born before she left the hospital so she could really have that time to remember. I told her yes, she could have all the time she needed with him...she is his first mother!!
She said she also had bought him a few things and then told me she had knitted two blankets for him! I was already crying and told her that he would keep them forever, and love them. I also told her that I knit and crochet too, and was working on him a blanket. The blanket I was making him has drove me nuts. I don't typically have a hard time with a pattern, but I got bored, put it down, picked it back up got lost...ugh. I looked at the bag it was in while we texted and just knew that blanket wasn't meant to be for him. I think I will make him a quilt instead so that her blankets will be the ones he clings to for a long time.
My heart just breaks thinking about her. I am very aware that my miracle and most amazing joy is in turn the source of her greatest pain. I can't reconcile it. I care for her so much already, I don't want her to go through all this, but without her selflessness I may never know the joy of being a parent, a mommy...a wife to the best daddy ever. I need your prayers to ease this guilt I am having at times.
I am so amazed at people and during hard times they still have poured out their love for us in financial ways. I joined a group called Ravelry about a year ago and quickly became friends with Rebecca...a WIP (work in progress). Her blog just is a breath of air most of the time. I love reading her. Then, I put up the chip-in thingy and it seemed like immediately she donated! She is in France with family in the states. I have never seen her, never heard her voice...just pictures and glimpses into each others lives. She amazed me and made me cry :) happy tears. Then a friend I met through an infertility group quickly followed her. Both these women are Christians and have been praying for us. Jamie is such a special person and friend. She has been where I was, and commiserating sometimes breeds the best of friendships. Thanks to both of you for your prayers and unselfish gifts.
Speaking of thank you's...amazing friends praying and helping in so many ways....THANK YOU! Family who have loved us through this, who have been creative in ways to help us reach our goals....THANK YOU! My sister in law Lisa and brother Todd for organizing this benefit...I love you, thank you so much. My brother Johnny is also having us a benefit in Valdese in September. He has a business of stage/light/sound so he is donating his stage and his connections in town to have a pretty big shin dig. His son, precious Little John is bringing his band...sniffles, I love you guys so much. I will share more information when I get it. My mom will have a 'booth' with BBQ and fixin's. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
My baby will be here soon...the countdown on the sidebar keeps my heart pounding. UGH. So long, so soon...Isaac, we love you so much...you already have our hearts wrapped around your tiny little fingers. I can't wait to place you in your daddy's arms.
Keep on prayin' people - all for HIS glory...when God gave us Isaac...we gave him back to God.
And she vowed a vow, and said, O LORD of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the LORD all the days of his life.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
- I am doing better every day with my spinal cord stimulator. The first week I was a little disappointed, but I didn't show it or let it really get to me. Then I went in for the rep to reprogram it and ahhhh it started working like it should. We did all the programming with me sitting up, and when I got home I went to lay down and I lit up like a Christmas tree! Until the leads get more permanent and settled they will change position. Like when I raise my arm, turn my head or my body...and when I lay down! (Sneezing is a little traumatic as well!) So I lay back and I froze. Scott was near by but indisposed if you know what I mean (potty time). I call out his name and my brain scrambled and I didn't know what to do! Then I rolled a little and it started to lessen and I finally pulled myself up. I totally now understand why I can't drive with it turned on!!! It is funny now, but at that time not at all. Fortunately, I have 8 programs to use and that was just 4 of them that wigged out on me. I haven't walked through a grocery store in almost 2 years. I used one of those electric chair things - reluctantly since I got that pride thing going on. This past Friday, I met up with an old classmate/friend and his wife and we walked the car show in Valdese. I felt on top of the world. I hurt, but not to the point that I had to stop...which used to be about 5 minutes into a 'walk' and I guess we walked around for 30-45 minutes!! Then the next day we went to see Scott's mom and dad and we all went to Sams. I looked at the cart and said nope...and I walked for an hour in Sams! I almost cried - so did Scott...because I can shop again :) You never think about things like that until you can't do them. YAY ME! I was very sore the next day, but it was worth it.
- As I mentioned up there, we met up with a classmate from junior high and high school. He was always so nice and funny. He was just always one of the good guys. His name is Scott too, but my Scott and him are like polar opposites when it comes to size...was really funny in my head when they shook hands. His wife Sherry and I met separate from him. I had a myspace account and I am not sure what I had up as my status, a verse from the Bible I think. But, she sent me a message and a friend request and we started talking a little. And somehow I found out that her soon to be husband was Scott my friend from school! Such a small world. It was so great to see them and to finally hug Sherry's neck. She had this bright smile that just could light you up. She has prayed me through a lot since we have 'met'. We laughed and walked and talked and it just felt like we were old friends. And I love his old Chevy nova...sweet ride. We even saw another classmate there and it felt like a reunion haha.
- Have I mentioned how much I love facebook and how many friends/family I have rediscovered on there!
- We visited a new church this past Sunday and really liked it. I lived in the community where it is all my life until I got married. But, my dad was a pastor so I went to church wherever my poppy was. I still love to hear him preach. When we walked in we felt right at home. Everyone was so nice and the pastor delivered a great message about Phillip and the eunuch. How the Holy Spirit will direct you to someones chariot (or mess, situation, valley) and we should be like Phillip and take the Holy Spirit's lead. He also pointed out that when He leads you to someone, that the Holy Spirit is already at work in their lives as well. I thought of Rebecca and how some things could have really made me not want to be in her 'chariot'. But, it has been such a blessing to me, to her and to others that I know that had I not answered when God said this is it...I would have missed out on my son, on the happiness he and Rebecca has brought to me. I know the Holy Spirit has been working in her life as well. She told me when she was in rehab she prayed when she hadn't in a long time.
- Speaking of Rebecca, we talked again last week and her brother did pretty good during his open heart surgery. He is 8! There was a scare just after surgery, he started bleeding into his chest cavity and they had to go back in and find the bleed. They did and this was Tuesday last week, and he was home Saturday. We talked for a long time, about her family and about us coming to see her soon. I asked her if she could schedule her next OB appointment at a time I could come and hear his heartbeat and maybe see him on the screen. I told her if it wasn't OK, I totally would understand. You can hear her voice change and she said she would love to do that. She has her next appointment on July 28th and will schedule her following appointment on the last Thursday of August or the first Thursday of September. Leslie might be able to go with me if we only have to be gone a couple work days. We talked about her sons and how much she loves spending time with them, but they can be overwhelming right now. She is still sober, she takes her classes through the rehab every week day, she has a job, she has to meet with her counselor regularly and on top of it all she is pregnant. She is going back to school for nursing as well. Whew - that just makes me tired. I told her we were going to stay a little longer there than what will probably be required. We want her to be able to get some closure sort of. I told her that I didn't mean she would never see him again, but I know being so close after his birth that she might need it. And once we leave it might be a while til she sees him again in person. She didn't have to but that was an option. I told her that when we do come home we will be overwhelmed with family and friends and having a few extra days with him, just Scott and I will be a beautiful time for us. She said again that when she meets him when he is older, he could call her aunt or friend or cousin. I told her that I had thought about that and we are telling Isaac about her, how much she loved/loves him how he wasn't abandoned or tossed away. When he is old enough to really understand and she gets to see him, I think it should be up to him and her what he calls her. She cried and said that us being so open with her and letting her keep in touch makes this easier. I cried hearing her pain, but also because I know her pain takes mine away. I stare at her son's picture she sent every day thinking Isaac could look like him. I can't wait for real pictures, for touches and kisses and whew...don't get me started.
- Yesterday, I got the first gift for Isaac. Jen my sister in law and my brother in law Chris had been to Myrtle Beach and they brought back 2 sweet sweet shirts for him. I just lost it. But, then she handed me a diaper bag filled with bottles, nipples, t-shirts and sleepers. It caught my breath. I can't tell you how many times I have picked the shirts up and just hugged them, something tangible, something he will wear. Tears could soak them, tears of so much love for him. I can just picture him in some little jeans wearing them. I can't explain how it felt...I am sure some of you moms understand. I have waited so long to be here, to be a mommy in my heart, to know that God is giving me my hearts desire. I don't deserve it. I know so many women - wonderful women who should be mommies and are empty. I was there for 18 years, it is a sad, lonely place. But one tiny little boy has erased all that pain, 18 years of tears and ache and heartbreak just dissolved away with the selflessness of one woman. WHEW!
- Today, mom and I went to have lunch with my aunt Louise, cousin Lori and her daughter Courtney. They are so special to me in so many ways. Lori cut moms hair while Louise and I caught up. They are some prayer warriors let me tell you! I had walked outside to see Sandy, a yellow lab that we gave them, and her puppies - SOO CUTE! I came back in and they were in a circle holding hands and crying out to Jesus on our behalf, on the behalf of other family members. You just could feel the spirit of God in the room. I pray silently, I have always felt my words fail me when I pray out loud...but these women pray from their hearts and it just gives me chills! I love them so much. We decided to not let months go by without being together so on the third Tuesday of every month - it is our day. We go there, they come here...it just has to happen every month! Ya'll can come with me, the more the merrier!
- I guess that is it...enough eh? Just think if I had wrote a long post about each of those! Well, here are some pictures for your enjoyment from today.
Cousin Lori and me
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Well, I can't post the picture really...but -
She sent me a picture of her 2 year old and wow...he is a doll. He has this curly light brown hair and bright green/brown eyes and a smile that would melt anyone. We both hope he looks like his brother...soooo cute.
I sent her a text telling her how happy he looks. She sends me this back...
"Your baby will be too!" Ahhhh my baby.
My heart is about to explode!
And my brain is too. I am overwhelmed with lists now....SO much to do before he gets here!
Ya'll will have to share all your mommy to be advice!
Sunday, July 05, 2009
But, as we sat out in the yard watching my father in law light fireworks for the kids it hit me. This is my last 4th of July without my child. I won't ever look at fireworks the same. It was the last time where how I was feeling came first in deciding how to spend this holiday. Unless I am bed ridden, every holiday will be spent to the fullest with my child. AHHH MY CHILD...have sweeter words every been spoken? Not yet...when I hear the first I love you mommy...or heck the first mammmmma will be the sweetest then every word coming out of his mouth will be cherished by this mommy to be.
Every day until he is with us will be one more of 'the last of's'. Whew...
Then after he is with us, our life will be a never ending plethora of firsts. I can't wait for the first touch, the first kiss, the first breath of air that we will share, the first time I hold him, the first time I see Scott holding his son, the first time we fall asleep with him snuggled between us, the first time he smiles...
I just realized in just 95+/- days he will be here. Holy crap I need to make lists of things to do!
- Monday - 6 am (well 620 since I slept through my alarm clock!) I get to the hospital to settle in for my spinal cord stimulator. It really was pretty uneventful at first, no problems getting the IV in, the warm blankets felt soooo good, my nurses were great, my doctors came in smiling and in great moods, my new BFF (HAHA) - the rep for my box came in smiling as well, the anesthesiologist eased my concerns about me being put to sleep in just a twilight sleep. (I was a little freaked out thinking I might wake up when they were doing the big stuff! But they needed me awake for placing the leads to make sure they were in the right place.) It started out pretty good. But umm then...it just kinda went down hill. I don't remember anything once they got me into the OR. I remember thinking my doctor is cute and dang it he is gonna see my butt and boobies...SIGH!
- I wake up in recovery and am bawling. The pocket he made for the stimulator (looks like a pacemaker) hurt like crazy. I couldn't stop crying! CRAZY. Anyways, they have me there trying to make sure now that I am awake that the leads are still in place and I am getting coverage in all the right places. The rep cranks it up and WAMMO...the left leg lights up. Nothing in the right leg. I cringe. My right leg/side is the main reason for this box and it wasn't getting any of the sensations. She turned it 10 ways to Sunday and still none/very little on the right. Dr. P was puzzled as in the OR when they were putting it in the left had no coverage. They took me to x-ray and the leads hadn't moved. So, they programmed me and told me that when the swelling goes down and such, that it should start working normal. *I freaked out when I got home...I don't remember ANYTHING from the surgery...what if I was so out of it I lied inadvertently to him saying my right was covered instead of my left. I am still worried that is what happened!!!*
- The doctors leave me, the nurses trying their best to cover my pain and nausea. I am still crying like a baby. I just can't stop! I turn over in the bed multiple times. I kick the covers off at one point I was hot. My eyes are so swollen from crying I can't really open them. My blood pressure is very low and it made me a little loopier than normal. About 3 hours into recovery I realized that my gown was just laid across me - my arms were not in it. My boobs were out there for anyone to see!! Scott wasn't paying any attention. Doctors, patients, patients families walking by getting a show. I wondered why the nurse kept covering me up...I was like dang I am hot...stop that. I thought that, I didn't say it. Yeah, not my finest moment.
- I guess it was 5ish and I wanted to go home. The nurse said if I was ready I could. So I sat up and started putting clothes on and then I stood up to pull my shorts up and I almost hit the floor. Nausea, dizzy, weak...not fun! My nurse came in and checked my blood pressure and it was 70/40!!!! Needless to say I stayed a bit longer, drinking fluids and eating a few crackers. Finally it got up a little and Scott was able to take me home to his parents.
- I get there and crashed in their bed, to wake up a little later to about 8 itchy places on my legs and torso. I thought bug bites, but not sure why I was the only one. And they were like blisters more than anything else. But, I stuck with bug bites and my fearless protector did kill a tiny little ant while he played some cowboy game on the xbox.
- The next day I woke up to a sore throat. I thought hmm, I must have snored a lot while not using my
crapC-pap mask. Running a low grade temp, but thought it was just my body responding to surgery.
- Wednesday I wake up and the blister like things on my legs/torso are red around them and hard. Not bug bites. Then that night I found the flashlight and looked in my mouth...EEEEK! White little blister like things all over the roof of my mouth and a few sores on my tongue. Temp was a little higher but not over 101.
- Thursday I had a dressing change appointment with Dr. P. Everything looked good under the bandages. Yes, bandages...what I thought would be one incision ended up being 2 due to having difficulty getting one of the leads in...GRR. I showed him my 'sores' on my body and the things in my mouth and he thought strep maybe, but said I should see my primary care physician.
- Ok, I call my PCP and it is Thursday...they are closed Friday so they were slammed and couldn't see me. I was scared it was strep and that it might be like last time and I end up with a picc line and IV antibiotics for 6 weeks. So the nurse said to to express care/ER. We go and sit for about 4 hours. To have a PA come in and say, just to cover any issues let's just give you an antibiotic. WHAT? He hadn't even seen what I had going on. Scott and I flipped out a little and he sent us over to the ER side. That doctor knew my history of an infection at the surgical site and he ordered blood work, cultures and swabbed my throat. He gave me a shot in the butt too :( for pain and nausea.
- The rapid strep came back negative. My sed rate was 64 but my cell count was mostly normal. He did give me an antibiotic.
- Friday when I woke up, my throat was so much worse. My hangy down thing was so swollen it was making me gag. It looked like someone had a snow ball fight in my mouth!! I think it looks more like thrush/yeast. So, I started doing salt water gargles and today did vinegar. The vinegar seems to be the most helpful - that and throat spray. Food sucks, it hurts so much to swallow.
- I am eating yogurt to hopefully help with the yeast, and it feels good on my throat. Temp is still up and down....crazy thing. My mysterious lesions on my body are going away - Thank you God!
- Good news is, other than the surgical pain my back is feeling better. I really think this was just the miracle I needed to get to feeling better. Even though it is like I got a pacemaker in my butt.
Can't sleep dang it. I took meds to help with that and I just got a lot on my mind I guess. When sleep does come I am sure it will be deep and good.
Scott didn't get his wish that this box had a mute button - HA!
I really am excited that this 'bionic' status will make my life much better. It is crazy how it works, but I am glad it does. I wonder how someone thought this up? Well, they are my hero!
Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts during the past two years. 4 surgeries on my back, 1 D&C, lots of medications and doctors appointments has been a long journey. Things happen for a reason I know, all of this was part of a plan that He has for my life.
Ooo it is after 2 am, gotta go to sleep or else I won't get up for church tomorrow and I need church...I have a lot to be thankful for!