Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Just having a hard time today. I can't get him off my mind. Before we lost him, all I could think of was how full our lives were going to be. How thanksgiving was going to mean so much more.

I wanna crawl in a hole and wake up around February. I am about to put a ban on TV until Christmas is over. The commercials get me the most! The one where the husband gives his wife a gift while she feeds their baby. Celebrating their first family Christmas. SIGH!

I hate sounding like a sour puss all the time, I really am happy most of the time. But, I guess lately my blog has been where I dump those sad, dark, angry feelings.

Scott and I discussed surrogacy lately. The costs of in vitro are staggering. We can't see putting so much money into it and it isn't for sure. Kind of like adoption I guess. I thought it was safer financially and emotionally to do adoption instead of continuing fertility treatments or trying surrogacy with in vitro.

We asked someone to carry a baby for us, Scott's sperm and her egg. I knew the chances were slim and wasn't suprised when the answer was no. It hurt, but I can't be angry. I like to think I would do it for someone that I loved.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving. I am thankful. For family, friends and all the normal things. But, most of all I am thankful for His grace. For His faithfulness. For His love for me that covered my sins when He died on the cross. Thankful for His gift if salvation and for keeping me safe in the palm of His hand - noone can pluck me from it.

I am thankful for you too!

Happy Thanksgiving!


  1. i hope you have a nice thanksgiving filled with family and lots of food!

  2. Saying a prayer for you. Happy Thanksgiving.

  3. Sweetie, I know it is hard to hang on, I went through this with my Alex and Jill on the Averitt fam blog, God was faithful with their Ram and they went through so much pain, please hang in there and trust and believe, I am praying and believing for you a baby, even if you can not believe right now, I can for you:) and I am!!! Sound of naytime you need too, there is alot of pain that needs out;) Hugs Linda lou Averitt

  4. I came across your blog through a link from someone else's, and I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that your adoption didn't work out. Surrogacy is a wonderful thing...and I hope & pray you will find someone else willing to carry your child. Would the woman you asked be more willing if you used a donor egg instead of her own? I can't think of any better gift than giving someone a child...your post reminds me again that I'd love to be a surrogate some day :)