Just having a hard time today. I can't get him off my mind. Before we lost him, all I could think of was how full our lives were going to be. How thanksgiving was going to mean so much more.

I wanna crawl in a hole and wake up around February. I am about to put a ban on TV until Christmas is over. The commercials get me the most! The one where the husband gives his wife a gift while she feeds their baby. Celebrating their first family Christmas. SIGH!

I hate sounding like a sour puss all the time, I really am happy most of the time. But, I guess lately my blog has been where I dump those sad, dark, angry feelings.

Scott and I discussed surrogacy lately. The costs of in vitro are staggering. We can't see putting so much money into it and it isn't for sure. Kind of like adoption I guess. I thought it was safer financially and emotionally to do adoption instead of continuing fertility treatments or trying surrogacy with in vitro.

We asked someone to carry a baby for us, Scott's sperm and her egg. I knew the chances were slim and wasn't suprised when the answer was no. It hurt, but I can't be angry. I like to think I would do it for someone that I loved.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving. I am thankful. For family, friends and all the normal things. But, most of all I am thankful for His grace. For His faithfulness. For His love for me that covered my sins when He died on the cross. Thankful for His gift if salvation and for keeping me safe in the palm of His hand - noone can pluck me from it.

I am thankful for you too!

Happy Thanksgiving!