Saturday, November 21, 2009


We went to Jubilee and it was great. The services were wonderful, music uplifting. I was there with some women from my family. Some Christian women! As wonderful as the services were, I needed to be with family. I needed to spend time with Scott and my mom.

I needed to soak up the miracle of the ocean. It still takes my breath when I see it after being away for a while.

But even more than that, I needed my friends. They will never know what our time together meant. I wish I could bottle up the healing properties that their friendship gives me. I could use a dose today. The time was too short. No quick walk across the street to our house after dinner. Tears choked back until their house faded from sight. Then they rolled, both of us.

I loved playing and laughing with Colin. He has always been a huggy, loving boy. Jack Henry didn't really care I was there. He is all about his mom and dad. Well, not true!!! While I was chopped liver, Scott was obviously chocolate cake with sprinkles! He held out his sweet chubby hands for Scott, and Scott happily obliged! I thought it was a fluke, but it continued to the next day. So sweeet!

Scott will be such a great daddy. SIGH

But, we are home now. We are better. Still every day there is something that makes me miss what could have been. Silly Christmas commercials. I think about what to get family/friends kids and it just makes me sad.

I should have been showing off our miracle to my church and at the hospital while we were at the beach! I think I am ok and then I think of something like that. GRR

We have decided to foster while we wait for God to send us our child/ren. We have found a bigger house that would be perfect. God just has to make it all happen. The house has happened, and we move in on the 1st. 4 bedrooms, 3 baths and a great big fenced in yard with a play area and a pool. It is so exciting, scary but exciting.

I love him. Scott that is. I know I would never be able to handle these trials had God not sent me Scott. Sometimes when I think of all that I have been through...I feel guilty for complaining because I am so blessed with Scott. Some never find the love that we have, I have family and friends who haven't. I should be thankful for what I have and not complain...sigh.

We have our classes in January for foster care. Scott and I both believe this is a path we should be on. I know the potential for heartbreak is so real and very possible. I know that I will fall in love with every child we come in contact with. But, the prospect of showing a child so much love, Jesus and what family really means...if even for a little while makes the rest worth it.

As far as Rebecca goes...I haven't done anything else. I haven't investigated any more, I have tried my best to not even think about her. But, then a dark haired girl with a new baby walks in front of me at Target and I wonder...UGH! I know it can't be, but could it? She knows where I live. Makes me angry again for giving her my information, all of it.

I pray for him. Every day, several times a day. I ache for him all the time. I hope the ache eases soon. I keep thinking once the holidays pass it will be easier. Then my birthday...if we get past that...then it will be easier. I remember when my brother died, it took getting past all the firsts, and then the healing really began.

I am sorry I haven't posted lately, I stay with an elderly lady and have taken on more days in the last few weeks. I think it is partly due to the fact she has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember why I am sad or cry. I look into her eyes and there is no pity or hurt for us, she just sees the last 5 minutes.

I still go back and read all of the support I have gotten, that got me through the hardest time of this. I will never be able to repay all the kindness I have received. Thank you again.

Speaking of Sara, I better get off here and get ready...headed to her house in a few. I wish she had internet, but what would an 86 year old do with it. We barely have cellular signal there! In the boonies.

If I don't get on here before then...Happy Thanksgiving. No matter what I have so much to be thankful for.


  1. I am so glad to here from you. I'm glad you have receieved so much loving tender care from your friends and family these past weeks. AndI'm so glad you're talking of foster care. I've been thinking of that so much lately but know it is absolutely not for me as i have such limited patience with y own kids. but i was thinking about it cause a boy in dd class is jsut horrible at school (hits, touches girls in places he shouldnt smokes, spits cusses, ignores teachers, insults teachers, ...) and dd is always complaining abouthim and i told her he was probably hurting a lot. it' come out recently that he is beaten daily at home and then left to fend for himself. And i just think how badly he needs someone to love him and let him know that God loves him. And I know that you and your husband can make a child feel loved by you and by God.
    Congrats on new house. Hope move in goes well. May God continue to shower you with His love throught the arms of your friends and fam.
    Big hugs

  2. I'm glad to read an update. I'm so glad too that you got to spend time with your family and friends. I wish you the very best of luck with the fostering. It takes very special people to do that and from what i've read you and your husband definetly qualify. :) I'm still praying for your family sweetie.

  3. I use to be a house manager in a group home for kids and I would see some of them go into foster care. Some of them were nervous and some were excited, but I was always so happy to see the kids go to be with families and have a more "realistic" home setting than the group homes. I am so happy that u have chosen this route, and you know, sometimes these foster children need to be adopted. You are an amazing and strong couple!

  4. You guys are still in my prayers.

  5. So glad you're hanging in there. Ben and I are looking to pursue adoption through foster care the next time around - I'll be interested to read your journey through it. There are SO many children in need of warm, loving homes and you are JUST the family to provide that!

  6. Francie Schmuhl1:42 PM

    Day by day. That's how some make it through. You're doing a great job. You know, sometimes we just have to set the small goals (the next five minutes, the next holiday, etc.) to get to. Then, you turn around and realize how far you've come. We're already starting to hear of your healing and someday, we'll read of more and more success and healing in your life. We believe in you and in God. Together, you can get through this. Much love, Francie

  7. i think it is neat that you have decided on foster care. we are doing foster care too right now, we have our first 2 foster children with us. they are amazing.

    i will be excited to read about your experiences in fostering.


  8. It's good to see an update from you and know that you're doing okay. I know the holidays are and will be hard, but you will get through it day by day with the Lord and your sweet husband beside you!

    Can't wait to hear more about these new steps that you're taking with foster care. You will be such a blessing to those children. Happy Thanksgiving to you!

  9. Thinking of you this holiday time.........knowing, remembering so well, how very difficult it can be!!
    I am so sorry that you are still so raw but, it will take any loss!
    Keep your faith!
    God has a plan and it sounds like He is unveiling the next part of it through the fostering. What a blessing you both will be to children who need you.......if even for a short time!!!