Monday, December 31, 2007
But this year, Scott and I both decided that this is something we wanted to do. We are writing them down, reading them every day, putting every prayer and effort possible into keeping them.
1. I resolve to check my book and send birthday cards/anniversary cards/everyday cards to those I love. I will do this on the first of every month, a reminder has been fixed on my computer so I won't have the excuse of 'oops I forgot'.
2. I resolve to be conscious of every bite I eat and every drink I drink Monday - Friday. My aunt has been doing this diet...well, not really a diet just behaving on the weekdays and splurging on the weekends. I will drink more water and less tea/soda. I will watch my sugar and those foods that make my sugar levels jump.
3. I will take my medications every day. I will keep my caddy full every Saturday and not use the excuse of we can't afford it this week. If a medicine is bothering me I will tell the doctor and get it changed.
4. I will make a budget and we will abide by it 100% in January and if we fail...we will seek professional help. With me not working a budget is essential! We will put no less than 50 dollars into savings each month and NOT touch it for any reason.
5. I will scan every picture I have and those that other family will allow me to. I will make albums for my brothers and my parents by the end of this year. I will take more pictures at family gatherings and each year send an album to Tommy in Colorado.
6. I will without fail begin each day with prayer, connecting with my Savior so my days will get better and better with His guidance. We will make every effort to find a 'Home' Church by July. I will start doing my daily devotions and sharing them on FC.
7. I will do one more year of temping, charting, minimal medications to have our child. During this year I will get my blood pressure, diabetes and pain levels under better control and hopefully lose enough weight to make a difference. If no baby by Christmas, we will pursue no more than 6 months worth of trying using more extreme medical intervention. If no baby we will intensely go down that road of adoption. Learning more starting now about adoption, get some of our ducks in a row so we can be prepared and maybe lessen the length of time it will take to bring a baby home that is born of our hearts.
8. I will be a better sister, daughter, daughter in law, aunt and friend. I will meddle less and listen and love more. Before offering my two cents, I will ask myself if it is coming from my heart...from a good place in my heart or if it is just something to get a rise out of the other person. I will love with less conditions, I will not let my relationships with one person effect my relationship with another.
9. I will sing more often, I will buy one soundtrack a month to increase my library and increase my opportunity to share my God given talent and His message with others.
10. I will make a schedule of things to do every week and do them. No matter the pain level I won't spend my days in bed unless it is totally unavoidable. I will not let pride keep me from letting people help, letting them in to my little world and help me do the things I can't.
11. I will finish my knitting and crocheting projects and have them ready for next Christmas. I will be more creative with it and learn as much as possible.
12. I will read this often, posting them on my frig and in my purse and on my blog. I am asking Scott and my friends to keep me accountable and journal about my successes and failures. I will realize a slip doesn't mean I can forget that certain resolution.
I am woman, I am a Christian woman and I can do anything through CHRIST who strengthens ME!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
But we wouldn’t have the rainbow if we didn’t have the rain; We wouldn’t know the pleasure if we never tasted pain.
We wouldn’t love the sunrise if we hadn’t felt the night; And we wouldn’t know our weakness if we hadn’t sensed God’s might.
We couldn’t have the springtime or the yellow daffodil if we hadn’t experienced the winter’s frosty chill.
And though the brilliant sunshine is something God has made. He knew too much could parch our souls so He created shade.
So God’s given us a balance: enough joys to keep us glad, enough tears to keep us humble, enough good to balance bad.
And if you’ll trust in Him you’ll see though yesterday brought sorrow, the clouds will part and dawn will bring a happier tomorrow.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
He is 40 today, wow...time flies when you're havin' fun! But, he isn't all smiles and he isn't sporting that lets have a party attitude. Tearfully he tells me that he is 40, he hates his job, he always thought 40 was old, he thought life would be different...but most of all he thought he would be a father by now. Don't get me wrong, he is thankful as well, he really is.
I had wanted to plan a blow out party with his brother, but the closer it got the more distant Chris has gotten. That isn't the only reason, I started planning a smaller party and could tell he wanted nothing to do with it really. So, today we are spending it together...his choice of dinner and then a movie. We are keeping it low key. Tomorrow is a Christmas dinner with the Walkers and there is almost always a cake for his birthday at that dinner.
Next month, I will be 39...my last year before 40. I look around at 18 year olds with families already...if not for Scott I would be that 40 year old spinster lady living alone. UGH!
This is our 18th birthday together, wooo hooo our relationship is a senior now haha.
Happy Birthday my love, you deserve every happiness...I wish I could give you the one you want most. I wish, I pray...does He hear me?
On a side note....AF is here and I am not surprised in the least.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
My temps are still up, but I am trying not to get excited...just leaves me further to fall. So I am not taking one test until I am 3 days late....yeah right and I got a million bux in the bank too! haha....so predictable I can predict myself!
Happy day after!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
Anyways, dinner time came and things were great. Daddy was sick, he ate something Sunday that has made him sick...has a migraine as well. He was so upset he couldn't come. He called and said that he loved me and was so sorry he couldn't be here. Then he said...I got your sock. I will post more about that later.
Brad comes back early, just wanna squeeze him. Then here comes Illan and his mommy and daddy - Randall and Cara. He is so cute, he steals your heart every time you see him. His lil cheeks were red, and his smile was huge. They brought some of moms food for her and then Mom and her friend Korey came. I had made a big ham and some appetizers and such. Ohh some killer punch, mmmm. Mom made turnips (EWWW), turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, salad, tea, ... she nearly brought the whole meal. Lisa and Todd came in next with mmm her potato salad!
TW, his wife Tammie and Briana brought in the rear. Junior and Joanne had something at church, Leon and Betty went to the beach to see David. Leon M. got sick and Travis was out on a call. So pretty much everyone that said they were coming showed up! Perfect amount either way, Those that were meant to be here...were here. Not saying I wasn't missing some people, because I was.
Everyone had a great meal, laughter and talking. Illan was the life of the party though he is such a cutie. He tries to say Hopie...his little lips will make the "O" shape...sooo flipping cute! I wanted to just kiss his little cheeks off. Todd is the cutest with him, I remember Todd and how he was with his kids but he is soooo cute with Illan. Everyone was being silly by the end of the night. I made cappichinos for everyone and by 10ish everyone was pretty much gone. Thankfully Cara, Brad and Kita stayed long enough to help me clean up a bit.
I basically fell into bed, took some more meds and went to sleep. I actually fell asleep typing this last night. Scott said I tossed and turned all night, crying out in pain every time. I remember tossing a lot...hate I kept him up.
We woke up this morning to get ready to go to Scott's parents and I just couldn't. As much as I hated it, I just couldn't handle the ride or even the getting ready. So he went, I stayed in bed...sleeping until almost 4! But, it helped I was able to get up and I did go to Brads house for a little dinner which was super nice. Mom and Dad were there, Corey, Cara, Randall and Illan. Kitas brother Tyler and her mom Miss Betty and another older lady I wanna say Kitas grandmother - not sure though. It was very nice and I was glad to see daddy, I would have went to see him at home if he hadn't been there.
Home now with a muscle relaxer kicking in soon I hope!
Yesterday and today were difficult, but the hustle and bustle yesterday kept me distracted. But, sadly it still wasn't enough. Very few gift exchanges really, but knowing if a child was here...the gift giving would be insane! I remember all the wonderful Christmas dinners at moms or our grandmothers and there were always so many gifts for all. But I kept all the tears at bay for each function and while it is never far from my mind...I even enjoyed the children.
Christmas was great as a whole, Leslie called and I heard Colin in the background. I spoke with Little Tom tonight too, and I hope his Christmas is blessed. I am sending him and Angel gifts this week. I am having several things printed and I wanted to make sure her name was spelled Angel or Anjel. I am making him/her a great picture album and also knitted them both scarves.
Well, am heading back to bed, I will upload pics either tonight or tomorrow.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
It is so hard sometimes to keep the hope and then I am sent a verse like this.
Merry Christmas Eve - eve!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
They have their own struggles I know, but when you are denied your hearts desire, that one thing that has left you incomplete it changes you. I am so different than I was 10 years ago -granted we all change, but infertility has changed me not just every day life. Wanting a certain job, car or whatever material thing can't even compare to the longing for a child. I am not saying that anyone elses desires are not valid, but it all comes back to how where I am skews my view of other things. And unless you are in this particular struggle you will never ever truly know these feelings. You can sympathize but it is empathy that really makes you know - you have to be here. This isn't coming out how I wanted I don't think...all sounded clearer in my head.
It is really hard to explain, especially to someone who hasn't been where I am. Some days, it comes easy - I have other things going on in my little world that distracts me from it on occasion. But, every day I wake up with it...knowing that I don't have to get up to feed my child or get them ready for school, every day those and similar thoughts run through my mind. I get up and do my normal things and something on TV or in a magazine stems a thought of my child - or lack thereof. Scott comes home and dinner for two, no patter of little feet running to hug his legs and welcome their daddy home. I open the mail - Christmas cards from friends and family - most with a family picture with their children. Will I ever send out cards with more than our animals and us in the family picture? I go to bed wrapped up in it...no worry about a storm scaring my child into the middle of our bed...maybe a cat, but not a child. I don't have a bedside monitor to fall asleep to the sounds of my child breathing and moving in their bed.
I know that being where I am makes me look at the world differently. Some people don't understand that, they take it as ignoring them or being rude or just being stand offish. Some days I just can't even bring myself to answer the phone or call out to anyone else - not because of them...because infertility makes me selfish with my life I guess. I want to keep my pain and suffering tightly gripped in my own hands, I want to keep it to myself...personal, so maybe no one else can even feel the tiniest bit sorry for me or feel an ounce of my own personal pain. (I guess posting a public blog might defeat that huh...not that many read it though...so all is safe). Other than a few friends who have been where I am, or are there with me right now...I keep my hell pretty secret. Maybe it isn't as much being selfish with my life as it is sort of protecting those I love. For instance - I have a friend...she is the closest person to me in my real every day life...closest and yet she lives 4 hours away :(. We have talked about my 'problem' many times and she gets it, while she hasn't had problems getting pregnant - she feared she would due to thyroid cancer treatments and such. Our time is precious together, we don't get to see each other much but the last thing I want to do is damper our time with my tearful, painful most life consuming issue. Trust me I could get talking about it and have us both crying. She has a son, a job, a husband, a baby on the way and so much family drama...sometimes we compare and sometimes hers is worse than mine and vice versa - believe that or not! I want us to laugh and make memories together, not have a pity party. I love her so much, and I know...I know she hurts for me....she is that kind of friend. I don't want to rain on our time and she has heard it all before....it never changes it seems. So maybe it is selflessness rather than selfishness....makes me feel a little better haha.
With some other family and friends though...it is self preserving that I don't talk about it with them. They say asinine things that infuriate me and while I know they really aren't trying to hurt me...it does, so for most that discussion is off the table completely.
Not sure where all of this came from. I just feel like sometimes people who don't get it just think I am so self involved. They don't see infertility as that big of a deal. Turn 39 and see how big it is when you really feel like the tick tock of your clock is going to burst your ear drums!
On another note, I think I am finally getting normal cycles. I lost a few pounds since all these surgeries and my cycle has been the most normal than it had in my entire life. It has varied by only 3 days in length - big deal when one month I would have my period every 14 days and then 3 months later go 13 months without one. All of this sounds great huh? Umm try making love with the issues I have going on with my back. If I were to get pregnant *rolling my eyes...almost giggled* this baby wouldn't be the result of a wonderful intimate time with my sweet dear husband....ugh, I won't even explain that haha...he will kill me!
So I have started charting again - being proactive can't hurt huh? I can say that when I didn't chart, didn't write anything down I was less stressed. Waking up every morning taking my temp before I even turn over, checking my cervical mucous, writing everything down, obsessing over every twinge and symptom....what was I thinking? I was thinking - I would do anything - beg, steal or borrow to have a child, I was thinking it will be all worth it for two lines on a pregnancy test, I was thinking if this was the month it would be a Christmas miracle and a wonderful present for Scott's 40th birthday. I was thinking if I don't try, I can't hope. I was thinking if God answered my prayer with a yes then next Christmas would be the best ever. I was thinking....mommy, I want to be called mommy.
Hi baby, today you are all I think about...not unlike most days. I know it is a little crazy to write to you and you are still just a dream or a prayer. I have wrote to you a lot, just not here. Your daddy doesn't even know that. Speaking of him, and I may be biased but he will be the best daddy ever. He will teach you so many things and share so many of the things he loves with you. Your daddy loves to fish, he got that from your great granpa I think. He will tell you stories of how they went fishing for flounder on the Outer Banks. But your Poppy, my daddy shared his love of fishing with me too...and with your daddy. I can't wait to take you to Santee fishing - I have so many pictures and memories of that lake to share with you. And don't tell your daddy, but I am a better fisherman than he is. I have more patience. I would go out all day with my dad fishing...probably not to fish as much as just to spend time with him. Your daddy is a computer whiz and I am sure he will show you all he knows. And in no time you can beat him at his own video games. I know you will love Christmas just like him, he will show you all the magic of Christmas...along with the main reason for the season - our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Your daddy is such a kid at Christmas - he would make our house a landing pad of lights if I let him. Your daddy loves loves loves to read, anything really but he loves sci-fi stuff. I love to read too, but it is all kinds of things...I hope you get that love from your mommy and daddy. Your daddy tries to sing...but don't let him...bless his heart. I try to sing too, I get that from your MeMaw Ruby and brothers. First thing your MeMaw will want to teach you is about Jesus, she loves Him as much as your mommy and daddy do. She will teach you to pray and sing Jesus loves me and Deep and Wide. I hope you learn to play the guitar like uncle Johnny or Uncle Todd - they are going to spoil you so much I believe. Your uncle Tommy is good at anything with his hands. Your Uncle Mark is in Heaven but he could play the piano like no one else and that boy was the jokester of the family - I will make sure you know all about him. Your MawMaw Lena she is going to teach you about anything crafty - but don't let her scare you about bugs and such ... she is so funny. She will teach you to cook and all sorts of things. Your PawPaw Herman..umm John will be so much fun, he is great with his hands and maybe will do some wood working with you. He is a big ole kid, don't tell him how much I love him though - he will get a big head. Oh did I mention your daddy loves to mess with cars...so much your daddy likes to do I am sure you will never be bored. I have dreamed about you so many times, most of the times you were a boy in my dreams....we have picked out Isaac if you are a boy and we keep going back and forth on a girls name...but it will be perfect. Your middle name will be a family name. I love you and want to feel you for real in my arms. You are all mine no matter if you were born of my womb or of my heart. There is so much family things you will enjoy and I can tell you this...I will be the best mommy ever to you. You are the desire of my heart, unlike some you weren't an 'oops', you weren't thought about one day and were in my belly the next. I have dreamed, wished, prayed, longed for you for over 16 years. The last 5 or so years we have even went to some extremes to bring you into our lives. I will cherish every kiss, every hug, every giggle or cry. Every sweet thing you do will be written down, every love note kept with your daddy's. I will kiss you every night and tell you I love you every day. My baby, you have been in our hearts for so long that when you are in our arms we may never want to let you go. I believe in you, not like the tooth fairy or Santa...I believe in you like I believe in God, in Jesus...I have never seen them but I have felt them - I know they are real...just like I know you are real. Your mommy loves you and can't wait to meet you...and you can take your time....I guess. I have waited this long, I guess this should be on your time huh? Your daddy loves you too, as much as I do...he tears up every time there is something that reminds him you are not here. Soon my baby, my precious child he will touch you and hold you and protect you. Soon. All my love, your Mommy.
I guess letters like this says I still have hope even when I feel hopeless.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Though Scott took pictures, none really were good...it was so dark and with the lights behind us it made us black and not visable really. But, here is the music.
ooops will have to upload them....will post them soon!
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
~ Author Unknown ~
Monday, December 03, 2007
I read that today and it gave me chills. I pray so hard for family and friends who can't say I am a sinner saved by grace. It breaks my heart that one day...and I feel that day will be sooooon, I will be in Heaven and will know they are not there. Life is so fleeting, how did this year go by so fast and 2008 is around the corner!!!
Every day is different, the level of pain is pretty consistent but I have started to learn how to sit...how to stand, how to even lay and the pain is still there but not as sharp and not tear-producing. It means I guess that I can tolerate most things, and to a point function a little better. Mondays and sometimes Tuesdays are better days - because my soul and heart are refreshed on Sunday and it carries over. But usually by Wednesday I am a big fat sad sack again looking at all the trials and physical/emotional/ pain I am dealing with. That sly devil sure knows my time schedule too...by Friday he has me spinning in circles sometimes.
Yesterday the pastor preached on Revelation 20:10 - And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever. AMEN AMEN AMEN...he has put me through enough and he deserves this and I hope for one minute I can look at him and go neener neener!
I am so tired, I don't know what to do other than to pray and to keep my eyes on Him. It is so hard though, every movement almost producing pain. I am tired of complaining, as much as some are tired of hearing about it. I have really tried not to even talk to people about it anymore...I know they are sick of it! People ask...how are you and I quickly say fine...they are well meaning I am sure but they REALLY don't wanna know!
Christmas is coming, I want to share it with our child...at this point by any means. I question if we will be able to adopt with my health as it is...who would want to give a child to someone like me???? Why is it when you are feeling as low as seemingly possible you think of all these things? My birthday is next month and I will be 39...yes, 39 and I am screaming inside...we have waited TOOO long, it is over we will never be parents....not only are we too old - oh my gosh how would I take care of a child when I can't take care of myself...which makes all this even worse because I want to know why God would allow this all to be on my plate. UGH...pity party over...pick your coats up at the door.
I know this is a mish mash of thoughts and feelings...woke up to that time of the month and it is just another reminder I am not a mother. I tried to bend over to pick up the dog and it isn't happening...SIGH.
OK, gotta get this day going...got to get my house ready for Christmas...dinner is here this year. I have to get all the rooms perfect - or close to it so I won't be so stressed that week before. I also need to send out some invites and call some people. Mom isn't up to doing it and the house there isn't ready sooooooo Hello me! I don't mind though, excited that Daddy's brother and his wife and family are wanting to participate!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
This is Luc and Shadow...an old cat of ours...how handsome!
This was at the beach with Allan's son Ryan
2 years ago when we got a little snow here in NC
Our family portrait...awww
We made it for dinner at Todd's and it was great. We really didn't eat that much just my moms turkey dressing....TO-DIE-FOR!! I didn't really feel up to taking a lot of pictures, GASP...I know, hard to believe. Lisa and her mother were there as well, Mom, Dad, Brad and Marquita, Cara and Randall and Illan, Todd and Scott and I. It was relaxed and nice to be with them.
Bradly had buried Luc for me on Tuesday and he got into poison Ivy or Oak and his face was all swollen and itchy...he looked so pitiful. Also this week Illan had his eye surgery and it has helped so much. He is such a happy little baby, I still can't pick him up....*pout*. Daddy had to leave a little early, he teaches at the prison on Thursday nights and he wouldn't miss it for anything. Brad ended up going to the ER so Lisa took him and it was just a few left.
We came home and crashed....little did I know that Scott was making plans to go shopping the next day. We did go, I sat in the van while they all went into the malls to shop....I watched DVD's and knitted...so it wasn't tooo bad.
The road home...I loved how the sun was shining through the clouds. The road ends pretty much at my parents home.
Cara and Illan...look at those cheeks!
BOUT TO POP!
aww...he is all over the place!
Illan and his pawpaw!
We had fun, eating and laughing at our dogs. We took Daisy and Chris' little dog was there..Lily is her name...funny dog. I took them outside to potty, I asked Chris first if she was ok to take out without a leash...oh yeah he said! 10 minutes later she is soaking wet and Chris is red faced haha. At first things were ok, but my dog is a bit bigger and they were chasing each other playing and barking. John and Lena have a fish pond, and it is covered with leaves. Well, Lily was being chased by Daisy and came to the pond...Lily stopped just short of going in but Daisy was on her tail tooooo close and BAM...Daisy hits Lily's butt and pushed her head first into the pond. It was soooo funny. I was laughing so hard, I couldn't take a picture.
Shirley was there too, she is so sweet...I wish we could spend more time with her.
Loook at all that food and drink....desserts...BURP...how did we survive it all???!!!???
Jake working off that turkey!!
Jake and Mommy Jen being all artistic!
Lena and Aunt Shirley
Me and Chris...those are fake grins...we are about to explode!
Scott and John...after dinner...laying back and trying to catch a few winks.
Lily and Daisy...trying to plan their escape!
Daisy inspecting the competitions package!
The pond....funny thing is Lily took a test dip before she got 'pushed' in!
Daisy is always in high gear...look at those ears!
STOP RUNNING FROM ME!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
The pumpkins and fall decorations are coming down, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Thanksgiving, a family time to eat, talk about Christmas and watch our parents and family wrap each other up in love and that common thread that family represents. Seeing that my niece or nephew has my brothers’ eyes or his hair. I can even see a bit of me in my nieces. I choke back the tears that there is no little me and my husband running around. Touching my back pocket making sure my compact is in there so when I go to the bathroom to let the tears fall, I can cover it all up.
I wonder if there will be another Thanksgiving to share with my parents whose health is failing and their age is catching up with them. I always pray for one more Thanksgiving so maybe next year, my hopes and dreams are realized and there is that true reflection of my husband and me to share with them and my family. Maybe next year my child experiences my mother’s turkey dressing, not to mention my mother in laws desserts and hear my brothers play music and watch my nieces and nephews play and joining in. One more year, I say that every year, God please let this coming year be the year that the pain ends, the constant want and hunger is satisfied. Each year my arms are empty and while family and friends have quit asking and have just accepted that we will probably never have a child, that desire and craving has not waned at all.
After all the turkey and dressing and family time is over, my husband and I will go back to our home, boxes of Christmas decorations waiting to be displayed. Everywhere we turn, there are children. Christmas time is all about children, family get togethers, and toys galore. But at our house, in our little corner of the world…Christmas is painful and as much as we try to be happy and join in all the functions – it hurts. I still hang the stockings, just two and one for our cat and one for the dog. No going out and getting special kid friendly things to put in them. Just cat nip and rawhide bones.
We play all the Christmas music, wondering if we will ever share Silent Night or Jingle Bells with our child. We get a new ornament each year and we still want to buy that ‘baby’s first Christmas’. We go shopping for family and friends, avoiding the center of the mall where Santa and countless children and their mommies wait to give their list to Santa. All of this reminds me of the fact that I may never have my own family to share this season with.
We go to Church to see the Christmas play and always wanting to be the one in the audience with the camcorder so proud of our child being one of the great wise men or a beautiful angel. I can remember the plays at my parents’ church, the baby in the congregation always being baby Jesus – I couldn’t wait until my child was the one that would be baby Jesus.
We suffer silently, rarely sharing our hurt with anyone during the holiday season. We watch as our brothers children grow up, and have children of their own while we still sit alone, empty and still after 15 years holding on to hope that next Christmas it will be our Christmas. But Christmas after Christmas our dreams die a little more.
It is so hard to explain to people that can get pregnant without even trying. We get all those helpful solutions to our ‘problem’. Why don’t you try not to worry about it, it will come. My cousins’ mothers’ sisters daughter took some natural herb and got pregnant right away. Maybe God just doesn’t want you to have a child; maybe you are supposed to be something other than a mother. This world is a bad place, it is probably best. I can think of so many answers for each of those and so many more comments. If they just knew all the tests, all the medications, injections, embarrassing calls to the doc, all the negative pregnancy tests.
As painful as the season is, as much as it hurts – we smile, we enjoy our families and friends. We can’t let the opportunity slip by of spending time with family. We aren’t promised another day, even my personal pain won’t keep me from spending time with them. We take breaks to take a deep breath, to slip to the bathroom to let the held back emotion come out just before it overcomes us in public. No one knows, no one really knows what we are going through each Christmas and I guess that means we are doing something right.
We put up the decorations, it is hard but we do it. He loves the season and hopes that all the twinkle and sparkle might put a little sparkle or twinkle in my heart and eyes. He does this, not the decorations. I can get through all of this because of him and his love for me – mother or not.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
We get their early and I go back to the choir room to practice a bit and leave a note for Doug. We go into the service, you can feel the energy in the air. The sanctuary was filling up quickly and it always takes my breath to be up there in front of so many people while singing. The Whisnants sang a song, they are so amazing. Their piano player is sooo great, and such a character. The pastor introduced Roger Mullins, he is always our closing speaker for Jubilee. He and his family are Hope for the World - Albania he presents a video of the children. It is always so touching.
He gives his sermon, he always has a great mixture of heartfelt moments, funny moments, and Biblical moments. At the end, he turns it over to the pastor and then the magic of Jubilee begins for real!
The pastor tells us that the Jubilee cost the church 35,000 this year. Let me back up a bit. The church, the singers, the speakers, the missionaries....everyone does this Jubilee on FAITH! And for 18 years God and His people have came through...usually in around 10 minutes. This was the 19th Jubilee and the miracle is about to begin. The pastor announces how much the church needs, and the ushers put tables up with offering plates on the tables, and in the center is Karen with a calculator keeping tabs. The pastor and Roger Mullins is encouraging people to give, the lines are long...young and old. The singers all get up and sing together and the miracle of Jubilee is seen right in front of our faces. 24 minutes and 35,000 dollars is raised - PRAISE THE LORD!
Wait...the miracle of Jubilee isn't only that...Sunday morning, during the invitation...Doug and Julie are praying hard, you can tell someone or something is on their hearts. (Doug is our Music Director and Julie is his wife.) Then I see wayyyy in the back, Doug and Julie's oldest son walking down the aisle with an older man. I look back at Julie, her eyes are shut....then I see Doug - the look on his face was pure joy and praise! I look back to Julie again and she is walking to the altar...meeting her Father, her Mother, her Son, her Husband, Her father in law (who is a pastor), her mother in law....all crying and praising God...her daddy gave his life to Christ! THAT IS THE MIRACLE OF JUBILEE! What a blessing it was to see Julie so happy and her knowing she would see her daddy again in Heaven.
After all the joys of Jubilee...it was time for lunch, BBQ and chicken bog...and all the fixin's! That time was a blessing too, able to wind down and just eat and listen and watch all my church family....I miss them so much. We had to say our goodbyes to Burt and Leslie and Colin...and baby Huggins. That was the hardest by far. I barely got to spend any time with them.
Jubilee was great, I can't wait for next year.
This is a ladies trio at the church, they did so well!
These are Everyday Driven...so amazing!
These are the Whisnants! My all-time favs!
Doug singing with the choir...he has such a great voice!
Burt and Colin...after the Jubliee came to an end! :(
Me, Leslie, Colin and Burt...and baby Huggins in the belly!
Majority of the Alto section haha...not really! Cindy, Allison and me....all smiles!Mom, Aunt Gladys, John and Lena...so much fun this week! They all (including my other family that was there) can't wait until next year!
Before the Pastor brought his sermon, Everyday Driven sang and they are such a blessing. Buddy Mullins has such a powerful voice, his wife Kerri though is a powerhouse, her voice sends chills! She can go from belting it out to the softest - almost whisper and both are amazing. When she first came up on stage Friday night...the first thing I noticed was her hair. She has this thick beautiful make you wanna smack her kind of hair. It was cut really short. I was up in the choir and I said something to Nyla and she told me that Kerri battled cancer - and won!
Kerri gave her testimony that night, and wow. She talked about getting the diagnosis, how that felt and how she thought about her kids and her family. She told us that a group of women in a Bible study class asked her to come to let them pray over her. She went and she felt the power of God, they prayed over her wrapping her up in verses and praises to Him. She went through the treatments, lost her hair...but as of July, she is CANCER FREE - PRAISE THE LORD!!!
She talked about that pit of fear. And ohh goodness have I been in and out of that pit - more in than out I believe...but how fear is not of God! Whew...she blew me away. She is such an inspiration. Scott...yes, my shy Scott talked to her later, told her how much it meant to him and she told him of a book she read that really made a difference. Get Out Of That Pit by Beth Moore. He said he walked up to her to thank her for her testimony and he started talking about me...he said he started crying and telling her about all that has been going on...he is so precious, but she probably thought we were nuts. Well, we are. She will probably never know how just her words helped me out of that pit.
Saturday night was the best night for me...I loved the other nights, but hearing Pastor Freddie preach and that testimony was my highlights. I miss my church so much. That night the choir sang a lot! Doug had coordinated some songs with the Pastor's sermon and wow...it had a great impact.
Monday, November 12, 2007
He preached on the cross. I have notes, gotta get them out and will post more about this sermon...he is amazing and I don't wanna miss a thing.
Jeff Steele also preached, one of the most poignant things he pointed out was how those in our lives might say one of three things when this old world ends. 1. Thank you for telling me of Jesus and I accepted him and will spend eternity with you and Him in Heaven. 2. You told me of Jesus, but I didn't listen...Hell is my home, I am so sorry I didn't listen. OR 3. Why didn't you tell me of Jesus, I am in hell and if you had told me of Him I would have listened and be with you in Heaven right now. I hope to never have to face many or any number 3's. He also talked about the people we may turn away from our church's for how they look, their sexuality and other sins. We should encourage them to come to Church so they can hear the Gospel and see their sins. I was convicted of that myself.
15 people raised their hands that the made the decision to get saved that night, God is soo good all the time!
We had a special speaker... Joel Penton from Ohio. He is a big time foot ball player, big guy with a heart for God and young people. He told us a few stories and then told us something that really stuck in my mind. In 100 years the only thing that will really matter is if we are spending eternity in Heaven or hell. Not only that, but did we tell our family and friends about Christ and his saving power and grace. In 100 years...that will be all that matters. I thought about family and friends that I have maybe not said too much to. WHY??? I think now about it and I am quite sometimes I don't want to turn them away from me, I don't want to make anyone upset. But, I know that I would rather have them mad at me for a while and know that I told them about my Jesus.
He really was such an great speaker and I can't wait to get the DVD so the young people in my life can see it.
Wednesday night, we get there and a new group to Jubilee was there - The Keffers. They have such a beautiful sound, so full of the spirit. I had never heard them, but look forward to hearing more! The Whisnants were there, one of my favs and they are amazing. Their songs touch the heart, bring tears to your eyes...near sobs sometimes. They sing my favorite song...Even in The Valley, it is a song so close to my heart right now...this valley is hard, but I know my God is good - ALL THE TIME! The choir and church groups did so great, if I may say so myself as I did sing in the choir. Doug was his usual phenomenal self, his voice and the conviction with it is so touching. But, as good as the music was...the sermons were all wonderful!
Steve Hubbard preached the first night, after a little comedy skit that he does he came in dressed as David. He preaches in first person. He describes himself and the things he has been through, the way the Lord has used him in his life. He first told how God introduces us to things and puts things in our lives that we have no clue why. Imagine David picking up stones and using the sling...not knowing that he would use that talent to defeat a giant in his life.
God had put things in Davids life, he defended his sheep from a lion and a bear. Then here came this giant, mocking his God. Goliath was even offended that they sent a boy with a staff and sling shot. The devil does that sometimes, planting a seed in our hearts and minds that we are ill-equipped to fight our giants.
God sent that Giant, and David ran into the valley....he didn't wait for the giant to get to him, her ran to him and told him "Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied. This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. And all this assembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hands."
The valley was the battleground, and when we are in the valley we should look to Who is in control of our battles. Not all things happen like we want, but we have to have the faith to trust in God that He is in control. David had faith that God would protect him and bring him to victory. By faith our weaknesses are turned into strength! David doesn't take any weapon or armour that Saul offered him, he chose to put on the whole armour of God. We can't make the mistake of thinking, though, that David is helpless and defenseless before Goliath. Don't forget, David is a tool, an instrument, a weapon, in the hands of God. And, he goes into battle with the name of the LORD on his lips. We give our giants too much power, thinking we can't...I can't. Being frightened and filled with fear brings us to inaction...kind of like the Israelites.
We all have Goliath's in our lives. The battles rage on and the devil gets a little toe hold when we are weak in body or spirit. We look into ourselves for strength, we look to our families and friends...but we have to remember that the battle is the Lord's and so is the victory. And there will be a victory...maybe not in what we feel is the perfect time frame...but our Father loves us and He will be faithful to us...we just have to be faithful to Him!
I sat up in the choir, the tears flowing, knowing that part of my problem is giving my battles to the Lord. I have even been holding in how things are to my family and friends who really want to pray for me and need to know what is going on. I feel defeated in this battle. I have just been grinning and bearing it ... alone sometimes. I am not alone, He is forever with me. But that pit of fear, that fear that the battle will rage on for a much longer time. The fear that nothing will ever get better, the fear that I will wear out my family and friends with my pain and suffering. Fear leads to defeat and I will not be defeated.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
We get to the hotel and from the outside it looked nice, but I had never been here. I saw a couple pictures online and made the reservation. We get up to our room and ohh wow! The 3 bedroom condo is soooo pretty. There is granite counter tops in each bathroom and in the huge kitchen. The balcony is huge and is ocean front. Each bedroom has a balcony that has a great view of the ocean.
The room is so nice, the views are beautiful, the weather is great...so much to make someone happy. But what made me and my heart smile the most was sitting around the table and enjoying hearing some of the Christian women in my life talking. Praising God for a safe trip, great room...and for each other. We got our PJ's on and turned in.
I am hurting but the trip is so worth it. I will get to see Leslie tonight, along with all my old church family. I can't wait. I have missed her soooo much, Burt and Colin too of course.
Tomorrow I am going to the hospital to see my friends and have some blood work done. I am excited to see them as well. I haven't been out shopping, I think I will wait until Scott is here. He is coming tomorrow sometime...him and John. I can't wait! I miss him so much.
I am excited for Jubilee tonight, I am hoping that tonight will be the beginning of a healing spree in my heart and soul and hopefully body too.
Ooo it is getting late, I better Iron!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
I had another MRI yesterday, due to increased pain, swelling and some spikes in temps. I have an old MRI pic, a pic of the one right before the infection presented itself...then the ones from yesterday. I can't really read them, but I was shown what the fluid was in the last MRI...obvious after I was told. So, I know that there is a big pocket of fluid this time too.
I am scared of course that there is something else going on...yet again. I know that God is in control...but that doesn't remove all the fear. I have been through so much, and that was in God's plan and it was scary!
I go tomorrow to talk to the doctor and I guess find out what is planned. I am seeing the ID (infectious disease) doctor and not my surgeon. I assume that he will call or send a message to my surgeon if there is something to worry about.
I don't want this to keep me from going to the beach next week. I need it, I have to have that rejuvination of my heart and soul. I need the comfort of close friends, best of friends and the spiritual touch of my church, my pastor. I have family and friends here, but my heart needs certain people ( will not mention names....they know who they are!) I can picture me now....just getting hugs and feel that bond that will never be broken...distance can't break it. I hope I don't cry too much...so emotional lately! Yep...crying right now.
Here are the pics of the 3 different MRI's:
Just before first surgery
This one was taken yesterday...what is that black blob???????????????
I dreamed we were in Myrtle Beach at our church. My mother was there, Leslie was there and we were out in the foyer and my mom was standing talking to Leslie and Leslie told her how excited she was that we were pregnant together. I don't think I new I was pregnant, but when I heard her say that to my mom I was like oh...yeah, then the pastor walked up and my mom said to him...thank you for praying for my baby to have a baby. He looked at us and Scott said yep, I am going to be a daddy soon. I looked down and rubbed my belly, and there wasn't a baby there that I could tell. I looked up at the pastor and he was smiling and I said..."They said I wouldn't have a child, that I was too old, too fat, too sick...but God has said different." He hugged me, never said a word just was smiling so big. Then I looked down and I had a preggo belly. Leslie was crying, my mom was too. Happy tears. We sat down in the sanctuary and then the pastor called me up to give my testimony and I went right up and waddled up the steps and told the church about all I had been through and how God had delivered me and now gave me my hearts desire - a baby. I was crying and the congregation was too. Then I started to sing Child of God. Then I woke up, looked down...no baby. It was all so real.
I don't understand why God lets me dream dreams like this. To feel a child of mine in my arms, so real that I smell the baby smells, I feel him in my arms and this last dream I felt him in my belly. Then to wake up and not want the dream to end so I keep my eyes closed, my body still for as long as possible to not lose that feeling. Then to really wake up and realize my arms are empty, my stomach never contained life. It always takes me a few days to get over these dreams...this one is still making me ache.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I know I am a Christian and that I shouldn't let satan have any control, but when you are weak in body, weak in spirit he gets a toe-hold and makes me think that I have to take care of these things, I have to make things worse most of the time by getting my own vengeance. Then, when I am on my knees (which isn't the easiest thing these days thanks to my back!) I hear that soft, warm voice drowning out the scruff, loud voice of satan. I know that I have to let my Father take care of me and anyone that sets out to hurt me, and am quickly reminded that vengeance is HIS. I am His child, and what parent would ever want to see their child hurting...none that I know of.
I was reading a blog of a friend and she has posted the rest of this post on her blog, she is such a gifted writer. I had read a lot of her blog already and then...this morning I went straight to this and it was like my shoulders got lighter and some of that peace I had been missing is right back where I need it. Thank you Lord for moving my eyes and fingers to this post, just when I needed it. A very dear friend told me, "Hope, I would think with all that the Lord is letting you go through, that any friend or family member that loves you would support you...not try to bring you down even further!" Then she so wisely said..."The devil knows you are weak and he is using them to try to hurt you and your testimony." After just writing that, I really realize now that she is right, and I should be praying that they open their eyes and see what satan is doing and how he is using them. I really love my friends and family so much...to a fault maybe. I give my opinions way to quickly and probably put my nose where it shouldn't be sometimes. Out of love, out of concern...but you know what they say about good intentions.
So I am giving it over to God and praying without ceasing for my friends and family that satan has a hold of! Here is the blog I read...very comforting!
It can be easy to get discouraged when those around you treat you unfairly. I say that from experience. There have been times in my life when people whom I thought were closest to me... people I shared a great deal of happiness with... actually changed their tune, mid-song. I used to get all upset about it, feeling as though I was the only one it had ever happened to. There were times when I wanted to take matters into my own hands, getting even with those who would do me wrong. But it's strange, how time works for our benefit sometimes. You learn things as you get older, as you mature.
Some of the wisdom I've gained, regarding this subject, comes from Psalm 37. The whole chapter assures us that God will take care of those who would mean to cause us harm. We don't have to fight back, because He promises to come to our defense. He won't let them continue to mistreat us, to take their stabs at us. He will cut them down, the Bible says.
Verse 7 tells us "...fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass."
And I especially take comfort in verse 13, where it says "The Lord shall laugh at him: for He seeth that his day is coming."
Verse 15 reminds us that "Their sword shall enter into their own heart, and their bows shall be broken."
We don't have to be in a physical, hands-on battle for this to apply. Sometimes our enemies cut us the deepest with their words, their actions, their attitudes. They often do outright hateful, spiteful things against us, to try and hurt us or cause us to stumble in our own walk. Therefore, according to Psalm 37:15, their very own words, actions, attitudes (these weapons they use for ill-will against us) will come back on them, bringing the destruction upon themselves, instead. I kinda like the thought of that.
I take comfort in knowing that the Lord has promised He will take care of them. He will deal with their spitefulness and disrespect. He will bring about the means by which they will cease their firing at us. And it's been my experience that when He does, they'll look back and wish they'd gotten their hearts right a lot sooner. It could be through a deathly illness, or through losing a loved one, that He passes His judgement.
I know what the Bible tells us about messing with God's anointed. He says, "Touch not mine anointed and do my prophets no harm." And anytime throughout Scripture the enemies have done so, God has unleashed His judgement upon them. Just like He promised, He cut them down.You may be asking why I'm sharing this here tonight. Well, perhaps God is giving someone, perhaps yourself, a reminder. Like I said, I've learned a great deal from personal experience (from both sides of the fence), and also in growing to a certain level of maturity from studying Scripture. I've learned that if you're pumped up full of pride and rebellion, you are not in the center of God's Will. He will burst that "big-head bubble" some how, some way. This could be your chance to turn things around by ceasing from your arrogant, self-willed actions... on your own... before He has to intervene.
Again, I've been on both sides of this, so I know first-hand you don't want to be "cut down" by God. Think about the thing that means absolutely the most to you. How would you feel if the Lord took that away? How awful would that be? All because you refused to obey Him. You can't believe part of His Word without believing it all. It has to be all or nothing. God sees your actions, and what's more, He sees what's inside your heart. He sees it, even if no one else does. And again, He will be the One to deal with you.
If this is you tonight, I pray you'll repent (turn your heart and attitude around), and make things right before another day passes, rather than have God intervene. Remember the Bible says... Surely your sins will find you out.
Monday, October 22, 2007
I hated to give her away but she was too much for inside the house. My mother in law brought me a puppy...YES LENA...haha, she got me a tiny puppy-an American Bulldog. It was love at first sight. Caleb wanted to name her Flower...ehh, so we decided Daisy was a flower...and she is white. So we have been training her with a crate and she has started already to scratch at the door to go out...sometimes to just play but most of the time to do her business. She is so smart I think. I am having to teach her not to bite, and so far she is learning.
Having her has really motivated me to get up more, she has to go out...eat, drink. She can go up and down the steps now so that is easier. I just love her. Henry is finally starting to play a little...not too much, but a little. He just walks by her and sticks his nose in the air like he is too good to play with a puppy.
John snuggling with her, and he doesn't even like dogs...yeah right!! He hogged her the whole time we were there!