Another MRI...

Would rather have another MRI every day than another dream that will never be a reality. I digress.

I had another MRI yesterday, due to increased pain, swelling and some spikes in temps. I have an old MRI pic, a pic of the one right before the infection presented itself...then the ones from yesterday. I can't really read them, but I was shown what the fluid was in the last MRI...obvious after I was told. So, I know that there is a big pocket of fluid this time too.

I am scared of course that there is something else going on...yet again. I know that God is in control...but that doesn't remove all the fear. I have been through so much, and that was in God's plan and it was scary!

I go tomorrow to talk to the doctor and I guess find out what is planned. I am seeing the ID (infectious disease) doctor and not my surgeon. I assume that he will call or send a message to my surgeon if there is something to worry about.

I don't want this to keep me from going to the beach next week. I need it, I have to have that rejuvination of my heart and soul. I need the comfort of close friends, best of friends and the spiritual touch of my church, my pastor. I have family and friends here, but my heart needs certain people ( will not mention names....they know who they are!) I can picture me now....just getting hugs and feel that bond that will never be broken...distance can't break it. I hope I don't cry too much...so emotional lately! Yep...crying right now.

DEEP BREATH!

Here are the pics of the 3 different MRI's:

Just before first surgery

This is just before the last surgery...when they found the infection.

This one was taken yesterday...what is that black blob???????????????

Peace....even for a short time is a blessing!

I read back through my last post and it lifted me today. I have taken two steps back it seems. Pain is back, I don't think it is as bad as it was just before this last surgery, but much worse than it was when I came home. I have rested, been restless of course. This has been such a long process...getting out to ride to the pharmacy or to a doctor visit is a high point of my days. My parents have been ill, and it made them nervous (and me too) for them to visit while they have had fevers. So, I have spent a lot of days alone while Scott is at work. Lena has came a few times and so has Lisa. Brad and Kita visit a lot which is such a blessing. They are expecting a child, I am so happy for them. They make such a great family already and I know Brad and Kita will make such great parents. They have already asked me to be their baby sitter, I quickly said YES YES YES. Kita wants to go back to work and I know they are such penny pinchers, I told them I wouldn't charge them a dime. Brad can just keep my grass mowed :).

There are others pregnant that I want to be excited for, I really do. But as I woke up this morning, AUNT FLOW here in full force...reminding me that I am not pregnant yet again (not that it would be possible this past 2 months...no exposure *SIGH*). I just don't understand my Heavenly Father giving the gift of a child to some people-some by accident, and my most fervent intense constant prayer to Him is to give me a child and yet...here I am, childless. I turn on the news, hearing how a mother killed her child, another shot her child with a shot gun, then herself. Countless abortions, It is hard to understand why not me, why God would give a child to someone who won't love it, who won't raise it according to God's will...and I would! It is a personal pain granted, but it isn't just my pain... I feel like I fail Scott. I feel his pain for wanting to be a father, even though he doesn't let me see it most of the time...I know him, I know his heart and I know it hurts him. I know my mother hurts for me, and I hate that she bears pain for me. She told me that if she could bear a child she would do it for me...that is an ultimate kind of love! My father, my mother in law and father in law, friends....they all hurt for me. I wish, I pray not just for my hurt to end...but theirs too.

That peace, though short lived, was a blessing. I crave it, I want it back...I don't know if it is the infertility pain creeping up again or it is the physical pain. I just don't know what is between me and the peace I felt. There are so many family issues going on. There is all the drama with Chris and his family. Chris is not seeking God's will but his own will. My family has dealt with a death and then the continuous split. I was upset about it very very much, but really it is sad now. I feel sorry for those involved. Most are taking it out on the entire family by not coming to family functions and not talking for whatever reason. I guess they don't realize that what they do and don't do not only affects themselves and other adults...but the children are missing out on so much. But...what can I do, I have finally realized I can't solve all my families and Scott's families issues. All I can do is pray for them, every day. Pray for forgiveness, humility and for some salvation. I am glad that God sustains the peace he has given me concerning at least my side of the family. I pray for that concerning Chris.

I just had almost a 2 hour talk with my mother, followed by a short but heartfelt talk with my dad. My mother ... if there are ever really saints on earth, she is one. With all of the pain she has been through recently, her faith never waivers and her advice is always from the heart and always God inspired. She is the strongest woman I know, she loves me so much - I wish I had always seen her through these eyes I have now. Growing up, I didn't feel the same way...typical growing daughter...saw every fault and none of her amazing traits.

I have had a very difficult day. I am having a reaction to the dressing that covers the PIC line. Blisters and a skin tear. I am taking Benadryl every four hours and I hope that it will keep me from scratching. My back is puffy again, nowhere like before, and not hot or anything. I have been spiking a temp almost every evening...after dealing with an infection like I have every little thing sends up a flag. My home health nurse said for me to keep a record of my temps for the doc. I go see my back doctor on Wednesday, hoping to get the staples taken out. I also see the infectious disease doctor that day. I am hoping my labs have been ok and maybe we can stop the antibiotics early. I will do whatever he says though, I don't want to take a risk at all. I see my primary doctor on Thursday and *sigh* I think I need something...I have this hopeless feeling lately since the pain has been coming back. I have never wanted to admit anything and take anything for that...I always felt strong enough in myself to handle things, always strong enough in God to handle things. Scott called him before this last surgery...when I was at bottom. But after the surgery when my doctor came in to talk to me about it...I was on cloud 9 and told him God had taken care of everything.

I want happiness, I want to be pain free, I want a child. I want my families whole and love and peace to abound with them. I want my friends to have every happiness. I pray for these things daily, and I know we are supposed to pray expecting God to answer.

I haven't lost faith, I haven't stopped praying...just that peace I had has dissipated and my oh my how I want it back. I know satan is trying his best to get me to question my Savior, wants me to feel alone and empty. He succeeds some of the time, but at the end of the day, when all is said and done...I know where my strength lies. I am human, I get overwhelmed just like anyone else. I feel pain and sometimes it just takes control and it takes me getting on my knees, praying and listening for that soft sweet voice in my soul telling me that He is here, He is in control and He does love me...even when I don't feel so loved.

I have so many blessings in my life. I have the most wonderful husband ever, wonderful parents who are there for me always, wonderful in-laws that love the Lord and love me. I have a renewed relationship with Amanda that has helped me grow and hopefully has helped her as well. I have friends, ohh such sweet friends. God blessed me with Leslie and Burt, I get all teary thinking about them and how much I miss them and Colin. I have great friends on-line too, sometimes I wonder where I would be without them. They are constant, they pray for me and are there for me any time I call out to them. Even with all their faults I have great brothers who love me, and would do anything for me. Brad is such a blessing to me, he will never know how deep my love is for him. He is always there for Scott and I and if I had a child I would pray he would be like him. I could go on and on but I would be here all night. But, I can tell you...listing my blessings makes some things seem not so significant. Maybe I should make a list every day!

Peace...sweet peace!

Whew...I have so much to tell you, hope I can get it all out. I know some of you know I went back into the hospital this past Thursday evening. (October 4th)

I went to the ER after much prodding from friends. I knew something was wrong but I just couldn't wrap my brain around something else happening.

It all started on Wednesday last week (October 3rd). I went in at 11 for an MRI, I can't drive so my mother in law took me back to her house I could rest there and she wanted to cook dinner for Scott and I. He could just come there when he got off work. I knew something was wrong that evening, I felt like I was running a fever, something just wasn't right. I fell asleep chilling on her couch and woke up out my sleep needing to vomit (sorry TMI). I couldn't eat and she made all my favorites. She couldn't find her thermometer,I got home and my temp was 101.6 I think and I went to lay down and my back just felt strange, it felt like it was swelling and it was hot and tender to the touch on and around the incision. I blew it off that I had been in that MRI for almost 2 hours. But the next morning after my fever broke violently...my hair was wringing from sweat...I looked at the site and it was red. My back was a bit more swollen and hard. I took a shower and after being up like that the swelling increased almost before my eyes (or hands...can't see my butt/back area). SOooooooooo I called my ortho and he said for me to go straight to the ER, I should have called him the night before or at least Wednesday morning. Yes, he yelled at me too.

I was so mad and felt like God had really left me alone, forgotten about me almost.

I didn't think they would keep me so I didn't even pack a bag...much to Scott's chagrin! We get to the ER around 330 and finally went back to a room about 530. I get back there, in so much pain from sitting up that long in the waiting area. I lay there for an hour before the nurse (NOT A GREAT ONE) came in and he asked a few questions and said the ER doc would be in in a few minutes. Another hour later my ER doc comes in. My doctor said if my white count was high to have the ER doc call to get me admitted. Well, the ER doc didn't want to...he thought I had a kidney infection. He barely looked at my back. I made him call my ortho doc and finally he admitted me. About 11 pm I go to a room. My docs PA comes in Friday morning while my ortho doc was in surgery and tells me my dr will be by later. About an hour later the nurse comes in telling me that they are taking me to x-ray for the radiologist to aspirate this pocket of fluid. That was when I talked to Kari, and I called for the nurse and told her that my whole back contours had changed since the MRI. He was the only one to see my back last week and it was completely normal. And now it is hard and swollen to my left hip and almost to my right! I said I will not do it until he sees me...she was a little miffed. It looked like 2 halves of a foot ball on each side...like I had two butts and trust me my one is enough!

My ortho doc comes in and he took one look and said oh my Hope. He stepped out then came back in and said that an aspiration won't do, that he will have to open it back up and remove any infected tissue and then wash it out with saline. He said that an infectious control doctor will come in to speak me and that I will have to have a PIC Line put in (iv put into a big vein that can be in for months) it is put in the upper arm...ugly thing. I will have to have antibiotics for 6 weeks. He told me he had to do it today, it couldn't wait so I had ate breakfast so my surgery was to be around 5...scared me just hearing that it HAD to be done!

I was at the lowest point in my entire life Friday morning. I was alone, Scott had left to go get me some things. I begged God to just take me, that I just couldn't handle all the crap I was putting all my family and friends through...I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I was second guessing my coming to the hospital, that ER doctor ringing in my ears that this was a kidney infection . Then when all the other happened (getting the real diagnosis) that almost sent me over the edge. I was crying when anyone called, came in...heck all alone I was having a pity party for one! I felt sooo alone, even with all the calls and emails and such. Thanks Kari for being silly and making me laugh a little too...you goob!

My dad had an appt to get his blood drawn and then he stopped in, he was so pale but he looked and sounded better. He was so sad for me. No one could hug or kiss me, I was on contact precautions. Scott did anyways, he wouldn't even wear the gowns and gloves and such...men. Dad wanted to hug me so bad, but he did hold my hands...through gloves of course and prayed over me. Ever since I was a little girl, when I was sick he would pray over me...I always call him to come or at least pray with me over the phone. I felt a little better, but still was so depressed about it all.

Scott's parents came and spent the rest of the night here, knowing that my parents couldn't be here...they sure filled in. John, his dad, always serious and stone faced, was so sweet and he took his gloves off to hold my hand and pray with me too. He cried!!! 5 o'clock was close, 6 came...no surgery yet, 630... I called the nurse and asked if they had forgotten and if so...I wanted a cheeseburger! haha.

They started to take me down about then, and here hobbles in my one legged pastor...well, my dads. He thought I would be done, but boy did I need to feel and hear him praying over me...just touched my soul! I sat down in holding for about another 1 1/2 hours.

I was still pretty down laying in holding, the nurse anesthetist was talking to me and she said, I don't know if this will help or make you feel better but Dr. Maxy is more than a great doctor, he is a great person, man and father...but he is mostly a good Christian man! Now I know some will think this is nuts, but I usually ask if my docs are a Christian...but I never have asked him...not only is he a Christian he was a pastor before becoming a doctor. It was just like my eyes opened, my heart immediately became lighter and I realized that everything was over, everything was going to be fine. She said that not only are his hands skilled by education and experience, but they are led by God. I am telling you girls right now, I thought God had left me I have never in my life felt so alone - looking back today it almost looks like I was in darkness, and in one short conversation I was overwhelmed with his presence and I was immediately OK! I felt him all over me telling me I have put enough on you, I have brought you as far as needed in this valley...mountain peaks are in store. I am here, ALL is well!

I went into the OR, he did the surgery and when I woke up in the recovery room I felt better mentally and spiritually than I have felt in years or maybe ever. My pain is unbelievably relieved. I still have the leg pain and some back pain but the pain that has immobilized me for weeks is gone.

I was told they opened me up and it just started pouring out. They used 6 liters of saline to wash all the infection out...and that he drained off 3 liters - YES 3 liters (like a 3 liter coke) of infection off. I was still draining so it was almost 4 liters by the time they removed the drain. Here is the Miracle (one of many I think)...he expected to have to remove infected tissue/muscle and go all the way to the spine. To his shock the incision acted as a dam, the infection pooled up on either side and just stayed between the skin and muscle! It was unreal to him and the staff. The infection isn't staph either, it was strep...much easier treated. He said all that fluid was causing me all this pain and with it gone, I am feeling so much better.

I know that there are reasons all of this is happening. I don't know what they are, but this all hasn't been for nothing. And I am not revived in my heart and head and body for no reason. I am not saying I won't ever have another pity party but I will tell you this....for this moment, this point in time my faith is over flowing, my happiness is more than it has been in a long time, my outlook on life is so much brighter. Owing all of this first to God, I know He hasn't left me or forsaken me...He promised He wouldn't. Second to Scott, without busting into tears again...he has been my rock and I know that he will always be there, if he can tough it through all of this...he can take anything. Third my family - even when in turmoil they still pull it out for me. Last, but not least by any means my friends. All of your prayers and calls really got me through so much.

I know the journey isn't over, but it is like I can see sky for the first time in a long time...we are coming out of the valley and are finally climbing to the mountain top. I haven't felt so optimistic in a long time. I know that sometimes climbing a mountain can be hard, and maybe the difficulties are not all behind me...but knowing that that mountain peak is soon to be my resting place will make any set backs insignificant!

If friends hadn't pushed me it could have been much worse, he said even waiting one more day could have made a big difference in what he found. You guys potentially saved my life, I can never repay you...ever. *SNIFFLES* I AM NOT GONNA CRY! He told me I could have even have been paralyzed if I had let it go longer.

Last thing I want to say, is - I don't know how I would have made it through without God and His grace and love. As a Christian it astounds me how others get through situations like this without Him. My faith wavered...no doubt, but it was like when HE knew I was too far He made his presence known. Like Kari said, those in your face *I AM HERE* by God are the best! At least for my simple mind. Do you know Him??

Do you? He is MY KING!

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

1 Peter 5:10 (New International Version)
10And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

***Wrote the rest after I got home***

I just got home and all I can say is AHHHHHHHhhhh AHhhhhhh my bed!...ahhhhhh my TV....and ahhhhhhhhh NO ONE ASKING IF I POOPED, PEED, DRANK, ATE!!

Thank you all for your prayers and for EVERYTHING, I can't tell you how much all of it meant and really there are no words that can say thank you enough.

I am so fortunate that it wasn't staph, it was a strain of strep...didn't, know you could get those anywhere but your throat . All of this could be so much worse, so blessed it wasn't. My friend that is a nurse that I have known a long time called me, she had saw dad at his blood draw and asked me how I was. I told her all about everything, the port the meds...all of it. She said ohh gosh Hope aren't you freaked out...scared to death. I thought about it for a minute...and last week I would have been, I was!

I don't think there is an explanation for perfect peace. I have tried to explain it to people, my words fumble and I just can't pull it all together. I don't know if it is explainable, just it is an experience! I am experiencing it right now. From Friday night I have felt as light as a feather, my heart is over flowing and my spirit is uncontainable. I hope it is a forever feeling! I KNOW without a shadow of doubt that God is in control....there is nothing these doctors or nurses or even me can do that can change that. So why worry?? Peace, that Peace that passes all understanding....that is it! I don't understand it, can't explain it but ohh goodness am I enjoying it.

I know I wrote that I will know why, when I get to heaven all answers will be there....but I was talking to a pastor today and he said the same thing, he will know why God chose to take his leg from him. I heard him say it then I said...you know what Pastor...when I get to Heaven....I just don't think that I will care why! I will be talking to my brother, talking to Jesus and Matthew, Mark, Luke and John....I just don't think I will even care about WHY God let me go through all of this!

Home health comes tomorrow to set me up with a pump and all the instructions and such for this 6 weeks of antibiotics.

Oh another praise....just full of them today! I was really stressed about the cost of the medicine, infusion care...all of that. I haven't worked since January and I already have a hefty monthly medicine bill, couldn't imagine how much this would be. We have had 3 surgeries, TONS of other expenses since I can't cook, Scott has been out a lot, GAS....just so much times have been tight. The home health nurse setting everything up at the hospital came in and I told her my concerns. She said I have options. I could come back every day to the hospital as an outpatient, but I will have to pay a co-pay every day like I would at a doctors. 40 bux a day...hmm, other option please...they would transfer me to a hospital closer to home and have to stay inpatient for 6 weeks She said, let me call the pharmacy have them run your insurance and see how much it will be. She came back and said that the pharmacy said my insurance said I had met my deductible and there won't be any out of pocket charge....ain't God good all the time!

***I went back to read some old posts and found this...and I can't wait to share all this with Pastor Freddie. All in God's time....HIS time, not mine! This is part of the post from August of last year. It was about a meeting with the pastor.

He said he had been burdened for me and that God gave him a verse to give to me...Isaiah 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. I read it and read it and wow...it started working!!

PERFECT PEACE! It all came full circle in a way. The song that night that I had the stroke was Child of God...Do NOT be afraid! I was, I thought I was in control....took a year, 4 hospitalizations and 3 surgeries to get the hint...HE is in control and I should never be afraid.

Here are the lyrics...

Child of God, do not be afraid.
Child of God, TRUST and obey.
He will walk with you in the way
Child of God do not be afraid.

Lost and wandering in a world of sin,
Why would God EVER take ME in?
A cry rang out...from Calvary's blood stained Hill,
Said CHILD I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL!

Time will pass and eye will start to fail.
Tired and weary life becomes so frail.
But, I'll not make this final walk alone,
The Lord will lead me to my heavenly home.

Child of God, do not be afraid.
Child of God, TRUST and obey.
He will walk with you in the way
Child of God do not be afraid.

Hold to God's unchanging hand.
Hold to God's unchanging hand.
Keep your hopes in things eternal,
Hold to God's unchanging hand.

CHILD OF GOD....DO NOT BE AFRAID!

I can't wait to see what HE has in store!

Time flies...when you're having a second surgery!

Yep....you read that right, second. On Friday August 24th, I picked up a computer cord that was on a box about knee high. I turned and walked 2 steps and POP....something popped, later found out it was the remainder of the disc rupturing. I cried out for Scott he came running, shaking when he got there and he basically carried me to the bed. I thought I could take pain meds and just sleep it off, the pain was the worse EVER. I cried all night - taking multiple pain pills and phenergan as I was so nauseated from the pain. I got out of bed Saturday morning and somehow took a shower and then made it to the ER after calling the ortho doc. I get there and I can't sit so they have to get a stretcher and wheel me that way into the ER.

I got so frustrated while in the ER. The ortho doc already said they would admit me, I told the ER doc that and he seemed to ignore me. He came in and said he would give me something for pain and send me home until I could have another MRI on Monday. I said WOAH...I can't even sit on a commode to pee...I can't walk, I can't lay...pain pills worked like tic tacs! I asked if he called the ortho and he said no, I took a deep breath and asked him to PLEASE call and about 5 minutes later they were coming in to put IV in and get me on a pain pump (Morphine) and get me up to a room. The morphine pump started every 20 minutes I could get meds....finally down to every 10 minutes. I couldn't pee...they put me on a bed pan and do you know how hard it is to lay down and pee??? I couldn't get a drop out so they put in a catheter...of course I had a male nurse that night...EEEK

Susie was such a God-send. She knew all the nurses on the floor and while I know they are great nurses and probably treat everyone great...they really went over board with me. I got such a great treatment while there, Catawba is my hospital of choice! The ortho doc came in and said the ER doc told him I wasn't having pain down my legs so he ordered a CT and x-ray...I said WHAT??? I told him everything I told the ER doc...pain down my leg was excruciating! He got as frustrated with the ER as I did...and then ordered an MRI with contrast. They did it and the disc had ruptured and I needed immediate surgery. Dr. Maxy had 13 surgeries on Monday...I didn't want to be 14...so on the 28th I had a second surgery. The excruciating pain was gone at first. I came home and it got worse. It has finally evened out...but I can't do anything alone. I have to use a walker to get anywhere. The doctor said I could NOT sit for more than 5 minutes, recline for more than 30 and to walk only as tolerated with the walker. So I am in bed for 30 days pretty much.

Mom stays here through the week and takes care of me...she has been so wonderful. She and Lisa bathed me when I got home....I can now take my own shower...it is rough but getting better. I hate being in bed, but I am not going to go against the doctor....I want to get better.

I have gotten so many calls, cards, packages and so many prayers going up for me. I get in the dumps easy, but I know it is because I am stuck in bed...but my family and friends have really been here for me. I am so blessed.

Scott is amazing...he has done things he probably never thought he would do. He cleaned up puke, bathed me, wiped me, changed bandages...so much and never once complained.

Ooo it is late, gotta get to sleep...just wanted to update a little.

Long time...no post...sorry

Sorry that I haven't been keeping up on my blog lately. It has been difficult to sit for any real period of time and that alone is discouraging. My back is not any better really, makes me think the surgery is a bust. The doctor called me to check up on me and is is disappointed as well. I see him on the 28th, he said we will see what is next then...possibly more surgery.

I don't know how much more of this I can handle...thank God I have Scott...and thank God I have GOD! These two are who get me through it all.

Enough of that...

We visited a church on Sunday, we had never been there. We walked in and they had a new sanctuary with two screens behind the choir and all...we were like oooo looks similar to Grand Strand...the similarities stopped there. While people were nice, the church just felt dead - nothing moved either of us. I miss our church, I miss our friends...we both left the church with tears thinking about what we left in Myrtle Beach. We are craving that Spirit, that familiarity, fitting in, music...all the things that we miss from our Church in Myrtle Beach. But, this did make us want to search harder and maybe look outside of Morganton.

We bought a car...a Ford Explorer. It wasn't my first choice, but we like it. We had to send it to get a little something fixed, we were given a loaner - a Toyota Camry...and it reaffirmed that I can't have a low car ever again - well not while I am hurting like this. It was miserable trying to get in and out.

We are still working hard to find Scott a job closer to home. That drive is crazy, more so than I ever thought. At least in Myrtle Beach he had no mountain to climb.

Other than all that, I am ok, just plugging along.

I got kisses over the phone from Colin last night...so sweet. I miss them sooooooo much, bad back or not...September I am going to go see them!

Guess that is it... later

Home...healing

I came home Monday evening around 7. It was such a long day on Monday, the stress test was NEGATIVE...thank You Lord! I was so glad to be home, to be in my own bed. An overnight stay turned into a 5 night ordeal. But, as I sat waiting during my stress test, it hit me things could be worse. A man was hit by a train and was brought into the department I was waiting in...he was barely alive, all bloody and not breathing on his own. I could have been hit by a train, or never woke up. I am so blessed to be home with my family!

I had a rough 2 nights, but today was better. Mom has been here since I came home and wow...hard to believe that a month or so ago I was doing all this for her. She has been cooking and keeping me company making sure I don't do toooo much. I love her!!

I had a really rough day on Tuesday. I got a migraine...no THE migraine of migraines. I haven't hurt so badly in a long time. I had daddy, mom and Debbie to pray over me and thought wow I wish Louise and Lori were here, and what do you know...8 0'clock here they came. Within an hour of them (all of them) praying over me I was feeling better. Amazing is the power of prayer.

My back...well, is no better, actually worse than before surgery but I have hopes that some improvement will come. I have another appointment with him August 28th.

And as if things couldn't get worse...aunt Flow (period) has decided to rear her ugly head!

Long story...

Short version!

I can't sit here very long so I will make this short and...well, just short.

I am still in the hospital, I am going home tomorrow I HOPE. Still having a lot of pain but not as bad as yesterday morning but still worse than before the surgery. He has me on some high powered steroids for the inflammation, which he thinks is causing the pain and such. They seem to be working but my sugars have been really high reaching 597 at one point. They are giving me insulin to help with that.

Thank you for all the visits, calls, flowers and prayers...they mean so much. I can't wait to be home to be in my own bed and to wear my own clothes.

He still believes things will be better and I do too. He was very disappointed that I am not doing better, but he said his hope and prayer is that things will get better soon. He discussed the possibilities of this being a scenario before the surgery but said it was very unlikely to happen...only 5-10% of patients have this type of outcome. I should have warned him about my recent luck :)

Misti, thank you for the call yesterday, I talked to mom and she said you had called her too. I really appreciate you calling your dad for me too...I was so sad that I hadn't heard from him and it hit me that he could be out of town and was so glad to hear he was. He called back again this morning, he always makes me smile. He did say he has cut his finger really bad and was gonna find some duct tape to fix it right up LOL. I love you...and you could have let me live in fantasy thinking Lil was saying HOPE in the background haha..jk, one day SOOON she will be saying it over and over!

Today's the day..

I am not toooo nervous, but as the time ticks closer I can feel palpitations :) Thank you all for your prayers and I know HE will get me through this.

Peace...

Tomorrow

Is the big day! I went for pre-op yesterday and had the other MRI. If anything is worse or changed, he will call today and discuss it...otherwise I will see him tomorrow at 11. I am nervous, but I have faith that this surgery will make all the difference.



Twice we have found a car that we wanted but had to talk about it and went back the next morning and it is gone! SOO frustrating. So we are still down a car and Scott will have to go on his own after my surgery to look. He found the VW on his own, so I am sure he can do this too.



I went to church with mom and dad on Sunday, Tommy and Little John and Korey were there too. I took a song to sing just in case, and they asked me to sing. I walk up to the front, and being as I can't feel anything in my right foot I didn't realize I hadn't cleared the alter and tripped...yep my greatest fear happened. I hope my skirt stayed down *UGH*. I scraped and bruised my leg, but I did sing. I probably sounded horrible, it hurt soooo bad. I sang I bowed on my knees and cried Holy. Mom loves that song and it was one I felt led to sing.



I have been battling the devil lately, he has made me feel overwhelmed, made me feel like God is putting more on me than I can handle. God is going to get me through this surgery and take away my pain, God will deliver us from this accident and make everything ok, He will make a way for children, He will direct us to a church, He is FAITHFUL!!



I withdrew from a lot of things, the devil got me to think I needed to handle things on my own. He does that! He really made me think that things would be easier if I just drew from my own strength not involve friends and family or God. My strength is nothing without those three resources. My friends can sympathize and empathize, they can be impartial and caring and give the best advice. My family are my rock, Scott and the rest unconditionally love me and will be there for me if and when I need them. And God is my everything, He is THE One! I just have to remember that my strength isn't me, it is within me. My family, friends and God are IN me and I have to draw from that not from self.



I really appreciate all the emails and calls during this time, it has meant a lot to know that I am thought of :)

Ever feel...

Like you just can't take one more thing? I know that everyone has issues...but lately I swear I have more issues than Time Magazine! Infertility, family, wreck...ohh goodness I could go on and on. Sometimes I have to wonder what I have done to warrant all these things that are soooo difficult in my life. Some days I can just look up and really believe that God won't give me too much, that He knows my limits...but today, I am feeling like my cup is over flowing...and not the cup of blessings. All of these difficulties make the blessings harder and harder to recognize.

Just please say a prayer for me tonight, my heart, mind, body and spirit feels so weary. Scott thinks that this surgery will really make me feel better and if I don't have to deal with all the pain that the rest might not seem so bad. I hope he is right. I have been praying, but things seem to be spiralling and it is like He isn't hearing my prayers....I know I am being dramatic, but every day something else gets piled on.

July 25th

That is the date of my surgery. I have to go on the 23rd for pre op. I am nervous, but hopeful that this will be my cure all. I have faith in my doctor, he has such a great personality and seems very smart. He seems very concerned and feels he can really help me. I hope so, I pray so.

There has been so much going on lately, my life has been crazy. I think about why these things have happened. I wonder if God is testing us, if me starting to sing has ticked the devil right off and he is making things around me hectic. I have no clue about the why's. But...I do know God will take care of me...of us. He has a reason for everything and I have to cling to that.

I do know all my prayers about my family are being heard. I can feel my relationship with some family getting back to normal. Maybe better than normal...smiles.

Funny how I can accept things...to most would seem worse than infertility, but that is the one thing that until I am face to face with my God...I probably won't understand.

Dear Precious Lord, please forgive me for any shadows of doubt that has entered my mind and heart, forgive me for anything that might hinder my prayers. You are faithful to take care of me. Please be with my family as this turmoil continues, grant peace to each of them and let them see Your power to make things right. Jesus, be with Ellen as she works hard to take care of her bills, please give her a job close to her family so we can share our lives. If it be Your will dear Lord, please let a good Christian man come into her life and be the one she will share it with until You come to take us all home. Precious Saviour please touch Scott's back, let it be something they can fix with medications or therapy. Help us find the right car for us, help the insurance adjusters expedite all the paperwork so this ordeal is put behind us. Be with the doctors as they decide how best to take care of my back and other health issues. Ohhh sweet Jesus, please be with Leslie as she begins this new pregnancy, let it be a girl...she needs a girl Lord. Ease her morning sickness and give her that peace that everything will be fine. Make a way for us to get together soon, I need her...You gave her to me as a forever friend, one I can be myself with fully. Take care of Burt and Colin as well. Be with all my friends on FC, Clark has been sick Lord, touch his sweet ears. Robyn has been in the throws of buying a house, and also preparing for another IVF. Michelle, her and Jared are expecting really soon, You blessed them with this baby, make the delivery easy and the baby healthy. Shannon has been dealing with a lot lately, please let things settle down for her. Be with all the girls there, they deserve Your blessings Lord. Let them all know they can lean on You, let them see You through me Jesus. Grant Kari's desire to become a mother again, she is so faithful Lord, she loves You with all her heart and knows it is Your will that has to be done and in Your time. Be with Lily as she teethes again, give Misti and Brady all they need to comfort her and ease her pain. Lastly Lord, keep touching my sweet Mom, touch her lungs and let her get off the oxygen. Take care of Dad too, he is worried so much about mom. Dear Lord, I know I have asked for so much here tonight, but I know You can do it all and more. Thank You for all the blessings you have given to me, be with us dear Lord, strengthen us so we can better serve You. I ask all of this in Your precious Name....Amen

Back Surgery...approaches!

Yesterday I went to see Dr. Maxi, he was very nice and very concerned. He looked at the MRI and he showed me what is causing my pain and numbness and pins and needles. He tested my leg strength, was concerned with how weak my toes and foot and leg is. He suggested SURGERY EEEEK. But, I sorta expected it...my other back doctor wanted to do it but I put it off.

So here I am, waiting for the girl to call me back with some info. It will either be next Friday or the following Monday. He put ASAP on the order, so I knew it would be within the next 2 weeks. She called and asked me my preference and said she would call me back after lunch with the details.

I am nervous, but more anxious to get this pain gone. He said that 90ish % of patients pain will be gone, he is worried about how long I have let this go. That the nerve damage may be permanent. That scares me, I can't deal with this for the rest of my life...ugh.