I read back through my last post and it lifted me today. I have taken two steps back it seems. Pain is back, I don't think it is as bad as it was just before this last surgery, but much worse than it was when I came home. I have rested, been restless of course. This has been such a long process...getting out to ride to the pharmacy or to a doctor visit is a high point of my days. My parents have been ill, and it made them nervous (and me too) for them to visit while they have had fevers. So, I have spent a lot of days alone while Scott is at work. Lena has came a few times and so has Lisa. Brad and Kita visit a lot which is such a blessing. They are expecting a child, I am so happy for them. They make such a great family already and I know Brad and Kita will make such great parents. They have already asked me to be their baby sitter, I quickly said YES YES YES. Kita wants to go back to work and I know they are such penny pinchers, I told them I wouldn't charge them a dime. Brad can just keep my grass mowed :).
There are others pregnant that I want to be excited for, I really do. But as I woke up this morning, AUNT FLOW here in full force...reminding me that I am not pregnant yet again (not that it would be possible this past 2 months...no exposure *SIGH*). I just don't understand my Heavenly Father giving the gift of a child to some people-some by accident, and my most fervent intense constant prayer to Him is to give me a child and yet...here I am, childless. I turn on the news, hearing how a mother killed her child, another shot her child with a shot gun, then herself. Countless abortions, It is hard to understand why not me, why God would give a child to someone who won't love it, who won't raise it according to God's will...and I would! It is a personal pain granted, but it isn't just my pain... I feel like I fail Scott. I feel his pain for wanting to be a father, even though he doesn't let me see it most of the time...I know him, I know his heart and I know it hurts him. I know my mother hurts for me, and I hate that she bears pain for me. She told me that if she could bear a child she would do it for me...that is an ultimate kind of love! My father, my mother in law and father in law, friends....they all hurt for me. I wish, I pray not just for my hurt to end...but theirs too.
That peace, though short lived, was a blessing. I crave it, I want it back...I don't know if it is the infertility pain creeping up again or it is the physical pain. I just don't know what is between me and the peace I felt. There are so many family issues going on. There is all the drama with Chris and his family. Chris is not seeking God's will but his own will. My family has dealt with a death and then the continuous split. I was upset about it very very much, but really it is sad now. I feel sorry for those involved. Most are taking it out on the entire family by not coming to family functions and not talking for whatever reason. I guess they don't realize that what they do and don't do not only affects themselves and other adults...but the children are missing out on so much. But...what can I do, I have finally realized I can't solve all my families and Scott's families issues. All I can do is pray for them, every day. Pray for forgiveness, humility and for some salvation. I am glad that God sustains the peace he has given me concerning at least my side of the family. I pray for that concerning Chris.
I just had almost a 2 hour talk with my mother, followed by a short but heartfelt talk with my dad. My mother ... if there are ever really saints on earth, she is one. With all of the pain she has been through recently, her faith never waivers and her advice is always from the heart and always God inspired. She is the strongest woman I know, she loves me so much - I wish I had always seen her through these eyes I have now. Growing up, I didn't feel the same way...typical growing daughter...saw every fault and none of her amazing traits.
I have had a very difficult day. I am having a reaction to the dressing that covers the PIC line. Blisters and a skin tear. I am taking Benadryl every four hours and I hope that it will keep me from scratching. My back is puffy again, nowhere like before, and not hot or anything. I have been spiking a temp almost every evening...after dealing with an infection like I have every little thing sends up a flag. My home health nurse said for me to keep a record of my temps for the doc. I go see my back doctor on Wednesday, hoping to get the staples taken out. I also see the infectious disease doctor that day. I am hoping my labs have been ok and maybe we can stop the antibiotics early. I will do whatever he says though, I don't want to take a risk at all. I see my primary doctor on Thursday and *sigh* I think I need something...I have this hopeless feeling lately since the pain has been coming back. I have never wanted to admit anything and take anything for that...I always felt strong enough in myself to handle things, always strong enough in God to handle things. Scott called him before this last surgery...when I was at bottom. But after the surgery when my doctor came in to talk to me about it...I was on cloud 9 and told him God had taken care of everything.
I want happiness, I want to be pain free, I want a child. I want my families whole and love and peace to abound with them. I want my friends to have every happiness. I pray for these things daily, and I know we are supposed to pray expecting God to answer.
I haven't lost faith, I haven't stopped praying...just that peace I had has dissipated and my oh my how I want it back. I know satan is trying his best to get me to question my Savior, wants me to feel alone and empty. He succeeds some of the time, but at the end of the day, when all is said and done...I know where my strength lies. I am human, I get overwhelmed just like anyone else. I feel pain and sometimes it just takes control and it takes me getting on my knees, praying and listening for that soft sweet voice in my soul telling me that He is here, He is in control and He does love me...even when I don't feel so loved.
I have so many blessings in my life. I have the most wonderful husband ever, wonderful parents who are there for me always, wonderful in-laws that love the Lord and love me. I have a renewed relationship with Amanda that has helped me grow and hopefully has helped her as well. I have friends, ohh such sweet friends. God blessed me with Leslie and Burt, I get all teary thinking about them and how much I miss them and Colin. I have great friends on-line too, sometimes I wonder where I would be without them. They are constant, they pray for me and are there for me any time I call out to them. Even with all their faults I have great brothers who love me, and would do anything for me. Brad is such a blessing to me, he will never know how deep my love is for him. He is always there for Scott and I and if I had a child I would pray he would be like him. I could go on and on but I would be here all night. But, I can tell you...listing my blessings makes some things seem not so significant. Maybe I should make a list every day!