It just seems everywhere I look, someone is getting pregnant, is having a baby, has had a baby. Babies and pregnant women are just everywhere. Or is it me? I guess to a pregnant woman or a mother it isn't so apparent. I wear these glasses that filters life for me...and those glasses make anything baby related clear as a bell and some things that to most have nothing to do with a baby I can still make that association. People who have had little or no problems having a child, or really anyone not battling infertility can't wear my glasses, even if they tried...and many well-meaning family and friends have tried.
They have their own struggles I know, but when you are denied your hearts desire, that one thing that has left you incomplete it changes you. I am so different than I was 10 years ago -granted we all change, but infertility has changed me not just every day life. Wanting a certain job, car or whatever material thing can't even compare to the longing for a child. I am not saying that anyone elses desires are not valid, but it all comes back to how where I am skews my view of other things. And unless you are in this particular struggle you will never ever truly know these feelings. You can sympathize but it is empathy that really makes you know - you have to be here. This isn't coming out how I wanted I don't think...all sounded clearer in my head.
It is really hard to explain, especially to someone who hasn't been where I am. Some days, it comes easy - I have other things going on in my little world that distracts me from it on occasion. But, every day I wake up with it...knowing that I don't have to get up to feed my child or get them ready for school, every day those and similar thoughts run through my mind. I get up and do my normal things and something on TV or in a magazine stems a thought of my child - or lack thereof. Scott comes home and dinner for two, no patter of little feet running to hug his legs and welcome their daddy home. I open the mail - Christmas cards from friends and family - most with a family picture with their children. Will I ever send out cards with more than our animals and us in the family picture? I go to bed wrapped up in it...no worry about a storm scaring my child into the middle of our bed...maybe a cat, but not a child. I don't have a bedside monitor to fall asleep to the sounds of my child breathing and moving in their bed.
I know that being where I am makes me look at the world differently. Some people don't understand that, they take it as ignoring them or being rude or just being stand offish. Some days I just can't even bring myself to answer the phone or call out to anyone else - not because of them...because infertility makes me selfish with my life I guess. I want to keep my pain and suffering tightly gripped in my own hands, I want to keep it to myself...personal, so maybe no one else can even feel the tiniest bit sorry for me or feel an ounce of my own personal pain. (I guess posting a public blog might defeat that huh...not that many read it though...so all is safe). Other than a few friends who have been where I am, or are there with me right now...I keep my hell pretty secret. Maybe it isn't as much being selfish with my life as it is sort of protecting those I love. For instance - I have a friend...she is the closest person to me in my real every day life...closest and yet she lives 4 hours away :(. We have talked about my 'problem' many times and she gets it, while she hasn't had problems getting pregnant - she feared she would due to thyroid cancer treatments and such. Our time is precious together, we don't get to see each other much but the last thing I want to do is damper our time with my tearful, painful most life consuming issue. Trust me I could get talking about it and have us both crying. She has a son, a job, a husband, a baby on the way and so much family drama...sometimes we compare and sometimes hers is worse than mine and vice versa - believe that or not! I want us to laugh and make memories together, not have a pity party. I love her so much, and I know...I know she hurts for me....she is that kind of friend. I don't want to rain on our time and she has heard it all before....it never changes it seems. So maybe it is selflessness rather than selfishness....makes me feel a little better haha.
With some other family and friends though...it is self preserving that I don't talk about it with them. They say asinine things that infuriate me and while I know they really aren't trying to hurt me...it does, so for most that discussion is off the table completely.
Not sure where all of this came from. I just feel like sometimes people who don't get it just think I am so self involved. They don't see infertility as that big of a deal. Turn 39 and see how big it is when you really feel like the tick tock of your clock is going to burst your ear drums!
On another note, I think I am finally getting normal cycles. I lost a few pounds since all these surgeries and my cycle has been the most normal than it had in my entire life. It has varied by only 3 days in length - big deal when one month I would have my period every 14 days and then 3 months later go 13 months without one. All of this sounds great huh? Umm try making love with the issues I have going on with my back. If I were to get pregnant *rolling my eyes...almost giggled* this baby wouldn't be the result of a wonderful intimate time with my sweet dear husband....ugh, I won't even explain that haha...he will kill me!
So I have started charting again - being proactive can't hurt huh? I can say that when I didn't chart, didn't write anything down I was less stressed. Waking up every morning taking my temp before I even turn over, checking my cervical mucous, writing everything down, obsessing over every twinge and symptom....what was I thinking? I was thinking - I would do anything - beg, steal or borrow to have a child, I was thinking it will be all worth it for two lines on a pregnancy test, I was thinking if this was the month it would be a Christmas miracle and a wonderful present for Scott's 40th birthday. I was thinking if I don't try, I can't hope. I was thinking if God answered my prayer with a yes then next Christmas would be the best ever. I was thinking....mommy, I want to be called mommy.
Hi baby, today you are all I think about...not unlike most days. I know it is a little crazy to write to you and you are still just a dream or a prayer. I have wrote to you a lot, just not here. Your daddy doesn't even know that. Speaking of him, and I may be biased but he will be the best daddy ever. He will teach you so many things and share so many of the things he loves with you. Your daddy loves to fish, he got that from your great granpa I think. He will tell you stories of how they went fishing for flounder on the Outer Banks. But your Poppy, my daddy shared his love of fishing with me too...and with your daddy. I can't wait to take you to Santee fishing - I have so many pictures and memories of that lake to share with you. And don't tell your daddy, but I am a better fisherman than he is. I have more patience. I would go out all day with my dad fishing...probably not to fish as much as just to spend time with him. Your daddy is a computer whiz and I am sure he will show you all he knows. And in no time you can beat him at his own video games. I know you will love Christmas just like him, he will show you all the magic of Christmas...along with the main reason for the season - our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Your daddy is such a kid at Christmas - he would make our house a landing pad of lights if I let him. Your daddy loves loves loves to read, anything really but he loves sci-fi stuff. I love to read too, but it is all kinds of things...I hope you get that love from your mommy and daddy. Your daddy tries to sing...but don't let him...bless his heart. I try to sing too, I get that from your MeMaw Ruby and brothers. First thing your MeMaw will want to teach you is about Jesus, she loves Him as much as your mommy and daddy do. She will teach you to pray and sing Jesus loves me and Deep and Wide. I hope you learn to play the guitar like uncle Johnny or Uncle Todd - they are going to spoil you so much I believe. Your uncle Tommy is good at anything with his hands. Your Uncle Mark is in Heaven but he could play the piano like no one else and that boy was the jokester of the family - I will make sure you know all about him. Your MawMaw Lena she is going to teach you about anything crafty - but don't let her scare you about bugs and such ... she is so funny. She will teach you to cook and all sorts of things. Your PawPaw Herman..umm John will be so much fun, he is great with his hands and maybe will do some wood working with you. He is a big ole kid, don't tell him how much I love him though - he will get a big head. Oh did I mention your daddy loves to mess with cars...so much your daddy likes to do I am sure you will never be bored. I have dreamed about you so many times, most of the times you were a boy in my dreams....we have picked out Isaac if you are a boy and we keep going back and forth on a girls name...but it will be perfect. Your middle name will be a family name. I love you and want to feel you for real in my arms. You are all mine no matter if you were born of my womb or of my heart. There is so much family things you will enjoy and I can tell you this...I will be the best mommy ever to you. You are the desire of my heart, unlike some you weren't an 'oops', you weren't thought about one day and were in my belly the next. I have dreamed, wished, prayed, longed for you for over 16 years. The last 5 or so years we have even went to some extremes to bring you into our lives. I will cherish every kiss, every hug, every giggle or cry. Every sweet thing you do will be written down, every love note kept with your daddy's. I will kiss you every night and tell you I love you every day. My baby, you have been in our hearts for so long that when you are in our arms we may never want to let you go. I believe in you, not like the tooth fairy or Santa...I believe in you like I believe in God, in Jesus...I have never seen them but I have felt them - I know they are real...just like I know you are real. Your mommy loves you and can't wait to meet you...and you can take your time....I guess. I have waited this long, I guess this should be on your time huh? Your daddy loves you too, as much as I do...he tears up every time there is something that reminds him you are not here. Soon my baby, my precious child he will touch you and hold you and protect you. Soon. All my love, your Mommy.
I guess letters like this says I still have hope even when I feel hopeless.