Monday, December 03, 2007

Random post

For those who sincerely believe in Jesus Christ as their Savior - this short, trouble filled life on Earth will be the closest thing to Hell we will ever experience ... but for those who don’t believe, this life will be the closest thing to Heaven . . .

I read that today and it gave me chills. I pray so hard for family and friends who can't say I am a sinner saved by grace. It breaks my heart that one day...and I feel that day will be sooooon, I will be in Heaven and will know they are not there. Life is so fleeting, how did this year go by so fast and 2008 is around the corner!!!

Every day is different, the level of pain is pretty consistent but I have started to learn how to to stand, how to even lay and the pain is still there but not as sharp and not tear-producing. It means I guess that I can tolerate most things, and to a point function a little better. Mondays and sometimes Tuesdays are better days - because my soul and heart are refreshed on Sunday and it carries over. But usually by Wednesday I am a big fat sad sack again looking at all the trials and physical/emotional/ pain I am dealing with. That sly devil sure knows my time schedule Friday he has me spinning in circles sometimes.

Yesterday the pastor preached on Revelation 20:10 - And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever. AMEN AMEN AMEN...he has put me through enough and he deserves this and I hope for one minute I can look at him and go neener neener!

I am so tired, I don't know what to do other than to pray and to keep my eyes on Him. It is so hard though, every movement almost producing pain. I am tired of complaining, as much as some are tired of hearing about it. I have really tried not to even talk to people about it anymore...I know they are sick of it! People are you and I quickly say fine...they are well meaning I am sure but they REALLY don't wanna know!

Christmas is coming, I want to share it with our this point by any means. I question if we will be able to adopt with my health as it is...who would want to give a child to someone like me???? Why is it when you are feeling as low as seemingly possible you think of all these things? My birthday is next month and I will be 39...yes, 39 and I am screaming inside...we have waited TOOO long, it is over we will never be parents....not only are we too old - oh my gosh how would I take care of a child when I can't take care of myself...which makes all this even worse because I want to know why God would allow this all to be on my plate. UGH...pity party over...pick your coats up at the door.

I know this is a mish mash of thoughts and feelings...woke up to that time of the month and it is just another reminder I am not a mother. I tried to bend over to pick up the dog and it isn't happening...SIGH.

OK, gotta get this day to get my house ready for Christmas...dinner is here this year. I have to get all the rooms perfect - or close to it so I won't be so stressed that week before. I also need to send out some invites and call some people. Mom isn't up to doing it and the house there isn't ready sooooooo Hello me! I don't mind though, excited that Daddy's brother and his wife and family are wanting to participate!

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