One day at a time

I never dreamed I would get so much support. It humbles me and it brings healing.

I don't know if this rebecca is the same as the one quite a few have sent me pictures, info about. I am going to send a picture to my friends daughter who actually met her and see what she thinks. From the picture I have (side shot of her face with glasses - can't really tell much), it doesn't look the same - but it is so hard to tell. I remember when all the April Rose stuff was happening. That won't happen to me. Never - NEVER say NEVER!!

Scott and I had to get out of the house. Had to get away from all the gifts and his room and all the reminders of Isaac. Sunday we should have been on the way to IL. His bag was packed. His blanket from his grandmother was laying across his bag. We reluctantly went to a family pig picking (I consider Gary family). It was hard. Tears fell. The pig picking in the spring - Scott and I couldn't wait for the fall one hoping we would be home with our son. We sat with family, all their kids. It was hard. Thank God for big sun glasses. My brother Todd came and hugged me, he just let me cry. Lisa, my sister in law was so tender and loving. A lady, who was the secretary from my elementary school came and hugged me. A girl I went to school with at Salem was there. I hadn't seen her in years and years, but 4 days earlier I saw her at Fatz and we caught up some - me telling her all about our trip and God blessing us with a son. Her face quickly drained and like most, she didn't have much more to say but I am so sorry. Fortunately, the story got around so most didn't ask.

We went home, home to the place where we expected to hear him cry for his bottle, have his first laugh, say his first words. I sat there and the silence really was deafening. I thought I would go to bed early and the pain would just go away. Instead, I lay there thinking about Rebecca and trying to make truth out of her lies. Trying to figure out how I am wrong and she really is giving us Isaac. All of it ended with anger and tears.

I even text her at one point that we would be there. Knowing we wouldn't, but I wanted to put a little fear into her. This was in response to her asking me if I wanted her to send pictures after he was born on my phone! I said no, we would be there and you would have thought I zapped her with a tazer. She shot back a text so fast, telling me she needs to know for sure so she can put me on the list at the hospital or I wouldn't be able to see the baby or her. WHAT!?!?! I said FOR SURE! Put us on the list. Then I reminded her that the patient advocate had already told me she would have Scott and I a room if the L&D wasn't full. She said we would see. I told her that way we both could have quality time with Isaac. She then told me that I was being pushy!!!! That she hasn't signed anything yet and she could spend all the time she wanted with him - I think she was believing her own lies!! She never sent another text.

Monday morning I couldn't resist telling her it was cold in IL - that wasn't a lie! Nothing from her. So finally I sent her one that said I guess you know I know by now. Nothing. So after that, repeatedly through the day I sent her the theme song to Cops - "Bad boys, bad boys...whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you!" I did that a few times today too. Nothing in return.

Also Monday, we couldn't handle the house anymore and quickly packed a small bag and headed in the rain to Asheville to just hang out over night. As we were heading out, we stopped to pay the power bill. Scott handed her the bill and payment and she said, "Ohh so when is it ya'll are heading to get your baby?". Ahhhhhhhhhh So the trip was good. No one in the mountains knew us, knew we were crumbling inside. We ate good and went to the hotel. Us time rules.

Monday was one of those days where you know where you are, you recognize things around you but you just are a walking zombie of sorts. Monday he was supposed to be born! We thought by the evening we would be holding our son. Feeding him and loving on him. Sending a gazillion pictures to friends and family. Yet, here we stood in a strange city...empty.

When we woke up to head out Tuesday, the sun was out. It was warmer. The colors of the changing leaves just was amazing. This had to be a better day. We got on the Blue Ridge Parkway and drove for over 8 hours. Scott did about 4 and I did the rest. We ended up in Virginia. It was a great day. We got on interstate 77 heading towards Morganton and it hit me, then Scott. He is in our house, every corner. I can't go in there today. I can't go home. We are sleeping in a Wingate hotel right now on the outskirts of Charlotte. Tomorrow. Tomorrow we pack it all up and put most in a closet. I don't know how I can get through it. But, I know I have to. I can't ask someone else to do it, this is something we have to do on our own.

My mother in law and I were talking, I told her I couldn't name another child Isaac. See! I still feel like he was real, he was just as real as you or me. I have a picture in my mind what he was going to look like. He was my Isaac and I can't imagine having another son and naming him that. She said I might, but I won't. In some strange, horrific, heartbreaking way we lost our son. I can't explain it to her - to anyone really. He was there, in my heart, in my house, in my family. Now he is not. SIGH!

I can't sleep. All I think about is her and him.

Monday, I called the hospital all day asking for Rebecca L's room. No Rebecca of any name registered for L&D.

She reluctantly gave me her doctor's name. (yeah right) I had a friend who didn't sound quite as southern :) call the office and ask for my appointment time. The receptionist said I didn't have an appointment Monday. With any doctor in the practice. And from the way it sounded I hadn't had one recently. But, she had been there Monday...rolls eyes.

I called the office back later and asked for the office manager. I wanted them to know what she had done, and she had given their name as her doctor. The office manager was taken aback from the sound in her voice. She got Rebecca's information and mine. I told her I wanted her to know just in case this goes before a judge. Hopefully all of that went in her chart, she was a past patient there.

I emailed the patient advocate telling her the situation. I emailed Baymont Inn's (who were giving us a big discount and upgrade while we stayed) and thanked them and told them some of what had happened.

I will be calling DSS tomorrow, hoping her file gets flagged and if she is doing this to anyone else they can do something about it.

I am calling the Chicago Tri.bune and telling them the story, if nothing else I want a letter to the editor all about her in it. Also Aurora's newspaper.

I have also been given a list of neighbors. I just want to know if she is pregnant. I need to know if she is or was, for my heart and peace of mind.

I have to quit sending her Bad Boy's though, Scott thinks I have lost it. Bad Boys is better than some of what I want to say to her. I don't want her to know she has hurt me so much, I almost feel she will get some kick out of it. UGH

I still cry. Bawl sometimes. Scott hears something or I read him one of your comments and he will cry too. I wake up crying, reaching for him. When will this ease? I'll never forget, but surely it will get easier?

Jesus, forgive me the anger and need for vengeance. Forgive anything that might hinder this prayer. I need You. I can't do this alone. We can't do this alone. Thank you for Scott, for my families and friends. Thank you for every person who has came here to offer me prayer and support. It means so much to me and Scott. Heavenly Father, take this pain from our hearts. Fill it with peace and love. Rescue us from this pain before it consumes us. Take care of our families as they have to not only deal with the loss of Isaac, but how to handle our pain and sorrow. Bless all these wonderful people praying for us, all our friends. And God, please take care of Rebecca, heal her heart and mind. It isn't normal for someone to even think of such evilness, much less going through with it. If there is a baby, precious Jesus please take care of him. Let us sleep tonight and give us strength for tomorrow. Amen