Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Scott's thoughts...

Scott may shoot me for putting this out there... He typed this on his facebook page. It took me 2 days to read it all. I would start and something would tear me up and I would have to stop.

I love him Lord, a beautiful reminder of how much God loves me - to give me Scott. I don't deserve him.

I've refrained from Posting much about what has happened but maybe laying down my thoughts even on virtual paper will help.

Let me start by saying Hope is my everything and first and foremost I hurt for her. Beautiful words right? then that selfish side of everyone gets me and I feel bad for me, I saw myself as a father finally holding my son in my arms, showing him how to work on cars, how to work on computers, passing my knowledge and love on to him. Now I look around and see a house in the midst of getting ready for that dream and know that dream has been destroyed.

My heart tries to rip from my chest every time I pass the door of the room that was to be Isaac's, I think of the things I wanted to say to him, things I wanted to do with him and the world spins and I have to hold to something to keep me steady mustn't show Hope that I am weak she needs me now more then ever! I must bury this hurt and focus on her I must drown her sorrows in my love so that her hurt lessens, there will be time later for me to work on my pain I'm a man after all, we are strong right? Then how come I don't feel strong I feel like a small frighten child who has lost something that was so dear to him, pain wells again must fight back the tears of despair, I refuse to add to Hope's misery by showing how much I hurt.

How can a person be so evil? Rebecca was I thought an angel sent from God to deliver onto us the child we have so desperately wanted and tried to have for the last 20 years, instead she has transformed in to a demon, a creature of pure evil who would dangle the precious form of our hopes and dreams in front of us and as we reach for it snatch it away laughing that flame spewing laugh like you see in some bad horror movie. I want to be that gallant white knight who rides in to save the poor people being terrorized, but what happens when its the white knight that is being terrorized by the beast, who saves him?

Life seems so dim and dark right now, the only brightness being my wife and Gods love. Isaac was/is my son, but Isaac is no more, if he ever was, we still are not sure about that one, God gives you only as much as you can bear right? Then how come I fear I can't bear this? Can you have a funeral for a dream? Or does that dream die and resurrect into a nightmare that stalks you forever?

I promised Hope that we will get through this together and I keep my promises but it doesn't stop the hurt and pain in her or in me, it merely helps her to cope with it, I have yet to get to the coping stage its more of the find a deep hole in my soul and bury it stage, did I mention that the deep hole was already there? Rebecca dug it out for me in my heart.

I pray I can cope as well as Hope. She calls me her rock but what she doesn't realize is she is my planet she puts my feet on solid ground and helps me stay rooted with out her I fear I would float off into space and never return to reality. I have vowed to God, to Hope, to everyone that this monstrous act would not stop us we will have a child and I promise to God and everyone who reads my drivel that he/she will be special and he/she will have as much of the goodness of the Lord as a human can have, enough I hope to out weight the evil that has been done to us.

Psalms 34:18 The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.


  1. The Lord will bring you through this and will provide an amazing child. I know that's hard to imagine right now, but it will happen.

    Keep praying for Rebecca. If she is the same Rebeckah, she needs so much help.

  2. Anonymous10:06 AM

    Rebecca can burn in hell for all I care.

    MY God is a God of Mercy and Forgiveness, but He's also a God of JUSTICE.

    Hope deferred makes the heart SICK. When dreams die-the loss of hope- is devastating.

    I believe this is the same woman who has been preying on people's emotions for some time now- specifically women who long for babies. She's sick, but she knows right from wrong- and she's had a choice. She chose to be a deceiver. To hurt, and to destroy.

    I am terribly terribly sorry for your pain. It's okay to be angry. Eventually this will be behind you, and I look forward to reading the post one day when you have a child in your arms, and he is YOURS.

    And I look forward to karma biting Rebecca in the ass.

  3. Continued prayers for you and Scott during this time.

  4. Hope, I am absolutely heartbroken for you. I don't even know what to say, other than I'm sorry and I'm praying for you and Scott. May God shelter you in the palm of his hand at this time and may you be surrounded by the love of friends and family.

  5. Such heartfelt and loving words from your hubby. May God continue to strengthen your relationship and your love through this trial. Hugs!

  6. I am truly heartbroken for you both. You have experienced the loss of a child, please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

    Thank you for printing Scott's letter. One can tell he is utterly devasted, but what I keep going back to over and over is what sounds like his total love and devotion to you and the Lord. That is a strong man!

    I will be thinking and praying for both of you!

    Hugs, Jill