Friday, October 16, 2009

Real or no real?

Don't feel like you are wrong for mourning the loss of a baby that might not have ever existed. You loved him and now he is gone. That is a real loss.

A friend sent me this just a few minutes ago. I have been struggling with this. How to respond to some who think this is not a big deal and we should just move on. Some close friends, some family...I have just withdrawn from to a point; and not giving many the opportunity to love us through this, be there for us...just in case they are one of those who make this pain seem trivial.

I sent an email to my niece Misti, who has really been there for me and feels our pain.

Here is part of it...
I just wanted to say thanks for the calls. I don't know how to talk about it to family. Anyone really. For the most part, people have been supportive and understanding. But, there have been a few who have been a bit insensitive. A few people, who have not called, emailed, came by nothing. I don't know what hurts more.


Some I know think of this loss as a death. That is unequivocally how we feel. He should be 4 days old, laying in his daddy's arms. I should be exhausted from all that comes with being a new mom - not exhausted from tears and sadness. My phone should be exploding from all the pictures and messages and phone calls. He was real. No matter what Rebecca may have done, if she was really pregnant or not...Isaac was really in our hearts, our lives. He has a room, he has stuff, he was real. Maybe not in IL, but in NC he was real.


I don't know how to heal from it. I can't have a funeral. I can't go visit a grave.

I felt like a mom, everything in me was prepared. Heart, soul, body...every ounce of me screamed MOMMY! I pictured in my mind future things that a mommy would plan. His first Halloween. We ordered him a Superman costume. It was a surprise for Scott. Super hero freak he is - I knew he would love it. I planned for only mom and dad, John and Lena being here the day we came home from IL. I wanted them to be the first to hold, love on and spend time with their long awaited grand baby.

I had planned the dedication service down to the music. I wanted to have it at Gilboa, late afternoon with all sorts of candles. Yellow roses, lilies and babies breath filling the whole church with their sweet fragrance. Daddy already agreed to dedicate him to God. John was going to say a prayer and mom was going to sing Consider the Lilies. I wanted to come back here, to his home and have all our families come and eat and share in our new life. I pictured the church so pretty with all our family there. No division for a few hours, just all our families loving our son. Their grandson, nephew, cousin...and now all I picture is this blackness. Emptiness.

I am clueless how to be. How to respond to people who have the mind frame that he wasn't real, I should just get over it. The 'well, at least you didn't get all the way up there. The God has a plan ones get me too. I know He has a plan, I know that He has something in store for us. I just am not to that place where I can accept that Isaac wasn't our plan. For 6 months he was.


We have to get our lives back to some resemblance of normalcy. But, we are not there. My friends who have experienced miscarriages have told me it doesn't happen overnight. They tell me it takes some form of closure which I hope to get. I need to know if she was ever pregnant. I want to know the whys and hows, but I NEED to know if he was ever part of this world. I am not sure how we are going to find out for sure, but I have been sleuthing, my friends have been searching and somehow we will find out.

But, right now I am still in the hurting/grieving stage. Anger hasn't taken over yet. Don't get me wrong, anger is here and is ugly...but, I will get out of this pit and get back to living.

We have this very real pain and having trouble finding the how to book on dealing with it. Don't ask me to write it, I am sucking at dealing with it right now. I think I have permanent wrinkles in my butt from being in bed so much the last 2 days. The weather - I hope - is to blame for my back pain increasing substantially.

Thank you all so much for every positive, encouraging comment - not one negative one. I have gotten so many emails and so many texts that have made me feel somewhat validated to be grieving.

P.S. Burt, Leslie...I love you.

35 comments:

  1. Came across your blog through another's. Just wanted to tell you I am thinking about and praying for you guys. I have never gone through anything like this but I can imagine that it would certainly feel like a death to you guys. I am sorry that others seem to think otherwise.

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  2. I was just telling my Mom and sister your story today...we are all heartbroken for you.

    Take your time in working through this...you have nothing to prove to anyone, sweet girl.

    ((HUGS))

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  3. Oh Hope! Your post brought me to tears. It never occured to me that anyone could see this as anything but the death of beloved and sweet baby Isaac.

    You and Scott have been heavy in our minds and hearts here in Omaha.

    As for validation, your story has affected people all over the country!!

    Hugs...Jamie

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  4. I know that the sorry's don't suffice, and I know that even though you know that God is still working in it, it doesn't take the pain away. I hate that people deny how real the pain is. You have every right to grieve. Unfortunately, I know that it's hard to know how. I'm praying for you guys, and hope with all my heart that you see some resolution soon.

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  5. You have every EBERY right to be grieving. You DID lose a son. You WERE deceived in the worst way possible. You just go on and grieve, we will be here, grieving with you. My heart absolutely aches for you. I can't imagine how you will ever be able to reconcile this, but I hope that eventually you will be able to. Sending you lots of hugs. Wish I were closer so that I could bring you a casserole and some cake and just sit with you through the tears.

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  6. Anonymous6:39 PM

    You are justified in feeling whatever you need to feel. Let yourself grieve and don't second guess yourselves. You are amazing people and I don't even know you. I can just tell from the words that you choose in on your blog. My husband and I lost our daughter at birth 9 years ago. I am here to tell you that you the feelings that you describe are NORMAL and you have every right in the world to feel that way that you do. Your sweet baby boy is VERY real!!! I pray Peace and Rest for you and your husband. Take care of each other. Hugs!! Mollie (ohio)

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  7. I came across your blog from another too. I am an adoptive mother, I can understand your pain and loss. I am praying for you. -kriss

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  8. It was nice to chat w/ you last night. I am praying for you guys, remember you are not alone in this.

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  9. Anonymous8:32 PM

    Praying for your healing.
    If this is "the beccah" pulling another one of her scams...keep in mind she used many other screen names to make comments that were not appropriate on others blog. She could be the one leaving you these negative comments.

    Oh...and I also pray for multiple big infected boils on her butt and face. She should be embarrassed and ashamed to go out in public.
    :)
    Jen

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  10. ((hugs)) Prayers and tears coming from Dayton Ohio!

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  11. I am just sick at heart for you and your sweet husband, I am Jill's M-I-L and she ask us to pray. I am not sure how to get past this except for the grace of God, I know your grief is deep and there is no time frame on grief, I know the anger is so real and mine would be too, I know God will see you though this but I also know it hurts and is so pain full and I am so sorry, from my own life's hurts and death of a grand baby I know it takes some time, I am praying God intervenes in this and I am trying to remember vengeance is His. Hugs and many prayers for you.

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  12. Heard from Jill's blog...

    So sorry for what TRULY is a loss...your in my prayers as I empathize, but do not know first hand what that must feel like. Praying for your heart to heal!!!!

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  13. Just wanted to send my thoughts to you from Cairo my friend. I read about you on Alex and Jill's Blog. Take your time, heal and know that so people are praying for you. xoxoxo

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  14. just came over from jill's blog. please know you are covered in prayer!

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  15. Anonymous10:02 AM

    I come here from Jill's blog (anonymously) but very real. My husband and I adopted our daughter 21 years ago. I know what it is like to wait and hope for a child! We waited for eight years but finally we were blessed with a child. I pray, that some day soon you will get that child that you so long to hold and call your own.
    Have you ever heard of the adoption creed? Not flesh of my flesh, Not bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute...You didn't grow under my heart, but in it!
    Love and prayers from, Wisconsin

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  16. I found you through another blog and my heart just breaks for you over your loss. I, too, struggled to have a child and lost three babies to miscarriage. Your loss of Isaac is no different. You dreamed and planned and prayed for the new life that was promised to you, and now that life has been taken away from you. You have every right to grieve and anyone who believes otherwise has obviously never experienced the loss of a child.

    I pray that you and your husband will once again feel peace in your heart and that in time the pain will lessen. And I pray that one day your arms will no longer be empty.

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  17. Just came across your horrible loss through cousin Jill's blog. May the true and living God surround you with His endless love. I pray that He brings healing to your hearts and rebukes the enemy from stealing your joy. May the Father restore to you what you have lost and keep the enemy from discouraging the heart for adoption that you share with the Father. LORD Jesus bring your peace to this family.

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  18. I am so so sorry you are going through this agony. What a cruel joke to play with someone's emotions and heart like that! I sure hope you have the police involved with this scam.

    I guess the girl got scared as things got closer and she knew there was no baby to give to you. What was in it for her? Did she receive money from you? If so, that is a felony! Please get the authorities involved so you can have some closure and satisfaction in knowing she will not be able to do this again to someone else.

    Also, you sound like such a loving, wonderful couple , and so so deserving of a sweet baby to love on and raise. Please contact a reputable adoption agency that can do all the necessary screening for you and get that sweet baby you so deserve the legal way.
    I know there is a baby out there for your family.

    Please don't let your hurt and anger stand in the way of you moving on and getting that dream to come true. Don't give her any more power over your emotions.

    Praying for you..

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  19. I found your blog through another and I can't imagine how much pain and hurt you must be feeling. I hope that you find answers and more than that, I hope you find peace. I am so sorry.

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  20. Francie Schmuhl10:24 PM

    I think of you often and pray that God will help bring you both peace.

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  21. You have been in my heart since you posted your awful news. I am just devastated for you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers xxx

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  22. Just wanted to say you and your husband are in my prayers!

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  23. I said that!! It really makes me feel so good (and cry lol) that I was hopefully able to help you in some way. Reading your blog has really touched me. I thought you were just questioning yourself, how sad that it was actually other people.

    This is not trivial or minor or insignificant or any of those things. How ridiculous that anyone could think that you are too upset or should move on. They are YOUR feelings, how could they possibly be wrong?! You felt like a mommy because you are one! If you had lost a baby due to miscarriage wouldn't you still be a mommy? Sure you would. Just like if you had lost an adopted child or infant or teenager or 40 year old child.

    I don't blame you for wanting to know exactly what went down with this whole thing. I would too. I watch too many crime dramas to not investigate on my own. Even if you find that there never was a baby you had better still take a rose next Mother's Day.

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  24. I found your blog through someone's post on BlogFrog. I was dumbstruck by the ordeal you've been through. Please try to stay strong and know that there are SO SO SO many people out there praying for you, for the baby if there is one, for this sick and troubled girl... I wish I could wrap my arms around you and cry until the hurt was gone. I wish I could find your son out there and place him in your arms. I wish I could check your blog again in two days and see your family photo. I wish that you never had to see this dark and ugly side of humanity. I am so, so sorry. Please, grieve as you need to and don't let others dictate how you feel. Don't ever be ashamed of your pain. Have a service for him and find a place that is special to you and put up a memorial to him and to all of your hopes if you need to have a physical embodiment of your loss. Don't be ashamed and please know that my heart goes out to you.

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  25. I thought about you all weekend. Keep pushing through...

    Your heart will heal in its own time, you don't have to answer to anyone or defend what you're feeling.

    We understand! And those who don't don't deserve your friendship!

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  26. I too found your blog through another and I just wanted to tell you that my heart is just broken for ya'll. And so mad for all you've had to go through. Please know that I'll be praying for God to give ya'll Peace and comfort through all this.

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  27. If you would like to contact me privately, we can discuss the details of your situation to see if it compares to the prior Chicago adoption scam (you can email through my blog)

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  28. Sweetie, I just don't even know what to say. I so, so wish you weren't going through this, that all you had dreamed of for Isaac was coming true right now.

    Of course your pain is real. Of course you're mourning this like a death. It is. It is the death of the dreams you had for your son. And no one should tell you otherwise.

    I'm sending you so much love and I'm praying every day for you and Scott. May God hold you in the palm of His hand and protect you right now.

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  29. I just came across your blog for the first time and wanted to let you know I am praying for you. I have never had a disrupted placement but I have had a miscarriage and I imagine that the two feel very similar. This is certainly like a death, you now have to change everything you have been envisioning for your life and that requires grieving. The hardest thing about a miscarriage is the lack of public acknowledgement, and the way there is no socially acceptable way to express your grief. I imagine this situation is the same. No one can judge you, no one has walked your path.

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  30. I heard about you through Jill's blog - I just wanted you to know that you have some people in Tennessee who are heartbroken for you, and are praying for your family!

    *HUGS*

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  31. I too came to your blog through another's. I am praying for your peace. I am heartbroken to read your story. May you find peace that passes understanding.

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  32. Again......I remember soooooo well how you are feeling! I would take it away if I could!!
    Our social worker at the agency we adopted through told me that I was suffering a miscarriage.....not physical....but emotional....of the heart. She completely validated my feelings.
    That is what you are suffering as well! The very real death, loss of your baby....that was growing in your heart, mind, soul..........not your physical body.
    God love you and squeeze you tightly in His arms!!!!

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  33. Continuing to pray for you two as you mourn the loss and adapt to your new life.

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  34. Unfortunately, people say things they shouldn't (and sadly we often know them). You lost a son...you need to grieve. We are not built to deal with pain such as this - my thoughts and prayers are with you.

    I just started following your blog a couple weeks ago. I wanted to let you know that I live in Warrenville, IL (right next door to Aurora, IL) and if you need anything from this end - I would be more than willing to help you: kmitacek@hotmail.com.

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  35. Oh how your heart must hurt, please take a hug from me. I'm sorry you were taken advantage of, and I pray a million blessings upon you and your hubby and may you find your arms full of baby very soon..
    Blessings
    Cindie

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